Teaching History (is Old News)
2 - Orientation
"…I wasn't informed of another opening at Hogwarts."
Tom recalculates in his head. Where did the lack of information come from? He'll have to update his informants, demand better quality of information in the future. What a waste of an opportunity. He could have placed one of his followers in the Divination position but now he has to deal with Potter and his mismatched socks on a daily basis—
"Professor Trelawney felt the spontaneous urge to explore her gifts in Greece with her wife. I hear they've started a lovely little business reading tarot cards to muggles. They've actually been quite successful and even designed their own cards! They were even kind enough to mail me a large stack to share with students!"
Dumbledore practically shoves the tiny card to Tom's face unnecessarily.
"…Llamas."
Sure enough, Trelawney and Hestia's Tarot Card service is accompanied by a little drawing of a llama gazing into a crystal ball. Never mind that Tom is sure crystal balls have nothing to do with tarot reading, but the llama alone is completely random, being a creature commonly seen in South America. And now Tom regrets stepping into Dumbledore's office because every trivial fact he knows about South American wildlife (magical and not) races through his mind.
Behind Dumbledore, Potter smirks and Tom narrows his eyes.
Potter wore that terrible llama sweater on purpose, Tom can feel it. If Tom were a gambler, he'd bet all his savings that Potter asked Dumbledore to put that llama sticker on his letter, and then, knowing that Tom would be hired, decided to wear that very same sweater just to spite him.
"I know how much you love them," Potter nods, as if reading his mind (impossible, of course, given Tom's perfect occlumency shields but something about Potter always makes Tom double check them.)
Tom scowls. "You're mistaken. If anything, you're the one with a llama obsession. I haven't been hit by a muggle car because a quote 'llama spit in my eye' end quote yet." (1)
"Ah, the good old days. That was one of my best death predictions. You never know, Riddle. I wouldn't plan any trips to the petting zoo, that's for sure. Or Australia. Or South America, either, now that I think about it."
Tom glares.
"It could be worse! I told Neville he'd get mobbed to death by vampire walnuts once. They bite," Potter nods with an air of false wisdom that only looks more ridiculous when his bulky glasses nearly slip off his nose (2).
There is no such thing as vampire walnuts, Tom almost says. But when he thinks about it, animating inanimate objects like walnuts would be a form of alchemy. Theoretically, by using another life form as a conduit, perhaps souls could be transferred (similar to horcrux creation but with the added element of animation and personality). Adding the element of a magical creature (actually vampires may be considered a subclass of undead wizard, or merely infected wizard like the werewolf) could increase the likelihood of success meaning—
Stop. Stop. The maddening thing about interacting with Potter (in any environment) is that sometimes Tom will stop to ponder the plausibility of Potter's remarks against his better judgement. Perhaps the saying about eccentricities and charm has some truth to it. In any case, the logical thing to do is ignore Potter for the rest of his career. Or get Potter fired. Tom wonders how suspicious the latter option would make Dumbledore.
"…I'm sure they do," Tom puts on his best smile, the one he uses to charm what he wants from strangers. Best to deal with Potter's oddities with as much false charm as possible.
"I knew it!" Potter claps his hands together, beaming as if Tom has proven Merlin's theory of vibrational magic theory when vampire walnuts are not even a real concept, did someone drop Potter on the head as a child, "Can always count on you to back me up, Riddle. Brownie?"
While Tom tries to think of a way to refuse because of strongly suspected poison (Potter must have baked those brownies. Evidence: Dumbledore always eats sour sweets, never pastries. Also, burn marks on Potter's hands are consistent with muggle ovens because Merlin knows Potter won't take advantage of his magical knowledge) Dumbledore cuts in, clapping a hand on his shoulder (urgh).
He twinkles, "I'm very pleased that you two get along so well. It's always touching to see deep friendships cultivate after graduation."
Tom stiffens. Friendship? He narrows his eyes. Now he can see Dumbledore's plans. Clearly, Trelawney's impromptu retirement is part of Dumbledore's plot to have an 'old friend' of Tom's spy on him during his time as a teacher to prevent rumours of bias (rumours that would have risen if Tom was denied the DADA position). Any wizard or witch could see that Harry Potter is the least qualified being to be a Divination teacher. Obviously, Dumbledore interpreted his few interactions with Potter as some sort of misconstrued friendship and, assuming that Tom would be more amiable to someone his age, asked Potter to come as a spy.
"Riddle's going to die a tragic death via car crash because of a llama, professor, I don't think we can be friends," Potter says casually and Tom amends his thought process.
No, Potter is too stupid to be a spy.
:
Dumbledore gives some speech about the honour of being a staff member for Hogwarts with random anecdotes of 'fiddle foddle' and 'splurt' for no good reason but intimidation tactics. Then he moves on to reviewing Tom and Potter's responsibilities towards the safety of the students and other emergency conducts. Eventually, Dumbledore leads them both out for a tour (but really to show them to their offices.)
Potter oohs and aahs at every painting despite having been to Hogwarts for seven years before. He tries to offer Tom another brownie but Tom waves it away. Some wizarding poisons leave no symptoms for days before taking effect. Luckily, Potter gets distracted, excitement springing to his features as he crows, "There's the staircase you pushed me down once!"
Tom almost whips his head towards Dumbledore, ready to obliviate if necessary (but would that work on a wizard that powerful, Tom doesn't have time to doubt, only prove that he's stronger than Dumbledore, finally and—) but Dumbledore only chuckles softly.
"While I would have appreciated knowing the truth when that incident took place, I'm certain Tom has changed since then… Though if he ever attempts such a thing again, at this age, the consequences would be severe," Dumbledore smiles brightly.
There is no one else in the world that Tom knows who can convey such disdain through a kindly smile. It's a skill that Tom covets, if only to exercise more power over others. Yet seeing Dumbledore master it though makes Tom want to walk around with an eternal frown on his face just to spite the bastard.
"Of course. I'm not a child anymore."
"Oh, Tom, all my former students are young to me."
In other words, Dumbledore thinks that Tom's magic is at the level of a child, that Tom is immature and—
"Brownie?"
"No, I do not want a brownie, Potter!"
"Eh," Potter shrugs, popping the disgusting pastry into his mouth, "you're so bitter, Riddle. If you ate more sugar, you'd mellow out more."
"That is not how biology works—"
Potter's eyes go wide. "You read muggle research?"
"All knowledge is valuable—"
"Amazing!"
…And Tom needs to change the subject. Now.
"Our offices, Professor?"
Dumbledore, the buffoon, only stares back and forth between Tom and Potter with a pleased twinkle. If Dumbledore were a firework, he'd be sparkling by now.
"Unfortunately, the Divination office is under renovations from the Firenze incident, and since you two are so well acquainted, I thought you might share an office until the contractors come in."
Tom wants to hex every living being in this school. This magic school. That should be able to repair itself because of magic. If there are actually contractors needed to repair the school, Tom will eat a pixie.
Never mind. Dumbledore clearly planned this. Harry Potter is definitely a spy.
"That's cool with me. I'll bake you some scones tomorrow, Riddle. There has to be some dessert you like!" Potter cheers, crumbs falling all over his robes and sweater.
Amended: Harry Potter is still too stupid to be a spy. No one can fake that kind of stupidity for nearly ten years.
(1) Fun fact, my best friend in high school used to make ridiculous false death predictions just like this. She had a thing for llamas.
(2) And walnuts. Why vampire walnuts, specifically? I have no idea.
EDITED CHAPTER: Nov 14, 2019