So the timeline for this odd little universe is basically 2016 because I'm too lazy to sort out my anachronisms and I really want Harry to reference all the internet slang to troll Tom. Thanks again for sticking with me and reviewing :)
Teaching History (is Old News)
3 - Lesson Plans
"…What is this?"
Potter blinks at Tom from an atrocious couch shaped like a yellow rat with a lightning shaped tail. The couch even has strange red cheeks and a smiling face. The Potter sweater of the day features a naked mole rat dancing on a beach ball, shouting 'revolution!'
"Did you mean my couch or the decorations?"
"…Both."
"Well, this," Potter beams as if he's mastered every spell in wizarding history, "is a made-up muggle thing called a Pikachu! It's so cool, it shoots out electricity when it gets angry. There's even video games and a cartoon—you should watch it sometime—and those are my origami creations! Origami is like the art of—"
"I know what origami is but why are your paper cranes flying around my head?"
About a dozen pastel cranes flap around Tom's hair. One even tries to nestle against his bangs before he stuns it with a wandless stupefy. Its paper corpse spirals to the ground before several other cranes rush to catch it.
"They like you!" Potter beams.
"…"
"…Aaand, I might have told them to guard you from future llama attacks. Wouldn't want my coworker to die on the job. Think of the paperwork all the authorities would have to do."
Tom's grip tightens on his wand. "For the last time, I am not going to be die because of a llama—" once he makes his second horcrux, he'll never die, "—that's just a lie you made up for some inane reason. For attention or because you're a compulsive liar."
For a moment, Potter's face twists into an expression that Tom still can't understand. It reminds him of a moment in first year, of lashing out and pushing Potter down the stairs and watching blood flow down Potter's face in a scar that has never faded…
But then the blue crane from before pokes Tom in the forehead and Potter laughs, the moment broken.
"I could make paper snakes instead, if you don't like the birds."
Tom scowls, "That's not the point. This office is to be shared between both of us. Your paper things are everywhere. Control them."
"Eh, but your side of the room is so plain. You barely have anything but books."
Not entirely true. Tom has a vast collection of magical artifacts locked within a magically expanded trunk. He's also well aware of the power a handsome appearance has on those he interacts with so he keeps his wardrobe up to date with what seems the most aesthetically pleasing.
But looking at Potter's side of the office, decorated in paper flowers and butterflies, animal shaped cushions and long curtains of annoying neon colours, Tom can see Potter's point. Potter's side of the office has a distinct personality with funny knick-knacks to put students at ease (not a bad strategy) while Tom's side of the office is sparse, clean and tense (fear can be an effective motivator.)
Once more, Tom frowns at the difference between him and Potter. Both half-bloods. Both orphans. And yet Potter's response to his position in society is to hoard useless items and play the fool while Tom strives for knowledge, power, and control of his own destiny.
"…I'll buy a painting. Now shut up and let me focus on finishing my lesson plans."
The idea has merit after all. Tom often forgets that normal people also hoard useless things to seem approachable (having never invited a person to his place of residence) and he will need students to trust him. He'll need a painting that an ordinary DADA professor would have…
"Urgh, lesson plans. I'm going to sleep." Potter curls up against his yellow-pikarat-couch.
"…You've finished yours?" How long has Potter been prepared for this job? The Potter-is-a-spy theory suddenly gains more merit.
"Oh, god, no. I'll just wing it on the first day. It's Divination, you know?"
Tom pauses in the middle of his writing.
"…Excuse me, but how did you get hired?"
"My devastating good looks."
"…"
"Just kidding! I told you before, Riddle, I can see the future! Snape's going to be very lucky in love this month, didn't you know?"
(Urgh.) Tom recoils at that image, "Please refrain from making love predictions about our coworkers in the future."
Why the general populace insists on obsessing over love and sexual acts eludes Tom.
Unexpectedly, Potter also grimaces. "Yeah… that might be for the best. It's a very tragic love. Lots of warts. And tongue."
"Potter!"
The sound of Potter's laughter, accompanied by the flapping of the paper cranes in the air, grates at Tom's nerves. If he doesn't end up obliviating everyone in Hogwarts to cover up Potter's murder in the next month, he will celebrate with a new book. For now, Tom should focus on the lesson plans and sending out letters to his followers…
:
The next morning Snape shows up at breakfast with a frog stuck to his face. Potter's knowing smile makes Tom question the universe.
EDITED CHAPTER: Nov 14, 2019