Turn every X into an O, then press the switch," I read to myself. Gee, thanks random sign! Never would've figured that one out without your gracious sharing of unparalleled expertise!

It was another one of Papyrus' puzzles designed for those not yet capable of coherent thoughts. Which was probably about eighty percent of the Underground's population. Who knows, maybe Papyrus was actually considered the crowned king of puzzle designers down here. Then again, by his words alone he still didn't have any friends, so...I guess he just sucked.

A couple of rows of boulders were aligned to form two short pathways leading to a pair of separated X-shaped pressure plates. Step on the first X, turn it into an O, double back and press the other X, hit the switch beside them, boom. Done. Spikes back in the ground. And that only took about...thirteen seconds. Riveting puzzle, Paps.

And who else to run into immediately after solving it but the marvelous puzzle wizard himself? A shame, really. I was just starting to enjoy not having him around.

"WHAT!?" Papyrus squawked, like an ugly old crow with a piece of moldy bread shoved down its throat. "How did you avoid my trap!?"

"I-"

"-And MORE importantly..."

I let my hands drop defeatedly. Hey, at least he let me get in a single syllable before he cut me off again. I bet there wasn't a single thing in this world he enjoys more than the sound of his own voice.

"...Is there any left for me?"

My jaw nearly dropped. Was he talking about the damn plate of appalling, indigestible spaghetti with sauce the color of human feces he had set out for me? The trap so lazily slapped together he literally had to leave a note telling me it was a setup? The abomination and insult to cooking in general? And he was asking me if I saved him some.

Wow. Just...just wow. I had nothing to say, nothing to do but put on a sappy smile and sing, "Of course, I saved plenty of it for you, buddy!"

In the same amount of time it took me to remember Papyrus shared his level of understanding of sarcasm with toddlers, his expression changed to...a much softer one. "Really!?" he gasped, sounding genuinely surprised. "Wowie..."

I opened my mouth to say something, but, ironically, I stopped when he didn't make any move to interrupt me. For the first time since I'd met him, Paps seemed at a genuine loss for words.

"You resisted the flavor of my home cooked pasta..." he continued, barely above a whisper. "Just so you could share it with me?"

Now I was the one at a loss for words. Did...did the Mediocre Papyrus just express an emotion besides an absurd amount of (completely unwarranted) pride? Was the world coming to an end? Would the streets be flooded with protests and riots and blood for years to come? Or worse...would we see cats and dogs living together?

Or was I seriously overreacting to an honestly not-so-surprising revelation? Probably that last one, yeah.

I clicked my tongue, searching for the right insult to put him back in his place. Eventually, though, I...I decided against it. I mean, no point driving someone down further when they already lived at the center of the god damn Earth, right? And why not let him think I did something nice for a change, it might help me out in the long run. So I opted to let him off the hook for once, with one that he wouldn't quite get.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Paps."

"AND you care deeply about my sleeping habits!?" he said, a response so ridiculous yet so similar to what I predicted I was forced to crack a smile. He paused for another moment, lost in thought. After the longest five seconds of my life, he snapped back to his good 'ole, annoying, happy-go-lucky self. "Fret not, human! I, master chef Papyrus, will make you all the pasta you could ever want!" Then he sprinted off again, that same awful laugh trailing behind him like the putrid stench of a skunk. "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH NYEH!"

Huh. I hadn't realized the quote-on-quote "master chef" had a single gracious bone in his body, but apparently, I was wrong. He almost made me wanna go back and leave him some pasta for real. Maybe that's the side of him Sans had come to tolerate over the years, although I still had to give the lazy-bones credit. If I were living with that clown, I would've cracked faster than an eggshell in an explosion the size of Texas.

I found the scarf-cape-thing-toting skeleton again not even a few meters forward, meandering out in the open like a hopelessly confused tourist in Vegas. As I passed by him, instead of another high school yearbook-worthy quote being tossed my way as I expected, he avoided my gaze entirely and attempted to whistle, which looked a lot frigging harder without any lips.

"Something you wanted to tell me, Edward Scissor Lips?" I asked, folding my arms in front of my chest. Was he sweating? Damn, I'm so cool even skeletons sweat buckets when I'm around. "And how the hell are you doing that? You don't have any pores."

Papyrus...oddly enough, tensed up at the sound of my voice, and proceeded to ignore me entirely. What the hell had changed? First I couldn't get him to leave me alone, and now he wouldn't even give me the time of day, with his lips locked tighter than the stick up his ass. I gave him a few more seconds to offer me his generous presence, then finally sighed in defeat and kept moving.

"SO, my brother started a sock collection recently!" Paps blurted.

Well, that certainly came outta left field. That's what all the secrecy was about? A crappy attempt at small talk? "No way! Next you'll be telling me he collects quarters, too,"" I said, rolling my eyes.

Papyrus frowned. "A quarter of what?" Then he shook his head, not bothering to wait for an answer. "But isn't that...saddening?"

"Saddening? Why would that be 'saddening?' You got something against socks?"

Papyrus sighed. It was weird, almost uncomfortable for me seeing him this serious, like striking up a friendly conversation with a clown in his off duty hours.

"Lemme guess; it was a terrible sock puppet show when you were a kid. I get it man, those things can be real scary," I mocked him, trying to lighten the mood.

"The Great Papyrus is not frightened by some crude children's toy!" he assured me. Looking unsure of himself all of a sudden, he added, "Well, unless they have googly eyes, anyway. But back to my brother!"

"What about your brother?" I demanded. "Why get so worked up over something so stupid?"

He gave me a serious expression, one I never would've imagined seeing on his oddly chiseled face, and one that shut me up instantly. "It's when he does preposterous things like collecting socks that I wonder what he would do without such a cool guy taking care of him, that's all!" As quickly as his mood shift came, he returned to his normal, not-depressed self. For better or for worse. "Onward, human, your next puzzle awaits!"

That was it? He just dropped the "I'm worried about the current state and affairs of my family" bomb on me with no provocation at all, then tried to hurry me forward again like nothing happened. What, did he want me to say something comforting, like "I'm sorry you and your brother are equally hopeless?" Because nothing was coming to mind.

At first, I was about to comment on how Papyrus could barely feed himself, let alone take care of someone else. But then, I realized Sans probably wouldn't even remember to feed himself if Paps didn't constantly chew his proverbial ear off. In that way, the two bounced off each other pretty well. Unfortunately, that left my well-spirited insult bank pretty dry.

"Never saw you as someone to actually...you know, care about other people, Paps," I finally teased, at a loss for better words.

The Mediocre Papyrus looked every other way, as if I could be talking about anyone else. "ME?!" he bellowed, throwing a hand over his chest in defense. "Why, of COURSE the Great Papyrus cares about those weaker than him, and especially my own blood! What kind of a Royal Guard member wouldn't!?"

Okay, now I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic or not. "But you said you aren't a member of the Royal Guard!" I persisted.

"Not YET!"

I sighed to myself. What was I even arguing about at this point, whether or not Papyrus cared about other people? Yeah, because I was certainly one to talk. "Alright, you win, but I still can't picture you as any knight in shining armor. Mainly because you're already in armor, and you look...kinda lame, but lets just go to the next puzzle!" I said quickly, trying to drop the conversation before he could launch into a ten-page counter argument about how he did not, in fact, look 'kinda lame.'

"KINDA LAME!?"

Oh God, I wasn't fast enough. He heard me. Keep running, keep running!

I didn't get very far, partially because of the wall of boulders almost blocking my way, and partially because of the row of spikes directly behind them completely blocking my way. Although I'd only cast a glimpse at them so far, I could tell the boulders were arranged in an odd formation with more of those X switches in between them. Apparently, Paps was trying to ramp up the difficulty for this next puzzle. If it were anything like the others, however, then it would probably just be more time consuming than anything else.

"So, what's the deal with this next puzzle, bones for brains?" I called over my shoulder, preferring to hear his babbles about his latest contraption over arguing about how cool he is.

Paps ran up beside me, nearly tripping over his own feet and toppling onto his puzzle. As funny as that'd be, he quickly corrected his posture. Bummer.

"Well, since you were taking such a long time to arrive..."

Long time? Was he joking? I had been right on his tail the whole time! I mean, unless you consider the countless delays due to spikes, chatting up the nice cream guy, and the multiple dog attacks...you know what, never mind.

"...I decided to improve this puzzle by arranging the snow to look more like my face."

"Now that sounds more like the Papyrus I know," I said out loud, without even realizing it.

"Unfortunately, the snow froze to the ground," he continued, looking completely disinterested all of a sudden. "So the solution is...completely different."

"And so does that," I muttered through both my teeth and my fingers. My hand had gone up to my face in an immediate face palm. Even the wind agreed with me, going completely silent in displeasure for the first time I could remember.

"Oh, no need to worry, Human!" Papyrus assured me, making the situation all the less assuring. "I, the Great Papyrus, will solve this conundrum! Then we can both proceed!"

"Well, yeah. Can't you just move the boulders again?"

Paps clicked his apparently existent tongue, looking annoyed. "Hmm...I would, but my lazybones brother doesn't seem to be anywhere around here, and we couldn't move them without him."

"Of course not." I jammed my hands into my pockets. "Look, I'll just try and solve the puzzle myself, you just sit there and...keep striking dramatic poses, or, whatever it is you do."

"My specialty!"

With that out of the way, I turned back to the puzzle and squeezed through the closest opening I could find. To Papy's very little credit, the boulders were arranged in a shape that at least vaguely resembled his misshapen, fleshless face. It was sort of like a smaller, more boring version of a corn maze I did when I was little (that's what the grown-ups called it, anyways, because the lack of actual corn fields in a five hundred mile radius made that concept just a little bit harder to pull off.) The X switches were aligned in rows created by the boulders, leaving absolutely zero space to cut through and cheat the puzzle entirely. If they were just a tiny bit shorter and a little less slippery I could probably hop them, but I had no such luck. My dreams of Papyrus designing an actually interesting and/or easily solved puzzle were crushed like a pebble underneath a bulldozer. Time to suffer through another classic Papyrus puzzle, I thought.

I weaved my way around the corners, stomping on every dark blue X I came across and turning them into red Os. After awhile, I fell into a sort of rhythm, hitting the tiles in quick succession. Maybe suffer was a little harsh, I noted. This is tedious at the worst, too easy to for suffering.

"Ah, dammit." The second the thought left my...mind, I guess, I found myself stuck between a rock and another rock. I'd just stepped on the second to last X, but the last one was right behind an O that I couldn't possibly avoid. I couldn't turn around without treading over a switch I'd already passed, and Papyrus had no way to reach the switch either, so I had to take the loss. With a sigh, I stepped on the O, locking it into the shape of a green triangle, leaving the puzzle unsolvable.

"Don't give up, human!" Papyrus cheered from the sidelines. I imagined some glossy red lipstick, a golden-blond pony tail, and a pair of sparkly pom-poms would suit him quite well. "The Great Papyrus is positive you can do it!"

"Glad you have so much faith in my abilities." To solve your crappy freaking puzzle, I finished in my head.

I marched back out of the boulders to hit the switch that reset all the tiles and started again from square one, entering from a different point this time. It started out feeling exactly the same, hitting the switches with no problems, until I realized I was walking myself into the same trap again. The last X lied on the opposite side of the maze, surrounded by already pressed O switches.

"Ugh. Round three..." I grumbled, feeling my temper start to rise. Having a lanky skeleton stare at you with that wide, toothy grin the entire time didn't exactly help to calm me down, either.

I kept working on the puzzle until it felt like I'd been there for hours. No matter how many times I attempted to solve it, no matter where I entered from, no matter what pattern I moved in, I kept coming up just one infuriating X short. Eventually I gave in and tried moving the boulders myself, but Papyrus had been right for once. It didn't budge.

"How the hell did Sans move these, with a fork lift?" I asked, out of breath.

"Veeeeeeeerrry carefully," Papyrus explained.

"Oh, yeah, of course. How silly of me for not realizing sooner."

Fail. Fail. Fail, fail, mega-fail, FAIL. In the name of all that was spaghetti, why couldn't I figure it out? The answer seemed to be screaming me in the face, just out of arms reach, but I couldn't quite grab hold of it.

"Are you sure this is even solvable?" I cried after failing for the twenty-third time in a row (oh yeah, I was counting.)

Papyrus scratched his chin as he examined the puzzle, deep in thought. "Maybe."

"MAYBE!? Don't tell me I'm wasting all my damn time on a maybe!"

"I STILL believe in you, human, don't give up!"

Now red-hot, I gave it a few more attempts, not even bothering to pay attention to where I was going anymore. After awhile it felt like I knew the position of every individual switch like the back of my hand. Each attempt ended in total failure, until...

...No, I had to be imagining it. But when I double-checked, I found I every single switch had been turned into an O. I just had absolutely no way to get out without treading over another one, ruining the puzzle.

"Papyrus!" I yelled. "I got it, Hit the switch!"

"Hmm?" God dammit Paps, now is the not the time to act...well, like yourself! "OH, right!" Papyrus leaped to his feet and jogged over to the gray pleasure plate, making extra careful to trip over it as he planted it into the ground. A loud click filled in the air, and all the Os surrounding me turned a permanent light-green color. A moment later and the spikes hid back in their holes like a group of moles.

"About time! I was starting to worry I'd have to use you as a bridge to get across those spikes," I mumbled.

"Well done human!" Papyrus clasped my shoulder in approval, choosing to ignore my little 'use you as a bridge' comment. "I'm truly impressed! You must care about puzzles as much as I do!"

"Uh...yeah, something like that," I more-or-less agreed, shrugging his hand off. "I guess I do have to give you props. That puzzle was way harder than the last ones you left out for me."

"Truly? Then the next puzzle may not be so easy AFTER ALL!" Papyrus then exited in a completely normal fashion; his usual combination Wicked Witch of the West's cackle with the sad laugh of a clown as he stomps off to prep his next puzzle. This time, I didn't lose any sleep on following him out. I was practically charging right on his heels after him.

...And directly into my favorite shady, skeletal drug dealer.

"Good job solving the puzzle...well, technically you didn't solve it quickly at all, but good job solving the puzzle," Sans said, flashy me his toothy grin and a thumbs up.

I didn't even slow down to talk to him. "No thanks to you, Skeletor," I goaded as I past him.

"Fine by me! I love doing absolutely nothing!" Sans replied, not even bothering to chase after me. I'm sure he'd find yet another way bullshit way to catch up. He always did.

Just in front of me, I spotted Papyrus stumbling over a little bridge with Sans standing on the other side.

...Time out, how the hell did he do that?! Shortcuts were one thing, teleportation was another. He'd only left my line of sight for a split second before I left him in the dust, and somehow he'd already emerged ahead of us, toting that same annoying grin that could be hiding any number of secrets..

"Alrighty, Human!" Papyrus fell in line beside his brother and a weird device that looked just a little bit too much like a vending machine. An array of gray, black, and white tiles that would seem out of place anywhere but on a dance floor lined the ground in the shape of a square. There was no way to get across to the skelebros without stepping over them.

Sans was hiding something, no doubt about it, but I doubted I would get any straightforward answers if I went digging for them. Especially not with both of the skeletons sticking together like glue. I decided to leave the answers up in the air. For now.

"I get it. You couldn't find anyone who'd take you to the dance, so you turned it into a puzzle to make yourself feel better, is that it Paps?" I chuckled, waving off the challenge as a joke.

"You are gravely mistaken, Human," Papyrus countered, glaring daggers at me. "This puzzle was designed by the great Doctor Alphys!"

"Yet another name that means absolutely nothing to me."

"PRECISELY!" He heroically strolled over to his vending machine, placing a finger over one of the buttons. From here, it almost looked like he was shuddering in anticipation, like a mad scientist about to unveil his latest devious contraption to the world. Meanwhile, Sans, as usual, stood off to the side picking his nose hole and wearing a face that said 'I couldn't care less if you paid me.' "Once I throw this switch, all of the tiles in front of you will begin to change color!"

"Translation; it's about to get funky up in here?" I offered, trying to look equally as uninterested as Sans for the sake of ticking off Paps even more.

"NO! IN FACT, 'FUNKINESS' LEVELS WILL BE AT AN ALL-TIME LOW!" Well, that plan was working like a charm.Papyrus regained his composure before continuing. "Each color has a completely unique function!"

Full disclosure; I had absolutely no idea what the hell Papyrus was even trying to tell me at this point. My best guess is that he was attempting to explain the rules of the puzzle and the function of each color tile, but I barely caught even half of what he was spewing at me. Hell, even if I tried to write it down I'd probably just end up with a series of incoherent scribbles. Maybe he was going too fast, or maybe I was just an idiot, but this was the most I could make out.

"Red tiles are impassable, you cannot walk on them! Yellow tiles are electric, and will shock you! Green tiles are alarm tiles! If you step on them...orange tiles are...they make you smell nutritious...blue wafer tiles, swim through if...the piranhas will smite you...if smell tile, water will also zap chew...purple tiles are slappy, you will slide to a nail file...the slippery slope sells like lemons...pirahnas do not fight...Finally, pink tiles!(?) They don't do anything. Step on them all you like." Smiling brightly, he added, "How was that!? Do you understand?"

"...What?"

"Great! Then there's one last thing!"

There's more!? My brain was moaning in agony, and he was still dumping information on me as if I was an actuallandfill. And guess who was still standing there smiling to himself, with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, watching the whole situation unfold before him?

"This puzzle is entirely random! Not even I will know the solution!"

Oh, hell no. I got ready to sprint across the tiles before he could flip the switch, but that one moment of hesitation completely screwed me over. Laughing like it was the end of the world, Papyrus pressed a button on the machine, and a low rumbling sound filled the air. The tiles had begun flipping to random colors, each formation they settled on looking more terrifying than the last. The sound kept growing louder and louder as the tiles changed faster and faster, until they finally settled on a pattern.

"Oh, hell no." All the colors of the damn rainbow were accounted for, and a mess of reds, greens, blues, purples, pinks, and yellows lay sprawled out before me like the inside of a toddler's coloring book. I couldn't even keep focus on any one tile, because the bright neon colors were far too distracting.

I glanced back up at Sans for guidance, but even he looked completely stumped, offering a lazy shrug as help. Papyrus, on the other hand, seemed to be having the time of his god damn life, laughing maniacally and hopping up and down on the snow. "Good luck, Human!" he mocked, not even trying to keep a straight face.

"Is it too late to get that explanation again?!" I cried, but my words were lost in the obnoxious humming of the machine. If the bits and pieces I got from Papyrus' ramblings were any indication, then stepping on some of these tiles would be frigging painful. Whoever this "Doctor Alphys" was, I had no doubt they were an actual raving-mad scientist in real life.

No point stalling any longer. Lets get this over with. Cautiously, I slid my foot over the first tile in front of me, thankfully a pink one. From there, I had a choice of a blue, a red (which really wasn't a choice at all), and a purple, which would...slap me, maybe? Had I heard that correctly? I mean, it was better than a face-full of pirahnas, so...

I attempted to move over to the red tile, curious to see what made it so "impassable a about it." Nothing, really, except for the unexplainable force that kept me from putting my foot down at all. Could I jump it?

"Whoa whoa whoa!" I'd taken an extra step back directly onto a purple tile, and my foot completely slid out from under me. I ended up sliding onto a...

"OW, DAMMIT!" I suddenly felt all the pain I'd caused Papyrus earlier with that shocking orb clawing through my body, because I had fallen right on top of a yellow tile. Scrambling to get off it, I climbed back onto the purple tile and slid back to square one. Literally. "Slippery, not slappy..." I cursed myself. My ass felt like it was on fire, and for some reason I smelled lemony, but all my clothes were thankfully still intact from the shock.

"Uh...Human, would you care for some assistance?" Papyrus asked weakly, his voice barely audible thanks to the ringing in my ears, and the hum of the machine. Apparently, even he wasn't enjoying his sweet revenge against me for all the teasing I'd done.

"How 'bout you turn the damn thing off?!" I yelled back.

"But...but I still need to capture you! The Royal Guard requests it!" He sounded hesitant, but it was hard to tell.

Looks like I'm still on my own.

I turned back to look around at my options, but between my head spinning so much and my heart threatening to burst out of my ribcage - both from the volts of electricity - I couldn't quite think straight. The functions of the tiles I actually remembered kept getting mixed up in my head. I was a sitting duck in a pond of acid.

Eventually I decided on wading through a blue water tile, against every instinct yelling at me not to go swimming in the freezing cold. I stepped out of that onto a purple tile, which slid me over to an orange tile, forcing the smell of freshly peeled oranges into my nostrils. It only served to confuse me even more.

How many was that, three? Four? I was about halfway across, but the second half of the puzzle had tons of red and yellow tiles guarding the other side. I would need to maneuver through a ton more shit just to get around the red tile in front of me. God dammit Papyrus, why couldn't you just stick to the X and O puzzles instead of using that damned machine...

Wait...the machine!

I pulled the Almighty Stick out and pointed it towards the glorified toaster oven, judging the distance between me and it. If I threw hard enough, I might be able to hit the right button to disable the tiles altogether.

"What are you doing with that, Human?"

I ignored him entirely. It was either suffering through five more rounds of getting electrocuted, or skipping it entirely at the risk of losing my last existing friend, who'd gotten me out of countless bad situations. Who'd been there for me no matter what monster we encountered. Who...

...Get a hold of yourself, it's a stick!

I reared back and chucked it as hard as I could. As it shot through the air on its way to its target, I couldn't help but hold my breath. The hum of the machine became a background noise, and the bright lights of the tiles see to fade into nonexistence. The only things in the world were the stick and the machine.

...And Papyrus' face, which the stick collided with before ricocheting off and smacking into the face of the machine head-on.

"Bullseye!" I cheered against Papyrus' wails of pain. Sparks started to fly as the machine short-circuited, and all the tiles deactivated at once, returning to their original monochrome state. I was free to move forward again, all thanks to the Almighty Stick.

Everything was all kittens and rainbows until I spotted the stick again, hurtling off the cliff.

"SHIT!" It was like I'd been filled with another five hundred volts of electricity. I charged after the doomed stick, shoving aside the skeleton brothers, but it was too late. It had already fallen way too far to grab. I watched in silence as it clambered against the tops of the first trees it hit and disappeared beneath the canopy.

"You never cease to impress me with your cunning, Human..." Papyrus muttered, rubbing his sore eye socket.

I hadn't heard him. Even though every rational part of me knew it was just an inanimate object, and that I should just let it go, I couldn't. Not yet, anyways. It was more special than that. At the very least, I should've felt sentimental about it. It really had come in handy more times than I could count on one hand. And now it was gone.

"Kid? You okay?" I heard Sans ask.

"...Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," I finally said, turning away from the cliff. I even laughed, just a little bit. Because, for some reason, it seemed to help. "Just needed a second. That last shock felt like it was microwaving my intestines."

Sans nodded, seemingly accepting my answer. "Well, you go on ahead. I'll meet up with you guys later."

Papyrus nodded too, still rubbing away at his injury. "Indeed, brother. After all, he only has two more trials to overcome!" After that, he sped off again, no doubt to prepare his...final puzzles? Was that really it? Felt like I'd never see the end of those a moment ago, and now...it felt like saying goodbye to an old friend. Not a close friend, more like the kind you keep around to boost your self-esteem, but a friend nonetheless.

I forced myself to keep moving past a large plain covered with what I could only assume were failed attempts at snowmen with a single guard post, presumably belonging to the speechless dog I'd played fetch with earlier. Back when I had the stick...

"A dog rushed in here, trying to build a snowdog that expressed its inspiration," explained a weird humanoid deer monster standing nearby, who had noticed me staring at the spiraling pillars and abandoned dog heads of snow in utter confusion. "But as it built, it kept getting more and more excited about the sculpture. It added more and more snow, until..." She trailed off, seeming very distant all of a sudden. Now it was her turn to look at the pathetic remains of the sculpture. "It was rather sad to watch, but I couldn't turn away."

"Okay," I said nonchalantly, waving her off like a pesky fly. "Did I ask you? No? Bye, then." I pushed past her, ignoring her deadly glare that followed me as I left.

A little farther down the path was another puzzle with the X and O switches, this time laid out over a large patch of ice. Since I knew the ice was there that time, I was able to slide over to each switch without any problems, turning them each into Os. After that, the path forward opened up, and it was one more straight slide back over to stable ground. The ice was a lot more bearable when you weren't and stumbling and falling on your ass every two seconds, I can say that for sure. Only one more puzzle, I thought.

I passed by a snow sculpture of Papyrus on my way across the ice, meticulously crafted to look as much like him as possible (with some added muscles that I'm sure totally existed in real life,) as well as a tiny pile of snow right beside it with "Sans" carved into it. Which, was actually a much more accurate depiction of the person who made it than Papyrus'. I guessed the brothers would enjoy playing around in the snow a lot, 'cause living in a place like this made next to no sense otherwise. Granted, nothing ever did make sense whenever those two were around.

"Feels like every step I take, I'm getting pushed back another two," I muttered to myself as I entered yet another field with piles of snow more common than litter on the side of a freeway. These didn't look like the tragic failures of an over-excited dog, though, they just looked like regular, boring-old piles. "I am so frigging sick of freezing my ass off! At least the Ruins didn't go on for-freaking-ever!"

I was so busy complaining to myself I almost missed a tiny white dog pop its head and tail out of the snow in front of me.

I stopped the second I heard it barking at me, a tiny squeak of a sound that I barely even heard at first. No wonder it blended in so well, because its fur was pretty much the exact same shade of white as the snow bank it came out of. I should've noticed the beady black eyes pulsating with excitement.

"Sorry puppy, but I'm all out of sticks. Beat it," I said coldly, preparing to march right past it. But nothing was ever that easy down here in the Underground, so of course when I approached, it busted out of the snow bank entirely as a behemoth of a dog towering over me with its own set of shiny metal armor. Not to mention the spear big enough to poke a Kentucky-sized hole in my chest.

"Hey, hey, if you're interested in a game of fetch, there's this really cool stick I know about!" I scrambled for the right words, backing away from the monster of a...monster before me. His bark rang through the air again, this time sounding more like an orchestra comprised solely of bass drums rather than the piccolo squeak from before. If he understood what I was saying, he didn't bother to listen.

I kept backing away slowly, careful not to take my eyes off it, as it readied its spear and began to advance. I quickly tumbled out of the way of its first stab, the sharp end coming way too close for comfort.

"Dammit, why did I have to throw the Almighty Stick?!" I started to panic, scanning the area for anything else to distract the dog with. I couldn't possibly hurt it with my dinky little toy knife, not through the armor anyway, and there wasn't anything around me besides a tiny dog house and the piles of snow. Maybe I can build myself an igloo and hide out there until he gets bored and leaves.

While I was distracted, the dog got close enough to lunge at me again. I wasn't quite fast enough this time, and the blade cut through my hoodie and left a bloody gash on my elbow.

I winced from the pain, wracking my brain for a solution. What else do dogs like besides fetch? Getting pet? But he's too damn tall...

...Okay, so then what so they hate? Cats? Squirrels? Being ignored?!

And then it hit me. I had to get him to come even closer.

Taking a ginormous risk, I turned my back to the dog and went completely lax, ignoring it entirely. Secretly, I was anticipating another swing, but what the mutt didn't know would most certainly hurt him.

Sure enough, after a bark of confusion, the dog lowered his head to me in an attempt to figure out why I refused to pay him any attention.

"Gotcha!" I whipped around and threw my hand over his head, dragging my fingers through his fur furiously. The dog yelped at my sudden affection, rolling onto the ground with his stomach and his legs dangling wildly in the air. Watching his oversized pink tongue flop all over the place with spit hanging off of it wasn't exactly charming, but considering the alternative, I may as well have been staring at the Mona Lisa.

"Who's a good dog?" I said in a sickly sweet voice as I dragged my hand through his mangy fur coat. "Who's a retarded little shit?" It didn't seem to realize I was insulting it, and just kept barking excitedly all the same. "That's right, you are! You are!"

After pet levels finally reached one-hundred percent, he hopped back to his feet and clambered off the way he came, and the way I was headed. But not before leaving me with one final gift.

A huge, affectionate, slobbery, vomit-inducing lick right on my face.

"...You know what, I don't care anymore," I muttered, attempting to wipe the saliva off on my sleeve. "It beats being covered in blood, at least."

Beyond the snow bank laid a long, rickety wood bridge strung up by a couple of ropes swaying in the wind. Long story short, it appeared ready to snap and fall into the chasm it hung over at any moment. I tried to find any other way across, but the fastest and most direct way was across the bridge. Unless I wanted to add another two hour diversion trekking through a bunch of spiny evergreen trees, this was my best bet.

"I mean, there's no sign of that giant dog, so he must've gone across the bridge, right?" I tried to convince myself. It wasn't working. "If it held him, it'll definitely hold me."

Holding my breath like it was the last one I'd ever take, I planted my first step onto the board. It creaked slightly under my weight, but felt strong enough to support me. I held onto the rope and jumped up and down a couple of times just to be sure. Satisfied, I started to make my way across. I didn't dare to release my grip on the cords.

Why did it have to be windy? The bridge constantly swayed back and forth in the breeze like a pendulum, threatening to tip at any moment. Made it pretty hard to concentrate on anything but falling to my death.

It wasn't until I was on the last quarter stretch when I glanced up long enough to see the skeleton brothers standing on the other end.

"Human! This is your final and most dangerous challenge!" yelled Papyrus, waving his arms around like he was trying to conduct and orchestra, and failing miserably.

I didn't slow my approach at all, desperately seeking solid ground again. "Walking? That's your final challenge?" I hoped he couldn't see my teeth chattering.

For the first time, Papyrus actually succeeded in making his voice sound like one to be reckoned with. "BEHOLD! THE GAUNTLET OF TERROR!"

At the sound of his voice, weaponry of all kind came swinging in on chains, from maces with lethal looking spikes to flamethrowers to spears to cannons to...a random normal-looking dog tied to a rope. All of them hung in front of me to either side of the bridge, threatening to move in for the kill at any moment. "Gauntlet of Terror" was easily the most appropriate name that could've been given to this obstacle.

"When I say the word," Papyrus continued, the light of the flamethrower casting an intimidating shadow over half of his face. "It will fully activate! Cannons will fire! Spears will swing! Blades will slice!"

God, it was like listening to the chant of a deranged cult rather than the usual babbling that came out of his mouth. Who knew Paps had it in him to be genuinely intimidating? If I hadn't been ready to piss my pants at the sight of all that weaponry, I would've been impressed.

"Only the tiniest chance of victory will remain!"

"I never said you had to roll out the red carpet for me, Paps," I said in one last, desperate attempt to get him to call it off. Between the gash on my arm and my head still feeling the effects of the zap, my odds of getting through that gauntlet seemed pretty slim.

But he was too caught up with himself to hear me. "Are you ready!?"

No.

"BECAUSE I!"

"Papyrus, please!"

"AM!"

"Let's talk about this!"

"ABOUT!"

"Shit!"

"TO DO IT!"

I screamed and got ready to dodge the first spear or blast of fire that came my way, but strangely...nothing happened. Papyrus was still standing there proudly, ready to destroy me, but none of the traps made any move to maim me.

"Well? What's the holdup?" asked Sans, speaking up for the first time. I shot him a glare that screamed, are you trying to get me killed?

"Holdup!? What holdup?" Papyrus wailed, facing...away from me now. "I'm...I'm about to activate it now!"

No way. Was he having second thoughts? Sure enough, everything remained completely stationary. But why? What about his precious 'Royal Guard' status?

"That, uh, doesn't look very activated," Sans observed keenly.

Papyrus turned back to face me, placing a hand on the end of the bridge. The fire in his eyes was completely gone. He looked just like the goofball I'd come to be acquainted with again. "Well...this challenge, it seems...maybe too easy to defeat the human with."

I was shocked. Thankfully not from another yellow tile, but that he was actually making excuses for not killing me on the spot. He had me right where he wanted me after all this time, but deemed it "too easy."

...I wasn't sure exactly how to feel about that. I guess relieved was one of them, as the weapons slowly began to retract back into their hiding places.

"Yeah!" Papyrus agreed with himself. "We can't use this one! I am a skeleton with standards! My puzzles are very fair, and my traps expertly cooked!"

Smiling, I added, "You can bet your ass they are!" You couldn't be too careful with Papyrus, he might change his mind at any moment.

"Even the Human admits they were too easily bested!" Papyrus pointed out. For once, I didn't argue. "There's no class at all! AWAY IT GOES!"

I let out the breath I'd been holding as the last of the traps disappeared, and the random dog with them. With nothing standing in my way, I crossed over to the other side of the bridge, never feeling happier than when I stood back on solid ground.

"Another decisive victory for Papyrus!" he cheered, looking more confused than anything else. I guess he hadn't fully accepted he had opted to save my life instead of performing his one duty. "Nyeh...Heh...Heh?" Casting one last look at me, he ran forward, leaving me and Sans alone.

"I guess you were right about your brother," I said to Sans once I was sure Papyrus was out of earshot. "He really isn't dangerous at all, even when he tries to be."

"Yep," was all Sans said in response. "Told ya."

We stood at a bit of stalemate for a moment, neither of us knowing what to say. I finally spoke up after the silence started to hurt. "Thanks."

Sans raised an eye socket, stretching his arms above his head as if he couldn't care less. "For what?"

"For the help. For the hoodie, I guess. Thanks."

For some reason, he wouldn't quite meet my gaze. "Don't mention it."

Satisfied with our "conversation," I turned back on the path and kept moving. I stopped when I, at last, found a sign of civilization. A literal big, neon sign out on the snow with Christmas lights lining the sides, simply reading;

Welcome to Snowdin!