These chapters keep getting longer... and more plotty. What happened? This was supposed to be a crack series... I blame Tom...

Teaching History (is Old News)

8 - Animagus

[So?] Tom demands when Nagini comes slithering back into the classroom. [What did you find out about Potter? What are his plans?]

[Pet me,] Nagini demands first.

Tom only glares at her, and then, only because demanding the respect he rightfully deserves would take too long, obliges.

[He's getting the human babes to construct a giant nest made of pastries. Um. A castle, I believe.]

Tom stops petting her. Nagini bristles.

[A… castle… made of… pastries.]

[Hmmm, yes… he compared it to a gingerbread house…? Why would humans make pastries out of ginger? How disgusting—hey, where are you going?! Come back and give me pets!]

Nagini slithers after him and for once, Tom doesn't care to disillusion her. Let the students see Nagini's great form, a taste of Tom's power. They will need to be acclimatized to her presence sooner or later just as the First Years have.

More importantly, Tom rushes up the stairs to the old North Tower, he needs to confirm Nagini's outrageous claim straight away. Potter can't be this stupid, surely—

He rams into a brown wall and splutters backwards, crumbs flying from his robes. Immediately, Tom blanches, wishing he could wipe the taste of sugar and cinnamon off his tongue.

"Oh, look class, it's Professor Riddle! He must have heard about our awesome project. Come in, Tom, come in, you must try out the pink frosting on the doors, it's fantastic!"

The giant biscuit-made-thing is not fantastic at all. Indeed, the structure seems made of pastry. This… gingerbread. Each wall stretches up to the ceiling, nearly touching the stone arches with its over-saturated rose frosting roof tiles. Every manner of muggle sweet from jelly beans to smarties seems to be plastered against the cookie walls like brick. There are even Every Flavour Beans and Chocolate Frogs hopping inside the gingerbread castle, through the peppermint laced windows.

Tom wants to vomit at the sight of it.

[So many human babes… they smell delicious… Oh, a rat!] Nagini slithers past the trails of whipped cream to swallow a rat dangling from Potter's hands.

Urgh. All those germs.

Potter's jumper seems to mock him too. Today's jumper has a snake eating waffles on it. A snake with a bowtie. Tom wants to find whoever knits these atrocious things for Potter and get rid of their fingers.

"I refuse."

"Gasp, my heart," Potter flails dramatically. "Class, whatever shall I do?! Your DADA professor has just rejected me because our castle got crumbs in his perfect, perfect hair!"

Potter's Fourth Year students only snigger, likely taking advantage of such a negligent teacher so they can slack off and think of asinine things all period.

"That's enough, Potter. This thing is not an appropriate use of class time—"

"Of course, it's appropriate! Do you know how many students actually know how to bake?! Zero! It's an atrocity!"

"—you should take your class back—"

"Everyone should know how to make a cheesecake!"

"Um, Professor, I thought we were making a gingerbread house…"

"There are cakes made of cheese?!"

"—because this is Divination, not Muggle Culinary Arts—"

"Whoa, watch out!" one of the students shouts as one of the walls flails over.

Before Tom can react, he's hit by walls of gingerbread, frosting and chocolate.

:

"You need to fire him," Tom hisses when Dumbledore comes. Knowing the old twit, Dumbledore has probably decided to preserve his memory of Tom covered in globs of chocolate sauce and frosting in a pensieve for blackmail.

"I don't see why," Dumbledore vanishes the mess with a flick of his wand. Tom hates how Potter makes Tom lose all reason. "The baking did no physical harm and the students enjoy the activity."

"Baking isn't Divination! What do sweets have to do with telling the future?!"

"You'd be surprised. Perhaps you should try more sweets, Tom. I can see you're rather upset from the mess but Harry meant no harm…"

"He's not teaching!"

Dumbledore only sighs. "Now Tom, it's not very professional to lash out about your colleagues like this. If you have an issue with Harry, please discuss it with him first before bringing it up with me."

Tom wishes his glare could smite someone on the spot. He refuses to discuss anything with Potter and he'll prove it.

:

That night, Potter tries to apologize for the 'gingerbread incident' by offering Tom another jar of eggplants.

Tom shuts the door in his face.

:

He spends the next few days pretending Potter doesn't exist, throwing out all of Potter's offerings of sweets, throwing up silencing charms so he doesn't have to deal with Potter's annoying existence. But the most annoying thing about Harry Potter is how he intervenes in Tom's classes without being truly there.

No, Tom hasn't had any disruptions in classes due to Potter (the Weasley Twins are a separate factor entirely) but his students talk excitedly about Potter's predictions. Silly little horoscopes that are vague enough to be true for anyone: you feel alone sometimes in the world (who doesn't?), you felt tired this week (again, who hasn't?!), you'll eat something delicious on Friday (the house elves always make extra effort in meals on Fridays.) Sometimes the students will speak of Potter's pastries and how these pastries melt on the tongue or Potter's newest antics like making everyone spin in circles and recite a fairy tale to the class.

Just what is this idiot teaching them?! How is Potter still a nuisance after all the effort Tom has put into ignoring him?!

It's only been four days since the school year started and Tom has seen Sixth Years walk into his DADA class wearing glittery, feather boa-scarves and gold mascara. Fifth Years keep pausing in the hallway to bow to Professor McGonagall and call her 'supreme jedi master' because apparently she controls the fate of the galaxy (it doesn't help that McGonagall only smirks and tells them to go to class.) Fourth Years stand up to do jumping jacks every hour, on the hour, while Third Years insist they have to balance plates on their head to get an O in Potter's class and how does that make sense.

Thank Merlin, Divination is an elective and that Potter can't corrupt First or Second Years. But with Potter's rising popularity, it's likely that enrollment for Divination next year will skyrocket.

Tom cannot let that happen.

He listens in on a conversation between Snape and Dumbledore, waiting for the topic of Potter to come up.

"…fire that brat this instant! If I see another wad of glitter leak into my potions lab again—!"

"Ah, but Severus, correct me if I'm wrong but the first procedure of Potions is to cast a cleaning charm on all students before class until they can cast it themselves, is it not?"

Snape growls, looking very sour indeed.

"I'm sorry, Headmaster, Snape, I couldn't help but overhear and add my own concerns… I'm unsure if Potter is actually adhering to the Divination curriculum and I worry that students in his class aren't learning what they need to…"

"Tom, Severus," Dumbledore shakes his head, "while Harry's teaching methods may seem eccentric, I'm confident that there is a purpose to his pedagogical approach. It's only been one week, much too early to judge the results of his teachings. Give it time. If you still feel worried, I invite you to sit in on one of Harry's classes. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Lemon drop?"

Snape looks as if he wants to take a lemon drop and spit it back in Dumbledore's face but only refrains out of respect.

Tom, only barely holding in his restraint, says bluntly, "I don't like sweets."

:

Fine. If Dumbledore won't act then Tom will. He'll find concrete evidence that Potter's an incompetent teacher and get rid of him for good.

[Nagini,] he hisses during his free period, [show me how you enter into Potter's classroom undetected.]

Her body jerks in surprise. [Master, are you planning on accompanying me today?]

[Yes,] Tom hisses as he lets the change come over him. Being an Animagus is like constructing a skin of magical intent around his body, shaping it smaller, smaller, more reptile and scales instead of human skin and limbs. He feels the magic wrap around him, shifting him into a more compact shape, trying to lure his mind into matching that shape too but no, Tom keeps his mind human.

When he opens his eyes, he's eye level with Nagini and they both admire his new serpentine form.

Nagini curls up around him in excitement. [You will love it, Master, Green-Eyes gives out the tastiest rodents for us to eat.]

Hating how his snake body coils in agreement, Tom hisses, [I am going to observe and gather evidence of his improper teaching so I can chase him away from Hogwarts, not to be a glutton.]

[Your human life must be very sad and disappointing if you don't indulge in food. I do not see why gaining weight must always be a negative trait for you humans.]

Tom only rolls his eyes and slithers after her.

She leads them through the pipes and Tom glowers in disgust. They move through the school undetected until Nagini eagerly nudges Tom forwards to a covered hole in the wall and Tom hears Potter lecturing. Carefully, Tom peeks out and has a good view of rows of students with their backs turned to him and Potter standing near the front.

The students are all standing one on leg, arms stretched up above their heads, and muttering, 'I'm a tree' repeatedly under their breaths.

This. Waste. Of. Space. Has Students. Pretending. To be. Trees. Trees!

[Don't go biting him, Master! That may be mating protocol for humans but not for snakes.]

[For the last time, I do not want to mate with Potter, that is ridiculous—]

"Professor!" A muggleborn he remembers as Hermione Granger raises her hand. To Tom's disgust, she has palm leaves tied to her wrists, much like the other students. "Excuse me! Professor!"

"Hm?" Potter looks up from his rainbow-stitched hammock and book. The ever-present paper cranes nest in his hair and seem to be snoring against his fluffy stingray sweater. "Oh, yes, Ms. Granger, what do you need?"

"When are we going to learn anything about real Divination?"

Some groans echo in the class from Third Years who clearly don't want to learn. But other Gryffindors like Parvarti and Brown's older sister nod in agreement, likely filled with sentimental stereotypes of the mysterious wizarding fortune teller. Tom, on the other hand, is just glad that a student has finally asked the important questions.

"But you are learning real Divination!" Potter grins. From above, his annoying owl familiar Hedwig hoots.

"Then why don't any of our lessons match the content in Unfogging the Future? I looked it up in the library the other day and real seers are more focused on looking at tea leaves or interpreting dreams. All we've done lately is balance plates on our heads and then imitate trees!"

"Smart," Potter nods in agreement. "Five points to Gryffindor for taking initiative to research more about your subject." Granger blushes but looks pleased. "Buuuut, I have to happily disagree. There is no real form of Divination."

The classroom explores into shouts of outrage, confusion and cheer. Tom, on the other hand, wonders if this will be enough to get Potter fired for good.

Quickly, Potter summons a whistle and blows it. The shrill note makes Nagini and Tom cringe and hiss indignantly but does the job of silencing the class instantly.

"Alright, alright, I see you're all excited, but let me explain… Divination…"

A rare somber look crosses Potter's face and for some reason, Tom remembers a younger Potter, standing out in the middle of a storm, utterly blank.

"It's a tricky subject. Some people have the true sight. They're the true seers. They can't control what they see or when, but it's usually about the future. Or potential futures. They're rare. But most magical people… Well, they don't have a shred of True Sight in them. True seers are born, not made. And yet most people will try anything—tea leaves, crystal balls, pendulums—for even a glimpse of the future. So why teach Divination?"

The class stares back in silence.

Potter only grins, the face of the idiot returning so quickly that Tom finds himself reaching out for the somber Potter instead. "Don't be shy, there are no wrong answers."

A twitchy Hufflepuff, Hakar Ababi, shakily raises his hand while Granger puzzles over the question.

"Yes, Mr. Ababi?" Potter says kindly.

"Um," Ababi flails with his palm leave hands, "so we just… know it?"

"Good start. I can see why you'd think that!" Potter nods, standing up to walk around the room. His paper cranes doze off in the middle of the air, nearly crashing into Hedwig who hoots irritably. "The British Wizarding School System has been designed to value shoving as much knowledge into our brains as possible without really telling us the real-world application or relating it to Wizarding, heck, even muggle history. We've stopped asking why we learn things, we just recite and memorize. Let's try to think of why. Let's try to think deeply about Divination."

"Oh!" Another Hufflepuff, Lifen Wang, nearly falls out of her tree pose, "Maybe to find ways people take advantage of Divination? And try to stop it?"

"Excellent! Five points to Hufflepuff for you, Ms. Wang, and another five for you, Mr. Ababi, for earlier. Do you know how many magical people get swindled for their gold by fake seers? It's important to learn the common forms of Divination so we can recognize what 'true' Divination might look like, so we can be critical thinkers. How else can we think about Divination? Keep your tree poses up, breathe and think like a tree!"

Tentatively, Ronald Weasley raises his hand. "Er… My dad works at the Ministry and he sees a lot of coworkers obsessed with their horoscopes or going to Fortuna's to try and learn their fortune. Some blokes go bankrupt 'cause they have to 'change their future' or something like that."

Potter's grin grows wider. "There you go! A real-world example! Five points to Gryffindor! Yes, there are a lot of fate-turning pubs like Fortuna's where magical people go to find their future and then try to change it. Those facilities work a lot like muggle casinos, presenting fortunes like games that can be easily changed with a bit of money. Learning about Divination helps us think about how harmful it can be to be obsessed with the future. Critical thinking. How does what we're doing in class right now help with learning divination?"

The students look at each other in confusion but with an encouraging nod from Potter, they start discussing possible answers.

"Maybe this is training to make us true seers!" Thomas claims.

"Don't be silly, Dean, Professor Potter said that seers can't be made," Granger cuts in.

"Well maybe we're learning balance or something. Like, in our minds," Thomas says, "so we can think more critically, yeah?"

"Great thought process there, Mr. Thomas. Yes, exercises like envisioning yourself as a tree or balancing a plate on your head, focus your thoughts on one task… They clear your mind so you can't be easily swayed and you know yourself better. In fact, these exercises are a good way of strengthening your mind if you ever want to learn mind arts like Occulmency. Five points to Gryffindor."

"Oh! Like muggle meditation!" Granger brightens. "You're teaching us to manage ourselves better mentally and emotionally! To handle stress!"

"Urgh, what's the use of that?" Zacharias Smith sneers. "Meditation is boring! Pointless! Ow!" Smith shakes his palm leaf hands at a flock of unhappy pink cranes.

Potter just stands there and shakes his head. "Don't judge the method before seeing the results, good sir. My cranes can be kind of cranky if you're rude in my class, remember? Besides, do you know how many magical people crumple under the pressure of the worsening economy and responsibilities of adulthood? So far, about one fifth! And those are only the brave few who have spoken up! Who knows how many keep silent about it?"

Even Smith has to blink, taking in this new information. From what Tom knows about the Smith family, some of the older generation have a history of breaking down in public and then isolating themselves away from the Wizarding community for decades after.

"We go to school to learn spells, magic, theory," Potter walks through the rows of palm-tree-students with every pair of eyes fixed on him, "to improve our magical knowledge. But what about our mental knowledge? Emotional? Who teaches us how to live?"

No one, Tom thinks bitterly. We are thrust into a world unwillingly and never told the rules. We survive. We rule. We conquer. Or we die. That's it.

"We do," Potter answers, practically bouncing in each step. "We teach ourselves and we teach each other by our lives. But it sure would be useful if we had a class on how to live. How to manage the tough times."

"What, so baking is supposed to help us?" Smith sneers again with his nasally voice. Tom has an urge to bite him.

"Well, why not? It might not be for you. But I'm told it's very therapeutic for those who love cooking. And maybe it's not your thing, fine, but now you can bake something! Go impress your friends, woo some future lovers."

"But what about telling the future? Making prophecies and all that rubbish? We still have to do that for our OWLs!"

Ronald Weasley looks ready to punch Smith in the face for his outbursts and even Tom feels impatient, wanting to hear more of Potter's justifications, but Potter only smiles. "No worries. We'll learn about Crystal balls and dream interpretations eventually… just not in the conventional way you might be thinking. Besides," Potter suddenly looks directly at the hole where Nagini and Tom are hiding, "like I said, we shouldn't obsess too much about the future… Prophecies can be self-fulfilling things. Sometimes, it's best not to know."

Tom doesn't shrink back. He's a snake now, an ordinary snake coming to visit for snacks like Nagini. Potter couldn't possibly know—

"But…! But that defeats the entire purpose of studying Divination for the OWL! Why shouldn't we know?!"

Potter only smiles. "Alright then, if you'd like to know your future, Zacharias Edmund Smith of Hufflepuff House, I will tell you that one of your greatest fears will fall unexpectedly into your lap at an inconvenient moment and you will not react well."

Smith pales but shakes his head. "Those bloodthirsty flamingoes haven't shown up yet, why should I be afraid of this prediction?"

Potter looks confused for a moment before he laughs. "Oh. Right. The flamingoes. Well," he sits back in his hammock again, "give it time."

Before anyone can respond, the bell rings, signaling the end of class. Everyone scurries to put their books away, still looking at Potter with half-confusion, half-awe or, (like Smith) half-distaste.

[Finally, class is done! Time to get my snack,] Nagini pushes Tom out of the crack in the wall so they can slither down a wooden column.

[I'm not going. I need to teach next period—]

[But my snacks!]

"Whoa, Ron, watch where you're going," Thomas shouts just as the fifth Weasley child trips into him, knocking the curtains over.

[Master, watch out!]

The curtains smack Tom and Nagini off the column and they go flying through the air. Tom hisses the various ways he wants to maim the Weasley and Thomas just as he and Nagini land on something soft.

A whimper echoes above them. Tom and Nagini blink up, staring into the nasally Zacharias Smith's eyes.

[Noisy human babe. If only my Master would let me eat you,] Nagini sighs forlornly.

Smith's eyes bulge as he turns an ugly shade of purple and throws Nagini and Tom away in mid-air.

"SSSSNAKE! GETitOFFmE, getitOFFmEEeeee!" He runs away screaming, knocking many of his classmates over.

[Stupid, stupid, stupid—] Tom hisses just as he sees the ground.

"I got you!" Warm hands catch him and Nagini mere seconds away from severe injury and Tom instinctively huddles closer to the heat source. "Thank Merlin you're both okay! Oh, do you have a new friend, Nagini?"

[Green Eyes!] Nagini eagerly wraps herself around Harry's shoulders, looking more like she'll squeeze him to death rather than hug him. [I never want to see that noisy babe again. We should go far away so you can keep feeding and petting me forever.]

"What a handsome snake," Potter peers down at Tom while Tom does his best to act like a snake instead of a wizard. Hiss hiss. "Hang on, I have a few mice for you too… But really, try not to visit me through the walls. You could fall again! And Hedwig might decide you make a tasty snack."

On cue, the demon owl flaps her wings hungrily.

Nagini and Tom hiss back at her.

"But what a strange coincidence," Potter says serenely. "Who knew Smith was so afraid of snakes? You'd think they were his greatest fear or something."

Tom stiffens. Narrows his eyes. Reviews the class in his head.

[Yes,] he hisses. [One might believe that you had True Sight for a moment…]

Potter, of course, shows no signs of understanding. Only sends both snakes off with their bellies full of mice and warm, ridiculously rainbow-coloured snake-sweaters ("Sneaters!" Potter exclaimed eagerly) and Tom's mind racing with possibilities.

He needs to remember every prediction Potter ever made. Immediately.

A guide to age in this AU:

Third Year students: Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Zacharias, Lavender, Pavarti, Hakar Ababi, Lifen Wang, Maeve Brown

First Year Students: Blaise, Ginny, Hannah, Colin, Lavender, Soo Lin Dao

Adults: Minerva, Draco, Cho, Cedric, Charlie and Bill Weasley, Rubeus, Myrtle, Neville, Luna

AN: I had to make up reasons why learning Divination is somewhat valid in the wizarding world...

EDITED CHAPTER - Nov 15, 2019