Hey guys. sorry for yanking on your heartstrings so much with that last chapter. it was a doozy. This one is kinda heavy too. But in a different way. I gotta put another trigger warning in here for depictions of self harm. If you don't want to read that part, scroll to the first line break in the chapter.
Ina doesn't know where she's going until she gets there.
She grabs her step stool from the corner of the mess hall and carries it to the kitchen, where she works on brewing herself a pot of tea. That should help. Ina doesn't think she's ever been this upset before. She didn't think it'd be possible to get this angry with her whole family.
Why couldn't they just leave it alone?
She tolerated them making comments about her appearance without so much as a single complaint. Even managed to ignore her past for one night, allowing herself to feel pretty on her birthday. But those terrible feelings came back with full force the next day.
Being pretty has caused her so much pain.
She's just fine being plain. Ordinary. Unnoticeable.
Ina gives up on the tea. Her hands are shaking too much to concentrate. She puts her step stool back in its place and leaves.
Maybe a walk will clear her mind. No, Ina doesn't want to deal with the cold right now.
Ina makes her way to her room. It's not likely that anyone will bother her.
Once in her room Ina locks the door. Papa has the only other key, but he promised he'd never use it unless there was a serious emergency. All that happened was Ina losing her temper at everyone she loves. No emergency there. She hopes they'll give her some space.
Papa.
ina knows she cut him really deep today. He should never forgive her for hurting him like that.
She'll apologize eventually. They're not the problem. She is. Ina wants them to understand that.
Ina stops at the mirror for a moment. She's still wearing the red dress Papa and mama bought for her. It's so nice. Ina really likes the way it flows whenever she moves. Plus it's comfortable. She can see herself playing in this dress for hours.
Ina unclips the belt and lets it fall to the ground. The dress soon follows. She threads her fingers through her hair to undo the braid. Hmm, her hair is a little longer.
Ina stares at her reflection.
Her chest isn't as flat as it was before. Looks like her hips are getting a little wider. Her thighs look somewhat bigger too. She's growing.
Ina runs her fingers down her right thigh, feeling each ridge in her skin one by one.
She's so glad that brothers and sisters were too busy trying to resuscitate her to notice. Her body is covered in old scars anyway. What's a few more? Why would they notice?
She finally tears her eyes away from the mirror and heads into the bathroom.
It's almost like routine, even though she's only done this three times.
She goes straight to the bathtub and turns the knobs to start the shower. Instead of stepping into the tub, Ina reaches behind the toilet for what she knows is back there. A small, but very sharp pocket knife.
The water is scalding, but Ina can't say that she minds. She's not here to bathe, not yet at least. She just needs the background noise, and something to quickly wash away the evidence.
Ina sits directly beneath the shower stream, letting the hot water run down her face for a moment. She can't tell the difference between her tears and the hot water, but is thankful for that.
It stings a lot when she drags the blade across her flesh. The water makes it sting even more, and washes away the blood before it has a chance to gather.
She's sure to space them out. They stick out less if they're not in a pattern.
It doesn't feel good. In fact, it really hurts. But Ina uses that pain as a distraction. Uses it to take her mind off the pain in her heart. To divert her thinking to something other than what just happened today.
"Never be pretty. Never be pretty." Ina whispers to herself as she drags the blade across her skin again. And again.
"Never."
Soon enough her whole body relaxes. She feels the numbness set in. Her hands finally stop shaking. Her heart stops racing.
This glorious numbness is worth the momentary pain.
Ina doesn't spend much longer in the shower. She sets the blade aside and reaches forward to adjust the temperature of the water. She needs it to be cooler so it doesn't sting too much while she bathes.
When she's finished she turns the shower off and grabs her towel. She's so glad they're not white or some other bright color. With a dark navy colored towel, her blood won't show up on it. She blots herself dry before stepping onto the bath mat. The cuts still sting like crazy, but Ina cannot be more thankful for the distraction.
Hange has finally managed to calm Levi down. She still feels his heart racing from where she holds his wrist.
"We should go talk to her." Jean suggests.
"No." Armin holds his hand up. His eyes glazed over. "She needs her space. We've crowded her enough."
"We can't… we can't leave this alone." Sasha mumbles.
"We're all a bunch of fucking idiots." Erens voice cracks.
"We keep trying to act like she's just a normal kid and she isn't. We crossed a boundary because we tried to forget that her past happened. She's been with us over a year, but there are still 8 years of horrible shit behind her we totally ignored."
"How were we supposed to know?!" Krista sobs. "We couldn't have known!"
Hange finally speaks up, her hand still rubbing circles on Levi's back. "We couldn't have known, but when Ina said she was done with the subject, we should have let it go." She knows she's the only thing keeping Levi in one piece right now.
"I know the doctors and therapists all say that we should encourage her to speak her mind and not bottle things up, but there's a fine line between healthy expression and forcing someone to discuss their pain."
Connie falls to his knees. He can't, This is just too much.
"I called her pretty… that was my nickname for her. I didn't know!" He wails.
"No! Stop it!" Sasha kneels next to him. "We all called her pretty, and cute, and beautiful, we all did it! There's no way we would have known how much it hurt her."
Armin stutters. "But… But she has to know that- that being pretty isn't always going to get her hurt."
"We're not there yet, Armin goddammit!" Krista explodes.
"We triggered her. It doesn't matter what we think. We were wrong. One day, we'll try to help her define beauty properly, but not today." She pauses and looks away while tears flood her eyes.
"Not today! Because right now she associates being pretty with sexual abuse. We have no control over how she feels about that. We just need to accept it, and fucking apologize for hurting her."
Even with the mask covering most of his face, the hurt in Armin's eyes is unmistakable. Everyone is on edge. Everyone is overwhelmed, and worried.
They really fucked up this time.
Ina doesn't know why, but she thought someone would be knocking on her door already. They always rush to apologize or comfort her when somethings wrong. But not this time.
Ina was hurt, but she knows that she probably hurt them back when she said all those things. It's still strange that they get so upset whenever something bad happens to her. They cry and hug her and say sorry over and over. They hold her and do whatever it takes to make her feel better.
So when they found out how much being pretty hurt her inside, they probably felt terrible about it.
God she is so bad at this. Ina doesn't know how be a part of a family. Her life has changed so much, but try as she might, her past still haunts her every single day. Maybe she's just too broken to be normal. Maybe what happened to her makes it impossible to feel happy, and loved, and safe.
Maybe everyone here is better off without her.
Ina survived her entire life on the street. There's no reason she couldn't go back to that.
But could she really just walk away? Could she do that to Papa? Could she leave brothers and sisters behind? Mama? Uncle Erwin?
She knows they love her. Ina almost wishes she didn't love them back. It would make what she has to do so much easier.
Ina doesn't think she can hurt papa. She saw how he fell apart when she'd been kidnapped. She remembers the panic attacks he used to have at night because he was so worried. So afraid that he'd lose her.
She can't do it.
Ina feels like she'd be able to leave brothers and sisters, and even mama if she had to. But she can't break Papa's heart. She loves him too much to hurt him that way. And she knows that leaving would destroy him.
Ina slides out of bed and walks to her door. She's finally calmed down enough to suck it up and face them again.
She opens her door to find papa on the other side, preparing to knock. There are tears in his eyes, and streaming down his face. He's never looked more sad and depressed than in this moment.
She did that to him. She made her Papa cry.
"Papa…"
Levi drops to his knees in front of her.
"Is... it alright… if I hug you?" He asks.
Papa always asks permission to touch her. Especially when he knows she's upset. He told Ina that it's a sign of respect. Sometimes Ina forgets that she deserves respect at all. Papa always reminds her.
Ina nods. "Of course, Papa."
At first he just takes her hand, and runs small circles over it with his thumb.
"I'm s-" Ina doesn't have a chance to get her apology out in full. He pulls her into his arms and sobs on her shoulder.
"Please… please don't leave me." He begs.
Ina holds on to him, pulling him even closer than he already is.
He knew.
Papa knew that if Ina was upset enough, she'd leave. He realized it was a possibility that he might never see her again. Now he's here begging for her to stay.
She won't break her Papa's heart. Not now. Not ever.
"I can't live without you." Levi cries. "Please, don't go."
She's never heard him cry like this before. He sounds terrified.
"Me and you," Ina whispers. "Are forever. Forever, Papa."
She pulls away and places her little hands on his cheeks.
"Forever." She repeats.
"Ina," Levi takes her hand again. "We're so sorry. We crossed a line, today. Everybody knows it. You were right. What happened to you was none of our business, and we never should have acted like it was. You don't owe us anything, least of all an explanation."
Ina sighs. "I shouldn't have yelled at you guys.… I know what I said really hurt you." She admits.
"No, this isn't about us." Levi shakes his head. "None of this is about us. Everything we do, everything we should do is what's best for you. That means that sometimes we need to shut the fuck up and give you your space. You're more than entitled to it."
She can't stand seeing tears still falling from his eyes. Ina has never felt worse.
"I love you guys. And… I love how much you love me."
"We do love you. So much." Levi kisses her palm. "But Ina, we love you because you're kind, and smart, and adventurous. You're so stubborn I could throttle you. And you're so… fiercely determined. I've never seen you give up on anything. I love… the way you cover up your cheeks when you're embarrassed. The way that you stick your tongue out when you write. All those little things make you Ina. That's just a tiny fraction of why I love you."
He runs his free hand through her slightly damp hair.
"Ina, we do think you're beautiful. I hope that, one day, you can see yourself how we see you. But not right now. We shouldn't be trying to force you to feel something that you don't want. We shouldn't be trying to force you into anything. We're sorry, Ina. We're so sorry."
Levi pulls her into another hug.
"We're sorry." He repeats it over and over again.
"Please forgive us, Ina. I love you, I can't- I can't live without you. I don't want to lose you."
"You're not gonna lose me." Ina comforts him.
"Papa… It doesn't matter how mad I get at you or how annoyed we are with each other. You're my family. And we're not family because we're happy all the time. But because even when we're mad and not talking, we can still have dinner and tea together every night. We can still say that we love each other before bed time. So… you don't have to worry about losing me. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
"Okay." Levi smiles at her.
Ina dries the last of his tears with her thumb. "Papa?"
"Yes, my love."
"How'd you know… that I thought about leaving?" She's insanely curious.
"Because it's what I would have done." He doesn't hesitate with his answer for a second. Clearly, he knew she would ask.
"You act a lot like I did when I was your age. If a bunch of assholes sat there and forced me to talk about my worst memories, I would have been out the door before anyone could blink."
"You guys aren't assholes."
"We are, Ina. Especially after today. What we did was completely unforgivable. You deserve so much better."
That just doesn't sound fair to Ina. She's never known pain or fear while she's been here. They're so good to her. How could she ever fault them for anything when they're the reason she's alive and happy?
"It- it's not like you guys wanted to hurt me. I know the difference between good and bad people." Ina reasons.
Levi nods in agreement. "It's true, we don't ever want to hurt you. That's still what we ended up doing, and there's no taking it back. We- I should have known better. As soon as you said you were done, that should have been the end of it."
"I guess… sometimes we have to learn people's boundaries the hard way."
Ina speaks from experience. For one, She had no idea Eren didn't like talking about his mom. Apparently she'd been killed right in front of him. But Ina didn't know, and kept pressing Eren for more. Armin pulled her aside to tell her why Eren was getting upset and avoiding the subject. Ina apologized for days afterward. She didn't realize how much she hurt him. Eren said he wasn't mad at her, but Ina still feels guilty about it even today. And more than a little afraid to bring things up in conversation out of fear that it might hurt someone. That's the last thing she wants.
Ina reflects. "We all have to learn what everyone is and isn't okay with."
"I suppose so. Still. I always say that I'm on your side but I wasn't today. I should have been the one to stick up for you."
"You always stick up for me, Papa."
"I should have done better. You deserve so much better."
"It's okay. Honestly. You're already the best. No one's ever treated me as good as you. Even now with brothers and sisters and mama… I just. I feel different when I'm with you. Safe… and important. You… you make me feel seen."
Ina has no idea how to put her feelings for him into words. She sure did try her best though.
"I'm glad my smothering doesn't bother you. Because, I don't think I know how to stop."
Papa sighs sadly. Ina knows what he's going to say next. She let's him get it out. He's scared. And she can tell that he's not used to being scared this way.
"I… I know… I know it's a lot, maybe even too much to ask of you. But-" he will grovel if he has to. Levi can't lose Ina. Can't live in a world where she's not there. "Please… stay."
"Papa, I promise I'll never hurt you that way. You were right, it crossed my mind. But only for a second. I backed out because… I just… I can't do that to you. I tried and I… I just couldn't go through with it."
"I'm sorry, Ina. I know how selfish I'm being. Trust me I know. But- I mean it. You're my whole world. I just don't know don't know what I'd do without you… I don't think I could."
"Well you'll never have to. I'm just as selfish. I love you too much, Papa. You're my whole world."
"We're so sorry." Levi pulls her into one more hug.
"I'm sorry, too."
"Don't-"
"I'm sorry I thought about leaving you. I'm… it'll probably happen again. I'll be mad and probably think about it. But I'll never go through with it. I promise. Because now… now that I've known you… and what a family is like. What it's like to be loved. I don't think I can live without you, either. I'll never leave you. Never." She cries on his shoulder. "Never in a million years. I love you, Papa. More than anything."
Papa breathes a shaky sigh of relief.
"Thank you, Ina."
So reading through this made me realize this is one giant sob fest. I'm sorry for the roller coaster of feels y'all something is wrong with me. I will say that when I wrote this chapter I made my own damn self cry. That's how I knew it was too sad for it's own good. Thankfully, the next and final chapter is much more lighthearted and wholesome. More family fluff for your reading pleasure! Thank you all!