Chapter Seventeen: What the Nether is All This?
And so the conquering hero claims the high ground, facing his enemies with unimaginable bravery befitting that of a true warrior-
"Get off the table, you idiot."
Andras reluctantly did as he was told.
"Now go and groom the horse, there's a good boy."
The lackwit slogged out the door towards the stables with an air of torment hanging around him like a drunken thundercloud (Because only a drunk thundercloud would bother tormenting him).
The two were currently staying at an inn situated quite close to the Wall. When asked about the reason, Alex had replied "We're waiting for a pair of accident-prone numbskulls to go through Hell and back. It shouldn't take long."
Andras knew better than to demand a specification. He was likely to risk transformation into dog chow.
The wolf bounded up to the sullen boy and whined. Then, not receiving the attention he was after, he proceeded to bowl the boy over and give him a bath. And not with water.
"AAAIIEEEE! STOP! STOP!"
The screams travelled all the way to the Aether and bounced halfway back to the Overworld.
And so the conquering hero was defeated by a dog. The end.
A raven zipped through the air above Brightwater Watch. Flaring its wings, it landed neatly on a balcony and loudly demanded to be taken care of.
A harried guard rushed outside and caught the prancing bird just before it got bored and scarpered off somewhere. He quickly untied the letter from the raven's leg and scrambled downstairs to deliver the piece of paper to whoever was in charge.
A stern old woman sitting at a table took it from him and read it out loud.
INTRUDERS AT FLOODMARK STOP GIRL WITH CARROT COLOURED HAIR BEATING UP ALL SENTRIES WITH SAUCEPAN STOP SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY APPREHEND THE MADWOMAN SAVE OUR SOULS AAARRRGGHH NOTCHDAMMIT SHE'S HERE -
Alex sneezed. Then made an expression that managed to convey the meaning of 'impending doom'.The idiot froze and fell over in abject horror.
"Someone is talking about me behind my back." She muttered icily into her bowl of stew.
The lackwit inched out the door inconspicuously and closed it behind him. If the sky was going to suddenly rain fire, then it was going to rain on the people inside of the inn. Not him.
And the conquering hero outwits doom itself! Ahahaha-
THUD.
A saucepan buried itself in the ground at his feet.
"NO INAPPROPRIATE CACKLING!" Alex yelled from inside the building.
The message suddenly cut off ominously. The old woman dropped the piece of paper, looking so unimpressed that if someone tried to measure her levels of impressed-ness with a meter, the bottom end would probably explode.
All other human beings in the room backed away. Even the fire seemed to shrink in on itself.
"Where's Darya?" She demanded.
"The Captain, she, uh, left this morning to, er... take care of a band of - um, robbers down th-the road..." The guard fled as soon as he finished his sentence. Probably to get a change of pants.
Marge frowned. That was unfortunate. It looked like she would have to go out herself.
"I'm too old for this." She muttered.
Everyone else in the building were simultaneously hit by the same train of thought: She's only old when it suits her.
Though to speak one's opinion out loud in these circumstances was likely to get one a funeral within the week.
The band of robbers had been dealt with quickly, and for the most part, effectively.
That is, until one temerarious individual had the tenacity to complain about his fate.
"Fif'een yeers robbin' Brigh'water Bay an' now this, this female beansprout-"
The world suddenly became very, very still.
"Excuse me mister..."
The man was totally oblivious to the rage-monster standing over him with a club.
"... But I think I just heard the word beansprout."
"Yeh. So what?!"
And with that, the unfortunate robber sealed his fate.
"OH, SO I AM A SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT SPECK NOW, AM I?! CAN'T EVEN SEE ME CLEARLY IN THE NOONDAY LIGHT BECAUSE I'M SO BLOODY SMALL, YOU SAY?! 'COS I'M SUCH A TINY PEEWEE AN ANT CAN'T PICK ME UP WITH THE HELP OF A MAGNIFYING GLASS! JUVENILE, CHILDISH, YOU CALL ME?! I'LL SHOW YOU JUST HOW SMALL YOU CAN BE AFTER I CUT ALL YOUR LIMBS OFF!"
The other Watchmen (And women) plugged their ears in sync. They'd had plenty of practice before.
A female Watch member nervously inched up to the screaming Captain and tapped her on the shoulder.
She got a faceful of verbal vengeance as a reward.
"Cap! Marge - sent - us - message - want - you - back - at - Brightwater - Hold!" The unimaginably brave woman shouted over gales of fury.
A small lump formed on the cobblestone road and went unnoticed by all but a small cricket that was dislodged from a leaf. The cricket was understandably quite peeved, but its tiny cricket-ish cuss words thankfully went unheeded due to its small size.
The storm of rage died down. The girl Captain gave the now terrified man one last kick and stomped off to her horse.
"Get 'em sorry donkey asses back t' the 'old." She ordered, still scowling. "I'm gonna ride on a'ead."
The horse had one of its eyes fixed on the growing lump and stubbornly refused to budge.
"What?" Daria snapped, as the horse suddenly reared up and began a serious of movements that suspiciously resembled the can-can.
-And that was the only warning they got before the cobblestone road exploded with a vengeance.
The Captain's reflexes took over on their own accord, and before she was fully aware of what the Nether was going on, she was springing backwards while swiping wildly with her sword at the creature situated at the spot she was standing on a moment earlier.
The stone golem creaked ponderously as little pieces of stone were chipped off its sides. Then it raised a massive fist and swung it.
The little Captain darted underneath the crude hammer, sword poised to slice into the creature's left eye socket-
"Get back, Cap'n!" Someone shouted.
- And Daria used the creature's side to propel herself away with a sudden kick, rolling to a stop some distance away-
KA-BOOM!
Several blocks of sneakily placed trinitrotoluene, otherwisely called TNT, ignited simultaneously.
When the dust cleared, there was a very large hole in the middle of the road containing a total amount of zero suspicious alien creatures.
Someone cleared their throat nervously. "What the Nether was that?"
The Captain got shakily to her feet and violently slammed her sword back into her Inventory in an effort to hide the depth of her unease.
"Stone golem." She muttered under her breath. "Some ol' folktale in me village... summat 'bout a war, I think."
She shook her head suddenly and turned to glare at her soldiers. "Well, yer dinguses? What' yer waitin' around fer? We ain't got all day!"
I know I'm about to say something obvious. Really obvious. In fact, it's so obvious that I have to warn you before I say it.
Okay, here it comes: The Nether is freaking hot.
You can put that pitchfork away now.
I groaned unenthusiastically and rolled around in misery.
I smelt something burnt. Then I realised that the burning smell was, in fact, coming off my head, which was unfortunately positioned four inches away from a sea of lava.
Not knowing what to do in such circumstances, I went back to default settings.
That was to say, I sat up and screamed very, very loudly.
And was very surprised to be rewarded with an answering scream.
I stared at the smoggy, red haze hanging over everything. Then I stared upwards. And when I found more empty air, I looked up further.
Uh-oh...
The giant white squid-thing looked back at me and promptly decided that I would look better with a little more crisping.
I flopped away from the first fireball, got up, and fell over my own feet just in time for the second one to sail over my head. Then I proceeded to crawl away as fast as possible and when I felt my brain had properly sorted itself out, I hopped awkwardly to my feet and ran like I had a pyromanic devil squid on my tail, which was admittedly all true minus the tail.
THWICK.
I glanced back and stopped mid-scream, producing a sound that kinda went 'AAAAAAaaagh...aah?'.
The squid fell out of the air and exploded into a puff of white smoke.
The scythe spun back into its owner's hand.
"That," said Horus, whom I noticed had one finger in an ear. "Was very... audible. I suspect I should not worry about you getting lost in the future."
He walked over to the place the Ghast made contact with the ground and picked up something small and white.
Then he threw it into the lava.
"Hey!" I exclaimed. "What did you do that for? An alchemist could have saved someone's life with it!"
"When I die," he said with no expression at all, derailing completely from my question. "I would like to be cremated."
I stared. And when I was done staring, I stared some more. I got the faint impression that he had a few Moos loose in the top paddock.
"Alright." I said finally, when the silence had once again gotten thick enough to crust. "So we're in the Nether. What now?"
He shrugged eloquently. "Don't hit the Pigmen and don't try to go to sleep. Don't pick a fight with the Wither Skeletons and don't touch their Nether Wart, they're prickly about it. Also, don't ever ask a Blaze if they want a drink because it's offensive and they'll take it as an invitation to crisp you-"
"I don't think a lesson in Mob etiquette is important right now-" I paused. "-Incidentally, how do you know these things?"
He shrugged again.
I gave up. I was now the world champion at giving up. If there was ever a competition of Who Can Give Up First, I'd come- no, wait, I'd have given up.
"So where would we get this dragon scale?"
He tilted his head curiously. "You will find out when we get there. The risk of being overheard here is too high."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh so it's a secret now, is it? Gods help me, but I can't help but notice how you seem to want to drown me in them."
"It is not a secret," he said seriously. "because it is known to more than one person. And I would like to keep that particular number as low as I am able. Now, if you will excuse me, I must arrange our transport."
"Wait a sec - Transport?! What transport?! We're in the Nether!" I envisioned a platform of human bones carried on the backs of pigmen and quickly un-envisioned it.
A wailing song impacted on my eardrums and spun around, weapon in grip-
"That transport." Horus appeared soundlessly next to my shoulder and pointed in the opposite way. I turned around awkwardly.
Oh, ye gods. The Fates really wanted to pancake me.
Not one, not two, but four enormous white devil-squids floated not ten meters away with clear, viscous fluid dripping from their closed eyelids.
"They will not attempt to eat you." Horus promised as he noted my state of panic. "The first one was rogue. They do not tolerate that kind of behaviour. And do put that shovel away. You do not want to make a bad impression. They have long memories."
Aurorion and Pyrien strolled along in the Aether. Seeing as Pyrien had only recently returned to the world of the living, he had to do double time on being an annoying pest to catch up for what he missed. Aurorion had recently barely just managed to get him to take a break from 'persuading' the Aether Labs to blow up (Jeb was almost weeping tears of gratitude. You wouldn't be able to tell, but he was).
Suddenly, Aurorion halted mid-step. Pyrien raised an eyebrow.
"What is the matter, brother dear?"
"I can smell ozone." Aurorion said in a tone reeking of impending doom.
Pyrien sniffed the air. "Yes, that does appear to be the case. Is the smell bothering you?" An evil grin appeared on his face. "I can cover it up, if you like." He offered innocently, eyeing up several flammable objects in the area.
"No, you don't understand." A look of dread came over Aurorion. "I can smell ozone."
The air temperature dropped by about thirty degrees celsius.
Understanding dawned upon the troublemaking fire god. "That's not you, is it?"
Aurorion's face screamed 'no'.
"HIDE!" He suddenly yelled, grabbing his brother and throwing him into a bush, and then diving in after him.
"Vhat wash-" Pyrien mumbled through a mouthful of leaves before Aurorion clamped his hand over his mouth.
Rolling his eyes, Pyrien proceeded to peek out of the bush.
CRACK.
A whip of silver electricity snapped a bit too close to his face, and the fire god recoiled back into the foliage.
Ah.
Herobrine walked past at normal human pace, hands in his pockets and looking deceptively calm. Except for the lightning crackling all over his surroundings.
Aurorion went about three hundred shades paler. Pyrien decided it would be a good idea to put a hold on breathing for the moment.
It was until imminent doom moved well out of earshot before Pyrien dared to start breathing again.
"I think he might have been annoyed just then." Pyrien whispered, prodding his brother in the ribs. Though with Herobrine it was hard to tell, as he only seemed to have one facial expression.
"You reckon?" Aurorion snapped, disentangling himself from the bush. "He and Notch seem to be on slightly unfriendly terms at the moment. You can see stuff just disintegrating in the throne room fairly often nowadays."
Pyrien shrugged. "Family spats happen. Eh, Rory, you never told me what happened to your spear."
Aurorion suddenly managed to bleach to such a degree that snowstorms would weep for shame.
"...don't ever ask again, you hear? Never."
Pyrien knew the signs of a PTSD (Painful Traumatic Shock Discourse) attack when he saw it, and decided not to argue. Aurorion would probably be fine once he's safely drunk.
Hello again from the flip side.
As I have stated last chapter, I now aspire to become a published author, so updates will be far less frequent.
For the people who asked, it's not finished yet, and probably won't be for quite a long time. Though I've recently acquired this thing called a blogspot; if you're curious, it's at crimsonreynard dot blogspot dot com (I did not realise there was a filter preventing me from using actual dots. Whoopadoo. My bad)
(Thank you for pointing it out, .dawnstar)
So... yeah. With luck, the next time you see me will be at the last page of a published book.
-Nano