Chapter 16: The Astronomy Tower and Girls
Sage rested his back against the stone wall and stared out into the darkness again. It seemed as if sleep would elude him. A few weeks without pushing his abilities had proved only partially helpful. The nights he could not rely on a sleeping aide, he either spent trying to sleep or completely not even trying to sleep. Tonight was one of those nights.
The infinite nature of space always seemed to sickeningly fascinate him when he gazed out at the stars. Infinity was as difficult to grasp as death was, which did not help him any. He walked away from the wall and stood, looking into nothingness.
Silently in the darkness, he wished that he could put an end to his problems and move on, but the more he tried, the more he just blatantly failed. He wished for things to get back to the way they were the year before. He had to admit, however, that things were getting marginally better so far as being able to sufficiently distract himself most of the day. He helped Hermione with class work and once even let her listen to him play the guitar. The problem with Hermione was that he could not be around her when he was feeling his worst. During those times he wanted a silence that she was unwilling to give, ever.
That was exactly how he had found himself on top of the Astronomy tower late at night. He was so lost in his own thoughts, he did not even hear the door open. In fact, he didn't notice the presence of another person until a quiet voice asked, "Professor?"
He whipped around in surprise. He certainly was not a professor. His eyes lighted upon a small form all wrapped up in a cloak.
"Oh Sage, erm, sorry about that. You look like Professor Snape at bit from behind. Should you be up here," she asked.
Sage walked back over towards the door and leaned against the wall again. He still was not sure whom he was talking to, but the voice sounded familiar.
"As no one is worried about me either getting attacked and being defenseless or of causing trouble, I pretty well roam around as pleases me. My uncle does not have a problem with it. Neither should you."
She surprisingly took a step forward as he finished talking. "You know I don't have a problem with it. It's not like you are a first year. You can take care of yourself."
Sage stifled a snort of disbelief, "I should like to think so."
She moved even closer, and he could clearly see her breaths float like smoke through the cold air. "What are you doing out here anyway?"
"Insomnia. Thinking. Whatever does one usually come up here for?" He answered sarcastically. "What are you doing out here," he asked in return.
She sighed and pulled her cloak closer, "Prefect duty. I got stuck with tonight until 1 am."
As soon as the words escaped her mouth, he figured out whom he was talking to. Amanda Macnair. Mentally he rebuked himself for not recognizing her voice. He had sat next to her and talked to her in muggle studies class for over a year now. Then again, her voice was shaking with the cold.
"You've been sick a lot lately, you probably shouldn't be out here in the cold."
"Probably not, but it suits me," he replied.
"Are you all right?" she asked. With her father, she understood certain things. She probably even knew people's Marks were getting darker.
He shrugged and focused on her outline, which was becoming more clear as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the corner of the tower.
"Not really, I admit, but I am not much to complain."
She let out an appreciative giggle for his remark and shook her head. "Do you want some company then?"
His eyebrows shot up, not as if she could see the reaction on his face. He leaned back fully against the wall, half facing away from her.
"I'm not really in the mood to talk, if you can't tell," he answered plainly.
She walked up beside him and nodded, "I figured, but perhaps it will do you some good to not feel alone while you are out ehre. I'll just sit with you." She pulled her hood down and then slid down the wall and sat on the ground with her back against it.
"I suppose I cannot object to that." He slid down the wall too and crossed his arms over his chest to keep in the warmth.
He could feel her shiver against the side of his arm.
"Would you like me to try a warming spell for you?" he asked her. The message of caution over using his magic on others had, at least, sunk in for him.
He could feel her smile. "Most boys would say something about sharing body heat."
Sage snorted, "I guess I'm not most then."
Never a truer thing spoken, actually. Mandy thought Sage quite odd in very good ways.
"Go on then," she said.
For a moment, Sage held his hand up to try, but it just did not feel right. Then, a bit reluctantly, he put one arm around her.
She leaned against him, looked up at him and grinned, "Some warming spell, Snape!" Last she knew putting your arm around someone was not an actual warming spell and he was too literal for jokes.
He sputtered for a moment, "I mean, I am…that is what I'm doing…trying to do. How I do magic is a bit different."
"It's fine, go ahead."
He shook his head, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. There was something about having one arm on each side of her that made it easier, made it work. In a few moments, a pleasant warmth did roll up them and he moved his arm from around her, sitting back against the wall. Not fully getting that maybe she rather liked it.
They sat there in silence. The only reminder of the other's presence was in their visible breaths that travelled up through the night air. Sage could feel Mandy's eyes on him, but he did not return her glances. He could not explain it, but her presence as somewhat comforting. He did not want to be asked questions. He did not want to talk about things. He just wanted to be left to his thoughts. She was content just to keep him company out in the loneliness of the night and the emptiness of his self.
He uncrossed his arms and laid his hands on his knees. He sighed heavily. He thought that the knowledge of what it was to exist was leaving him, as if he were unsure whether or not life was really real, or just an illusion. It was so easy to slip into feeling like that. He felt his stomach churn and the precursors of nausea set in. Deeply, he breathed as if to remind himself that he was still there, that he still needed air. He startled whan he felt a warm hand on his all of a sudden. His head turned to his side as fast as it would go. He narrowed his eyes at her. She just stared back at him with her hazel eyes, not bothered for a minute by his uneasy glare. He turned his head and faced front again, looking out into the black abyss. Slowly, he squeezed her hand in return, definitely reminded that he did exist.
He greeted the door to Gryffindor tower unusually relaxed and stepped through the portrait hole. There was still some chatter coming from the room, he could hear right away. He scowled, he had wanted to head straight for his room for sleep, while he still felt relaxed. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all looked up from the table where the two boys had been playing wizard's chess.
"Where did you go, Sage, we were worried about you?" Hermione asked, looking concerned.
"Astronomy Tower," he answered trying not to engage a conversation. That hope was squashed when Hermione stood up and walked over to him.
"I would have come with you, you know. You didn't have to go by yourself," she nodded meaningfully to him placing a hand on his arm expressing more care that Sage desired to receive.
"Perhaps I did not want you to come. Did you think that maybe I wanted to go by myself. I did not want to deal with talk or questions, both of which run rampant in this tower." He stated scathingly.
She furrowed her brow at him disapprovingly. Her hand released his arm. "You don't have to be a prat, I was only trying to be a friend."
"Trying a bit too hard if you ask me."
She shook her head at him, "It's not good to keep everything in like this, Sage, we can see that something is bothering you, something is wrong."
"Did it occur to you that I'll talk when and if I want to, Hermione. I'm not ready to talk about anything, with anyone. Don't push me."
"Alright." She said quietly, shrugging her shoulders and looking away slightly.
Sage exhaled and began to walk towards the stairs.
The library smelt awfully of teenagers and musty books. Sage cursed under his breath, he hated this library with a passion. He looked up from his book, Mandy suffered a slight smile for him.
"I think we picked the wrong muggle artifacts to work with," she offered with a sigh.
"I don't even know why I bother," he said in a whisper, running his hand through his hair. "Not like it matters anyway."
She cocked her head at him curiously, "What'd you say?"
He shook his head negatively, "Nothing. Um, I'm not getting anywhere with cellular phones. How are you doing with them?"
"I'm not doing with them, I'm doing without them. And I wish we could do so for this project as well," she smiled.
The corners of his mouth curved into a smile.
Sage looked up suddenly and Mandy turned around to see Hermione standing there. Mandy smiled at her.
"Hermione! Merlin, you're just in time. Can you help us with our Muggle Studies project?"
Her smile got even wider as she sat down next to Mandy, "Sure, after all Sage helps me all the time."
Sage felt strangely as both girls looked at him warmly the entire span of time they were in the library. His eyebrow went up repeatedly trying to figure out what was going on around him. His conclusion was that two girls at one time were too much.
READ IT, REVIEW IT, PLEASE!
What do you all think is going to come of this girl situation? I'd be curious to know. Also, things will begin moving fast very soon, but I found that book 4 itself started off pretty slow, while still very enchanting. ;-) I had to set the stage so to say!
Jewel Little Bird – Sorry Sage's been getting on your nerves. He does have a creep side to him and it will come out every once and awhile. Especially with Moody and Karkaroff. Someday, he'll find a balance. And yes, hopefully he will get better soon, but not before the end of this fic. J hee hee. *laughs evilly* You'll see
Sibyl – Glad you are back and are almost done with your Aps. Congrats on graduating. Going to college? Anyways, I'm glad you liked what you missed. I put in a nice line for you about Snape having inner demons, I'm wondering if you noticed it? It gave me a giggle. I'm glad you would want to comfort Sage, he does need it, whether or not he wants it. I'm glad he's coming off as an attractive character, that's what I am going for. Sorry about the girl competition in this chappie. ;-)
White Owl- Sage does need a hug doesn't he, too bad I can't just give him one. That'd be too simple! I figured someone might get away with holding his hand, so I wrote that in. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Your warning about grad school is too late. I am going to NIU for my Ph.D in Clinical Psych next year. ;-) Damn!
MCMish – I thought the line about Hermione was funny as well. Too bad no man in this fic realizes the real reason why Hermione is always staring at Sage! I don't even think she realizes! Snape did have to release some of the pressure. I think he finally realized that they were getting no where and that he should try something new. I considered having Dumbledore threaten to get a muggle psychologist for Sage if Severus didn't manage things soon. I am still toying with the idea. Never fear, however, somehow he'll find his way passed it. I've already hinted about what is finally going to bring him out of it. ;-)
Jasmin Flower – Severus calling someone's thoughts morbid did seem a little weird to me too at first, but them I realized that I don't see Snape as a character that would brood about death or even consider it too much, so I don't think that he is morbid. I think he would find Sage's problem annoying, because he has basically already dealt with a similar problem, and would find it entirely morbid to linger on it for so long.
VD – I am glad that you liked Snape in the last chapter, it is very difficult to write him having feelings while still retaining his demeanor. I think I see him as a character who is completely unaware of what he is feeling most of the time, but when he does realize it, I think he can be surprising. Does that make sense? I think he does have many feelings but denies them to others and himself. ;-) That's better. In time both of the Snapes will get more honest with each other. They are going to have to work together in the future, as soon as Sage grows up a bit and shakes his problems.