Part 11
0150 Zulu
Chalet Village
Gatlinburg, Tennessee
Mac watched as Harm was busy moving around in the kitchen. At some point – probably around the time when Mac's stomach started grumbling- Harm decided to make a late dinner. She was sitting on a stool by the breakfast bar that was adjacent to the kitchen table. "You know, you're the only one that knows the real me." She said softly. Running a finger around the rim of her glass of coke, she looked up at him and smiled. "Most guys know Mac but not Sarah. . . They'll call me Sarah, but they are really interacting with Mac."
Harm nodded and refilled her glass of coke. "So why am I so special?"
Mac stared off for a moment. "I don't know. . ." She sighed and took a sip of her soda. "You've seen my best, my worst and yet you stick around."
"Hey, you've done the same for me, Mac." He pointed out, remembering the times when she'd gone to the ends of the earth with him. And he knew that she would do it again without reservation. He'd do the same for her.
"I trust you. . ."
He smiled and reached over to take her hand. "I trust you too." After giving her hand a tight squeeze, he returned to the meal he was preparing.
Mac watched him for a while longer and then hopped off of the stool and made her way outside to the balcony, leaving the sliding glass door open. She drowned out the domestic sounds from the kitchen and concentrated on the reason why he'd brought her out there in the first place. It wasn't for them to have some overdo intimate encounter. He'd taken her away from the real world and sheltered her from the people trying to kill her.
Harm had once told her that everyone that she was with were dead or wish they were. He was right and if that was at all true, he was the next victim. She knew she never should have contacted him. She should have just run away and hidden off in some wasteland where no one knew her name. Better yet, she should have said no to all of Clay's stupid schemes. But, it was too late now. . . it was always too late.
Angry at herself, Mac brushed away the hot tears that rolled down her cheeks. The man that she cherished more than her own life, was now in danger and because of her. Not only was he in danger, but he'd let his guard down because of her. That was why he was so indifferent to her while they were in Paraguay. It wasn't that he didn't want to be with her. He was trying to protect her. Mentally, Mac cursed herself over and over. He didn't get involved with her down there because he was trying to protect her without letting his guard down. She could have gotten him killed back then as she could get him killed now. It was all her fault.
She brought a hand over her mouth to try and stop the sob that was making its way through her body. But it escaped her and shattered what was left of the façade that had chipped away since she had been threatened with torture. "Oh God." She said, her voice cracked with desperation. "Oh God!" She said loud enough that Harm could hear her.
"Mac?" Harm said, coming to her side the instant he'd heard her cry. Standing behind her, he watched as she broke down. The tears ran freely from her eyes, sobs wracked her body, yet it cleansed her mind.
"What have I done?" She said, not daring to look into the eyes of a man who's heart she'd broken because, at the time, she needed to rid herself of the things that made her weak.
'Oh no.' Harm thought, watching his Marine fall apart before his very eyes. "Sarah?" He tried to pull her back into the warmth of the cabin, but she turned away. When he tried to make her look into his eyes, Mac walked to the other end of the balcony. The answers always were in his eyes, yet she couldn't see them. Why couldn't she see them? It would have saved them so much pain. "Look at me, Mac. . . What's wrong?" She just shook her head and walked into the cabin. He followed closely behind her.
Harm reached up and tucked a hand under her chin, making her look at him. What he saw when her eyes finally met his scared him to death. It was then that he knew she was finally broken. "Sarah. . ." He said, hoping that he could save her from whatever was going on now. It surprised him when she fell into his arms. Her tears wet his shirt as he sat with her on the sofa, rocking Mac back and forth. "It's okay. . .it will be okay, I promise." He knew better than to ask questions. She would talk when she was ready to. He was relived, however, that he could at least hold her.
"I'm sorry, Harm. . ." Her sobs threatened to choke the words from her, but she needed him to hear them. "I'm sorry for everything." She took a breath and just surrendered to the sobs. "I should have listened to you when you told me not to leave. . . I should have stayed with you. . I wanted to. But I went off and I can still hear the screams and the smell of blood. . . I almost got you killed. . . and now this. . .Harm. . . I'm sorry. . . I am so sorry."
"I forgive you, Mac. . . It's okay. . . It'll be okay." Sighing, he just held her against him, rubbing his hand up and down her back. He stayed with her, until she pulled away. He saw that the demons were now gone and the strength that had left her, was slowly putting itself back together again. Deciding to put dinner aside for the moment, he made some herbal tea.
"You gonna be okay?" Harm said, placing the tea on the coffee table before joining her on the sofa.
Mac looked over at him with a half-smile. "I think I needed that." She let out a deep breath before taking the tea and sipping it. When Harm slid a hand over her shoulders, she cuddled up next to him.
"Did you talk to anyone after. . . well after what happened?" He asked, wrapping both arms around her, attempting to make her feel as safe as possible.
Mac shook her head. "I told myself that if I could. . ." Trailing off in mid sentence, she thought back for a moment and then took a deep breath. "I thought I didn't need to."
Harm nodded. "Being a Marine does not mean you have to stop being human, Mac."
"I am still ashamed, Harm. . ." She shook her head and brought her gaze down. "I hurt you. . I hurt us because I didn't get it. . . I leave a path of destruction everywhere I go and the sad part is that I am not wallowing in self-pity here. . . it's. . . self realization." Tears began to sting her eyes again and she didn't have the strength left to make them stop. "I should have died years ago. . . That car accident with Eddie. . . I should have died, it would have saved so many people."
He looked at her and brought her chin up so that he could look her in the eyes. "Then I wouldn't know what it was like to be in love."
"You love a ghost Harm, not me. . ." She said, before standing and walking over to the window. It broke hear heart just a bit more when she realized what she truly believed. He wasn't in love with Sarah MacKenzie, just the likeness of a woman from his past. She believed it to be the reason as to why he always pushed away, he couldn't distinguish one from the other.
Harm watched her for a moment and thought back to the first time they kissed. True, at that moment he was seeing a ghost but kissing Mac was completely unlike kissing Diane. Even though it was a brief kiss, there was so much more excitement in lip locking with Sarah MacKenzie than there ever was with anyone he'd ever been with. "Remember the first time we kissed."
"You were kissing her." She said, mirroring words from a past that would always haunt her.
"Started that way, but no. . . somewhere in the middle I was kissing you." He said, adding a smile she turned around to look at him.
"You really can't expect me to believe that. . .can you?"
Harm stood and made his way over to her standing as close as he dared. "You should, because it is the truth Mac. . ." When she tried to turn away, he reached out and pulled her back to him. "I love you, Mac. . . I am in love with you. . . not anyone else. . . and there will never be anyone else that makes me feel like this." When she was about to protest, he just raised a hand and waved her off. "Let me talk. . ."
Nodding, she slid back to the sofa and curled up into a ball. She looked everywhere else but his eyes.
"I know because of the hell you went through that you sometimes believe that men make you vulnerable. . and I can't blame you. . . but that was then, this is now . . . I don't want to control you, I don't want to change you. . . I just want you. . . I don't want to walk in front of you, I want to walk with you. . ."
"Why now? Why after all these years. . . why, Harm?" Mac said, this time managing to keep herself from crying.
Harm shrugged and slid next to her on the sofa. "I don't know. . . What I do know is that I am not spending another waking minute of my life without you in it." He smiled, when he saw her eyes light up. Finally, his words had gotten to her.
Mac wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. She was still feeling broken, but she knew that he would help put the pieces back together again. "Don't make a promise you can't keep."
Harm chuckled. "Haven't yet.. . . Now get your butt up, Marine. . .chow is getting cold."
Mac stood at attention and barked out an "Aye aye, sir." Then she executed a perfect about face and marched to the small table.
Harm took a deep breath and thanked the powers that be for helping him out.
After dinner, Harm and Mac sat on the sofa, several board games were piled on the floor next to them, but they chose to play Monopoly. "Great. . . this is the fifth time I land in jail." Harm said shaking his head.
"And that is a surprise?" She said, chuckling when he gave her a smirk.
"Ha. Funny. I am not the wanted fugitive."
Grabbing a pillow, Mac chucked it at his head. "You were once, remember."
"All I remember was giving you a back massage." He said suggestively, wagging his eyebrows at her.
"You are incorrigible, you know that?" Grinning, she moved the top hat piece into the Free Parking zone.
Harm sighed and took a look at his watch. "We gotta go back you know?"
Mac nodded. "Yea. . . I know."
"Admiral is going to have my ass for going UA." He nodded and stretched his legs out under the coffee table. "I'll call tomorrow from a payphone in town."
"What is going to happen to us?" She said softly. When she broke down earlier, it had occurred that they would eventually be leaving their sanctuary.
Harm looked at her and smiled. "Don't worry, my feelings aren't going to change when we get back home. . .I said I couldn't live my life without you in it and I meant it." Crawling his way around the table, he leaned into her and gave her a soft and sweet kiss.
Mac smiled at him. "Well, I would love to keep this game going, but I am exhausted." He stood up and then helped her onto her feet. "You coming?"
Harm shook his head. "No, but I'll be out here if you need me."
"Nothing funny, I promise. . . I just. . . well, I just want you to hold me." She said, reaching a hand out to him. He slid his hand into hers and allowed for her to take him into the bedroom with her.
Harm watched over Mac as she slept, contemplating what would happen when they got home. He knew there was a strong possibly that they would not stay together.