Chapter 39: Know Thyself

Know Thyself

"You are deluding yourself, Sage, if you think that this is who you really are. It is not. You are denying yourself."

"I am not naïve and good like Harry and Ron are, no matter what you want to think of me," he spat with disgust.

"For certain you are not naïve and you are also nothing like Harry and Ron, but that doesn't mean that you aren't good."

Her know-it-all tone was like someone constantly poking him in the ribs – plainly annoying. "Just stop already, you are giving me a headache."

She frowned at him deeply, "Oh yes, and it couldn't be the huge lump and gash on your head giving you the headache?"

Sage growled again, turning his head back to her to give her a dirty look.

Sage kept the foul look on his face as Hermione finished applying the salve to his head. The look was not simply because the salve smelt horribly rancid, but rather because he did not enjoy others taking care of him, or at least it made him very uncomfortable.

Perhaps this was because he was not used to it, but he was not ready to acknowledge that as an option.

Hermione had stopped asking him questions and he found the silence to be rather unbearable. His eyelid seemed to twitch everytime she touched him, especially as his discomfort increased.

"That wasn't so bad, now was it?" she asked, in a tone that Sage was sure Madame Pomfrey used all of the time.

All the answer that she got was a huff of air. Sage pulled his arms underneath him and pushed himself up off his stomach, and got up off the bed. Instead of frantically looking for his discarded shirt, he opened a drawer and pulled on a new one.

"Are you quite finished now," he asked her, giving her a trademark glare.

She gave him a fake and very forced scowl. "Yes, as a matter of fact. Not that you would bother to thank me."

"Fine then, thank you for your unsolicited and forced attendance. I shall be certain to avoid coming back injured again out of fear that you will insist upon mending me."

She rolled her eyes in frustration, "How is it that you can care for how I feel and that you will not allow me to care for how you feel?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Have I shown some excessive care lately?"

This time she scowled for real. "Oh! Pretend that you don't remember the Yule Ball, and how you talked to me about Ron being such an immature prat. You very well know that you showed care there, in fact, you were quite insistent upon making me feel better and saying some rather sweet things."

"Sweet," he said flatly, as if the word tasted badly in his mouth.

"Yes, sweet," she answered confidently. "So why do you fight so much when I try to return the favor, or show any inclination towards you of any kind – friendship or what have you?"

He turned away from her for a brief moment, hoping that she would take it as an insult and turn and walk away. He had no desire to stand there and talk about his thoughts, actions, or feelings. Hermione had a way of pushing him in that direction always. It was overwhelming.

Finally, he realized that she wasn't going away, and he turned back around.

"Not everything is reciprocal, Hermione. It was clear that you needed me and that you wanted to talk – about you. I have made it quite clear that I do not wish to talk about things pertaining to myself and yet you still wish me to do it as some strange proof of my friendship. I cannot force myself to act contrary to my nature."

She sighed, "You do not trust me or you are hiding something."

"I thought that you were above stating the obvious?"

She looked down, "So you do not trust me."

"No, I don't. It is not as if that can never change, so don't glare at me like saying this is an insult to you. It is not meant that way. I only trust one person and that's my uncle, and I've known him for many years and he is my family. I don't trust easily and you should have figured that out by now. Instead of trying to figure out what I really need from you, you have been obsessed with trying to force onto me what you think that I need from you. In fact, you have not done anything but constantly berate me. I would think that someone as smart as yourself would have figured out by my constant negative reaction, that this is not the way to be my friend or to help me – since that seems to be what you are trying to do."

She glared at him harshly, "Well how do you expect me to know all of this, Sage? You are not very easy to decipher, especially since you won't allow anyone to be around you for more than ten minutes. Why don't you simply tell me what you want from me, instead of throwing harsh and insulting words at me. Haven't you figured out that would be a better way to approach me?"

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Fine then," he stated, "It would be much better if you would simply not push me to talk about things that I do not wish to talk about. I'm not just some book that you open up and read."

"Fine, Sage, what is the right way? What am I supposed to say to you?"

"How about 'how was your day' or 'read any good books lately' or 'can you show me how to do this' or 'will you look this homework over for me' or 'how is being grounding for the rest of your life treating you'. Anything that does not involve the feelings that I very obviously do not wish to share."

"I love being so explicitly instructed on how I am supposed to be a friend to someone," she answered flatly, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

"Don't try then," he said, shrugging. "I'm used to my own company. I never had any friends before I came here, not that I really have any now."

"You don't even allow people to be near you, much less know you. You are a fine person and you could have friends if you wanted them."

"I really needed that reassurance, you know, I was very concerned over my lack of personal attachments. Truly, I would thoroughly enjoy creating more liabilities for myself and others."

"Friends aren't liabilities, Sage."

Sage exhaled in a slightly amused manner. "I'm sure that you've never thought of the fact that your association with Potter could get you killed before you are even of age. Much more likely with the idiocy at which he throws himself at danger, dragging you right along. I suppose you think that's what people do when they care. How many times has your association with him almost gotten you killed?"

Her mouth dropped open in disbelief that he would talk so casually about such things.

Before he even had a chance to react, she slapped him full across the face with enough force to make his chin hit his collar bone. She always got a rise out of him, but he always felt guilty after allowing it. The look on her face made his smugness melt right off of his skin.

"You insufferable prat. How dare you even think of such things so indifferently., much less speak them!"

He forced down his feelings of regret, reminding himself that his associations were as condemning as Potter's. It was difficult to look at her, however, because he could tell that he had touched a great nerve and had hurt her badly. He kept trying to remind himself that it was better this way, that she was better off far from him. The sooner she got over this persistent attachment to him, the better. But when she was near him, he could not help but feel her presence in an indescribable sort of way. She made him angry and presented him with a challenge all at once, but there was something else too.

He stifled his feelings once more, taking a strong, deep breath.

"So you tell me they aren't liabilities then, Hermione, since you have all the answers."

The tears started streaming down her face, and once they came they turned into a waterfall.

"Perhaps they are, but what are you without them but a string of consciousness that quickly disappears into the wind without notice or care. Do you want to go that way? Nobody feeling anything for you because you couldn't open up to them."

She was still crying. He tried to stiffen himself so that his distress over her tears wouldn't show.

He shrugged, raising a corner of his mouth in the same non-chalant manner, "I can't help being the way that I am."

"The way that you are because you won't try to be anything else, you won't allow yourself to be anything else. Oh, Merlin, why can't I keep myself from crying. It's infuriating."

Sage sat down on his bed and put a hand up to his head, rubbing his temple.

"Because you are a girl, that's why, it's what you do."

There was no end to her sobbing. Her face was turning bright red – so much that she looked as if about to burst open.

"It's not because I am a girl. I care about you, I'm worried about you. No matter how times I try to rationalize that you do not deserve it, I still care. I wish I could just turn it off like you do," she said accusingly. "It's very obvious that you care about me too, that you care about others in addition to me as well, but you just turn straight to stone if anyone tries to get closer than you wish to allow."

"I don't feel it necessary to explain my actions or the thought processes behind them," he stated mechanically.

Her body was swaying around now as she swung her finger at him.

"I don't understand why! Why you shut off! And I want to know! Because that's the reason why you- why you-." She stopped what she was saying abruptly and her tears began to fall even more frequently. "Why you-."

Then she did the strangest thing. She attacked him, flinging herself against him, by the bed, and she threw her arms around his waist, burying her head in his stomach. He sat like a statue as he was in complete shock at this strange turn. He had still been waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she never did.

"I hate this you, I hate him!" She pulled her head away and released his waist, only to begin pounding on his chest with her fists. "I hate you, damn it, how can you do this? Do you hear me? I hate you! I hate this! I hate what's happened to you!"

He grabbed her fists with his hands finally, after numbly taking the abuse.

"Get a hold of yourself, Hermione."

"A hold of myself, myself? Get a hold of yourself, you're the one who has enough of a dual personality to confuse a Shrink!" She yelled, shrilly.

"Confuse a what?"

"A Shrink. The muggles who fixed people's heads."

"Stop screeching like a barn owl, I'm right here. And I don't need fixing, Hermione."

She stood up indignantly and threw her arms up in the air.

"I'm just going to force myself not to try anymore. You can just keep yourself to yourself. This is just too hard to do. Perhaps you aren't worth it, like you keep trying to tell me."

With that she spun around, her hair flailing out behind her, and walked out his door. She slammed it behind her in her wake.

His reappearance was an interesting topic at breakfast, as he overheard people from all houses indiscreetly whispering about him. Did they really think that he could not hear them? He sat far away from the Gryffindor Trio.

Had he looked that way, he would have noticed Hermione glancing at him every once and awhile. She was, doubtless, hoping that her last words had some sort of positive effect on him and that perhaps he would apologize, or change, or anything.

No such things were on Sage's mind however. He was aggravated with the way he was assaulted by her every attempt to force him into things... Force him into things that he did not want to get into for her benefit, not his. That was where the irony was in the entire situation from his point of view.

Sage didn't look up from his toast when he heard a chorus of murmurs come from the tables; he was used to such disturbances and had found that there was usually nothing of interest to him going on. As soon as the huff of air came out of his mouth, expressing his frustration with his classmate's immature preoccupations, something landed right on top of his toast. Something alive.

He immediately sat back and his eyes rested on the headmaster's illustrious phoenix, Fawkes. He looked at the bird expectantly, waiting for it to offer him some sort of a letter. It didn't offer any, and when it didn't he glared at it wondering if it had just landed on his toast to annoy him like every other living being around recently.

His eyebrow popped up when the bird simply glared back at him, cocking its head to the side. Sage looked up to the head table to see if maybe Dumbledore was going to come and retrieve his errant and annoying pet, but the headmaster wasn't at the table.

"Well what sort of strange message is this?" he asked the bird, feeling a slight bit foolish. "Did you forget the envelope?" He said sarcastically.

The bird squawked, opening its beak at him angrily. It pecked forward towards his head menacingly, coming close to biting a bit off a chunk his nose a few times.

"Very threatening indeed. I am quite impressed."

The bird flapped its wings irately and stood up to its full height. Fawkes widened his eyes at Sage and started squawking and screeching, still flapping his wings around.

Without any warning, and too fast for Sage to react, the bird's head shot forward and clamped its beak down around one of his earrings.

"Get off me, you stupid bird, you're going to rip it straight out of my ear!"

Just as the words left his mouth, Fawkes left the ground and hovered by his head, flapping his wings and pulling at his hoop earring.

"Ow," he said involuntarily, jumping up out of his seat.

As soon as Sage stood up, Fawkes went even higher, keeping the pressure on the earring quite tight. He waved his hands at it, trying to get it to let go.

The entire hall was laughing and pointing at the strange spectacle. Sage's blood was boiling as he wondered if the headmaster would be angry if he beat the bird around a bit. Afterall, it was immortal.

After a few moments of struggle, Sage realized that the bird was dragging him towards the door by his earring.

"All right, then. I get the point. Now let go."

Fawkes screeched at him again in complete protest, as if he were saying that he was not letting go. He flew to the door, making Sage follow him by pulling on his earring. Sage muttered profanities the entire way.

Preview

Dumbledore has something that he wishes to share with Sage and he has lots to say to Sage too.

What will Dumbledore think about Sage's return? Does Dumbledore know what happened between the two Snapes? What advice does Dumbledore explicitly have for him? Will we learn anything new about Severus? Dump Dump Dummmmmm. ;-)

Shadowy Cat - I am very glad that you thought that Hermione was in character in the last chapter. I am interested to see what you think of this. ;-) I don't think it's OOC, but it is a bit unusual. I was hoping to show a different side of her, the side that's not always to put together and sure. Love sometimes makes people act strangely, especially teens who have no idea about what they are feeling or their hormones. I think that this is one area that Hermione would get really flustered about, because she doesn't know what to do, and it very rare that she feels that way. You'll see in the next chappie what Sage decides to do about going back or not.

Lady J – Great to hear that you think Hermione was in character too. I hope that you think she is in character here too, if not acting a bit confused and love-struck – although she doesn't really understand why she feels the way she does. Hence, her anger at why she's crying. Sage and Sev are very much alike, something that Dumbledore is going to point out in the next chapter, but there are a few ways that they are very different. Some of that is due to age and experience and the rest has to do with childhood stuff etc. Normal Psych stuff. Eventually, you will see a lot of Sage and Sev in action. Just stick in there. So glad you liked the duel.

VD – Hee hee, yes he's hot, but Hermione isn't very concerned over that sort of stuff, welll she is, but not as much as the other stuff. She sees his other qualities much better. Hot would be just the thing that she would overlook. Sage would never kill his uncle and I don't accidentally kill of my characters, hee does need a lot of practise though and you'll have to see what he does since Sev will not train him to do anything related to dueling. Sage has to find another way, the better way. ;-) Sage isn't a wincer, hee hee. He's not like those guys who fake being tough and then simply lose it later when the girl is there to nurture them. See, I read it all.

MCMish – Glad you are still around and enjoying the story. Life does tend to get busy L. There is never enough time for everything. Thanks for leaving a review though, I was glad to hear that I didn't lose your interest. I'm glad that you were concerned over Snape cursing him, because that's an important concern. Clearly, you read everything the way I had hoped and knew that Snape had a good reason and a good point. Plus, Sage wasn't really hurt anyway. He's almost a man now. Glad you liked the initiation stuff too because that will come back.

Bookwitch – Sage is very far from convincing Severus, and Severus is the kind of person who does not forgive and forget easily. You'll see very soon that he doesn't forget about Sage's smoking either. In fact, Sage has a lot of work to do and a lot of changing back to the way he used to be to do. Snape isn't used to him being so much work. Sage used to be a really easy nephew with very few discipline probs or even regular probs. Sev doesn't know what to do. Hopefully, you'll see a bit of that next chappie. Not that Snape would admit it. ;-) I am glad that you liked the druids and yes Sage will at some undisclosed point in time be going back there.

Carpathia – Thanks for the comment about the action. I am trying to make things speed up a lot. Much of this book has been a lot of plot and set up for things to come. I think the duel was fun too, it was fun to write. Thanks for all your nice remarks about my talent too, I'm blushing.

Leko – Sorry about the email thing, I fixed it. Glad that you are still reading and enjoying.