Chapter 41: Blending in a Trance

Blending In A Trance

In a trance, Sage had managed to find his way back up to the Gryffindor tower. The common room was completely empty, as the first classes of the day had started. He wove between the chairs to the stairs and climbed the one flight to his room.

He nearly clunked into the door as he had said his old password, from before his encounter with Hermione, and not his new password. Scowling loudly, he backed up a step and growled, "Finite Diem," his new password.

The door flung open in front of him, but he didn't seem to notice. He flung himself unceremoniously down onto his bed. The soft fleece blanket on the top touched his skin peacefully. His eyes barely had time to adjust to the darkness before he grew sick of it, of its emptiness. He made a quick flourish with his hand and instead of the candles lighting, they all went flying from where they had been sitting and crashed into walls.

"Blast!"

His hand fell back down onto the bed, and he cursed the fact that he was having such difficulty with his wandless magic. It was times like these, when he wanted nothing more than to lay on his bed, that getting up to do things was an annoyance.

Rolling over, he reached into nightstand by his bed. His hand lighted on a box, and he pulled it out with a furrow in his brow.

"What the-."

His mouth stopped halfway through the thought. Hermione. The candles. Damn it.

He had forgotten all about the candles Hermione had given him for Christmas. She had said they were scented and were supposed to help you relax and concentrate. Now that he had looked into the mirror, he was being constantly reminded of her. Her scent still lingered in the room from the night before. His blood stains were still on the fleece blanket. Her candles. It seemed endless. It was as if fate was playing a very cruel joke on him. He could simply hear fate in his mind Now that you realize that she might mean something to you, I am going to remind you of the fact that she's given up on you and has no intention on speaking to you. Then I might just twist the knife a little more…

Sighing deeply, he summoned a candle holder to him. He placed it on the nightstand next to him and then reached into the box of candles. When he pulled one out, he examined it in the near blackness of the room. The bottom of it told him that the candle was a mixture of the scents, sage and citrus.

He dropped it halfheartedly into the candle holder and muttered lumos. The wick ignited with flame immediately. Sage pulled his pillow under his head and stared at it, while laying on his side.

The smoke swirled up, the flame danced in the draft.

After what seemed like hours, he blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he was no longer in his rooms. He was laying on lush, pungent green grass that stretched out for acres. His mind raced, what had happened? His eyes darted around looking for something familiar. Suddenly it hit him hard. There was no sound, no wind, no cold, no heat. He was in his Llywen again and for the first time when he was not in Lyon Llyonyss.

He pulled his legs underneath him and crossed them, placing his elbows on his knees. He covered his head with this hands and took deep, slow breaths. Sarmach had him practice trying to enter his Llywen for hours on end when he was with him, and he had only been successful a total of two times. Now, when he was back at Hogwarts, he had entered it without even trying. How absolutely ironic. Everytime he had a failed attempt at Lyon Llyonyss, he had ended up doing some manual deed to wear him out. Sarmach apparently had believe that if you tired the mind out, it would have to be clear.

Many things were supposed to be possible in his Llywen. He was supposed to be able to control his visions better and even direct them.

Taking a deep breath, he concentrated hard. The one thing that he really wanted to know was what was going to happen at Hogwarts. It was more than what he had seen, of the underwater, that he was sure of. His drive to come back to Hogwarts had been too great for that to be it. He put his fingertips together and made the sign of eternity with his hands. His forced his breathing to be rhythmic and slow.

"You will not succeed, young Magi."

Sage jumped and placed a hand on the grass to steady himself, quickly turning his head around to face the familiar voice.

"Do I ever," Sage muttered under his breath.

Merlin chuckled and offered Sage a hand to pull him up.

"It is a difficult trial being a powerful wizard, an even more difficult one to be a Magi, but fiercely difficult to be prophecized as a martyr."

"Why do you say that I will not succeed, sir?"

"On directing your visions?" Merlin asked, as he began walking.

"Yes, sir."

"Unfortunately, you are not learned enough. You are not strong enough. Perhaps you have desire enough, though, even if it is self-interested."

"I should not have left then, master Merlin."

The man chuckled deeply, "You sound like an ovate I once had. 'Master Merlin' how long has it been since I've heard that?" He chuckled further. "Now I only hear my name used as a swear or to swear some sort of oath… 'By Merlin this, Merlin that.' It is quite amusing to see how the times change, Sage. 'Master Merlin'! You are of my line, Sage, a very great grandson I suppose. You may just call me Merlin, you will see enough of me I foresee."

"Well then, Merlin, do you think I should not have left?"

"The path of the sagacious and the path of the prudent do not always coincide. It is a very difficult decision to make when our hearts draw us one way and our minds draw us the other. Your fault, perhaps your greatest fault, is that you do not have a balance between your mind and your heart, although you could if you would allow yourself."

Sage raised an eyebrow, "That's what I have heard."

"Your mind denies your heart. It leads you to make very brash decisions. Ill informed decisions. That is my criticism, Magi, take it as you will."

Sighing deeply, Sage answered, "I will take it, sir. Difficult though it may be. My mind has seen what my heart wants and is utterly astounded. It is abundantly clear that my mind has no idea what is going on in my heart, as you say. I should not have come back."

He rubbed the back of his head, trying to get rid of his headache.

"I did not say that, Sage. It still might prove useful that you came back, but at the moment all one can see who is not a seer is that you came back for no good reason. You could have simply owled someone what you had seen in your dream, but yet you came back instead, saying that you had to be at Hogwarts when 'something' happened. I meerly ask you to remember that not everyone sees the world through the colored eyes of a seer. Even those with prescience do not see that far forward in time. To those, it sounds very childish and impulsive. Something slightly more characteristic of a cousin of yours."

Sage snorted, shaking his head slightly in amusement. Potter. Potter who plays the hero.

"Yes, that rather is it. You cannot play the hero yet, you have no power to do so. I know you do not wish to look like Harry Potter. He has his place in what is to come, but it is not the place that you occupy. He has those luxuries of being childish and impulsive, while you do not. That is what you look like to them, but as I said you know more about what is to come than they do, so it yet might prove useful that you came back. Or perhaps, you had to come back because there is something you need to witness or be a part of that will shape your future in one direction or another."

Sage nodded, "Something that will make me stronger, help me to defeat the Dark Lord?"

Merlin nodded, smiling slightly, "Perhaps."

Sage took a deep breath, letting the fresh greenery all around him enter his nostrils. It was very calming.

"It was wrong. It was wrong for now. So much has been wrong. So much wasted time."

Merlin stared at him, "Tell me about it, Magi. Alleviate the pressure on your body of these intrusive thoughts."

"All these months I have digressed. I have convinced myself that I must be something that I do not have to be. I allowed one thing to consume me, to beat me, and I allowed everything else to fade away. I should have been doing so many different things. I should not have shut myself off. I should not have ignored my heart. I should have told her. I should have trusted. I should have allowed someone to willingly share the burden with me. I should not have pushed her away so hard."

He stopped and heaved a sigh, feeling as though his stomach was about to heave as well.

"Who, Sage. Who do you mean when you say 'her'."

"A friend," he answered, "She is strong and intelligent, Merlin, and powerful. Not like any muggle born I have ever met. I have been denying that I care for her, since I read the prophecy, and I have convinced myself that it was right to do so to protect her. The mirror showed me, I felt it so strongly. I was there, older, and I was holding her, whispering to her things I have never shared with anybody. Through the mirror I felt what my heart wants. My entire body felt warm and relaxed. Surreal, it felt surreal. I simply had no idea, Merlin, no idea at all that I felt this way."

"The mind often plays tricks on us, as does the heart. In combination, however, we can feel and know what is truth and what is not. Now you know. Your sentiments were admirable. Now you may show her how admirable they were and allow her to make a decision for herself about what is right for her – a decision you should have allowed her to make a long time ago."

Sage shook his head, "It is too late, Merlin. I've become something that she no longer wants to be a part of."

Sage raised an eyebrow as Merlin began to chuckle again. He found nothing to chuckle about in his predicament.

"Youth, Sage, often makes things seem much more dramatic than they are. The answer is simply before you, in what you said. If you have become something that she no longer wants to be a part of, then you must return to or become something that she does want to be a part of."

"I suppose," Sage answered, sounding unconvinced.

"Do you love her?"

Sage looked down at the grass and muttered, "I am not sure that I even know what love is."

Merlin held Sage by his forearm and stopped walking, forcing Sage to stop with him.

"Close your eyes, Magi, close your eyes and focus deeply, as deeply as you can."

Sage obliged.

"I am going to show you something, Sage. It is not real. It is not a vision. It is not the future. Not to say that it could not happen, but neither of these things is real. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

Sage felt Merlin's fingertips touch his head on both sides, surrounding his temples. Instantaneously it felt as if power was surging through him and out of him.

"You have just apparated. The darkness surrounds you deeply, like a bag nearly suffocating you. Your eyes can barely see, but your nose can smell the metallic, sweet smell of dried blood. It can also smell burning flesh, old and new, and smoke. Your heart is beating rapidly as you search the blackness for any sign of the others. You know that without you and with suspicions aroused, your Uncle Severus is in danger, but you cannot find him. You are running fast, faster than you thought possible. Running as fast as a panther, black as the darkness…"

His mind raced as fast as his heart and as fast as his legs. There was no time, no time at all. Desperation filled him from head to toe. The grass was slippery and wet with blood. Faint screaming could be heard in the distance, in all directions. The sky was clouded with Dark Marks, as if they were rain clouds in the middle of a rain storm.

He came upon them, many of them. Without any movement separate from his frantic run, he pushed them out of his way with his mind, swiftly and sharply. Without any inclination or care about whether they were Death Eaters or not. Whether they were innocent or guilty.

As if a black wall had parted in front of him and he had suddenly gotten tunnel vision, he saw them. Just the two of them. Cackling, that high cackling of the Dark Lord's. It was as if it were slow motions, time droning on slowly, with an inevitable end that Sage could indefinitely see. There was no time to make a decision, no time for anything conscious, just plain instinct. No time to fight back, to fight Voldemort off, too kill him. The green light was flying through the air like a bullet with perfect, deadly aim. There was only one thing, one purpose, one aim. No doubts, no fear, no regrets.

His hind legs launched him up through the air, and his front paws met with his uncle's body, and he knew in the split second before it hit. He knew that he was gone, and his uncle would live. In that split second, he had before the curse passed all the way through him and killed him, he had disapparated the man back to Hogwarts. Then there was nothing.

An intense wave of fear passed over his body as he jolted back to consciousness. Merlin's blue eyes were there, looking at him, easing him. His body was warm and sweaty as if everything had really happened and then he had apparated as the curse hit him.

"Your mind knows that, Magi. That is what I refer to when I ask about love. You sacrifice something or yourself for someone else, without care what the consequences are. Do you care for her like that. Would you die for her?"

He gasped in air, before answering, "I don't know!"

"You have suffered these months, why?"

Sage suddenly fell down onto the grass, to his knees. He felt a surge inside of him, a surge like he had never felt before. He put his hands down in front of his body to steady himself.

"Don't fight it, Sage, let it come. Let it happen."

Sage's head reeled. Fear, guilt, anticipation, sympathy, concern, love, doubt, desire, dread coursed through him, flooding his mind with emotions that he knew nothing of – knew nothing of how to control.

He drew in air, feeling suddenly strange, but indescribably strange.

"Because of her. I have suffered because of her, because I did not allow her to ease the pain, because I did not allow her to get close. I wanted to protect her, and by doing that accepted what was happening to me. Then, I wanted to protect others, Potter, Weasley, everyone. Like a chain reaction, I shut myself off because it was safer for others that way. I made myself worse, I hurt myself, I endangered myself, and I made it even harder," he gasped deeply, needing air very badly.

Merlin smiled and kneeled down next to him.

"That jolting through your body, that emotion swelling in your head, you will learn to manage it better in time. Balance, Sage, your mind is now becoming aware of the existence of something else within you that drives you just as hard. Unity, you must now learn how to use them both at once. It will be difficult, very difficult at first. When you leave here, it will be manageable, but you must learn to deal with your awareness of your inner feelings gradually, or you will become just as overwhelmed as you did here. You will recognize truth and right in time. Emotions are very frightening things, Sage, in some situations it is better to place them behind you, in others you cannot do without them. Love is perhaps the most frightening of all."

Forcing himself to breath slower, Sage asked, "How will I learn to manage it, to listen to both at once, or to one more in some situations?"

Merlin placed both hands on his shoulders, "You would have learned this during your Rite of Passage, you began learning it, but there was no time for you to learn it there and no time for you to wait until you return. I have showed you. Now you must work very, very hard. You must work until your body is ready to collapse, until your body cannot handle it anymore. Your mind will slow and your heart will drive you, your will can then drive you. You will then learn how to listen to it. Then you will learn to listen to both. Everyday, Magi, everyday you must meditate and practice entering your Llywen. That is more important than I can even say." Merlin stood up and backed up.

Sage stood up as well and dusted himself off, still feeling woosey from the new entities entering his mind.

"I will, I promise, sir."

"Do not promise me, promise yourself. Promise to wizardkind. You have lost months, work so hard that you make up for that time that you have lost. Be true to yourself and true to everyone else. The second as best you can."

The Gryffindors flew to all corners of the common room, their eyes bulging with surprise and fright, as Professor Snape appeared in the entrance and strode through. With a purpose the man ignored every single one of them and headed straight to the stairs.

Sage's skin nearly ripped apart in surprise as he jolted out of his Llywen, and was greeted by yelling and a ripping pain on his scalp.

"By Merlin, I swear I will turn you out. I will not have a loaf, an ignoramus, and defiant brat for a nephew! First you return for no good reason at all, then you do nothing other than lay on your bed in your room not attending classes for three days. What in the Gods is wrong with you that you think you can just do whatever the bloody hell you want?"

Sage's hand instinctively went to where his uncle was pulling him by the hair. His mind swam trying to grab onto what was going on.

"Mirror or no blasted mirror, you are not going to play mute again. I do not care what it does to you! I will not accept this weakness, this apathy. Not anymore."

"I don't know what is going on, but you can let go of my hair, Uncle Severus, I will come with you willingly."

"Oh, I think we are well passed that, nephew. Far passed that. You have tried my patience too far. You have resisted me enough. We have had this same conversation, this same fight, too many times before. We will not have it again. I told you what would happen if my giving you time and space did not work. You have worn by patience down to naught."

Sage's face would have cracked right into his own door if his uncle hadn't blown it open in front of them with his wand. Sage heard at least twenty gasps and a few people's hearts beating through their chests as they entered the common room once again. Sage grabbed his hair close by the scalp and wrenched it free from his uncle's grip. He proceeded to stalk straight to the portrait hole before his uncle, even when the man grabbed his arm with enough force to cut off all his circulation.

When his uncle thrust him into an unused classroom in the dungeon, he knew he was in for it. Now was the time for him to act, to change. There was no turning back from here. There was no more room for childishness, no more room for being reckless with the future. He stood there on the chasm between being a child and growing up. The Sage he had been for the passed months was about to die, to never come back. The Sage of years before was about to die as well, and new Sage was about to be born. He could feel it within himself sharply, acutely. His past and his present was about to merge into what he would become.

He looked regretfully at his uncle, who was beyond incensed, their eyes locked together. "I would not blame you for it," he said simply and quietly.

Sage felt the daggers entering his skin from his uncle's eyes.

"I do not need encouragement," was Severus's snide answer. "Nor do I need your permission."

Sage shrugged slightly, "It was neither, you can read it within me as I know you are, it was acceptance, sir."

Author's Note

As This is my first completely new chapter, please send me a review. If fanfic won't let you review and sends you a funky message, you may have to sign out to review and just leave me you pen name. ;-) I'd really appreciate the feedback because I'm back on the ball. Some changes will occur in the past chapters and I'll let you know when that happens too.

Starlight – I didn't leave you waiting for too long after that change to the last chapter ;-). Sorry I left you waiting so long for new one. That was nasty of me, but I needed to get things straight first.

VD – thanks for the encouragement. I can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter.J

To the rest of you who have reviewed in the past, I hope to hear from you soon. I hope that the 2 month delay didn't make you completely lose interest in the fic. I think I would be devastated, you each give something unique in your reviews that I have grown dependent upon. ;-) In other words, I'd miss you too much. Thanks for your reviews and your support.