Chapter 48: The Many Meanings of Blood

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.

Don't know what you are expecting of me

But under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Caught in the undertow.

I've become so numb,

I can feel you there become so tight,

So much more aware, I'm becoming this.

All I want to do is be more like me

And be less like you.

Linkin Park "Numb"

The Many Meanings of Blood

Without further thought, Severus growled and ran out the door after his nephew. As soon as he turned the corner, he stopped running. He had expected to have to run fast and far to catch up to Sage, but Sage was sitting on the ground against the wall with his head between his knees. Even from twenty feet away, Severus could see his body quivering and his face turning very red. His hands were still bleeding all over the place.

Severus walked up to him slowly, knowing that when Sage was so upset, he was very dangerous with his wandless magic, even if he did not intend to be. He kneeled down next to him, but before he could even extend a hand to touch him, Sage pushed him away.

"Leave me the fuck alone."

"Listen to me, Sage-."

"Why, so you can fucking yell at me more?"

"Stop swearing."

"Fuck off, I'll bloody damn well swear if I want to."

"Fine then, but it won't make you feel any better."

He held off the lecture that was budding about Sage's mouth and attitude, because he figured that he deserved it, just this once.

"I was doing just fine before you came out after me," Sage retorted.

Severus snorted, "You don't look fine to me."

"What was your first clue? Breaking the boards and the bloody hands, the yelling, the running out the door, or the fact that my head looks like it is going to pop?"

"You do not need to be sarcastic with me to get my attention."

"I needed your attention fifteen minutes ago, but you were too overwhelmed by your Gillyweed and thinking that I would steal from you, steal! Do you really question my integrity that much?"

Severus shook his head and put his hands on Sage's shoulders, "I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Uncle, that just makes it all better."

Severus nearly blew a gasket, was Sage really parroting back what Severus had said to him earlier that year? With the exact same tone! He growled and willed himself not to get angry. Sage did not deserve that. He sighed, perhaps he should not have been so rash earlier. He had never experienced Sage being mad at him. It would have been infuriating to him if it wasn't for the fact that he was so concerned.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you, Sage. I should not have suspected you like that. I was very angry, and I'm human too. I sometimes do not think very clearly when I am angry. I'm sorry."

He squeezed Sage's shoulder.

"You aren't understanding when I am angry," he said quietly.

"Not when you take it out on me, I'm not, you are sixteen years old. I am not going to allow you to mouth off to me just because you are angry. You need to learn to control your emotions more."

"That's exactly what you just did to me."

"Life's not fair, Sage. I'm your uncle."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?"

Severus raised an eyebrow at him instead of answering.

"Because you aren't." Sage supplied, staring at him, his eyes still pink, his head flushed. His arms were even still shaking.

Severus stared back at him, wondering what he should say. He felt very badly, yes, but he was also growing irritated. He sighed. "You're shaking, do you feel a vision coming on?"

"No, I'm just upset and pissed off, thank you. And I'm all fucked up, ever since I looked into that damn mirror. I am all FUCKED up! Not that you care for any excuses. I'm feeling all these strange things. My emotions are all out of whack and they feel ten times more apparent to me and twenty times stronger."

"You can calm down now. You are taking this a little too far."

"Sorry I can't live up to your standards, that I'm not good enough for you."

Growling slightly, Severus put his hand by Sage's neck gently.

"Listen to me, Sage. Give me a break, please. I'm no good at this, and I am not saying the right things. You are plenty good enough for me. You are my nephew. You are the only person in this world I can see myself ever trusting in my entire life. You are smarter and shrewder than any student here and most adults I know. You are good enough for me, and I am pushing you because I know you can be even greater, you can do so much more. I want you to survive this. I am preparing you, toughly, I do admit but it is because I want you to have the upper hand when the time comes. I'm sorry if that means that I act in a way that hurts you sometimes. It is regretably necessary. It's just because I do not want to make any mistakes with you that will cost you your life, like I did with your father. That half-human thing isn't taking anything else away from me if I have anything to say or do about it. You are all I have left, do you understand now? I'm very sorry for attacking you like that for something you did not do and would not do."

Sage furiously blinked his eyes, looking straight at the wall in front of him and not at Severus, trying to stop the tears. He felt so stupidly emotional, and it was not like him, and it made him very uncomfortable.

Severus finally saw a few tears get by and fall down his cheeks. After all these months, he realized that he had no idea how everything he was doing was affecting his nephew, and he felt badly for losing sight of things. Perhaps if he had been more perceptive and more inviting, things would have changed faster or would have been different.

"Yes, I understand now, Uncle," he said quietly, getting passed the lump in his throat. "I don't want anything to happen to you either."

The man sighed, feeling immensely better. He moved closer and put his arm around Sage.

"I also never said that I did not want you to have friends. I told you that I would not want you to avoid attachments. I want you to be happy, Sage. I just cautioned you that there might be a time when you have to leave them, because they could be used against you. The Dark Lord could manipulate you using them. That is all. But you are at Hogwarts now and the Dark Lord is not even back yet, so there is little to worry about in the immediate future. You have time to enjoy. Simply choose your friends wisely and be stingy with your trust. I do not want you to be completely like me, Sage. I want you to learn from my mistakes and benefit from my knowledge, have all my necessary traits and none of my less desireable traits."

"I think I tried to convince myself that that's what you wanted, because it was simply easier for me to not worry about any of that and not worry about friends trying to pry or ask questions. I fooled myself, sir. I'm glad that you aren't telling me not to have any attachments, because I know I cannot deal with this alone. I already tried that."

The Professor patted him on the shoulder.

"I would not want you to have to do anything alone…"

Sage sighed, closing his eyes slightly.

When Sage looked at Severus again with his wide, blue eyes, the man felt nearly assaulted by all the questions, pain, and uncertainty he felt from them. Sage had kept his mind so shut that Severus had never even noticed before, and he hadn't been primed much to look hard into his nephew and see what Sage was hiding. He had been blinded in a way.

"Uncle, how did you do it?"

His eyebrow arched, "Do what?"

"Go to Him for all those years as a spy and know that you could die any day."

It was Severus's turn to close his eyes. The tightness in his chest was growing unbearable. It twisted for release so hard that the man was having trouble breathing.

"I thought about your father, I did it for him, because I should have done something to prevent his death. He would have wanted me to leave Them, so I did. The only thing that I could do for Jace was try to prevent what happened to us, from happening to anyone else. But I would be lying if I did not say that it was revenge, revenge against Him for killing your father, for killing everyone that ever meant a damn. Sometimes emotions are very powerful, very driving, they are good to have and recognize, but not good to show most of the time."

"Where you ever-."

"Afraid?"

Sage nodded.

"Yes, of course. It was very hard, very tense. There were many times where I thought I would not make it passed the night. You will find that there are certain things that make you stronger. I suppose that is what the headmaster meant when he said finding 'purpose'."

"I think I know what you mean."

"Come on now, let us go put something on those hands. Then you can tell me what upset you so much that you felt the need to get revenge on a piece of wood."

Sage sputtered slightly, shaking his head. It sounded so stupid and juvenile when his uncle put it that way.

"You will roll your eyes at me, sir. I'm sure you will think that it was stupid to get upset over what I got upset about."

"If it upset you, it isn't stupid. However, I won't promise not to roll my eyes."

"Oh, it was stupid, all right, sir. Even I think it was stupid. Now I do at least."

Sage sat cross-legged on the leather couch as Severus rubbed ample amounts of healing salve on Sage's puffed up, split open knuckles. There were points on the boy's hands where Severus was sure he could see bone. It could have been worse, and Severus had seen worse things. They would be sore and swollen for a few days even so.

"Now, care to tell me why you beat your hands to a bloody pulp?"

"I feel so stupid." Sage said, closing his eyes as if he wanted to open them and have it all go away.

Severus snorted, "Just spit it out. I deserve to know what caused this, as I'm cleaning up the aftermath."

"It was over a girl." He's never going to let me here the end of this…

"A girl?" He asked, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. As if Severus did not know what that particular feeling was. Perhaps I should have attributed half his erratic behavior to awakening testosterone?

"I kind of, well-. Merlin… I-." I can't DO this…

"Like a certain girl?" Severus finished for him. This is almost like torture to him…

"Yes,well, obviously. I just saw her talking to another guy, and I just snapped. I don't know. It really hurt." He's going to roll his eyes now and tell me to concentrate on more worthwhile things than girls

"And who is this girl?" It is obviously not the girl he was with the last he was at school. Poor Miss Macnair…He scoffed to himself at his own lamenting sarcasm.

Sage sighed, "Hermione," he answered quietly, squeezing his eyes together waiting for his uncle to blow up. Here it comes…

"Miss Granger! I thought you found her annoying?" He clearly said this distastefully. He couldn't have picked a Slytherin! And not a pureblood to top it off! I suppose I didn't either…

"So did I, sir, but I guess I was just trying to fool myself. I mean, I did kiss her last year." I want that back again…

"Don't remind me," Severus said, closing his eyes. Granger, of all the girls.

"She is a bit pushy sometimes, but she really is great. I really realized how I felt about her when I looked in the mirror." He shivered at the memory.

"You saw her in the mirror." Gods…At least she is highly intelligent and growing into being a good looking girl. I suppose I shall have to be nicer to her from now on… Merlin…

"Saw would be an know how the mirror effects me."

Severus's eyes got very wide, his eyebrows both arching, "I do not believe I want to know any more details than that." Merlin, no details boy, not details!

"But I really screwed it up, sir. By the time I realized I liked her, she gave up on me. She was trying to be there for me, trying to be a friend, and I was such a prat to her for so long that she just gave up." She stuck through me being a git for so long, why couldn't she have waited a while longer.

Severus eyed him knowingly, "Relationships are sometimes difficult." I do hope she comes to her senses soon if she really does like him, because she'll likely be good for him, or an immense distraction.

"But it's Krum! Of all people. He's an ugly git, and he is less intelligent than that wood I was hitting. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm damn lot better than Krum." Bloody dolt!

"I'm not going to disagree with you." He does not realize that he is good looking. I suppose he also does not realize that he has the attention of more than one girl, Miss Brown on that list as well.

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