November 1895
Nessa stared at the schedule on the cafeteria table in front of her.
It had been at the bottom of her bag all semester. The paper was now so crumpled that it was ready to fall apart, but she could still read it.
There were notes here and there. Notes on what streets were too steep or bumpy to maneuver her chair easily. Comments on what book was required or what to bring with her.
And of course, there were the classes.
Ancient Ozian Philosophy… Introduction to Logic… Ozian History…. Linguification and the Law…
They had once seemed so exciting. The classes, the learning, the topics… Now, they were just words on a paper.
"So, I need to know," a voice said suddenly, slapping their tray down across from her. "When is the next time father is coming in town so I know to avoid you?"
Nessa looked up in time to see her older sister take a seat in front of her and begin digging into her mashed potatoes.
"I, uh… What?"
"When is father coming in next?" Elphaba repeated.
"Oh. Uh…" Nessa paused, thinking. "He will not be. We will not see him until the holiday break at Lurlinemas."
"Well… I guess that's good then," Elphaba said, taken aback. "So, I don't have to avoid you for any period of time."
Nessa nodded and, as surreptitiously as possible, swept the schedule off of the table and onto her lap. She pulled her lunch closer and began to eat as if she had been doing so all along.
"Something's wrong with you."
Nessa froze, a forkful of vegetables hovering halfway to her open mouth.
"What are you talking about?" Nessa asked, feigning interest as she lowered her fork.
"Something's… different," Elphaba said, narrowing her eyes.
She considered Nessa closely for a moment before her eyes grew wide in realization.
"Your hair," Elphaba said, her voice an a surprised whisper. "You… You aren't wearing a headband."
Unconsciously, Nessa's hands moved to adjust her headband, but instead found none. As most of her hair still cascaded down her back, she had forgotten it had been replaced by two braids that wrapped around the sides of her head and met behind her head.
"Oh, yes," she said slowly. She lowered her hands. "Just something different."
"Why? Something wrong with headbands?" Elphaba asked as she resumed eating her lunch.
"No, no," Nessa replied, shaking her head. "I just... decided I wanted a change is all."
Elphaba opened her mouth to respond, but seemed to reconsider it. Instead, she just shrugged and switched topics of conversation.
What she chose to switch the topic to, Nessa didn't know, as the discussion of her headband (or lack thereof) had immediately brought back a memory that had resurfaced just a few days before.
"Now, my darling girl," Frex cooed as he stood behind Nessa's chair and observed them both in the mirror. "How would you like your hair done today? Down over your shoulders? Or perhaps with this lovely headband I bought for you from a shop in town. It is lovely, don't you think?"
Frex pulled a knitted headband from a pocket in his jacket and showed it to Nessa, who could not be older than six or seven.
"Braid it!" Nessa replied excitedly. "I want you to braid it nice like Fabala's hair. Or down my back like the girls in town!"
Frex inhaled, his smile fading into a frown. His eyes, the eyes that had just been so soft and adoring, were now dark.
Nessa looked at his reflection in the mirror. She saw the change and where his eyes had turned dark, her eyes turned fearful.
"Or… or I could wear the headband, Daddy," young Nessa said in a small voice.
The look in his eyes changed to adoration once more.
"Wonderful decision, my dear," he said lovingly as he began to put the headband on her. "You always make such wonderful decisions. Now, what do you think? Isn't it lovely?"
Nessa stared into the mirror, trying to focus her thoughts onto the headband now securely on her head, but she couldn't keep her mind on it.
It was far too tight, pulled at the small hairs near her ears and the back of her neck. The small, sharp pains reminded Nessa of the times her leg braces had pinched at her when they shifted out of place or got too small.
"It hurts," Nessa said. "I don't like it. I want to take it off."
"Oh, but my darling girl," Frex said in a soft voice. "It looks so nice on you. And I spent so much time picking it out just for you. It would make daddy so happy if you wore it. And that is what you want, isn't it? To make daddy happy?"
Nessa felt her face contort into a grimace as the hairpiece pulled at her skin. But still she nodded.
"Yes, daddy. I want to make you happy."
Nessa jerked back to the present so hard that she felt her body actually jerk as she inhaled deeply.
That line, that last line… she hadn't remembered that before. Where she agreed with him. She had recalled complying, consenting to the headband over her own choice of hairstyle, but she hadn't remembered agreeing with him.
Agreeing to make him happy.
"Nessa? Nessa?"
Nessa blinked.
"...Mmm-hmm?"
"Are you listening to me?" Elphaba asked, her brow raised though she already knew the answer. "Look, I know I'm not exactly your favorite person in the world, but you usually pay a little bit more attention when I'm sitting right here talking to you."
Nessa blinked again and then frowned.
"Who said you weren't my favorite person in the world?"
Elphaba stared at her, confused.
"You did. On dozens of occasions."
"I was lying," Nessa said automatically. "You are, hands down, my favorite person in the world. Why would I have said you weren't? No. I know why I said that."
Nessa shook her head.
"I'm sorry. Very sorry. For every time I said that and more for every time you believed it."
Elphaba's mouth hung open, the look on her face one of confused awe. Nessa waited to for a response and what she got was the back of Elphaba's hand on her forehead.
"What are you-" Nessa spluttered as she pulled her head away from Elphaba's hand.
"Are you running a fever?" Elphaba asked in all seriousness. "Are you feeling okay? You're talking nonsense."
"I'm - not -talking- nonsense," Nessa said, finally pushing Elphaba's hand away enough to make the older sister pull it back. "I'm just… apologizing. I'm sorry."
"But why?" Elphaba said, pushing back in a way unexpected by Nessa. "Why are you apologizing? What's wrong with you?"
"I've been…" Nessa dropped her voice. "Thinking."
"Thinking?" Elphaba repeated slowly.
"Yes, thinking," Nessa confirmed. "Thinking and processing and… remembering."
"Remembering what?"
Nessa looked around. Elphaba repeated the gesture, though she didn't know why.
"Come… Would you be able to come to my room tonight?" Nessa asked quietly. "After class maybe?"
"Uh… well, yes," Elphaba said, nodding. "Maybe after dinner though. I can get really, uh, upset if I get too hungry."
Thanks to a surprise visit from Doctor Dillamond, Elphaba had not been able to have dinner like she had hoped and found herself entering Nessa's room in much more of a furor than she normally would.
Just her luck then that dinner was there waiting for her.
"How did you-" Elphaba began before cutting herself off with a large bite of ham and potatoes.
"I can have dinner served in my room," Nessa explained.
Elphaba seemed impressed and continued digging into her dinner. Nessa, however, barely touched the plate in front of her.
"Do you do this often?" Elphaba asked curiously between bites.
"No," Nessa replied, shaking her head. "Only if I'm exceptionally tired or not feeling well. Usually, it's just me eating and it gets a little… lonely…"
Nessa's words faded by the time she finished the sentence, but Elphaba knew exactly what she meant.
Before long, Elphaba had eaten her fill and turned her attention to her sister.
It still struck her odd how different she looked with her hair braided instead of held back by a headband. Though effectively her hair was pulled back the same amount, it seemed like she was looking at Nessa from a different angle.
"So," Elphaba began, sitting up to signify her attention. "What is this 'thinking' you've been doing?"
Nessa closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she leaned forward in her chair and grasped one of Elphaba's hands in hers. It closed the gap between them considerably.
"I am very sorry," Nessa whispered. "I am so, so sorry. And I know that words aren't enough to properly apologize and make it all up to you, but I still have to say them. I'm sorry, Elphaba. I am so sorry for all the pain or hurt I have ever caused you."
Elphaba felt Nessa squeeze her hand, like she was trying to send her message through touch as much as she did through words.
"Nessa, are you sick? Are you dying?" Elphaba asked again.
"No. I'm just… Elphaba, I've realized recently that I'm not… That I've been…"
Nessa paused to get her words straight. Tears had started to gather at the corner of her eyes.
"I recently realized that if I didn't address and change some of the things I was doing, the ways I was acting, then I was going to turn into someone I didn't like. And part of this whole thing has been making amends. And I wanted- no, I needed to apologize to you because you are the one person I think I've caused the most harm."
"What do you mean 'caused the most harm'?" Elphaba said, releasing Nessa's hand as she did so. "You've never tried to hurt-"
"No, I never tried to hurt you. Or at least I don't think I did… It's all… Everything is sort of mixed up," Nessa said, putting her hand on her temple. "I'm thinking… trying to remember and get a clearer picture of things…"
"But what are you remembering? What have you remembered that you think hurt me?"
"A better question would be what am I not remembering, because... Oh, Elphaba, I never really realized how much I did… How much his words had influenced me."
Elphaba stopped at the sudden use of the pronoun.
"Nessa, you can't actually be saying that it took you until now to figure out how much father had, as you say, 'influenced' you, right?" Elphaba said, her tone far more accusatory than before. "Because I know you're not stupid, but if you really hadn't considered that-"
"I have considered it," Nessa interrupted. "I have. I promise. But, but… it took me until now to truly realize how much it messed with- how much it messed me up. And because of that how I treated you and everyone else. And I'm just now trying to untangle all of that, yes, but it doesn't mean that I haven't considered it before."
"He didn't 'mess you up'," Elphaba snapped, her emotion and volume rising. "You have always been perfectly content to do whatever he wanted you to do, to say whatever he wanted you to say. You weren't 'messed up'."
"But I think I was," Nessa said quickly, her tone far more pleading than it had been. "I mean… I was a child. Where would I have learned that stuff anyways? I was repeating, parroting what he said, yes, but I think there was more to it than that. I think part of me was scared of what would happen if I didn-"
"Oh, shut up, Nessa," Elphaba said sharply. "You've never feared him. You've never been scared of him. He gave you everything you could have ever wanted and now you have the audacity to say you said and did everything he wanted you to because you were scared? No. You're just looking for an excuse and, as usual, you're blaming it on someone else."
Elphaba rose, her mind set on the door, on an exit so fast that she knew Nessa couldn't pursue her. But before she could take even a step, Nessa had grabbed one of her hands again.
"I know I didn't- that I didn't have the same experience as you," Nessa cried, tears now streaming down her face. "I'm not saying I did. I just… I think he hurt me too. Differently, but still hurt. And I'm trying to change and get rid of all of that and that's why I wanted to apologize, I swear. I'm so sorry."
"I'm not upset that you're trying to change. Go on and do it. Be better," Elphaba said, shaking Nessa from her grasp. "But don't pretend that all of the bad stuff was just from him. Don't pretend you're his victim when you've always been the complete opposite."
Elphaba turned on her heel and left the room before Nessa could even try and call after her once more.
Nessa stared after the closed door at the exact place where she had been just a few seconds ago.
She had expected Elphaba to be so much more understanding. That of all people, she would understand being hurt by their father. That maybe she would agree and help acknowledge the reality of all that she was feeling.
All this time, Nessa had unconsciously banked on Elphaba being the one person who could help her do all the processing and untangling and figuring out that this was going to take.
But now she was alone once more, abandoned by the one person that she was sure was going to help her.
Nessa looked from the spot Elphaba had been to the journal on her bedside table.
She picked it up and turned it over in her hand, relishing the smooth leather of the cover beneath her fingertips.
Not three weeks again, it had been just another pretty thing on her pretty shelf. But as she started to think more and more, to piece together the puzzle, it had quickly filled up with memories and thoughts.
Nessa ran her fingers over the embossed words on the back cover: Made by hand in Colwen Grounds, Munchkinland.
She opened the back cover and found the note inside. It was a couple years old now and unrelated to the writing inside, but the thought of taking it out was unheard of.
Happy birthday, my dearest sister.
May this journal be an object for solace and reflection.
Love, Elphaba.
A wave of hot anger rushed through her.
Nessa shoved the note back into the back cover of the journal and tossed it and the note into the nearby trash can.
Immediately, she was overwhelmed by guilt and sadness and tried to fetch it out of the bottom.
But it was no use. She couldn't reach far enough down without fear of falling and she couldn't get a good grip on the can to pick the whole thing up. She'd just have to ask Ralf or Madame Morrible for help.
How hypocritical the note was, Nessa thought. She had used it as the exact thing Elphaba had wished for her: An object of solace and reflection.
But was that reflection just the thoughts of a spoiled child facing the consequences of her behavior as an adult? Or was it actually a reflection on a troubled childhood full of manipulation and control?
Or was it both?
Could it be both? Nessa wasn't quite sure. That was becoming more and more common these days and had ceased bothering her.
What did bother her was the one thing she thought she had been sure of: Her favorite person in the world and the only person who had shared in her childhood and life under her father was not going to help her figure all this out.