November into December 1895
By the time Nessa made it over the threshold into the library, she was absolutely drenched with rain.
It hadn't taken long into the deluge to consider turning back. The library was, after all, both far away and up a hill. It would have been easier to turn back and wait for someone to accompany her.
But she needed to keep going. Not just because she didn't know the next time Elphaba would be available (or willing) to accompany her, but because she needed to study. Final exams were looming and, regardless of whether or not Nessa wanted to continue studying what she was, she still wanted good grades.
She wrung her hair out over a small carpet just inside the library door before making her way forward towards the library desk.
The desk was so tall that Nessa could barely reach the little bell to ring for assistance.
"Ex- Excuse me?" She said, straining to see over the top and get someone's attention. "Hello?"
"Behind you," a familiar voice said.
Nessa turned to see Boq standing behind her. He wore a silver pin on his lapel which she recognized as his worker's badge for the Three Queens library. His face was much softer than the last time she had seen him.
"Oh, hello, Boq," Nessa greeted with a small smile. "Please excuse me dripping all over the floor."
"You're hardly the first to do so today," Boq assured, returning her small smile. "May I help you?"
"Uh… yes, please," Nessa said as she reached for her bag behind her chair. "Let me just… get out the … title and all that."
It took her a moment to grab it as both it and her hands were still incredibly wet. But finally she got it and carefully pulled a small piece of paper out of her journal.
"I… uh, well, I was able to look it up the other day but I didn't have time to flag anyone down to help me," she explained as Boq took the paper from her. "It's quite narrow in the stacks, I'm afraid. I- I can't really, you know, get back there."
Boq said nothing as his eyes scanned the paper she had given him. But then he clicked his heels together and inclined his head before turning on his heel and disappearing into the stacks.
Nessa considered whether she should wait for him to return, but the door to the library soon opened and she could hear the many footsteps of students coming inside.
She turned and made her way to a nearby empty table. She pulled a chair out and pushed it to an open spot at the end.
As she reached for her bag once again, Nessa considered her momentary hesitation in telling Boq she had difficulty getting the book.
The fact that she used a wheelchair was simply a fact of life. It always had been and always would be. But before her 'grand revelation' as she tried to consider it (as opposed to the other possible name of 'utterly terrible mistake that was making everything difficult'), it had been a tool of manipulation. Something for others to feel guilty and to take pity on. And somewhere along the line, it just became part of her internal narrative.
That had been one of the first things she realized as she started her process of figuring out what she needed to process and unlearn. And given how much of her journal seemed dedicated to that topic in particular, she had considered more than once to give it its own journal when she ran out of room in this one.
"Is this the correct book?" she heard Boq's voice ask as the book in question was set in front of her.
"The Ancient Ozian Philosophers and Why They Were Wrong by Godric Oslyn," Nessa read aloud from the golden embossed words on the cover. "Yes, this is it. My professor recommended it to us. He said that it does the best job of explaining the philosophies as well as the critiques of them. I'm glad it's still here. I was… well, I was a little worried I'd be too late."
"I see," Boq said. "Well, in the future, should you need us to hold a specific book for you, just let the desk know. It's a new feature we have. We'll get books off the shelf and hold them for a few days for you. And if the book isn't in, we can put your name on a list and make sure to set it aside for you when it's returned."
"That is a wonderful idea," Nessa smiled. "I will be sure to take advantage of that in the future."
"Please do. Now, I do apologize, but I must return to work. May I check the book out for you? Or do you wish to peruse it first?"
Nessa's smile faded for the briefest of moments and when it returned, Boq thought it seemed a touch sadder. He hated to think that she might actually have feelings for him, feelings that may be sparked again.
"I think I'll read through it for a while," Nessa stated, her attention shifting to the book in her hands. "To see if I want to check it out."
She looked up at him again.
Boq had seen her gaze up at him before, always longingly. It always made his heart clench uncomfortably and when they had been "dating," it only made him resent her more.
But this time, her gaze looked… tired. Old. Like she had aged several years since the last time they had spoken a month and a half ago.
"Thank you, Boq. I really appreciate your help," she said before adding, "And I'm glad to see you're doing well."
Nessa paused for a moment like she was trying to figure out what to say next, but instead she just smiled again and turned the book over in her hands.
Boq left in the direction of the library desk and it took all of Nessa's will not to look up after him.
He would think she had feelings for him, she was sure. That she was doing the same old longing, wistful thing she had done when they were together. But that wasn't it at all. She was just so damn lonely.
It felt so good to talk to another person about something other than… well, just something at all.
Elphaba hadn't spoken to her since the night Nessa had tried to confide in her about the realizations she had been having about their father. The tears that poured out of her after her sister's abrupt exit were doubled as she realized that, without Elphaba, she had no one to talk to about what she was feeling.
Boq was gone and happy to have her out of his life. Elphaba wouldn't speak to her. Who else did she have?
The problem was she knew who she had. But she couldn't talk to him. He was the source of all these problems, wasn't he? He couldn't help her. He would never understand, and worse, it would upset him. Terribly.
Her father was, like her loneliness, a looming presence in her life.
Every day she crossed off her calendar, she was getting closer to having to see him, to be back in that huge, lonesome house. The one haunted by the ghost of her mother and the cries of the baby born that marked the day of her death, if only to her father.
Before Nessa could blink, it was the final days of exams.
The wind that whistled through the streets and alleys of Shiz had grown much colder than before, which had seemed impossible to nearly everyone.
Shiz students were hardly distinguishable from each other, all of them in their striped uniforms, bundled up against the cold.
Except, of course, the Thropp sisters.
"Oh, Elphie," Galinda squealed as Elphaba loaded hers and Nessa's suitcases up on top of the carriage. "Do you have to go? Can't you come to the Vinkus with me and Fiyero for Lurlinemas?"
"I told you, Glin," Elphaba grunted as she pulled the rope securely over the top of the suitcases. "It's important to my father that we're home for the holidays. Between Nessa's birthday and Lurlinemas, it's… well, let's just say it's a time for family."
Elphaba said all this without once looking at Nessa, who sat in her chair nearby the carriage, just outside the small group Galinda had gathered to mourn her two weeks without Elphaba.
"Finnnnnne," Galinda moaned. "I will miss you so much. I'm simply devastrated."
To prove her point, Galinda shoved her face into Fiyero's shoulder and began to let out loud, fake sobs.
Elphaba caught Fiyero's eye and raised her eyebrows. He did the same before they both simultaneously rolled their eyes.
"What a touching display of grief," Elphaba remarked flatly.
She placed a gentle hand on Galinda's shoulder, causing the petite blonde woman to immediately turn and shove her face into Elphaba's shoulder.
"Oh, for Oz sake," Elphaba said, trying not to chuckle as she pushed Galinda off of her. "It's only two weeks. We'll be back for the start of the new year. I'm sure you'll survive until then."
Galinda tried to argue, but Fiyero saved the day. After a quick hug for Elphaba, he managed to drag Galinda away (kicking and screaming). Soon Boq, Avaric, and some other onlookers followed suit, leaving Elphaba and Nessa alone.
"Are we finally ready, Miss Thropp?" the driver called out once she noticed the others had left.
Both Nessa and Elphaba opened their mouths to reply, but Nessa stopped herself.
"One moment, Luca," Elphaba called back.
Luca huffed as Elphaba turned and looked at Nessa for the first time since the younger sister had arrived.
"Are you ready?" Elphaba asked in a quiet voice devoid of any emotion.
"Yes. I think I am," Nessa said, casting a final glance over the carriage before nodding.
"I mean are you ready for me to pick you up?" Elphaba clarified, her jaw clenching.
"Oh, yes. That too."
Nessa tucked her journal into her coat pocket and put her arms around Elphaba's neck.
Elphaba groaned slightly as she lifted Nessa into the carriage and placed her on the seat.
Before Nessa could say anything, Elphaba hopped down from the carriage again to secure Nessa's chair to the carriage. The moment it was quickly tightened down, Elphaba climbed back in and slapped the roof of the carriage.
There was the sound of reins snapping and the carriage lurched forward.
"Thank you," Nessa said before she lost the chance to. "For helping me in. And for helping with my chair. I really appreciate it."
"Mmm-hmm."
Without another word, Elphaba disappeared behind a newspaper.
Nessa considered pulling out her journal, but hesitated.
They had nearly an hour and half together in the small carriage. If she started reading through it or writing down her thoughts now, she could easily become lost in it and lose the time they had together.
"How have you-" Nessa began quietly before pedering off at Elphaba's lack of response.
She waited a few more minutes before trying again.
"Miss Galinda seemed very upset that you were leaving. I'm glad you've found such a good friend in her. Even if she is a little… dramatic."
"I rather like Miss Galinda's dramatics, thank you very much," Elphaba snapped from behind her newspaper.
"I didn't mean…"
Nessa sighed and adjusted herself into a more comfortable position on the bench seat.
Without warning, the top half of the newspaper folded over, leaving Elphaba face to face with a very cross Elphaba.
"I sincerely hope that you don't expect me to have changed my mind since the last time we spoke. And certainly not to have forgiven you for it."
"I don't. No," Nessa said, shaking her head. "I understand why-"
"No, you don't," Elphaba interrupted. "You really don't. That's the whole point. You don't understand what you're saying and what it means."
Elphaba closed the newspaper and sat forward to make direct eye contact with Nessa.
"You've listened to him for years and years and years. Years and years of listening to his lies. You said what he said. You did what he did. You've hurt me just as much as he did. So, listen to me when I say you don't just get to start blaming it on him and pretending you're off scott free. Do you understand me?"
"I do. And Elphaba, I'm sorry. I am really, really sorry. I know that I've hurt you and I want to make it up to you. But… but I don't know how to do that. So, all I can say is 'I'm sorry'."
Nessa inhaled deeply, but said no more. Elphaba frowned.
"What? No 'I really am'?"
Nessa raised an eyebrow.
"Would it make a difference?"
"No."
Nessa inclined her head slightly, her brows raised, as if to say 'There you go'.
Silence fell again between the sisters, but Elphaba did not reopen her newspaper.
Instead, she just watched Nessa stare out the window through narrowed eyes.
"Are you going to cry?" Elphaba asked bitterly.
Nessa looked confused, evidently caught off guard by the question.
"No. Why would I do that?"
"Because this is usually the part where you cry so I'll feel guilty and comfort you so in the end, you still get your way."
Nessa heaved a sigh and ran her hands over her face.
"I'm not going to do that because that is manipulative and I'm really working hard on not being manipulative," Nessa stated, her voice almost weary. "I know that I've hurt you in the past. I know that I said and did things that I can never make up for, but I really am trying to not do the same things in the future. I swear. I really am sorry, Elphaba. For everything.
"And I know that all this sounds like an excuse, but I swear it's not supposed to be. I did make choices to do things and say things even though I knew that it was manipulating other people. But… but there is a difference. There is a distinct difference between me choosing to manipulate people and him manipulating me to manipulate other people and you.
"When I say that it was him messing me up, it's because there is no other explanation for it. Where else could I have learned to be like that if not from him? It was just the three of us. It has always just been the three of us. And I know I didn't learn all this from you."
Nessa ran her hands over her face once more. She knew the words needed to come out, to finally have this conversation with Elphaba, but it didn't make it any less difficult or her any less tired.
"When I first told you about this, it was thinking and processing and remembering. Putting what was disconnected back together. But now it's unlearning. Unlearning everything I was ever taught. And it is absolutely terrible. It's the right thing to do and I'm not going to stop me doing it, but it has been hell on Oz.
"It is ingrained in me. It has affected everything I've ever done. And I can't change what I've done in the past. But I can change the future and I can make sure I don't hurt you again. I can be better from here on out."
When Nessa had finished, Elphaba crossed her arms and turned to look out the window.
The rolling hills and farmland that signaled their entry into Munchkinland were familiar, but not in a good way. Elphaba had grown accustomed to the brick buildings and cobblestone streets of Shiz. They signified love and warmth. The hills and farms of home only signified hurt and heartache.
"I really missed you," Nessa said in a small voice.
Elphaba looked back to her.
This time Nessa would not look at her. She stared up at the roof of the ceiling, and though there were tears in her eyes, something told Elphaba that these ones she could not control.
"I took you for granted," she continued. "You have always done so much for me and I never have thanked you for it. I've never thanked anyone for anything.
"These past few months have been the worst I've ever endured. And I know you've endured worse, I know, and I'm not taking away from that, but, for me, these have been the worst."
Nessa rubbed the bridge of her nose, her eyes squeezed shut. When she opened them, Elphaba could see her pleading through them.
"Without you, or Boq, or father… It really struck me how I don't have anyone else. All of this has been alone. And that's why when you helped me up today, I said I really appreciate it because I do. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. And I've never said it.
"I miss you. I miss you so much and I am so, so sorry. I want to make it up to you. Tell- I mean… Please tell me how to do that."
Elphaba said nothing. Instead, she turned back to the window.
But she was still watching Nessa out of the corner of her eye.
The younger sister had closed her eyes again. Her shoulders relaxed as she took slow, deep breaths.
"Are… are you praying?"
"No. I'm just breathing," Nessa replied without opening her eyes. "Why would I pray? I don't really… do that."
"That's what I was going to say. And I was going to ask where you picked it up, since we're not exactly the most religious people ever," Elphaba said, smoothing out the paper on her lap. "It's not like they call father 'Frexspar the Godly' or something."
She shook her head slightly at the thought.
"Who would I even pray to?" Nessa thought aloud.
She opened her eyes, but her brow remained furrowed.
"Up to you," Elphaba answered with a small shrug. "The Unnamed God? Lurline? You could even join the Pleasure Faithers. I'm not sure what it is they worship but you could try it."
Nessa returned the small shrug, but the thought held on the rest of their trip to the Governor's Mansion.
If she believed in some kind of deity or some greater power, what would she believe? What would she want to believe? What would give her the most… comfort? Inspiration? Faith?
And what would she pray for?
Before, she may have prayed for healing, to be able to walk. She knew better than to wish for it, and had accepted that it was just how it was a long time ago. But the idea of praying for it sounded too much like her father.
It was his wish, not hers. And it was only his words that had even made her yearn for it the way she used to.
No, that's not what she would pray for. Perhaps she'd pray for more ramps into buildings and easier access into the buildings once inside, but not to change that part of her.
Because that's what it was- a part of her. Not good nor bad. Just… a part.
"Whoa there!" both sisters heard the driver shout.
Almost immediately, the horses pulling the carriage began to slow and automatically, both sisters looked out the window.
Sure enough, the Governor's Mansion loomed large and dark in front of them.
Elphaba jumped down from the carriage and began unloading Nessa's chair as well as the luggage. Once everything was down, she returned to the carriage to help Nessa.
"Whatever you do," Elphaba muttered as she placed Nessa into her chair. "Do not mention what you've been talking about to father, you understand? You wanted to know what to do to make up stuff to me? Do that. Keep your mouth shut."
Nessa nodded and started forward towards the door. It was then that she knew exactly what she'd pray for: Strength. For both of them.
"Elphaba! Don't dawdle. You'll make everything late. And you will be punished for it if you do," Frex called before they had even crossed the threshold.
Strength, Nessa thought. And safety.