"Wait...she did what?" Emmett says, beer bottle in hand. He paused before he could drink. Upon my return from the store I explained what happened to me.
Jasper was doubled over laughing. "That's the best story ever, Edward. But really, what happened?"
"That's what happened. I swear. She totally polluted the aisle and took off before I could get her name or number. I think she was sick or something. She didn't look okay," I say, starting on the paninis. Those dicks ate mostly everything I made while I was out, just like I thought.
"So you have the hots for a sick-looking chick that farts like a Clydesdale and made you," Emmett sniffs me, "have second hand funk. Have you been celibate that long, because, dude...that's crazy."
"Agreed. Let's call Jessica to do him. He's having an episode," says Jasper.
"I'm not crazy. And that's your cousin. Don't be so disrespectful, dude."
"Edward, you have women throwing themselves at you. Hell, my grandmother wanted to know if you had a girlfriend. I bet she'd give you a piece if you wanted," says Emmett. "You don't need gas girl."
"Why am I the only man around here who knows how to act?" I mutter to myself. "I don't want a 'piece of ass.' Especially your grandmother's." I shudder.
"Dude." Emmett says like he's offended. Does he want me to get it on with his nana?
"There are a lot of women out there that want you, Ed. We just wonder what you're waiting for," Jasper chimes in.
"I just want someone I can love, that's going to love me back," I say.
"Did you just quote Sixteen Candles?" asks Jasper. "Because I may have issues with some of the themes."
"Er, no." I totally did. It's my mother's favorite movie, and we have conveniently ignored the problematic areas. "And as much as I appreciate "Woke Jasper", I will take you more seriously when you're not wearing a 'Hakuna Mo'Vodka' t-shirt."
Jasper mimes the universal 'blow me' gesture. Obviously he doesn't say it out loud because he has class.
"Whatever. If gas girl makes you hot, then we'll support you. Probably from afar, but we'll be around," says Emmett.
"Listen. I liked her. You know how you see someone and you just have that spark?"
"Are you sure the 'spark' wasn't just her ripping one?" asks Emmett. I give him a look. He throws his hands in the air in surrender. "Dude. I have fart material that I can do for days. A man can only show so much restraint." He then proceeds to chug his third beer in ten minutes. He chases it with a handful of chips. Yes, this man's middle name is restraint.
"Look, she was beautiful, but with a little problem. She probably had food poisoning or something. It happens."
Both my friends give each other a dubious look.
"Shut up," I say. "It was nothing a little pepto couldn't take care of."
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"What about some pepto, Bella," my mom calls from the hall.
"Oh my god. Are you kidding me? I think I'm dying, mom! You better call uncle Garrett and tell him to cancel his fishing trip and bring his tools. It's an emergency!" I shout out with my last ounce of strength.
Better yet, just let the toilet explode and bury me. I have nothing left. Literally. And figuratively. I mean, because poo. And my dream guy knows about the poo.
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"Okay. Please start that sentence over. I thought I heard you say you saw Chef Edward while you had the most heinous gas of your life. That's obviously a mistake," says Alice. She serves herself some coffee and sits down at the kitchen table. It's two days after "the incident" and I'm back at home dealing with the aftermath.
"If only. But that's what happened. I saw him in the bread aisle as I was rotting internally, I nearly killed him, he said I was beautiful, and then I ran off. I'm just now coming out of the fetal position and emerging from my cocoon of shame."
"Wait. What?" Alice cries. "He said you were beautiful?" She taps on her iPad and shoves it in my face. "This person right here?"
"It was probably gas-induced psychosis."
"This man right here?" Alice asks again. Maybe she has psychosis too.
"Why do you want me to relive this? It's bad enough that it happened," I complain. "Can you just let me read my fanfiction in peace? That's the only thing making me feel better."
"I can't believe you have all the luck. Was Jasper with him?"
"Who's Jasper?" I ask. "And how do you find this lucky?"
"Bella!" She sounds exasperated. I don't know why. I'm the one who was humiliated and now cannot leave my house or use the Internet. "Jasper is one of hottie chef's hot friends. He's been on some of the videos. You must have seen him. That show is the second best part of the internet after Missed Connections."
I only have eyes for Edward. I don't even remember any cooking happening. And I certainly don't read those garbage ads. I actually think they're totally fake. "Er. Um."
"I'll take that as a 'no' then. On both counts. Anyway, when you get together with Chef Edward you can set us up with Jasper and Emmett."
"What are you even talking about?" I ask.
"Are you not going to hook up your best friends, Bella? Miss Selfish?"
"I'm really at a loss, here. Who am I hooking up?"
"Me. Rosalie. Your BFFs forever. Geez."
"You know that one of the 'f's in BFF stands for forever, right? Because you said best friends forever forever right now, and you want me to hook you up with Rosalie."
"Oh my god, Bella," Alice interrupts, "can you please stick with the subject at hand? Are you or are you not going to set us up with Edward's friends?"
"Did you think that while I was barely holding in a shart in front of the hottest man I've ever seen that I was getting his number? Or he said, 'hey, smelly lady, here's my digits because I have a fart fetish.' Yeah. No."
Alice rolls her eyes hard. "So freaking dramatic. You should really change careers from physical therapy to acting. I, as usual, with take care of this. Now please repeat every word that was spoken. Verbatim. I need to plan very carefully."
So I do. Because Alice is a scary bitch. I love her, mostly, but sometimes I wonder if we're still friends because I'm too chicken to break it off with her. She's done some real Voldemort shit. You know, the kind that must not be named.
If anyone could get a date with the friend of a minor Internet celebrity, it's her.
I wonder if she could actually erase Edward's memory? Then I might have a chance.
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A/N: This was originally beta'd by Cosmogirl, but I have tinkered with the post. Thank you for the reviews and follows. I tried to reply to as many as possible.