"You know if you're so hung up on gas girl you could put an ad in Craigslist. People put all kinds of stuff on there," Jasper says. I may have sighed one too many times over the past week when they mentioned going out to a bar or whatever, and I think he's worried about me. I knock his feet off my coffee table and switch on the basketball game. They're at my place again because theirs is gross.
"Yeah. Because I'm going to look for a girlfriend while shopping for..." I quickly type 'Craig's List' in my phone, "a butt pumpkin, or a vagina jacket."
"Oh shit, I need to check out that ad ASAP. That sounds awesome!" exclaims Emmett, who is now tapping on his phone. "Fuck, I can get a free snow cat limo or a mobile brothel."
"These are not even real things, Emmett. I mean, a vagina jacket? What even is that?" I say, irritated. My feelings are not a joke. I have been thinking about gas girl a lot since I saw her that night. Note to self: Stop referring to young lady in question as 'gas girl.' I take a swig of my beer and relax on my couch.
"It's like a merkin, dude. Geez, don't you read stuff?" says Jasper. "My housekeeper used to read to me all the time. Man, I miss Mrs. Cope. It was nice having my stuff clean all the time."
"I read plenty, dickwad. And what kind of books was your housekeeper reading to you if that's where you heard about vagina clothes? " I say angrily because now I need to google 'merkin' so Jasper can shut the hell up. "What the fuck is that?" I say, horrified by the images on my screen.
"Did you just google 'merkin'? Yeah. It's disturbing," says Emmett. "I mean, why would anyone want more hair down there?"
"You're such troglodytes," Jasper says, shaking his head and putting his feet back on my coffee table. Motherfucker knows I put food there. I guess Mrs. Cope didn't teach manners when she was instructing Little Jasper about vag covers.
"Save your condescension for when you're not wearing a Master Bater t-shirt, Jasper," I say. "Though I'm glad you finally used an entry correctly from your Word of the Day calendar."
"This is an ironic tee. And I've used more than one word correctly," he retorts.
"No, you haven't. 'Panacea' is not a type of custard," I reply, irritated by this entire conversation. "And 'ironic' doesn't mean the same as truthful, so strike two." I nudge his feet off the coffee table again for good measure. I turn to see Emmett typing numbers into his phone. "Emmett, you better not be calling the number for the mobile brothel."
"But, it's free," he whines.
"Do you plan to have 'employees' for this business, Mr. Portable Pimp? I bet your mom will be so proud. Six years of college and a police record for solicitation."
He taps his phone and puts it in his pocket in a huff. "Ever since you got gassed, you've been a real downer, Ed."
"And this is why I said he should put an ad in the Missed Connections section. Lots of people do it all the time," insists Jasper. "Maybe if you hook up with her you'll be in a better mood."
"Oh yeah, look, Edward. This ad is similar to what happened to you," says Emmett. He holds out his phone to me.
"Guy with skid mark, bought eleven sticks of beef jerky and a gallon of milk at Circle K, you were sexy - how is this remotely connected to my situation?"
"I mean...it's obvious, right? Bathroom problems, market, and wants to hook up?" Emmett ticks off items with his fingers. I'm tempted to break them.
"Yes! Totally the same thing!" exclaims Jasper. "Write the ad, Ed."
"Fuck. You," I say, pointing to both of them. "And eat all the tuna amuse bouche before you go."
Like they're leaving anytime soon.
Emmett makes a beeline for the kitchen when I mention the food. He saunters back into the living room with the mini apps. "Fuck, these fish sticks are good," he says, passing the tray to Jasper and putting his feet on my coffee table.
"Those are not fish sticks, and get your disgusting feet off my furniture." I flick him on the arm.
He gives me a dirty look but takes them off. "You could have given me a mark and I have to shoot a watch commercial in the morning, dick. No wonder Jasper is trying to get you laid."
"I don't want to get laid!" I say, exasperated. Wait, I do, but not like that. "I just want to meet the person who interested me, that's all."
"What do you think our point is about the ad, dumbass?" replies Jasper.
"The idea do a personal ad is pointless. And I won't be wasting my time." I take back the now empty tray and put it in the sink.
"I think it's a pretty cool idea," says Emmett, now looking around my house for more food. I better hide the candy Nana Cullen sent me. That shit's mine.
"Me too," agrees Jasper. "We only want to see you meet the gas girl so you'll be happier, Edward. We care about you and don't want you to be so lugubrious."
"Yeah," Emmett concurs.
Well, shucks. I guess there is a reason why I keep these guys around.
"Thanks, guys. And you looked that word up, right?"
"Of course I did. Now I used two words correctly. Bite me."
So much for the sweet bro feelings time. I sigh.
"Even if I thought she had a chance to see it, what would I actually say? 'You were the gorgeous brunette with a perfect body at the Trader Joe's who farted in the bread aisle.' Yeah, sure. It'll never work."
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"Hello, mother," I say into my phone. I tap 'speaker' and set it down on my counter so I can continue to plan.
"Edward, my love, how are you?"
"Fine, mom. Just working on the menu for your hospital benefit."
"That's wonderful to hear. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job. But I'm calling to find out when you are going to let me introduce you to the lovely new physical therapist here?"
"Mom, you know I don't want to be set up with anyone. I don't think my tastes and yours are the same." I know they're really not because my mom and dad do some freaky shit in the bedroom. And most every place else.
"We've had the talk about your sexual health, Edward. Why do you think your father and I are so fit? We are constantly bringing each other to org-"
"Oh god, please no," I interrupt before she can continue with what I know will be horrifying.
"It's very purifying to your system, and good for the heart rate, you know."
"Yes. You've told me enough times since puberty. But you still put dad in the hospital with your antics."
"He merely has a touch of tendonitis in his gluteal muscles. He still can thrust like a twenty year-old, but the recovery time just isn't the same." She sighs like she's disappointed that my dad went to town on her so hard that he sprained his ass.
"Yeah. That's so great to hear," I snark.
"Well, your father's therapy is what brought me to meet Isabella, the physical therapist. She's quite skilled at her job and very beautiful. She's just your type. Brunette and curvy."
I sigh. That is my type. That is was attracted me to gas girl.
My mother continues, "And she was so accommodating when I explained what type of strengthening exercises I wanted for your father. She's going to make sure he can regain his full range of motion so he can get into any position."
And that sealed the deal. I couldn't possibly date her now, even if I wanted to. I know my mother told her everything. Probably made a diagram too.
"Thanks, mom. For all of that. I won't be able to sleep tonight."
She sighs. "I don't know how you ended up so uptight, my love, considering how we raised you."
Yeah, I've seen some shit. She's real lucky I turned out normal.
"I'll be over later with the tasting menu. See you then."
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A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. I'm so happy to see that people are laughing. Apparently many of you also have lactose issues (as I do) and feel sorry for our Bella. Beta by Cosmogirl7481 (who also googled "merkin"). You should all read her new story, Safe and Secure. She's posting it right now.