Chapter 5

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"You have to invite us, Bella. All of the hot doctors and nurses will be there. And we already bought dresses," says Rosalie as she kicks off her shoes and settles on my couch with her drink. It's girls' night in because none of us have boyfriends and going to bars sucks.

Especially since I decided I was going to become a spinster, die alone, and then get eaten by my cats, Ron and Draco.

They're assholes and probably waiting for me to die. Draco will almost certainly figure out a way to take pictures with my phone and become the new trendy cat when he posts online.

"This is the first time you've taken an interest in my work," I say. "You normally refer to my job as that 'massage thing.' Color me surprised that you'd consider attending my meager work function."

"Do I need to grovel?" She raises an eyebrow. I narrow my eyes and give her the "yeah, right" look.

Like she would grovel. She and Alice have emotionally blackmailed me into some crazy stuff without an ounce of shame. Getting an extra invite for the benefit was a no-brainer. I just wanted them to act like I was important.

They both are beautiful career women, and sometimes I feel lacking even though I know I can hold my own in those categories.

My self-esteem needs a boost after gas-gate. It was hard knowing that I had a chance for the ultimate romantic comedy meet-cute with my dream man and instead it was a horror movie scene. But a really shitty one like when Paris Hilton thought she could act.

"I know you have an important job, Bella. It's just that now it's become an interesting one." Rosalie gulps her wine down like that's her job.

"Gee, thanks."

"Hey, didn't you say that one of the doctors wanted to hook you up with her son? What happened with that?" Alice asks.

"Oh. Dr. Platt. Yeah. I told her I wasn't interested."

"Why? Is the guy a total tool?" Rosalie asks.

"No, I mean I didn't get any details about him because I shut that down pretty quickly."

"He's probably ugly or a doofus if his mom is trying to set him up," Alice offers.

"Well, Dr. Platt is one of the best looking women I've ever seen and she has to be close to fifty years old. And her husband could model for an underwear ad."

They both look at me.

"What?" I ask, defensively. I pour myself another glass of wine and chug it.

"How do you know what the husband looks like?" Alice asks.

"He's my patient." I laugh. "Apparently he injured himself 'in the bedroom' and needed treatment to get his groove back if you know what I mean. Dr. Platt likes to over share. He's super hot and built. She's pretty lucky."

They both make a strange noise. Like dying animals. It's really not attractive.

Alice fans herself. "Dr. Sex offered you her son and you turned that down?" she asks.

"Er, yes? Um, so you guys really want to go to the benefit?" I ask, changing the subject. I really don't need them unraveling my thinly-wound resolve to never date again. I reach for the wine and fill everyone's glass.

"There's a bachelor-slash-bachelorette auction, Bella. And I have my bonus money from my last project burning a hole in my pocket," says Rosalie. "Totally gonna buy me a hot doctor. And I heard the food is supposed to be prepared by a famous chef-"

Alice interrupts for some reason."Yeah, the auction is going to be great. And since you won't help us meet Jasper and Emmett, you owe us."

"Again with the Jasper and Emmett. Like I'm supposed to know who they are."

Alice sighs dramatically and taps on her phone. She shoves it in my face. "Look! Jasper. Emmett. You are surprisingly unobservant for a medical professional."

Or I'm extremely observant of one particularly hot man to the exclusion of all others.

Damn that Edward for being so beautiful that I didn't notice the other two guys.

"Oh, if only I could get my hands on that Emmett. Did you know he's a hand model? You know what that means, right?" Rosalie wiggles her fingers in what I take as an obscene way while Alice laughs scarily.

I don't actually know why she's laughing, but I'm definitely not asking these two. The answer is better left unsaid. And probably gross.

"Whatever. That day when I saw Chef Edward, and the aftermath, which we will never mention again, have been permanently removed from my brain like in The Notebook. So, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dude. Don't even compare your hot mess to The Notebook." Rosalie sounds horrified. She has strong feelings for Ryan Gosling. "That's not even what happened."

"Maybe it's more Bourne Identity memory loss," Alice offers.

"Oh, please. It's completely Inception. That shit was weird and so is Bella."

I sit in my living room listening to them talk about me like I'm not even here.

"What about Finding Dory?" I ask, snidely.

"Ugh. Don't be ridiculous," Alice replies. "We're trying to be serious here."

"Yes, of course you are. Because me not wanting to talk about my most embarrassing moment is just like the plot of Inception."

"Ooh, you know what memory loss movie is my favorite? While You Were Sleeping. Though Sandra Bullock had really unfortunate bangs," Rosalie says.

"Gawd, yes. That was a crime against hair. Speaking of hair, should we do up-dos?" Alice asks.

This question leads to a long discussion about hair and dresses for the benefit. Which leads to an impromptu make-over and fashion show session that could have been filmed for a montage scene in a teen comedy.

Cue the nineties pop song for the soundtrack. Ooh, what's the one from She's All That? I google it as I chug more wine.

We all collapse on my bed in a fit of laughter when we finish. More wine is passed around. We're just swigging from the bottle now.

"See, we don't really need guys to have fun, ladies. We can be fulfilled by ourselves," I say, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

Alice and Rosalie look at each other and murmur something about never having been fully filled. I don't ask. I find it easier to sleep at night.

Alice is scrolling through her phone when she starts laughing. "This is the best. I love reading these. Oh look, Bella. This is like your situation!" She holds up the phone towards me. Of course she has the Missed Connections page open on her phone.

" 'You were the girl peeing in woods by the Goodwill. Want to go bowling sometime?' Yes, Alice. That's just like my situation."

"Bodily function, store, hook-up. Sounds the same to me," says Rosalie. I give her a dirty look.

"Oh look. This is the same, too. 'You were the person who dropped their bible at Starbucks and showed me your thong,' " I say, annoyed. "I don't know why you even read that junk. And don't say it's because of your job. You're a marketing executive, not a professional creeper."

"These people are marketing themselves in unusual ways. And I read somewhere that a few people actually got together from these ads. You know how I love love."

"Do you also love wolf semen? Because you can get a gallon of it, apparently, if you reply to this one."

"It could be a veterinarian or something," Alice says.

I stare at her in disbelief.

"Okay, maybe that one is weird," Alice admits. "And you're one to talk with all your Harry Potter fanfiction. Dramione is wrong on so many levels." Her voice gets to that weird pitch that signals danger.

"That is a very important and now widely accepted-" I start, but I am interrupted by Rosalie.

"Both of you stop. This is a girls' night. No arguing. Besides we'll be soon up to our ears in dick after that benefit, so there's no reason to be grouchy bitches."

"Truth. I have a good feeling about this weekend," Alice says.

"So it's a good sign if we have dick that reaches to our ears? That sounds unhygienic. And maybe painful."

"Oh, Bella. Have we taught you nothing?" Rosalie says with a sigh.

I guess not.

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.A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and follows. Much love to my solemeat, Cosmogirl for reading this stuff.

FYI, all the Missed Connections mentioned are actually found online. No, I can't believe it either, but I'm grateful for the psychos posting them.