"She's going to flip, Rosalie," Alice says furiously. They're leaning against the tall stools in the cocktail area of the sumptuously decorated ballroom. And they apparently don't realize I'm listening.
"She needs to know, Alice," she replies. "It's-" Rosalie stops speaking when she notices me walking over to them.
"What am I going to flip out about, besties?" I raise my eyebrow in their direction. They better not have done anything crazy in front of all my work colleagues. I don't need the embarrassment.
"Oh, er, not you, Bella. The party planner should realize these stool are gorgeous, but totally useless. Like trying to shimmy up on the seat without flashing beave would impossible," Alice says, laughing a little at the end. "Poor seating choice can be a major issue."
Hmm. Not an unreasonable answer, but not exactly something to flip out about.
"Right. We don't want any hot doctors to see the cooch before they're supposed to," Rosalie adds. Like she's really worried about premature snatcheralization.
"Wearing underwear would solve that problem," I retort.
"Oh, please. I wear underwear. Most of the time. Just not when I'm in stealth mode, Bella."
"And underwear doesn't go with my outfit either, Bella," Alice adds. "You can be a little Handmaid's Tale at times in your rigidity. No offense."
Gee, how could I possibly be offended? I guess not wanting to go commando in a mini-dress is a sign of being super religious.
I take a long swig of my fantastically fruity cocktail so I don't make the scathing retort that exists in my head right now. Sarcastic Bella is going to relax and enjoy what promises to be a fantastic night.
"So what do you think of the party?" I say, changing the subject. "Have you spotted any prey yet?"
"Oh, I've seen plenty of possible future ex-boyfriends. But no true keepers. I'm holding out for the auction." Alice tucks a curl behind her ear. "The decor is amazing, though."
"What about you, Rose? Anyone tickle your fancy?"
She laughs. "I'd love for that guy to tickle something." She gestures over my shoulder and I glance back. Oh shit, it's Carlisle Cullen. Can't say I blame her for noticing. If he weren't married and my patient...yeah. "Hello, daddy," Rosalie practically purrs, pushing up her boobs and slipping into predator mode.
"Yeah, that's not happening." I snort.
"You seems to underestimate my powers, Bella." Rosalie scowls as she smooths non-existent wrinkles in her dress.
"I would never," I say, laughing. "That's my patient and that lady walking towards him is Dr. Platt, his wife." I gesture to the gorgeous auburn-haired woman approaching the beautiful blond man.
They both turn. Alice's eyes widen. "That's the couple that gets freaky? Damn. I was picturing uggos."
"I told you how attractive they are," I retort. "You guys don't listen me."
"Yeah, I focused on the sexy times, too. My bad. No chance that there's trouble in paradise?" she asks, trying to be nonchalant. I glare at her.
"He strained his gluteal muscles with excessive use with her, Rosalie. What do you think?"
Rose looks at Alice. She clarifies. "He broke his ass from all the sex thrusting. You're not going to win this time, Rose. But you'll live to prowl another day."
As we are glancing at them, Carlisle kisses his wife's neck and runs his hands over her hips.
"Daaamn...mommy likey," Alice says. "Can I buy that in the auction?"
"What's with all the daddy and mommy kink tonight? You guys into a new thing? Never mind. Let's not unpack that right now." I hold my hands up in a gesture of surrender.
"Whatever. Let's go look at the auction list so I can start prioritizing. Do you think there are any hot older docs up for grabs?"
"Bella? You coming?" Alice asks.
"Nah. I think I'm going to pass. I'm not going to date any staff at the hospital." Or look for a daddy figure. "I'll meet you at the bar in a bit."
They nod and saunter over to the auction display as I head to the bar. Am I that picky? Should I be looking with them? I really need to stop thinking about my chef and just see who's actually out there for me. I glance back at Carlisle and Esme and think that's what I want. Maybe not the injured ass for my partner, but then again...what a way to go.
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"Cosmo, extra cherries, please." I tap the bar while waiting for the very attractive bartender to mix my drink. He passes it over with a big smile.
A girl could get used to the free drinks and food and fabulous decor, if said girl maybe had someone to share it with.
Sigh. Really, Bella? Downer much? What happened to the riot girl that didn't need anyone? I guess she got tired of recharging her "boyfriend" and putting it in her dresser drawer.
A waiter passes by, and I grab a prosciutto-wrapped shrimp. Might as well stuff my face while I drown my sorrows.
"Oh my god," I moan. "That's amazing." I look around for the waiter so I can get another one in my mouth right away.
Instead of the waiter, I notice two guys standing by the bar. I must have missed their approach while I was having my mouth orgasm. They are both very cute. One is tall and built with dark curly hair and dimples. The other is tall and lanky with blond hair hanging in his eyes. Not really my type, but exactly what I thought my friends liked until the DILF comments from earlier.
The blond smiles and says, "I'll be sure to let my friend know you're enjoying his food. He's the chef tonight."
"Oh, really? I haven't tried anything else, but that was great."
"Well, we can't have that. You must try the other stuff. Emmett, grab our new friend a plate, will you?" He nods and walks over to the appetizer station.
"I'm Jasper, by the way. That's Emmett. And you're..." he prompts.
"Bella. It's nice to meet you. Do you work at the hospital, too?"
"No. We're just here to support our friend. And obviously meet beautiful women." He smiles at me.
Emmett returns with a small plate of appetizers for me and an enormous one for him.
"Emmett, this is Bella." Emmett grins and winks at me. He bumps Jasper in the side and nods. "Yeah. I know, right? She's perfect," says Jasper.
Okay, Jasper and Emmett are both hot, but I don't do threesomes. "Umm..." I start, but then I stop when Alice and Rosalie approach. They must have smelled the hotness in the air.
"Bella, you won't believe all of the potential - holy crap, Rose!" Alice whisper shrieks as she stops short. She's staring at Jasper and Emmett and blinking. Okay, these guys are good-looking but she's tongue-tied. Am I missing something?
Rosalie glances over, alarmed at Alice's comment. "Motherfu-"
I interrupt before she finishes the f-bomb and shows how classy we are. "Er, Alice and Rosalie, this is Jasper and Emmett." My best friends look ready to eat these two guys who are total strangers.
I look over at the guys who look gobsmacked by my two friends. Well, there goes my potential man-sandwich. Not that I expected anything, but it's nice to have an option, you know.
They all stare at each other - I guess deciding who is going to do whom, so I begin to check out the food Emmett brought me. Only one item seems to have any dairy components, so I go to town on the rest of it. Being fifth wheel makes a girl hungry. And thirsty. I clear my palate with the rest of my drink and order another.
"Oh my god..." I moan like a food whore. I apparently break the sexual tension spell that held them because they all look at me stuffing my face. "What?" I mumble, defensively. "It's so-o good. Let me eat and drink, and you can just get back to-" I wave my hand that's not holding a scallop, "whatever is happening here. Another cosmo, please." I wave to the bartender as I chug drink number - er - I'm not sure, and let them continue with their hookup.
"Bella, you do realize that this is Jasper? And Emmett?" Alice hisses.
"Okay? You do realize that I just introduced you, right?" I snark back. "You can thank me later."
"Are we missing something here?" Jasper asks. "I'm sure we haven't met before. I'm pretty sure we'd remember you ladies." He walks closer to Alice, focusing in on her face which is tilted toward his.
I sigh. It's not like I was into either of them, but this is ridiculous.
"Absolutely," Emmett concurs, while staring at Rosalie. "I'd know if I'd met you before."
The heat between the four of them is stifling. "Yeah, so I'm going to go hang out somewhere else." Before clothes start flying off, I need to step away. "This was real." Real depressing for my ego.
"Wait, Bella. Don't go. We want you to-" Emmett is interrupted before finishing.
"Bella, you don't understand. This is Jasper. And Emmett." She enunciates each syllable like I'm learning to read. Or a little drunk. I roll my eyes. Okay, so I'm slightly buzzed. "From the cooking channel!" she hisses at me and gestures toward them.
What is she talking about? Ooh that cosmo is so good.
"Hey, so you've seen us on Edward's show?" Jasper asks. "So you're fans of his?"
"Oh no, we watch for you. You're so funny! And you have such an expansive vocabulary," Alice gushes and touches his arm. Jasper looks like he's going to grab her and throw her over his shoulder and take her to his cave.
"And you have such beautiful hands," Rosalie croons to Emmett, who steps closer and grabs her hand. He kisses it.
"Oh brother," I mutter and down the rest of my drink I just received. "Who cares about his hands?"
"Bella, I can't believe you're not more excited about potentially meeting Edward?" Alice says. Her eyes narrow. "How many of those have you had?"
"Does Bella watch, too? So do you think she'd be into Edward?" Jasper asks, drawing her attention.
I try to ignore them even though I hear my name. I focus on my pretty glass and try to get the cherry out of the bottom with my tongue. I heard guys like that.
"Are you kidding?" Rosalie asks, laughing. "He's her dream guy."
"That's so great. We actually came over here to talk to Bella about meeting him. She's totally his type, and we've been trying to set him up for a while," Emmett says.
"I can't believe he's single," Alice says.
"I don't need to be set up. Me and the bartender have great relationship. He just gave me the best surprise drink. It's so creamy and dreamy," I say as I slurp.
"Yeah, he's been hung up on this girl that he met and barely talked to. We're trying to get him over gas girl."
"Gas girl?" questions Rosalie. "Wait, what's that about?"
"It's sort of gross. She was polluting the aisle at Trader Joe's-"
"Hold up, what?" I shriek. Their rambling is finally registering in my brain. "Trader Joe's...gas...Edward...Chef Edward, is your friend and he...he told you..."
I can't finish the rest of that statement. My stomach is churning from embarrassment and something else. Oh no, what was in that last drink? I clutch my stomach. No. Not now.
"We were trying to tell you, Bella. Jasper and Emmett are Edward's friends from his show," Alice says. "I thought you understood. What happened at the store isn't a big deal."
I don't know what's worse, the idea that Edward knows exactly what happened in the store and told his friends or that it might happen again right here in the ballroom.
I can feel a giant bubble about to burst out of me.
"Wait, are you saying you're gas girl? I can't believe it's you!" Jasper exclaims. "What are the chances?"
"And you didn't even answer the Missed Connections ad," adds Emmett.
I gasp. "There's a what?" My buzz is officially gone and its replaced with horror.
"We placed an ad in Missed Connections so we could find you. After the funk affair, he was pretty down about not getting your number. So we decided to post an ad online to find you. And here you are!" Emmett smiles like this is great. It's not.
"Um, what exactly does it say?" I ask, though I don't want to know.
Alice pulls out her phone and shows me. I glare at her. Those bitches knew about it and didn't tell me. I gasp again as I read it.
"A Clydesdale!" I shriek. Alice recoils.
"We just wrote what Edward said," Emmett says.
That's it. Why don't I have a wand so I can Disapparate right out of here? I'm mortified and I'm about to have a major lactose episode. I've got to get out of this building.
"No," I say, shaking my head. "He didn't call me a farting horse."
"Um, I don't think he meant-" Jasper stammers.
"Don't feel bad. He likes you, gas girl," Emmett protests. Alice grabs my hand, and I wrench it out from her grasp.
I choke out a sob as my stomach lets me know it's threat level midnight.
"Gas girl?" a voice over my shoulder asks. "Emmett, are you talking about what happened to me again? I told you never to talk about that."
No. It can't be.
Not Edward. Not now.
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AN: So it's been awhile. I was watching the Twilight marathon and was inspired once again by how hot Edward is. And then Nolebucgirl posted a Getting Blitzed outtake and I wanted some Twific. So here it is. It's unbeta'd so be kind. And everyone please stay home and wash your hands.