A brand new perspective for you and another chapter closer to the end. Just two more to go now, one to wrap things up and an epilogue.
The climb up the hill to the lookout was hard going on limbs made heavy with dejection but Billy pushed himself onwards, the pale moon lighting the path through the trees. Sleep had eluded him for most of the night and as dawn neared he had abandoned his restless tossing and made for the top of the hill. The moon had all but disappeared as he approached the summit but the sky was lightening and the first tentative bird calls of the day pierced the muffled whispering of the forest. Dropping down to the hard ground Billy draped his arms loosely around his knees and he waited, watching as the hazy horizon slowly brightened to shimmering gold, its brilliance reflecting in the ocean that stretched out before him.
The sun was a glowing red orb rising steadily when the ship finally came into view. Even from such a distance he could just about hear the muffled shouts of the men as they swarmed the deck like ants and the sharp snap of canvas as the main sails unfurled and billowed before catching the prevailing wind. Billy fruitlessly scanned the decks for any sign of Sarah, searching the dark windows of the main cabins trying to discern her pale face pressed to the glass watching the island recede behind the ship, but he saw nothing. Logically he knew she would be safely hidden away, not parading on the deck for all the men to see but it didn't prevent his heart seizing with disappointment. He rubbed his eyes, berating himself for his stupidity, and was only mildly surprised when his hand came away damp. He knew it would only hurt him to watch her leave like this but he couldn't pull himself away, couldn't help but torture himself with those final moments as she slipped forever from his grasp.
He wished now that he had told her that he loved her but he had not dared to hope that she would return his regard and so had steadfastly kept his own counsel. When she had whispered those words to him in parting and it had dawned on him that, for a woman such as she, giving herself to him was as obvious a declaration as any man could wish for, he could only curse himself for a fool. It was too late by then, she had already been swallowed up by the forest, but still it had taken every shred of his resolve not to chase her through the trees and beg her to stay with him. He couldn't ask that of her, she had a future to look forward to and he had none.
Billy tugged a hand through his hair as he watched the departing ship grow steadily smaller and belatedly began to wonder, would anyone really still be looking for him? They all thought him dead. If he went somewhere other than Nassau, far enough north perhaps, would it be possible to live without looking over his shoulder always? In the softening light of dawn he couldn't help but contemplate how different his future could look had he the courage to grasp the opportunity instead of turning his face away from the world. Could there have been a place for them after all had he put aside his fears and doubts and simply followed his selfish desires?
When Sarah had first appeared in his milieu he had reacted with paranoia and violence but despite the terror he had inspired in her she had comported herself with bravery and dignity. Initially he had been sullen with her, impatient of her helplessness. She was a constant prim reminder that a world existed outside the borders of the island, a world to which he could not return and he almost hated her for it. He hadn't been completely unsympathetic as he had watched her slow decent into melancholy, knowing all too well how hopelessness drained the soul from the body leaving only an empty shell, but he had done very little to aid her, just observed impassively. Her pathetic dependence on him had at least given him focus and a task in those early days, something other to think about than his own remorse and shame, and though he had resented that her presence prevented him from wallowing in his self-pity he had come to admire her fortitude as she had gradually dragged herself out of the mire of her own regret and found a way for the two of them to coexist peaceably.
It was only when he thought that she had eaten those deadly apples and he had bathed her to remove the burning sap that he realised that his feelings for her went a bit further than simple respect. She had seduced him that day without even realising it, the image of her damp chemise clinging indecently to her curves as she had hurried away slipping into his thoughts at some remarkably inconvenient times. He had tried to convince himself that it was only the enticement of feminine company after so many months without that turned his head, but it was not the same prickle of lust he felt when visiting a whore after a long sea voyage, an itch that would find satisfaction in a quick and heady fuck.
Although his hands yearned to touch her, to trace the gentle sway of her hips and feel the smoothness of her pale skin, it wasn't just lust, it was something more. He was captivated by her determination, her tentative smiles, the rapt look of concentration on her face when she was attempting some new task and the sparkling merriment in her eyes as she began to open up to him. Even her unswerving loyalty to her undeserving husband Billy found compelling, perhaps because despite that loyalty being abused to the point of breaking she had not broken. She made him want to be a better person, to atone for all that he had done even though there was no possibility of her returning his esteem, and as time went on Billy realised he was fucked.
She was like a flower taken from some shaded location and replanted in the sun, opening up carefully to become more and more beautiful. He thought before she arrived that he hated Captain Flint with every fibre of his being but as Sarah eventually began to speak haltingly of the unfeeling indifference she had experienced at the hands of her husband it became clear to Billy that he had been mistaken, the man he really hated was Woodes Rogers. Her words aroused something savage and vengeful in Billy, far more vicious than any emotion he had felt for Flint. While he would never forgive Flint for the death of Hal Gates the burning desire for revenge had left him and only a more muted resignation and regret remained. Rogers was another matter and Billy seethed inwardly at every incident Sarah alluded to when it was clear that her former husband had treated her with anything other than the devotion that she deserved. The thought of Roger's showing only indifference as she tried to conform to his ideals of the perfect wife made Billy's blood boil, with fury and jealousy.
He had tried so hard to hold himself in check, to hide all that he felt for her, not wishing to sully her goodness with his filthy touch and sordid past. But she had other ideas, saw something in him that he thought was lost forever and shattered his faltering willpower with her quiet strength and gentle nature. It had been a revelation when he had first caught her watching him, something in her eyes that he had seen in women's eyes before when they rested on the contours of his body but that he had never expected to see in hers. He had tried to ignore the telling way she had swiftly looked away when their eyes met and the pink tint in her cheeks, but the basest form of his nature couldn't resist testing the waters. He had flirted gently and let his admiration show just a little, not enough to scare her, but enough. Christ, he wanted her and he wanted her to want him, and when she had allowed him to touch her all his good intentions had immediately crumbled to dust. Just the hesitant caress of her fingertips against his jaw had his heart pounding in his chest and the inexperienced press of her lips left him aching with desire. The way she had looked at him when he made love to her, with complete trust, had signified the moment of his doom. There was no other word for it, for he knew that whatever happened her happiness was all that mattered to him now. He would throw himself into fire, endure any agony just to ensure that she was content and cherished. And yet, he was woefully ill equipped to do any such thing. He had no money, no influence and no ship. Christ, he couldn't even accompany her safely back to Nassau but he had done as much as he could, even when it meant the sacrifice of every futile but beguiling dream he had had regarding their future.
He watched the ship dwindle and fade as it approached the horizon, squinting hard in the bright sunlight that glittered painfully off the water. His mental assertion that that was the reason for his watering eyes would have convinced no-one, least of all himself. When finally the ship vanished from his sight he clenched an impotent fist and pounded it against the ground repeatedly until a jagged rock split the skin of his knuckles and the sharp sting brought him back to himself. He hefted the offending rock in his hand and then hurled it down the slope, listening to the rustle of leaves dislodged by its passing and the clatter as it hit the ground.
His heart sat like lead in his chest, each ragged breath he took tight and painful. He got up slowly, cast one last longing glance at the empty horizon before turning his back and scuffing his way down the hill, his body expressing the reluctance he refused to acknowledge with its sluggish tread, unwilling to see the empty clearing, knowing however many times he told himself that she was just walking the forest it would not ease his misery.
The trees around him were hushed as if they too grieved. He followed the path towards the hut, moving soundlessly like a wraith and feeling just as empty and insubstantial, as if some part of him had been torn away with her departure. Approaching the gap in the trees he paused, steeling himself, and then slipped silently into the clearing. He had only taken a few steps when he froze at the impossible sight before him. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried in vain to calm his racing heart. It seemed the madness of isolation would not even allow him a small reprieve before it curled its cruel fingers around his mind and wrenched away his sanity. He had expected the paranoia to return as the weeks passed but not hallucinations as well and certainly not so soon. He rubbed a rough hand across his face and opened his eyes.
The illusion did not dissipate.
Sarah looked so real sitting there by the fireside calmly stitching, as if she had not just sailed away to Nassau. She did not look up, focused on her embroidery as always, her dark hair falling in gentle, damp waves down her back with a single curl nestling loosely across her slightly flushed cheek. She bit her lip in concentration and pulled the thread carefully though the fabric to set another stitch.
She looked perfect and Billy wished vehemently that she was real, that she wasn't a product of his muddled senses and hopeless grief. He couldn't move, couldn't bring himself to shatter this figment of his imagination. He could only stand and stare wistfully at the vision, drinking in every detail of her.
As if she felt his hungry gaze upon her she looked up and stared directly at him, eyes widening. As he watched she unfolded her willowy frame and rose slowly to her feet, dropping her stitchery carelessly to the ground. Billy noticed a slight tremor in her hands and it struck him as an odd detail for his imagination to supply. He felt suddenly breathless, absurd hope squeezing the air from his chest. Sarah's eyes remained locked on his, fear and hope glimmering in their depths. Billy couldn't remember moving but he found himself striding towards her and to his joy she came running to meet him. She cast herself against his chest and threw her arms around his neck. He crushed her frantically to him and breathed in the soft scent of her hair.
She was warm and vital.
And real.
He bent his head and kissed her fiercely, pouring every ounce of his love and longing into the press of his lips on hers, licking into her mouth in a sweet, sensual caress even as his hands tangled in her hair. He pulled away but it was only so he could lavish attention on every part of her beloved face, kissing her forehead, the tip of her nose and her pink cheeks before claiming her lips once more.
It took an awfully long time for his wits to return. He couldn't stop kissing her and she made no move to interrupt him, but when his reason finally exerted itself he pulled away and gave her harsh shake. The euphoria of her return had crumbled under on the onslaught of his sudden panic and his tone was as rough as the hands that gripped her when he demanded to know why she wasn't on the ship to Nassau. She was supposed to be safe, on her way to civilisation and those who could protect her.
She barely reacted to Billy's exasperation but instead met his eyes with a complacent expression, so entirely unmoved by his anger that he wanted to shake her again, if only to elicit the appropriate degree of concern that he felt the situation warranted.
'Rackham and Anne gave me to understand that I may have been mistaken in your wishes,' she said calmly.
'What did those idiots tell you?' he demanded.
'They said…' she hesitated and there was a flash of uncertainty in her eyes before it was replaced by determination. 'They said that perhaps you didn't want me to leave?'
'Of course I didn't want you to leave! That doesn't change the fact that you should be on that ship,' Billy said forcefully, struggling not to shout. He knew that he was being an ass but he couldn't stop himself, there were too many clashing and contradictory emotions swirling around his head, making it almost impossible for him to think clearly.
'I believe that ship has…ah…sailed,' she said, and there was a glimmer of mischief in her eyes as if she was finding the whole situation amusing.
Billy scrubbed his hands through his hair, rolling his eyes wildly up at the sky while trying to collect his tangled thoughts.
'Jesus, why would you do this? You must be mad!'
His exclamation caused all her amusement to flee and when he looked at her again her eyes were briefly clouded.
'Perhaps,' she acknowledged evenly. 'But it's too late now, given that the ship is gone and won't be back for three months.'
Billy hardly heard her, he was too busy flailing around trying to find some way to undo what she had done, some way to make her safe, and finding none. 'Shit!' he spat out, clenching his fists impotently against his thighs.
'It's too late now,' Sarah repeated, her unperturbed air fading and a frown beginning to pinch between her brows. She shifted away from him, her hands dropping from his shoulders to her sides, and he let her go, even though his first instinct was to pull her to him. He wanted to soothe her distress even though he was fully aware that it was his oafishness that was the cause of it. She looked down at the ground and he noticed that she was reflexively picking at her thumb nail even as she began to speak softly. 'I thought…that is Jack and Anne led me to understand…' she stopped suddenly and fixed narrowed eyes on him. 'If we were not on this island, were somewhere safe, would you want me to leave?' she demanded.
Billy gaped at her, unthinkingly reaching out a hand to her before dropping it quickly.
'Of course not,' he said quietly. 'But it's not right, you being here.'
She gave an exasperated growl and stepped forward to grasp the front of his shirt.
'Billy, I don't care what is right, I care what you want!' She softened her tone. 'Tell me what you want.'
He stilled and stared down at her small hand on his chest. It reminded him of the first time he had kissed her and the unexpected rush of love he had felt as he held her in his arms, and the ensuing shame as he berated himself in the falling rain for not controlling his desires. It surprised him that she would even need to ask that question, surely it was obvious that he wanted her, loved her? And yet as he recollected all that he had said to her since his first effusive welcome it dawned on him, like a punch to the gut, that he had given her almost no indication with his words that he was even happy to see her, let alone ecstatic.
'I want…' he paused and took a deep breath. 'I want you. With me…always.'
As he watched Sarah looked up at him and slowly a glowing smile lit up her features. The sight of it took his breath away but he did his best to keep his head.
'But…' Billy began
'If you say it's not right again…well, I don't know what I'll do but you will suffer,' she interrupted him, jabbing him in the chest with a reproving finger before she reached up and gently touched his cheek. 'I thought that there was no place for me anymore but I realised on the ship that there is, there is a place for me.' She gazed at him through her lashes and Billy felt like his heart might burst. 'And it's by your side, wherever that may be.'
'Sarah,' he began, trying not to get swept up by all the wondrous possibilities, he had no right to even dream that she could be his. 'I can't let you make such a sacrifice, can't you see that? Not for me, not when I have so little to offer you.'
'It's not a sacrifice, Billy,' she said tenderly. 'I think it may be the first decision I have made that doesn't feel like a sacrifice.' She paused and cocked her head reflectively before giving him a saucy smile. 'Well, perhaps the second. I know my own mind and I don't want to go back to Nassau, I don't want all of the things you think I need to be happy. Woodes can hang for all I care. I only want…I only need you.'
'You don't need me, I'm the last thing you need. You need to go home where you belong and…and forget all about me,' he said in a rough tone, trying one last time to reason with her, to make her see how insane she was to even consider this. Predictably she simply shook her head, sighing lightly as if he were a recalcitrant child.
'You ridiculous man, as if I could forget you.'
'You could try?'
'Or I could not. Perhaps we could return to the moment when you first greeted me back from the ship, I rather preferred that to this fruitless discussion.'
'I didn't know you would be here, I lost my head for a moment.'
'I'll have to make sure you lose it on a regular basis from now on then, I like it when you kiss me…and other things,' she said boldly, although her cheeks reddened tellingly. Billy groaned, realising he was fighting a losing battle, a battle that he didn't even want to win. Surrender seemed to be his only option but he couldn't find it in his heart to complain, there had never been a sweeter surrender. He gathered up her hands to his chest and pressed his forehead to hers.
'You must be crazy. Are you sure about this?'
'Only if you are?'
'Only if…fuck Sarah, of course I'm sure. I just want you to have the things that you deserve.'
'I have all the things that I want here.'
Unable to stop himself he caught her face in his hands and pressed a heated kiss to her lips. She hummed and opened her lips to the sweep of his tongue, allowing him to surge inside. He felt lightheaded all of a sudden and pulled away.
'God, I love you,' he said breathlessly, realising as he said it that it was the first time he had spoken those words to her. 'I love you so much.' It felt good to say it.
Sarah looked at him for a long time and as he watched her eyes brightened with moisture.
'Well, that is a relief,' she said giving him a tremulous smile, as the tears overflowed and slipped down her cheeks. Billy carefully wiped away the tears and smoothed her hair back from her brow before he kissed her softly again. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, pressing her body to his until there was no telling between them. Sliding her arms around his neck she hid her face against his chest and sighed contentedly as he caressed her hair and allowed himself to just enjoy the feel of her close. When she spoke again she didn't raise her head and it was so muffled he had to ask her to repeat herself. She lifted her head, resting her dark eyes on him.
'I love you, William Manderly,' she said and Billy was pretty sure in that moment that his full heart did indeed burst. Sarah gave a little squeak when he picked her up but then laughed, a sound rich with happiness, and continued to laugh until he hushed her by kissing her soundly again.
By the time sun had reached its zenith Billy was reasonably confident that he had thoroughly assuaged all Sarah's misgivings and doubts regarding his feelings for her. He gave a satisfied groan and stretched lazily before curling himself around her and resting his head on her chest. The muted thump of her heartbeat under his ear was somehow soothing and the feel of her soft skin under his fingertips as he traced patterns on her bare stomach so enthralling that Billy could quite happily have stayed exactly as he was forever. Sarah idly combed a hand through his hair, raking her nails gently across his scalp and he had to supress the pleasurable shiver that ran through him as he tried to concentrate on her words.
'Jack said they would return for us in three months, and if we have found the cache then he has promised to take us all the way to Philadelphia, although he says from there we are on our own. We could go north, maybe to New York, or find a ship to take us somewhere else. Anne says that you did well when you led the resistance in Nassau. The English were so focussed on Long John Silver that hardly any descriptions of you were circulated, so as long as we avoid the haunts of pirates we are unlikely to encounter anyone who would know you.' She said it all in rush and then fell silent. Billy could feel the slight tension in her frame as she waited for his response. His hand stilled and he found he could barely breathe as she outlined her plans for their future, resolute and practical as always.
Despite his present happiness doubt still lurked, that all he wished might be snatched away if he dared to dream but he found her pragmatism reassuring and that, and the warmth of her body pressed against him, helped to calm his fears. He swallowed down all his emotions and cleared his throat to say, 'That's good.'
It wasn't the most enthusiastic of rejoinders but Sarah seemed satisfied so Billy could only assume she understood the reason for his diffidence. At any rate he felt her relax and her hand resume stroking his head as she continued, 'Anne gave me a few more items that might be of use, and I raided their rum stock, so provided you can control yourself and don't do anything dangerous we shouldn't run out,' He could hear the teasing smile in her voice and it warmed him. He felt momentarily carefree and rejoiced in the unfamiliar feeling.
'I'll do my best,' he promised with mock solemnity.
'I was hoping that we might be able to get a dairy goat but there was no way of smuggling it off the ship without the men noticing,' she said after a moment of contemplation.
Billy couldn't help himself, he grinned. 'You steal a man's favourite goat, he's bound to notice.'
She shifted slightly under him, her hand pausing in his hair.
'Do the men have favourites? I wouldn't have thought they would have much interest in the goats.'
'Well, a man can get lonely at sea.'
'Lonely? I don't see how the goats would help with…oh!'
Billy chuckled wryly and propped himself up on his elbows so he could take in her wide eyed and shocked expression. She thought for a moment, lips slightly pursed and a pensive frown marring the smooth line of her forehead, and then asked hesitantly, 'Have you ever…?'
He gave a whoop of laughter, 'Fuck no, I've never reached that stage of loneliness!'
'That's a relief, I'm not sure how I would feel about that.'
'No sure? I think it's acceptable for you to be utterly disgusted and leave it at that!' he said with a grin, leaning forward to kiss her.
She accepted the kiss but he could see her mind was still distracted by his revelation and as he gazed at her she shook her head slowly.
'The dairy goat?' she muttered in mystification and Billy couldn't help but start laughing again.