Surprisingly few Bad Awful Things in this chapter! Don't worry, it won't last. We seem to have gone from "hit the hyperdrive chewie" speed to "a bit quicker than we update other stuff" speed but it's still Pretty Not Bad.
(Also please don't mind the Birmingham-bullying, my co-author's a dickhead but I live here so I can't exactly disagree.)
Names:
Lyubov- Ukraine
Hunapo- New Zealand
They were 18 when they got their results.
Layla drove them up to school in her car on the day. The boys were sat in the back seat, fidgeting and trying not to look at each other, or throw up. Every time they drove over a speed bump, Eduard turned a little more green. As far as Logan was concerned, Eduard had no right to be nervous. Even after his marks slipped when he was living in that hotel, he'd brought them back up with ease. It would take more than that to knock down Mr Predicted-Straight-A*s.
Still, he could empathise with his shaking hands and nibbled nails, the muscles in his body threatening to snap. Eduard would get in, no challenge at all, with his genius brain and Grade 8 Piano under his belt, but Logan wasn't like him. He couldn't sit down and absorb all that knowledge in one go, like he could. He was more the type to coast by on what he could and hope for the best. That had worked out pretty well for him at GCSE, but at A-level most of his teachers were a little tired of his shit. Not to mention A-levels had been harder than anything he'd ever done before. It had almost taken the fun out of biology. There was a part of him that hoped he wouldn't get into uni, just so he wouldn't have to do what was probably the hardest work possible.
But the thing about living with Eduard was that the guy forced you to try and get on his level, to actually sit down and study. The instinct to get home and immediately start working wasn't so beaten into Logan as it was to him, but when Eduard was revising, he always felt he should be too. It wasn't an ideal way of working, not permanently - when Eduard burnt out, he burnt out hard - but at least it came in handy in the lead-up to exams.
Even better, Eduard actually taught him to study the way he did. He'd talk things through with him even when he had no idea what the textbook was going on about, and get around his dyslexia with doodles and diagrams on his flashcards. He suspected Eduard wanted him to get into university more than he did. He didn't blame him- in the months after he moved in, the colour slowly came back into his face. All that summer, all that time avoiding Logan, he'd been homesick. He didn't want to be so far from him again.
He found Eduard's excitement about university a little infectious. At first, he dreaded it a little, but Eduard pointed out he'd be happier doing, as he put it, "stuff with fish", that he'd have him with him every step of the way to help him out, and that he could do better work afterwards. It was the latter that really persuaded him. He wanted to give Harry the best life he could. Not only to spite everyone who thought she would have little in the way of a future, but to give her everything she could ever need.
Layla stayed in her car while the boys made their terrified way into the school hall. They spotted Tino and Berwald in the corner with their own results. After Eduard told him what Gunner had done, Tino had decided to completely ditch the guy and cut him out of his life. The act caused a rift in the group, with Berwald taking Tino and Eduard's side, and Kjetil staying with Gunner, even defending the guy. It hurt Eduard - he thought they were friends - but he was happy with his little group of four.
"Hey!" Tino bounded over, waving his results in their faces. "All Bs! Not bad, huh? Ber got a few As too!"
"Congrats, guys," Eduard smiled nervously, trying not to think of every possible mistake he could've made in his own exams.
"You'll come visit us in Birmingham, right?"
"Eeh, Birmingham? I dunno. It's kinda stinky and scary. And the accents are bad."
"First of all, the accents are hilarious. Plus they have a good Christmas market."
"Is that the only attraction?"
"Pretty much."
"I'll come over at Christmas, then. Bet it's nothing on Tallinn." Every few Decembers, they went up to visit their grandmother in Estonia. It was best they didn't go any more frequently than that - Eliisabet and her sister were far from being on good terms and the same went for Anton and just about the whole family, his own wife and son included. On those holidays, Tino and Eduard tended to stay out of their family's way, playing games on Tino's laptop in their shared room. The only real highlights of the trip were the Christmas market in Tallinn and each other's company.
"Biggest outside Germany, actually."
"Did a Brummie tell you that?"
Tino laughed and punched his arm. "I'm sure it's great. We'll have to see."
"Yeah, alright, come on, let's get this over with." Logan didn't look happy at all. In fact, he looked like he was on the verge of throwing up; it was the same expression he'd worn after having his first jagerbomb.
Eduard put his hand on his back. "I'm sure you did great."
"Easy for you to say. Little genius."
"You've been working really hard. I'm sure you got it."
Logan just shrugged, making his way to a row of tables. Logan stopped at the one bearing the sign A-G whilst Eduard continued down to H-M. He found his name, and picked up the envelope with shaking hands. This was it. The moment he'd been building up to pretty much all his life. Cambridge didn't accept anyone through clearing, but there were several closer universities he'd applied to that were more than happy to accept him. He whittled the choices down to ones that would also take Logan, and accepted one in the next town over.
He and Logan had already sorted out their accommodation: a two-bed flat whose rent would be paid for with some combination of student loans and wages. There was also a dining room that could easily become a third bedroom for Harry. The boys had already visited, planned where everything was going to go, and been out shopping for a whole new set of kitchen equipment. Eduard was going to have his own room again, a place to live away from parents, and he could go to uni too. So he could have both; Gunner really knew nothing.
Of course, everything depended on his exam results. Which would be fine. Surely? He'd had his fair share of getting the shit kicked out of him by life; couldn't something just go right for him?
He almost tore the envelope as he opened it, his hands were shaking. He wondered if he'd throw up right in front of the entire sixth form.
He looked down at the paper.
Maths, Further Maths, Physics, Computing.
Four A*s stared back at him.
It took a full minute for it to sink in, then a grin spread across his face and he did something that was a cross between a dance and a bounce, then spun on his heel to find Logan, hunched in the corner, looking down at his own results with utter heartbreak.
Oh… oh no .
"Logan?" he said softly, walking over and placing a hand on his arm. Was it worse than he'd hoped? Of course it was; Logan looked on the verge of tears. And suddenly, everything was crashing down. Weren't they going to uni together? No, Logan could retake and join him in a year. No wait, he couldn't live on his own; he'd never have enough money.
Logan said nothing and handed him the results.
Biology: B
P.E.: A
Geography: C
Eduard blinked. "Wait, these are good." They were all higher than his predicted grades. The geography teacher had given him a predicted grade of E! What the hell was he so sad about?
Logan burst out laughing.
"You bellend!" Eduard slapped him on the arm, "you utter twat! I thought I was going to have to leave you behind!"
Logan pretended to collapse against the wall, looking betrayed. "You would just leave me? And go off on your own?"
"Without a second thought, if you're just gonna be dead weight." He nudged him. "Glad you can come with me, though. It'd be lonely without you."
Logan grinned. "We're gonna have so much fun! That is, if you managed to get good results. It's kinda on the fence. Could go either way."
Eduard laughed, rolled his eyes and handed him his results. He looked at them and smiled proudly. "What did I tell ya? You probably got the highest results in the school!"
Eduard smiled. He could've gotten into Cambridge easily, then. He told himself it didn't matter, that as long as he was going to uni, it was fine, but he'd desperately wanted to go. It was where Stephen Hawking had gone!
"You're too good for Cambridge," said Logan, reading his mind.
"How'd you figure that out?"
He shrugged. "Come on, it's full of posh pricks with weird clubs and initiations. Could you imagine having to live with future politicians?"
Eduard laughed at that. "Okay, you have a point."
"Uni's gonna be way more fun, with us going together." Logan nudged him gently.
"Loges, we're going there to study, not party all the time."
"I know. And I'm hardly gonna be partying with a toddler in the house. Or staying out late all the time. But there are societies and stuff we can join, and we'll still be living together! God, I can't wait."
Eduard smiled at the thought. He'd enjoyed studying with Logan in the weeks before their exams. They could do that all the time at uni, getting out the alcohol when Harry had gone to bed and coming up with different, stupid, ways to remember everything. "Yeah, me neither."
Just as Tino and Berwald were congratulating him, Eduard saw Gunner enter the hall with Kjetil, and stiffened. He tried not to look too terrified as he ducked behind Logan, because he didn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing him like that, but he liked the protection of the others. Logan, touched his arm, everyone crowding around and making sure Gunner had no chance of seeing him.
"I thought he was expelled," said Tino, raising an eyebrow. Although Layla had not convinced him to go to the police, Eduard had gone to the head of sixth form, with Logan to back him up, to ask to be moved to a different seat in maths. Of course, after finding out, Gunner had been called in. With no choice but to admit he'd abused a fellow student, he'd been kicked out.
"Must've let him sit his exams," Logan replied, and Eduard nodded.
"Yeah, he was in my maths exam." Eduard was surprised he'd done so well in that one; Gunner had been a few rows in front of him, and he'd struggled to hold his pen he'd sweated so much. But he'd done it. Gunner was insanely lazy about his schoolwork, but Eduard was standing tall with his 4 A-levels and a future.
Gunner hadn't defeated him.
"We're off," said Logan, "mum's gonna wanna know how well we did, and go home and bake a cake."
Tino licked his lips. "I might pop over later then, if that's okay with you."
Eduard smiled. "She'd be happy to have you. You too, Ber."
"We could have a few drinks to celebrate!" cried Logan, "and, you know, because we're going to be in different parts of the country and it might be a while before we hang out again."
"Sounds fun," Eduard clung to his shirt, "but can we get outta here first? I don't feel… excellent. With him here, I mean."
Eduard's friends formed a ring around him, ushering him out of the hall without Gunner seeing. As soon as they were out of the school and Layla was in sight, Eduard and Logan rushed over to her.
"So?" she asked anxiously, hands clasped together.
"We passed!" cried Logan, "by a long shot!" He handed her his results and Eduard followed. Layla scanned them both, and pulled both of them into a hug with a squeal. Eduard was certain he felt his spine snap.
"Oh my god I'm so proud of you! My special, smart boys!"
"Guess I've set the bar now," said Logan, "ABC, see if my sisters can beat that. On second thought they probably will."
"I'm not having my kids compete," Layla told him, "you're all smart and I'm proud of you all, whatever you get."
"Even me?" asked Eduard.
She gently pulled him down to her level and kissed the top of his head. "Of course, son."
"What if I became a wildlife presenter?" Logan sipped at his beer, lying upside down on the slide. He coughed and spluttered as beer went up his nose. The others laughed, Eduard almost choking as his own pint went down the wrong hole. Logan rolled off the slide, coughed until he was purple in the face, and collapsed on the grass.
"I think people would watch you make a tit of yourself," Eduard agreed.
"What about you?" asked Tino. "What do you want to be?"
Eduard shrugged. "Something with computers, I guess." Even though he loved astrophysics, his mother had put him off actually following a career in it. Computers it was. Even if his parents hadn't pushed computers on him since he was tiny, there wasn't much else he was good at. Or enjoyed.
"You can do anything you want," Tino nudged him gently, "you make sure to do something you actually enjoy."
"I know. It's not because of my parents. We don't even talk anymore. I just like computers. What about you?"
Tino shrugged. "I still have high hopes for forming a band. Surely there are gonna be enough people on the music course into metal." He nudged Berwald. "What about you?"
He shrugged. "Childcare?"
"You'd make a good teacher," Tino agreed. Berwald was a tall, intimidating man, but he was kind and fair, and commanded a great deal of respect. Eduard could see him being a good teacher. And one that wouldn't take any shit. He just hoped Berwald never had to deal with an annoying know-it-all who kept correcting him. It was a wonder Eduard hadn't driven any of his own teachers insane.
Logan pulled himself off the grass and joined them, in plastic chairs scattered across the patio. "Well, whatever we end up doing, I think things are gonna be alright from now on."
The night before he left, Eduard called his parents. He wasn't totally sure why. It just felt right to at least tell them where he was going. He went out to the back garden, knowing any of the Coopers would discourage him if they caught him. They wouldn't stop him, of course, they'd just tell him what every ounce of common sense in him was already telling him. That they weren't worth the trouble. They were still his parents, even if, as far as they were concerned, he wasn't their son anymore. But with every ring, Eduard considered aborting mission just a little bit more.
"You've reached the mobile of Dr Eliisabet Tarkas, PhD. Leave a message after the tone."
His heart sank. Of course they wouldn't answer him. What had he expected? Still. Worth a shot, right?
"Hello, mum. It's Eduard. Obviously. Nobody else calls you mum." No one else had had such bad luck. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Anyway, I, um… I wanted to let you know I'm going to university after all. Not Cambridge, but I'm going. I broke up with Gunner and applied through clearing, and I got straight A*s so I'm in. I've been staying with Logan the last few months. We're going together. We leave tomorrow morning. I think now I'm not your son anymore, I can get away with saying his family is the only one I've ever had. Sorry. No. No, I'm not, actually. I'm right. Anyway. See you. Or not. Bye."
He hung up and stuffed his phone in his pocket.
"Parents?"
Eduard jumped. Logan was stood behind him, leaning on the doorway between the kitchen and the back garden.
"I- just a message. They didn't pick up. I know, I know, it's a stupid idea, I just-"
Logan stepped out into the garden, joining him. "Hey, I get it. You're allowed to call your mum and dad."
"Former mum and dad. You don't think it's a terrible idea?"
"It's the worst idea. But it's not my choice, is it? You do what you need to do."
"Thanks." Eduard sat on the swingset, creaky from years of sitting around in the back garden. "Just catching them up on everything."
"Just telling them how well you're doing without them?" Logan joined him, trying a little swing of his own, but quickly deciding against it as it groaned concerningly. "Think they'll be less inclined to throw you to the curb now you're going to uni?"
"Probably. I hope so. Or… I don't know. I shouldn't hope so, not really. I'm not sure they're worth the trouble."
"Mate, there's no "should" about this. You feel how you want to."
"Still. It's kinda dumb."
"Yeah, well, it's about time you were kinda dumb." He punched his arm gently. "Fucking genius. You need knocking down a few pegs."
They both chuckled, swinging back and forth gently. Eduard looked at Logan. The light of the kitchen's back window brushed him with gold. He closed his eyes when he laughed, the corners of his eyes and bridge of his nose creasing as his shoulders trembled. He glanced back at Eduard. He averted his eyes, then looked back up at him. They shared a smile.
After a long moment, Eduard broke the silence. "Did you know my mum introduces herself as "Dr Eliisabet Tarkas, PhD" on her answerphone message? It's like she'd implode if she went too long without mentioning it."
Logan snorted. "What a bitch."
He grinned and leaned back, pulling on the ropes. "I think she's overcompensating for something. I'm assuming it's the state of her marriage."
They both burst into laughter, the kind of laughter that never really needed anything all that funny to prompt, but could last forever. The kind of laughter that, once it gradually faded to slow panting, left them both unsure as to what exactly was so funny, but certain that the other was quite possibly their favourite person on earth.
"We'll miss you," Layla covered her boys in kisses, standing outside a car completely laden with everything they could possibly need for living alone, from bedsheets and notebooks to a giant box of beer. Harry was already strapped into her baby seat, eating raisins and gurgling happily. It was eight in the morning, so Logan looked exhausted, trying his best not to act too grumpy as his parents took pictures, handed him a tin of fudge, asked a billion times if they were sure they'd packed everything (they had; Eduard had made an inventory weeks ago) and started sobbing at their big, grown boys going off to uni by themselves. Mr and Mrs Cooper promised they'd be over to visit soon, and Logan and Eduard promised to be good, keep their place tidy, and be wise with their money. Layla also made Logan promise to do his share of the housework and not leave Eduard to cook everything just because he happened to be better at it. He couldn't help beaming at that, even when Logan stuck his tongue out at him.
Just as Eduard was about to get into the car, he caught a middle aged couple power-walking up the road.
"Well, that's weird and ominous," Logan commented.
"They came." Leaving the door open, Eduard swallowed and walked up the pavement to meet his parents. Layla stood behind him, glaring up at them, but staying quiet.
Eliisabet and Anton stood there in the middle of the pavement. Eduard stared them down.
She nodded at him politely. "Eduard."
He addressed them each the same way. "Eliisabet. Anton."
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah. Make it quick."
They exchanged a look, then Anton spoke. "We came to see you off. Just to say goodbye."
"Why? Why now?"
Anton's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. He wasn't used to Eduard being so bold. Neither was Eduard. "We realise our decisions may have been… rash."
"Rash!?" Layla raised an eyebrow. "You kicked your child out! He was homeless!"
Eduard turned to her and smiled. "I've got it handled, mum, give me a moment."
Layla was about to protest, but nodded and stepped back, ready to start throwing fists if they did anything. And she would. Eliisabet still had a tiny bald spot from where she'd yanked out a clump of hair; Eduard had gotten in trouble for smirking at it as a child.
Right now, Eliisabet looked… shocked? Remorseful? Eduard didn't know - he'd never seen that expression on her - but she didn't seem too happy about Layla usurping her as Eduard's mother.
Eduard smoothed his shirt and took a breath. He started speaking in Estonian - this was a matter between him, Anton and Eliisabet alone. "Why did you come here? After you threw me out? Why do you make an effort when you clearly don't care what happens to me? I could have been living on the street, or dead, or been abducted, but that was alright, was it? Because I wasn't going to uni?"
"We just…" Anton cleared his throat. "Your mother and I just wanted what was best for you. We didn't want you throwing your future away over a boy."
"You didn't want me doing anything with a boy."
Eliisabet huffed. "That's nonsense-"
"Oh, really? So you're saying if Gunner was a woman, you'd have done the same thing? You're saying you didn't scoff about "this whole bisexual thing" when you thought I was upstairs? Or look at me like I'd just whipped my dick out at the dinner table whenever I brought him up?"
"Don't be disgusting!"
"Am I wrong, Eliisabet?"
She didn't reply.
"Funny thing is, you didn't seem to have so much of a problem with how Gunner wouldn't let me see my best friend. Or how I wasn't going to uni because he'd bullied and guilted me and tried to control me. Or how that evening, when you caught us together, what we were doing was in no way consensual."
"You shouldn't talk about those things lightly, Eduard."
"I'm not! Gunner abused me!"
"Don't exaggerate," Anton scoffed.
Eduard blinked at him, almost in shock. "Exaggerate?"
"People disagree, miscommunicate, it happens. That's just the way relationships are sometimes."
He shook his head. The past few months had been spent flip-flopping around in his head, alternating between playing down what Gunner had done, worrying he had exaggerated the level of abuse, telling himself that it wasn't that bad, and telling that part of him - the part that spoke to him in Gunner's voice - to shut up. "Like you'd know anything about that."
Eduard was about to disappear into the car, but Anton spoke up.
"Wait!"
Eduard, despite himself, stopped and turned back to them.
"Before you go, I thought I'd give you this." He took an envelope from his coat pocket. "We started saving it, when you were a child. There's quite a lot here. Just to tide you over."
He took it off him. "Thanks." He didn't even look at it, he just handed it over to Logan without a second thought. He didn't want their bribes, and Logan was the one with the little girl, after all. "You can go now."
Anton nodded, apparently accepting defeat. He reached over and gently squeezed his arm. "Good job on your marks, Eduard."
Eduard didn't reply. He just turned his back on them and got into the car, and if he saw them again it would be too soon. As they went their separate ways, Eduard touched his arm where Anton had squeezed it. It was too little too late and everyone knew it, but he wondered when Anton had last touched him, or told him he'd done a good job. His arm was almost tingling.
Logan sat behind him, next to Harry. "Ed, there's a lot of money in here. Like, a shit ton."
He nodded. "Don't spend it all at once."
"You're giving me all of it?"
"Every penny. He's trying to buy me off. Classic Anton move. It's the only reason I have a PlayStation. Get yourself and Harry something nice."
Logan glanced down at the envelope, nodded, and stashed it away. "Ready?"
"Yeah." He leaned out the car window. "Bye mum, bye dad!" He waved to Mr and Mrs Cooper, just to really drive it in to Anton and Eliisabet's retreating backs. He wasn't talking to them, and would never again think of them as his parents.
"Here we are, then," Logan flopped onto the sofa, "our own place."
"I wish we had our timetables already," Eduard sighed as he pinned up his corkboard next to the TV, so they would have to look at it and know exactly what they should be studying instead. Logan gave a whine at the sight of their blank revision timetables.
"Okay, can I make a rule where we don't talk about work during freshers week?"
"Even when we get our timetables? Don't we need to organise who's looking after Harry and when?"
"Okay, one exception. But besides that, we're signing up to societies, making friends, and exploring."
"But no partying," Eduard warned him, "and don't try and drag me to any clubs."
"Please, Eddie, I'm a responsible father now. I've never seen an alcohol in my life!" He said that as he unloaded beer into the fridge.
"Uh huh." Eduard watched him pack the fridge, found another box of Harry's toys, and took it into her room. She was running in circles, squealing at having her own bedroom. When she saw him, she bolted over to hug his legs, messy hair flying everywhere. She had the same hair as her grandfather, Eduard had noticed: long and dirty blonde and sticking out everywhere.
"Someone's happy," he said, setting the box down and ruffling her hair. Her dolls were already laid out neatly on a little shelf, and her arts and crafts things were in a box next to a coffee table Logan had shoved next to her bed to act as a desk. "Do you like your new room?"
"Yes!" She pulled a pile of drawings out of a box, along with a lump of bluetack. "Help?"
Eduard put up all her drawings, as per her specific instructions, to brighten the room up (with their budget, it was hardly new, and the walls may have been white at some point, but right now they were decidedly grey). She then made him 'help' (do by himself while she supervised) with making the bed and hanging up her clothes. By the time he'd finished making her room look perfect and walked back out into the main living area, he found Logan had unpacked the kitchen and was covering his room in superhero and action movie posters.
"Should I have left these at home?" he asked when Eduard joined him. "I mean, they're cool for a teenage boy's room, but what if I bring someone home and they get freaked out staring at Wolverine?"
Eduard wouldn't blame them one bit. "It's your room, man. Wait, 'someone'? Not sticking to girls then?"
Logan shrugged. "Yeah, gonna be out and proud. You can do that at uni, right?"
"I guess? Uni's supposed to be more accepting than high school."
"Good. I will date boys! I will date anyone and everyone!"
Well, by that logic, Eduard supposed it was only a matter of time before they dated too. There was hope. He was happy to let his best friend be a complete ho and get it out of his system while he got over his traumatic fear of dating people, though.
"You can't date everyone, Logan."
"Shut up or I'll date you."
"Is that a promise or a threat?"
Logan may have blushed. "Yes. I'll date the shit outta you, whenever you're nice and ready. Like, a friendship date or something. If you're ever feeling lonely, we can go out and have a laugh. No homo."
"'No homo'? Really Logan? Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's what some people would consider "hanging out together"."
"Yeah, that." He smiled. "I'd love to hang out with you a lot."
"The money was for you and Harry," Eduard commented, watching Harry run around in her new pikachu onesie. "Have you just bought stuff for her?"
Logan shrugged. "She doesn't get new stuff often; it's all Allirea's old crap. Thought I'd treat her. I'd rather the rest go towards rent, or, like, emergency funds." He certainly had treated her, not that Eduard wouldn't do the exact same; he loved Harry like she was his own kid. He wondered if it was too early for Harry to have her own computer.
"And that bag of stuff that's clearly for me?"
Logan shifted. "Just… well, I saw them and thought you'd like them."
He passed Eduard the bag.
"DVDs?" He smiled.
"Yeah, you had to leave all yours behind so I thought you could start your own collection." He'd thought about it. Any DVDs he'd owned were back in Anton and Eliisabet's house, besides the one Empire Strikes Back special edition he'd stolen out of spite.
The rest of his presents included a new, fluffy turtleneck, slippers, a t-shirt reading "I hope you like 'Han shot first' rants because that's kinda my thing" (definitely intended to bully him), a cookbook of his own, and a colour-changing mug.
Eduard tried not to tear up at the sight.
"I love you," he whispered, then coughed awkwardly. "You know. As a friend. A homie. My bro. My brrr...ead slice."
"Your bread slice?"
"Shut up, I'm emotional!" He buried his face in his turtleneck. "You're too nice."
"Yeah, well, you deserve it. You deserve to just… have people be nice to you."
Eduard nodded, not quite sure that to say to that. It felt weird, like he was being put on the spot. Like he was delicate and needed pity and he didn't like it.
"Everyone does," Logan added, "don't think too much of it; that's what friends are for." He squeezed his shoulder.
Eduard nodded. "Right, so if you don't mind, I'd like to take some of that money to get you something." Logan looked at him, then hesitantly handed over the envelope. "Fine, one small thing. But the rest has to go into a saving account."
"Deal."
Eduard didn't buy him one small thing - he bought him a full rugby kit, despite knowing nothing about rugby other than Logan loved it and had joined the university rugby team, and that every member of that team could probably tear him in half. At least the guy at the shop had had the patience to explain what a gumshield was and didn't laugh at him for not knowing a thing about sport as a concept. He even got the… erm… Australian rugby kit. Not the All Blacks - they were the South African team or something; he'd forgotten what Logan had said about them. What was their name? The Wallabies! He felt like he'd heard Logan mention that before, but any talk of rugby tended to turn his brain to static.
All he could honestly say on the subject was that Logan looked very good in a rugby kit. A lifetime of actually getting out and playing sports had really bulked the guy out, and even the weird, gross green and yellow colours didn't stop him from looking good, and from showing off the muscle he'd acquired over the past few years.
Maybe it had been a mistake, Eduard realised, because he wanted to melt into the ground at the sight of the shirt stretched against his boobies. Pecs. They were pecs and Logan didn't like it when he called them his boobies.
"Is it too tight?" he asked.
"No, it's great! Means no one can grab onto me." Logan was now rubbing his butt through the material, admiring it in the mirror.
Eduard absolutely wanted to grab onto him. And kiss him. And let Logan do whatever he wanted to him. "Anyway, got, err, got studying to do. In my room. Alone."
"We haven't had a lesson ye-"
"I have to study!" And he disappeared into his bedroom for a very long time.
"Sorry I'm late!" Logan squeaked as he cowered under the glare of his lecturer. 20 minutes late. His second lecture too, but rugby practice last night had completely destroyed him, physically, and he was struggling to move his limbs. And his lungs. And as if things weren't already bad, he had Harry strapped to his chest, slightly covered in chocolate sprinkles.
"That toddler must be a genius if she's doing a degree in marine biology at her age," came Mr Kirkland's dry reply.
"I couldn't find a babysitter," said Logan, sinking into the nearest seat, "it's just for one lesson; she'll be good as gold!"
Mr Kirkland didn't look happy about it at all, but decided to go back to his powerpoint instead. Logan hissed at Harry to be a good girl, and not make noise, and tried to take notes. Eduard promised to go through all the course's powerpoints with him too, but he still wanted to try and make his own notes. And learn. Luckily, there were plenty of diagrams to tide him over.
Everything went well, until about five minutes before the lecture ended, when Harry got up and exclaimed she had 'done enough learning' and the class completely lost it.
Logan rarely knocked on Eduard's door - after sharing a room for the past few months, it felt weird. Eduard didn't mind. In fact, he quite liked their little open door policy, provided neither of them were jacking off. Which they often were. Logan barged into his room and sat on his bed.
"Hey, wanna go get a drink?"
Eduard glanced up from his half-finished Visual Basic project. From where Logan was sitting, he could only see colourful lines of nonsense. It was bizarre to him how that could translate to some game. Eduard really was a genius. "I've got to do stuff."
"When's it due?"
"It's not. I'm doing my own thing."
"You've been working all week, Eddie. It's Friday evening and it's the Christmas holidays soon. Come on. I'm getting my mate to babysit, we can go get a few drinks. It'll be fun."
He opened his mouth to protest, but then didn't. "Alright. Fine. But nothing too loud."
"It's cool, I know a little pub that's having an open mic night. No noisy clubs, I promise."
Eduard narrowed his eyes at him. "I'm not performing either."
"Never said you had to. We can just get a drink and chill. Hang out. Take the piss out of people. But if you do, that would be really cool."
Eduard raised his eyebrows.
"Worth a shot. You have a good voice."
"Flattery will get you nowhere."
Logan huffed dramatically. "Guess I'll have to make do with your shower singing."
"Sorry about that."
He shook his head. "Nah, nah, it's sweet. I mean, it's nice. Your voice, that is."
"Again, Logan, it'll get you nowhere. Now get out." He gently shoved his shoulder. "I need to get changed."
"What? You look fine, just come as you are!"
"We're having a night out; I'm dressing smart. Go. Get your babysitter friend here. I wanna catch all the pretentious ukulele hipsters."
A while later, they left the flat, Logan almost floored by the December cold before he'd even stepped outside. He was wrapped up in as many layers as he could get away with, but still started shivering within seconds. Eduard rolled his eyes, and made sure to pick at his own thin jacket in plain view.
Logan nudged him playfully. Should he have mentioned this was a date? Well, it wasn't. Except it was. He'd implied it, quite forgetting Eduard was completely dense about these kinds of things and he should've explicitly stated he liked him instead. Except that sounded scary. Still, they were going out, having fun, and what happened would happen. The atmosphere was so beautiful in the run up to Christmas, and Eduard had really come out of his shell. Sure, he'd not made any friends, but he contributed to discussions in his seminars, and smiled more. And sure did love to nag Logan about keeping their flat tidy, and not drinking milk straight from the bottle.
He still had a way to go, though. After Gunner, he'd retreated away a little. It was like the tide had gone out. He seemed so much more anxious and closed-off. He was getting better, though, bit by bit. Logan, of course, took every opportunity to build him up, compliment him, let him do things on his own to build his confidence.
Bit by bit, that spark was coming back.
"After you," Logan held the door to the pub open for him, and Eduard laughed at the gesture sweetly.
Most of the performers were mediocre at best. Eduard was more focused on his drink than the music. Still, he watched politely, giving each of them a chance and offering his generally cynical commentary to Logan. He elbowed him in the middle of some poorly-written breakup song.
"Whoever that guy's singing about, I neither envy nor blame her. I'd break up with this guy too, on account of his beard at the very least."
Logan snorted, almost spitting out his beer. "God, it's terrible. It looks like pubes."
"It does! Or like a really threadbare carpet stuck on with those shitty glue sticks from school."
"He should come to us for metaphor-writing tips."
"They're similes, you dumbass."
Logan rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
Pubes-beard stepped off the stage, replaced by a tall woman in a pale blue jumper and a denim jacket.
She adjusted the strap of her guitar, then leaned into the mic. "Evening. Thanks for coming out. Is that a thing people say at these, or is that more a big concert thing? I don't know. Thanks for coming out regardless, I guess. I'm Lyubov Shevchenko. Any Slavs in the crowd? No? Alright, call me Lou, then."
Eduard chuckled. She seemed nice.
"I should probably shut up and sing something. Hope you enjoy." She strummed the opening notes of a soft, sad melody. Something old. 60s . "I've been out walking," she sang, "I don't do too much walking these days."
For once, Eduard had nothing to mutter to Logan under his breath. She was genuinely a good singer - her voice was soft, tinged with her Eastern European accent. Her hips swayed just barely to the music, but she wasn't dancing, not really, just keeping the gentle rhythm. The tacky disco lights played on her face, changing the colours of her white-blonde hair. Logan looked to Eduard, expecting some snide comment. Instead, he was transfixed, tapping the beat on the floor with his foot and mouthing along to the words. As the song came to an end, he leaned over to Logan.
"She's good."
"And an absolute jugasaurus rex."
Eduard punched him. "I'm talking about the song here!"
"But they are huge."
Eduard had to agree with him there. Not that he was looking. "A little. But that voice, though."
"Oh, yeah. She has really big… musical talent."
"Oh, shut up! She's a good singer!"
Seeing an opportunity to make Eduard try to be less of a reclusive hermit for once, Logan nodded over to where she was sitting, vodka in hand, chatting to a bartender. "Go tell her."
"What? No, she'll think I'm being a creep."
He shrugged. "Don't be creepy, then. Just… go up, say you enjoyed her music, and maybe ask some questions about herself. People love talking about themselves."
Eduard did not look happy about that at all.
Logan nudged him. "Come on. You haven't made any friends here yet."
"Harry and I have become quite good friends, actually. Now that she's two and able to hold a conversation. Sorta. She told me how scary Spiderman was yesterday."
"You need friends other than me and my daughter."
"That sounds false."
"Eddie, go talk to her and I'll buy you a drink."
Eduard bit his lip. Ha! He'd got him there! "And by drink you mean, like, ten shots?"
"Ten? That what it'll take to get you to talk to Lou?"
"Yup. And it's Lyubov. Technically."
"Not all of us are Eastern European. Go." He nudged him in her direction. "I'll get you your drinks."
Wow. He hadn't expected that to work. He didn't even want that much, he just wanted to see how far Logan would go. He awkwardly shuffled towards her, rehearsing some sort of greeting in his head. Why had he let him convince him this was a good idea?
She spotted him awkwardly standing beside her, waiting for a break in the conversation. This was already going wonderfully. Luckily, she didn't seem to take offense. She turned to him and smiled. It was a warm sort of smile, or maybe Eduard was just blushing.
"Can I help you?"
"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to, uh, compliment you." He gestured at the stage vaguely. "On your voice, that is. It's nice."
Her smile went from warm to bright - it lit up the whole bar.
"Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it."
"I'm glad my roommate dragged me here." He glanced up at Logan, who gestured at him to carry on. "Lyubov, right?"
"Yeah. Good memory. Most people over here stick to "Lou", I've learnt to embrace it."
"I'm Estonian, I get it. When people pronounce "Eduard" like "Edward", I just don't bother correcting them anymore."
"Ooh! Estonia's beautiful. Nice to meet you, Eduard ." She shook his hand. Her hands were warm.
He leaned on the bar. "Where are you from?"
"Born in Ukraine, raised between here, Russia and Belarus. My family's a mess like that."
"It results in a very pleasing accent. It works well with the song."
"Thank you! The, uh, the original singer was German. You could really hear it in her voice. I tried to sort of incorporate mine in the same way." She tucked her hair behind her ear. "I don't know if it works, but I like singing in my accent."
"It works. It's really beautiful."
"Your voice is lovely too. Your talking voice, I mean. Soft."
"Thanks. I used to have an accent when I was little, a really strong one, but it sort of faded. I used to hate it, kids used to take the piss out of it, but now I kinda miss it."
"You can kind of hear it. I mean, you don't sound 100% English."
"Well, that's a relief. Mind if I sit? Only until my roommate comes over to interrupt, I promise."
"Go ahead," she laughed.
Eduard took a seat at the bar next to her. He saw her glance at his arm, still scarred after all this time.
"Pasta-making accident," he offered by way of explanation.
"How'd you manage that?"
"I was a little kid," he shrugged, then decided to change the subject before she questioned why a little kid was making pasta. "How long have you been singing?"
"About as long as I can remember. I've been playing guitar since I was about 8, maybe 9. Do you sing?"
"Not properly, but Logan has to suffer my shower singing. Apparently it's good, but I think he's just being nice. I also play piano."
"I'm sure it's wonderful. How long have you been playing?"
"7 years. Logan's dad got me into it, and then I started getting lessons."
"So you and him go way back?"
"Oh, yeah. I barely remember not knowing him. He's my best friend. Speaking of, what's taking him?" He glanced over his shoulder. "Oh, he's found someone to chat up. Of course he has."
"Which one's he?"
"The huge, loud Aussie." He pointed him out. "He's hitting on the little goth guy."
Logan let out a booming laugh, taking a slug of beer.
Lyubov's eyebrows shot up. "You two seem… an unlikely pair."
Eduard shrugged. "You know how it is when an extrovert finds and adopts an introvert. Full disclosure, he had to bribe me to even attempt a conversation. I don't normally do this."
"Does that make me special?"
"I think it probably does. Can I get you a drink? It's on Logan. I wanted to see how desperate he was to get me talking to people, so I asked him to get me ten shots for it. I definitely don't need that many. Can I interest you in another five vodkas? All you have to do in return is convince Logan I completely nailed this encounter."
She threw her head back and laughed. "That sounds tough. Make it six."
He grimaced. "Oh, you drive a hard bargain. You're a woman after my own heart." He stood up. "Come on."
Logan looked up when they joined him. "Hey! You've made a friend!"
"Apparently so. Logan, Lyubov, Lyubov, Logan."
"Good to meet you."
She took a seat at Eduard's side. "Good to meet you too. Thanks for forcing him to talk to me. Honestly, I'm struggling to make many friends."
"So's he." Logan shook Eduard's shoulder. "Fucking loser just does homework and plays video games."
Eduard elbowed him.
"Sorry, sorry. Bad wingman."
"You are not my wingman."
"I think you're doing a good job, wingman."
Eduard hushed her. "Don't encourage him, Shevchenko."
"Got to keep him sweet if he's buying me shots."
Logan raised an eyebrow, amused, and pushed the shot glasses towards them. "So you like music and drinking? You and Eddie'll defo get along." He wasn't jealous. Not at how they smiled at each other, or how even mentioning music seemed to trigger the most in-depth discussion he'd ever seen Eduard have with anyone. Not at how Eduard's eyes lit up when she mentioned some folk musician he vaguely liked, launching them into a heated debate over her best album.
Never, in all his life, had Logan not been the centre of a conversation, but here he struggled to get a word in edgeways. He didn't even have time to feel weird about it, he was so proud of Eduard.
When they stumbled out of the bar at a reasonable hour (for students, at least) he found he couldn't get a word in once again. Eduard couldn't stop rambling about his new friend.
After that evening, Eduard and Lyubov were common fixtures in each other's flats. She was immediately enamoured with Harry, and vice versa, except Harry's insistence on calling her "Lubey" made Logan laugh far more than was appropriate. She offered to babysit at every given opportunity, which was something of a relief when Eduard and Logan had class at the same time every Thursday afternoon.
When she wasn't trying to steal Logan's children, she hung out with Eduard. They were always together in his room. Logan ached at the thought, his imagination going as wild as it did. He could see Eduard kiss her in his mind's eye, see her in a bitter parody of every sappy little fantasy he'd had of Eduard, where she stood in his place every time.
In reality, they'd sit together and work in silence, or chat about nothing, or attempt duets together on her guitar and the keyboard in the corner of Eduard's room. Logan had to admit, Eduard was right about her voice. She sounded beautiful, and they sounded beautiful together. He didn't stand a chance, and yet he wasn't sure they were even dating yet. He could hold out hope they were just friends. Somehow, that was worse. The jealousy still ate him alive, but the not knowing was what really stung.
It wasn't until they went home for Christmas that he got anything like a straight answer. They were sat together on a freezing train platform, waiting for their way home.
Out of the blue, Eduard turned to him. "Do you think it's a bad idea to be in a relationship? For me personally, I mean?"
Logan shrugged. "You'd know better than me."
"But I don't know. Like, say, hypothetically, I'm into someone."
"Lou?"
"I- what? No, she's just- yes, it's her, shut up. And if you're going to nickname her, use Luba instead."
"Now you know I could never do that with a straight face."
"What are you? 12? Anyway. Say I'm interested in her, romantically speaking, right? Is it then a bad idea to, like, pursue her? Given my history?"
"Not if you're ready. Are you?"
"I don't know! I mean, I haven't even told her about Gunner, or my parents, or any of that. She thinks I'm just some normal, well-adjusted guy."
"Eddie, she's seen you rant about how George Lucas killed Anakin's character until you cried, whilst eating a block of uncooked ramen."
"Okay, mostly-adjusted. And I don't want her going into this without knowing what she's getting herself into, but at the same time I don't want to tell her, y'know?"
"Why not?"
"Well, she worries a lot. I told her I skipped breakfast while we were out and she bought me a sandwich on the spot. I don't like people worrying about me, and she shouldn't have to deal with all that."
Logan thought about it for a moment. "Look, why not - if you feel up to it - ask her out, and if things start to get serious and you want to tell her, go for it?"
"But then she'll have to deal with all this when she thought she was just getting into a normal relationship. I mean, what if it's too much for her, but she feels like she can't say anything about it in case she sounds all selfish so she makes herself deal with it anyway and she ends up resenting me over it but she still can't say anything so we're just trapped in this one-sided hell of a relationship with her tiptoeing around me so I don't-"
"Ed, you're spiralling."
He sighed and leaned his head on his shoulder. Logan stroked his hair. "Sorry."
"Is it really that you're worried about, or is it something else?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Ed…"
"I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with," he admitted, hands tangling together in his lap, "Or even to like. I mean, because of that, but just in general, too."
"Did Gunner tell you that?"
Eduard didn't reply.
"Ed, he's full of shit."
"But he'd know, though, wouldn't he?"
"Fuck off he would! He couldn't tell his arse from his mouth."
"But it's true."
He put his arm around his shoulders. "Ed, listen. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You're amazing. You're kind, and you're smart, and you're funny, and you have unbelievably soft hands and you make excellent bread. Also you're incredibly hot."
He shrugged and stared at his knees. "I like her. And that kind of scares me. Like, I think just being with someone, that scares me. But if I'm not ready now, what if I'm never ready?"
"You will be. I promise. You're not in any rush. Take things at your own speed."
"I really like her, Logan."
"I know." He ached a little.
"Like, I look at her and I want to make her happy, and all that. She makes me happy. I'm with her, and things are nice. But I'm gonna fuck it up, aren't I?"
"Maybe. So what? People fuck up. But then you pick yourself up and go on, live your life. At least you'll be able to say you tried."
Their train pulled into the station.
"Maybe so. C'mon, let's go."
The conversation was over, but Logan knew full well he'd done nothing to soothe his anxieties. Eduard took his seat and took a packet of M&Ms from his bag, looking out of the window as the train started moving. He had that expression he always had when the gears of his brain were going at top speed.
Logan stole one of his M&Ms. "So. You and Lou, huh?"
He smiled at just the mention of her name. "Isn't she great?"
Logan nodded, and his heart silently imploded. "Yeah. She is."
Despite all evidence leading to the contrary, Logan still held onto a selfish shred of hope that Eduard wouldn't end up with Lyubov after all. That he'd chicken out, or she'd reject him. He hated that. Eduard clearly loved her, and he deserved someone he clicked with the way he clicked with her.
All throughout their trip home, he tried not to think about it. That proved easy enough. He was kept busy decorating the tree, helping with food, catching up with his sisters and parents, and then, as they arrived, aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins.
Eduard made himself useful, but he tried to fade into the background. He made the mistake of telling Allirea they celebrated it on the 24th in Estonia, inspiring her to pester her parents (very ineffectually) to celebrate it early.
It beat Christmas with his grandmother in Tallinn, but he wasn't used to that many people under one roof, even after all the times he'd visited Logan in the holidays, meeting them if only for a brief while. He'd never properly been a part of it. It was a little overwhelming.
Still, they all seemed to like him. Logan's extended family, for the most part, were as nice as his parents. One uncle - Layla's brother - even bought him an old Han Solo action figure last-minute, having found it in the dusty little vintage shop his brother-in-law visited from time to time after Eduard had mentioned his collection to him. Aside from that, there were clothes from Layla, new sheet music from Mr Cooper, a book from Jem, and a box of chocolate from Allirea, suspiciously opened and missing a few. Logan bought him a pack of pens, even though he didn't understand his enthusiasm for stationery, and Eduard in return bought him rugby socks, even though he still didn't understand his enthusiasm for rugby. Tino and Berwald came over to drop off presents too - fancy coffee from the Christmas market in Birmingham for Eduard and a packet of fudge for Logan (chilli-flavoured, to stop Eduard stealing any).
Once they got home, things settled back into place. They went back to studying, and raising Harry together. They worked on assignments and Logan began revising for his exams (Eduard had been doing so since September), and the topic of Lyubov was dropped.
Logan had no way of knowing if Eduard had said anything, but he couldn't see any change in their relationship. Not until one February morning when he watched him walk her to their door. She was wearing yesterday's jumper and Eduard's gloves. He put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her, just once, so quick he could have blinked and missed it. He said something to her, leaning so close he didn't need to raise his voice above a whisper. Whatever it was, it made her laugh. Her lips touched his cheek, and she disappeared out of the doorway. He lingered there until she was out of sight, then turned around to see Logan.
"Oh! Morning."
"Morning, Eddie!" Logan hoped Eduard didn't pick up on the crack in his voice. If he did, he didn't comment on it. "So, you and Lou… you… you're together then?"
Eduard beamed. "Yeah! I asked her out two weeks ago; keep up."
"You literally haven't changed how you act around each other. Until that cheeky kiss."
"Well not everyone wants to traumatise their roommates with… noises."
"Headphones, Eddie."
"Just wait til I'm out!"
"You're never out!"
"Stop trying to bone the entire university!"
Logan laughed. "No. At least you can get your revenge now."
"You know I'm way too prude for that."
"But you can if you want, that's all."
"I'll save you the trauma. And I'll save her the embarrassment."
"Shame."
"Logan, are you implying you'd want to listen to us?"
Logan just grinned, wiggling his eyebrows cheekily. He didn't like to outright lie. Eduard was nervous.
"Never happening."
"You know I'm just messing with ya, right?"
"Why don't I believe you?"
"That's your problem." He tried not to look sad as he smiled at Eduard. "Anyway, you and Lou. Lyubed. Edbov. You really like her, huh?"
Eduard smiled into his jumper sleeve. "Yeah, a lot. She's really, really great."
An invisible hand squeezed at Logan's chest. "Do you love her?"
Eduard shrugged. "Bit early to say. But I do like her a lot."
Eduard took the time to put a coffee cup in his girlfriend's hands and a kiss on her nose, even as he rushed out of the house in a hoodie he'd stolen off her to an early lecture, with his own coffee in a travel mug and a slice of bread in his hand so she wouldn't fuss about him skipping breakfast.
"Are we meeting for lunch later?"
He nodded. "Course. See you then, Shevchenko. Make sure Logan doesn't burn the place down without me to stop him."
"No promises."
"Fair." He stuck out his cheek. "One more for the road?"
She kissed it gently, just before he swept out of the flat. "Bye! Love you!"
"Love you too!"
She smiled at the closing door, sipping her coffee. The coffee Eduard made was strong enough to permanently cure a whale's narcolepsy, but she had acquired a taste for it, though it needed a sugar or 5.
Logan came in a few minutes later, getting Harry ready for pre-school. Though he'd managed to get his daughter dressed without too much fuss, she was having trouble finding her hairbrush.
"Go check the bathroom while I get your breakfast."
Harry nodded and left the room, Lyubov watched Logan bustle about the kitchen, doing his best to not look at her. He did that a lot, when she was looking at him. And when he thought she wasn't, he was watching closely. Especially whenever she was near Eduard. It was like he was judging her, waiting for her to do something wrong.
It put her on edge.
"Logan, can I ask you a somewhat frank question?"
"Shoot."
Lyubov sat on the kitchen counter she had been leaning on. "Do you have a problem with me?"
He blinked. "No. No, of course not."
"I get the intense feeling you either don't like me or don't trust me. Is it some "bros before hoes" sort of thing? Because, I mean, I get it, but you know Eduard thinks the world of you, right? I mean, he never stops talking about you. I'm not about to steal him away or anything."
Logan glanced down at Harry's cereal, trying not to look too guilty. "It's not that. Nice to know, though, I guess."
"So it is something? You do, in some way, not like me?"
"I do like you, I just- I don't know. I get protective of him."
"He's a grown man, Logan. He can make his own decisions."
"It's not… it's not that. Look, if he hasn't told you yet, I shouldn't tell you either."
"Look, I agree totally, don't get me wrong, but you know Ed. He doesn't talk about serious stuff. The most personal he's got is telling me he doesn't talk to his parents anymore. He won't even talk about exes- oh, it was his ex, wasn't it?"
Logan nodded. She really was quick on the uptake. But was it his place to say? This was Eduard's life, not his. But maybe, if Lyubov understood... "I'm still not going into detail, it's really not my place. But it was bad. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, he slapped him once."
"He?"
"He didn't even tell you he was bi?"
She shook her head.
"Fuck. I shouldn't have said that."
"It doesn't matter to me. I won't tell him you told. But Jesus, that explains a lot."
"What? That he's such a twink?"
"Not the bi thing! Just… y'know, I knew something was up with him. I just put it down to him being, I don't know, eccentric, and socially awkward, or maybe anxiety or something. He apologises over every little thing, he asks me if it's okay with me if he talks to you, or anyone really." She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. She always cried easily. "I didn't realise it was something like that."
Logan put his arms out. "C'mere."
Lyubov hugged him tight. "I'm sorry for getting like this. I just… I love him. I really do. The thought that someone could do that to him…"
"I know. It really makes you wanna start ripping some guy a new arsehole, doesn't it?"
She laughed shakily. "Yeah. Yeah, it does. I understand why you're so protective now. But, look, I promise, I'll take care of him. I'd never hurt him."
"I know."
Logan decided, then and there, that he didn't want to fight her over Eduard. The fact that they were in love with the same man didn't change that she was perfect for him, or that ultimately, they both wanted him to be happy. If anything, he felt like she was his ally in loving and appreciating Eduard. She wasn't Gunner. She'd never hurt him. And it was about time he moved on anyway.
They met at the cafe for lunch as planned, sipping americanos and sharing a portion of chips, each with a mediocre toasted panini.
"How was class?" Lyubov asked, feeding him a chip.
He bit it out of her hand. "So-so."
She was studying him, looking closely at his face. Instinctively, he assumed he had something stuck there and wiped the corner of his mouth. She didn't look away.
"Sorry, did I… did I do something?"
She shook her head. "No, no, of course not. Just thinking."
"Oh? What's on your mind, Shevchenko?"
"Nothing really."
"Thinking about nothing?"
She nodded. "Don't worry about it." The second she said that, she realised that made it very hard not to worry about. "I just talked to Logan this morning."
"Oh? What about?"
"Nothing- nothing important. It just kinda stuck with me. You know how it is."
Eduard looked sceptical, but didn't pry. Lyubov gave him a strange smile and stroked his cheek. She kept glancing at him, when she thought he wasn't looking, the same way she'd been complaining about Logan doing.
"Want another coffee?" she asked, "I know it's not as strong as you like, but-"
"I can get it myself." Eduard tried to get up, but Lyubov took his hand.
"It's fine! I want to pick out a cake anyway."
Eduard watched her pretending she wasn't watching him, eyes narrowed. There was something familiar about it all.
He ate his panini in silence. Mr and Mrs Cooper had been the same, when he came to live with them, after…
She sat down and handed him his coffee, stirring it for him.
Eduard sighed, taking the spoon out of her hand. "Logan told you what happened, didn't he?"
Lyubov didn't look at him, for once. "He didn't mean to, and I didn't want to pry. It just sort of… came out."
Eduard didn't like how his stomach sank and his hands trembled.
"He didn't want to say anything," she added, "I just… well, I guessed something was up. He's very protective of you."
"How much do you know?"
She bit her lip. "How much is there to know?"
"Just the… um…"
"The ex?"
"Yes."
"Ex boyfriend?"
He winced. "Yes. Gunner."
"Hey, it's okay, I love you. I'd never judge you for something like that. I do like the womenfolk, Mets."
Eduard smiled weakly, but didn't look her in the eye, instead focusing on breaking the remains of his panini into little, stale crumbs. "And everything else? That you just heard?"
"No, never."
"How much about him did Logan tell you?"
She shrugged. "He was abusive."
"Right." Eduard sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, just so we're on the same page, he pressured me into sleeping with him. Repeatedly. He tried to stop me talking to Logan and he tried to stop me going to uni. Both almost worked. When I told my parents I wasn't going they threw me out. I broke up with him - Logan helped - and applied through clearing. So everything worked out fine, you don't need to worry."
"Eddie…"
He tried to brush off her sympathy. "Does this change anything?"
She smiled at him sadly. "Of course it doesn't. You're still the same guy. And a pretty amazing same guy too."
"So you're not looking and acting like I'm fragile all of a sudden?"
Now it was Lyubov's turn to wince. "I'm sorry. It's just… I really love you, and, well, you didn't deserve to be treated in such a way. You didn't deserve any of that."
He looked away, squirming.
"I just want to, you know, treat you like you should be treated."
"You don't have to… well, I know you worry, but I'm not fragile. I mean, I've been through a bit of stuff, but it's in the past. I've moved on from it."
Lyubov didn't believe him, that much was for sure. She didn't take her eyes off him.
"I'm fine now," Eduard insisted.
"Ed-"
"Please, I don't want you to worry about me more than you already do. I've dealt with it all, and this is my new start."
She nodded. "Yes, yes of course. Can I just say I think you're very brave?"
He shifted uncomfortably; "um, okay." There was an awkward silence. Eduard stirred his coffee. "You don't… you don't think I'm…" He shrugged.
"Don't think you're what?"
Another shrug. "Like… you went into this thinking I was a normal guy, with normal problems and none of this… cowshit. I understand if you didn't sign up for this."
She touched his hand. "Ed, I love you , all of you. I'm not about to leave you because of this. I want to stay with you." She rested her hand on his.
"Even though-"
"Yes. Even though everything. We're here for each other." She smiled at him, and Eduard couldn't help smiling back.
Eduard had hoped he could make some breakfast in peace. He wanted some coffee and toast and then get some early studying done. He didn't sign up for this.
"You must be Eddie."
He turned to see who he assumed to be Logan's latest thing. It dawned on him that he'd never seen Hunapo's face. He had, however, heard their voice. A lot. Which was why they needed no introduction.
Hunapo was wearing a rugby shirt - All Blacks - but they seemed a little small and skinny for a rugby player. They had a bright smile, though. "Heard a lot about you. How you doing, bruh?"
Eduard floundered. Nothing quite like seeing someone for the first time after hearing them get the depths of their butthole explored every few nights. "Yep."
"What?"
Eduard nodded and grasped around in the fruit bowl for an apple. He bit into it to stop himself talking. It was bitter as cat's piss and unusually difficult to sink his teeth into and- oh my god he had just bitten into an onion. For some unknown reason, he decided he might as well stick through with it now that he'd started. He recovered halfway from his initial shock, then took another bite. Why was he continuing with this? Why couldn't he stop? What had his life come to and how did he get out of this situation?
Hunapo nodded slowly. "Cool. What're you studying?"
He nodded and gestured towards his onion. "Apple."
"What?"
"Computer Science. I'm doing Computer Science."
Hunapo narrowed their eyes, not quite sure if they should laugh or run. "You're an odd one, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry."
Logan chose that absolutely perfect moment to walk in, wearing nothing but his underwear, and wrap his arms around Hunapo's waist, kissing their neck immediately. "I see you've met my friend Eddie. You down for another round?"
They tilted their head to look at him. "You know I am."
Logan looked up from Hunapo's neck at Eduard. "Oh, hey Eddie. We need more milk."
Eduard gave him a thumbs up, absolutely mortified.
Hunapo stuck around longer than the others, and Eduard came to discover more about them, as much as he'd rather pretend they didn't exist and couldn't talk. Or shout. Or - fucking - yowl.
They'd met through rugby. They'd had a massive rivalry that was only partially caused by Hunapo being a kiwi, and mostly by the fact that they and Logan were the most stupidly competitive pair of idiots imaginable. They were the first openly trans person either of them had known, and thus had an incredible amount of patience when it came to explaining just what agender was. And, at first, trans in general.
Hunapo was tiny, with a mess of curly hair, and Eduard was fairly convinced Logan was dating a hobbit. They also loved films, particularly indie comedies, and Eduard almost hated that they had something in common. Besides music and computers, his third true love was film, though he was more a sci-fi man altogether. After Logan's present, he was in the process of filling his bookshelf with collector's items: limited edition box sets, out-of-production Star Wars action figures, a few old comics. Hunapo actually seemed quite interested in his collection. They were more of a Lord of the Rings fan, but instead of arguing over which franchise was better, the two united to subject Logan to both as often as possible. Eduard really liked them - he couldn't help it - no matter how much he wanted to be jealous.
Hunapo also dragged Eduard along to DnD sessions with their friends, and he loved it. He was good at pretending now, and Edbard went on many hilariously wayward adventures with Kahurangi the screaming halfling and various other characters their group had made.
He wondered what it said about his social life that he considered DnD sessions as going up in the world, now that he had enough friends to actually join in with it.
Eduard was never going on a double date again, not if Logan and Hunapo's idea of a date consisted of long walks in the woods. In the cold.
Though Lyubov seemed to be enjoying the country air, Eduard just sulked and tried to find phone signal. She put her arm around his waist and her head on his shoulder.
"Put your phone away, it's lovely out here."
"My feet hurt," he grumbled.
She rubbed his back. "You chilly as well?"
"Course not. I'm Estonian. Fire can't kill a dragon."
"Speaking of which, we could totally go LARPing here," Hunapo looked around.
Logan looked at them, "Huh?"
"Live Action Role Play? Like, DnD but with more dressing up and running about."
"Fucking nerd."
"So I could become Edbard in real life?" Eduard perked up at that.
Lyubov bit back a laugh. "Edbard?"
He blushed. "My- my character. He's not even a bard; he's a wizard."
"Maybe you can make a new character," suggested Hunapo, "I wanna be someone new. Maybe an orc or a dwarf. Oooh, maybe half orc and half dwarf…" They winced. "...a dorc."
Logan snorted. "Suits you."
"You look more like a halfling, though," said Eduard.
"I do not!"
"Genuinely feels like you're speaking another language."
"A halfling is another word for hobbit," Eduard explained before Hunapo could stop him. "Except you can't say hobbit because of copyright."
"You're defo a halfling, then."
Hunapo scowled. "Well I wanna be something different."
"You're short enough to be a dwarf," Logan reasoned, "but are you strong enough?"
"I can take you in a fight! Square up, shitlips!"
"You could be an orc, Loges," said Eduard, before another play-fight broke out. "Or a half-orc at least."
"Wow!" Logan pretended to reel in horror, "because I'm ugly?"
"No? Because you're so big and strong. Anyway, I'm gonna be Wizeduard. Who is a bard."
"You'd make a terrible bard," Hunapo snorted.
"I play music!"
"But where's the charisma? The seduction?"
"I can be seductive! Shevchenko, back me up here."
She tilted her head. "Hmm, I don't know. I recall when we met you bribed me into talking to you."
"That is not how that interaction went."
"Bribed me with drinks Logan was buying to bribe you into talking to me, no less."
"I can't believe you'd do this to me. My own girlfriend."
She grinned and put her arm around his waist. "Poor boy."
"What would you be anyway?" he asked.
"I honestly have no idea."
After Eduard and Huna took it in turns to explain the different DnD races and classes, Lyubov decided on a druid elf named Khrystyna, who was Wizeduard's girlfriend. And that was how Eduard managed to enjoy exercise for the first time in his life: running around the woods pretending to play the lute and go on an increasingly stupid quest to try and defeat a monster a wizard accidentally summoned and was then eaten by. The monster was apparently somewhere in the woods eating any living being that wandered in, and when they came face to face with it, Wizeduard seduced it just to spite everyone who said he had no charisma.
Hunapo stated the invisible dice they were using didn't roll high enough, so he was subsequently eaten.
Eduard knew what was coming as soon as he saw the ring.
He didn't even have time to be upset, because Eduard couldn't believe his friend could be that stupid. Twice in a row.
"Be honest, man," he sat across from him at the dining table, "do you need me to explain how to put on a condom?"
"They were on the pill!" cried Logan.
"I was joking! So Huna's pregnant, then? Fucking hell, man."
Logan shrugged. "Maybe. We're not sure yet. But, well, we've been together a while now. And we'll be graduating next month."
"You don't have to get married the moment you finish your education." His phone buzzed. Eduard took it out of his pocket, scowled, and deleted the message.
"Who's that?" asked Logan.
"Don't change the subject. You and Huna, huh?"
"Yeah. You think they'll say yes?"
He nodded, finding a sudden interest in the coffee granules he'd left on the table that morning. "For sure. Hopefully. Unless they think it's too soon, which it probably is."
"I dunno; I think we've been together long enough. And what about you? Are you and Lyubov moving in together?"
"Nah. We're thinking of moving close to each other, though. When we graduate."
"Why not? You've been together loads longer than Huna and I."
"Yeah, but you and Huna fucked the day you met and I didn't even hold her hand until we'd been dating for a week. We're taking it slowly."
"Mate, you've been together like three years."
"Two and a half," he corrected, "We're going at our own pace."
"Snail's pace?"
"Fuck you." He flicked coffee granules at him.
"Hey, you go at your own pace. I get it. But I think she's really good for you."
"You do?"
He nodded. "She loves you."
"Think I love her too. But I don't know if I want to marry her yet. Do you even want to get married yourself?"
Logan thought for a moment. "You know what? I actually do this time."
Eduard hated how that crushed him. He loved Lyubov! He wasn't supposed to feel anything for Logan anymore! He'd buried everything, squashed his feelings down until he could pretend they weren't there, but every time Logan kissed Hunapo before surprising them with a tickle, or looked at them like they were the most precious being in the universe, there was that prickle of jealousy, the one Eduard either overthought and guilted over, or ignored completely.
He just wanted to get over him.
Things would be so much easier if he could.
"Then you should ask them," he said, defeated, "go ask and get married and do that whole family thing. Get your happily ever after. You deserve it."
Eduard hadn't quite known what he'd been expecting, but he knew what he'd hoped for: that Hunapo would say 'no' and that would be the end of it. He didn't want them to break up, despite his feelings, because he knew better than to try and pretend they weren't a good couple.
And that was what really hurt: Hunapo was better for Logan than he could ever be, and Logan deserved Hunapo instead of him.
The song Lyubov sings is These Days by Nico.