"We still have time to change our ways.
When these endless, lonely days are through,
I'll make the most of loving you…"
—Mary-Jess Leaverland, "Did I Make the Most of Loving You?"
BB-8 was a restless little droid tonight. Normally he'd be sitting at Rey's feet, burbling about his day—and since his days usually consisted of things like finding a patch of pretty flowers in the forests of Ajan Kloss, helping R2-D2 restore a corrupted file in Leia's main computer, or playing a game of catch with the few children who lived on the base, it was often a very happy conversation.
Tonight, however, everything was different. There was sadness aboard the Millennium Falcon, even after the Big Fight in which he, BB-8, had played a part.
Captain Lando and Chewie were silent in the cockpit. Finn didn't want to play roll-the-ball, and Rose had taken Rey to clean up and eat. When Rey came back, she was a little cleaner, but even BB-8 could see that she didn't want to talk. She looked…well…
The droid searched his vocabulary banks for the word he wanted.
Empty. Yes…Rey looked empty.
His antenna drooped as he rolled slowly through the familiar corridors of the Falcon. His sensors caught D-O following him, but he kept his head down and continued rolling.
"Wh-why is the Nice Girl s-sad?" D-O stammered.
BB-8 whined sadly in Binary. "She's empty."
"O-oh. Wh-why?"
BB-8 offered a trailing little sigh. "I don't knoooooooooow."
"I-is it the D-D-D-Dead Person?"
BB-8 paused and lifted his head, remembering. Rey had been crying when she came aboard, and she had been holding the Dead Person. BB-8 had no recollection of the man's face in his memory banks, but he'd been there for the Big Talk in the medbay and knew the man was more than just a Dead Person. They'd called him Kylo Ren and Ben Solo, and while BB-8 might not have known the second name very well, he certainly knew the first.
"Maaaaaaaaybe?" he offered worriedly.
D-O tipped his conical head. He seemed to be thinking. Then, without explanation, he wheeled himself at a quicker pace down the corridor. BB-8's lights brightened with curiosity.
"Where are you gooooooing?!"
D-O didn't answer. BB-8 hurried after him, nearly passing the medbay before backtracking with a muffled wail. D-O had gone in there, staring up at the bed where the Dead Person lay.
"What are you doooooooing?!"
"C-curious," D-O stuttered. A hatch opened in his head and a thin, steel instrument emerged. BB-8 squealed in horror as D-O tapped the Dead Person's hand.
"STOOOOOOOOP! Rey might get…" BB-8 shuddered. "Angryyyyyyyyy."
D-O jerked his prodder back with a start. BB-8 immediately felt sorry. Someone had been mean to D-O once upon a time—something BB-8 really couldn't fathom, since Poe had always been so good to him. Rey-Friend could get frustrated with sometimes, but she had never been unkind.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," BB-8 warbled, hurrying into the medbay. "Not really angryyyyyy. Just sad."
"Oh," said D-O, and clicked the prodder back into his head.
BB-8, however, did not leave the room. With slow, quiet movements, he rolled closer to the bed. His one eye just barely cleared the edge of the bed, so he could at least see the Dead Person's face. It was very still. BB-8's lights dimmed again as he thought of Rey's sad eyes.
"Poor Reyyyyyyyyyyyy," he burbled. "Poooooooooooor Reyyyyyyyyyyyy…"
And then the kind little droid squeaked and stiffened as he felt a heavy hand drop onto his head. D-O rattled backwards in alarm. BB-8 didn't dare move.
"Rey." The voice was faint and hoarse, but BB-8 could've sworn it came from the Dead Person. "Rey…"
That was too much, even for the bravest little droid who'd just helped Resistance fighters storm a First Order Dreadnought. BB-8 let out a terrified shriek and rolled backwards, nearly knocking D-O off balance. The Dead Person's arm fell over the edge of the bed. Even more frighteningly, he winced.
"Reyyyyyyyyy!" BB-8 screamed, hurtling out of the room with D-O spinning after him. "Reyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Rey shivered, pulling the warm grey blanket Rose had given her closer around her slight frame. Two whole ration packets had finally satisfied her gnawing hunger, but the closer they got to Ajan Kloss the more chilled and stupid she felt. The sparkling energy after being brought back to life had faded, and there was a hollow place in her mind where the Bond used to be.
Funny how she'd gotten used to it, even when she'd spent most of the time incredibly conflicted over her feelings for the person on the other end.
Finn, mopping up the last of his meal with a piece of bread, watched her anxiously. "You doing okay, Rey?"
She started to nod, then thought better of it. Finn would know if she was lying. She shook her head instead and drew her legs up to her chest.
"No," she murmured, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. "I feel like I'm one of those holographic chess pieces, and Chewie and Poe have been knocking me around too much."
"Holographic chess?" Jannah asked, eagerly looking up from her own meal. "I've heard of it, but I've never played it."
Finn smiled. "I'll show you the board in a bit. Just don't let Chewie play. We're all pretty sure he cheats."
Rey tried to grin—she'd watched Chewie thrash Finn and Poe at chess enough times to be pretty sure of his cheating herself—but couldn't quite manage it.
"Maybe you should try to sleep, Rey," Rose suggested. "We won't be home for another hour yet, anyway. It might make you feel better."
"Maybe," Rey said. She leaned against her cushioned seat, tipping her head back and closing her eyes. But as soon as she did, Palpatine's hideous face rose up in her memory like a flash of lightning. She bolted upright again with a gasp, startling her friends.
"No…no, not yet," she said, rubbing her face. "I'm going to have nightmares, and I'm not ready to deal with them yet."
Rose tilted her head to the side in sympathy. Jannah looked away, uncomfortable. Finn, however, gazed at her not just with sympathy, but empathy. He got to his feet; Rey watched him, unsure of what he was going to do, until he sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"I know," he said. "And it's okay."
Of course he knew; he'd confessed to her before that he had nightmares, too. He still dreamed of his old life in the First Order…of his Stormtrooper training…of Jakku, where he couldn't bring himself to mow down the innocent civilians…of Kylo Ren trying to invade his mind…
Force around us, Rey thought bitterly, we've all suffered too much.
She scooted closer to her dearest friend and laid her head on his shoulder. As he rubbed her arm, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, she allowed her eyes to flutter shut again. Palpatine's face crashed into her mind, but this time she screwed up her eyelids, clamped her lips, and fought the memory with a fervent plea:
"BE WITH ME."
Instantly, Palpatine vanished. So did the Falcon. She was back in that heart-stopping moment on Exegol when Ben's mind first called out to hers. She'd been seconds away from striking down her grandfather, but as soon as she'd seen Ben smiling at her across their Bond…
"I'm here," he'd whispered, his deep, resonant voice sending a shock wave across their connection. "It's me, Rey. I'm here…"
"I'm here."
Rey frowned and cracked one eye open. Finn still rubbed her arm, probably hoping she'd finally drift off to sleep, Rose had tiptoed away with Jannah to the chess table, and she could hear General Calrissian hailing the rest of the fleet…and yet she could've sworn she heard an echo.
"Rey."
She sat up with a soft gasp. Finn jerked his arm back, startled.
"Rey? What is it?"
"Rey."
Something jumped in her chest, and it wasn't just her heartbeat. "It can't be…"
"What are you talking abou—Rey?!"
But she was already on her feet, throwing aside the blanket and pounding out of the room as fast as she could. The voice had come from the medbay. She was sure of that, just like she was sure the feeble sparks of electricity running along her lifeless Bond with Ben Solo were no accidents.
Oh please, she begged. Please let this be real. Please be real…please be with me…
"Reyyyyyyyyyyyy!" BB-8 shrieked, hurtling towards her with D-O. "He moved! The Dead Person moooooooooooved—!"
The Bond sizzled and popped again like torn wires coming back together. "Come on!" she cried, racing past the little droids; they spun around and rolled after her. She clamped her hands on the medbay doorframe, pausing just long enough to catch her breath, and stumbled to the bed.
Ben lay flat on his back, his eyes closed. One arm hung limp over the edge of the bed. Rey caught his hand, held it against her heart, and laid her other palm on his forehead.
"Ben," she whispered. "Ben, I hear you. Please wake up, please…"
"Rey!" Finn cried, tumbling into the room. "What the heck are you doing?"
BB-8 squealed. "The Dead Person moooooooooooooved! He moooooooooooved!"
"What d'you mean, he moved?!"
"Hush!" Rey cried. "Let me concentrate!"
Finn and the droids went silent; when Rose and Jannah burst in, he silenced them a sharp look. Rey leaned closer to Ben, smoothing back his hair. As she leaned closer she could still smell the salt of Kef Bir's ocean on his skin.
"Ben, I know you're there. I can feel you again." She pressed her lips to his temple and leaned her forehead against his. "Be with me. Please, please be here with me."
For a moment, her mind remained empty. It was like she was back on Exegol: solitary, small, and frightened. The Bond still hummed, but the throbbing power had subsided…
Until Ben's fingers seized around her hand, his eyelids flew open, and his chest rose in a rasping, choking breath. Finn hollered, Rose shrieked, and Jannah swore—but Ben only wheezed, oblivious to the commotion around him. Rey pressed her palm against his cheek.
"Ben! Ben, look at me. It's okay—just breathe—shh—it's all right—I've got you!"
He either couldn't hear her or couldn't focus long enough to take a deep breath: he just coughed and gasped, his panicked eyes locked on the ceiling. Remembering how hard he'd hit the rocks when Palpatine threw him into the pit, Rey extended her left hand over his ribs. Carefully—very carefully, since she still didn't feel so vibrant herself—she transmitted some of her strength to him.
Breathe, she commanded him, closing her eyes. Just breathe.
Almost immediately, he relaxed. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose.
"That's it," Rey whispered, tears blinding her. "Breathe. Just breathe."
His eyes opened and landed—finally—on her. Suddenly, she was the one who couldn't breathe.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Wh-what for?" she stammered.
He turned his head to the side, his gaze landing on a quivering BB-8. "For scaring the droids."
At that, Rey let out a sobbing laugh. Ben smiled, lifting a finger to wipe the stray tears from her jawline. She kissed his hand before turning eagerly to her friends.
"Finn, Rose, Jannah," she said, "I'd like you to meet Ben Solo."
For a moment none of them said a word; they were still gaping at the scene before them. But then Finn—of course it would be Finn, Rey thought proudly—stepped forward, clenching and unclenching his hands, looking as if he wasn't quite sure whether to scowl or stare with all his eyes.
"Nice to meet you…Ben."
In spite of his obvious weariness, Ben looked him in the eye. "Nice to meet you, too…uh…"
"Finn," the former Stormtrooper said firmly. "My name is Finn."
"Finn," Ben whispered. Through the now-vibrant Bond Rey glimpsed a stunned Stormtrooper in a decimated village, but Ben clamped down on it and the picture disappeared. Finn rocked on his heels, still doing funny things with his hands.
"I wanted to thank you for…y'know…saving Rey," he blurted. "She's my best friend. Honestly, I don't know what any of us would've done without her—but I know I basically owe her everything. So as far as I'm concerned, you're good. Good to go. We're square, okay? Totally square. I think I'm talking too much."
"It's okay, Finn," Rey murmured, smiling through her tears. "Don't worry about it."
"Are you all forgetting what he's done, though?" Jannah demanded. "Does he remember his men dragging me from my home when I was just a tyke? Or how he killed his own father?"
"Jannah…" Rose pleaded.
"No," Ben groaned, trying to sit up. "Let her talk. She deserves the chance to say whatever she wants."
Rey tried to help him and avoid Jannah's angry eyes at the same time. Fear quivered on his end of the Bond, but once he'd propped himself up on his elbows, he gave all his attention to Jannah. Under the quiet, resolute gaze of the former Supreme Leader, the fiery young woman blinked and shifted from one foot to the other.
"I remember all of it," he said, each word slow and measured. "And I don't blame you for hating me."
Jannah's eyes flickered.
"But if you'll give me a chance," Ben added, "I'll do my best to make it right."
"You can never make it right," Jannah said, though Rey noticed her voice didn't contain quite as much venom. "You may be able to come back from the dead, but I doubt even you can change the past."
Ben glanced at his feet. "No…I can't. But I can try to undo the hurt I've caused you. I want to do that. I don't think I would've been allowed to come back if I didn't."
" 'Allowed?' " Rey repeated. "What do you mean?"
He gave her the smallest of smiles. "I'll tell you la—"
"What in blazes is going on down here?" Lando Calrissian suddenly boomed, materializing in the corridor. "We heard a commotion and figured we'd better—"
He stopped short at the sight before him; Chewie, close on his heels, did the same. For a moment Rey was genuinely afraid the Wookiee might fly into a rage. The death of Han Solo, after all, could never be forgotten. Maybe not even forgiven.
But Chewie only stood there and stared. Ben's eyes glistened. The General looked like a feather could knock him over.
"Well, I'll be," he murmured.
Ben swallowed so hard, Rey could hear it. "Uncle Lando. Chewie. I—"
But before he could say anything else, Chewie lunged into the room. Rey stiffened, prepared to throw herself between them, but the big, kindly creature merely threw his huge arms around Ben and all but crushed him to his chest. Ben gasped. Rey tugged frantically on the Wookiee's arm.
"Careful, Chewie!" she cried. "He's still a little bruised—go easy on him!"
"It's fine," Ben groaned as Chewie let him go. "I nearly got smothered by a Wookiee's hug more than once as a kid. Never killed me."
Chewie grunted and looked hard at him; Rey held her breath, well aware he was trying one last time to find a trace of Kylo Ren in the son of his two best friends. Ben must've known it, too. He looked straight up at the Wookiee, his own eyes large, dark, and clear.
Finally, Chewie moaned softly and laid a massive, hairy hand atop Ben's head. Ben slumped in relief, letting out a weak chuckle as Chewie ruffled his dark hair and offered a gruff comment.
"Yeah," Ben murmured, smiling through tears. "I missed you, too."
"We need a plan before we come out of hyperspace," Lando said, checking the chronometer on his wrist. "We may run into some trouble once our friends find out who's aboard the Falcon, and none of us want to be caught off guard."
Only a few minutes had passed since he and Chewie entered the medbay, but already Rey's mind had turned in the same direction. Ben still hadn't released her hand, and the steady but slightly possessive tenderness flowingfrom his end of the Bond was a bit distracting. She needed to focus...think like a leader…think like a Jedi. She cleared her throat and tipped her head back a little.
"You're right," she replied to Lando, her voice firm and precise. "Ben mustn't leave the Falcon until you and I tell the rest of the Resistance Command exactly what's happened."
"I can stay aboard the Falcon with him," Rose offered. "BB-8, too."
BB-8 burbled in agreement, but Rey smiled and shook her head. "No, BB-8 had better leave with us. Poe will accuse me of all kinds of horrible things if he doesn't see his child right away."
"What about Ben?" Finn asked. "What does he want to do?"
Rey frowned. She hadn't considered the possibility that Ben might have his own ideas about how to handle his…return? Restoration? She simply wanted to make sure he wasn't ripped to shreds by people who'd prefer to shoot Kylo Ren first and ask questions later.
Then again, he was the master tactitian in the room. It didn't matter where he'd learned it. He knew how to…arrange things. For maximum effect.
She looked down at him questioningly. "Ben?"
He inhaled, squared his shoulders. "I've spent the last seven years defying the Resistance. Hiding from them, plaguing them, terrifying them. I don't want to make their job any harder now than it has to be." He gave her hand a little squeeze. "I want them to see me, Rey. I want them to know I'm not afraid of their judgment. In fact, I welcome it."
"Well, I won't welcome it if someone takes a potshot at you," she said fiercely.
Ben ran his thumb along the top of her hand. "I'm sure you'd be more than capable of blocking one, if you believed it was necessary."
Rey cocked her head to the side with a stricken look. Rose cleared her throat.
"Umm, maybe we should go and make sure things are, y'know, all nice and locked down for our landing?" she said loudly. "The Falcon did get a little banged up during the battle. She might not want to settle down smoothly—"
"Oh, she'll be fine," Finn said, waving a dismissive hand.
Rose skewered him with a meaningful glare. Finn remained oblivious for half a second before his eyes widened.
"Oh," he said. Lando smirked. Jannah rolled her eyes.
"Come on, everybody," she said, jerking her head towards the corridor. "I may have been stuck on Kef Bir for the last few years, but I still know how to take a hint."
"Thanks, Rose," Rey murmured. Rose dimpled, grabbed Finn's sleeve, and dragged him out. Lando clapped a hand on Ben's shoulder.
"Hang in there, Starfighter," he said gently. "If you want anyone in your corner, it's her."
"I know," Ben murmured. Rey's face warmed. Lando smiled at her, and then he and Chewie and the droids left the medbay, the door hissing shut behind them.
For the first time since Exegol, they were alone. Rey's heart thundered in her chest. Ben lowered his head and continued running his thumb along the top of her hand. It was as tender as it was absentminded. She drew a fragile breath and touched his shoulder.
"How?" she whispered.
She didn't have to elaborate. He understood, studying her scrapes before he replied.
"I saw my mom," he said, so soft and low that she almost didn't catch it. "And Uncle Luke. Yoda. Obi-Wan."
Rey's eyes widened. She'd instinctively recognized Yoda and Obi-Wan's voices when they spoke to her on Exegol. She couldn't help feeling a little jealous that he'd actually seen them.
"They told me I'd been granted a second chance," Ben continued, staring at an undefinable spot on the wall. "When I asked them why, Yoda used a phrase I don't think I ever heard or read in all the years I was…"
His voice trailed off. Rey touched the back of his head.
"All the years you were your uncle's padawan?" she offered, running her fingertips through his hair.
He nodded, his thumb moving faster along her hand. "Yoda said 'the Grace of the Light' had chosen me for a second chance. I got the impression it doesn't happen very often."
"No," Rey deadpanned. "Just twice in less than twenty-four hours."
Ben let out a short, chuckling breath. "They also said that as long as I know who I am and stand on it, it'll give me the strength I need to prove myself to the Resistance. They never seemed to doubt that I'd be successful. I suppose that counts for something."
"Well, I know who you are," Rey said. "You don't have to prove anything to me, Ben Solo."
He met her gaze then, and the look in his eyes made her heart—and her stomach—do all manner of strange things again. Never taking his eyes off her face, he tugged her hand. Rey didn't even hesitate: she settled herself on his knee, shivering as his arms instantly closed around her.
"You are so beautiful," he breathed.
Rey giggled. "Well, that's a first. No one's ever told me that."
"Really?"
She raised her eyebrows. "I grew up on Jakku, remember? I was a sand-covered scavenger who spent the first nineteen years of my life avoiding attention. Never would've happened."
"Are you really only nineteen?" he murmured. His gaze was drifting down towards her lips and chin and it was getting hard to think straight.
"Um…no. I'm twenty now. I think." She tried to keep her own eyes on his and failed miserably. "How old are you?"
"Older than you," he teased.
"Not fair."
He chuckled again and she grinned so wide, she was sure she looked like an idiot. Tenderly, she tucked his hair behind his ear. He shuddered and leaned in close, just brushing her nose with his own…and without either of them having to make eye contact again, he tilted his head to the side and kissed her.
Their first kiss had been outrageously happy, fierce, and far too short. This one was different: this was slow and tender, almost leisurely. Rey's head went light as he kissed her over and over again, like he couldn't get enough and yet wanted to savor every single moment. Heat flooded her chest and face. She felt like she could run the obstacle course on Ajan Kloss a couple dozen times…and yet at the same time she'd never felt so safe and at home in her entire life.
When they finally broke apart she buried her face in the crook of his neck, too happy and flushed to bear his gaze.
"I love you, Ben," she whispered, "so much. Promise me you'll never leave me…please."
He gently lifted her head, smoothing her hair back from her face.
"I love you," he murmured. "But I can't promise you anything, Sweetheart. Not yet."
Rey's heart sank. "Ben…"
"Listen," he whispered, holding her cheek firmly in his palm. "There's a part of me that wants to run away with you and never have to face anybody ever again. But you heard that girl asking me about the Stormtroopers, about Crait, about my dad. I have to answer for what I did, Rey—and I won't be able to fight for the Resistance and bring down the First Order until I do. You have to let me do that. Promise me that no matter what happens—no matter what they do to me—you'll let me answer for Kylo Ren."
Rey dropped her gaze before he saw the tears springing to her eyes again. His heart beat strong, powerful, and quick under her palm. She didn't want to lose him—not again. But then she thought of the admirals and generals who'd fought the First Order for so long…of Connix…of Jannah and Finn and Rose…of wonderful, crazy, cocksure Poe, who'd grown up with Ben Solo and been mercilessly tortured by Kylo Ren. They had every right to demand justice. If she detached herself from the situation entirely, she could even agree that they had every right to demand the head of the former Supreme Leader.
But how do you deal out justice and take into account the…She struggled to remember the phrase he'd said Yoda had used. The Grace of the Light? Why would they send him back just to die on an executioner's block? What are we supposed to do with this chance, now that we've got it?
Ben smirked. "Your thoughts are so loud."
She blinked away her tears, trying to glare playfully at him. "Then stop eavesdropping."
"I was finding that harder and harder to do by the time I found you on Kef Bir. You think it's any easier now?"
She giggled, but before she could reply Lando's voice sounded over the Falcon's crackling old intercom.
"Jumping out of lightspeed in five minutes, kiddos," he warned—Rey suspected he meant the kiddos in the medbay specifically—"and we'll be landing in about ten. Just wanted to give you time to prepare yourselves."
Ben, whose gaze had gone to the ceiling as soon as his father's friend started talking, looked back at Rey. She blushed, cleared her throat, slid off his lap. When she held out her hand he took it and eased himself off the bed. He still favored one leg, but otherwise he didn't seem to be in much pain.
"All right," she murmured. "I promise I'll let you answer for Kylo Ren."
He nodded. "Thank you…"
"But I'm not about to keep my mouth shut. You can plead guilty all day long. I'm going to fight for you—and I'm not going to stop until they all realize that your mother would do the exact same thing if she were here."
Ben's broad shoulders slumped in a sigh. "You may be setting yourself up for a long battle, then."
"I don't care." Rey clenched her hands, determination igniting in her eyes. "I've fought for Ben Solo this long. I'm not about to stop now."
(*melts into a puddle-wuddle of self-induced feelings*)
Three quick notes for this chapter:
1) This isn't the first time I've written BB-8; my very first Star Wars story, written right after The Force Awakens came out, was all about his first meeting with Rey. You can find it on my profile; it's called "Safe and Sound." :)
2) Canonically, Ben is 10 years older than Rey. I don't know why, but this makes their relationship even more interesting to me. Maybe because they both have so much to teach each other, regardless of their age gap?
3) On a more technical note, I'm in the process of rewriting some of the upcoming chapters. I realized the other day that I was being rather self-indulgent with the fluff levels (*clears throat in embarrassment*), that I also may have been making things way too easy for my babes, and that things were moving far too slowly. So I'm reworking things and adding some more angst, whump, and Political Drama (TM). There will still be fluff, of course, but my intention was always to give Rey and Ben a realistic HEA and I'm *really* excited about where the story is going now! I just need a bit of extra time before I post Chapter 5-and by "extra time," I only mean about a week. My creativity is through the roof right now, so I'm not abandoning anything! And I really think the story will benefit from these tweaks and edits.
Thanks for all the lovely comments-y'all are awesome!