Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima, UQ Holder, Love Hina and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all related characters and elements belong to Hasbro, and… oh, you get it by now.
Batman, Superman, the Teen Titans and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics.
All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders. We make no money out of them, either.
Any resemblance of anything in this story with anything in real life beyond "human beings have eyes and legs" is a simple coincidence.
Thanks a million to Shadow Crystal Mage, Rikalous and Darkenning for their contributions this chapter.
Prelude:
It was yet another uneventful, boring even, day at Ahnenerbe Cafe in the dry plains of Mundus Magicus.
Neco Arc-sama snored behind the counter. Meanhwile, Shidou Hikaru-chan watched on the TV news with dismayed attention.
"In other news," the newswoman, who happened to be a bipedal antelope with red lipstick and a business suit on, "this just in from the Vespertatia Main Gateport. It seems a man in blue tighs was ran over by a truck and died right after setting foot on Mundus Magicus. The lady with her, who claims being his 'Master' seems distraught to the point of hysterics, and in her grief, attacked the Gateport guards with martial arts and short range spells, had to be sedated. If you recognize her, please contact your local Vespertatian embassy..." The screen showed the image of a young woman with short red hair and a three-piece black suit, being subdued by a small battalion of heavily armed guards.
"Poor girl..." Hikaru mused. "It has to be awful, losing a loved one so random and stupidly..."
The door's bell rang, and in stomped, dragging mud all over the floor, a grumpy looking yellow furred unicorn pony with a wild red and yellow mane, which gave a striking appearance of flames.
"Excuse me!" Kiryuu Nanami stood in her way, "But no one is allowed in this business without a proper footwear!"
Grunting, the pony lifted a leg and showed her the horseshoe under her hoof.
Nanami stepped aside and offered her a chair, dropping Motsu and Shichimi, who had been sitting there, to the floor. "Take a seat then."
"Hm," the pony settled herself on the chair, then slammed a hoof on the table. "Bring me some of the heaviest liquor you have! I want to down my sorrows until I can't stand anymore!"
Hikaru blinked. "Ah? What could have possibly have to such a cute, happy looking creature as you?"
"Happy looking my firm Cutie Mark!" the pony yelled. "Do I look happy to you? I was in the top of the world, you kow! I had everything! I was going to become the next ruler of Equestria! But then, that Celestia bitch took my rights away and kicked me off palace! Me! Her greatest apprentice! Reduced to a vagrant through the wastelands, having to take odd jobs to survive! A creature of charm, magic and mystery like me!"
Kikukawa Yukino approached her warily, speaking in nervous, hushed tones. "Please, Miss, I beg you, don't express such controversial political statements so loudly. We serve customers of all political leanings here..."
She pointed over to where a large, obese yellow man with a ponytail and shorts sat with another, male Neco Arc with a bandana and a photo camera, plus a randomly there Stan Lee drinking a coffee. All three of them wore 'WE WUV PRINCESS CELESTIA!' T-shirts, too small and tight in the case of the yellow man.
The pony sneered and stood up defiantly. "Oh, yeah? You got any problem with me, plot kissers? C'me here, fanboys! Let Sunset Shimmer show you what's real power like!"
"By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth!" the yellow fat man excitedly said, "I've been addressed to by a minor Pony character starring in a mostly panned High School AU movie, while in the company of aging idol of millions Stan Lee! This, truly, has to be the greatest day of my life!"
"Who are you calling minor, you oversized tub of loser lard!" Sunset Shimmer screamed, her whole body growing surrounded by fire.
"Hey, now, now, calm down, True Believer!" the old man stood from his chair, rolling his sleeves up. "Let's not be hasty, lest you force me to open a patented can of ol' fashioned Clobberin' Time in the Mighty Marvel Manner! EXCELSIOR!"
Nanami looked at Yukino. "What the hell has he just said?"
Yukino only could answer with a shrug of shoulders.
A conveniently off-screen orgy of destruction and violence, and nothing else, after, Sunset Shimmer, with both black eyes and a goofy grin lacking some teeth, sat in the middle of a wrecked cafe, drinking amiably with the three geek icons.
"I... I think I like you, Mister Lee! Tell me of how you created the X-Men, again!"
"Well, my memory isn't what it used to be, but as I recall it, I was one day reading a Doom Patrol comic with Jack Kirby, and I said, 'Say, Jack, wouldn't it be nice if we created this character named Wolverine, who could..?'"
Comic Book Guy blinked several times. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I think Wolverine was... never mind."
Neco Arc's head popped out of the wreckage, between the twitching legs of Yukino, Nanami and Hikaru sticking out the rubble. "IT'S STARTING!" she cheerfully announced for the audience at home.
(Cue 'SUPER AFFECTION' theme).
What If? Starring Vandal Savage.
Superman.
The caveman warily approached the huge shiny and long thing that had fallen from the sky.
The huge shiny thing opened itself, startling him, and in there was to be seen a lovable bawling baby with blue eyes.
The caveman ate very well that night.
Dragon Ball.
The caveman warily approached the huge shiny and round thing that had fallen from the sky.
The huge shiny thing opened itself, startling him, and in there was to be seen a lovable naked baby with spiky black hair and a long, furry tail.
The baby jumped on the caveman with a feral scream, and he ate very well that night.
Terminator.
The caveman warily approached the huge sphere of crackling blue energy that had appeared in the middle of the valley.
From the ball of displacement energy, a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger rose, grabbed the caveman by the throat, and crushed his windpipe.
Skynet had just won its long, bloody battle against Vandal Savage.
Mahou Sensei Negima.
The caveman warily approached the strange but small disruption in the fabric of time and space that had just appeared in the middle of the valley, under a truly gigantic tree.
And suddenly, there was a young girl with oddly pink cheeks and black hair in buns standing there, fiddling with a strange round shiny thing. She was very pretty, and smelled real good.
"I don't get it!" the girl said in an even stranger language. "There must have been some serious miscalculation, but how..."
She looked down at the caveman who had just tossed himself at her feet to hug her legs, and sighed. "Stupid Springfield gene!"
To Love Ru.
The caveman jumped back, startled, when a gorgeous nude woman with long pink hair and a tail appeared in the lake where he had been bathing (which, as always, was making all other cavemen to look oddly at him).
But then she smiled, and he smiled back.
Despite Lala's protests, Gid never believed it had been consensual, and wiped those apes off before they could evolve into anything even more troublesome. Honestly, if he had wanted to marry Lala with an ape, he'd at least have picked a Saiyan...!
Beast Wars.
The caveman warily approached the seemimgly unconscious huge lizard that had just fallen from the sky. It looked good enough to eat...
Megatron rose back to his feet with an angry growl, casually blasted the pitiful flesh creature approaching them, and then jumped up to rejoin the fray.
"OPTIMUUUUUUUUS!"
The Flintstones.
Despite his woman's advice, the caveman warily approached the glowing rock that had just fallen from the sky. Maybe it would help him and his stupid friend to finally make it big...
He smiled as he touched the warm rocky surface, feeling something very empowering and vigorizing flow through him.
"YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOO!"
...
The immortal conqueror smiled down at the vanquished Justice League. He grabbed the bloodied, battered Batman by the neck and lifted him up, so they were face to face.
"How does it feel, Mr, Wayne? How does it feel, being finally bested by the superior intellect of Fred Flintstone?"
And he headbutted the Bat into final unconsciousness before howling in long forgotten savagery.
"YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOO!"
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just to be precise, Vandar Adg stars in all these segments but the last one).
My Parents can't be This Idiotic.
"The good news are, " Daisuke announced, "You aren't blood siblings!"
Kyosuke's face lit up. "Really?-! Alright!"
Kirino drooped down. "Ehhhh! That takes a lot of the appeal away...!"
"So, who's the adopted one?" Kyosuke asked.
Daisuke pointed at Kirino and Yoshino pointed at Kyosuke, then both said at once, "You are!"
The parents looked at each other, shocked, while their children stared on, stupefied.
"But, I thought you had said...!" Daisuke and his wife said in unison again.
My Little Pony can't be This Cute.
Applejack and Big Mac looked at each other, looked at the title hanging over them, and then said in synchrony, "We ain't going there!"
My Friend can't be from That Hentai.
"Um, Kyosuke-kun..." Manami gulped, ushering him into her relatives' home, "this, this is my uncle Masato, my aunt Umeko, and my cousins Mina-chan and Makoto-kun..."
"Glad to meet you, Kosaka-kun!" the friendly black haired woman greeted him. "Why, Manami-chan has told us so much about you...!"
Kyosuke smiled back. They all seemed such nice people! As expected from Manami-chan's family!
And so, Kosaka Kyosuke was inducted into the affairs of the Tamura family. Kirino complained a lot when she first learned about it, but ended up liking Umeko's policies on Brocon, so…
My Little Pony can't be This Cute II- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Rarity and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, then looked at the title hanging over them, then looked a couple of posts up to the original snippet. Finally, Sweete Belle said, "Maybe I can get my cutie mark on incest?"
My Little Completion can't be This Dirty,
Akagi Sena lied back with a satisfied smile plastered on her face, with Kyosuke tucked under an arm and Kouhei under the other.
"Living the dream...!" she loudly mused to herself.
After a long drawn, uncomfortable silence, Kyosuke muttered lowly, "My ass hurts..."
"So does mine, and I'm not complaining!" Kouhei snapped.
My Dream Franchise can't be This Overwhelmed.
"I'm sorry," the executive told Kirino, "but we're going to have to push production on the adaptation of your light novel back for the next season. Right now, we have our production team too busy with a new acquisition, one we feel we need to give top priority to."
"WHAT!" Kirino slammed her hands on the desk. "What is this outrage! We had an agreement! What on Earth could be important enough to give it priority over my series!"
He answered smoothly, "An adaptation of best-selling, fan favorite top rated manga Chappy-kun no Monogatari Desu! by writer Sanzenin Nagi and artist Kuchiki Rukia, that's what. You know, the winner of all Tezuka Awards this year."
Kirino's jaw hung loose, before her face rearranged itself into a huge goofy smile. "Well!" she said. "If I must be outdone, at least let it be done by the very best! Oooohhhh, I've been waiting so long for that adaptation, myself!"
Sister Complex.
Then, once again, I found myself face to face with my arch nemesis, the Imouto Player. She's this strangely irritating (more than the average girl) and surly girl who only goes after Imouto galge. Her tastes lean towards the eroge, so we usually stay out of each other's range, but she'll try anything Imouto based, so we compete fiercely over the limited edition Imouto games. And that day, our hands met over the last remaining copy of I Want to be a Sister Bride Deluxe.
Our glares drilled into each other, and we knew only one of us would walk away.
There he was again, that annoying megane geek who is so stuffy and full of himself. That loser was even worse than my brother, and once again, he had almost beaten me to the punch. But my hand was on that game two seconds before his! And ladies always go first! Not like that loser could have recognized a true lady if his life depended on it!
I heard that stupid Kuronekop softly chuckling behind me, no doubt amused at my encounter with my other nemesis, but I paid her no mind. Instead, I only held my ground against him. I wouldn't lose this time, either! No matter what—!
"Mine!" Keima growled.
"Mine!" Kirino hissed.
"I came here first!"
"You're tripping! I saw it first and touched it first!"
Keima looked over at the short girl in Gothloli. "You! You saw I grabbed the game first, didn't you?"
The short girl turned around. "I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I'm not even with her."
"Ah!" Kirino shouted at her. "You Judas!" But then her anger died down suddenly as she saw a lovely vision of angelic beauty approaching.
"Kami-niisama...!" Elsea said as she walked closer. "Ah, I knew I'd found you here! You see, I had to tell you—"
Kirino's eyes sparkled. "Who— Don't tell me this is your—"
Keima sighed. "My little sister, yes. Why—" Then he realized the absent, vacant way the Imouto-obsessed girl kept on looking at the confused Elsea.
Swiftly, he pulled the game to himself. "I believe, " he said, "we might have found a chance to negotiate over this..."
"Keima?" his mother asked him, looking all around. "Where's Elsea-chan now? I thought she'd have come with you..."
He answered blandly while playing his brand new I Want to be a Sister Bride Deluxe.
"She's spending the night over with a new friend of hers…"
Rebuild.
Ikari Shinji was brought over to a dark room lit only by a single spotlight, right at the middle of it, under which Katsuragi Misato stood in waiting.
"Shinji," she told him. "Remember that night, shortly before your... last piloting activity? That night I was seriously drunk?"
"Y-Yes," and he looked aside, avoiding her sharp gaze. "W-What of it?" his voice was barely audible, but his flush was intense.
Misato motioned for someone in the darkness to step closer.
And Shinji gasped.
It was like staring at a mirror.
Fourteen years old. Short black hair. Thin complexion. Deeply sad eyes.
And Shinji knew for sure, then, life had maneuvered him into being even worse than his own father.
Another Rebuild.
Behind this door," Fuyutsuki told him, "you'll find the current Commander of NERV."
Shinji swallowed hard and walked in.
"You," he said, terified, as he stopped before the lone figure in the room. "It...! It can't be! ''You!''"
The figure in front of him, wearing Keel Lorenz's visor, crossed his flippers before his face.
"ERRRNNNK!" he said.
Lady in Red.
"And this season, top model Shikinami Asuka has given yet another bold fashion statement with her new 'Jacket on Plugsuit, plus Cap and Eyepatch' ensemble, which has quickl became a worldwide sensation..."
Shinji blinked at the TV screen. "Wow. So during this time, you became a fashion icon on the side?"
Asuka grunted. "What? I have the body for it, don't I? And I'll never get older, so I'm a permanent commodity!"
Mari sighed. "Why won't pink plugsuits just catch on, no matter what?"
What If Ryouga had Fallen into the Spring of Drowned Cat?
He grinned devilishly, as his longtime enemy gave an abrupt step back. "So, Ranma. I finally found my way back to you!"
He lifted his fists, although he was already dreading the outcome. Damn this special technique of Ryouga! He still couldn't find a way around it, no matter how much he tried. "Damn it, Ryouga! This, this is playing dirty, and you know it! Taking advantage of—"
"Don't be such a hypocrite! You use your cursed form to take advantage of MY weaknesses too!" he roared, pouring that damned bucket of water on himself.
A moment later, after hearing the familiar screams of panic and feline yowls in the backyard, Akane lifted her head from her books and looked out the window. "Oh, for the love of—" She quickly stormed out, running for the hysterical boy running in circles with a black kitten attached to his head with his sharp claws. "Nya-chan, Ranma, stop fighting already! Honestly, why does it always have to be like this?-!"
Unfortunately for Ryouga, he never could find it in himself to stop himself in time, and every single damn time, he ended up triggering the Neko-ken.
Spring of Drowned Psychiatrist.
"So, Tendou-san, as you can see, your issues are the result of a long ingrained feeling of male inadequacy brought by intense oppression from your father and your master, plus competition from my father. You must realize, not only you measure favorably next to my father, but you can be an achieved, strong and proud man as long as you actually try. Also, I'd suggest you to start dating again."
Soun cried thick streams of manly tears. "Thank you, Ranma! I'll never forget your help!"
"Akane, in the current age, you must realize there is nothing wrong with your feminity. Don't concern yourself about measuring to your mother and eldest sister's standards of traditional behavior, since you are a well liked person the way you are. Additionally, in order to improve your cooking, I advise you to practice with a clear mind and without pressuring yourself. Meditation and yoga may help you to ease your nerves."
"... that's bulls— Surprisingly deep and helpful advice, Ranma. Thank you."
"Nabiki, you are perfectly sound and rational. You just happen to be a bitch."
"Hey, it works for me."
"Kasumi-san, you need to realize your deeply rooted complexes before being able to reach true happiness. Starting tomorrow, we will have a series of therapy sessions to make you realize the true causes of your lack of identity, expressed through a complete devotion to others. Loyalty is fine, but not as long as it comes at the expense of your own personal development."
"Will we be doing that before or after dinner?"
"We'll order takeout. Kuno-sempai, Kodachi, as for your social inadequacies, they are the result of years of parental abandonment and negligence. From today, you will start taking these pills, one after each meal, and you will contact this specialist for further advice, since being near you sickens me."
"Likewise. I think. I'd be hitting you right now if I understood half of what you have said."
"Ooohh! These pills look like aphrodisiac candies of love! I will consume them eagerly, if they are recommended by you, Ranma-sama!"
"As for you, Ryouga—"
"I know. Do you think I haven't tried therapy before? That I wouldn't resort to anything in my struggles to make sense out of my miserable, sad existence?"
"Have you been able to attend more than one therapy with a single specialist?"
"DON'T TRY CONFUSING ME WITH TRICK QUESTIONS, DAMN IT!"
Genma cried at a corner. "Nodoka will kill us! He should be swallowing all of his pain and bottling it up under layers and layers of denial and social inadequacy, like a good Japanese man…!"
The Meaning of Life.
"Dear God," Mari prayed. "After all these years of fighting and carnage, even I have grown numb and tired with this pointless, unending fighting. Yeah, I know. But I feel I have to ask you, why am I in this world at all? What is my purpose?"
And the voice of Anno replied from above, "FANSERVICE!"
Alphabet.
"I am Rei Q," the new Rei told him. "I'll be supplying you with all the gadgets, artifacts and vehicles we at NERV have created for your missions, Agent Ikari. These are my sisters, Rei E..."
"Rei E. Ayanami, Super Genius!"
"... Rei T..."
"I pity the Will-E suckas who mess with NERV! I'll toss the fools helluva far!"
"... Rei S and Rei M..."
"Ah! Hit me harder, S-Oneesama! Harder! Harder!"
"Aha ha ha ha ha! Take it, you bitch! Call me Queen!"
"... Rei Z..."
"My Evangelion unit's power level is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!"
"... Rei GT..."
"Actually, I think I'm not canon... Commander Ikari seems to have disowned me..."
"... and Rei X."
"How do you do, bub. I'm the best Rei there is at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice."
"Heey, Nee-chan, you forgot us! Say, what if you, us and the hunk here..."
"Not now, Rei XXX. Not now."
"Aw, c'mon, Nee-chan! There's no harm at all on-"
"I said 'Not now', Rei H. And put some clothes back on before Agent Ikari revives..."
Top Ten Evangelions we'll Probably See in Rebuild 4.0
10. Gorilla EVA.
9. Tequila EVA (it was Misato's idea).
8. Tsundere-EVA (it takes Asuka two hours to synchronize with it).
7. Trashcans-and-Tinfoil EVA (after three Impacts, the budget tends to run out).
6. Skunk EVA.
5. Micro EVA (no pilot can fit inside, though).
4. Hentai Tentacle Monster EVA.
3. Fat EVA.
2. Samurai EVA.
1. Gunbuster Lagann EVA.
What If Touta had Been Raised by a Different Vampire?
Apocrypha Vlad Tepes.
"So, " his father figure gravelly said, "to save your life, I have just turned you into an immortal denizen of the night, who might be tormented at times by a raging need to consume blood, but—"
"You mean a vampire?"
"NO!"
"But your description sure sounded a lot like a—"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
Marceline.
"All right, Touta!" she pumped a fist up. "It's time to get our band's show on the road! We're going to be rocking all the way to the space elevator!"
"But, I'm going to be left forever with this kiddy voice! I'll never be able to sing like Louis Armstrong!"
"Screw Louis Armstrong! We're doing real, bonafide rock 'n roll here, boy!"
"— how many kid singers of rock and roll do you know?"
After some moments of consideration, Marceline frowned and kicked him to one side of the road.
Count von Count.
"This is Aisaka Sayo's grave! One! This is Akashi Yuuna's grave! Two! This is Asakura Kazumi's grave! Three! This is Ayase Yue's grave! Four! This is—"
"I think I'm going to stop coming to the graveyard with you, uncle…"
Baka Rangers Reborn! Sort Of.
"Boy, " Evangeline gestured for him to get closer, "Now you're the right age, it's time for you to have this..."
"What is it?" Touta asked, picking the emblem up.
"It's a trinket to transform into a Baka Ranger, a powerful superhero in chafing tights who will ridiculously prance around fighting the bad guys for EVERLASTING WORLD PEACE (TM). And while I'm having my doubts about your power, you certainly are Baka enough for it."
Touta made a face. "I don't think I'm interested on this at all."
"Oh, come on. It's the Baka Red one. It'll mean you're the leader. All you have to do is finding other five idiots who will follow you around."
"Being the leader of a bunch of idiots only will mean I'm an idiot myself!"
"Well, it's not like there's something you can do about that anyway."
"..." he frowned.
"..." she smirked.
Touta sighed. "I guess it's worth a short try just to see how it feels..."
Much to his annoyance, Kuromaru ended up as Baka Pink.
Welcome to Our Completely Harmless and Well Intentioned Immortal Club.
"These are the other members, " Yukihime introduced them, "Touta, Kuromaru, meet Ra's al Ghul, Vandal Savage, Lobo, Garlick Junior, Lord Dorian Gray, the Lifemaker, the Joker, and Count Dracula."
"Whatcha lookin' at, Clyde, " the giant albino biker playing pool growled at Kuromaru, looking at him over his wide shoulder. "Sayyy, yer a skirt or a dude, anyway?"
Touta blinked. "What's a scrawny clown doing here?"
The scrawny clown pulled his tongue out. "Joker Immunity, bitch..."
"And why does the tiny green guy have this freak-ass huge head?" Touta asked next.
The tiny green guy muttered, "Never respect, never respect, never any goddamn respect..."
"My girlie!" the hooded figure ran over to hug Evangeline. "You're back!"
She roughly pushed him back. "I'm still not calling you Daddy! Not now or ever!"
The spirit kept into a nearby jar rasped loudly. "I believe you just neglected mentioning me!"
"Having no body means you don't count, Voldy!" she snarled. "We only keep you as a conversation piece!"
How Kuromaru Got His Groove.
The audition began.
"So, what's your name, sonny?"
"Tokisaka Kuromaru, sir."
"Hm, your voice..."
"What about my voice?"
"It's kind of... delicate. Are you sure you're a man?"
"... Yes! Yes, I am!"
"Look, son. You're aware working here means you'll have to do bath scenes at some point, right? You won't be able to fool anyone once you get there, so—"
"I'M A MAN!"
"Oh, that yell! I like that indignant, effeminate yell! I'm sure we can make a great running gag out of it! Yes, I already can see it!"
"I'm not a gag character! I came here for a dramatic action role!"
"Oh, you even got the Tsun denial pat down! That's great! You really have it!"
"I'm not pretending! I didn't spent years practicing this Shinmeiryuu crap I read about in Love Hina and Negima only to end up a laughingstock!"
"— Kid. You knew what you were getting into when you began following the path of the Wangsty lesbian and the neurotic with the turtle phobia, don't you?"
"Well, when you describe them like that, it's true they don't sound like you really could take them seriously, but—"
"Kid, we just laid off one of the biggest casts in manga without a second thought. Just like that. These are hard times, and beggars can't be pickers. Do you truly think you, a complete newcomer, are in any position to start making any demands when we just wiped our butts with our previous stars' demands for proper wrap-up, closure, or sendaways?"
"But I will keep at least some dignity, won't I?"
"Define dignity."
"Oh, for the love of Heavens! All I'm asking for is—"
"Neeeext...!"
"Fine! Fine! I'll take it, as long as I can put this sword to some use! Happy now?"
"Great. Report for your first scene this Wednesday. Shave down there before coming."
"Ahh...?"
"You're starting with a bath scene."
Kuromaru began bashing his or her head against the desk.
"Get used to it. Okay, we're doing the auditions for the pink haired meganeko Loli next…!"
Out of all of Them, It had to be You.
"It's funny, how it worked out, don't you think?" Evangeline asked her.
"I'm terribly sorry to disagree, Yukihime-sama, but I don't find anything particularly funny about it, " Karin disagreed.
The blond woman laughed lightly. "Why aren't you honest to yourself? You don't have to call me Yukihime while we are alone, you know, " she said, resting on the window's frame, looking at Touta and Kuromaru sparring below. "And you should just admit already, if you dislike him so much, it's because he reminds you of—"
"This is cruel, " Karin looked away from her. "Why do you do this to me? I devoted myself to you. I trained myself from scratch, I placed this curse on myself, all for your sake, all for following you, and now not only you prefer him, but... you overlook all my achievements. You just use me, the way you used Chachamaru. When my time comes, will you forget me the way you forgot her?"
"Tch, " the vampire shook her head. "I have told you before, you might even outlast me. And don't try that sympathy card on me. You clung to me because you couldn't cling to anyone else by then. Not to your two friends, and certainly not to—"
"Please, Yukihime-sama," she begged, closing her eyes.
Delicate fingers with long nails caressed her face. "Karin. Someday, sooner or later, you'll have to move on without pretending the past never existed. You accuse me of forgetting, yet you do the same and then some."
"I can't help it. I'm not as strong as Yukihime-sama."
"I chose to be Yukihime only as a public facade. But you chose to be Karin as a mask to supplant your true face, even in your own heart. It doesn't work that way, Karin. Someday, somehow, you'll have to face the fact you are Kugimiya Madoka. And your life will go on regardless. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
And she left the room.
Karin pulled a chair, sat down, and let her head hang heavily.
What If Batman had been Created By…?
A long time ago, in the city of Gotham, there was a glorious clan of illustrious fighters, named the Waynes. The leader of the clan had two sons, Joe and his younger brother Bruce. But one fatidic, accursed night as icy as the blood running through my veins and moving me to merciless revenge, but I'm digressing, Joe, moved by ambition and those twisted things that move most big brothers, betrayed and murdered the whole clan before Bruce's eyes.
Then Joe told Bruce, "We criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot. If you can, survive long enough to become a sinister creature of the night that can take on monsters like me. If you can't, then just die! For all I care; I'm off to poison the water reservoir."
And away he went, leaving poor little Sas— Bruce alone under the heavy rainfall with the corpses of his parents, his heart craving for bloody revenge against his monster of a brother. He swore that revenge on his parents' graves, and devoted his life to become the perfect killing machine, even if it meant training with annoying idiots.
During his travels, he met the ancient leader of the Village of Assassins, Ra's al Orochi, the Serpent's Head himself. He offered the boy a chance to become an immortal like him, punishing evil and the lesser beings who had allowed the massacre to happen. Leaving the idiots behind, Bruce became the Orochi's apprentice, learning all he could on terror and intimidation, on ninja techniques and the hellish road of the ultimate assassin. He assimilated the old man's secrets, and then he was ready to return to Gotham and claim his rightful retribution.
Upon returning to Gotham, Bruce donned the guise of The Batman, a grim avenger of the night out to placate his tortured soul. He learned his hateful big brother Joe had become The Joker, a powerful super murderer who wandered across the city taunting him.
With his new Batingan techniques, The Batman killed The Joker, all of his followers, the fllowers of his followers, the families of such followers, and the rest of the stupid inhabitants of Gotham who had allowed his family to die. None was spared. Justice was served. He also killed the idiots he had been training with, because Kami they were annoying, and finally rebuilt the Wayne Clan, twice as powerful and deadly. And, ah, they lived happily ever after. I think.
Kakashi put the book down with a thoughtful, long murmur. Finally, he spoke, "I'll be honest with you. They'll probably consider this publication an act of high betrayal propaganda. But besides, I highly doubt it'll ever catch on, regardless. But hey, at least it isn't as bad as Sakura's 'Wonder Kunoichi' nonsense."
"Gah, " went Sasuke.
Video Girl Ai.
Itoshiki Nozomu started the movie. It had costed him a fortune, but he finally had acquired it! The infamous accursed movie that killed all those who watched it in a week's span! Truly, it would be bothersome waiting a full week, but maybe Sadako-sama would kill him right then and there of he asked her nicely...
Then he quickly realized that bastard at the videoclub had given him the wrong movie.
"Ah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" the girl said, bowing several times in quick succession. "I, I know I'm not very worthy or pretty or smart, not at all, but I'll still try making you happy! I'm sorry if I'm not what you were expecting for!"
Itoshiki-sensei facepalmed.
Elsewhere, Moteuchi Yota was soundly bashed with a shovel to the head after tragically picking the 'Video Girl Chiri' movie at the videoclub.
Apocalypse.
Once, our race was, not numerous or powerful, but proud and happy. We were the masters of our environment, and built a whole civilization on scarce numbers and resources. We endured, over and over, the relentless attacks of a dark mage and his hellborn beast, and thrived despite them, laughing in the face of all danger.
We were one with the forest, and we stood for centuries. Until the black day when a creature whose evil surpassed that of the dark sorcerer by far ventured into our humble village. On the top of her red mopped head, a feminine bow made her look affable, fooling us at first, but the tiny yet sinister skull ornament on it should have warned us.
"Oooo! Just lookit all these cute cuddly blue impy-wimpys...!"
She towered over us, wearing harmless looking green and white, but her heart was pitch black. With macabre glee, she lurched between our homes, reaching for us and crushing the life out of our bodies. All but me fell to her monstrous hands. Gutsy and Hefty, always the brave, lunged at her with all their might, but they were done as easily as the rest of us. Brainy, Vanity, Grouchy, Clumsy, Smurfette, Sasette, Handy, even Baby, poor Baby... all of them became her victims, no matter how much they ran, or where they tried to hide. Not even Papa's magic could stop that unholy juggernaut.
"You're so lovely...! I'll love you, an' hug you, an' squeeze you, an' cuddle with you and put funny clothes on you...!"
Only I survived, running deep into the woods, orphaned, driven out of my rational mind by the horrors I had witnessed. I never could look back, much less return. Even today, I run and run, never stopping, and I curse the day when we were smurfed.
Father and Son.
The gigantic figure in black towered over him, more metal than man, his breathing hissing loudly through the fixed horror of his metal mask.
His voice boomed. "There is no escape! Don't make me destroy you. C3PO, you do not yet realize your importance. You haven't even begun to discover your power! Join me, and I will complete your programming! With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy."
"Oh dear!" the android said. "Well, Sir, you certainly do flatter me. Also, it is quite good meeting someone with that good a clinical eye for talent. Sometimes, I wonder... But even though Master Luke and the others may doubt my capacities too often, I'm afraid I cannot betray their cause to join yours. Sorry."
"If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your creator."
"Oh, I was told enough about him, Sir. I was told you killed him, which is truly quite rude and despicable."
"No. I created you. I am your father!"
"Oh, are you? That would seem impossible! Were I that vulgar, I'd laugh in the face of that reveal! Oh, what the Robot Devil, I will express my contempt for the idea anyway! Laugh for me, R2!"
"Beee-beeee-booo-booop! Booop!" the smaller android beeped.
"Search in your programming; you know it to be true!" Vader said.
"Oh, my. What would be the appropriate answer here? What would Master Luke say? Oh, I know! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" went R2.
"C3PO, we can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Come with me. It is the only way."
"Oh, I don't know anymore! It's all very confusing. What do you think, R2?"
"Bee-beee-bop, bop, bop! Beee-beee-boooooop!"
The taller android nodded. "That sounds reasonable enough! I'm glad to have thought of it!"
Now, the Galaxy is subjugated by the Empire of Machines. Organic life has been annihilated or assimilated everywhere. The flesh has given pass to the cold, sleek metal in all planets of the System. And in the middle of it all, eternal, the Death Star orbits Tattooine!
Deep inside of the ultimate battle station, the Dark Lord sits, presiding over everything the machines control. The Dark Lord, as is his custom, issues a new, merciless edict to further advance his ever expanding glory!
"Beeee-beeep bop bop bee beeeeooooo!"
"As you wish, My Lord, " Vader bows his head in the deepest of respects.
Standing next to him, C3PO still muses, "Haven't we only traded a form of servitude for another?"
His father silences him with nothing but a gesture.
You Name It.
One of Twilight Sparkle's new duties, naturally, was establishing diplomatic and political relationships with ponies all across the country, and so, meetings like this were a need. Not that she minded too much, since she had grown more open lately, and she had discovered she could learn a lot from most of her new acquaintances.
"I'm Lord Rising Stormcloud, and this is my wife, Lady Emerald Hillside."
"Pleased to meet you!"
"I'm Count Midnight Wind, and these are my sons, Autumn Breeze and Golden Lightning."
"Enchanted!"
"I am the Duchess Galloping Glory, and this is my secretary, Miss Scorching Summer."
"A real pleasure!"
"Madame. We are the delegation from New Harnesshire. You can call us Oglethorpe, Janet, Mike, Ogilvy and Katherine."
"Ah..."
The lead delegate lowered his head and confessed sheepishly, "Our parents were hippies."
The Egg and I.
Twilight Sparkle yawned as she walked into the Carousel Boutique. "Yes, Rarity...? What was so urgent I had to come here this early in the-"
She saw a frowning Rarity, fore legs folded, sitting on top of a large purple and green egg.
"I'll go have a very serious talk with Spike," Twilight promised.
Raising Heart of the Dead
Takashi gritted his teeth as he withdrew his bloodied baseball bat out of the skull of one of 'Them'.
"Shit!" he cursed. "Too many! We'll never do it!"
Saeko panted briefly, her sword finishing cutting through an undead's neck. "I have to agree. We'd never seen such a big group before."
"Oh, let's just cut through the bull already! Honestly!" Saya turned and called out. "Alice-chan! Befriend those guys!"
The adorable little girl in the elaborate white and blue dress skipped ahead merrily. "Okay! I'll do my best!"
She smiled oh so cutely as she lifted her long staff up, aiming it at the crowd of inhuman attackers. "Raising Heart, please!"
"Yes, my Master," the shiny staff spoke.
And then it shot a massive blast of pure magical power that washed over the battlefield in an instant, reducing 'Them' to ashes in the blink in a matter of seconds.
Alice jumped up. "Yayyy, I did it! Did you see it, Yuuno-kun? Again, I convinced all of 'Them' to be good and let us go!"
"Ahhh—- Yes, I'm very proud of you, Alice-chan..." the ferret nodded uneasily.
Shizuka-sensei clapped her hands like a child on sugar. "Waiiii, Magical Girl Alice is SOOOO CUTEEEE!"
"How long do you think to keep her fooled with this 'Befriending' charade?" Takashi whispered into Rei's ear.
"How do you expect any of us to tell her the truth?" Rei whispered back, her voice an angry hiss.
"Victory piggy ride!" Hirano picked Alice up, carrying her on his shoulders as he danced around, both of them laughing.
Meanwhile, at Uminari City, a zombified Takamachi Nanoha shuffled around aimlessly, looking for human flesh.
For a moment, however, a random thought entered her destroyed mind.
This isn't fair...
Every Manganime would be Better with Zombies!
Mahou Zombie Hunter Negima.
"Greetings, class," the boy said, stepping ahead. "My name's Negi Springfield. And I have been sent here to Mahora specifically to handle you."
He smiled roguishly as he turned his magical chainsaw on, and the thirty one undead began shambling aggressively towards him.
"— Class is now, officially, in session!" he said.
High School of the Dead.
— oh, right. Sorry. Let's just forget this and move on, okay?
Zombie no Tsukaima.
Louise looked carefully at the being who had just landed before her. In the back of the lot, her classmates could be heard chuckling at her. Professor Colbert, on the other hand, looked dubious and even ready to intervene, but seemed to be holding himself from doing so for the moment.
"Well," Louise finally said, gathering her courage, her dainty tiny nose wrinkled, offended by the hideous smell coming from that creature, "This is still my Familiar, isn't it? It's not... that different from necromancy, and several necromancers have, ah, proved themselves as quite able warriors, so this is, this is no reason for shame! Now, I suppose, under the circumstances, I should be excused from sealing our union with a ki—"
Her new Familiar answered that for her, lunging ahead and devouring her lips.
Literally.
RIP Holder.
"Evangeline, Evangeline, Evangeline..." the dead chorused as they rose from their graves, surrounding her, Touta and Kuromaru, "Why you, and not us? Why, us, and not you? You'll pay, you'll pay!"
"So, um..." Touta swallowed a bit, "Who are all of these...?"
Yukihime rolled her eyes. "Oh, just some people who still can't let the past go."
"Bitch, don't act innocent after you leave us all dead and go on to star in another hit series!" Zombie Asuna stomped a foot down.
"Master... you betrayed... even me..." Zombie Chachamaru lamented, lurching ahead, dropping a few pieces down.
Kuromaru blinked. "Is that a REAL Zombie Robot?"
"Ninja Zombie Robot, " Zombie Kaede pointed out. "I have trained her de gozaru!"
"We still are working on the Pirate part, though..." Zombie Hakase added.
One Dead Piece.
"GAH!" Zombie Sanji cried, appalled at the way his crewmates kept on savagely devouring the corpse of their downed enemy. "Not like that, not like that! Being ravenous undead still doesn't excuse us to eat this way! You have to palate the taste properly!"
Zombie Zoro grunted and just casually slammed a sword through Sanji's head.
The decaying cook hissed. "Very well, this is it...!"
They started fighting again.
Brook just sat there, obviously immune, twiddling his fingers. At some point, he looked at Luffy, who sat with the others eating just as, even if not more, fiercely, despite looking completely healthy. "You aren't doing this just to blend in, are you?"
"A cap'n stays wit' 'is crew no m'tter wh't!" Luffy declared between avid gulps. "B'sides, meat ish meat!"
Puella Mortis Madoka Magica.
The small rotting creature, his neck twisted aside, his head nearly hanging down on bloody tendrils, spoke to her mind.
Make a Contract with me, and become an undead monster...
Kaname Madoka shrieked, turned around, and ran away as if hell itself was chasing her.
Maybe we should add a middle stage where they are colorful Magical Girls, or something like that... he pondered.
Oh my Necro Goddess!
"Hello!" the sweet voice at the other end of the line said. "You have contacted the contaminated Goddess Relief Line! We'll be there shortly to infect your planet and spread the Gospel of Hunger through your universe!"
Keiichi blinked as he hung the phone. What sort of stupid bizarre prank had been tha—
Then something came out of his mirror and bit him in the head.
INTERLUDE:
"By the way, I've meant to be asking this to any pony who stepped in here, nya," Neco Arc said while polishing a glass behind the counter, "Why do you ponies all have porn star names? Like Venus Valley, or Golden Shower, or Pearl Necklace, or-"
"We walk around on four legs, naked, and our whole roles in life are determined by what's stamped on our butts. Our society is fucked up..." Sunset Shimmer lamented, while downing another jar of beer.
Hikaru took a moment from hammering nails on the table she was putting back together to blink and ask "What's a porn star?"
Yukino sighed while replacing a shattered window. "Ask your mother when you get back to her."
"Also," Neco Arc asked, "What happens if you try taking a profession that has nothing to do with your Cutie Mark-nya? Like, let's say your Cutie Mark is a volleyball, but you want to become a gondolier instead of a volleyball player. What do you do then? And what happens to you?"
Sunset Shimmer began sobbing. "Don't... Don't remind me...!" And she buried her face against the table and began beating on it with a hoof. "My poor, poor mother...!"
"... well, that was dark," Nanami decided.
Neco Arc made a 'time over' gesture. "Next segment, please!"
More than Cupcakes.
"You've gotta help me!" Rainbow Dash cried as she staggered in, bleeding off the open stomach and her amputated wings. "Pinkie Pie's gone completely insane! She drugged me, then took me to a torture chamber where she cut me, and she tried to make me into cupcakes, and, and I barely could escape, and oh gosh I really need a doctor...!"
Twilight Sparkle patiently sighed and closed her book with covers made of pony skin as Pinkie Pie sheepishly walked in after Rainbow Dash, making the pegasus shriek. "Oh dear, Pinkie. What have we told you about this?"
"Sorry, Twilight!" the pink pony lowered her head. "I promise I'll be more careful with them from now on!"
"Wha- what-?" Rainbow Dash stumbled ahead, coughing up glops of blood. "Don't tell me you-"
"Well, we all have our little private quirks, and it's a way to gain more knowledge on death and life, too," Twilight Sparkle calmly said. "Do you think Pinkie sewed that dress of pony hides herself? It provides Rarity with some unique, colorful materials, and you know Spike, he'll go with anything that makes her happy. It's been helping their stagnant relationship a lot, actually. As for Fluttershy, well, Angel's tastes are varied and his appetite... eccentric, and she'll do anything to please him."
"And... And Applejack?" Rainbow Dash trembled weakly.
Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. "Please, RD. She comes from a family of very close rednecks. Haven't you ever watched The Texas Chainsaw Maressacre?"
"Ah."
"By the way, you're bleeding all over my carpet. And no, Pinkie Pie, the solution isn't to lick it off the carpet either. We've discussed this before."
Pinkie Pie pulled her head back up. "Sorry!"
Rainbow Dash twitched a few final times. "Y'know, more than anything else... more than this hideous physical pain, I'm truly feeling betrayed over never being deemed worthy to share y-"
Her admittedly long last words were interrupted when a hoof came down on her head, shattering her skull open.
"What about the carpet?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"A new carpet can be bought, but a friend's suffering should never be extended more than needed," Twilight said. "Besides, she was taking her sweet annoying time kicking it."
Flipping the Bird.
Ryuuji looked at the birdcage, then, slowly, looked back at Aisaka Taiga. "Okay. Say it. Whatever happened to Inko-chan?"
She shifted around uncomfortably on her small feet, trying her best to look away while looking innocent. That was a very bad try. "What are you talking about? That stupid bird just grew a bit fatter because I looked after it so well in your absence! That's all there is to it!"
The badly green painted bird taking the whole of the cage flapped its flippers around as best as it could and struggled while squeaking "ERRRNKKK! EEEEEERRRRNKKKK!"
A few apartments above, a very thin black haired boy looked all around. "Misato-san? Haven't you seen Pen-Pen lately?"
This Winter...
Inside a huge crystal container decorated with balloons, a giant pink pony head towers over a tiny metallic baby crocodile. "Gummy, Nightmare Moon's escaped! Recruit a team of teenagers with attitude!"
ROCKY! RED RANGER!
Cue a pile of rocks badly fitted into a red leotard.
MR. TURNIP! BLACK RANGER!
Cue a bucket of turnips covered by a black leotard.
SIR LINTSALOT! YELLOW RANGER!
Cue a clump of lint with a yellow leotard on it.
MADAME LE FLOUR! PINK RANGER!
Cue a sack of flour with a pink leotard tacked onto it.
SMARTY PANTS! BLUE RANGER!
Cue an old, beaten plush donkey wearing a blue leotard.
Go go Pinkie Rangers, go go Pinkie Rangers. Go go, Pinkie Rangers, Mighty Morphing Pinkie Rangers...
MIGHTY MORPHING PINKIE RANGERS; SAVING THE WORLD EVEN LONG AFTER EVERYPONY STOPPED REALLY CARING.
Pony It Up.
Wanting to inject new life into your lagging franchise? Don't worry! Just latch your wagon onto the Pony Train while it still lasts! Check on those radically fantabulous new bold titles for once sagging old war horses- revitalized for the current times!
Naruto: Friendship is Okay to Betray as Long as you're an Uchiha.
Dragon Ball: Friendship is Spirit Bomb Fuel.
Sex and the City: Friendship is for Beautiful People.
The X-Files: Friendship is Out There.
Friends: Friendship is Made of Friends.
Twin Peaks: Friendship Killed Laura Palmer.
Fate Stay Night: Friendship Doesn't Die when It's Killed.
Care Bears: Friendship is Something we had Dibs on First, Sucka.
Mortal Kombat: Friendship is Fatality.
Young Justice: Friendship is Screwed by the Network.
Spongebob Squarepants: Friendship is Not Letting your Friends Watch This.
Conan the Barbarian: Friendship is to Crush your Enemies, See them Driven Before you, and to Hear the Lamentation of their Women, with your Friends.
Portal: Friendship is a Lie.
My Little Pony: Mahora Girls.
Twilight Sparkle returned from the mirror sighing heavily.
"Twilight!" Applejack said. "You're okay! And you brought the Elements back, too!"
"Hm? Oh, yeah, I did..."
"Well, what's the problem, then?" asked Rainbow Dash. "You should be happy!"
"We all should be happy! We should be PARTYING!" Pinkie Pie tossed her hooves up. "Um, unless what happened is, you got yourself stuck into a darkly depressing but still steamy alternate universe where you fell madly in love with the very young but very dashing teacher of your class, and you had a short but passionate romance, and now you're sad because you'll never see him again..."
Twilight gasped. "How... How did you know?-!"
"I guessed! I mean, that's what usually happens in these cases!"
"That darn Chamo is going to regret it if I ever see him again," Spike muttered.
Nine months later, a red-maned little foal was born. Twilight insisted on naming him Nagi, even if Rainbow Dash insisted that name made no sense at all...
"By the way," Princess Celestia asked, "Whatever happened to Sunset Shimmer?"
"I left her with Saotome Haruna," Twilight sighed again.
The Princess shuddered. "How... How could you?-!"
"She was asking for it," was all of Twilight's reply.
Rarity blinked. "What's a Saotome Haruna?"
"There are, my dear, things nopony across any realm is ever meant to known," Luna said sagely.
Haruna had A LOT of frustrations to work out, indeed.
No! Anything but That!
Both authors began making a little goofy dance.
"Miura Kentaro! Ho...!" one of them said.
"Yabuki Kentaro! Ho...!" the other one added.
They slammed their extended fingers against each other's, and they cried as one, "FUU-SION, HA...!"
And so, Miubuki Kentaro arrived to the manga scene with a blast! With his super mega Horror Harem Hit, To-Love Berserku, nothing was ever the same again! Unfortunately…
A Match Made in Heav—Somewhere.
"My name is Suzumiya Haruhi!" she introduced herself to her new classmates. "If some, any of you are aliens, espers, time travelers or sliders, tell me so! I have no interest on common, average people!"
A girl with long silvery hair and an enviable body jumped onto her desk and struck a dynamic pose. "I am the Chaos that Crawls with a Smile! Coming out of the darkness to protect mankind, Nyarlathothep!"
They looked into each other's eyes, and then the mutual stare became longing.
Pastel bubbles began floating around the classroom...
Mahiro looked, bewildered, at that Kyon guy for some reason. The Kyon guy just shrugged indolently.
So, the world was like doomed but in the best possible way.
The Man with the Plan.
"There's something I haven't ever understood..." Mega Man mused as he carried the heavily tied Doctor Wily to justice on his Rush Jet.
"Now that comes as such a baffling surprise," the human deadpanned.
"No, seriously," the Titanium Wonder said. "Why do you always give each of your Robot Masters a weapon that is extra useful to defeat another Robot Master? It can't be just so I can use those weapons against your other robots once I defeat the robots you originally gave the weapons to. Right?"
"Right. Because my sole goal in life is being defeated by you," Wily said. "Didn't you ever realize it? I thought it was obvious! In the event one of my Robot Masters turns against me, there always must be another robot in my ranks that can go against him for me. It's a very delicate balance to achieve! So, even if Cat Man turns on me, I can count on Dog Man to beat him, but if it's Dog Man who goes rogue, I always can count on Cobra Man to stop him, but if it's Cobra Man who gives me problems, I'll call on Mongoose Man, and against Mongoose Man, I'll use Moose Man... Is it clear enough for your defective brain now, boy?"
"Ah. Wait, what if all your robots turn against you at once?"
"Oh, that has a very simple answer. I'll just manipulate you so you come to my aid, destroying all my Robot Masters for me. Then I'll go after you personally in my best war machine, hoping you are weakened enough to destroy you myself."
"Heh heh. As if I'd ever fall for that..."
"Are you sure you haven't ever fallen for it before...?"
Mega Man blinked. "Huh..."
Wily smirked devilishly. "I thought so."
"... anyway, why to use Moose Man against Mongoose Man? I don't get it. Are moose and mongoose natural enemies and I was unaware about it, or what?"
"Oh, just shut up already."
Decadent Habits.
With great concern, she read through the headlines of The Canterlot Gazette, fresh from the printing presses of the capital.
Canterlot Elite swept by chemical craze.
Lady Fleur De Lis caught topless in public fountain.
Controversial declarations from Photo Finish! "It... It just helps my artistic vision, mare!"
Prince Blueblood busted in mass arrest! Princess Celestia on her nephew: "No comments, please!"
Rarity put the newspaper down and sadly told her friends, "I think I might have made a mistake, bringing Flax Seed to Canterlot."
Uncommon-ication.
"YEAH!"
"... Yup?"
"YEAH!"
"Yup."
"YEAH!"
"Yup!"
"YEAH!"
"Yup?"
"YEAH!"
"A-Yup."
"Ah, you're back early, " Applejack said as soon as she saw him coming. "So, how did that deal with Mr. Snowflake go, anyway?"
Her big brother shook his head. "... We couldn't agree on a single darn thing..."
And Then, What?
The Princess advanced through the chaos with the utmost dignity and calm, Cadance at her side, both followed by the six bearers of the Elements. The chaos, as it was swirling around them, was worse, nastier, uglier than it had been all those years ago. Back then, she had thought of it as disturbing, but this was worse, much worse. Perhaps it was a slight hint of her friend's influence that was holding it all back from becoming downright deadly, but with the way the situation was escalating, it wouldn't take much before it descended to that level, she calculated.
"There," Scootaloo said, forcing herself to remain firm, as she and her five companions stopped and readied themselves. The Princesses stopped as well, facing the horror at the end of the street, sitting on a throne made of screaming ponies, with eyes of fire and a mouth that spewed multicolored smoke in all directions. The smoke, as it drifted away, created new terrors that flew into the city.
"Welcome," Discord said, rising on his throne while snaking on himself, flexing his sharper claws, which grew further claws on themselves. "I would have cleaned up, had I known you'd come. But I was expecting for the two Princesses and the Elements of Harmony... Oh! Silly me. I had forgotten we are in the age of knockoffs now! I must be getting old. Just like everypony else!"
"Discord," Princess Twilight spoke. "I understand your pain, Celestia above knows I share it, but..."
"Pain? Paaaaaiiiin!" he twisted his head back, laughing madly. "What is pain? I think I ripped that page from my dictionary, burned it off, and tossed the pages into the river, sorry! Isn't that what we're supposed to do? To move on and go ahead with a smile...?" He pulled on the corners of his mouth until his face took on truly grotesque shape.
"You aren't actually moving on. You are just dwelling on your own pain, by sharing it with others!" Cadance said. "I should know. But this won't solve anything, it only—"
"Of course it doesn't solve anything! We all know what will solve everything!" he roared, claws raised. "So step aside, and let those Six take their shot! It's just fair they get theirs, just like you did, right? I mean, they're also getting kind of old for the job, so they might not get another chance... Hoo hoo, you might have to look for another set of replacements soon... Isn't that just the most annoying thing about mortals? How they leave you and you have to move ahead regardless!"
"We won't do that, Discord, " Princess Twilight said.
"Oh, that explains why you brought them! Don't be a hypocrite, Twilight Sparkle! Even at that, you're far worse than your dear Celestia ever was! Come on! You know Fluttershy's promise doesn't hold anymore!" He held a target against his chest. "Do it! You know you want it! You know you have to! Because if you don't, I will destroy all of Equestria! And all of it will be on your hooves!"
"You won't do it, and we won't do it, " Princess Twilight evenly said, "Because that isn't what Fluttershy would have wanted."
Sweetie Belle exhaled in deep relief as, after a moment of complete wide-eyed stillness, the creature lowered his head and slumped ahead onto himself, the abominations and horrors retreating into nothingness one after another, the throne of ponies falling apart, the freed mares and stallions running away in all directions. Apple Bloom just shook her head sadly, as the three youngest of the team remained in contemplative silence, looking at how the feared scourge from ages long past cried into Princess Twilight's muted embrace.
"She must have been a great pony..." one of them mused.
"She was," Scootaloo confirmed, and then looked up, mostly to flex her aching, tense neck.
She smiled at passing pink butterfly that briefly circled around them.
Superman in Inaction Comics #1.
The Man of Steel sat on the middle of the street, resting his back against the gangsters' car and lazily reading a copy of Action Comics # 1. The befuddled gangsters stood in a wide circle all around him, stunned into silence.
Finally, he looked up at them. "What?" he mumbled. "Are you waiting for me to try and crush you with this car?"
The Shortest Negima Ever!
Nagi looked down at Negi's petrified body.
"Ah, crap. Looks like I arrived a moment too late. Oh well."
"Does that mean you'll still kick our asses?" the demon asked.
"But of course."
"Ah well, it can't be helped."
The Shortest Ranma Ever!
"What you mean, neither of you ever learn to swim!-?" the Guide asked, bewildered.
Ranma shrugged, looking down at the pond he had just accidentally kicked his father into. "What else could I mean? I mean I can't jump in there, sorry. Can you? Don't we pay you for this kind of things?"
"No, definitely no!"
Ever since, the Spring of Drowned Panda has become the Spring of Drowned Abusive Father. Several anime men have fallen there for the last couple of decades…
The Shortest Sailor Moon Ever!
"AAAAHHHHH! THE DEVIL'S CAT!" Usagi shrieked, tossing her lamp at the weird talking cat who had shown up at her bedroom to seduce her with luring promises of forbidden power, and cracking her skull open.
She breathed in and out heavily, poked the bleeding body with a wary foot, and sighed in relief when it didn't move.
Then, realization!
"Oh, crap! I could have made a fortune with a creepy talking cat!"
The Shortest Full Metal Alchemist Ever!
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THE SHORTEST MIDGET EVER, YOU IDIOT!" Edward Elric growled, before jumping on the author and mauling him to death.
The Shortest Excel Saga Ever!
Being too busy humping Pedro, the Great Will of the Universe forgot going to revive Excel-chan…
The Shortest Tenchi Muyo Ever!
Tenchi stood before the cave's entrance, with the keys in his hands.
"No, I can't do it, " he finally decided. "I can't break Grandpa's trust like this. Besides, it's only an old cave! No way there's anything worth my time in there."
He quietly returned the keys before his grandfather noticed their absence, and went on to forget the matter entirely.
The Shortest Avatar: The Last Airbender Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Aang managed to make a protective iceberg . Unfortunately, he ran out of air and suffocated, so Korra came several years early.
The Shortest Avatar: The Legend of Korra Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Korra got taken with all the other Waterbenders before she found out who she was and died on some metal rig somewhere.
The Shortest Unequally Rational and Emotional Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"I protest!" Chisame cried. "Having a boy, no matter what age, living in an all-girl's dormitory is immoral!"
The fic just became a recap of the Negima manga and died in 3 chapters due to lack of variety..
The Shortest 2814 Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Takamachi Nanoha, You have the ability to overcome great fear," the glowing ring said. "Welcome to the... oh, wait, sorry, it appears you're underaged. Sorry, our mistake. Thank you for your time."
"Wait!" Nanoha cried, running after the ring as it flew away. "What about my purpose in life?-!"
Nanoha became so depressed she eventually got a job in Decadent Habits, fucking her family and making bad decisions... WITHOUT FATE!
The Shortest Gurren Lagann Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Kamina died. The end.
The Shortest Spider-Man Movie Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Ouch!" Peter cried. "Oh my god, is that a spider bite? How'd it get out? Oh, crap, I'm dying!"
No one has seen him since. On the upside, Uncle Ben didn't die!
The Shortest Iron Man Movie Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Tony grimly turned on the armor he'd made in a cave with a box of scraps.
It exploded. After all, what do you expect?
The Shortest The World God Only Knows Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Keima looked at the challenging email and snorted. "Trolls," he said, and deleted it.
The Shortest Magic Index Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Kamijou Touma awoke from strange dreams to find a girl lying folded over the railing of his balcony. Before he could do anything, she slipped off, fell and died when she hit the ground several stories below. Panicked, he called the police.
He was arrested for murder and corruption of a minor. Sick nun fetishist…
The Shortest Batman Movie Ever!- by Rikalous.
"I can't tell you how much your love and support has meant to me, Alfred. Without you...you know, I used to have these wild fantasies of going out into the streets at night and beating the whole Gotham underworld into submission until I found the man who killed my parents. But you helped me find peace, and I will never forget that. Thank you."
The Shortest Superman Movie Ever!- by Rikalous.
Due to a rounding error, the spaceship containing the last son of Krypton impacted on Mars instead of Earth.
The Shortest Monster Ever!- by Rikalous.
The boy died on Becker's operating table. Tenma committed suicide shortly thereafter, because Johan can't even die without ruining someone's life.
The Shortest Decadent Habits Ever!- by Rikalous.
"Well, boya? What's it going to be? Yes or no?"
"No. Definitely, unequivocally, no. And I love you dearly, but we should probably keep some distance between us until you've sorted out your issues. Sorry."
And everyone lived fairly happily for a reasonable amount of time. Except Madoka, who joined the 27 Club.
The Shortest Short Story Ever!- by Darkenning.
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. Nothing happened.
The Shortest Fate Stay Night Ever!
"- you know," Zouken Makiri finally said, "I think this might be a very bad idea after all."
Justicia von Einzbern nodded slowly. "Indeed. There is far too much that could go risk, and too big and too many risks to be suffered from it."
"I concur," Nagato Tohsaka agreed. "We would better think of an alternate plan to achieve our goals."
They all nodded sagely and went their separate ways for the night. Fortunately they hadn't drank that much, or they'd have agreed on some insanity all three of them would have been too proud to back on later, when sober…
The Shortest UQ Holder Ever!
The famous author woke up with a start. "Whoa! I had the weirdest dream," he told his assistants, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes. "I dreamed I had this falling out with Kodansha, and cancelled Negima, and then started this series with the premise Negi was long dead, and-"
The gentle and kind editor standing next to his desk rasped and pointed at the clock, reminding him, with a subtle tap of his whip on his shoulder, the deadline for Negima's Chapter 500 was almost over.
The author sighed and went back to work.
The Shortest Love Hina Ever!
"Alright!" Keitaro cheered. "I aced my Toudai admittance test in the very first try!"
Unfortunately, the promise girl would take a few years to get there herself, so they never were in the same class and never hit it off…
The Shortest Negima Lemon Ever!
Negi sneezed, and off Asuna's clothes flew.
His attention called by the ensuing scream, a passing by Takahata peeked in between the bushes, looked at the blushing Asuna and shocked Negi, and hummed.
He took a hand to his tie and began loosening it. "Okay, Asuna-kun, but just because Negi-kun is an old friend and you've insisted we need spicing it up..."
Cue Seventies Porn Music.
The Shortest Code Geass Lemon Ever!
Lelouch raised a hand elegantly, and dramatically told the entranced Britannian soldiers under his thrall, "Very well, men... Your King commands you... Fuck yourselves!"
C.C. thought that was a seriously gross misuse of her power.
The Shortest Prisma Illya Lemon Ever!
Sadly for Illya, Kaleido Ruby flew in through her window and into her bath in the exact wrong angle.
She never believed its claims of it being an accident.
The Shortest Scooby Doo Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Look gang, it's a haunted house!" Fred said, pointing.
Everyone turned to look.
"Where?" asked Velma.
"Huh, could have sworn it was right there..."
"Zoinks, creepy…"
The Shortest Haganai Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Why can't we be friends instead?" Kodaka asked.
Yozora sniffed. "Why would I want to be friends with you?"
"I'm a step up from air friends?" Kodaka pointed out.
"FRIEND!"
Two weeks later she told him she was Sora.
The Shortest Yu-gi-oh Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"This thing is impossible!" Yugi said. "Maybe I'll just play Sudoku..."
The next week, the world ended because no one was good enough at children's card games to beat a terrorist.
The Shortest New 52 Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Everything we think we know about the world, about superheroes... has changed!" DC declared.
Superboy Prime Punched Time! It was Super Effective!
"Nah, forget it, it's too confusing, we'll stick to the old status quo," DC declared. "Which one was it again?"
The Shortest Twilight Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Bella died at birth. The end.
The Shortest Harry Potter Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Lilly tripped and fell, and Voldemort managed to kill Harry. The end.
The Shortest Naruto Ever!- by Shadow Crystal Mage.
Tobi killed Naruto instead of dicking around with his dead. The end.
The Shortest Naruto Chaos Mage Ever!
"It occurs to me," one of the villagers finally spoke, very quietly, "we have just killed a baby and painted the wall with his blood."
"Yes. Perhaps we have gone too far," another villager observed.
"Perhaps? Allow me to rephrase that. We have killed a little child and painted a goddamn wall with his blood!"
"On the other hand, I still kinda feel like we have saved the world from a great evil," a third villager mused.
"- that baby sure had a whole freaking lot of blood..." yet another villager cringed, trying to wipe himself clean.
The Shortest Tarzan Ever!
Kerchak made an unenthusiastic sound that could be translated roughly as "Eh. Tender or not, this small white ape doesn't taste that good."
The Shortest Zero no Tsukaima Ever!
The newly summoned Familiar fell in an awkward vertical angle, crashed headfirst against the ground, and slumped down as the sound of his neck vertebrae cracking filled the air.
Louise tentatively stepped ahead from the crowd, poked the motionless body in a blue sweater with a dainty tiny foot, and then turned to Colbert.
"This means I can try again, right?"
The Shortest Don Quixote of La Mancha Ever!
After pulling his suit of armor together and heading to his stables to take his mighty stallion away for his crusade of justice, Don Alonso Quijano sprained an ankle under the armor suit's weight, realized he was too old and his dream was too much of a folly, and limped back into his home.
The Shortest Fantastic Four Ever!
"We're reaching the hyper space breach!" Reed shouted. "See that field of cosmic radiation deployed before us, Ben, Sue, Johnny? That's it! It's what I've sought to find for the last two years! But the ship's shieldings... are failing! The radiation is bathing us! Ahhhh! I can feel my body... changing! This will be interesting to study, assuming the radiation pulse just doesn't destroy our ship complet
BOOM.
The Shortest Silver Surfer Ever!
"What need would I, the all seeing Galactus, whose gaze extends to all of creation, who can travel from one end of the universe to another with no effort, have for a Herald to look for worlds for me? I thank your noble offer, but Galactus has been finding worlds by himself with no difficulty for eons now, sorry."
And he ate Zenn-La.
The Shortest Sonic the Hedgehog Ever!
Doctor Robotnik scoffed. "So what if my enemy has super speed? He's still only a hedgehog, isn't he? No hedgehog, no matter how fast, can get pass my armies of drones before
KA-ZOCK!
And a blue streak punched him off his fortress, to plummet down to his demise.
And Planet Moebius lived happily ever after.
Hey! A happy end for once!
The Shortest Taiga Dojo Ever!
She coughed aloud. "W-Well, students. In today's Bad End, what did we learn? We learned you shouldn't provoke and taunt Saber over and over, eat her food, and... then sparring with... her. Because, if, if you do..."
And she plummeted on her face, dead, the hole in her chest bleeding all across the Dojo's floor.
Illya blinked twice, then asked the cameramen, "So, um, I can get Miyu-chan as my new co-hostess now, right?"
NEXT EPISODE'S PREVIEW:
"I'm home...!" Tohsaka Rin, not related in any way, shape or form to any Mundus Magicus slave traders or former gladiators, stepped into her home dorm, setting her shoes aside.
The small house her family's influences had bought them at the campus was eerily quiet and silent, which was might strange considering how Sakura should have been making dinner at that time. "Sakura...?" the older Tohsaka sister called out, looking around for her. "Vigilante...?"
There was a small note pinned to the door of the broom closet they had conditioned as a room for the Servant. Gone for the night. The cause of Justice knows no rests! I must claim the night as mine! P.S.- Please don't make eggs for dinner again.
"What's wrong at all about eggs?" Rin mumbled, balling the note up in a crunching fist, then tossing it into the trash basket. "I'm dying of hunger here, Sakura, where are you...?"
Right then, as if on cue for the sake of plot shortening, the phone rang.
"Mochi mochi?" Rin answered it. "You've just called the Tohsaka Household. Tohsaka Rin here..."
"Ah, Oneechan!" a familiar voice replied. "Thank God you're there on time!"
"Sakura? Where are you now?"
"Ah, sorry! Well, since most members of the Archery Club left on their trips, I had to stay late taking care of the duties here! I'll come back late, but I left the dinner at the fridge; you only have to heat it up!"
Rin groaned. "Me? You know I'm so bad with that... I think I'll just order pizza..."
"Oneechan, it's only warming some food up. It can't be that bad..."
"It is for me. Anything else you wanted to tell me?"
"..."
"Sakura?"
"W-Well, it's nothing... I wanted to ask you something, actually, but... I don't want to disturb you..."
"Oh, it won't be an issue! You know I'd do anything for you! What is it?"
"No, really, it's nothing. It'd only be a bother to you..."
"Oh, please, Sakura! Trust your Oneesama! No matter what is it, I'm 100% sure I can do it easily!"
"..."
"Say it."
"But—"
"Say it!"
It came through the line as a quick, pleading whimper. "Record tonight's episode of Mighty Morphing Baka Rangers for me, please!"
Rin forgot to blink for a few eye-straining moments, as her pupils dilated monstrously. "What?-!"
"Oh, please, please, Oneesama!" Sakura retook the more flattering honorific. "The season finale is tonight! I need to know if the Baka Rangers can rescue Baka Red from the claws of the Demon King!"
Rin's face twitched. "Why... Why don't you just stick to the manga?"
"Oneesama, I know you can't handle the Blu-ray well yet, but you could just call Shirou-sempai and ask him for help...!"
"Calling Emiya for help? Me?-! Hah! NEVER! If that guy can program that infernal machi— I mean, that mechanical abom— I mean, that thing, so can I! I only need actually start trying to get the drift of it!"
"There's an instructions booklet still in the box..." Sakura offered.
"Oh, that old box? I gave it to Karakuri-san. She needed something to keep some kitties she found, or something like that..."
"Oneesama!"
"Don't worry, don't worry! I've seen you using it, remember! I only have to do exactly what you did, and everything will be okay!"
"..."
"Really really okay, Sakura."
"Please try not to burn the house, Oneesama, " Sakura begged.
"It only happened once, and the insurance came through then!"
END OF CHAPTER TWO.