Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima, UQ Holder, Love Hina and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all related characters and elements belong to Hasbro, and… oh, you get it by now.
Batman, Superman, the Teen Titans and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics.
All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders. We make no money out of them, either.
Any resemblance of anything in this story with anything in real life beyond "human beings have eyes and legs" is a simple coincidence.
It was yet another uneventful, boring even, day at Ahnenerbe Cafe in the dry plains of Mundus Magicus.
Neco Arc-sama snored behind the counter. Meanhwile, Kiryuu Nanami-chan, Kikukawa Yukino-chan and Shidou Hikaru-chan watched on the TV news with dismayed attention.
"- in other news, there are still no news, like at all. Today's weather forecast includes strong possibilities of nothing with several bouts of inactivity. We still have no new reports on the alleged Plot Advancement promised by Princess Theodora, President Ricardo and Senator Godel. When asked on the subject, Princess Celestia sent our interviewer TO THE MOOOOOON, while Princess Emeraude was unavailable due to being asleep..."
The girls turned their stares towards the not so young anymore black haired man slumped over one of the tables. "Why to bother? Negima will never return, ever... UQ Holder sucks sour balls... If Akamatsu doesn't care, why should I? The DC universe stinks since the reboot... The new bad guys have made Prisma Illya unbearable... They won't show season four of Friendship is Magic in Latin America! The world is dark... I feel sick... Really, I do... I think there might be something bad going on with my computer... Then there's that unbearable guy in TV Tropes... and the other one in the comments of ANB's site... My salary is too low... I'm not married yet... There are all these silver hairs in my head now... I often feel like I have no future..."
"Sooooo... this is basically like god?" Hikaru asked dubiously.
"For the love of-! He's so, so-!" Nanami said, at the end of her wits.
"Emo?" Yukino supplied helpfully.
"Is that what they call them now? I don't think we had that term in 1997," Nanami said. "Anyway, just look at that sad sack! Just because he's too busy wallowing in his misery and self-pity and being too much of an artiste, it's hs fault the plot doesn't advance, and we're stuck here! Hikaru-san, as long as he's like that, you'll never see your brothers and stupid dog again! And you'll never see your Sempai again, Kikukawa-san! But mostly, I'll never be rejoined with my Oniisama!" she began biting her fingernails off.
"- maybe we should rent the series over to Shadow Crystal Mage? suggested Neco-Arc with a small feline yawn. "Who knows, maybe that way it'd progress faster..."
After a moment of stunned silence, the girls began to laugh as one.
Wiping a tear from her eye, Hikaru turned to the cameras. "It's starting!"
Titled!
Hey, kids! Remember back when Disney movies had long, complex, difficult titles instead of Frozen or Tangled? Thankfully, now we live in an era where such difficult to market and remember titles like Rapunzel and The Snow Queen are dead and buried, but what of those past works? We at the Titled Foundation are campaigining for Disney to rename all their prior movies into ways that make sense! Join us in this noble cause with your financial collaboration! Just take a look at all the proposed titles you still are missing on!
Wooden! (Pinocchio, eww. That's so old and non-catchy).
Asleep! (Sleeping Beauty? WHAT were they thinking?)
Dwarfed! (Snow White? Bitches, we all know who were the real protagonists there?)
Milked! (Home on the Range... well... guess there's no way to save this one, even with a swell title change...)
Spotted! (101 Dalmatians? Lame).
Alienated! (Lilo and Stitch? Pfffft).
Dogged! (Lady and the Tramp? What kind of title is that?)
Domestically Opressed! (Cindere- Wait, who snuck two long words there? QUALITY CONTROL! You're fired!)
Genial! (Aladdin? Oh, please. Like anyone went to watch that for HIM).
Bestial! (Beauty and the Beast? Too girly. Boys buy more action figures and lunchboxes).
Underwater! (Much more concise and to the point than 'The Little Mermaid', yeesh).
For more info on re-titlings of classics like The Love Bug, Mulan, Mary Poppins , Brother Bear and that movie with the cartoon animals randomly playing a game of soccer, please visit our webpage (inscription payment required, we accept Visa and Master Card)
East versus West.
"I've been delaying this for too long," the black one said, pushing a hand into his yellow bag, "but it must end today."
"So, it comes down to this. Shoulda known..." the blue one said, pushing a hand into the bag in his stomach.
"Copycat."
"Old fat cat."
"You're fatter than me!"
"You're definitely older, though! Technically, I haven't even been born yet!"
"That's it, I'm ending you now! Doraemon!"
"Felix!"
They both drew out and began their attack.
And that was how the world ended.
Kill La Medakill.
"Okay, okay, I get the idea, I'm not really needed here, " Senketsu began pulling himself away after Medaka, naked and on her own, defeated Ragyou.
Spirited Away.
Steve Rogers looked troubled. Stark was, of course, perceptive enough to notice that from the get-go, but Rogers often was troubled, with him being a man out of time, and too much of a worrywart straight laced soldier and all that, so he didn't think too much of it.
"I have been looking into historical records..." Rogers suddenly began, in a low, almost reluctant, tone.
"Oh, so you finally figured computers out."
"— written records, old magazines and newspapers in the Library, " Rogers confessed, almost sort of embarassed. "Sometimes, I feel... nostalgic about my times."
"Perfectly understandable."
"Well, I had been remembering, for some reason, something about an old criminal mastermind from my age. They called him the Octopus..."
Stark sighed. "Cap, I know you're shaken about that whole thing with Zola, but... I doubt every other bad guy from your time is going to crawl back from the dead. That's simply unhealthy, you know."
"Well, the rumors at the time said the Octopus and his assistant, Silken Floss, had found the key to human immortality."
Stark raised an eyebrow. "Silken Floss? Really?"
"You aren't taking this seriously at all, are you."
"Well, you can't blame me. I try to take everything, alien, 'godly' or human, seriously, but only as long as it doesn't have a daily hygiene name. That came out sounding wrong, didn't it?"
"Yes. Yes, it did."
"Anyway, why the interest on this Octopus and Silkie Moss all of a sudden?"
He showed him a graying old picture photocopied from an old Time.
"—Huh, " Tony said. "Back then, crime was really glamorous, wasn't it? Well, yes, there's some semblance of similarity..."
"Tony..."
"... alright, they are eerily identical. Happy now?"
Black Widow walked in. "Steve, about that dossier I gave you the other day, I'd like to know if— Oh."
There was an uncomfortable silence all around the table and the picture on it.
"Your parents really weren't THAT cruel, were they?" asked Stark.
"My parents were a lot of things..."
Why Don't you Just...?
During his training trips of his youth, Bruce Wayne ran into the legendary League of Shadows in the Middle East. Its leader, Ra's al Ghul, personally trained him in the ways of armed and unarmed combat, and by spying on him, Wayne learned of Ra's supernatural Lazarus pits, which granted life after death and had made Ra's practically immortal. After turning on the League and its criminal practices, Wayne escaped back to America with an incomplete sample of the Pits.
Trying to replicate the original pits, Wayne infiltrated the old Axis Chemical Factory with the well preserved unearthed corpse of his murdered father. There, he mixed what he believed a perfect duplicate of the original formula. And he dumped his father's body into it. If he succeeded, he would revive his mother next. For the first time since he was a child, he whispered a heartfelt prayer to the powers above.
He knew the pits had often unpredictable aftereffects, including temporary insanity. He knew they had never been used before on anyone who had spent so many years in death. He still had to do it. And pray. And hope.
A hand rose from the bubbling liquid. Wayne's heart jumped. Then, another hand. The hands' dissecated skin had regained vitality, but not color. Chalk white, like the rest of the body that pulled itself up, once solid black hair now hanging in wet, messy green strands. And the laughter. The insane, maniacal laughter of the thing that once had been Thomas Wayne.
"Why?" demanded Jason Todd, aiming his gun at the Joker, while angrily facing the Batman. "I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking abouthim. Just him. And doing it because... Because he took me away from you!"
"I can't. I'm sorry," the Batman muttered regretfully.
Red.
"Ahem, " Belldandy rasped softly, yet clearly uncomfortable, "Keiichi-san... This is our youngest sister, Skuld."
"Red Skuld!" corrected the petite young girl whose face under the long and silky black hair had been scarred into resembling a grotesque red skull with hollow eyes. "Kneel before me now, mortal! The Master Race of the Gods has come to claim and cleanse this world from your filth! Your women and children will be our playthings! Our thrones will be made with your bones!"
Urd whispered into Keiichi's ear,"Pay her no mind. She went kind of nuts after scarring herself while picking a fight with one of Cousin Thor's pals!"
"I HEARD THAT, URD!"
What If Negi had Faced a Different Vampire?
Konoe Touta.
It was kind of Yaoish. And time paradoxical. And incestuous. As a matter of fact, it was a lot of all those things. But not that much actually vampirish.
Mina Tepes.
It actually had more nudity than Negima. And a lot more political intrigue. And wacky hijinks ensued whenever anyone called out "Hey, Akira!" And Kotaro got depressed over not being that special anymore. And the Maid Trio ended up becoming the Maid Thirty One.
Nanami and Ayaka became Best Shotacon Pals 4-Evah.
Michael Morbius.
"PLASMA! PLASMA! PLASMAAAA!" he kept on yelling.
"Crap, we got the animated nineties version!" Asuna said.
"PLASMA! PLASMA! PLASMA! PLASMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Demitri Maximoff.
The manga never went past volume 3.
Chachamaru had a lovely wedding with Huitzil, though, even if Hakase never got over having her tech evenly matched by that of ancient Mexicans...
Rachel Alucard.
Chamo, Nago and Gii quickly bonded over common misfortune...
Elseworlds Vampire Batman.
"GAHHHH!" Negi looked down at himself. "I'm drawn by Kelley Jones now!"
"My ears are thrice as long as myself!" Chamo cried.
Proinsians Cassidy.
"Attacking you? Fuck, no! I'm just going to go drink with Chamo here! Right, lil' laddy?" the man with the ridiculously thick Irish accent chuckled, patting the ermine's narrow back.
"Hell yeah!" Chamo pumped a tiny fist up. "Let's go paint the town red! Um, save for all the bloody red stuff."
Negi blinked, then looked at Asuna. "Again, why is he at your class at all?"
"We all have agreed we're better off not knowing, " she replied.
Edward Cullen.
... no. I can't do it.
Castlevania Dracula.
"Luckily, I brought this from Merdiana!" Negi said, pulling the ancient whip out of his backpack.
"Curses! The damnable Vampire Killer! But how?" the Lord of the Undead wondered. "It only can be used by one of the Belmont bloodline!"
Chamo gave him the middle finger from Negi's shoulder. "Idiot, if you read fanfiction, you'd know the Bro is related to EVERYONE!"
Arcueid Brunestud.
She looked back and forth between Negi and Shiki. Finally, she shook the smaller boy's hand. "Sorry, Negi-kun. It'd have been nice."
And she walked away with Shiki.
Negi blinked. "Now, what was all that about?"
Ciel ran after the couple. "You're doing that only to pester me, aren't you?-!"
At Lake Biwa, Chigusa and Sukuna really screwed everyone up.
Valvatorez.
One of these days, OM will play Disgaea 4. One of these days...!
The Best Revenge.
"I can't decode it, Alfred," Bruce Wayne angsted, hunched over his panel of controls, staring down at the note. "I know he's got to be planning something big, but the wording... I still can't figure it out. Maybe it's the Sleeping Buddha at the Museum of Asian History? The coffin of King James currently on loan from England? Or he's going to hijack the Sleeper experimental plane from the Gotham Base? What is he going to do? What!-?"
The note read, Though I'm motionless, I'm priceless. Right now I'm harmless, but I'm made of greatness. Even resting, I'm a hit. What am I, can you guess it?
His henchwoman Query raised an eyebrow. "Let me see if I understood this. You sent him a riddle only to tell him you'll be resting all week long? Why?-!"
Lounging on his favorite beach chair in the depths of his lair, the Riddler smirked as his lips left his daiquiri. "I know figuring that out for seven days will hurt him more than any deathtrap. I just know it!"
"You must be joking, Boss..."
Froggy.
While looking through his collection of Merdiana pictures, Asuna picked one up and frowned. "Negi? Who's this boy? I don't think I've seen him in any other pictures of yours..."
"Hmm? Ah, that's, I think his name was Waldo Emerson. He dropped out rather quickly, when the teachers determined he had become obsessive and delusional with a frog he picked up as his familiar."
"Really? What, he thought he'd turn it into a princess if he kissed it, or something?"
"No, of course not. He was convinced the frog could sing."
"- and it couldn't?"
"Of course not!" Chamo piped in. "A singing frog? That's just ridiculous, Anego!"
"Hey, you can talk!" Asuna shot back.
"That's very different!" Chamo said. "Everyone knows frogs just can't sing at all!"
Motsu rasped from a corner. "Ahem."
"What?" Chamo growled. "We all know your singing voice is horrible! And you just happen to be a drawing of a frog given life! Everyone knows actual frogs just can't talk or sing, period!"
Under a London bridge:
He sobbed as he flipped through the magical newspaper. "Son of the Thousand Master saves Mundus Magicus... That coulda been me, y'know. We were, we were in th' shame clash an' eveything..."
The frog at his side sang beautifully,"Everybody do the Magical Rag. Everybody likes the Magical Rag. Every Mame and Jane and Ruth. From Weehawken to Duluth. Slide, ride, glide the Magical. Stomp, romp, pomp the Magical. Jump, clump, pump the Magical Rag. That lovin' rag!"
He took a long gulp from his liquor bottle. "Ahhhhh, just shaddap already!"
Never Was.
The cloak of the reborn Lifemaker fell, revealing the angry, tense face of...
"— who are you"? Yukihime lifted an eyebrow. "I have a vague feeling I know you, but..."
"I'm Kozue! Sanjo Kozue! Check it out, I'm right here, in the concept notes of Negima's second volume!" she said, pulling a small tome out of her robes and waving it around, open on a certain page. "You bitches pushed me out before production started, replacing me with that Sasaki bimbo!"
Touta yanked the book off for himself and flipped through it, frowning. "What's this crap? This is what passed for manga eighty years ago? He doesn't even have Magia Erebea yet! And there are GIRLS everywhere!"
"— I'm a girl, " Kirie reminded him.
"Yeah, now imagine thirty like you in a single place, " Touta nodded right before being kicked in the stomach.
Yukihime scratched her chin. "Nope, still doesn't ring any bells. I thought you were Makie?"
Kozue hissed furiously. "Rrrgghhhh! It all should have been mine! Rooming with Asuna! I'd have been as important as that Konoe bitch, or moreso! I was there first! The notes say it! I was going to be Asuna's best friend! But not only that Sasaki bimbo stole my face, not only that Sakurako slut took my meaningless but still dear lacrosse club membership, but that Konoe lesbo stole what was going to be my great break! And I was kicked without a single thank-you or commiseration into the coldness of limbo! For years and years!"
"Yeah, well, Konoes tend to be bitches like that, " Kirie muttered.
"HEY!" yelled Touta.
"I only gained some comfort when all those sluts and their retarded Messiah teacher were dumped in limbo as well!" Kozue waved a fist. "But you, Fate, and you, Evangeline, are still eluding that very same cruel destiny! I have come to drag you both with us, to the cold darkness of cancellation!"
A small white pegasus with a golden mane and tail floated around her, nodding. "You tell them, Boss! And then I'll have my revenge against Pinkie Pie, right?"
"Shut up, Surprise."
Yukihime hummed, checking through the volume. "Boy, this did suck until I showed up for real..."
"Aren't you going to fight me?" Kozue blinked.
"Nah. Try your worst."
"But—!"
"You think you have lived through hell? We have been this little punk's secondaries for 354 chapters now. Just do us already and put us out of our misery, if you think you can."
Touta laughed at at that. "Oh, please, Yukihime! As if the author would ever abruptly cut our story with an off panel defeat just like th—"
THE END.
The mangaka lifted his haunted gaze from his drawing board. "I think I hate my life, no, any life in general..."
Mistaken Gender Identity.
It was bad enough to have Lala tinkering with her inventions and turning him into a girl again, but this...
Rito had reached a dead end, corraled by the short girl in the white hooded robes, under which peeked out four long pigtails reminiscent of tentacles. Weird, for once, he hadn't stumbled onto her or touched her unadequately, and yet-
"Tokiha Mai, you slut!" the girl shrilled. "Prepare to meet your maker, you boyfriend-stealing-!"
Then she paused, seeming to realized something. She walked closer, poked on Rito's chest a few times as if measuring it, and then walked away darkly muttering to herself.
Cousin Nao explained it later, all the while clearly disturbed by the possible implications...
Bibidi Babidi Doom.
"And so you know, dear, " the Fairy Godmother said, "you have to return before midnight, of your clothes will turn back into rags, and your carriage will change back into a pumpkin."
"But why?" Cinderella complained. "Godmother, why can't your spell last at least a bit past midnight?"
Patiently, she explained. "Oh dear, that's because my powers draw from Satan, and come midnight, he needs to call on his full power to spread a little more of war, famine, plague and death across the world while the Unholy Hour lasts."
Cinderella's jaw slackened open, and her eyes became saucers above cheeks drained of all color.
The Fairy smiled and shrugged. "You asked!"
Descendants of Mamoru.
Then a little girl with her hair light pink and bunched up in two voluminous pigtails with odango bums fell from the sky and landed sitting squarely on Usagi's head. Before Usagi's yell of pain could end, another girl around the same age and size, this one with short dark hair and glasses, fell on her as well. And then one with a cutely grumpy face and long silky black hair. And one with light brown hair in a ponytail. And finally, a very pretty tiny blonde with a red bow on her head.
By the time Usagi finally came back enough to crawl back up muttering groggily and supporting herself on Mamoru, the pink haired girl, much to Mamoru's horror, pulled a handgun out and trained it on Usagi. "Hey, you! Unhand the Silver Imperium Crystal! Now!"
The little girl with glasses gasped aloud, pushing her glasses up. "Usagi-chan, no! That's the absolute last resource!"
The one with long black hair shook her head and sighed. "Isn't that just like Usagi? Always quick to resort to mindless violence...!"
"Be quiet, Rei-chan!" Pink Hair whined, never taking her aim off Usagi, but given Mamoru enough of an opening to take the gun away from her. "HEY!"
"What do you think you're doing?-!" Mamoru said. "Children never, never should play with guns!"
Another little girl, this one with darker skin and long greenish hair, fell landing feet-first, gracefully, on Tsukino Usagi's head. She held a long staff taller than herself in her hands. "Indeed! You always should listen to Father!"
"FATHER?-!" Mamoru cried.
Usagi peeled her face up from the park's dirt and shouted, "FATHER?-!-?-!-?-!-?"
Mamoru gave her a bewildered, utterly terrified look, and then began babbling, "I'm sure this must be some kind of mistake, I have absolutely no-"
As Usagi's eyes overflooded with tears, she swung a mighty fist into Mamoru's face. "MAMO-CHAN, ANTA BAKA!-!-! I HATE YOU!-!-!"
The little girls looked at Pink Hair, while Mamoru twitched on the floor and Usagi ran away bawling. "- what are you looking at?" Pink Hair asked.
"Well, you haven't disappeared yet, so I'm sure there's still hope for their relationship," Blondie with Red Bow commented.
"- what are you talking about?"
"I'm pretty sure that's your mother you just made run away crying," Ponytail Brunette told her.
"- that fat geek? My mother? No way!" Chibi-Usagi laughed. Then she looked all around. "By the way, where are Haru-chan and Michi-chan?"
"I think they said they'd hit their home first," Chibi-Setsuna said.
"-so you are our children from the future," Michiru calmly summed it up.
The two girls nodded.
"With each other."
The tiny blonde smiled. "Well, sure thing! At least you two have better taste than to go after Prince Endymion!"
"- who?" asked Haruka.
Chibi Michiru looked dubious for a moment. "You know, I'm find it kinda odd neither of you has seen fit asking how we ever could happen to be."
"Love always finds a way," Michiru shrugged.
"What she said," Haruka nodded.
Chibi-Michiru smiled slowly and clasped her hands together. "Ahhhh! So YOU indeed are you, after all..."
Descendants of Ash.
Misty, May, Dawn, Iris and Serena stared oddly at the large amounts of Pichus from the future happily swarming over a contented Ash.
"- this is kind of creepy," Iris cringed, rubbing herself on an arm.
"I can't say it comes as unexpected, though," May observed.
Pikach puffed his chest up in pride. "Pika, pika pika pika. Pika-pika-chu!"
Generic.
"Be honest with me, " the Lifemaker told King Sombra. "The sole actual reason why you keep visiting me is because it makes you feel better about how shallow and token you are, right?"
"Well—"
Dance in the Vampire Bund.
"Have you heard the rumor?" Misa chattered. "They said Evangeline Mc Dowell, the Princess of Vampires, is going to study at Mahora!"
Akira lifted her head slightly. She, like everyone else, had watched and read the news about The Bund, and about Princess Evangeline, but she had believed them to be some sort of elaborate hoax.
"I can confirm it!" Asakura nodded. "It'll be all over the school newspaper tomorrow! And I'll make sure to get the first local interview with her!"
"Man, why so happy about it...?" Asuna sighed. "I betcha it's all some sort of weird lie, like that thing with the Chupacabras..."
Negi-sensei rasped softly and imposed order as best as she could with Iinchou's help.
"—not like you care a lot anyway, huh, Akira?" Ako asked before they took their separate ways. "I mean, I didn't hear you commenting on it even once..."
"What's there to comment on?" Akira shrugged. "I guess Asuna-san's right, and it'll be forgotten quickly."
"But, aren't you just a bit nervous, having a real vampire, the leader of them all, living in our school?"
"I doubt she'd announced it like that if she was a real vampire, Ako, " Akira tried to comfort her. "Don't worry too much about it. Now, Yuuna must be waiting for you..."
Ako sighed. "Alright, alright. See you tomorrow then, okay?"
"Okay."
While walking the rest of the way back home, Akira saw the small blonde for the first time. Standing on a tall fence under the gigantic TV screens showing the replay of yesterday's world shaking announcement at the Central Square, the tiny blonde looked down at her, mouthing out a whispered, "You..."
And then her world exploded into chaos.
How?
"By the way, Arika-sama, " Haruna asked. "They kept you all day and night long with that straightjacket on while you were in that cell, right? So how did you—"
"I pissed on myself. I had to, " Arika said even and calmly, looking down at her cup of tea.
Haruna blanked out as the other girls stared daggers at her.
The Power of Shazam!
"And so, by calling my name, " the ancient mage told him, "you will be granted the wisdom of Satsuki! The creativity of Haruna! The magic cancel of Asuna! The vaguely defined might of Zazie! The mobility of Akira! The speed of Misora! With those gifts, you will fight evil as my champion, Billy Batson!"
The small boy standing before his seat blinked cluelessly. "But... Konoemon-sensei, my name is Negi..."
Shizuna discreetly elbowed him. "Please play along until Takahata-sensei finds his medication..."
Busted!
And then, as the Lifemaker held Negi's throat, and everything seemed lost—
Four men appeared from the wreckage, shooting at the Lifemaker with strange arms projecting beams at the shadowy figure. The Lifemaker howled in pain and dropped Negi, but thrashed wild and madly all around, forcing everyone to jump back.
"EGON!" one of the men yelled. "IT'S NOT WORKING! IT'S TOO STRONG!"
"CROSS THE STREAMS!"
"Um, excuse me, Egon, you said crossing the streams was bad..."
"CROSS THE STREAMS!"
"You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client! The Governor who paid us in advance before they turned him into a statue!"
"Not necessarily!. There's definitely a very slim chance we'll all survive!"
"Um, excuse us...?" Chisame said.
"I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it. Let's do it!" the first man said.
"This job is definitely not worth eleven-five a year!" another man said, but then all four of them made their beams converged on the Lifemaker's body, rattling him and making a dark spectral presence leave his contorsing body. One of them tossed a small device that caught the force inside of it, and then it all was over, as the hooded body the Lifemaker had been inhabiting plummeted on the dirt, unconscious.
The four men looked at each other, smiled wearily, and then walked away down the ruins to the rhythm of catchy Ray Parker Jr. music. As they did so, Zazie followed them copying their motions.
A moment later, Asuna broke free. "Negiiiii! Here I come, to save the— Huh. It's all over already? Man, and for this I waited one hundred freaking chapters?"
Asakura was looking in all directions. "Hey, where did Sayo-chan go?"
La Resistance.
After he had finished sputtering, gagging, making whining sounds, choking and successfully fighting fainting, Negi, his face still fully red, cried, "Wh-What... What is the meaning of this?-! Why are you all...?-!"
The Class Representative stepped ahead proudly, bashing a hand on her own chest, which bounced slightly. "We, Class 2-A, are part of Nudist Beach, a noble organization out to free Mahora Academy from the evil, merciless rule of School Council President Kiryuuin Satsuki, Professor!"
"As opposed to nice, beloved Yotsuba Satsuki here, " the short slim girl with short pink hair who didn't have a twin pointed at the plump, gently smiling classmate next to her. "Just in case. Somehow, people STILL tends to mix them up!"
Negi stared in befuddled, ashamed shock at the gathering of girls wearing nothing but gun holders, black boots, and bracelets. "Fine, as long as you keep it an extracurricular activity, " he sighed in defeat. "Now open your Neo Horizon books in Page Eight..."
At least he wouldn't have to worry about his sneezes for a while.
"What do you mean my father co-founded THAT...?-!" Negi cried.
Rakan chuckled, hands on his hips and pixellated long thick glory in full display. "Yes! Ala Rubra was, in truth, the first ever wing of Nudist Beach Nagi and Matoi Isshin created! You'll see, kid, the true enemy goes far beyond Kiryuuin-chan or Fate. Back when the Lifemaker possessed Kiryuuin Ragyou, Kiryuuin-chan's mother, Nagi decided the only way we could fight his newly created Divine Cloths was by—"
Negi tossed his hands up, turned around and began walking away. "I don't mind being stabbed with rock spears, being pummeled into bloody pulp, or being framed and hunted dead or alive, but I like my pants where they are! I'm going home!"
"— after him," Haruna hissed.
And the chase was on.
Nightmare Fetishist Asuna-chan.
"Ah!" Asuna gushed. "Then, could we use it to travel back in time to the days of the Prohibition? Where handsome older men in really neat suits flaunted their power and might?"
"Um, " Setsuna began, "Asuna-san, are you aware those men amassed their power and might through criminal exploits, murder, blackmail, endangerment of the innocent and public corruption?"
Slowly, Asuna smirked, and there was a sinister glint in her green eye. "Why, yes, Setsuna-san. I am."
Negi, Setsuna, Konoka and Chamo began backing away quickly.
The Humblest Creatures.
Negi looked curiously at the fair skinned Chinese girl in his new class. "Lingshen-san... right?" he asked, approaching her desk. "What's wrong, is there something the matt—"
Chao coughed up three lungfuls of blood, made a few weak "Ulla, ulla" sounds, and then, much to everyone's horror, fell facefirst on her desk, dead.
Slain by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which her systems were unprepared; slain by the humblest things that Akamatsu, in the wisdom he had until Volume 34, had put upon his earth. There will be no bacteria in the future Mars, annihilated by waves after waves of destructive and then healing magic, and when directly that traveler arrived, directly she drank and fed, our microscopic allies began to work her overthrow. Already when Satsuki and Ku met her she was irrevocably doomed, dying and rotting even as she went to and fro. It was inevitable. By the toll of a billion deaths the muggle has bought his birthright of the earth, and it is his against all comers; it would still be his were the Future Martians ten times as mighty as they are. Which they will be, but I digress. For neither do muggles live nor die in vain.
Chao lifted her face from the desk. "Wait a minute, I'm a genius-yo! Surely I should have expected and prepared for—"
Shut up, you're dead!
How the Mars versus Earth War Started.
"Your Majesty, your Honor, " Jinbei said then. "On behalf of our organization, I would like allowing our youngest member speak, since he, after all, represents the future we are all striving for."
The assembled representatives of Mundus Magicus and Mundus Vetus looked at each other, then nodded. "Very well, we see no problem with that. Konoe Touta, please step up."
The boy marched ahead confidently. After so many battles, UQ Holder was finally on the brink of bringing everlasting peace and end the tensions between the worlds. Surely Yukihime would be proud! And he'd give a speech for the ages!
At the seats of UQ Holder, Karin whispered urgently to Jinbei. "Director, are you sure about this? It's Touta! He's the last one of us who should be giving a public speech about politics, and that includes Evangeline-sama!"
The man smiled good-naturedly. "Oh, Karin-kun, calm down. After all, what's the worst thing he could end up saying?"
Memories.
Asuna rubbed the tears off her eyes as she looked through the pictures her friends had left for her in the time capsule. Natsumi and Kotaro's wedding. Yue and Nodoka working in the elevator project. Mana and Kaede fighting yet again. Negi screwing Chachamaru... ehhhh, was it supposed to happen that way? Never mind...
Then she found the subsequent newspaper and magazine articles.
Massive Cooling Kills Millions! New Ice Age!Massive Global Warming Kills Even More Millions! Out of the Freezer and onto the Frying Pan!Poverty Spreads Around the World!Japan Overridden by Slums and Ghettos!Thanks a Fucking Lot, Ala Alba!
"..." she said.
Reservoir Bakas.
"Right now, it's a matter of business, " Evangeline told them. "With the exception of Chachamaru and myself, whom you already know, we're going to be using aliases on this job. Under no circumstances do I want any one of you to relate to each other by your Buddhsit or Shinto or Christian or Mundus Magicus or whatever names, and I don't want any talk about yourself personally. That includes where you been, your underage teacher's name, where you might've done detention, or maybe a hot springs you robbed in Hinata Town. All I want you girls to talk about, if you have to, is what you're going to do. That should do it. Here are your names... Miss Red, Miss Yellow, Miss Black, Miss Blue, and Miss Pink."
"Why am I Miss Pink?" Makie whined.
"Because you like pink?"
"Fair enough, " Makie conceded.
"Why can't we pick our own colors-aru? Miss Yellow is a bit too close to Miss Coward!"
Somewhere else, Misora sneezed.
Evangeline shook her head. "No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn't work. You got four girls all fighting over who's gonna be Miss Black, but they don't know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You're Miss Yellow."
"So I lucked out?" Yue wondered. "What's so good about being Miss Black? Shouldn't she be Miss Black?"
Ku Fei narrowed her eyes. "Isn't that a racist comment-aru?"
"Shouldn't she be Miss Brown in any case?" Miss Red scratched her head.
"Miss Brown sounds like Miss Crap!" Ku Fei protested.
Kaede rubbed her chin. "Miss Blue sounds like Miss Depressed. How 'bout if this one is Miss Purple? That sounds good to this one. This one'll be Miss Purple-de gozaru."
"You're not Miss Purple, " Evangeline growled. "Some girl on some other job is Miss Purple. You're Miss Blue!"
"Who cares what your name is?" asked Asuna.
Makie pouted. "Yeah, that's easy for your to say, you're Miss Red. You have a cool-sounding name. The red one is always the leader!"
Asuna smiled. "Damn straight!"
"Alright look, if it's no big deal to be Miss Pink, you wanna trade?"
Evangeline exploded. "Hey! NOBODY'S trading with ANYBODY. This ain't a goddamn, fucking school council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Miss Pink. There's two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. And you're supposed to like the color, you idiot! It's the fucking color of your fucking hair, and that stupid lunchbox you brought along and your Pinkie Pie fucking keychain! Now what's it gonna be, Miss Pink?"
"Which one was I, again?" Miss Yellow asked.
"I've told you you're Miss Pu— Nice try, Miss Yellow. Nice try."
"It was worth a shot..."
Arrangements.
Looking back at it, at strange as it had been, Yue supposed it was more or less logical things had turned out that way. Natsumi had tried, but perhaps tried too hard, and it backfired on her by scaring Kotaro away. Negi had fallen into depression after losing Asuna, and he had hit rock bottom so hard, even Fate had agreed he needed emotional support. For Fate to admit emotions were a necessary ingredient to bring into play, everyone had to realize then things had gone past the critical point.
It was then Nodoka dared calling Yue. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but..."
"N-No, you're never a bother, sorry I didn't stay in contact myself..." Yue rubbed the bridge of her nose, deadly sure she had given her best friend the wrong impression by trying to stay out of her way so much. "Nodoka, if this is about—"
"Ahhh, yes, it is about Negi-sen— About Negi, but maybe not in the way you think..."
"Ah?"
Even when she came back, Yue wasn't fully sure why they were counting on her for that. Surely Negi could use all the friends he could get, but Yue knew there were many others who were better at coping with their own feelings, and thus his. Like Konoka, or— Kaede? Or... Well, yes, maybe their options were more restricted than apparent at first sight.
"What are you doing here?" she asked Kotaro.
"Why shouldn't I be here? I'm his best friend!"
"I take offense to that one, " Chamo said from the floor.
Yue sighed, then looked at Nodoka. "And where are all the others?"
Nodoka sighed. "Yue. I think... Maybe this is better settled between us alone. The others care, and they have tried, but... I think all of us, put together, only make him feel worse. And, well..."
"They keep getting into each other's way, confusing him even more?" Yue guessed.
"... well..." Nodoka trailed off.
Yue hummed in that small and still cute way of hers, then gave Kotaro a stern side look. He just remained standing there, stupidly, with his hands in his pockets. "I see. So we need a translator from Sensible into Man."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kotaro grumbled.
"If you need the explanation, then you're just proving my point."
"I can't know if I am, if I don't know what your darn point is!"
"What I think Chibi-nee is trying to tell you, is—" Chamo began.
Nodoka just rasped in a polite but unmistakable way that made them all shut up. Then, after a dry "Thanks, " she led them inside.
Now, long after the fact, Yue couldn't help but shudder a little. Nodoka had accounted for it all. Kotaro's manly attraction towards the only one of them he could understand. Yue's torn feelings and split loyalties. Negi's emotional fragility, his need for constant support without being overwhelmed from all directions by it. In a twisted way, fathomable only for someone who had read a fair share of trashy novels and once roomed with Haruna, it made sense, she supposed. And it had worked out in the end. More or less.
Not that there weren't some details about it that still bothered her. For one, as Nodoka lied contented there, Yue sometimes suspected her friend's main reason had been sleeping with her, Negi and Kotaro at once. Then, Yue still was uncomfortable with the subtle occasional teasing she and Kotaro could enjoy any sort of squabbling tension. Since when trying to settle records with someone in dire need of correction on pretty much all fields counted as such?
And mostly, it still was uncomfortable as Hades for everyone involved whenever Kotaro caught her stroking his tail in dreams and whispering "Emily...
We All Have Our Treasures.
It wasn't the first time Homura saw Tamaki rushing into her room with a suspicious looking bundle that looked quite heavy. Often, it happened after a joint mission, and more often, after a solo mission of Tamaki's. Tamaki would show up from the battlefield with one of those bundles, and she'd keep it close to herself the whole time until she reached her bedroom, where she disappeared with it. The other Ministra were quite curious about it, particularly Koyomi (of course), but since Lord Fate didn't seem to mind or care, and it was obvious Tamaki didn't want to share or even reveal whatever was in the bundles, the others never dared asking.
Until that evening, where something slipped out of the bundle and rolled towards Homura's feet while Tamaki carried her load to her quarters.
Tamami looked midly inconvenienced as Homura stared, wide-eyed, at the precious piece of shiny gold that had stopped right before her. After a soft gasp, Homura lifted the heavy piece and carefully extended it over to Tamaki. "Ah... it's yours?"
Tamaki nodded as she took it. "Sorry. It's something I can't help doing. It's in our blood."
"Exactly how much have you—"
"You don't really believe Lord Fate can pay all those trips across both worlds on a teacher's salary, do you?"
"Ahhhh..."
"Relax. It's not like I can use it for a dowry."
"I-I wasn't thinking about it!" Then there was a pause. "Can I see it?"
"No."
"But, it's only—"
"Keeping it hidden also comes with the blood. Should you look at it, I'd have no choice but eating you up."
"Ahhh...!"
"— and not that way."
"Oh."
There was another awkward pause.
"Do Springfield and his Ministra know—" Homura began asking.
Tamaki's hands flexed up and down. "Do you think I want that Saotome witch ever learning I have a treasure chamber under my bed?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of their disapproving it in the first place, but eh, who cares anyway—"
Much later, Evangeline grew suspicious about Saotome's unexplained disappearance happening shortly after her spending some time around Tamaki's living quarters. But some things are best left between dragons and their pillagers.
Gone to Ashes.
"Then, " said Touta, "if that Karakuri girl was so nice, and such a good worker of yours, and you had her in such high esteem, why don't you have mementos of her around?"
"I used to, believe me. Many of them, " Yukihime told him, "But one day, not too long after Karin joined us, they all appeared burned at the backyard. If I ever get my hands on whoever did it..." And she made a gesture of strangling the air.
Nearby, Karin, who was sweeping the floor innocently, shivered for a moment and dropped a lighter. She quickly picked it back up and kept on working.
Kuromaru looked at her, then at Yukihime, who shrugged and promised, "I'll find a way. Someday."
That Mirror, Cracked...
"Good morning, Class. My name's Albert Chamomille and I'll be your new English teacher..."
"KYYYAAAAAHHHH! HE'S SO CUUUUTEEEEE!"
"AHHHHHH! PLEASE TAKE THEM OFF ME!"
"Albert Chamomille! I will suck your blood to break the curse your father placed on me!"
"But not all of my blood, right?"
"Ummm... well, actually, not enough to kill you. I never kill women or ermines."
"The lack of 'children' in that statement disturbs me greatly, but okay, since my father wronged you, I guess I should..."
"From your ****!"
"AAAAHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
Negi smiled wickedly. "But that's okay, Chamo-kun! All we need is getting you a Pactio with Asuna Onee-san!"
"But that'd be wrong! We're student and teacher!"
"Nonsense! The circle's done! Now pucker up and kiss her!"
"Ahhhh! Bad boy...! What would your sister say...!"
"I'm your descendant, Chamo-kun-ne!"
"... I'm NOT going to ask how did that work out..."
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Chamo woke up crying. "Chizuru-nee, not up my—"
Negi sleepily blinked, looking up from Asuna's bed. "Chamo-kun? Were you having a nightmare?"
The ermine got ready to yell his answer, but only fell into a contemplative silence. "Actually... I'm not quite fully sure...!"
Shop Talk.
By now, Negi had understood the notion most teenaged girls loved shopping. He supposed it was an unfortunate stereotype, but he also reasoned it was one society itself tended to perpetuate through its youth's formation, and only could be vanquished gradually, generation by generation. Apparently, he would live on to see all those changes, but that was only assuming the girls didn't kill him as they were now.
Neither of his roommates was the kind who would love parading in public wearing fancy dresses, but that didn't mean Chisame wasn't fond of buying them anyway. The needs of an Internet Idol were steep and constant, and on top of all the clothes he was made to carry, he had to hold her new computer equipment and add-on accesories, as well. And in his illusionary adult form so they wouldn't get too many stares, making it even more awkward for him. So they marched through the mall, all the while he actually missed just trading deadly punches and spells safely with Sextum-san and her brothers.
One would think, then, at least Satomi wouldn't contribute to that shameful humiliation he could never complain about. After all, Sakurako was the one who bought her clothes since Satomi herself had no interest on her wardrobe. (Often literally, as well, with Negi getting frequent eyefuls as she worked at home very scarcely clothed since elaborate dressing got in the way of her experimenting). An observer might have, at first, deduced she wouldn't be adding any weight to Negi's burdens.
But, then again...
"Ooohhh, look! The Science Fair Depot has another discount sale this month!"
Cutting edge machinery was the heaviest and most cumbersome load of them all.
The Last Woman on Earth.
Evangeline:
"Oh well, I always knew this would happen eventually, " she said, then headed down into a strategic room filled with all sorts of handhelds, game cartridges, and batteries. "Luckily, I had the foresight to stash this over the years..."
Satomi:
Obviously, there was a single thing she could do after screwing her calculations during that experiment.
So she built herself a whole Mahora Academy of perfect robotic duplicates.
She never felt they were lacking compared to the originals, not even once for the rest of her life.
Chao:
She showed up in Asuna's bedroom that night. "You know, after all, bringing you back to the past WAS a mistake..."
Yue:
Fortunately, the snippet was titled The Last Woman on Earth.
"Be honest with me, " Emily sometimes asked, late at night in her shared Ariadne bed. "You'd be with Miyazaki if things had been different, wouldn't you?"
Yue didn't like the question in any sense, so she usually answered it with nothing but easing oral sex.
Sakurako:
She looked all around, finding nothing anywhere but devastation and emptiness.
"— being lucky really sucks at times..."
Misa:
She looked at Negi, Fate, Kotaro, Takahata, Rakan, Eishun, Akashi-sensei and Gandolfini, all of whom sat around her.
Slowly, she smirked. "I think I can get used to this..."
The acchords of porn music from the seventies began to be heard...
The Many Disappearances of Albert Chamomille.
"So, as you can see, while I had my doubts about you at first, I believe your endurance and franly scary stamina might be actually good assets for the Bro! And you'll get to travel to lots of exotic places, meet lots of pretty cool animals to pet and—"
"Oooohhhh! The cutie-cutie widdle ermine TALKS...!" Elmyra cooed deliriously, taking such a firm grip of Chamo, he lost his voice in mid sentence.
No one ever saw him again.
Maybe that graceful, gorgeous brown haired girl over there, skating in all her scantily pink-clad glory, would make a good partner eventually? Yes, she looked athletic and full of life, and what a butt! Chamo already was starting to ponder the capacities of an ice skating Pactio, when...
"OOOOOHHHH! NICOLEEEEE!"
Azusa saw him.
And no one saw him again.
"— and, well, even despite the difference of species, I still think... it could work... between you and my Bro, I mean... although..."
Tongue-tied, he looked up at those huge round shiny eyes who were fixed on him with something he had never experienced before from others.
Finally, he and Fluttershy jumped into each other's arms.
"SOOOO CUTEEEEEEE!"
"PONY-ANEEESANNNNN!"
They never saw him again, although the next week, a grumpy looking white rabbit showed up at Negi's doorstep and pretty much forced him to take him as his familiar, with no explanations...
Endgame.
She had forgotten how long she had been sitting there, alone in the quiet darkness, tapping her foot on the lunar dust.
Then, one day or what passed for one, after countless foot taps, she saw, first the surface of Mars exploding, then that of Earth.
"Heh. Serves them right for forgetting me."
A few moments later, a singed, half naked Touta came rocketing from the firey maelstrom and crash landed at her side.
He quickly sprang back. "Oh! That's you... Karin, right? It's been a while. I guess we kinda failed at what we were trying to achieve..."
"Oh. Shit."
My Emo Stage.
Back when that subculture was a popular thing, and depressed over never being able to find Evangeline-sama, Karin started wearing all black, listening to horrible wailing music, and drinking a lot of coffee with pills.
Then she sat on her bed with a knife and started applying it to her arm.
"Oh. Right. There's that, " she told herself after trying her first cut.
Seeing she wasn't really cut out for that, and she really hated that music anyway, she walked out and bought herself new clothes.
Partially Kissed Hero.
Only half of a Pactio card, depicting Asuna's lower half, fluttered to life between them, then fell softly to the ground.
Chamo gave Asuna a stare. "I told you it had to be a full-on kiss."
"My bad..."
That Didn't Go as Expected.
"Sensei, " Akashi said warily, as the students, just outfitted with the weapons Class 3-A had supplied for them, went to confront the demonic hordes swarming over Mahora, "are you sure this is wise? Making the children battle these horrors?"
"I'm needed up there, Akashi-kun, " the old man told him, "and don't worry about them! We have seen these demons only shoot stripping beams, after all..."
Then the demon leading the second charging group opened fire for his squad with a fiery beam that opened a bleeding hole through the chest of Eiko from the Dodgeball High School team.
The rest of the students shrieked as one and scattered in all directions, with the demons wrecking macabre gleeful Mars Attacks! havoc on them.
"— well, " Konoemon sighed wearily, "After all this time, I still fall for the old Bait and Switch! A shame, really."
Assignment.
Having Roberta at the doorstep was always terrifying. Having her and Fabiola managed to be even worse, somehow. Adding Garcia in meant the situation was tempered a bit, but only a little bit.
"The time has come for the young Master to realize his position as a man," Roberta explained dryly, "so we come to you, Rokuro-san, in the understanding you're the sole man of our trust who can help him with this."
Rock blinked and pointed at his own chest with a finger. "- me? But I don't know the first thing about running a financial empire. I could help with the accounting, a bit, but-"
"It isn't that!" Fabiola hissed. "What she means is, we can't do that because we're women, and we don't know any other men who wouldn't make him a sleazebag, so we have to ask you to... to tell him about the birds and bees!"
The members of the Lagoon Company stared at Garcia, who sat there with wide unsuspecting eyes, and then at Rock, who had paled quite a tad all of a sudden.
Benny finally broke the rather long silence that ensued by saying, "I always could, as well-"
"Leaving him alone with a computer and a list of porn pages would yield the same results, much cheaper," Revy said while lighning a cigarette.
Dutch nodded sagely. "Rock will take it."
"I will?-!" a bewildered Rock asked.
Dutch shrugged. "I'd just take him to Flora's, but that's the call of those paying."
"We only want him taught the basic theory," Roberta said tensely.
Rock scratched the back of his neck, sheepishly looking at Garcia. "Uh... well, I guess I could do it. Why not-"
Being a Japanese in an anime setting, he only could really teach Garcia about Lolis, catgirls, tentacles, and disappearing outscreen with your woman for a while only to return already married and with a child.
In the end, Roberta had to drag Garcia over to Flora's herself...
Space Jam Starring Sakuragi Hanamichi.
It ended up rather unexpectedly when, before the game started, Sakuragi just pounded Swackhammer into submission as soon as he entered the stadium.
"Y' know, solvin' our problems through direct violence. Why hadn't we remembered that?" Bugs wondered, munching on his carrot.
Card Captor Tomoyo.
Tomoyo tried to hide her disappointment at all the out of focus, blurry shots of her latest adventure.
"Maybe, " Kero mused, sitting between both girls, "Sakura should have opened that book."
"Hoooeeee, " Sakura let her head hang.
"Oh, no, it's really good, very experimental and daring!" Tomoyo said. "The extreme low angles do wonders for my legs, and the confusing frantic imagery really conveys the heat of the moment and the thrill of facing the unknown! It's very Blair Witch!"
"Sure, let's go with that, " Kero shrugged.
"I still don't know why do I have to wear more elaborate and fancier dresses when I'm only the sidekick and camerawoman, though, " Sakura looked down at herself. "As the Heroine, isn't that... demeaning to you?"
"Of course not!" Tomoyo giggled rapidly. "Your post-capture explanation lectures wouldn't be the same otherwise!"
"You wouldn't need those recorded lectures if Sakura could film anything the right way..." Syaoran bluntly observed.
Meiling rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "If Kinomoto can hold a job like that, there's no reason I couldn't—"
"No one is going to film me while I'm hunting. It'd be a disservice to the seriousness of the ancient duty of the—" He stopped after feeling Tomoyo's eyes fixed on him. "— never mind."
Anime Babies.
Kokonoe Rin Nursery Home.
Saotome Ranma-kun looked up at the large figure of a brown bear presiding over the playground. "I don't know why, but that feels wrong..."
"Silence, you pigs in diapers!" Kiryuuin Satsuki-chan commanded, slamming her toy sword on the ground before herself while adressing the small crowd, most of whom were too busy picking their noses, making sand castles and staining said diapers to pay her any actual attention. "Heed my words! The time has come for us to kickstart a new era and trascend the bounds of our containment! We are the future! We cannot continue lying low like this! Also, we need more pudding!"
"Your eyebrows are funny!" Lelouch-kun pointed at her and giggled.
"I think I understand..." Ikari Shinji-kun slowly nodded, then eagerly offered, "Can I pilot a giant robot? I love giant robots!"
Akatsutsumi Momoko-chan looked down at her own hands. "Flippers? I don't get it. Why?"
Kimura Kaere-chan pointed at Satsuki. "You're trying to force us into illegal actions! That's harassment! I'll sue!" she yelled before her diaper fell down, and Moroboshi Ataru-kun collapsed on his back as his nose sprayed blood.
Asahina Mikuru-chan kept trying in vain to climb up the wall keeping them apart from the building next room, falling back on her butt, then bawling. Why had she landed in the wrong nursery home? She couldn't keep surveillance on Haruhi-chan like that! It wasn't faaaaiiir!
Princess Asuna-chan merely stared blankly ahead, silent as ever. At least, she supposed, this still wasn't as bad as Itou-bun...
I'm a Marvel, and You're a DC.
"Our bad storylines?" Batman echoed. "Oh, we just retcon them. Same thing as we do with most of the good storylines, really, but the bad ones tend to go away before those. Some advice, never ask Hawkman about it. You?"
"Oh, we only lock them up in the cellar, pretend they never happened, and never talk about them again. It's what I did with my clone, and my newborn daughter, and my deal with Mephistopheles, and the time I smacked my pregnant wife across a room, and my marriage, and the time my parents came back as robots, and my aunt's death, and... you know, I'm feeling really bad now. Well, technically, I guess the deal with Mephistopheles kinda retconned a few of those, too. Funny thing, huh?"
"'Funny' isn't the word I'd have chosen..."
Little Sister Complex.
Kosaka Kirino-sempai looked back and forth between the twins, with eyes that were suspiciously narrow. "So, tell me... which one is the youngest?"
Pale and with eyes as wide as saucers, Fuuka pointed at Fumika. "For a full two minutes!"
Kirino-sempai's eyes became dreadsome white on black, her fingers twirled, and a drop of drool escaped a corner of her mouth. "IMOUTO-CHAN!" she said before quickly descending on Fumika.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Ocassionally, Fuuka would later feel bad about it, but never would truly regret saving her own hide.
A Hand on Every Pot.
"I guess it began back when I was living at Gotham," the old man mused. "I was really stupid and cocky back then, y'know, and the night of my first mugging, I was really coked then, so when those two fat cats coming from the movie theater didn't hand the goods, I guess I had little patience, and I shot them. Maybe I should have shot their kid too, because when I fled the scene, I realized, you know, the day after, in the newspaper I read I had killed the fucking Waynes, the town's toast, and what if their kid identified me? I crapped my pants, so I fled town as soon as I could."
"Anyway, I think I was lucky, since no one ever came after me, and I needed the money, so I went to New York and started my new business there. Small time, I guess I had hopes to get noticed by Kingpin or some such guy. The thing I made it the biggest, though, was when I took part in this mob lynching at Central Park, but even then, things weren't going right during a job. This stupid family saw us, so I wasn't going to make the same mistake, right? It was just logical, maybe I wouldn't be that lucky again, so I had the boys whack them, no pussyfooting. How could I know, the dad would survive that and become a psycho gunnin' after us. It was Ernie's fault, I told him to go extra hard on the bastard. Anyway, I knew I had to bail out again, so I stole a truck and made haste for Central City. The cops almost got me when a stupid blind kid got in the way, and I spilled some of the toxic junk the truck was loaded with on him, but it was his damn fault! That kind of brats should be smothered so they don't be a bother."
"I worked for this Doctor Cobra guy in Central for a while, but even that didn't work out, because some creep's always gotta be nosin' around. There was this guy... Colt, I think that was his name... he went after Doc, and I had to protect him, so what else could I do? I shot him from behind and pushed him into this vat of chemicals the Doc was tamperin' with, just to be safe, but that only got us into even hotter tights. This masked idiot began hunting for us after that, and he came this close to nailin' me, but again, I was good with the getaway and escaped him. Heh. Always a step ahead of 'em. But I was penniless, and I only could return to NY and hope the psycho nut-gun didn't remember me, or could find me. So I remained low. Nothin' but the small fry. This was when my luck finally ran out, and during a carjacking, I killed this stupid old fart who wouldn't get the hint quickly. I suppose I still was as impulsive as I had been way back in Gotham, but what can you do? Shortly after, they finally got me. But it took one of those superhuman freaks! No mere average Paul could ever catch me, no sir!"
Then he looked up. "But I guess that means nothing to you, right? I mean, you surely have heard thousands, nah, millions of more impressive stories in your time here."
The red skinned horned figure presiding on top of the chamber shrugged his massive and hairy shoulders. "Oh, actually, I believe your story is quite fascinating and interesting, Mr. Chill. You truly have led a more unique life than you ever would have suspected."
Dozens, then hundreds, of hostile figures of all sizes and appearances began rising from the shadows around them, all of them starting murderously at the gray haired Joe Chill.
The Devil smirked. "However, I think these ladies and gentlemen have valid reasons to express their displeasure about the consequences of your actions."
Sayaka-chan's Wish.
"I wish..." she breathed deeply and managed to say it, "for Kyosuke-kun to love me more than anything else!"
Very well. Your wish will be granted, Kyubey said, nodding.
A moment later, he stared at the blue violin now before him. Well, now it would be really difficult to exploit her as a Magical Girl...
After a moment of said contemplation, Kyubey looked up at Madoka. "W-What?" she babbled.
She won't deliver herself to Kamijou-kun's house by herself, you know...
Kyosuke was so grateful over the gift of that wonderful blue violin, which made such sad yet perfect music, as if possessed of its own soul, he became good friends with Madoka, and eventually her husband. Although she knew he always would love Sayaka better, she still was happy enough with her lot in life to never wish for anything else.
But I thought you would be contented as long as Madoka-san didn't contract with me. Would you mind at least explaining? Kyubey said as he ran from Homura.
Guns ablazing, she kept chasing him.
X-Men: Days of Futurama Past.
Logan looked out the window, overlooking the green grounds of the Xavier Institute below him, Jean, Scott, Storm and Mc Coy. Those grounds brimming with young promises for a renewed future, a future where the threat of Trask's dream had been quelled. And to think, all it took was saving Richard Nixon of all people from Mystique...
... then a giant Future Sentinel with a head in a tiny jar attached to its shoulders landed right at the middle of the grounds.
"NIXON'S BACK!" it bellowed as it began stomping around.
- well, anyway...
Absurdly Powerful.
"- Fujino Shizuru, School Council President of Fuuka Academy," the announcer said, and a smiling Shizuru stood up and bowed for the audience. She had done it. She had been admitted in the glorious ranks of the Japan Cross Council of Student Council Presidents, the greatest organization for the mover and shakers in the field of academic coordination! Natsuki would be proud, and Suzushiro surely was crying in anger right now. It was difficult to establish which of those was the most satisfying, actually.
She sat back, and listened to the announcer stating the names of the rest of the attendants.
"- Kiryuu Touga, School Council President of Ohtori Academy..."
"- Milly Ashford, School Council President of Asford Academy..."
"- Kurokami Medaka, School Council President of Hakoniwa Academy..."
"- Kiryuin Satsuki, School Student Council President of Honnouji Academy..."
Such magnificent, resplandent specimens of scholar glory! Shizuru felt, for the first time ever, amongst her (and Natsuki's, of course) peers and equals. Now all she had to do was impressing them, which should be fairly easy...
"Well, well, but if it's our beloved President," Suzushiro Haruka said, dripping sarcasm, as a haunted looking Shizuru walked back into the Fuuka School Council premises, dragging her feet in a slightly erratic fashion. "I'm so glad you could return from your ever fullied agenda of socializing with rival schools to assist us with our lowly, mundane local tasks here at your-"
All but stumbling towards her, Shizuru caught her in a tight, strong and sympathetic hug, making Haruka's golden mane stand in point, Yukino to drop back with a choked gasp, Kanzaki Reito to lift a mildly interested eyebrow, and Tate Yuuichi do an exaggerated spit-take.
"- now I can understand how do you feel," said Shizuru, with a faraway traumatized voice.
I Overdid It.
"I won't whine..." Wendy seriously declared, "And I won't cry anymore!"
Then, as Carla gasped and gaped, Wendy realized she was holding what perhaps was too much of her own hair in her hand... and... was that blood on it? God, had shereally pulled part of her own scalp off when she-?
"AAAAUUUUGHHHHHH!"
Lucy's eyebrows took quite an interesting shape as she watched on.
"Not even a word," Wendy muttered as she picked a long blue wig to put on her shiny baldness.
Interchangeable.
"Baka Inu!" Louise growled as she stomped on Saito's head AND whipped his back nonstop. "Baka baka baka baka baka...!"
"Time out!" Saito gestured up with a hand, then said, "You got it wrong!" As Louise paused with a deep frown, he added, "You're saying it in Japanese, Taiga-san, but remember, Louise isn't from Japan. Also, your wig is slipping."
"Oh, geez!" Aisaka Taiga huffed, taking the pink wig off to better settle it on top of her long brown hair. "Subbing for your girlfriend is a pain, Hiraga! She'd better recover from that stupid flu soon!"
The Director sighed. "Okay, then, Take Seven..."
What If Kodaka had Never Walked into Yozora and Her Air Friend?
He still 'saved' Rika, she kept following him for the rest of the school ocassionally bumping into a Yukimura who never revealed herself, Rika and Kodaka married after graduation, they had two children, had a long happy life together than ended when the sea flooded Tokyo. Sena married a rich heir her father picked long after the fact, divorcied, married and divorced four more times, died in her own vomit after a drunk binge. Yozora died alone and in the gutters before reaching her fifties.
Maria frowned, looking at Rika's notes. "Drowning together in a disaster that kills thousands is your idea of romanticism? Really?"
Rika pouted. "That's it, you're dying during an attack of renegade vampires from The Bund..."
Descendants of Luffy.
He had been sitting there, eating meat and ocassionally stretching and yawning, for quite a while now. After he ran out of meat, he lied back with his arms folded behind his neck, and stared up at the clouds, patting a sandaled foot on the grass.
Nothing happened.
After he started a quiet, uneventful nap, Zoro passed by and tapped on his head with a foot. "Oi, Captain. Weren't you supposed to wait for someone here?"
"Hmmm? Yeah, I was told so, but I don't think anyone's coming..."
Hakase and Godel.
Other than being always refered to by their family names, the glasses, and the slightly detached asocial-sometimes-bordelining-the-sociopathic-too-focused-on-their-goals attitude (which never was the basis for a healthy relationship), they didn't have a lot in common.
But mostly, she was as different from Arika as you could possibly get.
On the other hand, maybe that was the best for him.
It still creeped everyone out, though.
My Hero.
And, as the demons gathered around tiny Negi spreading fiery destruction, and one of them lunged ahead for him and Nekane...
... a large, colorful van crashed down on the demon from nowhere, smashing it down. A funny looking head popped out of it. Literally.
"Good mornin'!"
Negi's small face lit up. "Ah...! Uncle Grandpa...!"
"Negi!" the funny looking short man opened his arms. "Oh, but look at how you've grown! And that's Nekane over there, I guess?"
"Um, UG, " a green bipedal reptile poked on one of his shoulders from behind. "Don't look now, but it seems we've arrived in the middle of a bloodthisrty, or rather petrifying-thirsty, demon attack..."
Uncle Grandpa looked down at Negi. "Is that true, Negi?"
"Isn't it freaking obvious!-?" one of the demons yelled while sweatdropping.
Negi sniffled and nodded.
The short man frowned and pulled his pants up, way up. "Okay then! I'm going to help you, Negi!"
And that was how Negima ended up becoming too weird for SHAFT to adapt, how Negi ended up driving all of 3-A and Cosmo Entelecheia insane, and how all his Pactios ended up staged by a talking slice of pizza.
Always Read the Fine Print.
"— my best friend AND lover, see?" Touta smirked, pointing at the very tiny letters at the very end of the contract Kuromaru had signed after their fight.
Kuromaru put his magnifying glass down and blinked. "Um... well..." He stared at him. "— the given word before anything, " he said, then wiped a thin line of red trickling down his nose.
BOOM-CHIKKA-WOW.
Elsewhere, Yukihime put her game controller down. "My teachings... they finally have reached fruit..."
Never Live It Down.
Over the years, the team would often run into heavy moral dilemmas of different kinds. Frequently, there were no easy answers. They would discuss them with diverging opinions, and more often than not, with heat and zeal. Then, generally, Akira would step in, give her opinion, and expect for it to be followed.
Even now, those opinions were met with acerbic glares from the most hardened and cynical ones. And despite everything, the question still would be uttered. "Seriously? And what gave you the moral high ground on this?"
Then Akira would always, calmly, answer with the same two simple words. "Sports Festival."
They always would shut up and follow her cue.
Ask Belldandy!
Serious Questions Addressed to Our Favorite Goddess of the Present.
Q: Dear Belldandy, you are forever young and vital as a goddess, but how comes Keiichi-san has kept himself young and vital as well since 1986?
A: Oh, dear! Well, that is a good, certainly valid question, Reader-san. To be perfectly honest, I periodically take tissue samples from Keiichi-san, and when he's becoming too old for the series, I grow a new cloned Keiichi-san to continue the serialization. But don't worry, I would never break my contract to stay with Keiichi-san, any Keiichi-san, forever. So I keep the original Keiichi-san and all the prior clones in the basement. I hope that helped you satisfy your curiosity!
This has been another Ask Belldandy!, Serious Questions Addressed to Our Favorite Goddess of the Present.
Taiga Dojo!
Taiga's shoulders were slumped down. Her gaze was hollow and vacant. The bokken hung loosely from her right hand.
"What's the point..." she was muttering weakly. "They'll never give me my own route... I'm doomed to remain a joke character... never to explore my hidden depths... relegated to afterthough segments... the anime remake will likely shaft me... and not in the good way... new season of Carnival Phantasm never... not even my own Mahou Shoujo spinoff..."
"Ahhhhhh!" Illya gasped. "Sensei, they got you too!"
NEXT: MAGICAL GIRL PHANTASMOON, THE MOVIE!
Or maybe not.