We don't make any money out of the nonsense written here.
A small, clearly drunk white chicken stumbled out of the cafe, flapping its short wings as it leaped on the sidewalk, then clumsily stepped on the street itself, staggering forward ever so slightly.
"Oh!" a tall man in a blue bodysuit, holding a long spear, casually stopped by as he walked next to the bird. "Gonna cross the road, friend? Heh, that reminds me of a joke, but damn if I can remember the punchline… Anyway, let me help you there, we wouldn't want you to get run over while you're drunk!"
The man smiled, picked the chicken up gently, and began crossing the way with it…
… only for them to be promptly ran over by a speeding car with a startled Boo-sensei behind the wheel.
"BUCK-KAAAAAAWWWW!" screamed the shocked teacher, slamming his feathered wings… I mean, hands… against the steering wheel and hitting the brakes to a screeching halt.
Not long after, in the dead of the night, as the bouncy tune of playfully perverse music played, a sinister, grinning figure, that of a white haired old man in a lab coat, made its way through the police line, crossed the deserted scene of the accident, carelessly walked all over the chalk outline of Lancer's body on the pavement, and picked up the mangled remains of the chicken.
It's alive!
Now, we see the scientist frantically working on his laboratory, surrounded by several swimsuit pics of Hakase Satomi, Hakubi Washu, Skuld, Leonardo Da Vinci-chan and Helena Blavatsky-chan, sawing and bolting and welding metal all over the prone, lifeless figure of the chicken while the same pervasive music continues worming into our ears.
It's alive!
Finally, the work is done, and a cybernetic, rebuilt, anonymous chicken sits up, one eye eerily fixed open, the other replaced by a high tech lens. The mad inventor quickly snatched him up and straps him to a chair, placed before a wall lined up with dozens of TV screens, all running several anime shows at once. Ranging up from Carnival Phantasm to Fate Apocrypha to the new UQ Holder to Cosprayers to Doraemon to Black Lagoon to ToraDora! to Fist of the North Star to Excel Saga to One Piece to Demashitaa! Powerpuff Girls Z to To Love Ru Darkness to Mai Otome to… well, you probably understand by now.
And the unfortunate chicken shudders in powerless terror, as its torture, and now yours, start…
It's alive!
Looking Back- Top Ten 2017 New Year Resolutions from the Unequally Rational and Emotional Cast.
10. Negi Springfield: Finding Father!
9. Saotome Haruna: Moving Sairenji's body to a deeper, safer grave.
8. Saber: Destroying all three of the other Schools before they can produce their own Grail Wars and Saberfaces.
7. Alice Liddell: Making my way into the main continuity.
6. Akashi Yuuna: Finding out why I've begun smelling woman's perfume off Papa's house.
5. Anya Cocolova: Bigger breasts.
4. Chao Lingshen. Getting the darn Festival started already!
3. Sailor Venus: Recruiting White Moon Princess Phantasmoon. She's sure to be the girl we're looking for!
2. Sailor Mars: Mastering the godd*mn high heels once and for all.
1. Hasegawa Chisame: Getting myself transferred to... I don't know, Riverdale should still be safe, right?
To All Things An Ending.
In the sixth day, God created Man.
In the seventh day, God rested.
In the eight day, God kept on resting.
In the ninth day, God damned Man.
In the tenth day, Man demanded to know why God had damned him.
In the eleventh day, Man forgot God, and thus God died.
In the twelth day, Man died, because Man cannot live without God any more than God can live without Man.
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and there was no spirit hovering over the waters.
In Your Dreams!
"Last night I dreamed of Master's childhood," Tamamo proudly shared over breakfast. "He was the cutest child ever, hee hee!"
"Big deal," EMIYA Alter commented cynically from the other side of the table, an arm carelessly slung over the back of his chair. "As if the rest of us haven't already, too."
"Yes, I can't imagine anyone ever having a blander and more boring childhood and youth than his," Carmilla sneered while elegantly sipping her fine red wine. At least, we vainly hope it was wine. "Truly, he never actually lived until he met us."
"At the very least, it makes for a relaxing enough experience I never have any problems sleeping when I dream of that," Martha smiled.
"Oh!" Passionlip blinked a few times then. "Now I think about it, that, that means Master dreams about OUR pasts as well, doesn't he?"
The gathered Chaldea Servants looked at Ritsuka, who sat in silence with very wide, fixed open eyes, twitching occasionally and sporting the blankly terrified expression of someone who has spent weeks alternating between jarring nightmares and long spells of insomnia. Every so often, he would glance at the Bathorys, Jack, Vlad, Gilles or Kiara and then whimper softly to himself, his mouth's corners spasming briefly.
"Yes," Artoria stoically answered Passionlip's question. "Indeed, he does."
How Do you Do It?
"Applying white greasepaint all over it?" Superman smirked, aloofy caressing the area above his mouth and under his nose. "I use CGI!"
Joker stared at him. "Yeah, well, mine's still not as noticeable as yours anyway, you know."
Fate Open Microphone Night.
Luviagelita walked to the mike, cleared her throat, then asked with a smile, "Why was Tohsaka beaten down by the Fantastic Four? They misheard the Thing as saying 'It's clobber Rin time'! OH HO HO HO HO H-!"
The trap door opened under her feet. She plummeted with a yelp.
Shinji walked to the mike, cleared his throat, then asked with a grin, "When Emiya gets sick, why does he go to a blacksmith instead of a doctor? Because his body is made of swords! Ah ha ha ha h-!"
The trap door opened under his feet. He plummeted with a yelp.
Kiara walked to the mike, cleared her throat, then asked with a smile, "So! What's Andersen-kun's problem with Frozen anyway? He can't let it go! Eh he he h-"
The trap door opened under her feet. She plummeted with a yelp.
Amakusa walked to the mike, cleared his throat, then asked with a smirk, "Do you know why Jeanne-san is always so burnt out? She's always burning the candle at both ends! Ah, ha ha ha h-"
Someone threw a tomato at his face, and then the trap door opened under his feet. He plummeted with a yelp.
Mordred walked to the mike, picked it up with flair, then asked with a grin, "Hey there, why Medb hates Cheetos? Because they are 'dangerously cheesy'! AH HA HA HA H-!"
The trap door opened under her feet. She plummeted with a yelp.
Artoria began bashing her head against her table. "Why, God, why..."
Moriarty walked to the mike, cleared his throat dramatically, then asked with a perfectly straight face, "Good evening. So, when does a comedian go low enough? Why, when he goes into the basement to rig the trap doors before his act starts, of course..."
Trap doors opened under every seat in the audience. The public plummeted with a shared yelp.
Moriarty, still completely unsmiling, briefly clapped to himself, turned around clicking his heels together, and marched back behind the curtains.
And that wraps tonight's entertainment up.
Not Guilty.
And in the current age of sexual harassment accusations, lawsuits, and scandals in the comics and other entertainment industry, now it was Rob Liefeld's turn.
His lawyer came in serious, solemn, and swore, "Your Honor, I can prove my client has never been close enough to any women, and has never had any sort of actual contact with females, with no room for doubt whatsoever."
Then he procceeded to show, for the judge and jury, a full art portfolio of Rob Liefeld's career.
Rob Liefeld was found innocent instantly.
Will It Rub Off On Me?
"Oh, good morning, Caster-san!" Ruler said. "How are you-"
Scheherezade briskly walked past Jeanne.
Jeanne D'Arc: 19 Years Old.
"Ah, how are you, Caster?" Assassin waved at her. "Would you like to have breakfast with-"
Scheherezade quickly walked past her.
Mata Hari: 41 Years Old.
"Bonjour, Mademoiselle Caster!" Rider said. "Lovely morning, isn't it?"
Scherezade stoically ignored the young queen along her way.
Marie Antoinette: 37 Years Old.
"Oh, hello there," the other Caster blinked when she saw her. "Something wrong? You look quite-"
Scheherezade just kept on marching ahead.
Helena Blavatsky: 59 Years Old.
"Hmmm?" Berserker raised an eyebrow as the Caster sat down before her. "What is it, Caster? Are you feeling-"
Wordlessly, Caster held one of Berserker's hands and began to rub it up and down across Caster's own hair and scalp, over and over.
Berserker sighed. "This isn't confirmed by science at all and you know that, right?"
Still, she appreciated the gifts of the placebo effect enough, and Caster at least made a point of always keeping her hair clean because of germ phobia, so she let her do as she pleased.
Florence Nightingale: 90 Years Old.
Anything But That!
"Okay, you win, I'll admit it!" Ritsuka said, as Medb advanced lasciviously on him, grinning in triumph. "I do have a sexual fantasy I'd really like to see fulfilled someday!"
"Then tell me about it, Master," the Rider purred, closing on him and seizing her chance to finally take this innocent's troubling, oh so challenging purity. "And I'll make it come true, no matter how shameful or filthy it is...!"
"W-Well," he rasped, looking aside and blushing. "Maybe you'll just laugh about it..."
"Oh, no, I certainly won't!"
"Yeah, you might, it's just that silly," he sighed. "I'd like to have a woman on my bed, completely naked..."
"No problems at all there!"
"... only covered by a thick, enticing, fragant layer, all over her skin..."
"Yes...?"
"... of melted cheese!" Ritsuka finally admitted, closing his eyes in embarrassment.
Medb's, instead, almost popped out of her skull.
"I mean," Ritsuka said, "I'd heard of women who cover themselves on chocolate and such from Blackbeard, but I really like cheese a whole lot, so while I know that's a perverted, kinda creepy thing to think about, I couldn't help- Rider?"
He looked, dumbfounded, at the now open room of his bedroom while listening to Rider's howl of fierce frustration coming from down the hall.
Cold Comfort.
"Gawrsh, don't worry, Donald," Goofy said, patting his back and genuinely thinking he was doing the best. "I'm all sure Gladstone will never take Daisy away from you and for himself!"
The downtrodden duck looked up at his friend. "Really? And what makes you so sure?"
Goofy smiled. "Because he's lucky, a-hyuk!"
The duck jumped in a mad fit for this throat.
Keitaro, the Realist.
"Have you heard about that?" the girl in the sandbox paused, taking a moment to smile at him. "They say that, if two people promise to study together at Toudai, and then they do, they'll stay together forever!"
The little boy with glasses paused as well, looked at her with a complete lack of expression, and then simply said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Then he went back to patting the sand of his castle firmly in place.
"—and then he went over to marry a sure thing, his supportive, dazzling hot adopted sister, and had many beautiful babies with her," Urashima Kanako finished her story.
The children sitting around her blinked several times, downright stunned.
"You're weird, Mom," one of them said.
The Lesson.
His life truly lacked a purpose until he ran into the Prophet. Thinking little of the holy man at first, he was truly caught by his words as he listened on. Something struck him more than anything else, a part of that speech that marked him forever, that would determine the course of all his actions from then on.
"Do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets".
Then again, he was a masochist, and so…
The Real Secret Origin of Oracle.
The unexperienced young girl in a masquerade party costume dropped before the trio of armed criminals, extending her cape around herself. "Give up, Moth!" she said. "Or face... the Batgirl!"
Killer Moth paused, looked at his henchmen, shared a shrug of shoulders with them, and then shot the newbie blocking their way through her midsection with his frankly stupid looking Moth-Gun.
(As seen in Detective Comics Issue 359, 'The Million Dollar Debut of Batgirl'- January 1967, by Gardner Fox and Carmine Infantino).
Steph blinked. "... huh. I don't know, I always had the impression that would have involved the Joker, or someone else, someone less-"
"This is as far as this conversation goes," Barbara told her sternly.
Elevator Action.
Scheherezade sighed as she walked into the elevator, then waited for its door to close.
As it went up, the Caster couldn't help shuddering. Elevator rides still gave her a terribly bad feeling, both because of the mere sensation of being trapped and because she was going up in what she feared could become a technological dropping coffin at any given time. But then, she had grown to accept them as a necessary evil after Da Vinci spoke to her on the subject.
"Actually, here in Chaldea it's safer taking the elevator than going up or down the stairs."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I am! The most dangerous and rambunctious Servants prefer taking the stairs. It's easier to start duels at a flight of stairs, and some of the biggest ones, like Heracles, just won't fit into the Elevator. So overall, I would say there is a far bigger chance of getting caught as collateral damage in the stairs than in an elevator."
"I see... Thank you very much, then. That information might just have saved my life!"
"There is only one thing you must be wary of," the other Caster warned. "If 'that person who dies a lot' gets in the same elevator as you, well... I wouldn't want to think about it. But no, he's one of the most active Servants, of course he'd never be caught dead taking the elevator!" Da Vinci laughed lightly, even though Scheherezade only could shudder at the carefree act of taking death in jest.
It had worked fine for her so far, anyway. Scheherezade allowed herself a smile under the veil, she almost had reached her destination, only one more floor and-
Then the door went open, and to her horror, the last person she had wanted to see now stepped in.
"Shhhh!" the Lancer, Cu Chulainn, hushed her as he pressed the button and closed the door. "That bothersome woman is going down the stairs, and we'd have walked into each other, but luckily I saw her in time! This won't take any long, I'm just going two more stories u-"
Then the elevator suddenly plummeted in a trailing blaze of gigantic flames as Scheherezade screamed in mad panic.
From the stairs, Medb blinked, thinking she had heard something, and looked aside. Paying attention, she thought she heard some commotion from the lower levels, but she figured it didn't concern her. Besides, she had far better things to do right now.
With a perverse smile, she finally reached the door of Fergus' quarters, rang on it, and was quick and eagerly pulled in as she laughed.
The door clicked closed behind her.
A Scene You Won't See in Kingdom Hearts III.
Sora smiled as he, Donald and Goofy watched Rapunzel prancing around the flowery field, under the bright sun, with Flynn- sorry, Eugene- standing closer to her and speaking to her, something she wasn't paying a lot of attention to and also something the boys couldn't hear from that far.
"Raps' hair sure is unique, isn't it?" Sora commented, seeing that long golden trail, the likes of which he'd never seen before, trailing behind the playful girl, glittering with the sunlight.
"A-yup!" Goofy said. "And also very advan—advent—addvantage—useful too, a-hyuk!"
"Yeah, I guess so…" Donald pondered, unable to deny the point anymore after the close shave in the flooding cave. Even if he still couldn't fathom with someone would find hair on a female's head appealing. Weren't feathers just much better?
Goofy hummed, in a weird thought tangent of his own. "Yanno, do you think she also has magical hair, well…?"
Sora blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Well, uh… like I said, yanno…" Goofy pointed downwards, to which Sora only frowned in confusion, but made Donald violently choke in his saliva, face beet red.
"WAAAAUGGHHHH!" he exploded at his old friend. "Why you palooka, why are you saying that 'bout a lady, and to a kid, to boot?!" he yelled, already waving his fists at Goofy and startling Sora.
Goofy blinked cluelessly. "Have I been rude?"
"Of course you were! You hang 'round a royal court, you should be way more-!"
"Wait, slow down, what's the point of this discussion in the first place?" Sora asked, greatly confused. Donald paused and sighed. Of course, he told himself, Sora would have seen a naked lady before. This would take a lot of careful, mature, thoughtful… tap dancing and stalling around the subject, and Donald really didn't want to do it, but on the other hand, maybe it'd be good practice for when Huey, Dewey and Louie were of that age too.
"Listen, Sora," the mage tried to say patiently, "the point is, you never should ask questions about women's, you know, lower parts… LIKE THIS IDIOT WAS JUST DOING!" suddenly all of his patience exploded away just like that, his bellicose fist swinging at Goofy reassuming as the shielder merely gave a wary step back. "WHY, I OUGHTTA-!"
"Gawrsh, sorry, Donald!" Goofy gasped. "Whatever it was, I didn't mean to do it, really!"
"WHADDYA MEAN YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO, AND WHADDYA MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW YET?!" Donald quacked. "After I'm spelling it out for you! Why, of all the dumb-! You can't be around Rapunzel asking weird questions like 'Golly, Rapunzel, do you have magical hair on your crotch?-!"
Then, paralyzing Donald immediately, a cautious voice asked, "Hmm, sorry, what was that about hair where…?"
Donald's neck creaked horribly as he turned it around, to stare in mute horror at Rapunzel and Flynn, who had approached the trio to see what was all the commotion about.
The duck hiccupped, whimpered, hiccupped again, changed colors a few times, shivered to the last feather, and finally fainted in pace with a long, mortified and very strange sound.
Rapunzel blinked down at him, then asked Goofy and Sora with a sheepish apologectic smile. "Ahhhh… Exactly what did he say, really? I never can understand him, what with the way he talks, sorry…"
Eugene ran a hand down his face and murmured to himself, "To be fair, I was wondering the same thing as him…"
The Shortest Rebuild of Evangelion Ever!
"Quick, hop on board, Shinji!" the woman urged him. "We've gotta run, you know!"
"Ah, ah, yes!" Shinji snapped from his confusion, hurrying up inside of the car.
Misato grinned. "There we go, then...!" And then she procceeded to madly race headfirst into the nearest building, which then plummeted down on them.
"... we should have hired someone who could drive better," Ikari Gendo estimated stoically right before the world ended around him.
Their First Times.
Iron Mace Alvida! Mizuki-sensei! Mistress Centipede! That pterosaur who kidnapped Bulma! The Third Angel! Evangeline A.K. Mc Dowell! Cu Chulainn! The fake Hitokiri Battousai! The fake Salamander! Stryker, from The Case of the Chemical Syndicate! Magneto, Master of Magnetism! The burglar who killed Uncle Ben!
"Wait, what am I doing here?!" Evangeline protested. "I'm still relevant, unlike most of these losers!"
Yes, they all were the first ever threats the world's greatest heroes faced! But, while greater and better foes eventually surpassed them, now they have banded together to establish superiority through numbers!
"But I'm still relevant on my own, too!" Lancer said. "I still get multiple alternate variants and everything! There's more of me than of Emiya!"
It's The League of Starting Enemies! Out to regain your respect… one way or another! Better look out, world!
"Screw you, idiots!" Eva yelled. "I still command lots of respect! Tons of respect! I never lost it! Don't lump me in with the rest of you!"
"I'm still not wearing a shirt or bra!" Mistress Centipede announced.
All-New series starting this September the 31th. WARNING: Monster Centipede Nudity, Viewer's Discreetion is Strongly Adviced.
"No, seriously, why are the witch, the spearman and I in the same team as three people who don't even have actual names?" Magneto questioned.
The Tragedy of Saber and Archer.
She looked at him in thoughtful silence for a moment. Even more thoughtful than her usual silences, that was. He waited patiently, even though he already knew the answer all too well. Still, he also knew she had to say it. For her own good, she had to take that out of her chest.
Perhaps, in hindsight, her whole life would have been much better, had she spoken her mind more often.
"I'm sorry," she told him, her tone respectful and considerate but still distant and impersonal. "But it'd never work. Even leaving my own issues aside, too little of the Emiya Shirou I loved remains in you."
He made a small, apologetic smile. "I wish I could say the same about you."
She frowned. "That's what I mean. That way of yours, of phrasing things so they are hurtful while remaining sincere... that's not like him at all. He never wished to hurt others, even in the slightest way. It was an impossible goal, of course, but it still was a big part of why I loved him."
Archer shrugged. "That's okay. I didn't expect for anything else. Just making sure, before the end, you would have heard it from me, in clear terms." He took his head back and sighed. "I'm sort of sick by now, about never saying these things while still having the chance."
"And then why don't you say them more often?" Saber asked, even though she knew she was not one to talk on the subject.
His sad, small smile returned. "Maybe because, whenever I do, I phrase them in ways that are hurtful. Even if they are sincere."
She blinked, took on that with a throughly baffled expression that was so unusual in her, and then, with the sudden drive of a moment's decision, covered the distance between them and kissed him soundly.
Because even if that was their tragedy, perhaps, just perhaps, it didn't have to end as one after all.
Mashu, who had been looking for them only to find them while absorbed into each other, paused only for the briefest of instants before silently pulling back and closing the door after herself.
The Secret of my Success.
"Okay, fine, I'll tell you!" Dana finally told Touta. "He managed it this way..."
Year One:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"No!" Chisame said.
Year Two:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"No!" Chisame said.
Year Three:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Hell no!" Chisame said.
Year Four:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Still too soon!" Chisame said.
Year Five:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Still too young!" Chisame said.
Year Six:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Shut up, can't you see I'm going through a hikikomori stage!" Chisame said.
Year Seven:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Still hikikomoring it up!" Chisame said.
Year Eight:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked after literally dragging Chisame out.
"No, let me back in!" Chisame said. "The sunlight, it hurts my eyes!"
"No!" Negi said.
Year Nine:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"No!" Chisame said.
Year Ten:
"Will you marry me?" Negi asked.
"Okay, fine, whatever, you win, yes, I will marry you!" Chisame said.
Happy End!
"And that's how it happened!" Dana finished.
"That... That's just plain harassement and stalking!" Kirie protested.
"But it worked, right?" Touta hummed, rubbing his jaw pensively. "Well, if it did the trick for Grandpa..."
He walked into Yukihime's office. "Yukihime! Will you marry me?"
"No," she simply said and froze him solid.
The moral of this story is True Love conquers it all unless the target of your love has freezing powers.
Aw, Bummer.
"Very well!" Frieza smiled, dusting his hands off as he watched the debris of Planet Vegeta slowly drifting away into space. "Now, set course for Krypton! The night's still young and I'm on a roll!"
"Um, Sire," Zarbon said, "we just got news Krypton has just exploded on its own, sorry."
"What!? Well, take me to Czarnia, then! Always hated those holier than thou hippies…"
"Ahhhh… I'm sorry to say, last week that one was wiped off by one of their own for a graduation project, remember?"
"Oh yes, that's right. Well, I guess at least one of them turned out right. I know! Let's go visit Melmac instead!"
"Melmac, my Lord?"
"Of course! Haven't you always hated those unfunny hairballs too?"
Zarbon smiled. "Naturally. Melmac it is, then!"
"Whoo-hoo!"
ALF shrugged. "So yeah, well, y'see, those things happen. And now, you know…"
Willie Tanner blinked. "I'm… I'm very sorry I asked…"
Everyday Horrors.
Hitou Nami was never bitten by a vampire and turned into an immortal aberration.
Hitou Nami never summoned a manifestation from a dead legendary figure to fight into a merciless contest to the death over the right to reshape the world.
Hitou Nami never was invited into the club of child molesters housed in the small cabin in the woods.
Hitou Nami never was attacked by monsters from another dimension.
Despite a few close calls, Hitou Nami never was pulled into a basement by her Class Rep and bashed over the head with a shovel during a fit of jealousy, then quietly put to rest under wooden planks.
Hitou Nami never got supernatural powers from being kissed on the mouth by her pale, cadaveric, suicidal teacher.
Hitou Nami died exactly one day before the reveal of magic to the world, ten years ago and seventy years after her high school graduation.
Hitou Nami was spared all those small everyday horrors. In a way, she was reasonably happy with her life, even.
But maybe, just maybe, you can't get to experience true Heaven without ever experiencing a bit of Hell first.
That is scary in its own right, most likely
A Man's Decision.
"I think," Negi told Rito, "I've decided who I want to date."
And Rito nodded proudly, patting Negi's shoulders. "Well done, Sensei. It was about time you put a stop to this. All those girls, tripping each other, after you... it was bound to end up badly. Even if you're still very young, it's for the best to settle the matter already."
Negi nodded back. "Thank you. You're very understanding, Yuuki-san. These... these are the things men have to share with each other, isn't it? You, who also have devoted your heart to a single woman, would know, I was sure..."
Rito laughed gently. "Of course! We've had our differences, but you're a good boy, probably the best kid I've ever met, and I'm sure you'll make any girl you chose very happy, Sensei. So, who is it? Chisame-san? Kakizaki-san? The Vice President, or Yukihiro-san?"
"Mikan."
Rito froze in place.
"And he tossed you through the window?!" Haruna cried. "HOW IN THE WORLD could he manage doing THAT?!"
"The Power of Love," Negi mumbled, wincing in pain as she applied the bag of ice on his swollen cheek. "You should've seen him after I told him she was okay with it, too..."
A Tragedy.
"His name was Lincoln Loud," Agent Melendez said.
"Hmmm," Detective Oglethorpe rasped. "Did he have any relatives?"
"Yeah. Eleven sisters, actually. But he hadn't talked to any of them in over a decade…"
The Princess and the Bible.
Since Minase didn't seem fully convinced yet, Kitami began singing and dancing before him, all across the dark underground crypt.
"Don't you disrespect me, little man!
Don't you derogate or deride!
You're in my world now, not your world
And I got friends on the other side!"
The spirits of Nami, Rie, Saki and the other cultists from twelve years ago crooned, "She's got friends on the other side..."
"Sit down at my slab
Put your mind at ease
If you relax it'll enable me to do
Anything I please
I can read your future
I can change it 'round some, too
I'll look deep into your heart and soul
Make your wildest dreams come true!
I got voodoo, I got hoodoo,
I got things I ain't even tried!
And I got friends on the other side!"
"She's got friends on the other side!" the ghosts sang.
"The cards, the cards, the cards will tell
The past, the present, and the future as well!
The cards, the cards, just take three
Take a little trip into your future with me!"
Minase stopped her with a hand gesture as she deployed the tarot cards before him. "That's a pretty great show of lights you've got here, Sensei, but... sorry, I'm still not interested. Maybe if you had tempted me with sex..."
"Sex?! I may be a devilish witch, but I'm no whore!"
"Don't mind her, she's been that afraid of sex ever since I had her raped by a street gang..." Nami's ghost said.
"Quiet, you!" Kitami growled.
Elsewhere at the same time, Dr. Facilier was dropping his pants and boxers before a horrified Naveen and Lawrence. "Very well then, boy, let's seal our deal..."
The young prince and his manservant ran back and escaped through the front door.
The witch doctor snapped his fingers in frustration. "Why is it never works? Don't I have the sexiest voice ever, or what?"
Duckadent Habits.
"There's something I have to ask you," Huey said hesitantly, after sharing nervous glances with his brothers. He was well aware that that was starting this conversation off in what had to be one of the worst of all possible ways.
"Then ask," replied Della, in the same calm, unchanging tone that she nearly always used.
For a moment, they considered Della Duck, pilot and adventurer supreme, treasure huntress extraordinary. Their mother. A duck only slightly shorter than Daisy, actually, with short wide hair just a touch lighter than- why did she have hair anyway, though, she was a duck! And what was with Webby's grandma, come to think about it? Was that a wig? Anyway, she was their mother.
Seeking clues to the whereabouts of the Spear of Selene for Unca Scrooge, they had found their mother, rescued her, and brought her back to the manor. And here she was.
He had never permitted himself to wonder what had happened to her. Unca Donald had been so devoted and so kind, well, when he wasn't flying off the handle in a homicidal rage anyway, that he could not imagine hurting him by saying that they wanted something else, a presence other than hers. And what had happened when they began to wonder what had become of their father had further soured Huey on such speculations.
He was so glad that Unca Donald had withdrawn to give the four of them this time together in his room, and -
"I'm waiting for that question," Della interjected, while Louie roughly elbowed him in the back and rasped loudly.
"Oh, my apologies. I was trying to think of the best way to put this," Huey temporized, as he had been doing no such thing. Behind him, Louie and Dewey rolled their eyes in exasperation.
"That you show such concern for what you would say is an admirable quality," Della replied, with a slight shake of her head. "Please do not apologize for such qualities."
"Yeah. Um. Thank you. Ah. You... know that we have-"
Then Unca Donald kicked the door open, pointed a stiff accusing finger at Della, and hissed icily, staring directly into her eyes, "Don't you dare...!"
His sister just gave a bored glare. "What are you saying?"
"I know where's this going!" Donald growled at her. "And I'm not gonna let you...!"
Dewey blinked while Huey only gasped in confusion and Louie muttered sourly. "Unca Donald!" the middle brother protested. "What are you-!"
Della imposed silence with a calm gesture of a hand. "Boys. That's okay. Your uncle's right. Sorry, I think we'd better have this discussion some other time," she said, before quietly standing back up and leaving the bedroom.
The three boys stared burning daggers at their uncle. But this time, he just ignored them altogether and let out a small, quacking sigh of relief.
That kind of thing would never fly at Disney, after all!
Five DC Crossovers in the Marvel Universe.
Legends.
"Glorious Godfrey," Thanos grandiously said, while inwarding wondering what had possessed him to recruit someone with such a stupid name. "You are to turn Earth against its defenders! You will make its populace hate, fear and despise its champions! The legends among them must be met with nothing but scorn and burning hatred, so my conquest can be absolute!"
Godfrey fell to a knee before him. "Yes, Sire!"
One month later, Godfrey returned to give his report.
Thanos folded his hands together, impatiently. "Well?"
Godfrey looked up at him, deeply hurt. "… you have a really low opinion of me, don't you? I mean, it only took me one afternoon and two doctored pictures of Hawkeye…!"
The Final Night.
"Earthlings!" Galactus' voice boomed, as he manifested himself above the planet. "Once again, I have come to devour your homeworld! But this time Galactus' hunger shall be sated, because—"
"Ummmm… Master?" Nova said. "I think the planet's dead already, see…" She pointed down to the frozen surface of Earth, and then, sheepishly, up to the black dead spot in the skies the Sun-Eater had recently ravaged.
Galactus facepalmed. "Why didn't I ever think of that before, myself?"
Flashpoint.
"Soooo…" Spider-Man said, "Let me see if I understood you right, you went back in time and changed the whole universe just to see if you could save your mother from another speedster guy?"
Flash scratched the back of his own neck awkwardly. "That… That's basically it, I'm so sorry… I know it was selfish and reckless of me, and I won't blame you if you're mad at me…"
"Ah, no, actually, I kinda can sympathize. I mean, I once made a deal with the Devil to save my Octogenarian aunt. Your mom wasn't even seventy yet, I'd bet?"
Flash took pause, then his face twitched just so very slightly.
No Man's Land.
"So," Gyrich declared, "this is what we'll do. Rebuilding the whole city after the earthquake would cost too much, and frankly, people just won't want to move back since 99% of all supervillains in the world live here, so we'll just blow all the bridges up and maybe build a wall all around the island, and call it a day. You're welcome to leave if you want, but do it quick, we're doing it in 24 hours."
"… you must be joking," Iron Man said. "Like hell we're quitting on New York! This isn't only inconstitutional, but the people of the USA will never be stupid enough as to let you—Oh, who am I kidding, of course they are, but still, we aren't leaving."
"Nay," Thor agreed. "Non-New York based books barely sell at all, verily!"
And so Latveria took over the rest of the world by the next week.
Underworld Unleashed.
Neron smiled perversely at the assembled villains. "And so, I will grant all the wishes of your hearts, asking for nothing in return but—"
"Not our marriages!" Absorbing Man gasped as he and Titania hugged. "Anything but our marriages!"
Neron blinked. "Are you insane? I was going to say your souls!"
"Ah! Sorry, 's just that's the way the old management 'round here used to do things…"
Why Can't We Have Semiramis Things.
"This," Da Vinci said, placing a large slab of rock on her desk, "is why I wanted to talk with you."
Medea remained calm and in control. "I fail to see what that has to do with me. Has Gilgamesh decided to revive his writing career again?"
The other Caster sighed. "You will deny it until I say it out loud, won't you? You know we need all the Servants we can summon here, for the fate of mankind. We shouldn't sabotage the difficult to obtain relics we need to perform new summons, just for... for whatever crossed your mind when you did this!"
"Please be more precise," Medea coolly requested.
"You knew, you had to know," Da Vinci placed a finger on the slab, "this is a relic fragment from the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and yes, I know Gilgamesh said it should be in gold, but he says that about everything! And we know you knew this, because this," the finger tapped on a slight mark on the rock's surface, "matches the shape of your Rule Breaker, as we learned as soon as we showed it to Holmes to shut him up, to see why it wouldn't work as intended. You deliberately sabotaged her summon. Why would you do that, even while knowing everything at risk here?"
Medea let out a small exhalation, then said, "She's redundant as long as I'm around!"
"She's not! If we can have fifty Artorias running around, we also can have someone else who vaguely sort of looks and acts like you! In fact, we already do!"
"Oh please! Even those who knew her aren't in any hurry to see her! Not even the Ruler! By Hades, her absence is one of the few things that gives the Mordreds some measure of contentment in this place! Would you risk sacrificing the Mordreds' efficiency in battle over someone who is, I insist, redundant?"
Da Vinci stared icily at her over the desk, before just giving up when Medea failed to flinch at all. "Okay," the Renaissance Servant evenly said. "Now explain why you did this too," she demanded, holding a white long sleeved sweater with dagger slashes all over it.
"That has an even easier answer," Medea quickly replied. "Tsukihime does not exist, after all..."
Evil Detecting Dog.
"Collet," Yue said, "why do you always act so uncomfortable around Haruna?"
You Keep Doing This to Me...
Artoria then narrowed her eyes and icily growled, "Damn you, Lancelot."
The other Saber swallowed nervously, hastily sitting up on the bed while pulling the sheets up against his chest. "Your Majesty! I can explain it if you only will let me, I swear...!"
From the other side of the bed, Shirou blinked helplessly, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Yeah," he said very quietly. "That'd be very nice of you, since I don't remember you even were a Servant in this Grail War in the first place..."
The End of One Piece.
And when Luffy opened Gold D. Roger's treasure chest, it was empty.
What? Do you really think they would've executed anyone who actually had the largest set of riches in the planet?
For Great Justice.
Rin frowned, taking the hat off Artoria's head. "No, Saber—and no, you're not an Assassin, let that go already—you can't go around killing other Servants just because they have the same face as you! I mean, kill them because they're the enemy, but not because of a reason that stupid! What would Emiya-kun say if he saw you doing this?"
Saber frowned, then pointed towards where Shirou was zipping a thick jacket up, the lower half of his face masked. "Why don't you ask him yourself?"
Shirou rasped awkwardly, hastily putting on glasses. "What are you saying, Sa—Mysterious Heroine X? I'm not any Emiya, I'm Enigmatic Hunter S, Destroyer of Hakunos and Gudaos…"
Whatever Happened to the Space Conqueror?
A Companion Piece to Alan Moore's Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?
By an author who definitely is not Alan Moore.
"Yeah, who is it?" he groaned while opening his apartment's front door, finding himself face to face with a tall, muscular white haired man in green and tan tights and cape.
"I am Kralik, the Conqueror!" the man standing on his doorstep proclaimed. "Greatest of Superman's foes! The one he fears the most! And I am here for you, Steve Lombard, his closest friend!"
The TV reporter sighed. "Look, this is about the whole 'everyone takes revenge on Clark Kent' thing, isn't it? God, you've gotta be kidding. Listen, pal, assuming you are even an enemy of Superman-"
"I am his most powerful adversary!" the weirdo insisted. "His worst nightmare!"
"Uh-huh. And we haven't even heard of you before, because...?"
"... well, the one time we fought, it happened in a distant planet, but..."
"And you never came to this planet after that? Don't you know that's how these, I don't know, enmities between superfellows are supposed to go? Hell, I know that, and I'm only a casual acquaitance of Clark. You get licked by Superman, then you keep coming to Metropolis gunning for him. That's how they all do it, Luthor, the green alien in the Speedo, the cowboy from space, the-"
"Foolish human! Do NOT dare telling Kralik how to-!"
"Shaddap, Lombard! You and your crazy deviant parties! Keep it going and I'm throwin' you out!" a loud, ugly female voice came from down the hall.
Kralik grimaced as he looked towards the direction the voice had come from.
"- the Kryptonite Man, the Parasite, the midget with the bowler hat, Metallo, you know, everyone!" Lombard finished counting with his fingers. "I mean, when did you fight Superman anyway? Two months ago? How long have you been in this business after all?"
"Uh..." Kralik hesitated, "We, we fought in the year your people marked as 1968, I believe, but what does that-"
"1968?!" Lombard said. "For real?! Don't you know we're in 1986 now, buddy?! Where the hell have you been in the meanwhile?!"
"I was contained in a space prison fit even to the mighty Kralik's-"
"In prison, he says!" Lombard ran a hand down his own face. "Since when that matters?! Lex Luthor gets tossed into jail twice a month and escapes just as often just to go after Superman again! You're telling me it took you eighteen years to escape prison?!"
"It, it was a galactic jail, far greater than anything you meager race might ever conceive, dolt!"
"Eighteen years to escape!"
"I didn't escape! I was released early because of good behavior!" Kralik roared, then quickly slammed a hand down on his own mouth while actually blushing.
Lombard gasped, then shook his head. "Are you sure you're even an actual supervillain?"
"I am! Fool, behold the proof!" he said, spinning in place before blinking away, and blinking back just as soon holding a copy of World's Finest Comics 173.
"... what's this junk?" Lombard asked when Kralik handed him the comicbook.
"Idiot, that's evidence of my villainy straight from Earth Prime!" Kralik boasted.
"Can you go to Earth Prime? Just by spinning around like a sissy?"
"I don't know!" an exasperated Kralik said. "Look, my powers are only vaguely defined, okay? I just did it, so I guess I could! Just look through the damned thing, it costed me a lot in Near Mint condition!"
Lombard huffed, flipping through the magazine. "Here you only show up in a short flashback lasting less than one page. The rest of the story is about Superman disguised as you, while Batman disguised as Two-Face kicks your butt. This story is bull anyway since it says Bruce Wayne is Batman and that's just plain ridiculous, but I don't doubt you're lame enough as to be shown up by a scarred mental patient. Is this supposed to impress me?"
"Imbecile, read closely! It says it right there, Superman fears me more than anyone else! He only won against me because of a fortunate punch!"
"Okay. And then, I suppose you've got more appearances than this, don't you? A foe of your caliber should have shown up more than once, am I right?"
"... no, I'm afraid that's all there is to... to..."
"Ah-hah. Well, if you want Clarkie, you aren't getting him here. You watched the news, didn't he? After being outed by the Prankster and Toyman on live TV, and I'm going easy on you by not mentioning how you were outdone by the Prankster and the Toyman, he took his loved ones and flew away with them into hiding..."
"I know. Which is why I come to you, the next closest to him, to lure him into my merciless hands!"
"... man. If Clarkie cared about me in the first place, don't you think he'd have taken me away with the others?"
"..." Kralik said.
"I mean, I pranked the hell outta him and he kept turning my pranks against me, do you think there was any good blood between us? You spent this whole week looking through the directories trying to find friends of Clark still left in town, didn't you? Didn't you?"
"I, um, eh..."
"You went to Lucy first, didn't you? And she kicked your butt, didn't she?"
"I, I don't desire to talk about that infernal woman. But Kralik vows, someday she'll know the full weight of my revenge..."
"God, but you're sad," Lombard scowled, handing him the magazine back. "Go get yourself a life, pal. Or, I don't know, go fight Firestorm for all I care. I heard he isn't picky."
And he slammed the door on his face.
Kralik stood there, staring blankly at the door, before sobbing loudly at the door and head back out, shoulders slumped, a shattered ruin of a space conqueror.
He walked into the park, reached the bench where a gigantic super ape sat barely leaving any room for him, and sat down on that tiny space, his scalp half buried into hairy super ape ass.
"Don't bother with Lombard either," Kralik quietly said, sounding truly devastated.
"Oook oook ook ok. Ook," Titano sympathized.
End.