These characters are owned by Type-Moon, Akamatsu Ken, The Walt Disney Company, and whoever else.
Unequally Rational and Emotional, Carnival Phantasm.
Also known as My Little Carnival Phantasm Can't be this Cute.
Extra Special Chapter- December 2018
Trial by Fire.
"Ah," said Gudako, never one to easily learn from experience. "So that is what happens when you tug Artoria's ahoge off! Now, I wonder what will happen if we do the same to Nero-chan...?"
Minutes later, Chaldea was going up in flames as the Red Saber played the violin.
Miniature Senior Citizens.
It was the 60th birthday of MC-Kun's grandfather, and everybody had gathered at his ridiculously large for Japanese standards average house, except for MC-Kun's always absent parents, of course. Actually, by this point are we sure they ever existed at all?
"Happee beerutudayyy to youuuu! Happee beerutudayyy to youuuu!" MC-Kun, MC-Chan, Useless Best Friend-Kun, Edgy Rival-Kun, Christmas Cake-Sensei, Talking Mascot-Kun, Big Oppai Oneechan, TsunTsun Imouto and Ohhoho Ojou-sempai all sang in horribly accented Engrish, laughed and clapped, and then stopped to let Grandfather blow his candles off.
Grandfather, still a big, strapping and handsome man with a full head of long white hair, smiled and blew on the cake's candles. A second later, he dropped down drastically, suddenly reduced to a tiny shriveled gnome with a huge bald head and large bulging eyes.
"Well," he said, "it can't be helped, this is part of the cycle of anime life after all."
A Typical Afternoon in the Offices of Type-Moon.
"Okay, then, how about Heroic Spirit Assassin Edward Gein?" he suggested next. "He inspired both The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Psycho, so we can mix Leatherface and Norman Bates into a single Composite Servant! And he'll be easily recognizable without us having to pay royalties to either movie franchise!"
"My God!" one of his colleagues said. "That's it! You're brilliant!"
"We can get Takehito Koyasu to voice him!" suggested a second one.
"Maybe we can rework him into a kawaii girl, though?"
"Oh dear," another soberly realized. "Our lives, what in the world are we doing with them...?!"
The Explanation.
"No!" the Dark Knight shouted, racing desperately towards the man and the seven glowing spheres spread around him on the sand, even as the gigantic, green, scaly figure rose majestically towards the thunderous night sky. "I won't let you...!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaaahhh, too late, Batman!" the Joker cackled, throwing his gloved hands upwards. "Shen Long! Grant my wish now! Give me complete immortality...!"
"And that's why I won't kill the Joker, Jason," the Batman grunted. "Because it's fucking impossible!"
Red Hood paused, then scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "Oh... I see. Well, you should have told us way earlier, then!"
Reverse.
And then the harems broke in, and saw Kirito, Shirou, Negi, Ranma, Keitaro, Rito, Tenchi, Keiichi, Kodaka, Raku, Kyon, Hayate, Itoshiki, Kyosuke, Otaru, Seina, Hibiki, Makoto, the other Makoto, Producer-san, Saito and Shiki all being violently done by a bunch of old, ugly, fat naked women.
Shounen Adam and Eve.
After waiting in vain over several decades, Kami-sama ended up undoing His plans for this humankind thing. Adam and Eve refused to ever have babies or even get ahead with their relationship, the former spending all of his time fighting the snake while Eve would punch him every time she stepped into sight while naked...
Shoujo Adam and Eve.
It took Eve-chan twelve volumes to decide between charming bad boy Snake and resident nice but gullible guy Adam-kun.
Further complicating things was Adam-kun's wordly and sexy ex-girlfriend, Lilith...
Visual Novel Adam and Eve.
One fateful night, Adam accidentally summoned a mythical figure from the past... wait a moment...
Light Novel Adam and Eve.
Sorry, at this point writing hasn't been invented yet.
Isekai Adam and Eve.
"Adam," Kami-sama said, "I have just transported you to this new world because-"
"A new world? This is the beginning of the universe? All worlds are new! What was the point of transporting me to this one? What can I do here that I couldn't have done back on Earth too?" Adam asked.
"For starters, you will be able to lord your technological superiority and different culture over the inhabitants of this fantasy world," Kami-sama explained.
"I'm a naked man with no ancestors, no culture to speak of yet, and I haven't even invented fire! And what other inhabitants, this other world is brand new too! There's no one here but the two of us!"
So God created the first elf, the first troll, the first goblin, and the first tavern owner, so Adam could have others to interact with during the first Isekai story.
Ghibli Adam and Eve.
And so, Adam created the first flying machine, so he could have the requisite exquisitely animated, breathtaking sequences of flight across the blue skies and over the green prairies...
And so he could pluck that apple from that tree, of course.
Darkenning's Adam and Eve.
"Just remember," Kami-sama told them. "You are siblings, and also father and daughter, since you were created from his rib."
As soon as He turned around, they began having sex.
Chris Carter's Adam and Eve.
"So, after the murder, Cain runs away and enters a village where he meets a young woman he marries and has children with..."
And thus, the first plot hole born from plotting along the way came into being.
Unequally Adam and Eve.
Way too many characters.
Turkish Adam and Eve.
Adam is a flabby fifty six year old man, Eve is played by a young man in a nude suit and a wig, and they fight Evil Spider-Man instead of the snake.
Marvel Cinematic Universe Adam and Eve.
It takes one Kami-sama Movie, one Adam Movie, one Eve Movie, one Snake Movie, and one Tree of Knowledge Movie to get there, but finally...
"I am Groot!" the Tree said, violently keeping the apple away from the snake's reach.
Audiences went wild and they broke all box office records.
DC Cinematic Universe Adam and Eve.
The snake snaps Adam's neck by the end of the first movie, which prompts everyone to label it too pointlessly dark and dour.
Adam returns in the sequel, but it bombs badly.
The Asylum's Adam and Eve.
The snake is replaced by a cyborg ghost zombie alien shark with seven heads, and Kami-sama is a bad CGI effect only seen for two minutes.
Reboot Adam and Eve.
It does well, but grouchy online fans complain about making Kami-sama a female, Eve Asian, and the snake black.
Anno Hideaki's Rebuild of Adam and Eve.
The fourth movie takes so damn long, it actually comes out after the final Apocalypse Movie has been released.
Rob Liefeld's Adam and Eve.
They took one good look at each other with their white pupil-less eyes, felt deep mutual revulsion at what they saw, and never had any children.
Kami-sama was still happy though, since it meant he'd never have to worry about drawing the next issue. Besides, snakes were cool to draw because they had no feet.
Nintendo's Adam and Eve.
Then a crown fell on the snake's head, and the world's first forced meme was born.
Top Ten Anime that Could be Improved Replacing their Leads with Batman Villains.
10. Sword Arkham Online.
9. My Little Riddler Can't be this Cute.
8. The World Maxie Zeus Only Knows.
7. Puddin' in the Franxx.
6. Bible Black Mask.
5. Kill La Killer Moth.
4. Fate: Today's Menu for the Condiment King Family.
3. Highschool of the Deadshot.
2. In Another World with my Solomon Grundy.
1. Revolutionary Ojii-san Ra's al Ghul.
Dance in the Toy Bund.
She sat back and smiled as she listened to them. "Please get ready, Your Majesty, we are going live in five, four, three-"
But then all the screens in the studio, instead, flashed with the image of a plastic cowboy directly addressing the audience.
"Howdy, partners," he said. "I'm Woody, Supreme Sheriff of the Toy Race. For many centuries we have lived among you, posing as nothing but lifeless playthings, but starting tonight, we will be coexisting with you, no longer as objects to be used and then discarded, but rather, as your friends... and equals. To all toys in the world who wish so, you can come with us, to live in the island we have just bought for our species, built out of LEGO blocks in the Japanese sea. A bund where toys everywhere can lead their public lives peacefully, happily. You've got a friend in us..."
Mina Tepes stared lividly at the screens relaying the message that was right now being broadcast to all of Japan and then the world as a whole, open mouthed and silent until an attendant asked nervously, "Hime-sama? What, what are we supposed to do after this..."
Mina sighed and began unbuttoning her top down, kicking the shoes off. "Well, there's only one way I can make my message more attention catching now..."
In His Blood.
"And this," Sir Grimsby said as he showed Ariel the next room, "is Prince Eric's studio, where he-"
Ariel then blinked in surprise, seeing Eric pace frantically around the room, shaking a human skull in a hand and yelling at his ever stoic manservant.
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Grimsby, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar!? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chapfallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favor she must come. Make her laugh at that! Prithee, Grimsby, tell me one thing-"
Grimsby wordlessly closed the door on his face, then kept on walking, with a rattled Ariel marching behind her. "- engages into activities proper to all Princes of Denmark from his dynasty. Now, if I could show you, Madame, the Music Room..."
Sock It Up.
"Do you know what I hate the most about this place?" Two-Face asked the Joker, after they got the latest set of just washed and pressed prison clothes from the Arkham staff. "These guys never lose any of my socks! So I never can wear them mismatched!"
"They usally put itching powder in mine," Joker shared. "For some reason they seem to find that funny..."
Supervillains' Night Out.
"Well, time to leave then," Doctor Octopus said, slamming his empty jar on the supervillain bar's, well, bar. "You'll pay the tab as agreed, won't you, Mysterio?"
The Mysterio lifelike hologram that had been sitting with the other Sinister Six just vanished in thin air then.
"Why, that fucker-!" the Vulture shook a fist. "He did it again!"
So the five of them had to stay after hours doing dishes and cleaning the floors of Mr. Hyde's vomit. Thankfully, extra metal arms and symbiote tendrils help a lot when you're charged with chores such as those...
Shounen Jump.
"Well," Takahata said, "your father liked One Piece the best. Good thing it's still running, even if it takes another ten years freeing him it'll still be around, and I know he'll be excited on having so much to catch up to. Rakan liked something called To Love Ru, he said it was super interesting, but I never learned why, they wouldn't let me look at those pages. Kurt liked Death Note the best. Al was more of a Slam Dunk fan, although I'm convinced he only read it for all the men in basketball shorts. My master and Zecht never had any use for the magazine, and Eishun was fond of Rurouni Kenshin. Your mother actually liked Bobobo... I never understood the appeal, but she said it made her laugh... and I used to like Naruto, but luckily I grew up!"
Then he smiled fondly at the boys. "So, what about you two? What are your favorite Jump series then, Negi-kun, Kotaro-kun?"
"Mine's Assassination Classroom," Negi said. "It's refreshing coming back from a day of students trying to kiss you to read about students trying to kill their teacher. And Kotaro's is Nisekoi!"
"Of courrrrse not!" Kotaro growled, blushing at the truth. "It's Fist of the North Star, damn it! Fist of the North Star! I, I just read that other thing to laugh at how bad it keeps getting!"
LEGO Bible Black.
From the same creators who brought you The LEGO Movie, LEGO Batman, LEGO Simpsons, LEGO Scooby Doo, LEGO Guardians of the Galaxy, LEGO Harry Potter, LEGO Frozen, LEGO Star Wars, LEGO Jurassic Park, LEGO Indiana Jones and LEGO Lord of the Rings...
LEGO Kitami took her LEGO miniskirt down her short, stubby legs, then inserted an extra block on her crotch, which protuded prominently. "I am a Master Builder..." she smiled evilly, "of demonic Futanari!"
LEGO Nonokusa blinked, then couldn't help but falling on her back, laughing hysterically.
LEGO Kitami frowned. "This just doesn't work at all in this format," she cleverly deduced.
Aaa! Megumi-sama!
"I'm the goddess Megumi," she smiled, advancing towards Keiichi with a sweetly teasing smile, "and I'm going to make all your wishes a reality..."
Then Morisato Takane walked in. "Megumi-chan, Keiichi-kun, dinner is almost... readyyyyyy..."
She stared uncomfortably at her two children, the younger splayed on all fours above the older, who rested with his back on the floor and a look of utter panic on his face. The youthful looking mother quickly closed the door and walked back to the table, sitting by her husband.
"Both seriously need to find themselves someone else," she told him.
Aaa! Haruhi-sama!
"Hey there!" the girl who had just appeared before Keiichi grinned from ear to ear. "I'm Haruhi, newest Super Recruit and Soon to be Divine Dictator for Eternal Life of the Goddess Relief Service! I'm here to fulfill any wish you have, as long as you are an ESPer, time traveler, slider or alien!"
"What if I'm none of those?!" Keiichi gasped.
"Then you will be my minion, of course! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
"Fuckin' genius!" 4chan proclaimed.
Aaa! Madoka-sama!
The pink haired girl smiled very sweetly at Keiichi. "How do you do? I'm Kaname Madoka, sent by the Magical Girl Relief Office to grant you any wish you may have!"
In the immortal words of Illyasviel von Einzbern, all Japanese men are Lolicons, and so...
"Damn you, Fujishima!" Homura roared, kicking open the mangaka's front door and beginning to spray bullets inside...
Aaa! Nyarko-sama!
"Now our contract is complete, Keiichi-san!" happily blabbered the hideous, monstruous, unfathomable, vile, repulsive, otherwordly, despicable and indescriptibly sexy and adorable entity who had materialized into Morisato's room. "And this is the proof your existence as my Master!"
The dreaded, vociferant, fearsome, alien, forceful, unsettling, otherwordly, foreign, and also incredibly lovable and appealing creature handed him a large, shiny silver fork.
Keiichi blinked at it. "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Stab me with it whenever you feel frustrated with me!" gleefully explained the twisted, deranged, terrifying, wicked, gruesome, intrusive, overwhelming but also far too cute and huggable being.
Keiichi stared at her in horror.
"Just so I miss my ex-boyfriend a little bit less," Nyarlathotep confessed.
In the Dark.
Kintoki, Tesla, Edison, Livewire, Pikachu, Sailor Jupiter, Megavolt, Electro, Biribiri, Rayden and Lum all sat around a very large table, playing a cards tournament in a mostly dark room.
Then the light bulb hanging over them died down, plunging the whole room into absolute darkness.
"Oh, no!" a voice said. "What will we do now!?"
An Open Letter from your Friend, the Incredible Hulk.
Why Hulk always called the destructive one?
Hulk just wants you puny humans to leave Hulk alone! If Hulk could have his way, Hulk would live in the desert and not smash your puny human cities! What good for Hulk in cities anyway? Hulk no can use subway! Hulk no fit in taxis or bus! Hulk bored by movies and never buys shirts, so Hulk has no use for mall either!
Puny superheroes break puny humans' stuff more often than Hulk anyway!
Puny Superman always, always picking puny humans' cars and smashing them down, long before Hulk born! For real, he's doing that since 1938!
Puny Power Rangers always get into puny giant robots and wreck puny city, and no puny humans hunt them like they do to Hulk! And they're stupid, and their continuity makes Hulk's head hurt!
When puny Goku starts fighting, he and puny bubblegum man and giant grasshopper and gay alien white lizard blow Earth up! Ka-boom! They turn whole cities to dust! Hulk just topples puny buildings that were badly built anyway! But, anyone ever calls puny monkeys out? No! You only bother Hulk! That makes Hulk mad, and the madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets!
So next time you puny humans start thinking bitching about Hulk, think if you shouldn't be bitching on puny Superman and space monkeys and Power Rangers instead! Hulk okay with Powerpuff Girls, though. Bubbles is good friends with Hulk!
Not Yours Truly, Because Your Weak, Hulk.
Cash Cow.
"At least," Saber said, "I have a Saber Alter, a Saber Prototype, a Red Saber, a Saber of Red, a Saber Lily, a Saber Assassin, a Saber Assassin Alter, a Sakura Saber, a Saber Santa, a Master Saber, a Saber Lancer, a Saber Lancer Alter, a Saber Alter Meido, a Saber Lion, a Saber Foreigner, and that girl from El Melloi Case Files."
"At least," Arcueid said, "I have dignity."
Saber closed her mouth.
Multi Armed Sensei Negima!
"And, as for this..." Negi sheepishly held up his new tentacles, which were coming all out his body now, "This... This is a spell I learned without even knowing what it was. I was just looking through Library Island's sealed areas, hoping to find something to make me stronger, and... well, I found this spell, and I thought it'd grant me extra power, not extra-"
Asuna made a disgusted face. "Okay, I get it! Dispell them back now!"
Konoka, however, already was naked and pouncing on him. "Later, Asuna, LATER!"
Ramón 1/2.
"... and this is the sad result!" Genma sniffled exaggeratedly while still holding the bucket over his son's head. "Now, whenever Ranma gets wet, he's transformed into an illegal Latin American immigrant!"
Soun pondered that in a stunned silence for a moment, then pulled a single coin out of his pocket and threw it at Ranma. "Go paint the whole front of this house right now, boy!"
"¡S-Si, señor!"
Apocryphal Evangelion.
"Shinji," Ikari Gendou said dryly. "Yor appearance... it doesn't matter. All what matters now is, you must pilot the Evangelion unit and destroy the Angel. Otherwise, the fate of mankind will be completely lost. Decide quickly, boy. We have no room for useless people here."
The boy still doubted, but after a glance at the hot blue haired babe on the stretcher, and another at the even hotter woman who had brought him here, he felt a cocky grin coming to him. "Sure thing... let's do it!" he decided.
Hadn't he always dreamed of being a powerful mecha pilot, anyway? And if he pulled it off, and with a machine that rad he just had to, all those babes, including the blonde in the swimsuit and lab coat, would be all over him as thanks! Score!
"- something's wrong!" Maya cried out as the EVA was ejected towards the surface. "Suddenly, the Evangelion has started rejecting the Child! Compatibility has fallen under 12%!"
Ritsuko facepalmed. "I knew it! I bloody knew it, goddammit...!"
In another, smaller city, Ikari Shinji chuckled bitter and sadly. "What he did he do? Well, as soon as I showed him Katsuragi-san's picture he accepted, naturally. He should be okay, he knows me well enough as to last a few days at least, and what's the worst they'll do to him? It's not like Father really cares either way. I'll bet you he didn't even keep pictures of me around. I know Uncle never sent him any, so-"
"Damn, Ikari, that's so cold of you. Kind of stupid, too," the boy sitting before him said. "It doesn't matter if the bastard ignored you this long, he's just called you over through a smoking hot woman, and he's super rich to boot! Had that been me, I'd never send a classmate who looks like me just to spite him!"
"It's a matter of pride, that's all. If Father didn't care enough until now, why should I care enough as to go grovel to him as soon as he shows the first signs of regr-" Shinji began to reason, right before both of them suddenly exploded into reddish primal liquid.
The Life Aquatic.
"Ah!" Negi gasped, blocking a blow from Ku Fei in her shark costume. "The shark knows kenpo?!"
Then he spun around and ducked under a tentacle slash from Kaede in her octopus costume. "And, and the octopus knows ninjutsu?!"
Next he dodged the rapid stun gunfire from Mana in her seal costume. "And the seal is packing heavy weaponry?!"
That thought was interrupted when he had to parry the chain of kicks a grinning Chao in a giant crab costume was tossing at him from another angle. "The crab knows mixed Chinese martial arts?!"
Ayaka winced at she watched this from the seaside bushes, along a softly giggling Chizuru. "Your family isn't going to be happy when they learn how much you must have paid to get Tatsumiya-san wear that getup..."
"Oh, some things are just worth all of that and more," Chizuru fondly said.
"Ahhhhh! The oddly mechanic looking dolphin with antennae is shooting missiles at me!"
... and Don't Look Back.
Mizuhara Makoto, Hiraga Saito, Mochizuki Touya, Satou Kazuma, Sakamoto Takuma, Lord Momonga and Ichiro Suzuki all stared up at the just summoned, majestic God of the Magical World they'd been sent into.
Finally, the gigantic, imposing figure spoke his answer. "No, I will not help you."
"Eeeeehhh?!" Touya gasped. "But, why?!"
"Because you guys are just the worst," the God told them. "You were pulled away from your families, your worlds, your societies, with no explanation, and have you ever actually stopped to worry about those you left behind, to ponder how are they? No, you just enjoy your time here without giving a shit about Earth! Why should I help your kind of people, seriously?"
"Um, Momonga said, "I literally had no one back there I cared about or who cared about me..."
"Yes, and that's because you were the worst, just as you are now," the God summed up. "Next!"
"Everybody was mean to me, you can't blame me!" Kazuma complained as they were escorted out. "Come on, man, this is not fair...!"
"I'm under a spell, my Master can vouch for it!" Saitou protested. "Let's be reasonable, that's hardly my fault...!"
"Okay," the God ignored them, instead addressing the little blond girl who had just come to him. "What is your wish, Tanya Degurechaff?"
"You aren't Mysterious Being X, are you?" she curtly asked him.
"What? No, don't even mention that bastard in my presence, he took a whole line of shrines away from me and never bothered to repay me. Is that what you wanted to know?"
"No, no! I just want to go back to the life of firing salarymen I had back on Earth! I have been longing for that this whole time, nonstop...!"
"See, now you're being sincere about it. I think we can work something out. Just to be sure, however, please tell me the names of three loved ones you want to see again, back in your world?"
"Uhhhhh..."
He sighed. "Next...!"
The next in line, a large strongman, a beautiful actress, and a red haired teen girl, all riding on a tank, looked at each other in concern. "This won't end well either, will it?" Junpei predicted.
The Reason.
"Gawrsh, Mickey," Goofy said then, "I been meaning to ask this for a while, why didja name your dog after the Roman god of death and the underworld?"
Mickey's sole answer to that was a sudden, truly demonic grin.
Girl Power.
"Haruna-san's father..." Negi mused aloud.
A large image of Ranma-chan appeared winking above him.
"Nagase-san's mentor in the ways of the ninja...!" Negi rubbed his chin in thought.
A large image of Naruto-san in Sexy no Jutsu Mode appeared winking above him.
"That's it!" Negi said, slamming his fist into the palm of his other hand. "To become as strong a fighter as them... I must learn how to turn into a woman!"
"Wait, say what?!" Chamo cried.
It was no surprise to anyone that he developed such a technique very quickly. What surprised everyone, however, was how it made him look completely identical to Queen Arika.
That, and he never could master the sexy winking all that well.
Gollum Lantern.
The small boat with two even smaller creatures on it warily approached the dead body floating in the water. "What... What is it, Smeagol?" gulped the smaller and younger of the two, as his bolder companion reached over with an arm, slowly turning the body around. It was some manner of being he had never seen before, taller than a Dwarf or even a human, clad in some strange form fitting bright green outfit the likes of which were completely unknown to him as well.
This corpse was badly hurt and bruised, to such a degree its face was unrecognizable, but it had never been that of Hobbit, Dwarf, Elf or Man, that was for sure. None of that mattered now, however, as Smeagol only could think of the shiny, green object he was slipping off the body's inert finger.
"My birthday gift..."
Sinestro smiled down perfidly at his downed, pathetic foe. "A commendable effort, little savage," he said. "But ultimately as pointless as any other opposition this miserable world of yours could pose to me. Let us not make this farce any longer. Hand the ring over, and I swear your death will be swift and painless."
Seething under his heel, Smeagol narrowed his eyes and showed his bleeding teeth and gums off, staring viciously at him. With renewed vigor born from stubborn obstination, his willpower flared, and his hand was blanketed all over by the energy of the green, gripping on Sinestro's foot and brutally twisting it around. As the renegade Lantern shouted, he was punched up and across the jaw by a sudden release of emerald energy, and then another, and another, in a mad quick succession, crude constructs with barely any shape to them hammering him up the atmosphere as a hideous voice gurgled, from the streak following him up, "No! Nooo! Noooo! Never my Precious! I'll never hand over my Precioussssss!"
"We are sorry, but the Council stands against you on this matter," the other Guardians told a livid Ganthet. "It is true he features many a flaw of character and restrain, but we believe he can be channeled and shaped through power training into one of our best Lanterns. His willpower, after all, is second to none. You are overruled, brother."
They turned to the small creature still suspiciously glaring at them and protectively rubbing his ring, and told him, "Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern of 2889.."
And that was how Guy Gardner became just the second most annoying partner Hal, Kyle and John ever had to work with.
Dudes, She Was in Like a Coma!
Nine months after waking up, Snow White gave birth to seven tiny babies.
The Prince clenched a fist furiously. "Those damn fuckers...!"
Nine months after waking up, Aurora gave birth to a little Maleficent.
"This... This only raises further questions!" a confused Prince Phillip babbled.
Nine months after being rescued from the ruins of Ostia, Asuna gave birth to a tiny Averruncus.
Ayaka, somehow, beat Negi and Asuna herself to the finish line and managed to kill Fate herself.
Somehow.
Alien Vs. Predator.
The Xenomorph kept on sobbing uncontrollably. "They- You- No one ever warned me it'd be a sexual predator...!"
What If Disney Did Bible Black?
"Okay," Elsa said, pulling the open black robe on her naked body and then tugging the hood up over her head, "the Occult Club is in session now. Tonight, we will-"
"Eat a hamburger!" Webby peppily said, pumping a fist up. "Woo-ooo!"
Elsa paused. "... no. No, we aren't here to eat hamburgers, play paintball, or rescue your girlfriend from the Hell her aunt tossed her into tonight, Webby. Instead, we will be tackling the issue of Marco Diaz, who seems to have found the Bible Black of Mewni itself. With that book, our power would be absolute! And we could grow dicks!"
"Awww!" Webby's shoulders slumped down.
Anna blinked. "Sorry, Onee-chan, but why would you want to grow a dick?"
"Maybe it's just so you don't keep running after every Prince Charming, ice cube merchant, or Marvel Studios executive who crosses your path?" Rapunzel guessed.
"Oh, like I'm the only one here who's ever fallen in love at first sight with a guy who later turns out a motherfucker!" Anna growled.
Snow White, Ariel, Cinderella, Aurora, Pocahontas and Rapunzel herself all looked aside guiltily.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Megara grumbled at Elsa. "Then, how do you suggest us to take that magical artifact from that guy, President?"
The head of the coven smiled wickedly. "Why, isn't it obvious? We... will freeze him!"
And she began singing, "The snow glows white like fresh cum tonight. Not a footjob to be seen. A kingdom of depravation, and it looks like I'm the queen..."
Tiana facepalmed. "Oh please, not the fucking song again."
Elsa was starting to really get into it. "The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, hell knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be..."
"PRRRRRESIDENT!" Megara growled. "Enough with the song and the ice powers already! They were cool at first, but there's got to be a limit to everything! We should be fucking the guy to get what we want out of him, not freezing him solid!"
"Oh dear, she's absolutely right, we are a fiendish sexual club after all!" Snow White nodded quickly, her large eyes blinking adorably. "We aren't supposed to freeze people, but to drag them into bizarre grotesque sex with us!"
Elsa frowned. "But I like freezing people! What's the point of having devilish freezing powers if you can't freeze people with them?"
"You only freeze men, no, scratch that, you freeze every man who comes close to us!" Aurora tossed her hands up. "Look, it's okay if you're a lesbian-"
"I'm not!" Elsa gasped, scandalized.
"- and it's even fine if you're in denial in your transparent closet with your sister, but really, leave something for those of us who actually like some cock! I didn't escape sixteen years of a cabin in the woods with three desperate old bitches and an obsessed stalker burnt off on men because of my old man, only to have anyone cockblocking me again!" Aurora rambled on.
"You said it, sister!" Rapunzel said, chewing on her lower lip and rubbing her legs together rather forcefully.
Elsa stared at her fellow cultists, appalled, but when they all, Anna included, glared back at her with the attitude of a princess pushed too far, she only could sigh and relent. "Fine, you win, we will see what can we do about drawing this 'Marco Diaz' to our society. But after we get the Bible Black, I freeze him! You got that? Now let's go with the ritual for tonight. We are to sacrifice another Dalmatian for Lord Chernabog, how many are we left with...?" she hummed, munching on a pencil while checking on her Mickey Mouse agenda. "Shit, we're running out of them so soon?"
"It can't be helped, you sacrifice Dalmatians to Chernabog even more than you freeze men," Webby said.
"Well, call those two limp-dicks Horace and Jasper and tell them we need... oh, I don't know, 101 more, I suppose." Elsa shrugged. "Good thing they reboot that franchise so often, at least there's never a shortage of the little shits..."
Development.
"I have news for you," Nightingale stoically told Summer B.B. "Due to all that tanning you got in Hawaii, your Class has just changed to Moon Skin Cancer."
Makoto. (Co-Written with Darkenning)
"No. Don't do it," Mizuhara sternly advised.
"But- But he looks and acts just like my sempai!" Kino argued. "I'm sure he's just as noble and thoughtful!"
"Leaving aside the fact that sempai rejected you, no, Itou is an utter creep and tool, what are you thinking?" Rindou told her. "Cripes, girl, you can do way better than that!"
"But-!"
"You re one of the strong, and I'd hate for your potential to be squandered by a weak weasel," Shishio coldly hissed. "Listen to me, fool! I'm a would be tyrannical conqueror who took over Hell, and I think that imbecile is evil!"
"It'd sure have been nice if you guys had warned me against him like that in time..." observed Kikuchi, quietly rubbing her enlarged belly.
In the end, Kino began dating Tamura-kun instead. Soon enough, he had impregnated her.
Mizuhara shrugged at the news. "I warned her against him as well. That little bastard knocked up my little sister Hitomi too!"
"Dear," said his mother, who was also growing rather round in the stomach. "I have some wonderful news!"
"... why the hell haven't I permanently moved in with my city-destroying android?" he asked no one in particular.
Haruka.
"Isn't Tennou-sempai just lovable-?"Amami said lovingly, seeing him pass, the young man taking a moment to wink their collective way.
"He is, indeed-!" the Hoenn Po**mon trainer swooned as well.
Suzushiro blushed and looked aside, rasping. "H-He's just a shameless womenizer, that's all!"
"You mean 'womanizer'," Ozora corrected her.
"No, that'd be if he had his sights on a single woman," the long haired blonde told the beach volleyball player. "'Women' is plural, everyone knows that, sheesh!"
"Tennou-kun," Urashima-san solemnly declared then, "is a woman."
The others stared at her and, appalled, decided to put some distance between themselves and this madwoman.
Eventually the truth came out, but even then Komi didn't seem to care that much.
Fish Got Your Tongue?
"And what is this?" Ariel asked next, holding the used condom she had found floating along the beach.
Scuttle narrowed his eyes at it. "That is... a tongue warmer!" he said. "That's it, humans are always talking, so their tongues often get cold from exposure to the elements, and when they do, they put those around them to keep them warm! That's why they're called that way!"
"I see..." Ariel said, then carefully working to wrap the condom around her tongue, slipping it into it. She grimaced visibly. "Ith doethn'th thathe too gud, bleeeech..."
Much later, at some point of her wedding night, she would rise from the bed while coughing and choking, rush for the window much to Eric's surprise, and shake a fist up at the skies stretching over the coast and sea.
"Scuttle, you LIAR! That was not a tongue warmer!"
The Dark Testament.
"Three of a kind," one of the three men in clown masks inside of the car noted gruffly, looking up, at the line now connecting both sides of the street, and the men sliding across it and onto the bank building. "Let's do this."
"That's it? Three guys?" asked another clown, loading his automatic pistol.
"There's two on the roof," replied the first clown to speak, "and every guy is an extra share. Five shares is plenty."
"Six shares," grunted a third clown. "Don't forget the gaijin who planned the job."
"Yeah?" the first clown grunted. "If he thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice, then I get why they call him the Joker."
"Man, I miss when the Fujimuras were an actual thing."
"You worked for the Fujimuras?"
"Yep. You?"
"The Ichijou-gumi, but that useless heir they have will sink the family down. So I had to split, see..."
"Ah, whatever happened to our old Yakuza honor?" wondered the clown at the driving wheel, but before they could tell him to shut up, he asked, "Why do they call him the Joker anyway?"
"I heard he wears make-up."
"Make-up? Like Kabuki?"
"No. To scare people. War paint. That's the sign," the first clown pointed at the tiny light in a window's corner. "It's time."
As they cracked their guns, two beautiful young men in casual streetwear strolled together towards the bank's front entrance. "That professor, Yoshitani, who burned to death on that rooftop... his father had a deposit safe-box at the bank?"
The purple haired younger girl followed briefly wondered about the strangely expository way her superior had phrased that question, especially out in the open, but she figured it just was Imari-sempai's famous eccentricty at work. "That's right," she nodded. "His father, Yoshitani Souji, was an archaelogist. We've contacted his colleagues Fujimoto, Seta and Hasegawa, and they all pointed us in this direction. They also told us he's been missing for six months already..."
She then wondered if whatever Imari-sempai's odd expo-quirk was, she had been passed it through casual contact. Shouldn't they had briefed that out back in the headquarters, or in the car at worst, anyway?
"Anyway," the younger female rasped, "he told his family he was going to excavate a few ruins near Istambul, but we haven't even found any reports of any exploration party he might have gathered, or permissions from the government of Neo-Turkey, so-"
"Thanks, that's very useful," the brown haired woman nodded as they stopped right before the bank. "We shouldn't have any problems to-" she then gasped as she was pushed inside by three tall men in clown masks rushing into the building, and all six of them then stared aghast...
... at the sight of a large team of men in military fatigues, riot gear, and golden demon masks, heavily armed all, holding all the staff and customers inside at gunpoint, forcing the by now half-naked men and women to copulate with each other, in all the humbling positions and manners they could have arranged all across the lobby.
One of the clowns took his mask off, revealing a just as white head full of wild green hair which had been underneath it the whole time. "Oh, screw this, literally!" the Joker growled. "You Japs are all a bunch of sick perverted freaks! Criminals in this world used to believe in things! The craft of the crime! The delicacy of delinquency! What do you believe, huh? What do you believe?!"
And he walked out and away, stomping furiously.
"So... what's his problem, exactly?" Imari asked one of the clowns, right before one of the demon mask guys aimed a shotgun at her throat and forced her to walk all the way inside.
Law.
And then Shirou pointed at Gilgamesh with the sword. "There is no law that says a fake can't surpass the original!" he bravely shouted.
The King of Heroes paused. He blinked to himself for a couple of moments in contemplation, then reached into the Gate of Babylon and pulled a golden cellphone out.
"Hello? Hammurabi? Yes, I wanted to check... Did we ever get Law Number 8,681 edicted? No? Well, why the hell not, you miserable mongrel?! Ah-hah. Mm-hm. Very well. Fine. Goodbye then."
He flung the phone back and smirked arrogantly at Shirou. "Well, there is now!"
'X' Doesn't Mark the Spot.
"Behold!" Xenahort smiled, spreading his arms. "The members of my new Organization XIII!"
They stepped out of the shadows one by one, revealing their names.
"Xaddalin!"
"Traxnaz!"
"Lasex!"
"Xicchopnio!"
"Moxtin!"
"Baxpuum!"
"Braxossba!"
"Clixnop!"
"Xohri!"
"Mabyaxx, your reliable medical support unit of Darkness."
"Magrexa here, boy. Hey, old man, how much were you paying us, again?"
"Xienzh Doofxx- I mean, Hieznx Shimertx- I mean, oh, you know what, forget it! Just call me 'Doctor X' and let's be done with it!"
Sora, Donald and Goofy just stared on incredulously for a moment, before Donald looked back at Xenahort and said, "You know, it doesn't really work that well with us Disney characters."
Xenahort's shoulders drooped, and he sighed. "No, I guess they don't sound as dramatic anymore, do they? It seemed like a decent idea at first, though..."
Smart Move.
Despite everything, Gourry Gabriev was fairly (not incredibly, but at least somewhat kind of close to perhaps moderately) smarter than he looked to everyone else.
For instance, he'd never ask Lina about that 'Naga' person she'd always moan strangely about while sleeping around the campfires, as she snuck her hands down her trousers...
Four Souls.
"A thief! A thief!" the organizer was shouting now, running after a man who fled him while holding a large full bag. "Hey, you, stop that thief!"
Peter Parker briefly pondered just to let the guy get away, since after all the organizer had just scammed him, but then Uncle Ben's saying on power and responsibility gnawed on him, and with a sigh, he stepped onto the thief's way. "Hey there, pretty eyes! Where you going in such a hurry?"
"Out of my way, masked idiot!" the man shouted, just as Pete wondered what was that sudden buzzing in the back of his brain right now, and then the thief had a gun pressed right against his chest, and oh, had just that been some kind of warn-
BLAM.
Ben Parker looked out his car's window. Peter had called him and told him to wait for him there, that he had big news and a surprise for him, but... not only he wasn't coming out of the building just yet, but what was that commotion coming from the inside right now? As Parker pondered getting in and checking on it himself, a man ran out of the building, madly brandishing a gun around. "Hey, man!" he shouted. "Get outta the car! I'm serious, man, I'm in a real hurry! Don't try anything, see?!"
Ben blinked, taken aback. "Hey, hey, come on now, young man. Surely you-"
"Damn you, I warned you, didn't I?!"
BLAM, BLAM.
"- and so the two people I ever loved the most were dead all of a sudden! Of course I had a heart attack!" May Parker explained herself, while sitting slightly behind on the same cloud, Peter and Ben sighed together. She then smiled pleasantly at the newcomer. "But that's enough about us, dear. You must have your own story, and if sharing it makes you feel any better..."
Matt Murdock shrugged his shoulders. "Well, there was this crazed scientist with four metal arms rampaging through the city, and since the Fantastic Four and Avengers were all out of the city, I was the only one left to face him..."
Urusei Marionette J.
"Ataru, daisuk-!" Lime quickly lost her bright wide smile through the proccess of saying the sentence, then shook her head somberly. "No, sorry, I can't do it, it's asking for too much from me...!" she said in a hollow, disgusted voice, turning around on her large squeaking shoes and quickly leaving the recording stage in a disturbed huff.
The brown haired boy she had just casually slammed against a wall using only one hand blinked. "Maybe... I should have gotten a tan after all?"
Castlevania Epilogue.
Dracula had been vanquished once again, hopefully for the last time ever, and now, his castle sank with him once more. Standing on the next hill, whip firmly in hand, Belmont watched, under the new dawn, how the dreaded Castle of Shadows collapsed into the depths of the Transylvanian lands with a powerful last roar that almost sounded like the hoarse lamentations of the devil himself...
Then he saw several architects carrying plans and a well staffed team of construction workers marching past him, heading downhill towards the site of the disaster.
"Damn you guys!" Belmont yelled after them. "You at least could wait until I left!"
The American Way.
"Captain Ku Fei!" shouted the pompadoured Kaoru-sempai, once again heading the assembled young fighters on the grounds of Mahora Academy. "Today, we will prevail! Prepare yourself!"
The younger, dark skinned blonde smiled, adopting a Crane Kung Fu position. "You so think? Then come on-aru! Prove yourselfes, and I admit you as rivals of worth at last!"
"Aaaaahhhhh!" the boxers, judo-kas, kendo-kas, and other assorted martial artists roared, charging from all directions at the 2-A student... and then were easily sent flying away, everywhere, by a precise series of kicks from her, once more. Soom they were all incapacitated, splayed across the boulevard and wincing at the pain of their bruises. "This... This can't be! Nobody can be th-that invincible...!"
Then a blond boy Ku Fei didn't recognize stepped ahead from the crowd. "Ah!" someone said. "It's Tyler!"
"The new exchange student? The American?"
"Yeah, that's him! He wants to challenge Captain Ku? No way...!"
Ku Fei looked at the boy, who indeed was not physically remarkable, a bit pudgy and sporting thick glasses. "Boy, you here to challenge me?"
"I think... I guess?" he said. "One of the boys here dared me, and..."
Ku smirked. "Then I go easy on you. Show me, how you fight in American country, aru!"
"Okay," Tyler said, quickly pulling a handgun out and shooting her through the head.
The other students all stared on in sheer undiluted horror and disbelief.
"... What?!" Tyler said. "Come on, guys, that's how we settle things in American schools...!"
The Worst of Us All.
"It's the Bat!" Scarecrow screamed as the window exploded from the outside, forcing every villain in the gathering to pull back and shield themselves from flying shards as best as they could. All but Joker, naturally, who just stood there drawing out without a care in the world, and somehow not getting hit by any sharp piece of glass in any vital spot.
"Batman! Darling, now the party's really complete! Ah ha ha ha- hah?"
The Bat had landed on his feet, grim and solemnly, before the assembled freaks of Gotham in the large abandoned warehouse, casting his long, sinister shadow over them. By his side stood a confidently smiling young man in bright red, yellow and green, small fists on his hips. "Correction!" he said, with a voice that hadn't even broken yet. "Now it's Batman... and Robin, the Boy Wonder!"
The freaks simply shared bewildered, shocked glances over this strange new sight.
"Yes, there is now another avenger of the night out to terrorize your kind," Batman growled at them. "You may boast about your numbers, but you hardly are the only ones growing into a legion. The good people of Gotham will also stand up and-"
"You. Are. The. Worst," Joker hissed icily.
Batman blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, for Pete's sake!" Joker threw his arms open. "At least we don't drag goddamn children into this! And no, Baby-Doll doesn't count, she's thirty-eight, and you know it!" he hastily added as soon as it looked Batman was about to object.
"Thirty two, actually!" Baby-Doll badly lied.
"Yeah, geez, Batman, how couldja?" Killer Croc growled. "Is this another try to get one over Superman? You've gotta stop obsessin' over that, man. So yeah, he pulled a girl into his gig, but at least she isn't like twelve, and at least she can tank fucking missiles..."
"For real," Bane shook his head in disapproval. "Looks like this kid's gonna break if I touch him with a finger! What, what were you thinking, seriously?! Is this your son?"
"My- noooo!" Batman gasped.
"... that only makes it even creepier then," Harley Quinn opined. "You into putting others' kids into panties and elf boots now?"
"Actually, it'd be much creepier if he was his son, assuming he isn't lying to us-" Poison Ivy began.
"I'm not!" Batman protested.
"- but it's still the most messed up thing I've ever seen either way," Poison Ivy finished. "As much as I hate to say it, Joker's right this time, you're just the worst, Batman."
Batman looked throughly heartbroken and shaken, then looked at Two-Face. "At least you'll give me a 50/50 chance, won't you? Won't you flip to hear my version and-"
"No, half of me just is against your depravity on general principle, and the other half will just take any chance to rag on you anyway," Dent explained. "There's no need to flip the coin this time."
".. you hang out with a pedo, though..." Batman said with a tiny voice, sheepishly pointing at Mad Hatter.
"Those are slanders and fabrications!" Tetch cried out. "Dave Mc Kean's art was too mishapen, there's no way that would've been me!"
The villains stared sternly at Batman, then bluntly showed him the door. Downcast, he dragged his feet out, muttering to himself and ocassionally stifling a sob.
Robin blinked at the menagerie. "So... what are you going to do to me now?"
Joker sighed and tossed him a few coins. "Go and call yourself a cab before I grab a crowbar and smash your skull to pieces, twerp. And then we'll forever pretend nothing of this ever happened..."
"And that's why I'm still working in a circus while pushing seventy and when nobody gives a shit about circuses anymore!" Dick Grayson shook a fist at the punk kids bothering him after the performance. "Now beat it or else, you hear me?!"
One Froppy Evening.
"Oh, how cuuuute!" Tsuyu said, opening the box she'd just found and finding a small green frog inside. "A new pet...!"
And then, after turning bland, bored eyes up to her, the frog energetically leaped out of the box and onto her table, pulling a small cane and top hat out of.. somewhere... and starting to dance and sing grandiously.
"Hello, mah baby, hello mah honey,
Hello mah ragtime gal,
Send me a kiss by wire,
Baby, my heart's on fire!
If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me
And you'll be left alone
Oh baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your owwwwwwwwwwn!"
Tsuyu's eyes lit up considerably. "You're a singing frog...! What an amazing Quirk for a froggie, wait until everyone finds out...!"
"... have you gone fucking insane?" Bakugou curtly asked.
"Ah! But I swear he was singing moments ago!"
"... ribbit," the frog said.
Hagakure frowned slightly, now somewhat concerned. "... oh, okay... Um, I'm sure he'll sing as soon as he's ready and all, but for now, why don't we forget about..."
"But no, I'm telling you he did it! For real! More than once already! Maybe he's just shy before others..."
"Croak!" the frog said.
Izuku blinked, then scratched his head, unsure of what to say. "Okay, so... umm... maybe, maybe there was someone singing nearby, and then you just happened to-"
Tsuyu sighed and picked the frog back up. "Sorry I wasted your time, Midoriya-kun..."
"The time was in June,
The bees humm'd a tune
The perfume of rose fill'd the air,
When just o'er the way,
Sat a baby one day,
All alone and so one one seem'd to care,
But one passer by,
Turn'd and look'd with a sigh,
At the tears and the eyes swollen red,
Then close to her breast,
The young darling she press'd,
And tenderly to her she said-"
Sitting miserably by the lonely road with the frog singing by her side, Tsuzu exhaled another heavy sigh. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong with you..."
Then a voice coming from seemingly nowhere spoke up, and the frog froze in place, paling instantly. "Wrong? What could you have done wrong, you just taught a frog how to sign! And he's awesome at it, too!"
"Ah! Toru-chan!" Tsuzu happily said. "You were there?"
"Yes, always."
Somewhere else, Tsunetsuki Matoi sneezed.
The frog facepalmed, dropped down to his knees, and then fell on his webbed hands and knees. ".. I'm busted! Found out! It's over, how could this possibly happen to me...!"
"Isn't this," Invisible Girl asked as he broke into uncontrollable sobbing, "the point in the Looney Tune where he pulls a gun out and shoots himself?"
You Got That Wrong!
Rider laughed arrogantly, striking a confident pose. "Remember my name by the death from my passing! Temeroso el Draque! I am the woman who set the sun! You rascals, it's time! The king of storms, a swarm of ghosts, this is the beginning of the Wild Hunt!"
And Archer blinked. "Temeroso el Draque?"
"Indeed!" she smiled, shaking some pink hair off her face. "That means Fearsome Drake, you foolish weakling! You-"
"Um, no," the Nameless Hero said. "In Spanish, the word for Fearsome is Temible. Temeroso means 'cowardly' or 'scaredy'..."
Rider stopped laughing. "... what. No, you're lying!"
"I'm not," Archer firmly said. "Wait, all this time, you've been calling yourself that? You're a pirate, didn't you ever have any Spanish speaking sailors to set you straight on the subject?"
"Um, actually, the Spaniards were the enemy, and I didn't confraternize with- Masterrrrrrr!" she called back to Shinji. "He's got it wrong, doesn't he?! Temeroso is 'Fearsome', isn't it...?!"
Shinji gulped. "Ah, well, you'll see, the truth is-"
Rider tugged down on her hat until it covered most of her face, and Hakuno couldn't help but feeling a bit bad for her. "You're the worst, you knew it the whole time and you never said anything...! No wonder all Servants laughed at me...!"
"W-Well, but we still blew them up afterwards, so who laughed last, huh? Huh?!"
"You did, of course! You were laughing at me behind my back all those times, weren't you?!"
"What-What does that matter at all now?!" Shinji demanded. "Just blow them up already, too!"
By now, however, Archer had finally finished chanting Unlimited Blade Works and unleashed it on her, utterly destroying her.
Hakuno turned back to the camera. "And that is why you shouldn't ever give yourself names from the language of your enemies that you refuse to learn properly. Otherwise you will die killed by a field of blades."
Wise words we all should live by.
Ranma Episodes, Rewritten for the Modern Times!
"We must retrieve that bracelet from Happosai!" Cologne slammed her cane against the floor. "The Love Pills it contains-"
"Were an ancient heritage of your Amazon tribe, right...?" a bored Ranma commented.
"No, they are products of the MK Ultra program from an American colonel I once dated."
"... oh."
Evangelion Episodes, Rewritten for the Modern Times!
"C-Commander Ikari?" Touji blinked at the man who had just walked into his hospital room. "What are you doing here...?"
"Wishing you for a speedy recovery, Suzuhara," Gendo told him. "After all, the sooner you have recovered, the sooner you can pilot again..."
"Piloting again?! What the fuck, man?! You've left me a cripple in this damn bed! How can I ever pilot again?!"
"Suzuhara!" a scandalized Gendo gasped. "I can't believe you would be so politically incorrect! You are not a cripple, don't you know that word can't be used anymore!?"
Touji blinked. "Uh, well, I'm disabled, then?"
"No! Disabilities don't exist anymore, either! They are offensive concepts for perfectly able people like you who just happen to be... special in your own wonderful way!"
"Special?! Man, I can't even fucking walk anymore! If I'm not a cripple and I'm not disabled either, then what does that make me? WHAT?!"
"A pilot?"
"AAAAARRRGHHHH!"
The intense End of Evangelion scene where Touji defeated the Mass Production EVAs by beating them with Unit 03's wheelchair has since become an acclaimed classic of the genre.
Project A-Ko Episodes, Rewritten for the Modern Times!
"DAMN YOU, B-KO!" A-Ko shook a fist at the movie theater. "Are you happy now, then?! Happy at last, bitch?!"
B-Ko poked her head out, staring flatly at her. "Cry as much as you want, that won't change the fact my dad's box office can beat yours'."
Kobayashi-san's Dragon Maid Episodes, Rewritten for the Modern Times!
"G-Goodbye, Lucoa...!" Tohru tearfully waved as the Dragon Immigration Police shoved her handcuffed friend into the wagon along ten other Mexican dragons. "I won't ever forget you...!"
Shouta blandly pumped a fist up. "Make Japan great again."
"... was a rewrite for the modern times really necessary?" Kobayashi quietly commented while watching on. "Wasn't our anime from just last year anyway...?"
Movies.
"Master, Master!" the Servants asked. "Let's play the movies game!"
Fujimaru Ritsuka laughed good naturedly. "The movies game? Which movies, anyway?"
"Enter the Dragon," Lancer Bathory said.
"The French Connection!" Rider Astolfo said.
"Puss in Boots," Rider Drake smiled, clicking her heels together.
"The Spy who Shagged Me?" Assassin Mata Hari smiled.
"How to Train your Dragon!" Kiyohime said.
"Chariots of Fire!" Rider Medb said.
"Sister Act," Alter Ego Kiara said.
"Child's Play..." Archer Kuro purred.
"The Italian Job," Saber Nero said.
"You, Me, and Everyone we Know," Saber Fergus said.
Ritsuka blinked, starting to feel nervous for some reason.
"You're saying they did WHAT to Sempai?!" Mashu gasped in horror.
Da Vinci shrugged. "Basically, Some Like It Hot, so he got Tangled in A Series of Unfortunate Events. With The Usual Suspects, of course, and-"
"And-?!"
"A Few Good Men."
"What?!"
"Don't worry, they used Grease."
"W-Where?!"
"Where the Eagles Dare."
"Circe-san, too?!"
"It was a Clash of the Titans, after all."
"Inglorious Bastards!"
"While You Were Sleeping," Da Vinci nodded.
Mashu raised her shield and howled furiously, "Apocalypse Now!"
"... This is the End," Da Vinci concluded quietly, and she was right.
The Aristocats: Epilogue.
"Madame Adelaide Bonfamille," the Inspector said as he placed the cuffs on her. "You are under arrest for the murder of your butler Edgar, found suffocated in a trunk being shipped over to Timbuktu..."
"Th-There must be a terrible mistake!" the gray, elegant lady gasped in growing disbelief and despair. "Why, I never would-! S'il vous plait, Inspector Clouseau...!"
To be Continued. We hope.