****These characters are not mine. They belong to lovely miss Cassandra Clare. Only this crazy, twisted plot is my demon spawn. Mwahahahahaha. Thanks for reading!******

~Remember…this shit is rated M for a reason~

A/N: Sorry again for the delay in posting. I've had some things going on that have made writing a bit difficult recently. Not an excuse, just truth. Now to move on from that heavy Climon for awhile. You do have to admit though…my Simon is a pretty great guy even if you aren't a Climon fan. Anyway, don't forget to review!

Also the playlist on Spotify for this series has been updated. Just search for reppinda5o3 Send My Love/Hello/Water Under The Bridge Fanfics or here is the version of the link the FFN will actually let me post! h-t-t-p-s : / / open dot spotify dot com/user/1235861650/playlist/11pzLPQKBJ6BiTw8zkcWXM?si=Luh-d3jpQymFNhWygsx5xA

Don't forget to remove the dashes in the h-t-t-p-s part, take out the extra spaces and change the dots to periods!

Story Song:

*Adele - Hello*

Chapter Songs:

*John Legend - This Time*

*Dua Lipa - IDGAF*

*Ludacris - Slap*

*blink-182 - Home Is Such A Lonely Place Without You*

*Paramore - Tell Me How*

2 Months Later

"Alec, you have to give me her number, please."

After the last time he spoke with his brother, he had descended into a pit of despair…so deep and wide that the only thing he could bring himself to do was work around the clock. Before Alec finally persuaded him to get help two months later, he hadn't slept more than a couple hours at a time since a little over a week prior. The last time he'd eaten something was a granola bar he'd found in his desk maybe 3 days before. He was working everyday hungover…well intoxicated really because he never actually stopped drinking. He was pretty much living at his office and holed himself up leaving the responsibilities to Bat; everything except the paperwork.

It had taken Jace those months of speaking to a shrink to get to this point. At first his psychiatrist was concerned about his apparent obsession with a woman that had been out of his life for such a long time but when he explained the circumstances and what his intentions were, she understood his reasons for seeking help, however, made it very clear that he needed to make sure he was working on himself for himself and not just to try and get Clary back.

So far he'd made decent progress. He was still drinking but not all day, everyday and seriously…one step at a time. He'd gotten to a place where he accepted that he wasn't his father. He wasn't going to hurt everyone he loved and his unwillingness to settle down was just a pathetic attempt to disguise his fear. He knew that a big part of it was insecurity and that was something he was dealing with; of course he'd bring it up with Clary when the time came. He also understood that only realizing what you wanted when you were in danger of losing it was wrong. That was how their relationship had started and he didn't want it to be the cause of his actions now even though he realized how much it seemed that way. He didn't want to wreak havoc on her life for no reason. That shouldn't be the reason for him to decide how much Clary meant to him.

With help from Dr. Loss, he was able to see the differences. This time he was ready. He knew what he'd given up the moment he let her go but he still let someone else play on his fears, another problem he understood and vowed to never let happen again. He wanted Clary to know all of these things. He wanted her to know that he wasn't the same person. Even though he was 22 years old before and technically a man, he'd still been a boy. He was a grown now and he knew what he wanted. He wanted her to give him another chance.

She was the love of his life and the more he dealt with his own issues and also talked about her in therapy, the more he realized that was the case regardless of how much time had passed. Even if she wanted nothing to do with him, he owed her an explanation, no matter how ridiculous his reasoning at the time sounded. He knew that he would do whatever it took though, to get her back, if only she'd give him the opportunity.

"Jace, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here," Alec sighed, exasperated.

"I need to tell her what happened. She needs to know the truth. Hopefully, she doesn't hate me after but it needs to be out there so she can decide what to do with it."

"If you're hoping she's going to put her whole life on hold just to run back to you…I don't know what to tell you. She tells us she's happy. It might make zero difference to her and I need you to be prepared for that."

He would never be prepared for that but knew it was a possibility. He wanted her happy but he really wanted her happy with him. Jace would just have to fight and even though he'd never done it for a relationship, if anyone was worth it, it was Clary. He was so fucking stupid to ever push her away.

"Alec, just…I have to try…and I know this goes against what you believe but I am your brother. I know I fucked up. You know I've been getting help. All I'm trying to do is make it right. I want her back. I want to be the one to make her happy. If I can't do that, then I guess I'll have to live with it but I'll never be able to live the rest of my life knowing that I didn't at least give it my all," he pleaded into the phone.

Alec thought about it for a moment. He really didn't want to be in the middle of this mess but there wasn't much choice in the matter. Clary was like a sister to him. She was the Godmother to his daughter and she was one of the most important people in his life. On the other hand, Jace was his brother, one of the other most important people in his life and he deserved the chance to at least make amends. Clary also deserved to learn the real story from Jace's own mouth. So he caved because he figured it would do more good than harm. Although, he figured he'd be getting an earful from Clary later about giving her number out without her consent.

"Alright, Jace. Don't do anything stupid," he said before reciting the number he knew by heart.

—

Clary was sitting at her computer, writing up a report for the most recent investigation she'd closed when she heard her phone ring. She picked it up to look at it and noticed it was him, again. He'd been calling her for days and he was fucking relentless.

She'd spoken to Alec and known that her number had been given out; something that she was none too happy about and wasn't shy about letting him know. He was severely scolded by Mags as well and she was pretty sure Alec wouldn't be getting laid any time soon judging by the cold shoulder he was on the receiving end of. She kinda felt bad but she wasn't feeling very warm toward him at that moment either.

Alec wouldn't tell her what he wanted her number for so she was completely in the dark and she didn't like that at all. He'd been driving her crazy and she was starting to feel like the calls would never stop. She thought she made a clean break when she said goodbye to him at his parents' but she guessed he didn't agree with that assessment. Why couldn't he take the hint? The number of drunken voicemails he'd left her was ridiculous. She'd stopped listening after the 3rd one because they were mostly drabble and rambling.

Clary pressed decline on her phone for what felt like the 50th time and continued writing, hoping to finish before 9 so she could take advantage of the Friday night and head to Stitches, the club that she frequented, to meet up with Cam and Maureen, another one of the ME's she worked with on a regular basis.

The phone rang again, just as she typed up the last sentence. She looked at it until the third ring, deciding whether she wanted to answer. She couldn't imagine what they had left to say to each other but she answered the phone and put it up to her ear anyway, more out of annoyance than anything.

"How can I help you, Jace?" she said, curtly.

"You actually picked up. I've called so many times and you finally answered. Have you been getting my voicemails?" Clary could tell that Jace was pretty intoxicated but she indulged him so hopefully he would get to the point.

"Yes. I listened to the first few but honestly, Jace, I had no idea what you were trying to say. Given the way you sound now, I can't imagine this conversation is going to go much better but hey, let's give it a shot. Why are you calling me? We hadn't talked in over 8 years and then I saw you at your parents, you looked happy, I said goodbye. I thought we were good. Why the drunken phone calls?"

"Because you are the love of my life and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I miss you more than you can ever know. I didn't che-"

"Really, Jace? You've got to be kidding me. What about Aline? Or has her usefulness expired too?

"Aline and I are done. I couldn't love her the way she needed me to."

"Hmmm, sounds familiar. Maybe we should form a support group," she said, rolling her eyes. Clary was quiet for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. "Jace, If you loved me so much, you shouldn't have treated our relationship like it didn't matter to you. You shouldn't have cheated."

"But I didn't cheat on you. That's what I'm trying to say. I didn't have sex with that girl. I paid her to take off her top and sit on top of me so KK or Mags would find me like that." He sighed into the phone. "I needed out. I went to tell Sebastian about our engagement and he said some things that made a lot of sense at the time. It got me thinking about things, including how my dad treated my mom and I didn't want to end up doing that to you so I did what I needed to do to get out. I let you go before I could hurt you, the only way I knew you would leave me…And you hadn't even told me you loved me so-"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Clary yelled into the phone, causing Jace to quickly pull it away from his ear and accidentally drop it, hanging up the call. Clary had a moment to calm down before her phone rang again. She told herself that she wouldn't yell this time but did he seriously just blame his lying and lack of self-confidence and lying bullshit that caused their breakup on her? That wasn't going to fly. She answered and made sure he was going to hear what she needed to say.

"Listen to me, Mr. Herondale. I'm glad you're still capable of operating a phone but how dare you blame your lies and insecurities on me. I was there for you and you didn't talk to me. We were friends first, always. I knew about your parents almost since we met. All you had to do was tell me how you were feeling but you made the choice not to so that's on you. You know what, you were the one who wanted to move our relationship forward in the first place. You weren't happy with just fucking me. You had to make me yours and then you decided to make ask me to be yours permanently. I even asked you if getting engaged was really what you wanted and you said yes. I fucking gave you an out. And for the record, you did hurt me, more than I can put into words."

"I know and I should've tho-"

"Shut the fuck up, Jace. I'm not done talking." She breathed deeply, still trying to soothe herself. "Next thing…you're an idiot. You don't agree to marry someone if you don't love them. Just because I have issues with saying the words doesn't mean I don't feel them. You're the one who did that. I didn't want to fall in love with you but you took away that choice and made it impossible not to," she said while holding back tears. Clary sucked it up. "Goddamnit, Jace. Why the fuck did you have to bring all this shit back up? I was fine. Everything was good. And if this is your idea of an apology, fuck you because this is far from qualifying."

"Clary, I really am sorry. I loved you so much, I still love you but back then I didn't realize what I was giving up. I took what we had for granted and I made a mistake. People make mistakes."

"Yeah, well, too bad this mistake took you over 9 years to figure out and cost you more than you were willing to lose, apparently."

"Please, Clary. I need you in my life. If there's anything I can do. Just have coffee with me. I'll even come out to you in New York. I want yo-"

"Let me just save both of us some time. I'll recap. You say you're sorry but you call me, out of the blue and the first thing you do when you finally get me on the phone is to act like I somehow brought what happened between us on myself after kindly explaining that you didn't cheat on me, you only paid some girl to sit on top of you, without a shirt on to get away from me. All of this because of some comment Sebastian made that triggered some fear you have about becoming your father? Oh, let's not forget the fact that you thought I agreed to marry you without actually loving you. Yet another slap in the face. And what exactly were you expecting to get out of this confession, Jace? Because that little summary of the last 7 minutes or so of conversation isn't really endearing you to me."

"Clary, I want you. I need you with me. There's a lot I need to explain and if you would just le-"

"No, Jace, it's too late for that. You were so deceitful and even if I believed you and could forgive you for that, how do I learn to trust you again? No. Where you go, tears follow and I've cried enough of those to last a lifetime. I moved on…I should thank you though. I didn't know how much I depended on you for happiness when we were together. Now I know how to make myself happy. Goodnight, Jace. Take care of yourself."

Clary ended the call and started to have a panic attack. She knew that she needed to cry but was but couldn't bring herself to let the tears fall. She didn't understand why he had to do this to her. Yes, she appreciated learning the so called 'truth' but it just opened a box that she'd kept hidden away and didn't ever plan on opening again. When she was initially in therapy and had been looking for a reason to forgive him, she'd done it because she thought he'd been honest with her about cheating and even though it hurt, it was better for her not to hold on to that hate. But now, finding out that whole thing was a lie? It took her back to that first year after starting med school and how much she hated him for not being there for her when she needed him most. When they needed him most.

She needed alcohol and bad. She thanked whatever higher power made the week fly by so fast and allowed it to be Friday night because she was about to get fucked up and dance the night away. Despite that horrible phone call, she had a newfound excitement for getting out to see her friends and reminding herself how great her life currently was.

Clary headed to the bathroom to go shower before hitting the club. After she was all shampooed and shaved, with dark smokey eyes and hair curled, she put on a strapless, knee length, black leather dress with a pair of Saint Laurent lace up platform sandals.

She grabbed a clutch, making sure it had everything she'd need and called Cam to let her know she was on the way. The girls were already slightly tipsy since they'd been there for almost an hour. Clary decided she'd better hurry if she didn't want to miss all the fun. Putting the phone call with Jace out of her head, she called a cab and was stepping out in front of the club before she even realized. She walked up to the door, completely ignoring the long line and was let in by the doorman and bouncer, Ian, whom the girls had a good relationship with. She kissed him on the cheek, asking after his wife before heading straight for the bar to grab a drink.

It was crowded, like a usual Friday night. She was able to grab Leo, the bartender's attention fairly quickly. They'd also become friends after finding out Leo's boyfriend, James, was an ME in the next county over and he and Clary had worked a few cases together.

After getting her whiskey and coke, she put a five dollar tip in his glass and walked off to find the girls. She found them at a table near the edge of the dance floor and pulled up a chair to sit down.

It wasn't long before all 3 of them were drunk. Clary persuaded the other two women to join her on the dance floor so they merged with the other gyrating bodies and began to move their hips in a similar fashion.

Clary wanted to forget all about Jace. He had broken her heart. She had managed to forgive him and he still had to stir up all their shit from years earlier even though she'd laid it to rest a long time ago. Why couldn't he just let it go?

As Clary moved her body to the music, she tried to put Jace out of her mind but the alcohol made her dwell. As far as she was concerned, he was cut off. He couldn't call her, telling her how much he missed her. She wasn't born yesterday and she wasn't going to fall for his nonsense. She'd put in enough time and tears and she'd even lost a part of herself, something that it was hard enough to move on from in the first place. Their chance had ended a long time ago. She didn't want to move backward and that was something he would have to live with just like she had been.

She had to get out of her own head. She grabbed the first attractive guy she could find and started to grind on him, hoping it would distract her from the anger bubbling inside her. She was having a great time and so were Cam and Maureen. When they got sick of dancing with the guys, they danced together, taking drink breaks to keep their buzz going. Clary was distracted enough to succeed in keeping Jace and his bullshit off of her mind for the rest of the night.

—

Jace pulled the phone away from his ear, unable to believe how horribly the first real conversation he'd had with Clary in years had gone. He knew everything was his fault. He shouldn't have transferred any of the blame to her. He would've been stupid to not know how she felt about him. She may not have said it but she showed him in so many ways. He had to admit though, he had once again, let his doubts cost him. He should've called her sober. Obviously, he couldn't be trusted not to put his foot in his mouth. Fuck, he'd been so stupid to let her go. If only there was a way to turn back time.

He decided he needed to get out of his house. Sitting at home, drinking by himself wasn't healthy; it was one thing they'd gone over in therapy. He wasn't really supposed to drink alone at all, whether at home or not but he figured as long as he was in public, he was sort of following the rules.

He called a cab and ended up at a nice tavern about 10 minutes away from his house. The first thing he did was take a seat at the bar and order a shot of whiskey. The bartender poured him one and he immediately downed it. He felt a vibration in his pocket and pulled out his phone to see a text from Bash.

'Hey! Now that you and Aline are over, you wanna go out and see about finding some new ass?'

Fuck, all that guy thought about was who he could slip his dick into next. He ignored the message and ordered another drink. That one shot turned into four which turned into eight and before he knew it, he was being refused anymore alcohol.

As he'd sat there, taking shot after shot, Clary's words echoed in his head. He went over his interactions with Sebastian over the years. Sebastian had made it clear on multiple occasions that Jace didn't want to end up like his dad. Explained that it wasn't natural for a man to end up with just one woman. Had discouraged him so many times from calling Clary and confessing everything. His sorrow turned into fury. It wasn't directed at Clary though or even at himself, even though rationally, he knew he was the one who made the decisions that ended his relationship. But alcohol doesn't make you rational and at that moment, he knew exactly who deserved to feel his wrath; who had ruined the last 9 years of his life.

Jace stumbled outside and managed to flag down another cab and mumble out the directions for where he wanted to go. He pulled up in front of the familiar house and staggered to the door, knocking harder than necessary. When the door was answered, it was by a shirtless Sebastian.

"Jace, man, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to go out since you didn't text me back. I got this nice piece of ass coming ov-"

He hit Sebastian before he could even finish his sentence. He wiped the blood from his lip and looked up at Jace.

"What the fuck was that for, asshole?" Jace swung and hit him again, even harder. The crunch of Bash's nose was audible.

"That was for fucking my life up." He punctuated that with another hit to the face. "For persuading me to throw away the only woman I ever loved." And another hit. "I listened to you because as my best friend, I thought you knew me, maybe even better than I knew myself. I thought you had my best interest at heart when you warned me off of marrying Clary. But I've finally realized that the only person you were ever out for was you. You were alone so you wanted me to be too. The only thing that mattered to you was having a wingman. Some friend you turned out to be. Fuck you Sebastian," he said, drunkenly.

No more words came out of Sebastian's mouth because the last time Jace had swung his fist back, he'd hit him so hard, he'd knocked his best friend of over 12 years completely unconscious, right on his own front porch. He was completely blinded by hurt and rage. Behind the haze, he knew that he couldn't completely blame the man who had been his confidante for almost all of his adult life but at the moment it felt good for someone else to suffer, especially someone else who had a part in the misery that Jace was currently wallowing in.

When he came back to himself and realized what he'd done, all of his anger suddenly drained away and he had no idea what to do. He wasn't sure how badly he'd hurt him. Jace wasn't even the kind of person who was prone to violence and in his intoxicated state, he couldn't think about anything but what Clary would think if she found out he'd beaten someone to death, however irrational that being his first thought was. Jace dropped down on the porch, holding his head in his hands and began to sob.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck."

He really was at a loss. It was a miracle that no one had seen him and called the police already. He did the only thing he could think of and called someone he knew wouldn't judge him but would be responsible enough to handle the situation.

A car pulled up a little more than 15 minutes later and Izzy ran up to the door. Her eyes widened as she took in Jace's hands covered in blood and Sebastian passed out in the entryway of his home. The first thing she did was check his pulse to make sure he was still alive. He was of course still breathing so she went in and got some water and threw it on him, attempting to wake him up. It worked; it took Sebastian a little while to come to but he was still out of it.

She helped him into the house and got him settled in his bed. She called the nurse's line and explained what happened. They told her that it didn't sound like he had a concussion but recommended someone stay with him overnight to make sure that he didn't start developing symptoms. Izzy grabbed Sebastian's keys, making plans to come back after getting Jace home.

Before she could get Jace and leave, Sebastian's date for the night showed up, shocked to see two other people at his house when she was expecting it to be just the two of them. Especially, when she walked into Sebastian's room and a hot, raven-haired, model type was leaning over him. Izzy explained what Sebastian needed without going into detail about what exactly had happened. After all, she didn't know the woman who had introduced herself as Joi with an "I". Izzy offered to come back and stay with him overnight if she wanted to go home but Joi said she would stay and make sure he was alright for the night. Izzy handed over the notes she had taken from the phone call with the nurse, set Bash's keys back on the counter and walked outside.

She pulled a bloody and tear soaked Jace from the front steps, nearly dragging him to her car in his almost catatonic state. It was about a half hour before she had him undressed and in bed for the night. Izzy was just about to leave his room when Jace finally spoke.

"What am I going to do Iz? I called her and told her everything. She won't talk to me. She won't give me a chance. I love her. I've always loved her. I know I fucked up. That's all I am is a huge fuck up but I want to be better…for her, always for her."

Izzy knew she had to be really gentle. She had spoken with Clary and knew about her and Simon. The news of his proposal hadn't come as much of a shock. Regardless of the fact that Clary hadn't said yes, she hadn't said no either and from the last conversation she'd had with Mags, it sounded like Clary was on the path to a yes. Considering how emotional Jace had been recently, Izzy felt like Jace needed to know before getting himself any more invested. She wasn't sure if now was the right time to tell him but she also didn't want to give him false hope. She sighed before laying the news on him.

"Jace, I think you should focus on yourself and forget about Clary. I know you love her and I'm sure a small part of her will always love you too but..." Izzy bit her lip, not knowing how to continue without hurting him.

"But what, Iz?"

"Jace, Simon asked Clary to marry him a couple months ago. She has-"

"Get out"

"But Jace, she has-"

"I said get the fuck OUT!" Jace yelled at her.

Jace went completely quiet, almost as if he'd stopped breathing. It was suffocating and filled the space with tension. After realizing she wasn't going to get him to listen to her anymore that night, she took her leave. She understood he was drunk and upset so she didn't take it personally, especially after the night he'd already had.

She decided to stay in his guest room because she didn't trust that he'd be okay without someone to watch over him. She grabbed a spare set of her pajamas that were kept in his linen closet before walking down the hall and settling in for the night herself. She could just make out the sobs echoing through the house and felt completely gutted.

They needed to have a long talk come morning but for the time being, she made her way back to Jace's room and crawled in behind him. Izzy put her arms around him, holding him close. He tried to throw her off but he couldn't stop his tears so she just held on as tight as she could, not letting him go. As much as he didn't want anyone to see him at his weakest, he needed someone to be there for him and Izzy would be that person for him, even if he only let her for just one night. Hopefully, tomorrow, he would give her a chance to finish explaining. Maybe they would get farther when he was sober. She hoped for his sake, that he could get his drinking under control.

—

Clary walked in the house close to 1am with her heels in one hand and her clutch in the other. Her first mission was to wash the sweat from the club off of her and then she planned to take a couple aspirin followed by downing as much water as her body could handle and then she was going to bed.

She peeled her clothes off as she entered her bathroom, tossing them into the hamper by the door and turned the shower on. She didn't want to go to sleep with wet hair and felt she was still too drunk to properly operate a blow dryer so she put it up before getting under the hot spray.

Now that Clary was back in the privacy of her own home with nothing else to distract her, her mind couldn't help but drift back to her earlier conversation with Jace; well, really less of a conversation and more of him spewing drunken bullshit while she put him in his place.

Clary wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. Relief? Vengeful? Did he really expect her to fall back into his arms after like 9 years and some half-assed apology, if you could even call it that? She honestly could've yelled at him all night and it wouldn't have taken away that bitter taste of betrayal she had in her mouth again after all this time. She wasn't sure that was the right emotion either.

Water was running down her face and it took her more than a few minutes to realize that it wasn't just from the shower but also the silent tears streaming down her cheeks. It wasn't too much longer before the water began to get cold so she got out and wrapped herself in a towel before throwing on a pair of boy shorts and a camisole and climbing into bed.

She had to be up early to teach a self defense class but the tears wouldn't stop coming; tears of sadness, frustration and rage. He couldn't put her through this again and she shouldn't let him but it was of course easier said than done. After tossing and turning for hours, Clary finally fell asleep realizing two things; in that moment, as much as she was trying to keep herself from hating Jace, it just wasn't possible and it had never been so apparent before how thin the lines between love and hate actually were.