Gaara had never really had the time to see her cook, he had once or twice, but it was still rare. Hinata moved around the large kitchen with ease, never once looking down at the recipe she opened. He wasn't sure what the book was for if she wasn't going to use it. She measured flour and sugar, but never spices or small ingredients like flavorings. He slid the recipe book to him and glanced over the directions, and watched her put things in that were not on the page. He turned the page only to find a different recipe.
"You've done it wrong." He mumbled, holding up the page.
"Huh?" She turned around from her mixing and giggled. "Oh, I'm not following the recipe. I like it better this way. I've never made you that one."
"Then why did you open it?" He wondered, confused, why she would use a recipe she did not like.
"I use it for reference in case I forget the amount of flour or the heat, the base recipe is the same, but I always add things to it." She set the bowl down and held out the spoon she was using to him. He held it for her while she poured what she was making into a baking pan and put it in the stone oven. She turned back, and he held the spoon back out. She looked confused. "You don't want it?"
"I have nothing to stir." She giggled and took it.
"No, you lick the batter see." She ran her tongue over the spoon, getting some on the side of her lip, and handed it back. "It's safe, no eggs."
Gaara wasn't sure what they meant either. He took after he licked the spoon far less than she had but understood the point. It tasted good, though he was unsure if it tasted good now, why they did not just eat it this way.
Hinata eventually realized she had made a mess around her lips and wiped her mouth. "I was never allowed to lick the spoon in the kitchens when I was young. But, there was a nice older branch man that worked in the kitchen that would sneak me one from time to time. He always made sure to wipe my face, so I didn't get in trouble."
"Will this man be coming to the branch here?" He wondered as she stole more of the batter leftover in the bowl.
"No, he died several years ago now. His children might be, though. I would have to check." She hummed as she started cleaning her mess.
"Are you licking a spoon?" His sister asked in a shocked voice from the kitchen door.
"Yes?" He answered. He was unsure why she was surprised if Hinata thought it was normal. Was this only a Konoha culture thing, and she, too, did not understand?
"There is more batter in the bowl if you would like some." Hinata held out the spatula she used to scrape the sides, also still with some batter on it.
Temari stood still for a few seconds more before grinning and taking the treat. "I haven't licked the spoon since I was a kid."
"You have done this before?" He remembered the kitchen staff not wanting to be around him but letting him take what he pleased when he pleased. They never spoke to him, nor did they ever offered him a cream covered spoon.
"Yeah, Kankuro and I would come down to the kitchen to sneak snacks before banquets or events because father wouldn't let us have lunch. They used to reject misshapen dango and pudding spoons." She explained, he remembered them disappearing, but he had never gone with them.
"Gaara's never had one. I guess I'll have to make sure you get one when I bake." His wife then smiled in that way he didn't understand, happy, but with sad eyes. What had he done this time?
Hinata looked at the spiney plants that he cared for and wondered how it had become one of his only hobbies. With no real social interaction as a child and young man, he must have been bored. This was the only thing he picked up? She hadn't realized she hadn't been paying attention until she felt pain in her finger. She yelped and yanked her hand back to see her finger that had spines sticking out of her thumb where she had been holding the rim of the pot.
Hinata started to pull them out before her hands were taken from her. She stared at Gaara as he put his attention into removing the spines. "Why do cacti interest you?"
Gaara removed the last spine, and she quickly stuck the skin in her lips to stop the bleeding. "They are odd plants. They are resilient. They live in an environment they should not be able to survive in. They have a defense mechanism that hurts those who wish to harm, though in most cases, eat it. It is not unlike me." He mumbled, picking up the pot she had set down in her hurry and placing it back in its place. "One day, my defense may hurt you too."
She stared at his back as she realized what he meant, and she frowned. She reached forward, fisting her free hand in his robes and tugging on him. "You and Shukaku-san would never hurt me. I trust you."
"You will regret that." He sighed. She didn't know where this had come from all of a sudden. Yesterday he was worried about letting her get hurt because he wasn't there to protect her. Why was he trying to push her away?
"I won't." She assured, laying her face on his back and moving her arms around his ribs. His arms came to lay over his chest and his head lowered.
Hinata didn't know what to do about this self-destructive behavior. She had no idea how to counter it when it would flip from him wanting to keep her close to wanting to keep her away.
Shukaku screamed, angry at him for telling her his thoughts. They only served to upset her, but it was the truth, and she should know. He would try to protect her just like he did in his village, but he could never guarantee he wouldn't be the one she should fear.
Why was she never afraid of him?
Gaara didn't deserve her care and affection. He couldn't protect her, and if she didn't come to her death because of his negligence, then it would be at his hand.
Hinata was tossed, waking her up. Though she didn't fall off the bed, Gaara had just ripped his arm out from under her, jerking her awake. She blinked into the dark. Gaara sat straight up in bed, breathing heavily. The sand in the room bolted about and laid over her skin surprisingly gently as it passed.
"Gaara?" She asked, sitting up, placing her hand on his elbow. "Gaara, can you hear me?" She asked when she didn't get a response.
Gaara turned, and she was yanked into a crushing hug, and she let out a squeak of surprise. His breathing was heavy on her. He was violently shaking, and she was sure she felt her shoulder getting wet with tears.
She brought her knees under her to support herself, burying her hands in the fabric over his back and hair. She wasn't sure what his nightmare was about, but it scared him.
Gaara was usually gentle with his hugs, even after panic attacks or being angry. He was always gentle and never squeezed her tight, even when he seemed to need it in fear of hurting her. He wasn't so gentle now.
His finger dug into her ribs, and his forehead was pressed as hard as he could manage with normal strength. Luckily his grip was not high enough to bother the nearly healed wounds across her back. She whispered to him and kissed his shoulder, trying to calm him, but it did nothing for the time being. All she could think to do was brush through his hair and let him tire.
When his shivers became fewer, and his grip loosened. Hinata felt her ribs protest, still sore from her attack, but it was a minor ache, and she wasn't worried. She lifted her head back to try to look at his face, but he held her too close to move back far enough.
"Gaara, are you okay?" She asked, laying her head where she laid her kisses. His heartbeat was erratic and only barely calming.
"I… killed you." He whispered painfully.
"It was only a nightmare." She assures, running her fingers through to detangling the hair at the base of his neck.
Gaara didn't protest, but he let out a groan of pain, wounded and depressed.
"I'm here. You're not going to hurt me." She whispered to him. She laid a kiss at the base of his neck and under his ear any skin she could. Anything to tell him she was real, she was fine. His heartbeat started to even out from what she could hear, still beating too quick to be normal, but it was no longer adrenaline and panic-filled.
"Stop." He jerked away, releasing her, and putting a distance between them.
A rush of cold air filled her clothes, and she stared at him in the dark, confused. "Gaara, what..."
"Don't... do that, I'm..." He rubbed his neck violently where she had kissed, and she frowned. He didn't want her affection? He never outright rejected it, no more than protesting she shouldn't be so caring to him.
Gaara looked down and away from her, but sand swirled at her back and pushed her forward toward him. Shukaku still thought she was needed. She crawled the distance and sat in front of him. He didn't look up, and his hand continued to cover his neck, where he was now red and soon raw from rubbing.
"It's okay. I'm not scared of you because of something you did in a bad dream." She told him, laying her hands on his knees.
Gaara flinched.
"You shouldn't..." He trailed off, still not looking up at her. "It's not just..." He let out a huff of frustration, and she frowned. She hadn't the slightest clue what he was trying to say.
Sand pushed her further, but she wasn't sure what Shukaku wanted either. She was afraid if she tried to hug him, he would push her away again and try to put more distance between them.
Gaara's hand went from his neck to ruffle his hair in a sudden violent motion letting out frustration in bursts. He sighed and once again went back to barely moving.
Another push from Shukaku, and she had to lay her hand on his thigh to not fall forward. She turned to give a half-hearted glared into the dark but stopped when Gaara's hand slapped over hers tightly, holding it in place and like he was afraid she would move it. He pushed it back to his knee and kept his hand over it in the same tight, now slightly shaking manner.
"Sorry, my balance..." She started.
"Don't… touch me. I'm… affected." She was confused, so he wasn't mad at her. What did the affected mean?
Hinata was given another harsh push, shoving her forward again, and with her wrist held down, she let out a slight yelp as it bent. The pushing stopped, as did Gaara's grip. He mumbled an apology.
"No, it wasn't you." She assured him, rubbing her wrist, gave a scolding look into the dark. She sighed, looking back at him in the lack of light. "Do you want to get up and make some tea? Something to calm you down?"
"No." He said, too quickly.
Hinata was stumped. She wasn't sure what he wanted. She laid her hands back on his legs and left her weight on them. "What do you want, Gaara?"
After a moment of silence. "You." His voice was thick in a way that could only make her blush.
Hinata understood what 'affected' meant now.
"Oh." She voiced, unsure how else to answer. Now that she understood, though, his behavior made less sense, but why then was he pushing her way.
She leaned on him more, getting lower, trying to see his face. "That's okay, Gaara. I am your wife."
Hinata felt a shiver from him. "Not… now."
She frowned, not disappointed but worried. Gaara was terrified of himself, and she couldn't do anything about it. "You won't hurt me." She promised him.
"You can't know that." He let out through his teeth, finally turning his head up to look at her.
"I do." She whispered, trying to assure him. The silence worried her. Maybe she could get him to go back to sleep. She lifted her hand to his robes and tugged on him, hoping he would follow her to lay down. Instead, she was suddenly jerked onto his lap by her lower back, where his hands dug in.
Hinata felt her face turn red and her skin layered with goosebumps in the cold of the room. She let out a gasp and gripped onto him out of instinct. He froze again, shivering out of cold, feeling, or terror she wasn't sure, but after a moment, he moved again with his attack on her skin. Usually, he was calm, he held back, he was careful not to hurt her, and though she could feel him still fight with himself, his hand twitching and tightening, and his kisses ranging between rough and gentle, this was far more… more than he would usually give her.
She shivered for a new reason. Laying her head back and letting out a gasp that sounded nothing of pain, he stopped only momentarily before she felt gravity than the bed on her back. She latched her nails into his robe as he trailed lower over her collarbone, holding her arched back with his hand firmly holding her there.
Hinata let out a whimper and tugged up his night robes until she tucked her hand under the ends and ran the ends of her nails over his lower back. He shivered and pulled back, yanking it off, lifting her to him. She gladly arched up until she laid fully flushed to him, only her night robe between them. She felt him racked with another shiver, and he bit her neck.
She let out another heavy gasp, and he jerked back only as far as he could as she snapped her arms out to catch him. "It's okay." She assured him.
"I'm going to hurt you." He huffed heavily, laying a gentle, agonizing kiss over the bite mark that she was sure wouldn't even bruise. His gentle roughness was painful only because he held back. She wanted more, but that could be at the cost of his comfort.
"It didn't hurt." She pulled him back down, digging her teeth only slightly harder over the vein in his neck and his finger dug into her hips as he left out a groan. "See."
He laid his face in her shoulder for a moment pressing it there as he debated. She ran her finger stiffly up his bareback, and lifted her leg around his hip to make it harder to tell her no.