Gaara held on to her far after sleep had made her go slack. He was tired, but he didn't want to sleep. He wanted to just lay there holding her, feel her weight on him, feel the heat from her body, hear her breathe. He thought it was odd that he enjoyed it before, but now he had a reason. It meant she was alive, and he was alive to feel it. He stared at the dark ceiling and frowned at it as he thought about what his sister told him once Hinata had to step out.
Gaara didn't want to think about the pain. He had put her through, but he made himself think about it. He had caused that pain. He had hurt her with his death. She missed him while he was gone. Before he met her, he wasn't sure that was ever a thing he was allowed to hope for. He still didn't believe that it was something he was worth. He had never done enough in his life to make up for his childhood. He wasn't sure he ever would, but he was certain he didn't deserve to be missed.
She did. Gaara tightened his grip on her and buried his face in her hair as it hit him that he could be missing her if Shukaku hadn't made a move to toss her out of the shield. There was no way she would have survived the pressure. She would have died instantly or of her injuries.
He would hurt her even after death. He didn't trust himself to let her go. He would hurt her soul by regretting his inability to save her.
His chest was physically restricted with these feelings. He felt piercing to his eyes. He hated the thought, hated it entirely.
Gaara was selfish. He didn't want to lose her but had made her go through losing him.
After all this time, he was still the monster. He could hear an echo in his head that sounded like a familiar scoff, but there was nothing there.
Hinata curled up against him on the office couch. It was clear that they had not quite recovered yet. They were finding themselves cuddled up anywhere they went. He was always the first to offer his hand, and she was not complaining. She wanted to be near to him too.
She started to notice other changes since he had returned home, not that he ate more or slept more. She would expect that. The cuddling wasn't entirely a shock, but she was sure he wanted it just as much as she did.
His anger was one of the oddest changes. He was extremely quick to get frustrated with even the simplest of things, even more than he would before, but then he would immediately stop, releasing the tension and look apologetic for the rest of the day.
Gaara would walk into rooms hesitantly like he wasn't sure what was on the other side. He would stare off for a while before frowning and looking over at her to start a random conversation. He started looking through things he never had an interest in before. It was like he was just trying to fill any space of time. It was exhausting to watch.
It was like he was swimming in his own head. Was he so used to sharing it that now that he had it all to himself, it was lonely? Was he not sure what to do without the second opinion on every thought he had? He would let his face twitch like it would when Shukaku would have commented, as if it was a reflex. She wondered if he would make up his comment for him now just to fill the space.
Hinata looked in the mirror and wondered, had she gained weight? She had spent many hours in the office and had skipped some training due to her injuries, but she shouldn't have gained weight that quickly. She turned in her chest, wrap, and underwear to look skeptically. It wasn't a bad weight. It was just odd. Maybe she would go in for her physical to be cleared for training again.
Gaara passed the bathroom door ruffing his bed hair. "Something wrong?"
"No." She smiled, heading over to wrap her arm around the groggy Kage.
"We have a meeting with the council." He mumbled, curling around her laying her head on her bare shoulder.
"I know, I don't want to talk to them either. They were pushy while you were gone. I didn't like it." She mumbled. She didn't want to complain about it too much. It was best not to bother him with what happened while he was gone.
"They have been demanding since I got back. They seem to think without the beast that they can push harder, and they are going to find themselves hitting a wall." She grinned into his chest.
"I should get dressed." She mumbled, making no move to leave.
He sighed over her shoulder, making her shiver, now she didn't want to.
Matsuri set her paperwork on her desk but lingered. There was a tense second before Hinata looked up. "Was there something you needed?"
"I… I wanted to thank you." She mumbled, not taking her eyes off the papers. "For standing with the village when Gaara was gone."
Hinata paused. "I was only doing..."
"No, don't try to push it aside. We were all crushed, but you were the most miserable, and you were the first to go back to work. You did it for his people, and you didn't have to. You could have handed the job off to me and shut down." She had tears in her eyes. "I'm not ready for that, and I certainly was in no frame of mind. I went home every night and held Etsu and cried because that's all I could do at the end of the day, while you were here working." She sniffed and bowed her head. "She didn't even understand what was wrong." Her voice squeaked.
"Matsuri-chan, it's alright. No one expects you to be steel. I filled my day with the work to not think about it. I was running on avoidance. I was doing no better. I just dealt with it differently. Honestly, I believe how you handled it was much more healthy. By the time we found out he had died, you could handle it, but I couldn't." Hinata smiled weakly at her lowering her head to see her eyes. "You're going to be a great Kage someday, and even if they get to grieve, you still came to work every day you still pushed through. I am proud of you even if you're not proud of yourself."
Matsuri hiccuped and roughly wiped her eyes.
"Grieving is human. It is not a weakness." Hinata felt a pain in her chest at the thought of her mother dying. As a child, she didn't understand, but she cried for days anyway. Her father called her weak for the first time. "Don't think you're any less for needing time."
Matsuri blinked tears away, looking at her looking shocked. Hinata tried to smile, but she felt a tear run down her face with it.