Bella
The knock on my bedroom door gets me to look away from the droning television as Emmett gets up to see who it is. When Rose walks through the door, a genuine smile lights up my face.
"Hey, you." Her smile is tentative like she's not sure if it'll upset me. This alone tells me she knows what's happened.
"Hey, Rose." I get to my feet, shuffling her way until I'm in her arms. Emmett mumbles something about going down to get some lunch, and then he's gone.
"How are you, sweetie?" she asks, pulling away just enough to smooth back my hair.
I shrug my shoulders. "Okay, I guess. I don't feel so sick today."
"Well, that's good." Taking my hand, she leads me back to the sofa, curling up next to me. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Bella," she gently admonishes. "Honey, you know you're going to have to talk about it at some point, right?"
"Why do I have to? I don't even really remember anything. I mean, they told me what happened," I say, lowering my head. "I just don't have any memory of it."
"What do you remember?" she asks softly.
"I was watching videos from when I was a baby. And he found me in the den. I was really upset, Rose. I remember talking about how much I missed my dad, and how he always told me I was pretty. Jasper listened to me, told me I was pretty and that he'd make me feel good and help me forget." I'm quiet for a moment. "They told me he probably slipped something in my drink, and it makes sense," I say softly. "I don't really remember much of anything else."
"Bella, you realize he raped you, don't you?"
I'm shaking my head before the words all leave her mouth. "If I don't remember it, it didn't happen," I vehemently deny.
"Hon, just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen." Her words are gentle, but they bring tears to my eyes. "Shh," she says, drawing me into her arms as I begin to cry. I've kept my emotions bottled up for the better part of two days, unable to face what's actually happened. It's hard to reconcile the facts I was told with the memories I have. But I can't go on denying what we all know is the truth.
"I can't, Rose, I just can't," I sob into her shoulder.
"You can't what, Bella?"
"I can't believe I was so stupid!"
"Stupid? Bella, you weren't stupid! You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie."
"I let him take advantage of me! I let my guard down around him! I knew better, Rose!"
Pushing me to arm's length, she looks into my eyes. "No, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Even if you were vulnerable, and looking for comfort, even if you had asked for it, he's the adult. It was his job to watch out for you, not drug you to get you into bed." Studying me, she waits for me to agree with her.
"Okay," I whisper, though my agreement is more to placate her.
"Okay. Now, did he hurt you? I mean besides the obvious."
"I don't think so. There was some bruising, but not too bad."
"I'm so sorry I couldn't be here to help you when you needed me, Bella. I just couldn't get away."
"It's all right. I understand, Rose, really. Your family needed you. Edward, um, he helped me. He helped me clean up and changed my sheets," I whisper. "And he sat with me when I was really sick. I guess the stuff Jasper gave me has some wicked side effects."
"I'm still sorry I couldn't be here." The silence stretches on for a while, both of us lost in our thoughts. "Bella, I need to know if you think he might have gotten you pregnant."
I assume my shocked face is the reason for her forlorn expression. "You think I could be? Rose, I can't be...pregnant." I whisper it like a dirty word. "I'm only sixteen!" I bolt to my feet, pacing the room.
"Sweetie, it's entirely possible. Especially if he didn't use a condom." That brings me up short.
"There wasn't one in the wastebasket or even a wrapper. Rose, I can't be! No, no, no!" I say, shaking my head in denial. "Wait!" My head pops up. "Isn't there a pill I can take?"
"Well, we're coming up on seventy-two hours now. The window of effectiveness is less, but I can go out and get it anyway. It's at least worth a shot. Is that what you want?"
The question hangs in the air. Is that what I want? The thought of a perfect little person of my own to love is appealing, but I am only sixteen. "Yeah, if you can get it, that would be great."
"Of course, Bella, whatever you need." With another hug, she's out the door. Deciding to get back to my cartoon marathon, I have no idea how much time passes before Esme comes barreling into my room, her face a tearful mess.
"Oh, Bella, a leanbh."
I'm quickly swept into her arms, her motherly embrace bringing tears to my eyes again. It hurts me to see her hurt.
"I'm so, so very sorry," she sobs into my hair.
"No, Esme, it isn't your fault."
"Oh, but it is. I should have never left you alone with that bastard son of mine!"
"So, you don't...blame me?"
"Blame you? Whatever for, Bella? You didn't do anything." Pulling away, she looks me over, her eyes sad. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."
After agreeing to at least have an STD screening done at some point, I fell asleep not much after Esme came home, exhausted from so many emotional outbursts. There's only so much crying I can do, and I'd reached my limit. What I didn't expect was for the sun to be shining into my windows when my eyes opened again. I'm a little disoriented when I wake, but my confusion is quickly replaced with worry; Rose should've been back by now.
Picking up my silenced cell phone, I see I have several missed calls and a few text messages from her. Scanning through them, I see her worry that she won't get to me in time. Apparently, Esme turned her away last night, telling her I was sleeping.
I quickly dial her number, hoping she can come back soon. She finally picks up after the third ring.
"Bella," she answers a little out of breath. "Sorry, my phone was across the room. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Were you able to get it?" I ask of the pill.
"I was. Is it safe to come over this morning?"
"What do you mean safe?"
"Bella, we can't let Esme find out about this."
"Why not?"
"Let's just say she wouldn't approve." Her comment puzzles me, but I don't ask any more questions. After we make plans for her to come over, we hang up and I flop back onto my pillow.
My grumbling stomach tells me I need to get up and eat something. After days of nausea, my appetite is finally returning to normal. Once I've had a quick shower and dressed in my comfortable sweats, I go downstairs in search of food.
I'm greeted by Esme's smiling face and the smell of fresh pancakes.
"Good morning, Bella!" she greets me.
"Good morning, Esme. Those smell really good." I hop onto a stool at the breakfast bar, watching her cook.
"Well, thank you. I thought a good home cooked meal would be nice. I know Edward did his best the last couple days, but his skills are limited."
"But I make a mean toaster waffle," the man in question says as he rounds the corner into the kitchen. "Good morning, ladies." He kisses his mother's cheek before grabbing a mug to pour himself some coffee.
"And good morning to you. Will you be here all day or does your father have other obligations for you?" she asks him as he settles onto a bar stool next to me.
"I'm pretty sure I'm off the hook with him today, but I do have a meeting this afternoon."
"Oh, with who?" Esme asks as she places a plate of fluffy pancakes in front of me, giving me a wink and a smile.
"I'm gonna go check out a few properties."
"Oh, are you going to look at houses?" she asks with excitement. I know she's been anxious for Edward to make things more official with Heidi, and I guess buying a house would be taking the next step.
"Sorry, Ma, not this time. I'm quite happy in my apartment. No, I'm looking at a few properties downtown. I'm thinking of opening a pub, actually." He tucks into his own plate, hovering over his food as only someone with two brothers would do.
"Oh, that's grand! How exciting! You'll let me know if you need any help with designing the interior or anything, won't you?"
"Of course, Ma."
A short time later, while I'm helping Esme clean the breakfast dishes, the doorbell rings. Edward welcomes Rose inside, her purse clutched tightly to her side.
"Oh, Rosalie! How are you, my dear?"
"I'm great, Mrs. Cullen."
"Now what did I tell you about that Mrs. Cullen nonsense? Please call me Esme."
"Sorry, Esme."
"Well, if you've come to see Emmett, he left nearly an hour ago. His father had an errand for him."
"No, actually I've come to see Bella."
"Of course. You girls go on, I'll finish up here."
"If you're sure," I ask her.
"Yes. Now, go on."
Hurrying up the stairs, we get to my room, and close the door.
"You've got it then?"
"I do." She digs through her bag, pulling out a small paper sack, handing it to me. "Here. I know the window of effectiveness is almost over, but it's worth a shot, right?"
"I guess I'll just take it and hope for the best." Swallowing it down with a bottle of water, it's bitter on my tongue, in more ways than one.
Three months later, two days after Thanksgiving, I find myself standing in my bathroom; my eyes squeezed shut, Rose holding my hand.
"No, you look."
"Are you sure you want me to look? Bella, I think we both know what it's going to say."
"I can't, Rose. Please?"
She pulls away and steps over to the vanity where the little stick lies. When I can't stand the silence any longer, I open my eyes. The expression on her face tells me all I need to know.
"Oh, God!" I burst into tears, sobs instantly wracking my body. "This can't be happening, Rose! I can't have a baby!"
"Shh, we'll figure it out."
"I'm in high school! How can I have a baby while I'm still in school? And I've got two years left! This can't be happening!" My breaths are coming faster, my pulse racing.
"Bella, I need you to calm down. You're about to hyperventilate. Deep breaths, now."
I try to slow my breathing, but I can't. I feel the panic creeping up my throat, making it feel like it's closing. When the spots around my vision get to be too much, the darkness takes over, and the last thing I see are Rose's wide eyes before I close my own.
"Bella?" The voice is close, but it sounds like I'm underwater. "Bella, a stóir, I need you to open your eyes now." The murky water I've been wading through seems to clear, and things come into sharper focus. When I open my eyes, I find myself laid out on my bed. Esme is at my side, holding my hand, while a worried Rose wrings her hands at my bedside.
"I'm sorry," I croak, my throat feeling dry.
"There's no need to apologize, Bella. Now, I'm incredibly worried about why you passed out. Rose said it looked like you had a panic attack."
I shrug my shoulders, unwilling to tell her what really caused it.
"Bella," Rose says from across the room. "You need to tell her."
"Tell me what," Esme asks, looking back and forth between Rose and me. "What's going on, girls?"
My pulse begins to race again. I roll onto my side, my hands moving to cover the small, hard bump of my belly. Esme's eyes catch the movement, widening in realization.
"Bella, are you...?" Her question trails off, a storm of emotion in her eyes.
"I think so," I whisper.
Her eyes close, a lone tear trailing down her cheek. When they open again, they're full of sadness and concern. "Bella, I'm so sorry. It seems that my family has brought you nothing but pain since you came to us. But, I promise that we will do all we can to make this right."
"How long have you suspected, Bella?" Carlisle's calm voice is comforting. Three days later, I find myself in his study. He's been away on business and just returned.
"A month maybe," I rasp. My silent tears are now falling in earnest. What I don't say is that what I guess is morning sickness has been plaguing me for close to two. The fact that I could barely drag myself down the hallways at school due to exhaustion for that long, or button my jeans the last three weeks are things I keep to myself.
"Why didn't you come to us, a stóir? We could have taken care of it before now." Esme's words bring a sudden wave of worry over me.
"What do you mean, taken care of it? I know I'm not ready for this, but I'm not getting rid of it, Esme!"
"No!" she gasps. "No, Bella, I would never suggest such a thing. This is a precious life in God's eyes, no matter how it came to be. No, I meant you could have seen a doctor by now, been put on vitamins, had a scan, things like that."
"Esme, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself." Carlisle's admonishment is gentle. "This is all very new, and Bella is going to need some time to decide what she wants to do about it."
"You mean, you're not going to take it from me, or make me give it away?" I ask, wiping my eyes. Even if I've been avoiding my reality for weeks, it hasn't stopped the flickers of thoughts of having a baby from flashing through my mind. And while it's daunting, I also can't imagine handing over something that is half me.
"No, Bella. This decision to keep it or find another family to raise it is completely and one-hundred percent yours. Now, as this baby is also a Cullen, we will be taking care of the financial aspect, and we'd like to be involved in its life, but the decisions will be yours. Though, I must say that if you choose not to keep it, Esme and I may need to have a serious discussion about raising another child."
"And...Jasper? Will you tell him?" Jasper hasn't been welcome in this house, and I haven't seen him since that fateful day. I have no idea whatever became of him. I don't know what will happen now; now that the entire family knows I'm carrying his baby. I can only hope that whatever is decided, I get a say in it.
We've been joined by Edward, who is seated nearby. He visibly stiffens, his jaw tightening at my question. The last few months, he's assigned himself my unofficial protector, and he's been just on the fringes, always nearby, so I'm not surprised he wanted to be here for this.
"For now we'll keep this to ourselves, but Bella," Carlisle says, catching my eye. "Even if he finds out, he will have nothing to do with this child. As far as I'm concerned, he lost that right the moment he took advantage of you."
Edward's scoff gets my attention just before he rises to his feet, walking over to the window.
"So, you trust me to make decisions for the baby, and myself," I ask hopefully.
"Of course. You may not legally be an adult, but we all know that you have a level head on your shoulders. We would like to be involved in the decisions, of course, but you will have the final say."
Looking down at my fidgeting fingers, I think about what's been on my mind for the last few days. "And if I decide that going away from here would be best, you'd support my decision?"
Esme reaches over and squeezes my hand, and I'm not sure if it's in support or anxiety. When she looks over to Carlisle, a silent conversation passes between them. When Carlisle's eyes meet mine again, there is sadness, but also acceptance in them.
"If that's what you need to do, Bella, we understand. We would like to still visit you, once we get you settled somewhere."
"That would be fine. I just..." I blow out a breath. "I just feel I need to take a step back from the family. You've all been so welcoming since my dad died, and you've made this feel like home, but I think after everything that's happened; I need some space from things. Not necessarily you, just the situation, I guess."
"Oh, Bella," Esme whispers, reaching over for a hug. "We don't want to see you go, but if you feel like you need to, we won't stop you." She squeezes me tightly, and I can hear her sniffling. "But, you'll allow us to visit, yeah? Maybe spend Christmas together?"
"Yes, of course, Esme. I'd really like that." She releases me, but still holds onto my hand.
"All right, then, we need to figure out the details. Do you have somewhere in mind?"
"I do actually. Um, when I was little, my dad always talked about the two of us going to see Ireland. I always wanted to visit there, and I think I may have some long lost relatives I could maybe stay with. I know it's far away, but I think the distance would be good. At least for now." The silence stretches out for several moments before the clearing of a throat breaks it.
"Maggie." We hear Edward say from the window. Turning around, he makes eye contact with me before turning to his father. "Old Aunt Maggie. She's Charlie's great aunt, second cousin something, I don't know. But, a distant relative. She would probably love to take in Bella."
"I'll make a call then," Carlisle says with a nod. "Now, is there anything else you'd like to talk about? Any other concerns? We should be able to have your school records transferred, so that shouldn't be a problem. That is if you want to stay in school."
"I do."
"Then we've got a lot of work to do."
It's later in the week, and I find myself at the doctor's office, Edward of all people with me. Esme woke up with some kind of stomach virus and couldn't bring me, so my ever-present protector offered to come along. It is a visit I couldn't miss, as I'm getting on a plane tomorrow morning, to take me to my new home.
"Now, we've got the gel in a warmer, so it shouldn't feel cold," the tech says as she squirts the blue goo onto my abdomen. The doctor already saw me and told me I was fourteen weeks. He suggested an ultrasound since we don't know how long it will take me to find a doctor once I arrive in Cork.
Swirling the wand over my belly, the fuzzy images begin to take shape on the screen. She pauses to click and type as she finds what she's looking for, and I can't make heads or tails of what I'm seeing. But when she pauses and aims it just right, the distinct outline of a tiny person appears on the screen.
"And there's your baby," she says with a smile.
Covering my mouth with my hands, I stifle a gasp. Edward's warm hand gently squeezes my shoulder as his silent show of support. Looking up at him, he has a tentative smile, and his eyes are watery.
"And this..." the tech says after clicking another button. "This is your baby's heartbeat."
The sound fills the quiet room. A swooshing sound, faster than I thought it would be, is all I hear as tears start to fill my own eyes.
Up until now, it had been an abstract idea, something we talked about, but wasn't yet really real. This moment, it comes into sharp focus; I'm going to be someone's mother.
a leanbh; my child
a stóir; my dear
A/N: Okay, your response last week blew me out of the water! Duplicity received over 100 reviews in just one week! I'm absolutely thrilled and humbled by it, truly. It makes me so happy to know you're all enjoying this story. I hope I can continue to live up to your expectations with this. And know that if I don't get to reply to your review, I simply ran out of time. But please know, each and every one brings a huge smile to my face and helps to move my fingers a little faster on this keyboard.
Big thanks to Fyrebyrd, Gabby1017, Life and Death's Lullabies, and TheMetroDad for pre-reading, and to my beta, SunflowerFran, but please remember, all mistakes are mine.
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