21

Instrumentality

Case #1: The two that never were.

Uraraka.

The day was over and everything had changed. She was curled up on her bed, hugging her broccoli pillow. "Deku barely noticed me today." She was staring off with her thoughts.

'When it was Kodai's turn to sing Deku looked upset that she chose not to, he even objected to it.'

Was she the one with him last summer.

Uraraka clutched her pillow tighter. 'Could she have been?' She recalled seeing them in front of the All-Might statue, her holding his head up, mouthing words of encouragement. The blurry face Uraraka had pondered for the longest began to clear up. 'It was Kodai, wasn't it.'

Even if it was, how does that change anything? Deku and you are just friends.

'And that's all I want.' She rolled over, onto her stomach. She forced a smile, reflecting. "We've made a lot of strides these past few days!"

Of rebuilding your friendship?

'That's right.'

A friendship stranded in the past?

She shook her head. "No, we're making progress!"

To what end? How far is this 'friendship' supposed to go? Into a relationsh-

"Whatever happens between us, will happen!"

...And you're okay with that...

"No..." She was holding the pillow gently, before burying her face into it. "Why doesn't he notice me anymore?"

Is it really too late..?

Todoroki.

He had one arm over his forehead staring at the ceiling as he laid in bed. "Wow." Could have today been considered a date with Yaoyorozu?

Do you really believe that?

He shrugged his shoulders, debating his thoughts. "I don't see why not?"

Aren't dates supposed to be intimate?

"It kinda was." He let out a gentle sigh. "Her voice was..."

But she wasn't singing to you, or for you, was she?

"Who else could it have been?"

Better yet, does it even matter if she was?

"What does that mean?"

Why her? Why Yaoyorozu? Other than that one time when you studied with her, nothing has changed, there's nothing between you two... Almost as if you're holding yourself back.

"No, I've been making an effort."

A lack of effort. A lack of emotional connection. A lack of social connection. Have you even tried to understand her?

He almost bit his bottom lip. "Of course I do. She's-"

She is..?

"She's..."

Go on...

Todoroki grunted before rolling on his side. "I barely know anything about her."

Why do you think that is? Why are you constantly bothering Midoriya with this?

"Midoriya..."

His eyes glistened, before he rolled back on to his back, and placed his forearm over his eyes, hiding them.

You have spent more time with him than with Yaoyorozu while saying you're chasing after her. You were even relieved when Yaoyorozu rejected you, instead opting to hang with everyone.

"Because it was a chance to help Midoriya."

Or to distance yourself.

"Distance myself?"

Fickle flames and a puddle of ice...

Case # 2: The two from his past.

Yui was floating in a pool staring up at the stars. Her ears were submerged in the water, causing that deafening feeling.

Izuku, what was that with him?

'Exactly what it was.'

Did it matter?

'Does it? It was a moment of the past. Gone, only remembered with memories that we share. Nothing more, nothing less.'

Then why him?

'He was there.'

So it could have been anyone?

'Irrelevant. He was there for me, no one else was.'

So there are reasons for your actions.

'Affection, happiness? Answers one would expect but simply not true. It was something that was and now is not.'

Then why the constant reaching for him.

'Why not? He is there, I am here.'

But you miss him.

'I wonder, can thoughts be considered true if they remain unspoken.'

...

'Izuku is where he is now. I am where I am now. We were and now we're not. Are people just fragments of each other? Taking pieces of the other through every interaction, trying to make one's self whole, emptying the other. Yet we were both empty, leaving the rain to try and complete us. Like a glass of water under a leaking faucet. A hollow drip, drip, drip, never filling up. The raindrops slid down the window. A memory ever clear as he held my hand. Our hands, body, even mind were like the water slipping down the glass, a constant stream of breaking and merging. We barely spoke, we didn't have to. He understands me so easily, a difficulty for others, yet so natural for him. Is it because of his work, he understands the needs of my hero suit and therefore understands the needs of me? Is it a deeper connection?

A deeper connection. What would that mean to me? To him? I don't believe it would matter to me, I would simply accept it, as I do for everything else. Things that are, are. Things that aren't, aren't. It can be so difficult for us to comprehend, wishing that what was, wasn't, or hoping that something that wasn't, was. Is that why I am attracted to him? Because he is the embodiment of that idea. Wishing for his quirk, yet not having it. Wishing I was Uraraka that week, knowing it was me. Wishing for All-Might to be with us, yet resigned to staring at a statue that can not reply. Believing he really is who he pretends to be, yet knowingly self deprivates in the solitude of his own creation.

Is that why we are intertwined?

Because of how empty we chose to be.'

Jirou. She was on her bed, laying on her side, staring out the window, out towards the bright blue moon, the light reflecting off her pale skin. "Both Izuku and Yaomomo picked songs that I introduced to them." She smiled to herself.

And they sang them to each other.

"Nah they didn't, I was probably just seeing things." She joked to reassure herself until her doubts began to creep in. "I mean they would tell me if something like that happened, right?" She rolled to her back, her hands crossed behind her head, staring at the ceiling. "Besides even if something was up, it's not my business."

The memory of holding his hand throughout all of All-Might's funeral.

Jirou freed her right hand, holding it up, looking at it intently. She frowned realizing why she was denying being upset.

"Fuck, I want him back." She groaned. She got up to turn and drop her face on the pillow with defeat. "Why this again? Nope, not gonna go down this road just to trip and eat shit." She thought of his bandaged arm, how his clothes were always either loose, wrinkly, dirty or torn up and his baggy bloodshot eyes. "God, why does he have to look like such a mess all the time, you're killing me, dude!" She hated how he was the exact representation of the aesthetic she was into. She was yelling into her pillow denying the resurfacing feelings. She began to calm down, shifting her head to the side.

"Why'd he have to go and save me like that yesterday..." She began to think of their first year before he lost his quirk. She reshifted her head back into the pillow, muffling it out. "I hate thinking about the past.

Izuku... Dummy..."

Case #3 The two alone together

Momo.

She was laying on her bed, being the small spoon, curled up in his arms. She was still wide awake.

Izuku or Midoriya, which is he?

She was suppressing those thoughts along with many others, plaguing her.

Momo or Yaoyorozu, which one is the true personality.

'It doesn't matter! It doesn't!' She squeezed her eyes shut.

A tight grip of comfort.

She opened them, feeling it. She lapped her hand over the arm on her waist. She let her eyes glaze over the white sheets they had roamed over. 'That's right, for now, nothing else matters.'

Till morning and Momo and Izuku disappear for Yaoyorozu and Midoriya. Two completely separate relationships from each other.

'And I'm fine with that. This, what I have with him, is mine and mine alone.'

But is it the truth or a delusional dream for pure satisfaction.

'I already said, it doesn't matter.'

It does.

'No, it doesn't!'

It does.

'No, no, no! Just leave me alone!'

It would matter if it was, let's say, Todoroki.

'...That's different...'

Because a relationship would have been established. A relationship without being secretive.

'N-No that's not...'

How many times did you imagine holding his hand, walking to school. How many times did you practice writing his surname as your own. How many times did you daydream about the perfect wedding with him. With Todoroki.

'I... I can admit I had a severe crush on him when we first started school at U.A. but how could I not? Everyone in class would leave subtle hints about us being the idol pair. I was deluded by high school romanticism. I was obsessed with the idea of him... But when I reached out for his help... '

Rejected by Todoroki, so you turned to the one person you knew would be there. To save you.

'No, I didn't use Izuku for this!'

You did. You knew how he would react to your actions that day. You purposely seduced him, no matter how you interpret it to justify yourself. You used him and he used you.

'No... We're not using each other... We're not.'

Izuku Midoriya

Izuku, Midoriya, or Deku, which is the real one?

'Well, all of them, I guess.'

It simply matters who is addressing you.

'Yeah, like how Uraraka calls me Deku.'

It's because you are Deku to her. Her hero.

'I'm not a hero... I gave that up.'

Or how Asui could only refer to you as Midoriya, no matter how much she craved to be closer.

'No, that's different. Asui is...'

Your safety net... Or was.

'No, she was my friend.'

And you knew she wanted more. You knew she liked you yet you kept stringing her along, keeping her by your side.

'No, I-I just wanted her to be my friend. I didn't want to acknowledge her feelings.'

You didn't want to because you were scared.

'That's right. It's terrifying trying to understand others!'

Let alone, understanding one's self.

'That's right...'

Uraraka, Asui, Hatsume, the three who make up the facade of you playing the part of Midoriya, and in turn a subversion of the hero Deku.

And Momo, Yui, and Kyouka who know you intimately. The ones who have seen the real Izuku. The ones who see your hollow self and still embrace you.

Two sides at constant conflict.

'What do I do, All-Might?'

Still reaching out for a ghost. A death you can't face.

'How can I? He was my hero, my mentor, he was everything to me! And having to be there at the hospital, seeing him at his weakest..!'

It broke you. It warped you into this subconscious dual identity.

'I don't know who I am anymore...'

If you can't understand yourself then how could you hope to do that for Momo?

'M-Momo? She's there for me. She understands me.'

'Does she? Or is she simply there with you. When have either of you even attempted to explain your own relationship?

'Our... relationship?'

Yes, the dynamics of your relationship could be the embodiment of both of your subconscious attempting to reconcile with your pain.

'Pain? W-Wait Momo too?'

To be disconnected from the one you're most intimate with...

'I-If something's wrong with Momo, I have to-'

Save her? Like the day you both started this?

'Er, it wasn't...'

To be her hero.

'No! I already said I gave that up!'

Trying to convince yourself?

'I just want to be here, with her in my arms, that's all I want.'

Ignoring your problems again, escaping back into your solitude with Momo.

Izuku was tenderly staring at Momo's face as she slept. She had cuddled up against him during the night wrapping her arms around him with her face inches away from him. He lifted his hand to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear after, he softly began to brush her cheek.

"Hmmmhm.." She let out, readjusting herself. "Izuku..?" She let out with a cute sleepy breath.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He whispered, cupping her cheek.

"It's okay..." She kept mumbling with that half-asleep voice, her eyes remaining closed. She snuggled closer to him, with their noses touching, she even raised her hand, cupping his cheek too. "Is something wrong?" With concern.

"No, Momo... It's nothing."

Liar.

"Go back to sleep, sweetie." She lifted her head to the cheek she was tenderly grasping, she rubbed it slightly, before removing her hand and leaving a warm kiss in its place. She dropped her head back on to the pillow, cuddling up against him, tucking her head in the crook of his neck. She opened her eyes with her thoughts before closing them, simply deciding to enjoy the moment with him.

Izuku needed that. He stared off for a few more minutes before the sounds and feeling of her warm sleeping body began to drag him to dreamland with her.

Alone, in the middle of the night with one's own thoughts can be terrifying.