"Does it eat?" He asked, looking up from his paperwork.
"Not directly." She answered, looking up from her book. "It's given nutrients through that tube I told you goes into the stomach."
"Oh." He looked down, and she held back a laugh. His mind seemed to be drifting from his work to the baby more and more as the night went on. His questions were becoming more frequent.
"Does it breathe?" He looked back up.
"No, it's lungs will be filled with the fluid around it until it's out. It receives all the oxygen it needs from me." She explained.
He nodded again, looking back down.
She waited a few seconds closing her book as he looked back up. "Can it hear?"
She giggled. "Yes, and it will remember you and I's voices as familiar, and it will remember my heartbeat." She got up. "I think we should head to bed. I don't think you are getting anything done."
Hinata set a hand on her expecting belly. She could now do it around Gaara. He seemed interested in the development as he had no clue how it worked. She had eventually told him that they had to go to bed after answering many of, honestly, the most childlike questions she had ever heard. It was truly adorable how much interest he had poured in the night. It calmed her panic, but now that she could think, the fear was still there. What if she lost the baby now that he was so excited to know everything about it? If she lost it, would it be a good idea to try for another? She thought she already had that answer? Would she be able to? Would it be just as dangerous? She didn't want to do this again if it was going to be the same painful process of never knowing if today would be the day she lost it.
"You look worried again." She flinched, realizing she had let her worries show to her face.
"I'm always worrying, it would seem." She ran her hand over her belly one last time.
"I believe that worrying can only make your health worse from what you have told me." He paused thoughtfully. "If something happens to the fetus, with all that you are doing with regular doctor visits. It will not be anything you could have done to prevent it."
She wasn't sure that made her feel better. She knew it was something he was used to as he commanded nin that didn't always make it back. The only way you could not kill yourself with guilt was to know that you can do everything right and still lose people.
She didn't know if the guilt of losing the child would apply the same.
Kankuro looked at her sideways, and his eyes narrowed. Hinata felt examined. "You do something new?"
"No..." She mumbled, giving him a confused look. She was hoping she wasn't showing enough to tell.
"No extra makeup or something?" She shook her head.
"Then you just look nice today." She watched him as he left like they hadn't just had that awkward conversation. She wondered what on earth had prompted that.
She thought for a minute and would just chalk it up to 'pregnancy glow'.
She puffed out her cheeks, looking up from her book to look over at Gaara. "...Do you think we should tell your siblings?"
"I thought keeping the pregnancy a secret was important." He wondered, looking up.
"It is, but I feel that Termari-chan might be more upset if she finds out later on her own, or in the event I lost it and she found out then. I'm not sure if nii-san would care, but I am certain she would. She had asked before I knew I was pregnant about it, and she mentioned she would have been excited to be an aunt. The only problem would be she might be more devastated as she was so excited."
"I'm not sure you should look at this all with such a heavy consideration that the pregnancy fails." He told her honestly.
She sighed, laying her head back. "I know I shouldn't, but I don't think I can bear everyone getting excited and buying gifts than having to tell them that it didn't make it." She closed her eyes. "Then the natural thing everyone will say is 'you can try again'." She wanted to be brutally honest with him. "And I don't think I have it in me to do that."
"You do not want to try to conceive again if you lose the child?" He didn't seem offended, thankfully, just curious.
"Not unless I know the odds wouldn't be the same. I don't know why there are so many problems, and without any way to prevent the same issues, we could just repeat and lose another child. I don't think that it is healthy for me to hope for a different outcome in the face of that." She felt sick again, thinking about all this possibility of the death of her children.
"I don't want to lose you in favor of giving the council children." He told her honestly. "I know childbirth can be dangerous, and I am worried about you."
She nodded with a sad smile. It would kill him if she died to childbirth,
She didn't want to ask, but they should discuss it. "What would you do if I died, and the child survived?"
His eyes wandered down in thought. Did he know? "I… would try to care for it the way you would have wanted, the way I never received. Though I do not know if I can, I will try."
She could only hope. "I would like that."
"But I'm not sure I'm capable of being a parent." He admitted.
"I think you would do fine. There are plenty of people who end up parents when they aren't ready. Though I think that is tragic, they find a way I'm sure you will too… With or without me."
"I would like to hope it is with you." Her heart skipped a beat, and the weight of what they were talking about really set in.
She could die.
She was going to cry. She couldn't hold it. She rushed through her meeting and excused herself, rushing through the hall. She bumped into someone on the way but didn't look up, only mumbled a sorry and an 'excuse me'.
She let herself break down as soon as she got through to the bedroom door. She hadn't even made it to the bed. She pressed her forehead to the wall and covered her mouth as she balled. She dropped to her knees and let out a sudden rush of emotions.
She wiped her face and sniffed, feeling the wave lighten enough to clear her head. Just as soon, she was startled by a knock on the door.
"Hinata," Gaara asked in a worried tone.
She gasped in the sob and wiped her face quickly before opening the door.
"A nin reported you looked sick and were running through the hall." He explained. "Are you alright?"
She nodded, sniffed in, wiping her face.
"You're crying." He moved into the room, closing the door behind him.
She waved her hand. "It's hormone-induced." She excused.
"...Is that common." He asked cautiously, looking worried at her red face.
"Yes, sudden anger, sadness, or joy over small things, or even with little to no cause can happen. It's hard to control the sudden heavy emotions even if you know what's happening." She tried to breathe calm herself, but she felt another wave of tears streaming down her face. She felt her face scrunch back up.
Gaara looked panicked.
"I'm sorry for worrying you." She whimpered.
"I don't know what to do..." He voiced, holding his arms out.
She curled into him and let him hold her. He was doing enough already. "I'm sorry." Was all that came out as she began to sob again.
She felt so silly. She had been in a meeting where a nin had off-hand mentioned that his sister was getting married and she was too busy with it. It reminded her that her sister was complaining in her letters that her replies were less frequent. There was a wave of disappointing her sister that had just hit her so quickly that she didn't know what to do. She had accepted that having less to tell her sister was going to lead to fewer replies and an annoyed sister. She hadn't felt anything other than a little annoyed that she had to keep her in the dark, but pregnancy emotions never were rational.
She sniffed, wiping her face as it finally passed. "I think I am okay." She whimpered.
Gaara looked at her with a mixture of bewildered and cautious. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Sorry, there isn't much to be done about this other than to understand it's not your fault and let it pass."
"You are sure this is because of the pregnancy?" He seemed ready to pin the blame on himself. She sighed. She hated it when he did that.
"This time." She got up to wash her face. "Thank you for being here."