Clay jolts back awake, lifting his head quickly and glancing around to see if anyone noticed him dozing off.
He shakes his head gently to try to clear and forces his eyes as wide as they will go and stares purposefully down at the paperwork in front of him, willing the words to come into focus and stop swimming across the page.
The low key hum of the plane is too relaxing and he quickly feels his eyes grow heavy again before he gets even one more word down onto the page. He shakes his head again more forcefully, determined to stay awake but then grimaces when that rekindles his headache from a 4 to closer to an 8.
Of course if anyone asks it's a three. It's always a three.
Clay rubs futilely at his temples trying to quell the relentless throbbing. He isn't sure if the explosion from earlier is to blame or if it's just a tension headache and he should be massaging lower where his neck muscles are tight, stretched and twisted ropes, screaming for a muscle relaxant.
Either way it's not helping his concentration when he is already struggling to find the right words for the AARs to somehow explain why everything went so off the rails.
And how one of his first missions as 2IC somehow led to his entire team injured and to them abandoning his injured team leader to bleed out for almost half a day under his watch.
He's filled these out before for Jason. Sat in this exact same spot on the plane and plowed through the paper work with no problems at all. Except now it feels completely different, he feels completely different.
Clay is immensely grateful for the team being allowed to fly back on their own regular transport this time. He's grateful for space, and for not having to deal with other people right now.
And for the impressively state of the art medical facilities on board that mean they didn't have to leave Jason behind again.
Once their leader had a few scans and got sewn up, warmed up and refueled with some extra platelets to stabilize his vitals, the Doctors determined that there was no reason he couldn't fly home with the team. The man somehow miraculously avoided any sort of spinal damage or internal bleeding, although he certainly didn't get off scot free. Learning he had a broken hip, a few cracked ribs, and a nasty concussion, made for a cranky Jason when he woke just before they were ready to transfer him out of the hospital. Even as exhausted and out of it as he was he still made his displeasure known about the expected recovery time. Although that might have had something to do with the immediate old man - bum hip jokes Sonny ruthlessly hit him with right off the bat. Roughly translated in Sonny speak to something along the lines of "Thank god you didn't die, I'm so happy you are awake and not brain dead" but Clay's just paraphrasing. The rest of the team went for a more clear and earnest approach to showing their appreciation of Bravo 1's good health even if Ray did speculate about horseshoes being shoved up somewhere special.
They are all acutely aware of how lucky they got. Trent has already expounded at length about the sheer improbability of what occurred and Jason escaping without anything more permanent. Then there are all the other factors that will probably haunt them all for a long while like what if Brock hadn't found the tunnel? What if they left with out him and buried some asshole in his place? Or what if Clay's second guessing and cautious approach to the mission had delayed them just a few more hours. Would Jason have been able to hang on that long? Would they have gone through all that just to find him dead at the bottom of the shaft?
It all still feels too good to be true. Like they couldn't have actually gotten this lucky could they? In their line of work they are too familiar with the fact that the world doesn't usually work like this. Some of the best people around, those literally willing to lay their lives down for their country, get shitty breaks all the time. It never seems to go the other way.
So Clay can't relax or trust in this unexpected good fortune and is just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to fall. For fate to drop one more crisis into the mix just to wrap everything up neatly with a bow.
His eyes unconsciously drift over to check on Jason again scanning the on board medical area where a corpsman hovers nearby.
The mission is finished but he still finds himself watching, counting, status checking all his teammates.
Trent is all too easy to find because he's right there in the thick of things, carefully monitoring Jason's vitals even when he probably should stand down and get some well deserved rest. Clay can already imagine the face he would get if he suggested Bravo 4 turn it over to the the on duty medical officer, he's going to save his breath on that one.
Likewise he doesn't have to look far to find Sonny sitting on guard just outside the "hospital wing" of the aircraft. Bravo 3's stitched and bandaged arm is wrapped carefully around his tender ribs while he's using the other more functional wing to knock back a cold one.
Brock, a little further along is sprawled out on a bench with a furry pillow, sleeping off the morphine the doctor gave him to reset his nose.
Clay adjusts his left hand in his lap, pushing the flaming, throbbing part down onto the ice pack he's got resting down there. Now that he's stopped moving it's abundantly clear whatever's wrong is more than just a sprained wrist. The swelling is mildly concerning because every time he looks down another tendon or vein has disappeared into the growing puffy blob overtaking most of his lower hand. There also a sharper radiating pain he can't ignore that flares with the slightest movement and he can actually feel bones grinding together in ways he's pretty sure they shouldn't. He can call it a sprain all he wants but there's probably going to need to be a date with an X-Ray machine in his future.
It can wait though. The ice will keep the swelling under control and as long as he keeps it still the pain is manageable Tylenol he popped earlier will get him home, or at least hopefully through all this paperwork even if its surprisingly slow one handed. Thank god his right hand is the still functional one.
Once he has everything squared away, gets everyone home safe and taken care of he will sneak off and get it looked at.
Blowing out a breath of frustration over the looming casts and rehab in his future he returns his focus back to a more pressing problem. Back to the empty paper and the words that just won't come, the emotions that swirl tumultuously every time he tries to list out the mission step by step and then just ends up reliving it again, all of it.
"It was the right call."
Clay's head shoots up. Surprised by the disturbance in the very heavy, very pointed silence that's been floating around for the last couple hours.
Ray plunks down next to him at the table
"You did good kid."
Clay instantly shakes his head, no time for well intentioned and very misdirected placation or whatever this is.
He doesn't deserve any sugar coating or a patented Perry pep talk
"I brought everyone back broken, almost got Jason killed, and then abandoned him to die alone," he says flatly.
Because yeah, when you put it like that. He did real good.
Ray isn't put off though, he just tilts his head in that damn understanding way he has and says gently "things got a little bit real out there hey?"
That Clay can more than agree to..."Yeah, but if you had been there…"
Now Ray is the one shaking his head and cuts him off firmly "It would have been the exact same."
Clay audibly scoffs at that, not accepting it for a second. But Ray won't let him have it and presses on trying to hammer his point home "You better than anyone should know that sometimes you can do everything right and things still don't go our way. You've had some tough breaks with Bravo over the last couple years. Do you blame me for that hole you accidentally explored in Al qaim? Or Adam for the round you took in India? It was Jason's idea to go drinking in Manila, is your leg on him?"
That has Clay looking away because Ray's earnest attempts to help are inadvertently picking at some scars that barely closed over in the first place and just got rubbed a little raw on this mission.
He looks back at the paper, hoping for an escape route and instead just finding blank space. He's choking on the words that are so hard to write, and even harder to say even to Bravo 2. And the problem is Clay doesn't have an answer for that question. Because the short answer is "No"...of course not. But that's comparing apples to oranges. All of those things happened under competent experienced leaders. Who's to say Jason or Ray or anyone else reading this AAR won't see all sorts of decisions they would have made different, outcomes that could have been changed.
Ray finally bails him out when it becomes clear he isn't going to respond.
"It's not as easy as it looks to be the boss is it? Whole hell of a lot easier to see all the angles from the outside. Decisions are crystal clear till you are right in the thick of it and actually have to make them and then there's just an awful lot of grey. And you know what that's ok, sometimes there is no right or wrong call, you just have to make one and live with it."
That gets Clay looking back up at the man, aghast and despairing. He isn't sure if he wants to laugh or cry at the absurdity of that.
He isn't willing to accept what Ray's selling right now and glancing back around the plane at his teammates, they hadn't been either, r. They had questioned his "grey" decision with good reason.
Ray easily picks up on that seed of doubt festering down beneath the surface. He continues on like he never stopped in the first place.
"…And then add in orders to your teammates, to your friends. Sometimes when they don't want to hear them. Nothing easy about that is there?"
Clay nods at that one. There's little use trying to hide anything from Ray. The overly perceptive man probably picked up on all the tension in the chatter without even trying. He's too astute not to have figured out something was going on even in the selective parts of their communication that Havoc was looped in on. And if somehow Perry hadn't caught it over comms their body language and irregular behavior is probably a glowing advertisement to anyone looking that something is off. The team has been much more scattered and distant than normal since their return, each finding their own tiny pockets of the plane and it's very telling
"For what it's worth, I think you did the best you could in incredibly difficult circumstances. No one can ask for anything more…. Give them time. They will surprise you."
He clasps Clay on the shoulder, squeezing and holding the contact for a moment and then rises to leave.
Ray Perry gets a step or two away, and then freezes and turns around for one last word "Oh, almost forgot. You should get Trent to look at that hand."
Clay starts guiltily, surprised to be called out on something he thought he had hidden well.
Ray just sits there, waiting for an acknowledgement with his usual enigmatic smile and a hint of fond exasperation.
Clay tries to play it off, "It's just bruised."
"Bull. That my friend is broken. I'm no doctor, or medic, and even I can say that with confidence."
Clay shakes his head, flexing his fingers again and feeling the sharp cramp of pain ripple through reigniting a bone deep ache that says the man is bang on.
He shrugs, not willing to admit Ray is right, even though he probably is.
Just great, another broken bone. Just what this team needs, another injury. There's barely even a point to Ray getting cleared hot now because at this rate, with only Trent escaping this mission unscathed, Bravo is going to be on the sidelines for a while anyways.
Ray is still standing there watching Clay.
"Go see Trent" he urges, barely finishing his sentence before Clay is already starting to dismiss the idea.
"Nah, he's busy with Jason. If it's broken it will still be broken when we get back."
Ray rolls his eyes at what is probably terrible logic on Clay's part. But it's also technically not wrong either. He turns to leave tossing a final piece of advice over his shoulder as he moves off. "Careful you don't want it to set wrong that's how Sonny's face ended up looking the way it did."
Clay can't help the chuckle that escapes at that before he turns back to the paper in front of him, spirits a little lighter, and task seeming just a little bit less daunting now.
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When he's said his piece Ray pushes away leaving the kid to think it through. He knows it probably won't penetrate fully right now because he is well experienced with the many layers of ego and hard hardheadedness that Clay Spenser wraps around himself like a ballistic shield. But he hopes it will eventually soak in and penetrate over time as Jason gets better and the team cools off.
And if it doesn't then he will remind the kid again and again until it does, bash him over the head with it if needed. It's not like he isn't well accustomed to having to do that for some other stubborn leaders he can think off.
Speaking of stubborn... He knows for a fact they've covered the whole hiding injuries with Spenser what feels like a hundred times because he personally has delivered that lecture at least half of the times. And yet here they are again.
So he gets his dig in. Tries to appeal to the kid's common sense and then rapidly gives up on that and tries a good old fashioned guilt trip. He predictably gets stonewalled, deflected and then given excuse after excuse until eventually he throws his hands up (because his aren't broken) and calls it a day vowing to check in with medical later and re-visit the issue if need be. Ray isn't above playing a trump card and threatening to get some brass involved.
He leaves Clay with a final parting joke, happy to see the man's too serious face brighten infinitesimally if even for a short second. Ray hopes he managed to lighten the weight on those heavy shoulders that carried far too big a burden on this mission.
He knows the team will sort itself out.
Change is always tricky, even temporary change. And then go and light a match and throw it in with some accelerant when Jason went down… yeah, not an ideal scenario. But he means what he said, they will all come around eventually. This team is too special to let something like this come between them. There may be a few feathers ruffled right now but they will smooth it over and make peace in their own ways when the time is right.
Sure enough, Ray watches from a distance as Trent exits the hospital wing and walks pointedly over in Clay's direction. Their medic ignores Clay's protests and attacks him with a pen light which gets quite a reaction. Trent appears satisfied right up until he notices the ice pack and swollen appendage that Clay didn't have time to fully hide. Ray smiles in satisfaction and then laughs to himself enjoying watching Sawyer work through the same exasperated reaction he had albeit in slightly more dramatic and blustery form. Clay may have escaped a lecture from Ray but he isn't so lucky this time. Trent efficiently multitasks giving the kid all kinds of shit while wrapping his "not sprained" wrist and splinting his "not broken "hand.
Satisfied the kid is taken care of, Ray drifts over to go check in on Jason. He is gratified to find the man finally awake although not exactly coherent. They dosed him up pretty good for the flight back so Ray gets a few sleepy blinks, a few disjointed sentences, assures the man that the team is alright a few times and then watches him drop back off again. He stalls for a few seconds, taking solace in watching the man sleep all while trying not to dwell on what this flight back could have looked like and where Jason could have been lying.
He steps away to find that Brock has relocated to sleep on the bench nearby Clay. His own brand of quiet support.
Well there's two out of the three moving past things, and sooner than maybe even Ray was hoping for. That just leaves… Ray glances over to watch Sonny still stubbornly sitting off by himself drinking a beer.
Most of the other guys have opted out on this trip back. They usually save it for the end of a successful op and as much as he told Clay otherwise, it's hard to feel that about this one quite yet. Maybe with some time and perspective they will all find it easier to look back and appreciate the fact that they saved 34 people from a lifetime of suffering while managing to disrupt a commodity chain used to supply numerous transnational crime organizations.
It just doesn't feel like a win right now.
But that's never stopped Bravo 3 before. Sonny has always had more of a "win or lose, you booze" kind of policy.
Ray returns back to the operations center still assembled towards the front of the plane. As he approaches, Blackburn lifts his head from the report he's reading and asks "Feel better now?"
"What do you mean?"
Eric gives him a knowing smile "You made your rounds, checked on all your guys, now you can relax a bit"
Ray doesn't respond to that, surprised he was so transparent. It doesn't seem to phase his superior though who seems bent on digging into the topic for some reason "Not so easy to be watching from the outside is it?"
Ray doesn't answer that either. He doesn't know how to adequately put into words just how hard it was to sit this one out while having a front row seat to the action, the good and the bad.
It's one thing to sit it out completely. When he's home with the kids and Naima, sure he feels a little sting when the team goes out, but quickly enough he gets engrossed in his life and can't do much more than guess at where the team is and what they are doing until its all over and they're back. Ignorance is bliss.
Today, in contrast has been one of the hardest days of his life. Being so close, being fully aware of everything that was going on, and not being able to actually go out those doors with them or do a damn thing about it when things started going off the rails. Pure torture.
He would have given pretty much anything to be in the field with them as things went down.
"You may have to get used to watching from the outside." Eric fixes him with a pointed stare, and now Ray gets where this is going.
"The kid is going to make a good leader some day." Ray redirects, and not even all that subtly either. Blackburn thankfully takes the hint and lets him have the escape, giving a simple affirmative nod and then returning back to his report.
Ray's too tired and too not ready to talk about whatever his future might hold right now.
For now, all he knows is that he doesn't intend on going anywhere anytime too soon.
So they will have to figure out how to make that work until then considering Clay more than proved he can handle his own business in a 2IC capacity, hell even the Bravo 1 title didn't seem like too much of a stretch. Just like he told Jason over a month ago, the kid is ready.
It's like a goalie controversy where the backup developed sooner than expected and is now pushing for more starts, more big games.
Ray laughs to himself at the fact that even when he isn't trying to explain something to Jason he still automatically uses sports metaphors just out of habit. He will just have to trust that their team Captain will find a way to make it work for now because after today it's even harder to consider moving on from the team and from his brothers.
But at least he knows that whenever that time comes, and even if it's sooner than maybe he would like judging by Blackburn's demeanor, he will be leaving them in good hands. Capable hands.
The kid more than proved that today.
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I know every time I promise updates will be quicker ( I should probably give up on that) although this time you guys have only yourselves to blame with all the awesome stories being posted for seal team week. Too much reading and not enough editing on my part.
Just one final epilogue to come