Harry felt the sting of alcohol as he cleaned the freshest cut on his arm. As he wiped the alcohol away and placed a small bandage on his forearm that his sleeves would hide, his mind reviewed the last three days.
His aunt and uncle had not been pleased when he returned home with a Dudley that could barely stand, much less communicate. The barrage of owls that followed his arrival home did nothing to alleviate either his or his uncle's frustrations. From expelled to suspended, with not a word in edgewise from his friends, Harry was even more angry now than when he had heard he was being spied on. The only word he had received from his loved ones was another letter from Sirius telling him to stay put and not do anything rash.
Does cutting my arm with a razorblade count as rash thought Harry? If so, he had been rather rash all summer. He couldn't explain it, but the small cuts on his arm gave him a sense of comfort. He couldn't magically conjure news of Voldemort or his death eaters. He couldn't make his aunt and uncle less awful. And despite his many pleas, he couldn't make his friends and loved ones care enough to come to his aid. But this he could control.
After over a month of reliving the cemetery night after night, and after four days of reliving the dementor attack on top of that, Harry had to find ways to take his mind off the anger and sadness, or he would drown in it. And so, when he got his hands on an unused razor blade a week into summer break, he started putting it to use. He had heard of cutting off the telly several years back. He didn't understand its appeal then, but he understood now.
In the wake of the attack, and the lack of support afterward, Harry's mantra was back in full force.
Useless. Crazy. Dangerous. Unloved.
"I took on dementors all by myself for Godric's sake!" Harry mumbled angrily to himself. Though, he could have shouted it had he felt the need. His relatives had gone out for the night, leaving him alone. It was a feeling he was growing depressingly used too. After four years of attending Hogwarts, Harry had grown used to having friends. He had grown used to having someone, anyone, there to support him. And now, nothing. Nothing but silence.
It seems Harry had though too soon because just then he was startled by a loud crash coming from the kitchen. He pulled his sleeve down to cover his bandage and sat upright and still. There was silence for a few beats before he started to hear voices. The voices began to move out the kitchen and he could hear them begin up the stairs. He pulled out his wand and made his way to the door. He hesitated for just a moment before yanking it open and stepping out onto the landing with his hand held high, only to come face-to-face with none other than Mad-Eye Moody.
"Professor?" Harry asked.
Moody grunted in response. "Never actually got around to teaching did I? Lower that wand boy."
Harry didn't know what to make of this new development, but before he could decide what he wanted to do, he heard another familiar voice on the stairs.
"It's alright Harry. We've come to take you away."
"Remus?" Harry asked in disbelief. "Is that really you?"
"It's really me Harry," Remus answered, before whispering Lumos. The other witches and wizards currently taking up the Dursley household followed suit, and soon Harry could make out a sea of faces down the stairs and into the hallway. It took a moment for Harry to register Remus' words. When he did, he was briefly filled with joy at being able to leave before the anger came back stronger than ever.
"What do you mean you've come to take me away?" Harry asked fiercely. "It's a bit bloody late for that don't you think?"
Remus appeared taken aback by Harry's brashness. This was a big difference from the mild tempered young boy he had taught a year and a half ago. The entire party looked shocked, though Harry didn't know any of them and was far past caring what a group of strangers thought. Remus looked as though he was unsure how to respond, but luckily for him one of the newcomers spoke up. A young lady with dark twinkling eyes and short spikey hair that was a violent shade of violet saved Remus from have to answer Harry's accusation.
"Don't you think that's a little harsh there Harry?" she asked.
"Do I even know you?' Harry asked.
This shook Remus out of his surprise and he stepped past Moody to get closer to Harry. He gestured to the purple-haired woman.
"This is Nymphadora—"
"Don't call me Nymphadora," she interrupted with a shudder.
"Who prefers to go by her surname Tonks," finished Remus.
"Is any of that supposed to mean something to me?" Harry spat back.
"Come now Harry," Remus said gently, worry filling his eyes. "This isn't like you. We're here to take you away. Isn't that what you want?"
"Well I wanted it a month ago," Harry all-but yelled at him. "I wanted it after I watched my friend die and faced the most feared wizard in the world. I wanted it as I sat here alone reliving those moments again and again with no word from anyone. Now all of a sudden I'm in 'trouble' so I'm worth paying attention too?"
Remus' face had continued to drop the longer Harry spoke. Harry could see a tinge of sadness mixed in with the apprehension that had come with his initial outburst.
"I understand your frustration Harry—,"
"I don't think you do," Harry interrupted. "Because if you did, you would have come to take me away much sooner. You wouldn't have waited until I was a 'problem'!" Remus looked like he wanted to protest again. Moody was moodily grunting behind him, and the rest of the party looked as though the last thing they wanted to do was get in the middle of this argument. Harry decided he had enough of their stares. As much as he wanted to be reunited with those he loved, he didn't want to go if the only reason for it was that he was a problem that needed to be dealt with. "You know what? You didn't answer my pleas then, so I don't see any reason why I should care about yours now." And with that, Harry turned and walked back into his room.
He could hear Moody protesting and several of the others agreeing, but he tuned them out when he heard Remus try and calm them down. Let them be angry thought Harry. Maybe then they might know how I feel. Harry sat on his bed and stared at Hedwig's empty cage. He had sent her with letters, but no one had bothered to reply in the four day since his attack. Another thing to fuel his anger. He subconsciously rubbed his arm where his scars were as he thought of all the reasons why he should be angry with everyone.
"WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Moody yelled from the stairway. "You go in there and get that boy out. The rest of us will be waiting. If you're not out in five minutes I'm dragging him out."
Harry heard the party descend from the staircase after Moody's ultimatum. Then, he heard a lone set of footsteps walk towards his door. He stood up to face Remus as he entered.
"Nice to see everyone is so understanding of my plight," Harry said bitterly.
Remus sighed. "Harry, I know this might be hard to hear, but you need to understand you're not the only one struggling right now. Every one of us is on edge. We just want to make sure you're safe, and safe no longer means here."
"So safe is with people who hate and abuse me is it? Safe is me in a muggle neighborhood without any means to protect myself?"
Remus had startled at the accusations. "I'm going to save that first one for a later time due to time constraints, but I would say you protected yourself just fine when it came down to it."
"Yeah, and I'm about to be expelled for it."
"Well perhaps we can help you with that," Remus insisted. "But you have to leave with us Harry. Please."
Harry didn't answer. He looked at the meager possessions scattered about his tattered room. Most of his school things were locked in the cupboard under the stairs. His other things were either hand-me-downs or so old they were barely functional. When he looked at his bedroom door he could see the many locks to keep him inside and the dog flap to feed him. These four walls were his prison during the last few weeks. They offered him no release, only serving to remind him of how unloved he was.
Useless. Crazy. Dangerous. Unloved. Freak.
Harry wanted to leave these walls behind more than anything. And despite his anger towards them, he longed to see his friends, even if just to yell at them. It would be better than the overwhelming, debilitating silence that had filled his life for the past month.
"Harry I'm begging you," Remus said when it was clear Harry wasn't going to respond. "If you want to rage and howl at us when we get to headquarters you can, but we need to get there first. You can file all your complaints one by one and scream until you run out of breath, but you need to come with me to do that."
Harry knew he had a point, and he also knew the alternative was staying with the Dursleys. It wasn't much of a decision. He would rather be surrounded with magical people he was angry with than non-magical ones who hated his very existence. He finally looked up at Remus and nodded. Remus' whole body sagged with relief, and they silently gathered the things he needed from his room.
"Where is your trunk and school things?' Remus asked.
"They're locked in the cupboard under the stairs," Harry replied.
"Then how do you do your school work."
"I don't."
Remus looked as if he wanted to say something about that, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, they heard Moody's unmistakable voice shout "TIMES UP. COME DOWN OR I DRAG YOU DOWN."
"We're coming Alastor," Remus answered. "Do us a favor and open up the cupboard under the stairs. Harry's things are there."
"You heard the man Tonks. Get to it."
Harry could hear Tonks comply as he and Remus made their way downstairs. They threw his belongings in his trunk, quickly making sure everything was there before shutting it and grabbing his broomstick.
The group made their way to the backyard with Harry in the middle as if they thought he would make a run for it. Harry couldn't lie, the thought had crossed his mind, but without being able to do magic undetected, he knew it would be a waste of time. Moody shouted orders about not breaking ranks and positions and other nonsense. Harry silently mounted his broom and took to the air. The others seemed as if they didn't even want to look at him. He could tell he had disappointed some admirers of the famous "boy who lived," but he could truly care less.
They flew for what seemed like an hour. The chill numbed not only Harry's body, but his mind as well. For a moment, Harry was able to forget his anger and simply enjoy himself. He had always and would always love flying. He hoped nothing would be able to ruin it. However, it was rather cold, so when he heard Remus order the descent, he was thankful.
They landed on a street filled with grimy looking houses the exact opposite of the Dursleys' modest, and spotless, home. He looked around, wondering which one was their destination. As if to answer his unspoken question, Moody shuffled up and shoved a sheet of paper into his hands.
"Hear, read this quickly and memorize it."
Harry looked down at the piece of parchment. The familiar handwriting he recognized as Dumbledore's read:
The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London.
The moment he looked up, Moody snatched the paper from his hands and set fire to it. Harry glanced at the houses in front of him. To his left was number 11 and to his right was number 13.
Just as he began to ask, "But where's—?" a battered door appear between houses 11 and 13. It was followed swiftly by the other portions of the house until the entire grimy thing stood before him.
"Come on, hurry," growled Moody, shoving Harry towards the door.
Well, here goes nothing thought Harry.