A/N Happy Football Day! Actually, not so happy since it's the last day of the regular season. Where did it all go? How can we be to the playoffs already? Will Tampa screw the pooch and beat the hapless Saints and lose the number one pick? These are the things that are plaguing me at the start of the day AND unexpected parental visit is going to interfere with me seeing everything play out!

Mini-rant. I came home from the parents on Friday morning. Outdoor turned indoor kitten did fine all by herself while the big cats were with me. Next goal: to be able to touch her so I can get her to the vet. Fun! Anyway, yesterday while I'm writing for the first time all week, phone rings. Mom is there announcing they'll be here at noon today to help my brother and his wife buy a car. That's awesome, except I don't feel like doing a parental clean with like no notice. So here's hoping I don't get bitched at (but I will). Also, you know what a looooong boring process car buying is. I hope they have a TV, that's all I'm saying. Why I'm being dragged along is beyond me. Sheesh.

Fantasy faillllllllllll. As you may remember (if you bother to read my rambles, haha) I had 5 teams in championship games. Team Watt's Up Cock? the leader out of the gate at 14-1, crashed and burned thanks to Andrew Luck's awesome 2 point performance against the Cowboys. Needless to say, I have a new captain of my Hate League team next year. Do any of you have happen to know Andrew? Hmmm? Because him getting kicked in the groin wouldn't upset me overly much. hehe I kid. Sort of. But really, he fucked me hard, not in the good way. Then along came Peyton Manning and the 2 championships that I had in the bag went bye bye when he threw two picks at the end of the game, one being a pick 6, and I was against the Cincy D in both games. I lost by .2 and .4. Soul crushing, people. Soul crushing. So I thought I went 0-5 until I logged on in the morning and saw that somehow, some way, team Ladies and Edelman, a 3rd place team, managed to knock off a number 1 by a measly 1 point! So I went 1-4. Still awful, but less awful because I won something.

Did everyone that celebrated have a good Christmas? I did, for the most part, except that Santa brought me a cold along with my other goodies. Still getting over it (and another reason that cleaning just doesn't do it for me). I hope that you all had a great one and that the New Year sees you happy and healthy. I'll stop talking now. More reactions ahead along with some not-so-helpful help from a couple of bumbling idiots ;) See you next week!

Getting Blitzed Chapter 17

Whoever the fuck was banging on my hotel room door was going to get their ass handed to them. Reed Girl mumbled something before burrowing her head under the pillow, of course leaving me to deal with whomever had the fucking indecency to be knocking at…holy shit, six thirty in the morning on my fucking off day. Someone was going to die.

I rolled out of bed and grabbed the discarded boxers that had somehow landed on the lamp on the nightstand. Well, I knew how it happened, of course. And that shit made me smile. Even though I'd been reluctant to do anything sexual after Reed Girl dropped her baby bomb, she'd convinced me in quite the satisfying way that for now, the baby didn't have to change shit. And apparently I'd better take advantage of the next seven months before the kid came along. Kids were the ultimate cockblockers. All the screaming and pooping and…fuck. I didn't want to think about it now.

The pounding still hadn't stopped, so I hurried to the door and yanked it open. "What the fu-" I broke off when two whirlwinds dashed past me.

"Bella! Oh my God, Bella!"

Fucking hell. Shorty was loud as shit at this ungodly hour. "She's sleeping. Would you quiet the fuck down before you wake up whomever you haven't already disturbed in the entire hotel? All three of them."

Shorty put her hands on her hips and glared at me. "Listen, you! We have a billion things to do if you want to get married in a few weeks. Weeks! Do you know how much there is to accomplish?"

No. Thank fuck. I did not. And I didn't want to know. I grabbed my wallet off the desk and dug out my black card. "Here you go. Have fun."

Blondie snorted while Shorty snatched the card out of my hands practically before I finished speaking. "You sure do know how to make women insane, Cullen. Your mom hasn't slept all night, and I'm pretty sure Alice hasn't either."

"There's no time, Rose! We've compiled a list of local places to call as soon as they open today. Then we've got to consider food, music, flowers, pictures, décor…"

Shorty was on a fucking roll. I had to cut her off. "Look, all you need to do is find a place that has a hotel on site. We'll stay there. Eat their food. We don't have to have catering and all that crap."

Shorty's mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. She looked a lot like that fucking ridiculous singing bass that Emmett had to have years ago.

"That's not…ugh! Men! You don't have a clue, do you?"

I sure as fuck didn't. And I wasn't the least bit sorry about that. "Listen, we just want something nice but simple. Reed Girl isn't you, you know? Just find a place and get her the dress she loves. Find a photographer. The rest is all just noise."

"Do you or do you not want her to have a perfect wedding? Just because you're rushing because of the baby…"

Fuck. "My mom told you?"

Blondie sighed. "To be fair, she didn't intend to. We came in just as she was telling your father to open a bank account for Baby Cullen."

Of fucking course she did. The kid was still just a sac but was probably already a millionaire.

"I knew I wasn't pregnant, and they were entirely too calm for it to be their baby, so we figured it out by process of elimination."

"Yeah, we knew Bella had been having mood swings lately. I was wondering if she was pregnant before all this wedding stuff came out."

"Mood swings?" I asked Shorty. What was she talking about?

Blondie and Shorty exchanged a glance. "She's just been lonelier, you know? A little weepy now and then. We thought she was just missing you."

Of course she fucking was. My girl was alone in Tally with a baby growing inside her while I was a thousand miles away. Fucking hell. The timing of this baby was shitty. This wouldn't do at all.

"Look. I can't be there, no matter how fucking much I wish I could. Can't one or both of you move in with her? I'll pay your rent and gas and whatever else you need."

"That's sweet, but I don't need a babysitter." We all looked over to the doorway where Reed Girl stood, looking sexy as hell in my black button-down shirt. "Rose is married to your brother, and Alice is engaged to Jasper. You can't ask them to uproot themselves for two months. That's just silly."

"I totally could do it!" Shorty ran over and threw her arms around Reed Girl. "Oh, Bella! I'm so excited for you! A baby! I'm going to spoil her rotten."

Her? What was this her shit? Fuck that noise. "We're having a boy."

All three of them stared at me.

"And just how do you know that?" Blondie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

I just did. I couldn't have a girl. A girl was unfathomable, really. "All the Cullens are boys. It's tradition." That was true. There was a long line of Cullen men. Women were few and far between.

Reed Girl chuckled. "Well, girl or boy, I don't need a babysitter. Thank you, Alice, but we all know you need to keep your eyes on Jasper."

Shorty giggled. "Jaspy's under control. He hasn't smoked in months, and he's all about football right now. He probably wouldn't notice I was gone. He'd just bug Edward if he got bored."

And fuck that noise, too. "Nope. It's fine. I'll hire someone. Mom mentioned she knew a nutritionist." That would be good for a pregnant woman, right? To have someone telling her the best things to eat. I needed to get Mom on that.

Reed Girl walked over and wrapped her arms around me. "Edward, I love you."

Damn right she did. "I love you, too."

"I know. And I know that you're feeling guilty that I'm alone and you're so far away from me, but I don't need a nutritionist to come babysit me either. I eat well. And I've got some baby books, so I'll read up on what I should and shouldn't be doing. The Internet is full of advice. You don't have to worry about me."

As if that was possible. "But Shorty said you'd been weepy lately." Weepy meant crying, and I fucking hated when she cried. Especially if she was crying because of me.

"Well, of course I have. I'm pregnant. Pregnant women have all these weird hormones in their body, and sometimes they have to cry. Or laugh. Or scream. It's part of the package. But I'm not upset. Not now that I know you're all in with me."

There it was. She'd been so worried that I'd lose my shit over this baby business that she'd cried God knew how many times.

"Well, you can stop worrying about that and just take care of yourself."

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. "I will. And you stop worrying about me and take care of yourself. You have several big games coming up, and you need to focus. I'll be fine. These two and the boys won't give me a moment's peace, and you know it."

"We won't! We have a ton to do, anyway! I'll be over all the time. She'll want time alone, trust me," Shorty vowed.

"Speaking of time alone, why are you guys here so early?" Reed Girl asked, glancing at the clock and wincing.

It had been a long night for both of us, first with the talking and then with the fucking. We were both wiped out, with good reason.

"Because we have to get going! Get dressed!" Shorty attempted to steer Reed Girl into the bedroom, but we held on to one another.

"Where could we possibly have to go at seven in the morning?" Reed Girl asked. Good fucking question.

"Esme tracked down the owner of the dress shop last night. She's agreed to open early so you can try on your dress and get measured so they can get started on it immediately. And she's hooking us up with someone who runs a boutique with tons of bridesmaid's dresses. Rose and I need our dresses, too. Plus Esme can get her dress. So can Renee."

"Renee?" My girl went pale, and I tightened my grip on her in case she was about to faint. Was she going to puke? Fucking hell. There was a trashcan by the desk. I could get it to her in two seconds.

"Does she know?" My girl's voice was strained. I didn't like it.

"God, no!" Blondie shook her head. "We didn't know what you wanted to tell your parents. Esme just called to tell her we were doing the dress thing today and asked if she wanted to tag along. She said yes, but we didn't tell her about the date or anything."

"What's wrong, baby? Don't you want her to know?"

Reed Girl sighed and rested her head on my chest. "I'll tell her. I just…you know her. She'll either freak out about being too young to be a grandmother, or she'll scream it from the rooftops. My mother goes to extremes."

That was true. Renee was something else.

"I'd just like to get through the wedding without her making some sort of scene. And if she knows I'm pregnant, she'll make one."

"She's more likely to hit on me or my brother."

Reed Girl snorted at that. "Or your dad."

"I'll take that bitch down," Blondie said, making us all laugh. "Don't worry, Bella. We'll tell her the truth. You guys can't wait to get married, so we're doing it on Edward's bye week. Then when you graduate, you two can start your lives together without all those tedious details to worry about."

Reed Girl blew out a breath. "Okay. That works."

"Well, that's settled. Now hurry up and get dressed. The boys will be here any minute." Shorty finally got Reed Girl to release me and head to the bedroom to get dressed.

"Why are they coming?" I asked. Surely they weren't dress shopping. Well, honestly, I could see Jasper doing that shit. But not my brother. It wasn't his style.

"To hang with you while we get this whirlwind wedding started." Blondie looked to the doorway where Reed Girl and Shorty had disappeared. "We'll take care of her, Edward. I promise."

I tried my damndest to work up a smile for her. "I appreciate it. Thanks."

"How are you doing with all of this?"

I didn't need to ask what this was. "I don't know. It seems like it's happening to someone other than me. I'm just focusing on her right now."

Blondie nodded. "You know, when I heard, a part of me wondered if you'd run for the hills once your head cleared a bit." Of fucking course she did. "But then I reminded myself that you turned out to be a far better boyfriend than I ever thought you would."

I gaped at her. A compliment from Blondie?

"Don't look at me like that. You're a good guy, Edward. And you'll be a good dad."

Holy fuck. That was unexpected. "How do you know?"

"Because you excel at everything you put your mind to. And she won't let you fail. None of us will."

I blew out a shaky breath. "That…thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just keep doing what you're doing. Be there for her. Show her you love her, even when you're not there. Maybe keep threatening to hire people to take care of her so she knows that you're thinking of her." We both laughed at that. "But seriously, we'll be there for her day and night if she needs anything that you can't provide due to distance. You can count on all of us."

I knew that, but it was good to hear. "I will. It's easier knowing you'll be there."

"She'll have more visitors than she knows what to do with." As soon as she said it, there was a knock on the door. "As you can see."

I went over to answer it and was immediately smacked in the face with a bunch of shiny fucking balloons. "Congratulations!" Arms were around me and balloons were tangled in between us.

"Jasper! You promised to cut out the hugging shit."

"We're not around your team, and it's a special occasion, Daddy!"

I managed to break his hold and bat the balloons out of the way. "Don't call me that. It's just wrong."

"But you're going to be one."

I didn't need a fucking reminder, thank you very much. Or a dozen balloons.

"I know. What is this shit?"

"Jasper insisted that we needed to celebrate." Emmett clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Always gotta one up me, huh, bro? I mention the idea of knocking Rosie up, and you and Bella run with it. I'm never going to be Mom's favorite son again."

"You never were, once I came along." He laughed and gave me a shove, but I held my ground. "And it's not my fault I'm better at everything than you are."

"Not everything, bro. I, at least, know how to use a condom."

"I used…never mind. Why are you here?"

"To keep you company while the girls shop. You don't take off until later, right?"

Crap. "Right."

Reed Girl and Shorty emerged from the bedroom then. Emmett swooped Reed Girl off her feet, and I immediately grabbed for her. "Dude! She's pregnant!"

"And I'm not a paper doll, Edward." Reed Girl hugged my stupid oaf of a brother. "It's good to see you."

"You too, Little Mama! How's my nephew doing in there?"

Reed Girl laughed. "Not you, too! How do you know it's a boy?"

"Cullens are boys. That's just the way it goes," Emmett told her, as I already had.

"Mmm hmm. Well, I'll take this maybe boy and go do some shopping while the rest of you boys do whatever it is you do. Thanks for the balloons, Jasper." She came over and kissed me. "I'll be back before you need to head to the airport."

"Well, we might not-"

Reed Girl cut Shorty off. "I'll be back. I promise."

I kissed her again. "Good. Have fun, baby."

"I will."

"Yeah, she will!" Shorty waved my card. "Let's go do some damage to Edward's bank account, girls."

Reed Girl shook her head. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

They left just as suddenly as they came, leaving me and the two morons standing around staring at each other. "You really don't have to keep me company. I could use the alone time to sleep."

"Really, bro? You can sleep while your girl is out cooking a baby and buying wedding dresses? I'd be freaking out if I were you."

Yeah, well, who had time? I sighed and sat on the couch. "I'm trying not to think about it."

"How can you not? A baby is coming! Your baby! While most kids were busy worrying about a monster in the closet or under the bed, we were worried about chicks bearing positive pregnancy tests!" My brother threw up his hands. "I'm not saying Bella's one of those girls, but you have to be scared as hell right now."

"Babies are a blessing. And Edward's baby is going to be awesome, just like he is," Jasper said. I noticed that he was still holding those fucking balloons. Clearly he hadn't outgrown his affinity for shiny shit after he got off the weed.

"I'm not freaking out, because I'm focusing on the now rather than the later. What's important right now is that I marry Reed Girl in the short timetable we have before she starts showing and the baby appears and the season starts and all that shit. She wants to be thin when we get married, so it's now or God knows when."

"She may never be thin again," my idiot brother announced.

I punched him in his bicep. "Shut the fuck up, dickhead. If you so much as suggest that around her, I'll kick your ass." Like Reed Girl needed more shit to worry about.

"I'm just saying, some never do. Babies stretch out their stomach and of course the pu-"

"Emmett, I swear to God, I'll call Mom and tell her you're the one who broke that vase that Dad bought her in Italy that she loved so damn much." I didn't need to worry about that shit. I had more than enough to think about without adding that to the mix.

"You wouldn't!" One look at my face gave him the answer he needed. "Fine. I was just trying to give you a safe place to talk about all your worries. You sure as hell can't tell her you're worried her body won't ever be the same."

"I wasn't worried about that until you came along! How is it helpful that you're throwing new shit at me when I haven't even wrapped my head around the other shit?"

"Motherhood is a beautiful thing. The stretch marks and anything else are just badges that show what a woman has endured to bring a new life into the world. She should be proud of them."

My brother and I turned to stare at Jasper, who in turn was still staring at the balloons.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" I asked, because he sounded like a goddamn Hallmark card or something.

"From here." He pointed at his head. "When Wife blesses me with a baby, I'm going to love every inch her stomach grows. Just like Edward's going to with Bella and you will with Rose. We don't love them because they're beautiful. We love them because of who they are. And that's only going to be more enhanced when they become mothers and when they get wrinkles and gray hair. None of our girls are going to look like they do now forever. Are you planning to leave Rose when her boobs start sagging and she starts growing hair in places that you never thought she'd grow hair before?"

My brother didn't look like he was capable of forming words. He just shook his head. It was rare for Jasper to make so much sense or at least to articulate it so clearly.

"Well, shit, Jasper, I guess you're right. I'd still be freaking out, though."

Jasper shrugged. "That's normal. But Edward and Bella aren't like most twenty-one-year-old parents-to-be, either. They don't have to worry about money, for one thing. Or deal with things like affording daycare and healthcare. They have steady jobs and can hire help for when Bella goes back to work. If she does."

Fuck. Bella and work. It hadn't even occurred to me that her job might be fucked up, too. Our kid had really shitty timing.

"We haven't even talked about her job."

"You have time. You'll figure it out," Jasper assured me. "I ordered you some baby books, by the way."

He did what, now? "Huh?"

"What to Expect When You're Expecting, so you know what's happening inside of Bella, even when you're not there to experience it. Belly Laughs, the Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth, which is supposed to be funny. I figure you can use some laughs when reading about shit like hemorrhoids."

Holy fucking shit. I had no words.

"Beyond Jennifer & Jason, Madison & Montana: What to Name Your Baby Now, assuming of course you don't want to name him or her Jasper or Jasmine."

"Emmett or Emily!" my brother boomed.

"Fuck and no," I told them both. Jesus Christ…Names? I wasn't ready for that either.

"And finally I got you The Baby and Child Question and Answer Book, which teaches brand-new parents how to do all the things that they have no idea how to do, like diapering and burping and stuff. I actually got all of us copies of that, so we can help when the baby comes."

Holy shit. I couldn't feel my legs. I sank into the nearest chair and tried to wrap my head around all of it. I couldn't. Nope. Not yet. I wasn't ready.

"Here comes the freak out!" my brother announced gleefully.

No. I was not going to freak out. Reed Girl needed me to be calm and strong. She was both of those things, so I couldn't go around losing my shit while she didn't. I'd look ridiculous. I just needed to take a few deep breaths and find my focus. She was my focus. My Bella. I could do this shit because she'd be doing it with me. I could face anything with her. Even parenthood.

"No, he's not." Jasper nodded at me when I looked up. "You're going to be a great dad, Edward."

I swallowed, though my throat felt dry as sandpaper. "I'm sure as hell going to try."

He beamed at me. "Then you'll succeed. That's what you do."

Damn right. Edward Cullen was a winner. I could win at fatherhood just like I could football. I'd read Jasper's books and memorize that shit just like I did my playbook. I could do this. I didn't really have a choice, anyway. Baby Cullen was coming in seven months. God help us all.