Author's Note: Hi all, thanks for reading Chapter 1! I realize this story is not very strong in terms of technical writing, but if I focused on that, my Fear would never let me retain the carefree attitude that's currently distracting me from her and other negative emotions. I plan to edit both chapters later on for clarity and technique. However, I really wanted to pound this out before the week started. So, here we are! Flashback to my kid self, both literally in the story and inside of me as I'm writing this :)
It wasn't characteristic of ND Anger to hang around for long after he delivered such fateful words. The brick had promptly disappeared back into the control room, but not before he grumbled at Fear to stop her night surveillance of Dream Duty. NT Disgust stayed with Fear for a bit longer, deciding that no words she could say would comfort the tall nerve. Instead of speaking, she straightened up Fear's space and unearthed some rather dusty nightclothes from her bureau. Her nose wrinkled automatically at the mothball-filled smell; it seemed that Fear had no use for pajamas.
She carefully avoided Fear's technology, not wanting her creator to believe she had the same feelings about it as Anger. NT Disgust didn't mind being monitored. Since her entire job was to present Crystal in public, the concept of privacy was comfortably foreign to her. Yet she could see why the ND emotions felt powerless amid Fear's leadership. Sighing to herself, she banished all thoughts from her head except getting her beauty sleep. Crystal needed to look extra-presentable after an anxiety attack, that was for sure.
"I would suggest sleep," she said, before giving Fear a small wave and closing the door once again.
For her part, Fear numbly followed the directions of her creation and put on the pajamas, too exhausted to care about the smell. Her heart still raced. "Hometown Glory" was playing at an exceedingly loud volume in her head, and she let her composed expression fall, almost at tears.
It was so difficult, a catch 22. To be Fear, but not to appear scared. To be a forceful leader, and to be kind. To try and change her mindset, let other emotions take control for once, all the while knowing that they were reliant on her. They had been for almost 16 years now.
Crystallia?
Fear sat up, predictably startled, then sighed. She closed her eyes, and a smile actually formed on her lips. The other emotions hadn't seen her smile in almost a month. But physical location didn't always dictate emotional closeness, not even for emotions themselves.
Hey.
At first, she cringed at the informal greeting, then realized she was in that place… and Crystal only greeted people this way when she was in that place. He would immediately know what was wrong.
Do you want to talk? The voice that entered her mind was light years from the voice that had scolded the impetuous Mind Worker, yet she knew it was still his.
Alan, I… you know I don't believe in the damsel-in-distress philosophy. Fear swallowed, thanking every deity in the sky that he couldn't see her face right now. Some days I wonder why we decided on something as binding as telepathic implants, and others… well, I don't know where I would be without you here.
Others, like now? She could sense his soft grin without hearing it. I'll repeat myself; I am the one person you must not worry for. You are not Director to me, you are not even Fear to me, you are Crystallia, and I'm sorry to say, but there are times I love you more than our girl.
We don't have to talk now. Ac/Plan will be fine. I know my stuff. You know your stuff, and the others do too.
Sometimes I wish you were one of Crystal's emotions. She wouldn't be having so many self-esteem issues, Fear replied.
Alan stayed silent for a few seconds, clearly deep in thought. His voice came out more hesitantly than usual. Avoidance may very well be the worst strategy right now, but let's just remember how we met, yes? You and Crystal tend to find a lot of answers in the past.
Alright, I can tell you're tired after math, Fear teased, only half-joking. Thank gosh she doesn't have a test tomorrow in that subject. Very well. Let's remember and then maybe I can regain the vocabulary I received back then. I sound hideous now.
Fear lay back down and dove into the past with a frenzy of longing.
The beginning. The days when they didn't have things under control. Before the NT emotions, the mind manual examinations, all of it. Fear shuddered and hastened to remind herself that the darkness of it wouldn't last long.
Headquarters. Not crowded, as it was now. Joy at the console as Crystal jumped endlessly on her trampoline, her expression giving away none of her happiness. Mind Workers entered… two. Joy and Sadness waved, Anger and Disgust gave a questioning look and Fear immediately felt uneasy.
The first Mind Worker, burly and confident, cleared his throat. "Good morning, emotions. It has come to my attention that in order to achieve maximum productivity here in the prefrontal cortex, one emotion must gain the substantial set of vocabulary required to communicate with us Mind Workers."
"Huh?" Anger burst out, frowning. Fear's heart started to palpitate. Why didn't she understand? Crystal always understood things that other kids didn't. The emotions were in charge of her mind. This was beyond concerning!
The second Mind Worker cast an amused look at the first, whispering, "We wouldn't be here if they could understand." He appeared quite a bit more modest and gave a polite smile before stepping in front of his colleague. "I'm sorry you couldn't understand that; Fear, don't worry, that was way above what anyone Crystal's age could get. What he's saying is that we know a lot more words than Crystal because we do a lot of complicated things in her brain. You guys mostly learn words as Crystal learns them. But since Crystal's getting to be older, we want one of you guys to be able to talk to us about the things we do in her mind, just so it can be better."
Burly tried to regain his previous swagger and stepped up. "It's up to you which emotion comes with us to learn the new words. It only takes a night, when Crystal is asleep."
Anger's frown had only grown deeper. "Why can't all of us learn the new words? We, as in Crystal, love reading and learning. You should know that."
Modest was unruffled. "I know. Believe me, I know Crystal. But think about it, if all of you knew words already, you wouldn't be nearly as excited to help Crystal learn them. We like being closer to an adult than a kid, that's what we love about Asperger's, but we can't make her too much of an adult. Plus, working with us is not easy, and if you just want to have fun in Headquarters, volunteering for this is not a good idea."
Quite unsatisfied, Anger gave a "hmph." "Well, I'd rather not, seeing as your plan is hardly fair," he said. Disgust nodded in agreement. "I would rather spend time with Crystal than you people, no offense. There are too many things that suck in her world, like other kids and bad cartoons."
Joy, Fear and Sadness looked at each other. Sadness spoke up. "How do we learn them in a night?"
"It will take surgery to implant all the words, " Modest said. "But there are few risks, it's not painful and we have a really good doctor at our medical building."
Joy and Sadness looked at each other again, then at Fear. "I would be happy to do it, but this sounds like I would be some sort of leader when I come back, and I don't want to be selfish."
Fear gulped but thought hard for a few moments, as she had a tendency to do. "Guys.. I'll do it. I already help Crystal with a lot and if something goes wrong in her mind, I want to be the first to know."
The other two nodded. After all, Fear was a great asset to Crystal. In moments where sensory experiences overcame Headquarters, Fear ironically happened to be the only one brave enough to get Crystal to scream and run far, far away from the dog, hairdryer, THX sound on movies or other fear. Sadness realized she would hate to have the knowledge of the Mind Workers and be unable to explain the matter to a frantic Fear.
If anything would have her in tears, that would be it.
Modest made sure all the emotions were in agreement on Fear's self-selection, and informed them he would be returning for Fear that evening. The rest of the day passed by in a blur; Fear was more scared than usual, yet knew she was about to commit a noble act and must follow through on it.
Aboard the Train of Thought with Modest, Burly and one other Mind Worker, Fear looked down at the Memory Dump. She shuddered. Why should the train be so high, made of wood, and fragile? Why should the Memory Dump cover most of the mind? Should Crystal really just forget everything?
The third Mind Worker snapped her out of her stupor, put on a white coat and confirmed to Fear that she was a doctor. "We need to start getting you to sleep if we want you to be back at Headquarters when Crystal wakes up." Fear shook, expecting a needle, one of Crystal's worst fears at the time. Her oversensitivity, combined with the fact that she needed to get monthly thyroid blood tests, caused Crystal's medical visits to be quite a debacle.
As if the doctor knew what Fear was thinking, she unearthed a mask from her coat and set up an apparatus filled with wires, some of which she placed on Fear. "This won't hurt," she promised the trembling emotion. She gently set the mask on Fear's face and asked her to count backwards from ten. Before Fear reached seven, the anesthetic had done its work.
Each Mind Worker gave a contented sigh, happy to return to their usual method of communication- serious, unemotional commands. Emotions were really a struggle to handle. They were so much more immature than just about any Mind Worker, and yet they ran Crystal's mind. The logic rarely matched up. Little did these Mind Workers know that in most minds, they were the immature ones. Crystal's neurodiverse brain prized logic more than even adult minds.
At the Mind Workers' medical complex, Fear was turned over to the renowned surgeon, who completed the procedure without any complications.
As she woke up, Fear felt dim but somehow… sharp. She couldn't explain it… wait, yes she could, was that… a verbal explanation she could deliver? Oh, ah, this surgery was for her vocabulary. That made so much more sense. Fear shook her head from side to side and tried to clear her vision. Meanwhile, a single beep emitted from a machine next to her bed.
Immediately, a Mind Worker entered the room. He offered no greeting, just sat down at the foot of the bed, grabbing what seemed to be a handful of cards. Holding up one of them, he asked Fear, "Is this circle shaded more than halfway?"
"Yes," Fear replied, "three-fourths, to be exact." The Mind Worker tilted his chin in approval, proceeding to flip to the next card. Fear was asked question after question, wondering why she needed to be asked such easy questions. However, being a conflict-avoider, she decided that now was not the right time to protest.
At last, the Mind Worker put down his cards and picked up what seemed to be a large index card. "Can you read this, then tell me what it means using words you didn't know before you left Headquarters?"
Fear read it easily. "It has come to my attention that in order to achieve maximum productivity here in the prefrontal cortex, one emotion must gain the substantial set of vocabulary required to communicate with us Mind Workers." Wait. That was what Burly had said. Now she understood! A surge of satisfaction coursed through Fear's body. She bounced a little in the bed, upsetting a machine that gave off a louder beep. For the first time, the Mind Worker's lips turned up. "Now for your new synonyms?"
"I have been notified that an effective, smooth brain can only be achieved by one of the emotions learning advanced technological terminology that Mind Workers have mastery over."
"That's good. Not perfect- a bit of a run on, not an exact match- but definitely what we're intending to see. I'm going to invite Dr. Oliver in here now; he was your surgeon today. He'll do a quick post-op checkup and then we can transport you back to Headquarters. Is that acceptable?"
"Y-yes," Fear replied, still a bit mesmerized, but proud she was able to follow his commands under pressure. Her mouth opened almost instinctively. "Um, sir- I'll try my absolute best to perfect my abilities."
"Well, we will continue to run Crystal's mind efficiently until then. But yes, we will set you up to practice with us and learn about the mind. A procedure can't accomplish every necessary step." The Mind Worker opened the door, allowing Dr. Oliver to pass into Fear's room.
The doctor's checkup was quick and non-invasive, as promised. Fear was amazed that her head barely felt sore, although the doctor was quick to remind her that brain surgery inside the brain didn't work quite the same way it did outside. She smiled at that and thanked Dr. Oliver as he left the room.
"I know I must return to Headquarters, but I almost would rather start learning about this mind now. You all are intelligent beyond my vocabulary! Even my new one," she joked to the younger Mind Worker. "Before I go, I'm so curious that I'm wondering who you are- a doctor? And where am I?" A combination of eagerness and stress overcame Fear.
"No, I'm not a doctor. I am simply an intern in this department. My aptitude test score was the highest among all Mind Workers my age, so I was placed on the track to a higher-level position. I have to gain experience in every department as part of my training. It is quite prolonged, but very helpful." He smirked a little. "I was only sent in to you on the off chance that you would have attacked Dr. Oliver. He's too valuable to get hurt, we shall say. As are the rest of the medical personnel.
You're on Planning Island currently; don't you know already based on our high level of organization?"
Fear's look morphed from inquisitive to disapproving to amused. He could be hurt, but not Dr. Oliver? She would be terrified of standing in his shoes, though she appreciated the logical order of things, which was all too often lacking in Headquarters.
"You still didn't inform me of your name," Fear commented.
"Ah, yes… I suppose I can tell you. I'm Alan."
To the Fear of the present, past Fear's lack of a reaction was the punchline of a joke. Past Fear gave a nod. That was all. But that was the beginning. A beautiful beginning, in fact. Fear couldn't have wished it to go any differently.
You're a genius, taking me out of the present for a while, Fear thought at Alan. Oh my gosh, I was so different back then.
And I… kind of was? Alan replied. Should we keep going?
Yes! Fear thought-screamed, sounding more like ND Joy. Despite the mess of this day, despite everything Fear had said and done in 16 years, despite who she and the other emotions were… at the end of the day, Crystal was still a teenager, and in a way… so was she.
Next time, I'm planning to delve into Crystal's late elementary and middle school years, which were really critical to the formation of her mind as it is currently. Fear and Alan will be front and center, but I don't intend for the next few chapters to center as much on their romance as this one. Please be patient with me as I try to brainstorm the way Crystal's neurodiverse mind looks- my neurotypical emotions have really blotted out much of the way I thought as a younger person and I'm attempting to get that back. There is something beautiful about it, which Fear and Crystal will eventually learn too. Stay tuned!