Chapter 4 (2020)
Disclaimer: I do not own Inside Out.
Note: All of the emotions in this chapter are the ND (neurodiverse) emotions. Just to be clear, she has the same five as Riley! The four (yes, four- I will explain that later and realize I made a mathematical error) NT (neurotypical) emotions will not be appearing until Crystal's pre-teen years.
Aside from the opening paragraphs, this chapter covers Crystal's early life. I hope you enjoy!
If there was one thing Fear was truly proud of, it was her and Crystal's natural affinity for hard work. Even without her Director at the console, Crystal rarely let anything slide, whether it was a small assignment, kind thank you note to an uncle or grandmother, or an opportunity to please one of her teachers. Adults had recognized Crystal's maturity early, and rewarded her accordingly.
Fear knew that she and the Mind Workers were responsible for this maturity, not the other emotions. If she could hit the sweet spot between Crystal's neurodiverse intellect and a neurotypical social persona, Crystal would be beloved by all the world.
The key to this was strict organization, study, and hard work. Because there was a time when Crystal's mind possessed none of these attributes. Though her neurodiverse colleagues raved about its beauty, it was a time Fear desired to learn from and forget.
When light infiltrated Headquarters for the first time, the cells inside, basic as they were, strained towards it. Every chemical bond, proton, neutron and electron in the brain instinctively knew that it had originated from a star, of which their planet was only an accomplice. The Sun was a fairly ordinary star, in the grand scheme of the universe, but a radiant and unique star nonetheless.
Two cells had undergone a fascinating transformation. It was a wonder, how the long strands of inanimate chemicals bound together, pulled apart, traversed in the space of Crystal's mother's womb, and converged to form a whole new organism. The moment of light was something that all of these cells had been preparing for, especially those in the brain, naturally chosen to command.
So when the light came, there was delight in the air, just for a millisecond- but it was enough, enough to acknowledge the beauty, the wonder, the impossible possibility of Crystal's birth on an obscure planet in a mostly-empty universe. The light could be compared to the birth of the universe itself, the way that nothing became something, the sudden, thrilling rush of the larger world as it expanded before Crystal's eyes.
But the beauty lasted only an instant, difficult to see, before the results of millions of years of Earth-bound evolution materialized inside Headquarters and marked her as human. Human: advanced in a way never seen before, loving in a way never seen before, cruel and flawed in a way never seen before. And from then on it became Crystal's task, the one she shared with her species, to take that millisecond to appreciate her fortune. Otherwise, competing human forces would war with each other until they returned to the Earth from which they had come.
The first force materialized in a sea of red, blinked, and looked around. Anger: a sea of solid red particles in the shape of a brick, taut and ready to initiate aggression at any time. He was dressed in solid, tightly-fitting garments, which only added to his taut appearance.
A nurse's hands cradled the baby Crystal as she lifted her out of her mother's womb. The light on the screen was blinding and dazzling, the temperature unbearably cold, the voices harsh and grating against the baby's ears. Anger felt all of these sensations and, somehow sensing his role, rushed to the single button that had just materialized. He pressed it. It lit up red, and Crystal let out a harsh, loud, LONG cry, kicking her tiny feet against the nurse's hands. Anger knew instinctively that his girl missed the womb, and wanted to go back.
The nurse laughed good-naturedly and said "no lung suction needed!", her mother smiled weakly as the doctor repaired the c-section, and her father had tears of joy streaming down his face. Baby Crystal, however, paid no attention to anything but the fact she was being carried away from her mother, the only home she had ever known. As Crystal was placed on a small table to be cleaned, Anger maintained his hold on the button. But Crystal herself was starting to feel something else…
"Uh- hello?" came a meek, feminine voice from behind Anger.
Anger whirled around, still trying to orient himself. He did not know that he could speak, but he did so instinctually: "Who are you? Are you here for this baby? I'm mad that she just got taken away from Mommy…" he said, a spark emerging from the top of his head.
The lean, tall emotion shivered at his words and failed to answer his first question in her haste. "That's not good! Is she safe? Is she okay over there?" She sprinted towards the button and moved Anger's hand away, turning it purple. "I have a feeling I can fix this."
Crystal's sharp cries ceased, but her heart rate sped up, still insecure at being away from her mother. However, the nurse patted Crystal good-naturedly and cooed, "that's right, baby girl, I'm cleaning you up, and you'll feel better real soon, okay?"
Neither emotion could yet understand her words, but they both felt the comfort of the nurse's pat and how much nicer it was not to scream. Anger's temper calmed and though he felt uneasy, it was preferable to his previous rage. "Wow, you're good at this," he said, looking down at his own hands and wondering at what point he would be more useful than his colleague.
The purple emotion smiled, "Uh, thanks. I-I'm Fear. You?"
"I'm Anger… do you need help with anything?"
Fear smiled nervously and held up a hand. "No, that's okay, I prefer it when she's not angry… I think my job is to keep her safe, doesn't that sound like a good idea right now?"
Anger conceded the point, feeling unsure of why he had even appeared first… "Nice to meet you, Fear," he started off, and then gritted his teeth as he admitted, "Yeah, it does. Um, I'll leave you alone." He retreated away from the button as Fear cringed away from the fire that had just illuminated on his head.
That one moment of frustration and purposelessness defined most of Anger's waking life. Whenever he motivated Crystal to take a risk, to lash out, he would always end up regretting it and handing the console to his purple colleague, who could manage the situation in a way that felt much more acceptable to Crystal's mind.
Crystal herself grew up sensitive, docile, sweet, and unaware that part of her humanity was being suppressed in a small corner of her brain.
She was a beloved baby and toddler; every member of her extended family wanted to come and see the product of her two loving and intelligent parents. Many braved long flights and car trips to the remote area where Crystal's mother had landed a job, enthusiastic to see the baby develop.
By the time Crystal had been brought to her parents' townhome, five emotions had emerged in her Headquarters: after Anger and Fear, Joy had appeared when Crystal nursed with her mother, Sadness emerged when that experience ended due to a doctor needing to check her mother's vitals, and Disgust arose as Crystal felt a certain sticky sensation near the back of her lower body. Each exerted their influence on the single button in turn, and each began to discover their basic capabilities during Crystal's hospital stay.
Fear, though, was most masterful at the art of having Crystal cry out when she needed something, and stop when she became satisfied. The shrill cries that Anger produced grated unpleasantly against everyone's ears, and Sadness's blubbering upsets lasted far too long. Thankfully, safety was not a difficult objective for the young Crystal to achieve. Her parents were attentive to a fault, and she had all of her basic needs taken care of.
One of the emotions' greatest upsets came during a visit, when Crystal was suddenly passed from the comforting, familiar embrace of her mother into a strong, foreign hug by her paternal grandmother. "What a sweetie pie!" the woman cooed, rocking Crystal up and down, the way that her own children and younger siblings had liked it. She had gone through many positive experiences, but seeing her son and his lovely wife produce a child would go down as one of the greatest. She was so very excited to have a granddaughter!
Her excitement, however, was not mirrored by the emotions. They had quickly learned that most humans- with the exception of Crystal's parents- spoke much too loudly for their taste, and baby Crystal voiced her discontent in turn. The overwhelming and uncertain sensory experience of being held by the woman wiped Joy's excited smile right off her face.
All of the emotions but Joy rushed to the button, but paused uncertainly as soon as they arrived. Naturally sensitive, Sadness took a step back, and tears started to form on her face. This left Fear, Disgust and Anger to decide who would provide the response.
"Remember the time with the nurse?" Fear asked Anger. "I should keep Crystal safe in the same way this time."
Anger felt that same sense of frustration, but stepped back, and Disgust quickly followed. Fear pushed the button, which lit up purple. Outside, Crystal let out a scared cry and looked at her mom, tears falling from her face.
"Don't take it personally, Wilma, you know how they are so young," Crystal's mother said, reaching out her arms for her baby.
"Oh, I do!" Crystal's grandmother asserted, ignoring the arms. She was going to hold her granddaughter for more than thirty seconds! "I know you want your mommy, sweetheart, but maybe a bottle will help!" Her husband pulled a bottle out of the fridge, and she pressed it up to Crystal's lips. Unfortunately, this proved a bit useless. Crystal's crying and writhing went on, and all of the adults stared at her with a perplexed expression. This baby was particularly sensitive to outsiders, it seemed…
"Oh, Crystal," her mom sighed to break the tension, taking the baby back more forcefully from the grandmother's arms. Fear released her hold on the button, and the emotions relaxed as they felt the familiar sensation and scent of Crystal's mother. "It's okay, Wilma, you can hold her when she's asleep," her mom added, wiping some of the discontent off Crystal's grandmother's face. Her father began to recount a football game he had watched, distracting the eager grandparents from his precious daughter.
From then on, Fear initiated the same procedure whenever Crystal was held by anyone other than her mother and father. Only with those two was there safety. The task fell upon Crystal's mother to explain to unhappy extended family members why she wouldn't give Crystal up to be held.
Raising Crystal was a battle, even though her parents would never fully admit that. Not only was the young girl emotionally sensitive, but she immediately began to show signs of stomach issues and high susceptibility to cold viruses. In all of these physical moments, Headquarters was rather chaotic. A shaken Joy would curl up with the sobbing Sadness, Disgust would be pressing button after button to make her discontent known, and Anger's fiery head would ignite for hours. Physical pain was hard to take for all of the emotions, but especially Fear. The console lit up bright purple whenever she laid a finger on it, and Crystal would cry out in terror and uncertainty as her parents unsuccessfully attempted to calm her.
When Crystal transitioned from a vulnerable newborn to a curious toddler, though, her personality came into full view- this included the eccentricities that enabled Crystal to succeed, as well as those which were difficult to deal with.
Sadness was in charge as Crystal propped herself up on the floor, rifling through the pages of interactive picture books and feeling the strange surfaces. Though she could not read the words yet, she studied the pages intently. Hundreds of memory orbs came rolling into Headquarters regardless of the emotion controlling the console; Crystal, it seemed, desired to commit all of the newfound graphics to memory.
Some of Crystal's relatives were perplexed by Crystal's focus as she read and played. Most kids' Joys came out in full force during these times, but Crystal's Sadness, combined with the processing centers outside HQ (which the emotions were not yet constantly communicating with), found much of her purpose in these sessions. It was an early version of happy tears- the world was so intricate, so advanced, so beautiful to Crystal, that only Sadness' intensity could fully help her express this.
Fear was also a vital link in playtime. Though it was appropriate for Crystal to intensely appreciate the picture books, she knew that there were some objects that, if appreciated too much, would cause her girl harm. Fear also controlled much of Crystal's interaction with her parents. Like with many aspects of her neurodiversity, the trust between Crystal and her parents was intensified to a level not seen in most toddlers. Crystal did not literally fear her parents, but they, in a sense, were responsible for teaching Fear her job. They pointed out dangerous objects and areas, and, before Crystal could understand language, lifted her away from safety hazards. Fear took all of this in attentively and used the Memory Orbs to teach Crystal the big "no-nos" of toddler life.
This was not to say that Joy remained inactive. Whenever Crystal was feeding off her mother (or later in her high chair), being lifted up by one of her parents, or in a quiet space that she could explore, her exuberant Joy came out in full force. Joy was incredibly shy toward her colleagues, but formed a good relationship early on with each of them. Under her influence, Crystal would smile, wriggle around in excitement, or laugh.
On sunny days where her mother would lie in the manicured grass and lift Crystal above her head, the light in the girl's eyes seemed nearly as bright as that of the sun, never-ending and all-consuming. Joy herself would push a button, jump her way to the back of Headquarters and back, then press another. Though she said little, her waves of exuberance spoke loudly and clearly to her colleagues, who backed off for a little while and shared in her delight.
It was a time not free of suffering, but free of societal influence: a time that Crystal would never be able to remember, nor return to.
But perhaps the most glorious months of all were those where Crystal could remain sheltered from society as she developed a gift: language.
I will admit that the baby scenes were a bit boring to write, since I can only go off of what my parents have said about me. I also respect them enough not to write from their perspectives. Hopefully I haven't bored you to tears. The pseudoscientific birth scene was highly enjoyable to write, however. As you can tell, I am a science nerd (and am missing my biology class dearly during this pandemic).
I am also an English nerd, French nerd, politics nerd… the list goes on! This is why I am looking forward to writing the next chapter, when Crystal develops language. It will focus on preschool and elementary school, and contain a lot more dialogue, seeing as I have actual memories from that time and the emotions are linguistically maturing.
Also, COVID-19… got real big, real fast. Please practice social distancing and stay home if you can, even when you don't feel sick. I will not be leaving the house very much- this fanfic is powering me through my shaky and lonely feelings about it all. You are welcome to PM me if you just need someone to talk to (no asking for personal info though). Remember, it is okay to not be okay, just remember to get support. Wash your hands, listen to the WHO/CDC… and stay well.