A/N Happy National Eat Your Jello Day! It is also Simplicity Day, which sounds darn good to me. Don't you hate those nights where you just can't sleep? I legit was watching an episode of Orange is the New Black at 2 AM bc I was still awake. Needless to say, I'm attempting to nap right after I post this. Here's hoping it actually works for me.

Also hoping that FF works for me. When I tried to upload this chapter, I got errors. Had to go to a previously loaded chapter, erase everything and paste the new one. I'm hoping that does the trick.

Thank you for all the love last week for Chelsea and the kittens :) True story, when I went to the SPCA to get a kitten, almost 8 years ago to this day, I planned on just one. Lily caught my eye and I went to look at her and Logan shoved her out of the way to get to me. He definitely picked me. I couldn't bear to separate them, so I ended up with two as well. Called my mom and told her I'd gotten twins. hehe So that's sorta where that came from :) My kittens are 8 years old now...where has the time gone? Anyway, I'm glad you guys loved it and I loved hearing your own pet shelter stories. Shelter pets are the best ones!

I keep getting asked how many chapters are left. I still can't answer that, but we're definitely nearing the end. I might be done at 50? But I'm still not sure. Have to see how the next couple develop. But yes, the chapter you're all waiting for is next :) And we get a reunion here, so that's always fun. At least I hope so! Have a great week and I'll see you soon!

Getting Blitzed Chapter 44

"And if the corner is showing blitz, you check down to the hot read. Did you get that, Dani? The hot read."

Reed Girl's giggles tickled my face where my cheek rested against her belly. "What on earth are you reading to our daughter?"

I kissed her belly and shot her a grin. "My playbook. Just brushing up while we wait." As I spoke, Dani kicked where my head lay on her mother. "She likes it."

Reed Girl stroked her fingers through my hair. "She likes hearing your voice, not your boring football talk."

I smirked at her. "She likes it much better than that crap you were reading her about Vlad and his throbbing member. You probably scared her. She probably doesn't want to come out for fear of lusty Russians."

My wife laughed like a mad woman. "His name was Vaslov. And she's going to come out right on time, in just over a month. Thank God."

One month until I was officially a father. Our due date had been moved up a bit, to early May, since Reed Girl's first doctor was a moronic asshole. I knew that guy was a hack. Thank God Reed Girl was up here with awesome, smarter, female doctors. Much better.

I shot Reed Girl a look. "I thought you didn't read any more than that little passage, but you sure committed that name to memory well enough."

"I might have been curious and read a little more."

I smirked at that. "How much more? That book was like a thousand pages." A thousand pages of smut. Right up Renee's alley.

Reed Girl actually blushed. Fucking hilarious.

"You read the whole thing, didn't you?"

"Well, I got curious! First I needed to read the sex scene because I had to read the payoff after the build-up. Then I wanted to know what happened to her."

I laughed as I sat up to kiss her. "You read all the smut you want, Reed Girl. I don't mind. Especially if it teaches you anything new we can use."

She snorted. "As if we can use it right now. I'm a cow."

"You are not a cow."

But she was right about the sexual experimentation. Those glorious days of sex hormones had passed. We could still do it, but it was a lot more difficult now, and she certainly wasn't as into it as she had been. The book said that was normal, but I didn't like it.

"I'm fat and uncomfortable, and I'm ready for her to get out of me."

Fuck. Non-happy tears were forming in her eyes. Time to fix it.

"You're beautiful, always."

She sniffled at that.

"And of course you're uncomfortable. But don't cry, baby. She'll be joining us soon. And you don't want to have a blotchy face when everyone gets here, do you?"

"What do I care? I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to cry if I want to."

She had a pretty cute pout going on, but I didn't want it to turn into a full-on sobfest. It could happen at the drop of a hat. The last month of pregnancy was clearly the most dangerous one for fathers-to-be.

Fucking hell. "Yes, but if you're crying, my mom will think I did something to upset you. And Blondie will kick my ass. Do you really want me to get beaten up by our family when I haven't done anything wrong?"

"No. I guess not." She wiped at her eyes as I barked out a laugh.

"You guess not? Thanks, Reed Girl. I'm feeling the love."

She pulled me to her, as close as I could get, which wasn't nearly close enough these days. Our daughter was getting rather big. At bad moments, Reed Girl blamed me for that as well; like it was my fault she was tall. Hell, it probably was. The kid had Cullen genes. She was fortunate, which I reminded Reed Girl of when she started getting pissy.

"I'm sorry. You know I love you. I'm just so damn uncomfortable." She squirmed around as much as she could on our bed.

I helped her sit up. "I know you are, baby. But you're about to get fussed over and pampered beyond belief for the next few days. My mom isn't going to let you lift a finger all weekend."

"Maybe. But you won't be here."

Damn right I wouldn't. I thought I was doing pretty well with this whole fatherhood thing, at least from where I'd been about six months ago. But one thing I was not doing, and would never do, was a fucking baby shower. Fuck that noise. Call me sexist, call me an asshole, call me whatever, but that was for girls. Period. End of story. That was mine, and I was sticking to it.

"Reed Girl, you know I love you back. And you know I'd do anything for you. Anything short of attending a baby shower. I don't want to be there, and if you really think about it, I doubt you'd want me there either."

She pursed her lips for a few seconds before letting out a little laugh. "I suppose you're right. I don't want you hearing labor stories and freaking out for the final few weeks we have left."

Exactly. Listening to baby horror stories wouldn't be good for my mindset, which was a lot more positive these days.

"Yep. And you really don't want me opening shit like breast pumps and diaper genies." Both of which she'd registered for, thank you very much. "Nor do you want Emmett and Jasper around, or do you?"

I couldn't think of much worse than my brother running around at a baby shower. And Jasper would probably give random advice on lactating or something. God only knew with him. He had weird shit in his head.

"Good point. That wouldn't be good." My wife grinned at me. "I'll just miss you, is all."

"I'll miss you, too." I kissed her gently. "But it's the last time we'll be apart until after Dani's born. And I owe Jasper this guys' weekend."

"I know. He and Emmett are really excited about it." Her lips twitched. "I can't wait to hear how it goes."

I shrugged. "It's just Atlantic City. Gambling and maybe a little drinking if they want."

Reed Girl cupped my cheek. "You know you can drink, too. I'm not there to be left out, and I want you to have fun."

I shook my head. "I might have a drink or two, but I'm not getting drunk. No point when my wife isn't there to have fun with."

That made her smile. "Yeah? You still want to have fun with me when I'm as big as house and hormonal? It must be love."

"Yes." I kissed her hard. "It is. And I'd show you just how much fun I want to have with you if they weren't going to knock on our door any minute now."

She laughed and snuggled into me. "We'll have to pencil the fun in once they leave."

"Sounds good to me, baby." Maybe the sex hormones weren't completely gone. Thank fuck for that. "The instant we see them drive away, I'm going to jump you. And fuck the pencil. Put that down in permanent ink."

Reed Girl grinned. "Consider it done." She sighed and shifted. "Now, will you help me get up? We should get downstairs because you're right, they'll be here soon."

I got up and pulled her to her feet. She was definitely having issues with her balance these days. Secretly I thought of her like those weeble-wobble toys I'd had when I was a kid. I was smart enough not to say that shit out loud, though.

"Will you help me get on my shoes?" she asked, biting her lip.

I hurried to do her bidding. Last week, after her music classes, she'd burst into tears because she'd worn two shoes that didn't match. Apparently she'd laughed it off at the actual class, but when she got home to me, it was tear-city. She'd been sure I didn't love her anymore because I hadn't noticed her feet when she'd left the house. Since then, I'd taken it upon myself to make damn sure that her shoes matched before she went anywhere, even though she'd apologized for being insane and thinking anything so stupid in the first place. I loved her beyond words, even if she was a little crazy these days. Hell, if I was being honest, it was mostly hilarious, the shit she got worked up about.

"I'm on it, baby." I grabbed some flats and held her hands while she slipped them on.

"Thank you. You're so sweet to put up with me."

I laughed and hugged her. "You've put up with a lot worse from me over the past couple years. And I'm partially at fault for the state you're in."

She laughed. "Partially, huh?"

"It takes two to tango, baby. You forgot your pills, so that part is on you. I have super sperm, so that part is on me. Fifty-fifty responsibility." Sort of. I thought the spread was higher in her favor in reality, but again, I wasn't saying shit that was going to upset her. Pregnant women were like a bomb ready to go off anytime and any place. No thank you. Not today.

"You totally think it's more my fault, don't you?" she asked, smirking.

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Yes, you do. You just don't want to make me cry again."

I wasn't going to bite. She was trying to lure me into saying something stupid. Pregnant women were crafty like that. But I was way too smooth for that shit. "I don't think it's about fault, baby. Dani might not have been planned, but she's certainly not a mistake or something either of us should take the blame for. She's a gift."

Yup, I nailed it. And just like that, the tears were back. But they were happy ones. I could totally tell the difference now. I hugged her to me and let her cry it out.

"She is a gift. Our miracle."

"You're both my miracles."

She tilted her head up, and I kissed her.

"I love you. You're my miracle," she told me when we broke apart.

"I love you, too." I wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Now, no more crying until the family gets here."

Reed Girl laughed. "So I have to keep it together for the next ten minutes? Piece of cake."

"Are you sure about that, baby?" Really, these days, that wasn't a sure thing at all.

That got me a smack on the ass, but at least she was laughing.

"Yes. It's going to take me at least that long to get down the stairs."

I laughed and scooped her up. "Nope, you'll have to spend those ten minutes another way. I've got you."

She curled into me as I carried her out of our bedroom. "Yeah, you do."

Xoxoxoxox

We opened the door together, even though I knew I was going to be invisible the instant everyone laid eyes on Reed Girl. Sure enough, my mom totally ignored me to throw her arms around my wife.

"Bella! Look at you! You're positively glowing! You're so beautiful! And how's my gorgeous granddaughter doing today? Hello, Dani. It's your Grandma Esme. I can't wait until you're here. You just rest up in there and get ready for all the fun we're going to have together!"

Yes, my mother was cooing into Reed Girl's stomach. I couldn't say shit, though. I talked to Dani all the time these days. The book said it was a good thing to do. I'd also read some studies that said she was already learning in there, so speaking to her was important. Yet another reason why my wife didn't need to be reading smutty books to her. Who knew what she might be retaining? It wasn't a chance I was willing to take.

"Edward!" At least someone was happy to see me. Of course that someone was Jasper, but beggars couldn't be choosers. I gave him a half hug, since he was loaded down with bags and presents. My brother was in the same state.

Clearly, my mother had been busy. Not that this was news. We seemed to get new packages every other day filled with baby stuff. We could have twenty babies and probably not use everything we already had. My mom was insane.

"Edward, there's more stuff in the car." That was my mom's acknowledgement of me. Nice.

"You know, she didn't get pregnant alone. There wouldn't be a baby without me. You could at least say hello to your own flesh and blood," I muttered as I stomped over to the rental car. She'd loved me once upon a time. Clearly that was only because of my potential to bring her a grandchild. Now that she had one, I was superfluous.

I grabbed more gift bags and another suitcase from the trunk. I was more than a little alarmed by the amount of shit they'd brought with them. They were planning to leave in a few days, right? We weren't being invaded until Dani arrived, were we?

I turned around and had to stop before plowing right into my mom.

"What? I got it."

"You know I love you and that I'm happy to see you. You'll always be my baby boy." Mom planted a kiss on my cheek since I was unable to defend myself with my hands full.

"Yeah, yeah. I see where I am on your hierarchy. It's Bella, baby, baby stuff, bags, Edward." It was my right to give her shit since she'd ignored me.

Mom laughed. "You never did like to share, even as a child. But I'm sorry. I admit I got a little carried away over my first grandbaby."

"A little?" I asked, lifting the fistful of bags.

"A lot. I'm allowed. Grandmas get to spoil grandbabies. But I wouldn't forget about my son. One of those bags contains my famous double-fudge brownies, along with my chocolate chip cookies."

No shit? "Which one?" Then it hit me. "Are they for me…or Bella?"

Mom shook her head and took the blue bag. "This one. And they're for both of you. Your days of being a selfish sweet-hog are over. Just wait until Dani's taking them from you."

I had to admit, I was looking forward to that day. "I'll share with Bella and the baby. Not Emmett."

Mom laughed. "Then I suggest you hide that bag somewhere. He doesn't know about it, or it wouldn't have made the flight."

Good point. I hurried inside, dumping everything but the blue bag in the hallway. I ran downstairs and hid that shit behind the books, because that was pretty much the last place Emmett would ever look for anything. He wasn't much of a reader, needless to say. Of course I popped a couple of brownies before I went back to greet our guests.

"Edward, where were you?" Reed Girl wrapped her arms around me.

"Just had to put something away, baby. No big thing."

Her eyes narrowed and she sniffed. "Why do you smell lik-"

I planted a giant kiss on her before she could finish her question.

"Damn, bro. We know how you got in this position. You don't need to do a reenactment in front of your family."

I flipped my brother off as I broke the kiss with Reed Girl. "Mom brought us brownies and cookies. Emmett doesn't know. I hid them behind your Austen books," I whispered in her ear, nipping on her lobe just to make it look like I couldn't keep my hands off her. Well, I couldn't, so it wasn't an act. And she could never question my love for her again, as far as I was concerned. Sharing my chocolate with her should be proof enough.

Reed Girl giggled. "Got it," she murmured back. "We have to store up, since we're going to be apart for a couple days."

"Aren't you out of the honeymoon stage yet?" Blondie demanded. She wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "Hello, Edward."

"Hey, Blondie."

I got a hug and hello from Shorty, too.

"It's nice to finally get some attention."

Everyone laughed. "Sure, you've been so deprived all your life." Blondie put a hand on Reed Girl's belly. "You can't blame us for being a bit more focused on the little one."

I smirked. "Yeah, I get it."

"Now that everyone's said hello, how about you show us the baby's room?" Mom demanded. "I've seen pictures, but I want to see it in person."

"Yeah. I need to get to work." Jasper ran off to get something as we herded everyone upstairs.

The oohing and aahing that Emily and Kim had done over the room were repeated at five times the volume with my mom and Shorty exclaiming over everything.

"The piano! It's the cutest thing I've ever seen." Mom threw her arms around me. "You did an awesome job, Edward."

That was more like it. I grinned at her. "Well, it's not the pink monstrosity you probably have going on at your house, but I think it's pretty awesome."

"It's not all pink." Mom sniffed. "I used a lot of purple as well. It's only fair that she gets something girly! This could be a boy's room."

"With a few less bears, maybe," Blondie said. "I think it's gorgeous, though."

"It is!" my mom hurried to agree. "I'm just saying, it's very gender neutral except for the piano."

"I'll take care of that," Jasper announced, coming into the room with a giant suitcase. He dropped it down, flipped it open, and revealed a fuck-ton of art supplies. "I have plans."

"Uhhh," I started, but Reed Girl squeezed my hand.

"We look forward to it, Jasper."

Before I could protest, she leaned into me. "Alice sent me a picture of what he was designing. It's great. Trust me."

And I did. So we left Jasper to his work. I could always get it painted over if he fucked it up.

We hung out and chatted. We got to open some of the presents that were "just because" rather than shower related. My mom was fucking insane. She'd gotten a mobile for the crib that totally matched, along with some more clothes. My kid was probably never going to have to wear the same outfit twice between all of the shit we'd gotten her and whatever the shower would bring.

Jasper worked through lunch, and eventually he called us upstairs. The door was closed, and on the front of it, he'd painted Dani's Domain in pink cursive, with a few colorful butterflies flying around the words.

"Oh, Jaspy! I love the door!" Shorty exclaimed, planting a big kiss on him.

I had to admit, it looked good. "That's really cool, Jasper."

Reed Girl, of course, teared up and gave him a big hug. "It's beautiful."

Jasper smiled. "I'm glad you like it. And now, presenting Dani's Domain!"

He pushed open the door, and we all filed in. I had to admit, it was pretty badass. He'd painted a giant teddy bear on the wall, giving it a pink bow and dress so it wasn't totally like Bob. The teddy bear was playing with a cat that looked exactly like Rainbow, right down to the golden eyes. The wall over the crib had a rainbow curving over the bear head. The colors disappeared into some flowers.

And the coolest thing, at least in my eyes, were the music notes that he'd painted on the wall above the piano. They were being carried off by butterflies like the ones on the door.

"So. That's it. I mean, I can do more, but I thought I'd keep it simple. If there's anything you don't like…" He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking nervous as hell.

"It's beautiful," my wife whispered, tears coursing down her face freely again.

"Happy tears," I announced as Shorty, Blondie, and my mom started to fuss over her. "It's awesome, man. Thanks." I started to hold out a hand to him, but fuck. I knew what Jasper wanted. So I gave him a hug.

"You really like it?" he asked, beaming at me. "You're not just saying that?"

"It's cool, really. It's definitely more girly, but in a good way. Dani's going to love it."

"It's fantastic!" My mom had that look in her eye. I knew what it meant. "We'll have to get together to talk about the room I have for her at home. How are you with castles?"

Jasper chuckled. "I can probably do one. We'll work it out."

Reed Girl threw her arms around him. "I love it. Thank you so much. It's even more perfect than I imagined. You're so talented!"

He hugged her back. "I'm just glad you liked it."

"He's been perfecting it for months, I swear," Shorty told us, dancing around the room. "It's so great, Jaspy!"

"Yeah, I think we're all going to have to have you do our kids rooms-when it happens," Emmett hurried to add at the raised eyebrows he was getting.

"I'd love to," Jasper promised. I swear he had the same pregnancy glow that Reed Girl had. I couldn't blame him, though. He'd scored big with this one. I owed him big time for the joy I saw on my wife's face.

"Everything's on me this weekend," I told him. "Thank you for this. Really. It's beyond awesome."

Jasper smiled. "I won't say no to that."

"Speaking of that, we need to hit the road," my brother boomed. "Ladies, we'll see you in two days."

"Damn, Em, give us a few minutes to get our shit together."

Mom smacked the back of my head. "Not in front of the baby!"

Reed Girl laughed. "I've already resigned myself to the fact that she'll probably know all the curse words before she knows our names."

I pulled her into my arms. "I've cut back, baby. You have to admit it!"

"Yes, you have." She kissed me softly. "Go. Have fun, and give Jasper whatever he wants this weekend. He deserves it."

The smirk on his face made me a little nervous. "Within reason, baby. Some things, and people, are not on the menu."

Jasper burst into laughter. "I have what I want." He put an arm around Shorty. "But I wouldn't say no to a first-class weekend."

"That I can provide. Let's hit the road."

Xoxoxoxoxox

"What a weekend!" Jasper grinned at the money he'd received from the cashier before stuffing it into his wallet. He definitely had reason to smile. He'd made about two grand playing poker. I didn't know if he was a secret savant or if he used his psych talents to read his opponents or what, but he'd cleaned up.

I couldn't complain, either. I'd won a grand. Emmett was down a few hundred. We'd had a good time, though; that was the important thing.

"So do you think we can head home now, or do you think they're still lost in babyland?" my brother asked as he steered us onto the highway.

"I think Mom's going to be in babyland for as long as we're capable of procreating," I muttered, making everyone laugh.

"Shit, dude. You don't know the half of it. She's got the house outfitted already. If you're in need of a babysitter for the next couple years, Mom's your woman."

I knew it! "She's totally going to kidnap my daughter, isn't she?"

Emmett let out a hoot of laughter. "I wouldn't put it past her. Don't worry, though. Dad would rat her out after a couple weeks."

I laughed. "It would only take a couple seconds to figure out whodunit in that case."

"She's just excited. We all are." Jasper smiled dreamily. "Who doesn't want a cute little baby to cuddle?"

Christ. Jasper and his cuddles. That shit would never change, even if he wasn't getting high anymore.

"It's hard to believe that we're only a month away." I was counting down the days at this point. I wasn't uncomfortable like Reed Girl, but I was just as ready as she was to bring our daughter into the world.

"Are you ready?" my brother asked, shaking me out of my thoughts.

"Of course. I'm more than ready for her to get here. And Reed Girl is chomping at the bit."

My brother laughed. "No doubt. She looks ready to pop."

"Don't say that shit to her. I swear to God, if you make her cry, I will kick your ass."

"Chill, bro. I won't upset Bella. Rosie would kick it for you, anyway."

That was true. Blondie was meaner than I was, too. Good to know.

"Besides, I didn't mean that kind of ready. I meant, did you take the birthing class and shit?"

Lord. The horror. "Don't make my mind go back to that." The video. God help me.

Emmett laughed. "You should your face!"

Jasper leaned over to take a look at me. "It's natural, you know. And really beautiful, the birth process."

"It's not beautiful. It's horrifying. Nothing on a human should stretch that way. And there's blood and fluids and…fuck. I don't even want to think about it." I closed my eyes and tried to erase the mental picture. "We've got the breathing shit down. And we have our birthing plan in place."

Reed Girl was taking the drugs. I was pretty sure she might have been willing to go without, but for my sanity, she had agreed that was the way to go. We both knew I wouldn't be able to stand to see her in pain, even if it was to bring our daughter into the world. And we were getting a private room, and Dani would be staying in there with us. I wasn't letting her out of my sight. There were too many horror stories about baby switches and abductions.

"Okay, so you have that down. That's good."

We shot the shit for most of the drive, and I started to get anxious to get home to my wife. So when my brother passed the exit to get to my house, I was not pleased.

"What the fuck, Em? You missed the turn."

"No, I didn't." My idiot brother grinned at me. "We have a surprise for you."

"It's going to be so great!" Jasper clapped me on the back from the backseat. "It's really a present for all of us. Don't worry. Reed knows."

Reed Girl knew? What the fuck was going on?

My brother finally got off the highway and followed the GPS to wherever the fuck they were taking me. He pulled up outside of a YMCA-type building.

"What is this?" I demanded as we got out of the car.

"Welcome to Daddy Boot Camp!" Jasper threw his arm around me. "We're all going to learn what to do once you actually have the baby."

Fuck this noise. "Bullshit. What is this really?"

My brother grinned maniacally. "For real! We're going to learn how to change diapers, give a baby a bath, burp them, all that shit. We didn't get to have a bachelor party for you, so we're doing this."

I didn't even know what to do with this information, but they were herding me inside anyway. "You think this makes up for no bachelor party?" Granted, I hadn't wanted one, but diapers versus strippers? Somehow that didn't seem like a comparable trade off.

"It's going to be awesome; you'll see!"

Emmett was ridiculously excited about the whole thing. I couldn't help but wonder if Reed Girl's smirky comment about it being a fun weekend had been referring to this very moment. I had a feeling it was. Crafty pregnant chick.

We entered into this gymnasium area, where a woman immediately greeted us by thrusting dolls into our arms.

"Cullen, party of three!" my idiot brother shouted. Of course, every other person in the place stopped what they were doing to stare at our asses.

"Take your babies over to the first area, where the tables are. That's where you'll learn diapering."

Fuck. Even though I knew better, I'd kind of hoped to avoid the whole diapering part of being a parent. I mean, we had a nanny all set, and that seemed like it should be her job. Reed Girl had found Mrs. Harris when she'd been interviewing retired music teachers for the foundation. She was recently widowed, and her own children were recent college grads. She loved kids, knew music, and wouldn't hit on me, which were the three requirements that had been number one in Reed Girl's book.

"This is awesome," my brother crowed, dumping his baby on the waiting changing table with a thud.

"That's not how you put a baby down," Jasper corrected huffily. And damned if he didn't gently lay his doll on the table, sliding his hand from underneath the head at the end.

"Very nice," the nearby instructor lady told him before shooting my brother a glare.

I set mine down the same way Jasper had, because I didn't want to get yelled at. The instructor demonstrated removal of diapers, wiping, powdering, and re-diapering several times before turning us loose.

"Piece of cake!" my brother boomed before yanking his doll's diaper off. He wiped, and then dumped about half a bottle of powder on the kid. "Oops." He used the old diaper to wipe some off, which even I knew wasn't hygienic, and then got the diaper out. "See, bro, this is easy as hell." And so saying, he pulled the sticky part right off, ripping the diaper.

"Yeah, real easy," I muttered.

"It is," Jasper agreed. Sure enough, he removed the diaper, wiped, powdered, and put a new one on without even breaking a sweat.

"You have wonderful technique," the instructor praised.

"What the fuck? Did you take this class already?" my brother demanded.

While they were arguing, I removed the diaper and did the wipe down. "It seems to me that since she's a girl, I shouldn't have to change her. Isn't that kind of weird?" I shouldn't be touching her girl parts, even if they were baby parts.

"Are you saying that if you have a boy next time, Bella won't change him and you'll do it all? She might go for that if that's the case, but I think she'll kick your ass if you suggest it." My brother grinned. "I'd like to see you try."

"No, thanks." I wasn't moron enough to say that out loud to my wife.

I poured some powder and got the diaper underneath the doll, straightening it out the way she'd shown, tucking it in, and then fastening the tape. My diaper didn't look as perfect as Jasper's did, but it stayed on, so that was a win as far as I was concerned.

"Good." I didn't get wonderful technique like Jasper did. Damn it.

"Of course, when you're dealing with a real baby, it can be a lot more difficult. The baby moves and must be held and watched the entire time you have it on the changing table."

My brother got another look, since his baby was perilously close to the edge of the table.

"Reach behind your baby and flick the switch," she told us.

The next thing I knew, the damn doll was crying and wiggling. Emmett's fell on the floor, big shocker.

"Emmett! You're going to get us kicked out! This was your idea. Do better!" Jasper hissed. Of course that fucker already had his baby undiapered and was starting the wipe process.

I held my doll as best I could as it wiggled and wailed. I got the damn diaper off and the wiping and powdering done sort of decently. I mean, it wasn't great, but at least it wasn't as shitty a job as Emmett had done. But getting the diaper back on with legs flailing about was a pain the ass. I finally got the stupid tape fastened, but the damn diaper was practically hanging off the kid.

"This is why I have a nanny," I said through clenched teeth as I tried to fix it.

Jasper's was perfect, of course.

"Seriously, how do you know how to do this?" I demanded when I finally got the stupid diaper somewhat situated.

"I watched videos online," he told me calmly. "I want to be a good uncle and, one day, a good dad."

"I'll give you ten bucks to diaper this one," Emmett said, holding his doll out by the neck.

The instructor came by and took it away from him. "If you can't take this class seriously, you don't need to participate."

"I'm sorry! I'll be serious. I want to be able to change my niece." Emmett got his doll back but with a warning that the next fuck up would be the last.

"You're not touching your niece at this rate," I warned him.

"I can do anything but diaper her. You watch. I'm going to rock car seat safety."

I had to laugh. Who would have imagined a few years ago that we'd be here? We'd all come a long way from beer bongs and football groupies. And even though the doll was wailing in my arms and wiggling away, I didn't want to change it for anything. Fatherhood, here I come.