Chapter: 7

"Ephemeral."

The sky was a deep blue and the stars were merely fickering lights. The slight glow fell on the grass, the tress and the mass of chocolate-brown curls that framed the frowning face of a five-year old girl. Her arms were crossed around her chest, her hands clenched in tiny fists.

"Claire-kun please try to understand, we'll both get in trouble," the black haired man pleaded.

"No," the girl said stubbornly. "Giro-san you promised!"

"I.. Claire-kun ma'am Ingrid will be furious."

"She won't find out! I told you, even if she does, I'm not gonna tell her you helped me, I swear, you can make me pinky promise!" she said holding out one of her tiny fingers.

The man sighed, still confused. "You'll come out in just fifteen minutes?"

"Yes."

"You won't get into trouble?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

Noiselessly they walked towards the high window, the man kept looking back his shoulder and little girl could barely contain her excitement.

Once more the man sighed and then holding out his arms he picked the child up. "Don't take too long, if there's anyone in there, if you hear any noise just come back, I'll be waiting. Don't take more than one book and," he paused. "Be safe."

The little girl grinned. "It's just the library near the dining room Giro-san, not a cemetery," saying that she lowered her head and kissed his cheek. "You're the best!" she whispered.

Then as he raised her up, she put one foot on the window pane and after a little effort made it to the room. The little girl gasped. The small glass windows emanated a million colours and gave the room a look very similar to a church. What seemed like thousand shleves towered her and there was nowhere she could look without seeing a book, a volume or an opus. Before her was the most beautiful room she had ever seen. Very slowly she walked forward and stroked the covers gently, her mouth still held open in amazement.

The astonishment didn't last long as when she spun around, a tall figure was looking down at her. Dagger in hand, glaring.

Life. What a funny name for a wicked roller-coaster ride. Takes the breath out of you, but you can't deny how good the adrenaline rush feels.

I noticed gradually how the events I considered the downs of it, were actually the ups. I noticed how I started to realize that my insecurities were completely ridiculous. I noticed how I was starting to comprehend that the past was in the past, that no matter what I did what had happened could not be undone and even I, had every right to live and maybe, even be happy.

I knew now that last night's fears and worries seemed utterly stupid. How my mother did not squeak of delight as I had expected her to, when I informed her of the test results but instead, she sat me down to have a long conversation about how I felt on the matter and it astonished me. How could I have been such an idiot? Had I ever seen the way she looked at me? No, ofcourse not. I knew now that Killua was right, I almost never noticed what went on around me, I was blind. How I was able to tell her convincingly that I was happy, because I was and maybe, just maybe I had something to look forward to.

Killua. Was he real? Was it real how he was slowly changing my life in a way I had not thought possible? Was it real, how last night I dreamed about him playing with a yo-yo as I watched him with a smile plastered on my face? Was it real that for the first time in seven years I didn't have a nightmare? Was it real how when I woke up, I was happy even though I had no idea? It was, and it was way too good to believe. It was like if I did actually even just consider it as reality it would disappear. I was happy, I was and I just hoped that when I opened my eyes, it would be there and not just a beautiful illusion in the form of a dream. A dream, not a nightmare.

Killua's P.O.V:-

Midnight, maybe even later. Without making the faintest of noises I slowly slid the window open. I didn't need to, but I held my breath just in case as I climbed in. The room was dark but I could clearly make out the furniture and the silhouette of the figure lying on the bed. I walked on and very carefully sat on the edge of the bed, there was faint creek. Oops. I would have to be careful about that next time. Wait, next time? I didn't even know why I was here now.

I could only make out a few angles of her face. She was breathing calmly and hopefully, dreaming. Maybe I just wanted to make sure she wasn't still crying, how she had startled me back then. Apparently she wasn't now and she looked relaxed enough. I sighed.

How fragile the girl was which made me wonder how small her heart was. How I had felt a very strange feeling when I saw the tears rushing out of her eyes, like a burning sensation in my chest, it was as if I knew I had to stop it even if it was the last thing I did. How I had quickly but composedly made up the story of a yo-yo.

Ha. A yo-yo, brother would have never allowed it, so much as for Alluka to have it. I thought about it though, how it would have been to have a normal childhood. Learning to ride a bicycle instead of carrying out murders of mafia leaders. Odd.

Very gently I caressed the girl's cheek with the back of my hand. Warm, soft and most importantly dry. So, she didn't cry to sleep. Good. But why? Good as it felt, why did it? Why did it matter?

Girls. It sounded like something of a synonym to alien. As a kid, the only 'female' I had ever any interaction with was my mother, who to be honest dressing one of her sons with skirts and kimonos didn't set such an awesome reputation. Growing up, I realized that they were all the same, all having the same intentions, all after one thing; sex.

That's all they ever asked of me, and as I aged further a feeling of deep detest and strong disgust towards them grew with me. I avoided them, of course when there was work involved, I simply had no choice; until... her.

She was the weirdest creature I had ever come to know. The first time I saw her I had expected her to react like all the others, look in my eyes and give in to whatever I said, but she didn't. Instead when I met her gaze, for the first time in my life, I saw a feeling of great hate reflected in them, no girl had ever looked at me that way. Again the second time I saw her she was still as stubborn. She was.. Strange. But strange wasn't the right word. Maybe.. unique?

I admit that at first I got interested but in the end that curiosity of mine just made me fall in a deep, deep pit. I could lie to myself, say that I was just inquisitive, but that wasn't it. Of course it was not. How I could have been dumb enough to allow myself to be trapped like this, I didn't know. All that I knew was that I was an idiot. This wasn't what I came here for, it was stupid how subconsciously I had changed my priorities. Even if I did permit myself to go forward, what sort of future could I provide her with? One filled with lies? She deserved so much better, so much more and someday she would get it. She would someday even get married and have a family. Suddenly an image of her in a white dress alongside a stranger popped in my mind. I clenched my teeth. No.

I moved my face slightly closer to study her features. She looked so serene. My gaze fell down to her lips and I had the urge to do something I shouldn't even think of. Don't you dare. I warned myself. I froze for a few seconds, planning my next move and then I gave up. For some reason, I would come up with later, I shut my conscience and as delicately as possible I put my lips on hers. They were softer than I could have thought possible and so.. perfect. After what seemed like the shortest time of my life, in which I couldn't have wished more for anything to last longer, I pulled away and sighed.

I forced myself to get up and walked to the window.

"Killua."

I froze. I must've, no.

But gladly she just shifted her position and sighed.

I heaved a huge sigh of relief, but it lasted shorter than a second until it was replaced with a new feeling. Was it... happiness or was it triumph? Had she just said my name in her sleep? I stood there for a century maybe then forcefully escorted myself out but unable to stop a smile creeping on my face. You know this isn't right. I know, but I don't care.

Claire's P.O.V:-

I had always dreaded this day, but never would I ever had thought that it would come so soon. I clenched my teeth and tried to ignore the lump in my throat, the emotions I felt were ones that were not foreign to me, they seemed like a mixture of hate, fear and embarrassment. Never had I, in life asked more than I thought I deserved, but here in my now, I knew that the scene before me lacked justice, what I was going through was unfair, I sighed as a curse escaped my mouth. The library was crowded. How? Why? I had no idea.

The one place where I could always find solitude was now invaded by the enemy. I pitied myself and walked out, only to wish I hadn't. Naomi, with her auburn hair tied in a pony-tail, her hands planted on her hips, was glaring daggers at me. "Get lost," she spat.

I quickly walked away, and realized that if Naomi was actually visiting the library, then there was only one explanation, the due time of some important assignment was close, some assignment I probably had already submitted days ago. I shrugged and paced towards the ground, which according my guess was almost empty, except for a few boys who were there for football practice.

I quickly ascended the stairs and made my way to one of the seats and dropped my books there before sitting myself down. I rubbed my hands, as a chilly breeze ran through my hair. I mentally patted the boys in the back, who managed to play in such cold weather.

In winter, it snowed often in Noda, and for a girl like me who hated the rain and the snow, it wasn't in any ways less than hell. One would probably be astonished that I enjoyed the cold but hated the snow, but since nothing else about me made sense, I didn't expect this one to do so either.

Not being a huge fan of football, I never watched any of the school games, but as one particular boy, with glistening silver hair, just like the frost; caught my eye, I couldn't help but stare. His stealth, agility and confidence, just like his looks were beyond perfection. As he scored, another boy high-fived him, and I could see the coach pat his back, he raised his gaze and caught me staring at him. Trouble. I quickly raised the book I had in my lap to cover my face and tried to hide the embarrassment I felt. Jumping right into an active volcano sounded nice right now.

"You check me out even in public, seriously?" I heard a taunting voice.

I held back a scream as I saw Killua sitting casually next to me, his arms crossed behind his neck. "Wha.. how did you..?" I gasped surprised.

"Get so hot? Born with it," he said rolling his eyes.

"But... you.." I stuttered, still in shock.

"Are too sexy? I know," he shrugged.

I looked once between the ground and his face. "You were there a moment ago," I concluded. "How do you do that?"

He shrugged. "Do what?"

"Nevermind," I sighed. Remembering that the last time we met I was crying infront of him and babbling out my worries made me gulp. There wasn't one conversation I had with him on which I could look back and not consider leaving the country.

"So, is a coincidence that I find you wherever I go, or you just can't get enough of me? Because if it's the latter, trust me, I get you."

"How modest," I said rolling my eyes. "I didn't know you joined the team."

He smiled playfully at me.

And just like that I held my breath, a new sort of reflex I had recently developed.

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned. From the look on his face, I dreaded what he saw on mine.

I stood up, my conscience was telling me to run before I did something to completely humiliate myself. "Yes... I'm fine.. I.." I couldn't stop stuttering. "I wasn't even supposed to be here... the libarary.. it was crowded... I just needed a quiet place, I swear I wasn't stalking you," I said quickly grabbing my bag. "I should go," I gasped.

He caught my hand and bored his gaze into mine. "I was kidding, you know?" he looked at me like I was crazy. "Kidding? Joking? When people say things that aren't just for fun? Talk humorously?"

I blinked crazily, I felt like my eyelids were going to fall off.

"Listen, you need a quiet place, right? I have one in mind, I'm sure you'll like it," he said, a trace of affection in his voice.

I bit my lip, hard.

"Will you come with me?" he wa careful not to smile, it was obvious he was scared of my earlier reaction. He was looking at me like I would break any moment.

I nodded weakly. You, Claire, are the second name of embarrassment.

I could barely keep track of where he was taking me, but I was sure we crossed the gym, or maybe we didn't, all I could really feel was the way his hand held mine. His hand warm, and his grip soft, again like he was afraid I would get shattered.

"This is a place me and Gon discovered, I doubt anyone else knows about it," he said breaking my train of thought.

I found we were standing in front of the janitor's closet. I shook my head. You're an idiot. "Seriously?" I asked in disbelief. "Real funny," I told him, tears beginning to form as I prepared myself for my escape.

"Wait," he told me. He opened the door and after forcing me in, shut it. He extended his arm and caught a small cord, that hung from the ceiling, signaling me to step back, he pulled it slightly and a small wooden ladder materialized itself before me barely missing my toe, there was a small thud as one corner hit the ground, but I could see some light above. "Rambos first," he smirked.

Without thinking twice, I climbed it, and the end led to something that took my breath away. "Woah," was all I could manage to say, as I saw a beautiful view of the whole city before me.

"Right?" Killua said, standing next to me.

"This is the..."

"School roof? Yes," he answered my incomplete question

I took a few steps forward. "How did you guys find this place?" I asked in disbelief. The roofs of the buildings were glittering due to the small layer of frost on them.

He dug his hands in his pockets and shrugged. "You got loads of time to do stuff like this when you skip class."

"You bunk?" I asked awkwardly.

"You don't?" he said smirking.

I rolled my eyes. "I can see my house from here," I breathed. The place seemed magical, who knew a school roof could have such an enchanting effect. There was a wall on one side, that seemed purposeless. I turned to him as a question I had never considered popped in my mind. "Where do you live Killua?"

The peaceful expression on his face turned into a cautious one. He merely shrugged.

I hated it how he refused to answer my questions. I chewed on my lower lip as I sat down near on end of the wall.

"This quiet enough for you?" he asked as he paced towards me.

"Yeah," I sighed.

My heart was aching, willing to know the reason this boy always shied away from me, demanding to know why he never let me in. My lower lip trembled slightly as I stood up and faced him. "Why don't you want me to know you? Why do you call me close just to push me away? Why do you want to stay distant?" I blurted out.

His eyes betrayed emotions, of pain, of doubt, but he quickly composed his face. "I want many things, that is not one of them," he shrugged.

"Then what do you want? Because it's getting a bit hard keeping up with you." I pressed. I was tired, I was determined of letting it all out of him.

He didn't speak, instead he just moved closer and closer, and I took a few steps back without actually knowing what I was doing.

He was coming closer, with my last step, my back was against the wall, and he was mere inches away from me. I could taste his exhales on the tip of my tongue.

Good God. He was about to kiss me. I had no experience in this field of touch, but I knew enough to tell, that this wasn't any small physical interaction, it was a small commitment, something real. This boy was about to kiss me, a boy I knew nothing about, except his name. This boy who refused to tell me anything about himself, this boy who was just a mystery, this boy, who might not be nothing more than a fantasy, this boy who might be playing games with me. So as I reached the peek of an emotion I was not familiar with, I found my self saying. "Stop."

He pulled away, startled. He was not in any way expecting it. He quickly passed a hand through his hair. His face had lost all signs of the boyishness it always had. That was when I realized, he must be irritated. But I couldn't find myself to feel bad. I did not have enough stamina to mess up my life again.

"I don't know you," I said firmly. "And you don't want me to. You just shut me out everytime I try to get close. You might be here right now but at the end the day, you're just a stranger. I mean the only things that I know about you is that you have four brothers and you had a yo-yo, tell me Killua is that information enough to let a person in your life?"

He just glared at me or maybe he was just gazing, I didn't know.

I side-stepped him and walked towards the exit. "I should go.", and that was that, I wanted him to stop me but he didn't. It ended where it started. I just reached the ladder when I saw a spiky-haired boy standing there with his hazel eyes wide, he just looked at me confused.

"Can I?" I asked, bringing him back to reality.

"Uh, y-yeah, sure," he stepped aside and let me pass.

I went back down and ran out as fast as could. Idiot, moron, that selfish.. I felt like I was fuming. I kept racing forward, blinking back tears until there was a small crash and before I could make out what was going on, someone was holding one of my arms preventing me from falling.

"I'm so sorry," said a brown-haired man with sparkling green eyes.

I rubbed my forehead. "Uh, no-no, it's my fault, I wasn't going where I was looking, I mean looking where I was growing, I mean going.. uh!" I groaned.

The man laughed sympathetically and held out a hand. "Katashi Keitomaro."

"Claire," I said shaking his hand.

He glanced at his wrist watch once and then smiled. "Well we'll be seeing each other soon."

I raised my eyebrow. "Uh- Okay?"

He waved and walked away leaving me confused.

I yawned as I reached the familiar maple door and unlocked it. I was tired, angry and not to mention hungry. Killua's behaviour was a constant conundrum and I couldn't understand why I was letting it get to my head. It seemed as every little good thing that happened to me was ephemeral, everything sort of back fired on its own, or maybe it was me. Maybe, I brought it to myself; maybe I complicated things and created problems that didn't even exist. I could have just let him kiss me instead of making such a fuss or.. no. I did right, of course I did.

When I tuned the world back in I realized that there was a high-pitch enthusiastic chatter coming from the kitchen I took a few steps and then stopped as I recognized the voice. I blinked as I entered the kitchen. "Nonna?" I asked astonished.

The white haired woman smiled warmly and pulled me in a tight hug. "Claire-bear!" She squeaked. Uh the hideous nicknames.

My nonna, as in my dad's mom. She was that curly white haired granny who baked awesome cookies. My dad didn't, in any way resemble her, of course that was impossible because he like me, was adopted; excluding the rare case of me and my dad. I still had no idea why I called her 'nonna' in general but that was the first word that came out of my mouth when I first saw her.

I hugged her back. "When did you get here?"

"Oh, it's been a while! How've you been?" she asked kissing my forehead.

"Great, great. You didn't even tell me," I said accusingly.

"Ah! Couldn't keep away after hearing the good news, now could I?" she said pointing towards my mother who was seated in one of the dining chairs.

"Oh, right-right that."

"Don't you worry though," she said placing a hand on my shoulder. "You'll still be my favourite baby!" and she pulled me in a tight hug again.

I groaned. "Uhh nonna, I'm seventeen!" I said squished.

"Nonsense, nonsense, you're never to old for your nonna now, are you?"

I rolled my eyes.

"So how many boys has my princess caught yet?" she asked excited.

I sighed walking to the basin and putting my hands under the water. "Do we have to do this every time? The answer's still the same."

"What about that boy who walks you home?" my mom asked casually, while filing her nails.

"What?" I asked loudly, my eyes widening.

I heard my nonna giggle.

"Oh, you know, that boy who came over for that assignment, what was his name, Killua right?"

"B-b y-ou," I paused. "How do you know he walked me home?"

She blew gently on her finger examining her nails carefully. Trying to act casual, I supposed. "I'm your mother, I know things."

I narrowed my eyes as a face flashed in my visions. "Mr. Domoto told you didn't he, didn't he?" I asked furiously.

"Maybe, maybe not," she shrugged.

I groaned. "That..." I gritted my teeth. "Peeking, spying, lying idio-"

"Ah, so there is a boy?" my nonna asked excitedly.

"No! There is not! He's just, he's in my class that's all! I swear!" Shouldn't have sworn though.

My mom rolled her eyes. "Honey, he likes you. Have you seen the way he looks at you?"

I bit my lip. "Yeah, with his eyes?" What is with you people and the way you all look at me.

My nonna squeaked in delight. "My baby princess finally-"

"There is nothing like that!"

"Is he a fine lad?" she asked boring her gaze into mine as if she could reach my brain.

"Well yeah but-"

"Is he good looking?" she asked raising her eyebrows.

"Kind of but-"

"Have you kissed?" she interrogated.

"What? No! We-"

"Have you had-" my mom began.

"NO!" I bellowed. "It's not-"

"Did he ask you out yet?" my nonna asked, narrowing her eyes.

"HE DID NOT!" I said fuming.

They were both silent and just stared at me.

I groaned and then sighed. "I'm- I-m sorry.. I just.. I'm an idiot."

"No it's out fault, we shouldn't have-" my mom said.

"No, no you're right. It's just he..." I sighed. "Things are really confusing. I.. it's that sometimes he, I mean it looks like he does like me and then.. he just," I sighed unable to find words.

My mom got up and pulled me in an embrace. "Aw, honey. All guys are like that, trust me," she said rubbing my back. "Your dad, uh, you have no idea how he was back then. Trust me, they all drive you crazy at some point."

"Dad?" I asked amazed.

"Oh, yes! They all do that, its in their nature I guess."

"Oh, they do!" my nonna added. "Your nonno, there was a time when he was having second thoughts but I knew how to fix that yes I did!"

"You did what?" I asked cautious.

"Oh, I slapped him. In front of all his friends, gave everything I had in that slap, yes sir and that's the whole reason that we remained married for thirty-six whole years, knocked some sense into him that day and he didn't ever dare look back!"

Me and my mom both laughed.

"So, I should do the same?" I asked playfully.

"Oh, no no," she said hastily. "That depends on the type. Works on the goody-goody ones but if it's an alpha male type, I highly recommend you not to."

"Right," I said.

"He looks like a nice guy though," my mom said softly.

I sighed.

"Honey decent boys are really hard to find, you know and maybe you'll regret letting him go."

"Men," said my nonna narrowing her eyes. "They're just like public toilets, the good ones are taken and the rest are full of shit," she said shaking her head. "The good ones are really lucky catches so be carefully eh?"

"Alright, alright," I muttered. "I think I'm gonna go to bed," I said turning around, the boys lecture definitely had me exhausted.

"What about dinner?" my mom asked.

"Not hungry. Oh and mom," I spun around to face her. "Please tell Mr. Domoto that when we'll need someone to watch over the house while you guys are gone, we'll get a dog and since there is a fair number of canines on the planet, he should stop acting like one," I said and quickly made my way to the stairs.

"Claire!" my mom said in disbelief.

I went up to the room with an evil smile on my face. I decided in that moment that no matter what my mom and my nonna told me out of their relationship experience, I was gonna do it my way. If Killua really did want me, then he'd have to come and get me and there was no way around it.

My conscience now shimmering, my strength now restored,

my heart now determined like the slash of a sword.