October 13, 2019 - 0900
SHIELD Headquarters
REDACTED
It's been a normal week for Natasha Romanoff. She's killed four people, punched Clint at least 12 times and is now lazing around in the STRIKE Team lounge waiting for her partner to show up to work. She looks like she's doing something important on her phone but in reality, she is kicking preteens butts in Fortnite. Suddenly she hears a noise you noise she does not hear often in the STRIKE lounge. Rap music.
"DJ Bluntz is in the building here to announce that Clint Barton is in the building!" Natasha has never seen this person before and is fairly certain that they either do not work for SHIELD or they are so unimportant that she forgot them.
"OH! 1-2, 1-2! B-Widow"
"Hawk" She responds to her partner fondly, throwing aside her phone.
"Three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self." It is rare to see Clint in such a good mood, especially while still at work. This was why Natasha had no problem singing their catchphrase of the day out loud with him.
"Treat yo self 2019!"
"The living fuck is 'treat yo self?" Jack Rollins is always an asshole. So Clint addresses the whole room to remind them just how much better STRIKE Team Delta is.
"Once a year Natasha and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?"
"Clothes." Natasha smugly responds.
"Treat yourself."
"Fragrances"
"Treat yourself"
"Massages."
"Treat yourself."
"Mimosas."
"Treat yourself."
"Fine leather goods."
"Treat yourself!" Clint finishes off.
"It's the best day of the year," Natasha adds to an astonished STRIKE Team Alpha.
"The best day of the year" Natasha and Clint are nearly always attached at the hip and it doesn't even surprise the other STRIKE teams anymore when they burst into song as they walk out of the room. A few minutes later heading to the parking lot to pick up Natasha's fancy new car, when she stops them in the corridor.
"I got a question" Natasha is reluctant to actually voice. "What do you think about inviting Coulson to come along with us today?" Clint had been dancing up until this moment and comically froze in the middle of the hall.
"What? Noo! This is our thing."
"But he really seems like he could use a day off. He's like a skinny little rubber band that's about to snap in half." Natasha implores.
"Exactly. He doesn't know how to relax" Clint is thrown back to the millions of pages of paperwork their handler likes to give them so they stay out of trouble. "Nat, you and I are relaxation professionals. There's no way Coulson can slow down enough to keep up with us. My Russian Spider, this is our holy day. It's the one day a year I allow myself to be selfish." With that said Clint somehow transports himself into the nearest air vent and disappears.
October 13, 2019 - 1030
SHIELD Parking lot
REDACTED
Coulson is sitting on a park bench. Eating soup.
"Treat yo self 2019." They are a team if nothing else, and pride themselves on being in synch.
"Oh, Lord." They had caught sight of Coulson. Natasha had not gotten Clint completely on board with taking their handler, but he was only slightly complaining at this point and this was not going to help. "Is he eating soup? On a bench? Alone? Clint."
"Fine…" Natasha can barely hear him as she was already out of the car and grabbing hold of their handler.
"Come on, rubber band. Come with us."
"What, what are you?" It is a testament to how much Coulson trusts STRIKE team Delta and to how tired he is that he does not drop kick Natasha in the face with a bag of flour for her manhandling of his body.
"No arguing" She pushes Coulson into the back seat. "And no soup in the Ray. Get in." All Coulson hears is shattering as his mug of soup is suddenly ripped from his grasp and shattered across the pavement.
"Wha? What?" Coulson thinks Nat is very lucky that it was only a basic SHIELD mug and not one of his precious Captain America memorabilia. Though he knows in his head that when Hill finds out he has broken another mug, it won't be good. "What is happening right now? He gets no explanation.
October 13, 2019 – 1200
Recreation Park and Spa
Somewhere in DC
"So, treat yourself day is just a day where you go to the spa and then the mall?" Coulson clarifies from his reclining chair. He would never admit it out loud but the complimentary robe is actually to die for.
"I knew you wouldn't get it." Clint mumbles. He loves Coulson, he does, but this is his and Nats THING. He does not wish to waste his day off work with his dumb handler who doesn't even understand how great foot massages are. It sucks that their old place turned out to be a front for a money-laundering operation, best foot massages in New York.
"Well, I'm a relaxation novice." Coulson tries to get Clint to understand. "Give me some guidance."
"Listen to me, AC, the point of this is to pamper yourself," Clint explains in an overly cheery voice. "Just relaaax man."
"I can't." Coulson exasperates. "Something about the sound of harps that makes me nervous- OH MY GOD!" Natasha had walked back into the room. Clearly she had been tortured and they needed to call for back up immediately, she was covered in needles!
"Hey, Nat." Clint doesn't even open his eyes, he recognized the sound of her approach.
"Hey." She deadpans. "Relaxation lesson number one: acupuncture. It's great for you back, and your rear. Needles in your face. Pleasure in your base. You should get some hawk, I kicked yours last night at kickboxing." Coulson completely lost it at the sound Natasha talking about her 'base' and did not hear anything else for the rest of the conversation.
October 13, 2019 – 1215
Recreation Park and Spa
Somewhere in DC
"Just relax and don't move." By the time Coulson could remember where he was, the two had somehow gotten him into the acupuncture chair and there were so many needles in his face. At least the lady sounded calm and not at all like a terrorist who was torturing him with needles.
"This is the most stressed-out I've ever been, in my life." Coulson thinks back to that one class at the academy where they tried to get everyone to say 'blast' instead of swearing so that they wouldn't offend anyone. If the students were caught swearing anytime even outside of class they were shot with a paintball gun in a sensitive area. That was not as bad as this.
"Coulson, listen. I'm gonna talk to you about things you like to take your mind off the needles. Okay?" Clint tries to ease Coulson's mental pain. "Rules. Paperwork. Me turning in paperwork. Stamps, probably."
"More of a trading card kind of guy." Coulson watches another needle move towards his face. "Help me. Help me!" He blacks out again.
October 13, 2019 – 1330
A Mall
Somewhere in DC
"Welcome to Nirvana" Clint exclaims as they reach the top of the stairs. "There's a reflecting pool outback, there's an old-timey train that runs through the mall and three Burberrys." Clint is very excited. "If you tell your friend, "Hey, meet me at Burberry," they gotta specify which one!"
"Let's hit it!" Natasha says as they walk into a clothing store and make their way to the changing rooms grabbing piles of clothing as they go.
Coulson takes a seat as Natasha darts into the room on the left and Clint hurls himself and his clothing pile into the room on his right.
"I really want this dress," Natasha says as she leans back out into the room with a whole new outfit on, how she did it so quickly makes no sense to Coulson. "And I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it."
"Romanoff?" Clint struts out of his dressing room in an absurd striped number that surprisingly works for him. "Treat yourself" He throws the scarf over his shoulder and struts back into the changing room.
Coulson catches clothing as Natasha just starts tossing things back his way from her dressing room, and he turns just in time to see Clint come out in another outfit.
"Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pans, cashmere turtle." At the sound of his voice, Natasha makes her way back out in a new outfit as well. "I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane."
"Treat yourself!" Natasha enunciates her words by also pulling off her sunglasses and tossing them at Coulson's still shocked body.
"I mean, this is insane," Coulson says to no one as he stares off into the distance. Is it even possible for people to change outfits so quickly?
October 13, 2019 – 1600
A Mall
Somewhere in DC
Natasha and Clint walk on either side of Coulson, both carting upwards of six bags apiece. If Coulson had not seen them training extensively, he would not believe a person could carry that much at once.
"Man, did you buy anything for yourself today?" Clint throws at Coulson in a barely disgusted tone.
"Yeah, I got this pack of socks"
"Plain white socks? That's not a treat!" They had been dragging their handler around all day and he was not even living up to the spirit of Treat yo' self 2019. "Nat! Get me away from him!" Clint is barely not whining at this point.
"Maybe this is our version of treat yourself day and he needs to do his version." The black widow stares down their handler, trying to think of anything that would pull him out of this funk he has been in.
"What are you talking about" Clint tries thinking of what else Coulson would rather be doing. Paperwork? Standing in a dark corner so he could reveal himself dramatically and scare the living bejesus out of someone?
"Coulson, if you could blow big money on one thing – not sock money – what would it be?" Natasha has a serious look on her face and Coulson realizes that in this moment she would do whatever it took to get him his treat yo' self moment. He hoped she didn't have to because damn, for someone so small she could be really scary.
October 13, 2019 – 1645
Hot Topic
Somewhere in that mall in DC
Coulson steps out the back of the changing area and sees that both his agents are frozen in a weird form of glee, speechless and he realizes that he made a big mistake.
"Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!" Clint is no longer speechless. He can barely believe that his handler is standing in front of him at this moment, in the back of a hot topic, decked out in red white and blue. "This is a whole new level of nerd".
"You're right, this is ridiculous" Coulson spins away to go put his suit back on. "What am I doing" he questions how he, a proud agent of SHIELD could have fallen this far.
"Wait, no, no, no, no" Clint calls out to his back. "I mean that in a good way, AC. Listen to me. You're part of the treat yourself team now, okay? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it!". Clint doesn't stop there. "And you're gonna wear it out of the store, okay? You're gonna treat yourself!"
"Yeah!" Coulson is suddenly more pumped up. "You know what, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna- I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks, you guys."
Natasha finally feeling as if all her hard work today paid off was preparing to get up and leave when suddenly from behind his mask, Coulson continued.
"Thank you." He is not crying. "I really needed this." Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD is not full-on sobbing in the back of a Hot Topic wearing a full Captain America costume including the shield. "I'm gonna treat myself."
"Uh oh, Cap is crying" Natasha bursts Coulson's bubble that he was imagining the tears streaming down his face.
October 13, 2019 – 1730
Reflecting Pool
Somewhere in that mall in DC
"What's wrong? Out with it." Natasha demands one they are sat down.
"I was seeing a woman, uh, for a while, and then…" Coulson tries not to think too hard of the philharmonic. "We stopped seeing each other. Uh, pretty recently."
"That's why you've been off your game." Natasha questions. Coulson had barely yelled at them all week, and he was seeing someone before, how could they not know. She and Clint were the best spies ever, it looks like they had some digging to do and revenge to plan later.
"Sorry, dog". Clint places a single hand on Coulson's shoulder.
"You're a catch Coulson, you're gonna be okay."
"There are chicken heads everywhere AC, chicken heads all around this mall. You're gonna find one and you're gonna be great." For once there is no joking in Clint Barton's tone as he tries to comfort his boss. "But for now, why don't you let it out, treat yourself to a good cry" As they get up and start to walk away Clint suddenly grabs his arm again.
"One last question though. Why so serious?" Natasha punches him in the arm hard enough to leave a pretty big bruise for a few days.
"That's not even the right franchise." As they walk back to the car, Coulson smiles as his two favorite agents bicker away about superheroes and villains. The best part of his day had been seeing the two of them in their natural environment, just having fun.