Dread.
The feeling that reality was teetering unsteadily on an unbalanced platform. One single errant flick of the finger and the whole structure would collapse into the abyss below. She had no idea how much this truth that Sora wanted to tell her was going to shake things up, and could only hope that her feet would still touch the ground when it was all over. He seemed so...frightfully serious, it was unnatural.
But she wanted to know. And he needed to tell her.
"So...one time you asked about my parents, right?"
A bit of an odd start to his deep dark secret, but she knew he was only getting started. Best to just let him speak. "Um...I asked about your mom a bit, I suppose..."
"Yeah. I don't think I ended up giving you a straightforward answer about it. The truth is...I'm adopted. No idea where I came from, really. I have a great mom now, and even if she's not related to me by blood she'll always be my mom. No question."
...Is that...all?
Sora munched a bit at the corner of his mouth, as if petrified of her reaction. It was adorable, and also incredibly distracting. But more important than the burning desire blooming at her center was reassuring him right now that no matter where he came from, he was still unchanged in her mind. Sora could have been spirited into existence by magic clover sprites and she wouldn't care.
"It's wonderful you feel that way about her. And I'm happy you found a family." She briefly relished the look of relief that swept over his face. "I thought you said it was going to be some crazy secret."
"That's not...the worst part."
Of course not. It couldn't be that simple, could it?
"Until I lived with my mom in Balamb, I was sort of living on the streets around here." He started to fidget uncomfortably on the ground, his confidence growing shakier by the second. But it was only making him seem that much more deserving of someone to snuggle that insecurity away.
"I didn't really...I didn't always do the right things. I took food and stuff sometimes. Stole a pair of shoes once. I still feel bad about it."
A few of the puzzle pieces began to snap together. "Is that...why you spent so much time helping out around the town?"
She remembered all the people who had been grateful for his cheer. Then there was Claire, the baker who had lost her own children during Darkfall, who was particularly fond of helping starving children. Who was particularly fond of Sora. Surely not a coincidence.
He blinked a bit as if the thought hadn't really occurred to him before. "Oh...yeah, maybe. I mean, I don't remember everything from that time, so it's not like I know who I took stuff from. So I'm not sure if doing random favors really makes up for everything I did."
"You were only a child, it's not fair to blame you for trying to survive." Oh how she wanted to comfort the forlorn expression that had wormed its way onto his face again. Somehow she doubted that him snaching a loaf of bread or some such now and again was really as bad as he had likely built it up in his head over the years. "But if you were living on the streets here, when did you go to Balamb?"
"That was...some time after Darkfall. I'm not really sure exactly when. My memory of the time is kinda hazy..."
"Yeah, tell me about it." Kairielis hesitantly smiled, not wanting to make too light of the situation, but the way he nodded sagely back to her made her feel like maybe he hadn't caught on to her sarcasm.
"Well, uh...I was told Riku's dad found me. Probably saved me from starving, honestly. After that I stayed at their house for a while until my mom said she wanted me to go live with her."
"Sora, I wasn't...um..." Somehow he had interpreted her sarcasm as an actual request. It was nice of him to answer, though. But maybe it wasn't worth trying to bring up the mistake.
She shook her head and tapped the toe of her shoe into the dirt, digging a small ring in the loose loam. "I'm glad that you found a good home and a wonderful friend, too. But...still, none of that is crazy. Here I was expecting some over the top tale about how you swindled a giant out of his prized harp, or his magical singing spoon or something."
"Aw man, I wish! Then my nickname could be, uh, the...spoony bard?"
"No. Definitely, no." Kairielis shivered at the very idea. "A nickname like that is probably the only thing that could make me think less of you. Your past? Not so much."
He chuckled, but only for a moment. This mysterious secret of his still weighing him down so much that even his sense of humor was getting drowned out.
"Yeah, well...that's not exactly what worries me. There's...something that happened during Darkfall you still need to hear about."
Kairielis nodded solemnly and let him continue.
"I don't know if you remember the first day. They say it was the worst because no one even knew what was going on, or what was making everyone either disappear or turn into those...things. It seemed like they were targeting certain people, though, and a lot of kids managed to escape by slipping through the chaos and squeezing ourselves into small crawlspaces no one thought to check. I guess we didn't interest them too much."
He paused, as if to check on her. She hung her head, feeling a bit guilty that she really couldn't relate to any of those nightmares. "Please, just keep going. I'll be alright. If not, I'll let you know, okay?"
"R-right. So...all of us kids who escaped tried to group together for safety. Some of them had only just lost their parents, some had no idea if their loved ones were even still alive. We didn't know anything. So we did what we could and made our own temporary family. There was Selphie, Irvine, Gau, Vaan, and Penelo...just to name a few."
And in the back of her mind she thought she could see a dirtied young girl in a yellow dress with a blurry face and grimy fingers. Fingers that reached for her own, desperately, as she called her sister. She could hear the dripping of grime splatting across a cold stone floor. She saw narrow passages, slimy bridges over darkened chasms of gushing water, and an old rusty grate. The same places from her recurring dream.
"Did you...hide mostly in the sewers?"
Sora blinked up at her a moment, carefully reading her features before nodding. "Yeah, that's right."
"And...are there gates there? Locked with rusty keys?"
This time, rather than just confirm it, Sora took another deep breath, his eyes shining up at her in equal mix of apprehension and concern. "Here comes the crazy part. That day I walked in on you stamping out the fire in the carpet? The day I started guarding you? That...wasn't the first time we met. Our meeting wasn't very...it wasn't exactly the best memory for you. So maybe it makes sense that you forgot."
Kairielis blinked back in shock, not sure how to even respond. Not knowing if she even could. Sora meanwhile kept flicking at a tall strand of grass with his finger, clearly uncomfortable about what he was saying.
"You were down there with us. For almost all of Darkfall you were part of our family."
...What?
Sora waited patiently in silence for her to collect the fragments of emotions fighting for control within her own heart.
"But...I was always told...my father made it very clear I was under the care of the guards, here in the castle."
The events of Darkfall hadn't ever been properly explained to her, that was true. But there were at least several things that had been asserted clearly. On the first day of Darkfall her mother had tried escaping with her, instead of following the orders and protocol for emergencies. The reports said the darkness caught up to the two of them, but her mother managed to hide her away somewhere and she was spared. It was said the guards found her shortly after, cuddled up alone in a back room of the castle, shivering and traumatized. They said she was barely conscious, and the castle guard watched over her the entire week and a half following until she had strength enough to wake. But her memory of the time never recovered.
"...You're now telling me that I was actually in the sewers with you that whole time?"
There was that same anxious, wordless nod again, and she kneaded her face over a few times with her hands, taking extra care to massage her temples. If she really had been down there, it would explain the recurring dreams a bit. But it wouldn't explain how she even ended up down there in the first place. Not only that, but she distinctly remembered in her dream, how the frightened younger girl with the grubby hands had scrambled for hers, smudging dirt along the back of them as she clutched them close. Even if she had gone into the sewers, like Sora suggested, the rest of her dream had to be a fabrication. Nothing like that could have happened.
And while she did trust him...
If what he was saying was true, that meant her father and everyone else had lied to her. It meant that there was a countless amount of memories she had spent in Sora's company that she couldn't remember. Precious time with him she couldn't get back. It would be such a sorrowful, almost bitter fact to swallow.
She wasn't sure if she wanted to.
"I know you don't exactly make a habit of lying, but...I need a bit of time to consider everything, if that's okay." Her smile was weak and uninspired, but she tried.
The air suddenly felt so much heavier and damp than before, and it only felt heavier when she saw there was still a worried expression on his face.
"There's...something else. I said I wanted to help you, remember?"
"Yes, of course I do."
Oh boy. He really was confessing everything, wasn't he?
"Something happened to you that you've forgotten. But if you knew about it, maybe you wouldn't have to marry that Hans guy. The problem is, the truth is...ugh, how can I even explain this?"
Rather than stumble over his own words, he seemed to settle on an alternate solution and began to carefully undo the strap at the back of his glove. She gasped, instinctively sliding a bit away from him on the bench despite her eyes being glued to his actions. The glove slipped off completely and she stared. His skin seemed far less delicate than her own, but she could see that his fingers, while slightly calloused, didn't look too rough. The palm looked large enough to wrap her own thin hands tightly inside and she shivered at the forbidden thought. Never ever ever was anyone supposed to do that. Everyone had to wear gloves around her. Always. Just in case.
"S-Sora, what are you..." She could barely gasp out anything coherent, staring at his hand in wondrous fear.
He flushed again and sighed, straightening up from his sitting position and briefly dusting off his knees. He then moved his hand, palm up, closer towards her and she had to fight every urge in her body not to pull away from him again.
"They also told you that you can't touch anyone, right? That if you do, your powers will go away?"
He gulped, visibly, and she noticed his hand trembling as it hung out in the air in front of her. "L-like I said, this is going to sound crazy, but...I'm pretty sure – no almost completely sure! Even if you take my hand right now you won't lose anything."
Alarm ripped through her and she jumped to her feet, her wobbling legs stumbling back from him.
"W...what!?" She struggled to calm her heart that was thrashing against her chest like a caged animal. "Why...how!? Who told you something like that?"
This time Sora offered the weak smile, using the hand not offered to her to itch the back of his head. "Any other questions you wanna throw in there? I'll try to answer everything."
Her whole body felt like it was going numb from shock and she was forced to lean up against the tall oak tree next to her. "Try. Please."
"I can't find any other way to put this, so I'll just say it. When we met, it was the first night of Darkfall, when the whole world was falling apart. You were...not doing very well. You felt like everything was hopeless because, uh...you already...you already lost your power."
The bark of the tree felt rough under her cheek as she squished her face against it. "Impossible. That's absolutely impossible. If I lost it I wouldn't have it now, Sora. The light doesn't just...come back. Once it's gone, it's gone."
"I don't know how it all works. I'm sure you know the legends and stories way better than I do, but I know what I experienced. I saw someone touch you and you lost it. And after that, you and I definitely held hands and-"
She flushed, intensely, trying not to think about the inviting hand still offered to her. The eyes that wanted her to.
"Wait. Wait, wait. You saw someone touch me? Who?"
He withdrew his hand for a moment, pinching his fingers at the knuckle one at a time nervously. "I'm...not sure you want to know."
"Let me be the judge of what I do and do not want to hear, please. I already told you I'm a big girl."
He nodded compliantly, smirking just a little. Probably happy that she was still in decent enough spirits about the situation to give him a little bit of sass. Unfortunately, his smile was short lived, and her spirits were on a thin rope.
"D-do you remember when I said the reason why I became a knight was because of a promise I made?"
Oh, right. The promise he had made with a certain special someone in the past. "Yes. With a girlfriend of yours."
"Girlfr..." His jaw hung open and he blinked a few times before rapidly shaking his head in denial so fast surely he must have just made himself dizzy. "N-no! It wasn't..."
"But you said it was a special person. A girl. Surely you must have had some sort of relationship together in order to hold a promise with her so dear."
"I...wouldn't really say that we had much of a relationship. I only met her the one time, and not for very long."
Why was it actually not so surprising that Sora of all people would enter into some life-long binding promise with someone he had only just met? Maybe because he was throwing so much unbelievable stuff her way that this was the first thing that made her just give up, shrug and think 'yeah, that sounds about right.'
"She...must have fought incredibly hard to get away from whatever had been chasing her. I don't know how long she had been struggling to stay alive, just to keep breathing. When I found her, even though I was really little I knew; she didn't have a lot of time left. It was horrible."
Kairielis chewed on her bottom lip, struggling not to throw away every inhibition and accept his hand, then hug the pain of that memory away from him. "I'm sorry..."
"I think, if there is a force of fate or destiny out there, it must have led me there. Because she wasn't alone. She...also had her..." He lowered his eyes to the dirt. "She had her daughter wrapped up tight in her arms. She asked me to promise I would keep her daughter safe, to not let anything hurt her any more. She must have been really desperate to ask a kid like me, but I knew I had to do my best to fulfill that promise anyway. I remember the last thing she said was how happy she was that she could at least hold her daughter...and...that's how she..."
Silence fell in the rapidly approaching dusk. Even the cicadas had fallen silent now.
She didn't want to ask.
Kairielis wanted everything to go back to normal. A small gust of wind brought with it the faraway scent of sunflowers. And she wished that she could go there, to the sunflower sea, swinging away on the little island without a care in the world. With him laughing next to her, telling her all sorts of stories about the town and the people within it.
She didn't want to ask, but she had to.
"Sora...please don't tell me..."
His hands shook. And his downcast eyes said far more than his words ever could.
But all she could feel was fear.
"That...that isn't funny. My mother loved me, Sora! She would never have purposefully stolen my ability from me!" The more she thought about it, the more hot anger surged up from her stomach like acid in her throat. Burning tears poured out from her eyes.
It was like a betrayal, ripping into her heart. "H-how dare you. How dare you!"
She didn't even want to use his handkerchief to staunch her tears anymore. She balled it up into her fist, hurling it at the blurry outline of his shape. "Are you suggesting my mother! On purpose? Are you suggesting that all those people who spit on her name, saying she willfully betrayed us all for her own selfish desires were right!?"
"Hold on a minute I never said any of that!" A ripple of frustration crossed his face, which only fueled her own fire even further. He had no right to tell her any of this, to even suggest such a thing!
"I refuse to believe that she did that. I refuse!" Her anger bubbled up further in her stomach, sour and painful. She turned to stomp off to lock herself in her room, knowing it would feel very satisfying to slam a door right about now.
"Please, Kairi!" His desperate voice caused her to halt, his previous frustration evaporated once he realized she was serious.
"I know it's not what you wanted to hear but I'm begging you to please just listen! Even though you lost the light before we met, you got it back! I don't know how, I don't know why, but you did. You even saved my life when you-"
"Stop it."
She tried to swallow back her anger, but it was a meaningless effort. She couldn't take it any more. She just couldn't believe any of this. If she believed him, it meant her mother really was everything that they chattered and murmured behind her back. A traitor. A selfish fool who had risked everything. Better off dead. Their words were poison. If Sora's story was true, it could mean they were justified in dragging her mother's name through the mud.
She could never allow that.
But yet, in his typical stubborn way, he was refusing to back down.
"Kairi...your light is way stronger than they think. Your mother too. All of us hugged each other through the scary times because we loved one another. That was the strength that guided us. Your mother hugged you because she loved you! And even then, your light came back, I think brighter than ever. It won't fade from someone, especially not a friend, holding your hand. I really, really believe that."
Once more, he reached out gently towards her desperately, his palm facing the sky. "You don't have to stay trapped any more! If you take my hand we can show them! You don't need to get married or have a child right away. We can go out to the town and meet all sorts of people! I'll bring you to-"
"Don't!...don't touch me."
He blinked, looking like she had just splashed cold water in his face. And when the realization of her refusal dawned on him, never had she seen him look so absolutely crushed. He sagged, eyes downcast, apologizing to her shoes over and over as if he was now ashamed to even look at her.
"I...I'm sorry, I..."
"Why would you tell me all these horrible things!? One awful thing after the other!? You know that I can't...even if everything you said about my mother and about my light was true, you could never be completely sure I can actually touch anyone! That's just you guessing and hoping it's true! You know I can't take a risk like that. I already told you!"
Another tear ripped into the fabric of her heart.
"Kairi..." It looked like he was struggling not to cry. Guilt and pain twisted into her stomach like a knife, but she couldn't stop her anger and fear from pouring out of her mouth like an out of control torrent of water tumbling off a cliff.
"Why didn't you listen to me this morning!? How many times do I have to tell you!? Every time you try to say there's a way out, that there's some way to save me, it only makes it hurt more!"
He stuttered, his chin trembling. "K-Kairi, it's not-"
"Stop calling me that! I'm not Kairi! Kairi is dead! She died that day and is never coming back! I don't want to hear that name ever again!"
She regretted it the second she said it. He didn't move. Didn't speak. Just kept staring at her with those huge, innocent eyes, looking as lost as a puppy who had just been kicked in the nose and could only blink back at his attacker in disbelief.
The shadows in the garden grew longer, engulfing everything in a haze of dusk and uncertainty.
He finally spoke, his voice much more firm and confident than she expected. "You'll always be Kairi to me. Not a princess. Not anyone else but you."
She burst into tears, clumsily scraping her hands across her eyes. All she wanted was to be alone. She started to run, stumbling, down off the grassy hill towards her room. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sora turn to follow her, and she spun to face him while still backing away one wobbling step after the other step.
"G-get away from me!"
"I...can't. I promised I would-"
She dug her heels into the grass and smeared her tears in a wet sticky mess across her face again.
"But you have to do as I say! Whether you like it or not. Whether you want to admit it or not, I am a princess. And you're nothing but a...st-stupid boy masquerading as a knight!" She turned her face away, unable to look into his hurt expression. "Now kneel!"
"W-what?"
"I said to kneel! I order you to leave me alone! Don't follow me any more!"
She expected him to protest, even just a little, but he said nothing, did nothing. He was just a statue, frozen under the lazily dancing branches of the oak tree. His hands were now limply drooping at his side, all his usual sprightly energy evaporated under her scorching scorn. Why had she said something so horrible? She knew she was wrong. That this was all wrong.
Tears poured freely from her eyes, and she almost wished that he would say something. That he would keep fighting her. Because deep down inside she knew that if he was still fighting, that meant he still cared. That he hadn't given up on her.
"W...well!?"
Kairielis could no longer see his eyes, buried under the chestnut brown spikes on his bowed head. Shadows covered the ground. Night had come. And she could see him struggling.
His hands shook, and he clenched his fist once. Twice. He had been fighting against the raging current of the ocean, this entire time barely keeping his head above water. But now he started to sag, as if a heavy anchor tied around his neck was winning the battle against his endurance and he could no longer hide from its pull. It yanked him with unforgiving abandon down under the surface of the stormy sea, deep into the forgotten dark depths. His lungs gave one final pleading gasp, but she couldn't hear him. Hope spent, he sank.
...And he kneeled.
"As you wish, your highness."
Her title had never sounded so sickening. The fragile image of happiness she so desired shattered like glass into an endless number of pieces, cursed and broken, strewn about her feet.
Her heart did the same.
She didn't even realize she had started to run until she had already made it through the archway into the hall. Gasping and choking for breath, feet crashing and pattering down the corridor, she stumbled. At some point one of her shoes tripped her, and she thumped heavily to the carpet. Her hands slapped the ground with a wet smack. But she didn't feel a thing. She just ripped her heel off, hurled it away from her and continued on.
Kairielis didn't stop until she had collapsed, sobbing, into her bed sheets. They twisted and caught around her fist and she yanked at her trapped arm. Why was everything a lie? Her father's words, her past, her mother, even the duke she was meant to marry. Sora was supposed to be the one thing she could count on to be truthful. The one sincere light that had been helping her navigate this mess. But a cold pail of water had doused everything, and truly washed it all away.
Realizing she had never given Sora the command to rise, she wondered if he was now rigidly following the rules, kneeling in the dirt, waiting. Because he was Mr. dutifully-following-his-orders-now! Her throat clenched tight and she choked on her own breath.
...she had told him not to follow. As a direct order from the princess.
If only she could disappear. For countless hours she was wrapped in that endless sorrow until her consciousness faded into a haze of tears and regret.
Riku stood at the edge of the courtyard. He had a feeling he'd find him here. Even through the darkness of the night he could vaguely make out the Sora-shaped blob slumped over in the dirt. Riku also had a feeling things would turn out like this. But it wouldn't do to point out that, yet again, his warnings hadn't been heeded and, yet again, things had only gotten worse. More importantly, he worried Sora might not take a rejection like that all too well.
Slowly approaching his friend, he eyed Sora's dozing form, slightly bemused. While he expected most of this outcome, he still couldn't figure out why Sora had chosen to make the ground here his bed. Surely it wasn't comfortable in that position.
He reached over and tapped Sora gently on the shoulder. His friend sat up with a gasp, accidentally inhaling a bit of his own drool and spluttered into a brief coughing fit. Nothing a couple slaps on the back couldn't fix.
When it looked like his friend could breathe again, Riku offered him a hand up off the ground, but Sora hesitated. All at once it looked like the recollection of his conversation with the princess had just hit him, and he remained sitting morosely in the dirt.
"Riku...I think I messed up..."
"Yeah. I figured as much when you didn't come back to the bunk." Riku dropped himself down by his side, deciding it was probably better not to delve into the gritty details just yet. And while his friend still seemed shaken, Riku knew him better than that. "But you're not giving up on her, I take it?"
"Nope. Not ever." Sora lifted his chin up triumphantly, wiping dirt and whatever else had gotten on him while he slept off his face.
It was the answer Riku expected to hear, but he was glad to hear it all the same.
"Just making sure, though...you didn't do anything too stupid, did you?"
A brief flush of indignation darted across his friends face, but didn't linger. Instead, he moaned and flopped back onto the ground, sending up a puff of dry dust.
"Define stupid."
Great, that boded well. "...did you touch her?"
Sora spent a while staring up at the constellations sparkling above them without answering. This time of year, it was possible to see the formation of The Bole, otherwise known as the World Tree. It was meant to be like a mother, spreading its boughs to her children below to offer protection, aid and guidance. Sora could probably use some of that right about now. Not that Riku personally believed in any of that astrology nonsense though, but it had been an interesting read one long night shift. And it never hurt to keep the mind open to possibility.
Riku waited until Sora sorted his thoughts out enough to speak up, trying not to let his concern bleed through. No matter if there was a world tree watching over them or not, he knew he needed to be just as sturdy and supportive as one himself. Wordless and waiting.
His friend took a deep breath, and finally opened up.
"I told her everything. Offered her my hand, but she didn't take it."
It took everything inside him not to outright chastise him right there, but he steadied himself and rubbed his eyes, letting Sora continue without an interruption.
"I didn't touch her but I wanted to. Really badly." He groaned again and slumped his arms to the ground above his head, pushing another cloud of dust out with them. "It's like every time I look at her I'm losing all my self control. I've never felt that way before. Everything feels so...fuzzy. Then, little by little I slowly stop caring about all the stupid rules."
"Heh..." He couldn't help it, and put a mocking hand on his chest, as if lost in nostalgia. "They grow up so fast..."
Sora's expression soured. "S-shut up. Aren't you supposed to be helping?"
"Alright then, get up. We're going to meet someone." Hoisting himself up he dusted off his own outfit with a few well-placed pats.
Confused, Sora glanced up at the dark sky and the vast constellations still twinkling within it. "Meet someone? Isn't it super late by now?"
"You want to help her, right? Then you'll need to come with me." Riku extended a hand, but his friend still hesitated, chewing a little on the corner of his mouth.
"Wher-"
"Come on already, I'll explain on the way. We need to get moving. And you need to be resolved to do whatever if takes, even if its difficult."
Sora steeled himself, nodded, and attempted to try standing, but he suddenly wobbled and flopped back down heavily to the ground, slight shame washing over his face. "Uh...I think my legs fell asleep..."
...and yet again Riku was not surprised.
"Well why the hell were you even sleeping out here?"
Sora jabbed a finger sheepishly into the sandy ground, burying it up to his first knuckle. "She told me to kneel then never told me I could stand up, so I was kinda stuck. I didn't mean to fall asleep..."
Without hesitation, Riku gave that little dork of a friend exactly what he deserved: a hearty flick to the forehead.
"Ow! Hey..." Sora rubbed at his new sore spot and frowned incredulously.
Still a sap. Still the same old Sora. What a relief.
But Riku decided it was no longer worth trying to fight any of this. His friend was in this far too deep, and it was too late to turn back from any of this now. They had to see this through. Both of them, for better or for worse.
For once, she didn't remember her nightmares. But her aching head from the tossing and turning all night long, and the stickiness of the sweat-stained sheets made it very clear she hadn't escaped them. If anything, it was the worst sleep of her life.
If she struggled, the only bits she could recall were gushing streams of darkness, screaming, and the inexplicably strong scent of chamomile. Not something she wanted to fight to remember, really.
She remained flopped back in her bed, her legs splayed out in front of her. Even though she had been awake for a while now she couldn't muster up the slightest smidgen of energy to pull herself up, let alone get dressed and ready for the day. Could today be canceled? Tomorrow too?
A light knock at the door sent her jolting up, and she scrambled to free herself from the sticky death grip of the fabric wrapped around half her body. They were here already. Sora was just on the other side of that door. If he was brave enough to face her today, she would march right up to him and look him right in those bright eyes of his and…and...
...likely crumble into an undignified mess of tears.
Ugh, what was she even going to say to him? Just pretend nothing happened yesterday? As if that was going to work…
More than anything she wanted to apologize. She wanted to scream and beg for him to forgive her for lashing out in such a stupid, emotional, uncaring way. Yet that still didn't stop her from feeling sullen and baffled by everything he had told her. It was all too fresh, just the idea of it.
She had no idea what she was going to do. But running from it wasn't really going to change the truth. Whatever the truth really was. No matter what had been told to her, the one thing she had decided amidst all the tears, and fearful jolts awake through stormy dreams, was that she needed to know the truth. And Riku had been right.
"Sometimes the truth is more difficult to accept than a finely crafted lie."
He really was offering a warning of what was to come. He must have been opposed to even saying anything about this to her but Sora just charged ahead like a stupid, stubborn…
It was undeniable. He was both of those things. But that stupid stubbornness was what made him so wonderful. Red and sore, her eyes had not yet recovered from the night and the fresh tears stung.
The knock at her door returned, still just as tentative and soft as before, and she weakly called out to it.
"I...I'm here. I'll get up now..."
It was more effort than she expected just to heave herself out of bed, and throw on a simple dress. She didn't even bother with her hair this morning. Maybe if she looked like a slob when she had to go meet Hans for tea after the ritual he would decide he didn't like her and leave...
Fat chance.
She gulped, and swung open her door, blinking out into the dazing morning light gleaming towards her, blinding her vision for a moment.
"First of all, I just wanted to say-"
Someone grunted.
And the large, boulder-sized guard looming over her, casting a shadow across the hall was not who she expected at all.
"Wh...why are you…?"
The world spun, and the only thing she could focus on were the forms of her two former personal guards, Eleaus and Dilan, occupying the only place she never wanted to see them in again. In the one place she never wanted anyone else to be.
"...Why aren't they...here...?"
Dilan wordlessly tightened the strap on his gloves, his thick twists of rough black hair still as twine-like as she remembered, while Eleaus, even more silent than his partner, seemed content just keeping his eyes closed in meditation. And her confusion gave way to frustration.
"Answer already!"
But she knew they weren't going to say a thing. They never had before, so why should they have changed? The best she would get was that grunt from earlier. Unmatched fury coursed through her body and she took off running down the hall, straight for Ienzo's room. She couldn't stand being ignored and toyed with any further. If there was anyone who had a record of what was going on, it was him. There was vaguely a protest shouted after her from one of the knights she had left behind, but that didn't matter.
Nothing else mattered right now.
She pounded her fist into the hardwood of the records room furiously. Everything was silent on the other end and she growled. Why was no one going to answer her today!?
Nope, nope, nope. If he thought he could lock her out, oh is he going to have another think coming. He was not locking her out. Not. Now.
She unleashed everything she could onto the poor door, shaking it in its frame, shouting, kicking, rattling the doorknob repetitively. Until finally, finally, she heard the latch being lifted open from the other side and it creaked open to reveal a face with the same repressed exasperation as someone trying to teach Berlioz how not to claw the curtain for the seventieth time.
Before Ienzo could even speak she had already started in on him, her voice so loud it echoed down the hallway, turning the heads of several cleaning staff who were sweeping up.
"What is the meaning behind this?" She gestured angrily to the two guards who had now filed up behind her after her mad dash through the castle.
Ienzo's eye definitely twitched, his voice dripping with early morning disdain. "...your highness, your personal guard is meant to follow you for-"
"You know what I mean!"
Opening the door further, he sighed and stepped back to allow her into the room. She immediately charged in and dropped herself down onto one of the large armchairs to await her past due explanation. Crossing both her arms and legs she stared him down.
Ienzo mumbled something indecipherable, grabbed for a book and flipped through a few pages until he got to a spare piece of parchment tucked inside. "If her highness is referring to the changing of her guards, may I remind her that this was only done as per her own orders..."
The parchment slipped easily out from between the pages and he held it aloft. She dashed over to snatch it from his grip.
"I did no such thing!"
A cursory glance down at the paper told her nothing, so she squinted in order to try and scrutinize it more carefully. Wading through the verbose flowery garbage proved fruitless until the very last section.
"As it follows, this knight reported feeling his presence was ultimately a hindrance to her highness' happiness and per her orders to, as was quoted, 'stop following me', wishes to voluntarily withdraw his position. The second of the guard subsequently followed, stating he couldn't in good conscience-"
Kairielis jabbed her finger in offense at the parchment, which made Ienzo visibly wince as her nails scraped against the thin material. "Voluntarily withdraw!? Does that mean they are...gone? F-forever? Because they..."
...because they gave up on me?
"They are still knights, of course, merely reassigned. Their resignation was only for the post of-"
No. She wasn't letting them go.
"I rescind the resignation! Immediately!"
"I'm afraid that isn't possible." Ienzo glared at her sharply. "After all, there shouldn't be any reason to want any guards over any others, correct? Any is as good as any other."
"I...I know, but..."
Her stomach twisted even further; her sweat ran cold. There was a painful, throb in her chest, as vicious and restrictive as a snake wrapped around her heart, squeezing hard. Whatever anger and denial she had before was now eroded away by its venom, leaving her with nothing but this miserable creature born of guilt choking her every breath.
Ienzo started to list rules. Laws. Statues and addendum after addendum. Any other sort of ordinance in the book, but the words only thudded heavily through her mind like lead weights stacking up on her head. It all meant the same thing.
Sora really had listened to her orders, and stopped following her.
He left her alone.
If I had taken his hand...would today be any different?
Even though he was still somewhere in the castle for now, there was no telling where he might be sent off to next. There was a chance they could cross paths again, but she knew that wasn't a guarantee. The kingdom was vast, and the number of tasks they could assign to someone in his position were just as plentiful.
She might never see him again.
But for the first time in what felt like forever, the tears refused to fall. It was impossible to know what would happen in the days to come, but her resolve was as sure as stone. If Sora thought he could run away that easily he was mistaken. He might be one stupid, stubborn boy, but she was just as headstrong, just as relentless. And as enigmatic as the past was to her right now, she was not going to also give up on the future.
It was all she had.