The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off eating cake. This takes place very shortly after the story: How To Get Banned From Argo Le Spa.
Let Them Eat Inappropriate Cake
Mallory was sitting next to Archer's bedside reading a book. "It's so dull around here today. I wish someone would visit."
"Hey Ms. Archer!" Pam said as she walked in with Ray, Cheryl and Krieger. Cheryl was carrying a cake. "How's it hanging?"
"Isn't he dead yet?" Cheryl asked. "Man, he's dragging this out."
"Just let me know when he does go!" Kreger said cheerfully. "I'll get the lab set up!"
"And I will get the party set up," Ray added.
"I take it back!" Mallory said as she rolled her eyes upward. "I should have just embraced the dull before the Dull came to visit!"
"How are you doing?" Ray asked.
"I'm assuming you're just making small talk instead of being completely oblivious to my son's condition?" Mallory glared at him.
"It was either that or tell you how horrible you look," Ray shot back. "What happened? Are you running out of scotch? You look almost sober."
"Unfortunately, I am running a bit low," Mallory grumbled. "Would it really kill the hospital to open up a bar with in room service around here?"
"That would be one way to cut the costs of health care," Krieger said. "What are you doing?"
"I'm reading this book," Mallory sighed. "Daddy's Little Disappointment. How to love a child that doesn't live up to your standards. I admit it. There are some good tips in here."
"Is one of them faking affection?" Ray asked.
"Chapter 3," Mallory admitted. "How to Say Atta Boy Even When You Don't Mean It."
"So, you've been catching up on your reading?" Pam asked. "That's nice."
"Yeah, it's been a real hoot and a half," Mallory said sarcastically. "I've already read most of the books on my bucket list and then some. And to be honest, more than half of them weren't worth the hype."
"Oh, speaking of which," Pam said. "We went to see Lana's date last night at Argo Le Spa!"
"I know…" Mallory groaned. "You don't have to tell me anything else. The date didn't end well and Lana will never see the man again."
"How do you know that?" Cheryl was stunned. "Did you talk to an old gypsy lady?"
"You idiots were there and there was a gunfight that made the evening news," Mallory looked at them. "I can connect the dots."
"Oh," Pam blinked.
"And I'm guessing I'm not getting any Red Velvet cake, aren't I?" Mallory sighed.
"You guess incorrect Madame!" Krieger showed her the box. "Ask and you shall receive!" He opened the box.
Mallory sighed as she looked inside. "I didn't ask for an ass cake, you assholes!"
"Well they didn't have a Red Velvet dick cake," Pam remarked.
"Oh, this is just perfect," Mallory groaned. "Not only did Sterling not have any cake on his birthday yesterday, the cake I did get is an ass cake! Then again this is Sterling I'm talking about…"
"Wait, what?" Krieger did a double take as he put the cake down on a table.
"Yesterday was Archer's birthday?" Ray gasped.
"I knew there was something we forgot!" Cheryl snapped her fingers.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Pam asked.
Mallory glared at her. "Because I didn't want you idiots to screw things up doing something stupid and inappropriate! Which of course…" She pointed to the cake. "This proves my instincts were correct!"
"Okay we can still fix this!" Pam said. "I know! We can throw Archer a birthday party today!"
"But his birthday was yesterday," Krieger pointed out.
"So? He's in a coma," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "He won't know the difference. And if he wakes up, we'll just tell him his birthday is today!"
"He's right!" Pam said. "We could celebrate Archer's birthday today! I'll call Lana…"
"God no!" Mallory snapped. "I have a feeling Lana has been through enough! In fact, you people don't have to do this! Seriously! Don't!"
Ray looked at her. "You just want to be able to guilt Lana so you can manipulate her into doing you a favor in the future don't you?"
"You know me so well," Mallory admitted. "But the rest of you, no party! I repeat! No party!"
"Oh, come on Ms. Archer," Pam said. "We have to celebrate Archer's birthday! Even if it is a day late."
"Yeah it must have been horrible," Cheryl had a creepy grin on her face. "The two of you. Alone. Abandoned. Watching your son waste away…"
"Well…" Mallory paused. "It wasn't completely like that…"
FLASHBACK!
"Happy birthday to yoooooooooouuuu!" Mallory, Gladys, several other nurses and some other patients sang to Archer while he was passed out cold. He had a Happy Birthday party hat on. There were some colorful balloons tied to his bed and some bright flowers on the table.
"Happy Birthday Sterling," Mallory sighed.
"We got you a cake," Gladys said as they showed her a sheet cake with candles on it. "White cake with vanilla frosting."
"They didn't have Red Velvet huh?" Mallory sighed. "Oh well, it will have to do." She blew out the candles.
"There's some nice fruit punch for everyone as well as cake," Gladys said to the group.
"I don't suppose anyone is willing to go on a drink run and get some bourbon?" Mallory asked. The nurses looked at her. "What?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Now that I think about it," Mallory mused. "It was one of the nicer birthday parties Sterling has ever had. There were no dead or passed out hookers. No fights. No fires. No visits from the police. No broken dishes or valuable objects. No gunfire. Nobody got drunk. How could they? Other than that heart attack down the hall it was pretty uneventful."
Mallory added. "Besides, Mrs. Shelndowski didn't have any family. And that broach she had looks better on me anyway."
"Well we're having a party now," Pam said. "Krieger do you still have that disco ball in your van?"
"I knew I shouldn't have said anything," Mallory groaned. "As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew it was a mistake!"
"Okay we have cake," Pam said. "Cheryl, we need to get balloons, flowers…Definitely the disco ball."
"No!" Mallory snapped. "No party! You idiots had your chance yesterday and blew it! No party!"
"I'll go to the corner store to get some alcohol," Ray said simply.
Mallory didn't miss a beat. "I'll round up the other patients and nurses. The rest of you get flowers and balloons. No disco balls!"
It wasn't long before Archer's room was full of people, mostly nurses and other patients. The room was full of balloons, there was music playing from a small radio and there was a punch bowl in the corner.
"Didn't we have a party here yesterday?" A nurse asked Gladys.
"Yes, and we're having another one today," Gladys told her.
"For the same person?" The first nurse asked.
"Yes," Gladys sighed.
"Don't tell Mr. Barron," Another nurse said. "I think his dementia is flaring up again."
An old man in a wheelchair rolled in. "Oh boy! A party! I haven't been to one of these in a long time!"
"At least this will make him happy today," Gladys sighed. "By the way don't touch the punch. It has more alcohol in it than the wine aisle at Whole Foods."
"I'm at the end of a twelve-hour shift and I'm not driving," Another nurse went to get some punch. "I can handle a drink. Or two…"
"Oh, for the love of Christ!" Mallory was heard. "Can't you idiots do anything right?"
"What is she bitching about now?" The second nurse grumbled.
"I'll go see," Gladys rolled her eyes. She went over to Mallory who was berating her staff. "What's wrong this time?"
"Do you have a working pair of eyes?" Mallory snapped. "Or are those glasses on the fritz? Look!"
Gladys saw the balloons. They said: IT'S A GIRL! IT'S A BOY! GET WELL SOON! BABY! There were also several balloons of various animals and cartoon characters.
"I think the get well ones aren't that bad," Krieger remarked.
"And the animal ones are nice too," Ray said.
"That's because you people are animals!" Mallory groaned. "I'm lucky you brought the cake in the right flavor!"
"Despite the fact that it's extremely inappropriate," Gladys groaned.
"You don't know Archer," Pam said. "Trust me, it's appropriate."
"It does capture the essence of Archer's personality," Ray agreed.
"I think the cake we had yesterday was just fine," Gladys said.
"It was a vanilla sheet cake you could get at the grocery store," Mallory sniffed. "It had a tang to it I didn't care for. Red Velvet is far superior."
"Especially when it's in the shape of a posterior," Krieger quipped.
"You said you didn't have a cake yesterday," Pam looked at Mallory.
"Are you really surprised she lied?" Ray asked.
"So, what exactly do you people do?" Gladys asked, deciding wisely to change the subject.
"As little as possible," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.
"That's not true," Pam said. "We've been really busy lately improving ourselves."
"Oh, this should be good for a laugh," Mallory groaned. "How?"
"Me, Lana, Pam and Cyril now each have an online degree in Entrepreneurial Business," Ray explained. "It was one of those programs that credited life experience."
Krieger added. "Since Cyril has a law degree and runs the agency, he got his pretty fast."
"So did I!" Pam grinned. "All my HR experience and degrees really helped."
"We did ours pretty fast too," Ray said. "A lot of them were office software tests. Basically, if you know Excel, Outlook and Word Perfect you have an in. And a book on business that you can cheat off of while taking the test."
"It made sense to get an extra degree," Pam admitted. "And it looks good on a resume."
"But what does Entrepreneurial Business mean?" Gladys asked.
Pam explained. "It means if this detective thing doesn't work out, we can always open our own juice bar."
"Why not a regular bar?" Mallory asked.
"And have you and everyone else drink all the profits?" Ray asked.
Mallory remarked. "Good point. Regular juice bar is the way to go."
"You two didn't get a degree?" Gladys asked Krieger and Cheryl.
"I'm rich and own a multi-billion-dollar company!" Cheryl snickered. "What do I need a degree for?"
"Stupid question," Gladys groaned.
"I'm working on a different degree," Krieger said. "I've decided to go for an actual doctorate online."
"In what?" Gladys asked.
"Whatever I can pass," Krieger shrugged.
"I await with baited breath," Mallory groaned as she took another drink. "Considering you couldn't even get into Grenada…"
"Excuse me," Mr. Barron asked as he wheeled up to them. "Am I related to any of you people?"
"Depends," Cheryl said. "Are you rich?"
"I'll take you over here Mr. Barron…" Gladys groaned as she took the wheelchair and wheeled him away.
"Just try not to screw up this party any more than you already have!" Mallory ordered the others.
"How could we screw up a party?" Cheryl snorted.
"I ask myself that very same question every time," Mallory sighed. "And every time I get a new answer."
"It won't be that bad," Pam waved. "I promise."
Ten minutes later…
"HOW THE HELL DID CAROL GET INTO THE ETHER SO FAST?" Mallory shouted at Ray and Krieger. Cheryl was passed out on the floor with a happy grin on her face.
"How did she get the ether in the first place?" Ray snapped.
"How does Cheryl get anything?" Krieger shrugged. "I'm seriously asking."
"Ms. Archer…" Gladys walked over. "You need to do something about…What the hell happened to her?"
"She got into the either," Mallory sighed. "We have no idea how."
"We're going to need some help here!" Gladys ordered. "Wendy! Get away from the punch and help me!"
"Relax," Mallory waved as she took a drink. "This isn't the first time Carol has used chemicals to make herself unconscious. Now that I think about it, ether is a step up for her!"
"Somebody get Dr. Gorenstien!" Gladys called out as she bent over Cheryl to help her.
"Dr. Gorenstien has passed out in the hall," Another nurse walked in to help Gladys.
"The man only had two cups of punch and he's out like a light," Ray said. "You wouldn't think a doctor would be such a lightweight."
"I know, right?" Mallory agreed.
CRASH!
"Oh, for the love of…" Gladys groaned. "Now what?" She went out to investigate.
"Hello!" Cheryl sat up and giggled. "I'd like more giggle gas please!"
"See? She's fine!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "You don't have to indulge her!"
"But she's giggling uncontrollably," The nurse said.
"She was probably dreaming about fire again," Ray sighed.
"I was!" Cheryl giggled happily.
"Ms. Archer!" Gladys stormed in dragging Pam with her. "You need to get your people under control!"
"We were just having a little fun," Pam said. "You don't need to get your panties in a twist."
"Wheelchair races in the halls are not appropriate!" Gladys shouted.
"Who made you the Appropriate Police?" Pam asked.
"Pam even I know that it's bad enough you organized wheelchair races," Mallory glared at her. "But knowing you, I bet you were betting on them!"
"You'd win that bet," Gladys groaned.
"I was gonna cut you in for a piece of the action," Pam protested.
"How much?" Mallory asked.
"Seriously?" Gladys shouted.
"Mr. Barron hit his head!" A nurse walked in.
"I won…" Mr. Barron was heard saying weakly. "I'd like to thank the hosts of the Indy 500…"
"The man has dementia," Mallory waved. "It couldn't have done that much damage."
"By the way nurse," Krieger asked. "Is there any way I could get free samples?"
"Of what?" Gladys asked.
"What have you got?" Krieger asked. "I'll take drugs. Medical equipment. Body parts that were removed during surgery nobody wants."
Gladys looked at him. "Do you actually hear yourself speak?"
"I wish we couldn't," Mallory sighed.
"Gladys," Another nurse walked in. "The coma patient in 7B woke up! He was complaining about the noise."
"Seriously," Krieger said. "It doesn't matter if it's a diseased liver or a cancer ridden tumor. I'll take anything."
"With or without your permission," Ray quipped.
"I could go for some more ether!" Cheryl called out as she stood up.
"THAT'S IT!" Gladys shouted. "Party's over! Everybody out! Out! Before I ban the lot of you!"
"Jesus," Pam grumbled as she grabbed some flowers. "What's got her panties in a twist?"
"Some people just don't know how to have a good time I guess," Cheryl shrugged as they left. She grabbed some balloons and started to suck on the helium. "HA! HA!"
"Are they always this crazy?" Another nurse asked Mallory.
"This was actually tame and considerate for them," Mallory shrugged. "Oh well, more punch for me."
WHAM!
"God damn it Wendy," Gladys groaned as a nurse passed out on the floor. "What was in that punch?"
"Just normal alcohol," Mallory said. "Boy there are a lot of lightweights around here."
"I just figured out why a lot of people transferred off this floor," Gladys grumbled as she went to help Wendy. "This was insane!"
"Again," Mallory sighed. "Still nicer than most of Sterling's birthday parties."