"You know the little voice inside your head that says killing is wrong?" He tried to say the words lightly but they stuck in his throat. He held his palm to the door, eyes flickering gold and magic bubbling within him as he used every protection ward he could think of.
"Merlin, I promise your not going to kill me-" The door thudded heavily as he slammed into it. Again. Like the seven times before, it didn't even tremble. Arthur's blasphemous mutterings were muffled by the door.
"What did you do to my door?! Merlin!"
"Well, my little voice is sort of gone. saying rather the opposite of what it's supposed to be." He couldn't think of any more spells. Did he really know only sixteen?!
His head pulsed with the lies. The beautiful twisted lies. Such a likeness to the woman who implanted them in his head. Sinister evil behind warm smiles and white dresses.
Kill him. It's so easy. Just open the door.
The words felt so right- a kind friend's gentle encouragement. It was so easy. All he had to do was open the door...
"It's my room!"
The exasperated shout snapped Merlin back to himself and he yanked his hand away from the doorknob, horror jolting through him as he realized what he'd nearly done. He staggered desperately away from the door, his hands trembling.
I almost killed him! Sparks and spades and holy heavens above- I almost killed him!
Panic raced through his veins, seeping like poison into every fiber of his being. His heart thudded painfully against its cage as he fought to still the trembling that shook him from head to toe. He'd almost killed Arthur.
"Merlin- just open the door! Whatever she's done, I promise we'll fix it-" he continued- his voice suddenly soft and coaxing. Merlin wanted to believe him. Wanted to open the door work with Arthur and the Round Table to break the curse. He ached to.
His blood chilled as he realized the ache wasn't him.
Open the door...
It was the curse.
"I'm not killing you!" Merlin shouted, his voice sounding annoyed normal. Almost. He stole a shaky breath and forced the terror writhing inside him into a tight ball. He didn't have time to panic. Who knew how long he could resist the slippery pull in his head? He had to seal his prison now, before it was too late.
"You won't, I promise- I could take you apart in one blow-" Arthur tried again.
"I could take you apart in less than that!" Merlin bellowed as he spun away from the door. The room looked back at him, the fire from hearth giving everything an innocent glow that belied the severity of the situation.
The situation.
The: he was cursed to kill Arthur and he's the prophesied Emerys who is the most powerful warlock in the world- literally magic itself and very capable of easily killing said Dollophead instead of fulfilling his destiny to protect him, situation.
"Oh spades and sparks and stars- I'm trying to kill Arthur!" He gasped, unable to hear how breathless he sounded. He was too far gone.
He was dizzy, his mind spinning as it tried desperately to understand the full depth of the situation.
The walls were closing in as he desperately tried to drag air into his lungs- his whole world pivoting off it's axis and whirling away into space. He was trying to kill Arthur. His closest friend- his King- the prat he'd been trying to protect and willing to die for since he'd come to Camelot!
He was trying to kill him!
His heartbeat roared in his ears as he collapsed- the ground rising up to catch him with a thump. He couldn't breath. The walls were closing in and he was trying to kill Arthur and he couldn't breath and was this what dying felt like? Oh Sparks he couldn't breath!
He heard voices. Eons away. Unimportant. Loud.
They bellowed above the screaming of his pulse and the racing of his blood and the thudding of his heart and the spinning in his head-their sheer volume commanding his attention.
"Merlin, I'm coming in!"
The voice was wild- panicked? A thud-like smashing sound.
"Ow…" the same voice said, sounding suddenly subdued.
"You idiot! He's reinforced the door!" He knew that voice as well as his own.
Arthur.
But that didn't make sense. Arthur was hitting the door and yelling at him. Wasn't he? Or had he already killed him? Was he dead now? Was that why Merlin couldn't breath? Was the air being stolen from him as punishment? Was this hell?
"He's scared to death in there -alone- he can't even breath! What do you expect me to do!" The other voice- he knew that voice too. He yelled a lot. Insults in… taverns. When he drank too much and couldn't afford to pay...Gwaine... But that was wrong- Arthur was dead, and Merlin had killed him and was suffocating in hell, why could he hear Gwaine?!
"I expect you to do something useful and help! He's panicking because he's cursed to kill me- and you're trying to open the door he blocked so he couldn't! Now go do something productive and tell Gaius what happened. Then gather the Round Table and start looking for the cure, we need to find it as soon as possible."
Arthur wasn't making sense. He was dead. And Merlin was suffocating in the afterlife for murderers- that's why he couldn't breath and the world was going black and-
"Merlin, Merlin- can you hear me?" Arthur- his voice softer than a couple moments-years?-ago. Merlin could barely hear it over the sound of his whole body being ripped apart in the fires of hell.
But he could hear it.
And it didn't make sense Arthur was dead! He'd killed him. Hadn't he?
But Arthur kept talking.
"Merlin, I want you to listen to my voice, okay? I want you to close your eyes and listen to my voice." His voice was low and soothing. Almost like his Mother's lullabies. A tiny spark of peace in the chaos writhing inside him. He trusted it- that tiny, pathetic spark in the dark. He closed his eyes.
"Merlin, you are alright. It's me, Arthur. I'm right here. I'm alive."
He was alive? Then why couldn't Merlin breath?!
"I'm alive-you didn't kill me and your not going too, I promise. You already got a head start on that, remember?" He did?
"You ran into my chambers and you blocked the door so I can't get in-it's like you forgot who's King around here- but it's okay, because we'll figure out how to break the curse and I'll throw you in the stocks."
Everything would be okay.
But it wasn't. He couldn't breath! Terror raced through his veins and his heart throbbed too fast and hard against his chest and he tried! He heard the terrible gasps as he tried to drag air into his desperate lungs- but he couldn't breath!
" Ar'tur- " He begged, a dying wheeze. " Please… can' breah-"
"Yes, you can." Arthur said immediately. His voice firm-an anchor for Merlin to latch too. "Yes, you can, Merlin. I need you to keep listening to me, okay. Right now your not thinking clearly. Gaius told us about this, remember? Your scared and your breathing too much-"
" Can' breah!"
"I know, I know- I hear you, Merlin. But you have to trust me. Your getting too much air because your scared. Keep your eyes closed and stop focusing on your breathing-"
"I can'-!"
"Merlin, I promise this will help! Listen to me, focus on what I am saying- don't focus on trying to breath, focus on my voice-"
Desperately, nothing else to try, Merlin listened.
"Your going to be okay, Merlin. I'm the King and I'm commanding it. Your going to be cured and then I'm going to make your life miserable. I'm going to take you on a big hunt to celebrate, and then you'll catch up on all the chores you missed while you were lazing about in my bedroom. After that I'll take you out on the training field and I'll whack you until you learn to fight so we don't ever have this whole: you get kidnapped and cursed to kill me mess happen again. And then I'll hand you a quill and some ink, and I'll have your write one thousand times: I will not lock the King out of his chambers again on my door. Then you'll scrub it off, obviously. Destroying my door is a public offense so then you'll go back to the stocks..."
Merlin could breath. Cold, sweet air filled his lungs, rushed through his blood, loosened the knot in his chest, filled his mind with clarity.
He could breath!
"Your a clot-pole…" Merlin mumbled slightly breathlessly and Arthur laughed, the sound heavy with relief.
"At least I'm not a girl jumping at her shadow! ' I can't breath! I can't breath!' "
"Maybe I should open the door. All of my problems would be solved." Merlin said lightly, scanning his surroundings. He was on the floor. Probably the lack of air.
"For once your talking sense! Open the door and we'll figure this whole mess out-"
Merlin shuddered and the curse pulsed within him, making the idea sound outrageously attractive.
He had to do something about that.
An idea suddenly dawned.
One his entire being repulsed at, one that sent his heart beating erratically and his magic revolting inside him.
One that would solve the problem.
One that would stop him from killing Arthur-
He had to do it.
"Can you imagine the possibilities? I'd get to sleep in every morning-"
Merlin heaved himself up his feet, surveying Arthur's room again. Now he knew what to do, he only had to find them.
"You already do, you lazy sock! Open the door."
"Wouldn't have to go on anymore cruel hunts…"
Where were they? Or any place he cleaned often, he hadn't seen them in months. But they were Uther's last 'gift'. They were here.
"Merlin! If you don't open my door-!"
"What would you do? You can't get in!"
Now I just have to make sure I can't get out.
"It's my room! You can't just lock the King out of his bedchamber! Where am I going to sleep?! And what about my wife?! "
"Your welcome to my bed. Gwen'll have to stay with Elyan. Tell her I'm sorry."
Not in the closet. Not in the dresser- maybe the hidden compartment in the hearth? Merlin crosses over to the pleasant fireplace and dragged over Arthur's chair.
"Merlin! You cannot split me and my wife! She's the Queen, she can't sleep in a blacksmith's shop! And I refuse to sleep in my servant's bed!"
"You could share, but my bed isn't the size of your ego, I doubt you'll both fit. And Gaius is right next door and I imagine his snoring isn't the most romantic sound for any marriage pleasures-"
He stepped on the chair until he reached the slightly crooked stone that covered the compartment he thought Merlin knew nothing about. Idiot king.
" Merlin-! If you don't open my door this instant-"
"You won't die? What part of 'I'm trying to save your life isn't sinking in?!' You should be on your knees singing my praises, you ungrateful Clot-pole! 'Oh thank you Merlin. I'd be dead without you, Merlin. I'm so glad you resisted my idiotic threats Merlin. Have some time off, Merlin-'"
He pulled out the stone, grunting slightly as he took the full weight, the rough underside of the stone scraping his skin. He winced and, unable to carry it anymore, dropped it to the ground. It cracked- exploding with a loud thump into a cloud of dust.
"What was that?! What're you doing to my room? Merlin!"
Dust stinging his eyes, coughing and fanning in front of his face, Merlin turned back to the compartment.
"Renovating- how fond are you of your dresser? The clothes are all too small for you anyway-"
"You leave my dresser alone- what do you mean 'too small'? I am fighting fit!"
The compartment was full of the random knick knacks that Arthur considered his most precious treasures.
A scraps of the dresses Gwen wore for their first kiss and their wedding day.
The dagger Morgana gave him after he teased her into her first words after her father's death.
The gauntlet from the first knight's challenge he'd ever fought.
The old blue cloak Merlin had lent him all those years ago.
His mother's wedding ring.
And- there they were!
"Merlin, you're quiet. Is everything alright in there?" Arthur asked, his voice almost hesitant. No longer exasperated or irritated. Worried.
"Of course everything's alright. You're locked outside."
It wasn't. He was about to do the scariest thing in his life. He was terrified. His magic thrummed against what he was about to do, begging him not too, twisting inside him until he felt physically sick at the thought.
But he had too.
For Arthur.
"Merlin, please. Your doing something stupid, I know it- I order you to stop! Your not a danger to me-"
But I am. He grabbed them, pulled them out and held the terrible things in his hands.
"I promise I can take you in any fight. We'll go to Gaius and we'll find the cure-"
The cool metal chilled his blood and seared his heart. His magic twisted and writhed inside of him. He wanted to drop the terrible things and crush them beneath his worn boots. But he couldn't. He needed them.
For Arthur.
"You can't guarantee that, Arthur. And your life isn't something I'm willing to risk."
Every part of him screamed as he locked the cuffs around his wrists.
His magic froze. Unable to move. Trapped. Locked. Helpless.
Useless.
He turned back to the door that was now truly his prison.
"I'm not doing anything stupid, Arthur. Just ensuring some extra security."
"Arthur, how long has it been?"
"Three minutes since the last time you asked." Arthur growled. The second he heard Arthur's voice the constant itch wriggling at the back of his mind intensified suddenly burning through him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
I can't. Merlin thought with satisfaction. He decided to try distracting himself by rubbing his wrists around their iron cages. He'd thought he'd locked them loosely, but the skin was pinched and rubbing painfully against the metal. And cold. So cold. He sat under Arthur's thick quilts with the fire roaring cheerfully across the room, but he still shivered.
But he was fine. It wasn't so bad as he'd thought it would be.
His true problem was boredom, really.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked softly and the urge lurched inside of him. Merlin groaned. So much for distraction.
"Will you shut up? Every time you talk I want to put you in the stocks and throw daggers instead of fruit."
"Mer-lin, I'm the King. You don't give the orders here. Besides- Guinevere!" Arthur's voice immediately brightened and a shuffling sound drifted through the door.
"Hello Gwen!" Merlin called, grateful for the distraction. The only company for the last eight hours was the man whose every arrogant remark initiated Merlin's desire to strangle him to death. He so desperate for anyone he didn't want to kill, he would have been willing to talk to George.
When neither responded but with ragged gasps, he guessed what they were doing.
"Gross. Get your hands off my friend, you clotpole!" He heard Gwen's breathless laugh and Arthur's righteous growl.
"She's my wife! I'll do whatever I please-"
"Not locked out of our room you won't-" Gwen said.
"That's not my fault-!" Arthur started loudly but Gwen began talking again and he immediately shut up.
"Hello Merlin. I've brought dinner- it's roast lamb. Still warm actually." She called cheerfully.
"Guinevere, we have servants for that-" Arthur's voice triggered the urge to leap within him- but the smell wafting through the door was enough to distract him from the pull. His mouth watered as he realized he wouldn't be able to eat it. He heart twisted as he realized the implications.
"Well, I couldn't just sit around doing nothing and you two haven't eaten for hours- come on, Merlin, open up! It's cooling quickly!" She called the last bit louder, rapping gently on the door.
"Thank you, Gwen, but I'm alright! I'm not very hungry." He tried to convince himself it was true. He wasn't hungry. He was going to be just fine.
There was only silence for a long moment.
Then Arthur scoffed.
"Your joking."
Merlin's heart sunk a little but he forced a grin to the empty room.
"No, I'm not, I'm fine-"
"Merlin, I brought food for both of you, there's plenty. Your not putting anyone out-" Gwen began reasonably.
Merlin shook his head fiercely. Not that they could see.
"No, really, I'm not hungry-"
"Merlin, you haven't eaten in nearly two days, your half starved by now! You need to eat. I can go fetch some soup and bread, that'll be easier on your stomach-"
Why were they making this so hard? It wasn't possible! He'd been an idiot not to think of before but now it was too late.
"No, thank you but-" he tried again but Arthur cut him off.
"It's about the blasted door again, isn't it?" His voice was a strange combination of incredulous and accusation.
"Arthur, I-" Merlin tried but a thump crashed through the air, shaking the door ever so slightly.
"Arthur-" Gwen began soothingly, but Arthur overrode her- his bellow ringing through the air and piercing Merlin.
"No! No, absolutely not! This has gone far enough! You are not starving yourself to death over this stupid door! Get off your scrawny backside now and open the door this instant-do you hear me?!"
"It'd be impossible not to, sire-" Merlin tried, hoping the familiar quips would calm his King.
"No! You haven't eaten in two days- you are not going to stay there and die while we take heaven knows how long trying to find the cure! Now stop being an idiot and open this door at once!"
"Arthur, calm down-"
"I can't." Merlin sighed softly but Arthur heard it. There was silence for a moment.
"What do you mean you can't? Don't be stupid, of course you can!" The anger was bleeding out of his voice now. Leaving something raw and worried behind.
"Look, Merlin, your not going to kill me- I'll go to the other side of the castle if it makes you feel better. I won't tell you where, if you want. We can summon Percival to restrain you- and then we can send you back behind that stupid door again- please Merlin, open the door…" he was begging now. The urge crawled within him at Arthur's voice, purred it's agreement with his words.
Yes, open the door. Everything will be fine.
But beneath that, Merlin's heart bled as he heard the fear in Arthur's voice.
I didn't want to hurt you- I'm so sorry. He thought before he could stop himself.
Yes! You idiot! You hurt him every second you hide behind that door. This is all your fault! Open the door and make it right. All you have to do is open the door-
All he had to do was- NO!
His heart twisted and shivers that had nothing to do with the fridged cold racked his body as he realized what he'd been about to try. The urge had sounded so much like him- said the things he'd thought so many times. He'd thought it's lies were his own thoughts!
Oh Sparks. He'd prepared for this. He was wearing the devils cuffs for heaven's sakes! But he hasn't realized how deep the curse was woven- how slyly it could take control of his whims and thoughts and worries. How persuasive and cunning it was.
"I can't , Arthur-" Merlin interrupted the King's continued pleas, the words tasting bitter on his tongue, a harsh whisper. Arthur stopped abruptly, for perhaps the first time in his life, listening.
"I'm not strong enough."
I can't take these cuffs off, Arthur. I can't tell what's me and what's the curse and so I can't trust myself. Your too important. His heart ached to tell Arthur. Make him understand. But he couldn't. Magic had taken everything from Arthur. It had killed his mother. It had killed his father. It had poisoned his sister's heart. He couldn't force Arthur to try and forget all that hurt and live his life knowing the same terrible magic lived in his castle.
Because he would. Merlin knew Arthur's nobleness. He knew Arthur's goodness. He knew Arthur would see all of the good he'd tried to do for Camelot. For him. He knew Arthur would praise him and wrap him in fine cloaks. Maybe knight him and thank him for his services.
But then Arthur would live the rest of his life trying not to see his mother's eyes when Merlin's flashed gold. Or hear his father's voice shouting in his head how Arthur shamed him by letting Camelot fall to ruin by magic. Or feel Morgana's sobs racking his body as he wondered forever if he had only known, if he had only seen her fear, if he'd only realized the truth of magic sooner-
He couldn't do that to him.
He wasn't worth that much pain.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked slowly, his soft concern pulling him back into time.
"What do you mean your not strong enough? I know you blocked the door, but you moved the stuff there. Surely you can move it back?"
Merlin suppressed a chuckle before saying, his tone somewhat lighter:
"Trust me, Arthur. I am not strong enough to get through what is blocking your door."
"Oh Merlin…" Gwen sighed helplessly, worry twisting in her voice.
"Arthur, it's been hours since he moved everything to the door- and he was probably running on adrenaline then. He hasn't eaten in almost two days and heaven only knows what she did to him!"
Merlin's stomach twisted at the implication behind her words. She thought- oh - poor Gwen. She didn't realize how completely underwhelming Morgana's 'torture' had been compared to poisoning and sescret stingers and fireballs. It'd been nothing and here she was, having worried all day about it. Stupid idiot! Why hadn't he told her?!
"Gwen, I'm fine. She didn't do anything to me! I just woke up in a puddle of mud with a slightly-stronger-than-usual determination to kill your husband."
She gave a breathy chuckle, the sound drowning in relief and the guilt for making her worry twisted even deeper.
"Alright… okay...then we'll figure something else out. I can get the Knights together, we can bust the door in-"
"That would break the door-" Merlin tried logically.
And you would see the cuffs. And know I have magic. And panic. And I'd be able to see you. And try to kill you. And kill you.
"Your life is more important than a sparking door!" Arthur shouted- he gentle quiet suddenly exploding as he slammed his fist into the door.
Merlin jumped, startled by the sudden change. His heart warmed at the King's words even as his mind dismissed them as Arthur's nobility and the urge pounced on how terrible he was for convincing Arthur he was worth something and why didn't he open the door…?
"Arthur-" Merlin tried, shoving all the conflicting thoughts tearing through him away and focusing on the stained door causing so many of his problems.
"I can't even see the door. I was an idiot and I shoved every single thing in this uselessly extravagant room up against it. I can't get out and you can't get in. "
"Merlin- it could be weeks until we break the curse!" Arthur exploded.
"How do intend to get out once we do?!" Gwen cried, sounding almost tearful.
Merlin winced as self hatred lanced through him. Great. He was making the sweetest person in the world cry. Useless Idiot.
"Gwen, please don't cry- it'll be okay, I swear-"
"Not if you die of starvation and dehydration before we find the cure!" Arthur bellowed and Gwen let out a whimper so sharp it stabbed Merlin's heart.
He could practically see her through the door- her hand covering her mouth to muffle her sobs, chocolate eyes blurry with tears.
He didn't deserve it!
"Don't be daft, Arthur. I'm not going to die! You left your bathwater here yesterday, and people can last weeks on water, at least Gaius said they can-"
"You intend to survive however long it takes us to find the cure on my bathwater?! Merlin-!"
"Well it's not exactly my idea of a picnic either! But once you find the cure-"
"What if we can't?" Arthur asked suddenly and Merlin stopped, flabbergasted.
"What do you mean-!"
"I mean what if we can't?!"
The vulnerability in Arthur's voice was what made him understand the King was serious.
"Arthur. You can. You will. I trust you." Merlin said softly, bewildered Arthur didn't understand.
I don't have a shadow of a doubt. Of course you can. You can do anything. Your Arthur.
Time held still for a long, long moment, muting all sound.
Then the moment broke.
Arthur sighed.
"Sorry Love, but I'm not too hungry either. Why don't you take it down to Gaius? The knights have invaded the Infirmary and I doubt they left much food."
Great! Now he was making Arthur forgo food out of guilt!
"Arthur, no, that's not necessary, I don't mind-"
"Goodbye love, I'll see you later- and remember to send word as soon as you find something. I'll keep looking here. And Merlin, don't be stupid. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it so I don't- how'd you put it last week? Turn into a 'poor ugly hag three days from delivery'?"
Merlin laughed despite the guilt twisting in his heart.
"Probably best sire, there's only so much room for holes in your belt."
Arthur barked a scoff and went back to his cure-searching.
Merlin stifled a sigh and went back to waiting, his fingers subconsciously scratching his wrists.
He wasn't even aware when they started to bleed.