jump

by asbs

not mine

8. 8

Kendra

"Are you going to be okay in a realm full of what are essentially demons where you're not allowed to kill any of them?"

"I have considered this and decided the best way to control my instincts is to deal with a competing set of instincts."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I will be a Common Youkai myself for this evolution, a demon, albeit a minor one, myself. A Servant one as well, the desire to serve competing with my basic instincts to cause harm."

"Ah. Makes a certain kind of sense. So what did you get for yourself?"

"'Focus Undivided' to keep me controlled, 'Tai Chi Master' to keep me centered and aware, and 'Apparitions Stalk the Night'… for those times I am neither centered nor controlled… but very much wish to be aware."

"Gulp."

"It seems a good place to deal with some of my… anger issues."

"Not on me, I hope."

"No. Though I did pick up 'Roukanken and Hakurouken', the swords of someone called Konpaku Youmu. One is said to be able to cure confusion in human or spirit, the other to slay ten spirits in a single stroke."

"An upgrade from Mr. Pointy?"

"Indeed. I do wonder if they could kill the demon within one of my home reality's vampires without harming the host's body."

"It wouldn't have a soul and would just die."

"Ah. True… but it would die human, yes?"

"I don't know. Perhaps. Though I'm not keen to go back."

"You do not miss your sister?"

"I…"

"Never mind. I can see the topic makes you uncomfortable."

"…Tell Joy I need a few minutes."

"I will."

Joy & Ahab

"SJ, Kendra indicated you needed a little time to yourself, and so Ahab and I have prepared a short report on our choices, rather than force you to interview us. I have picked, as I'm certain you understand why, to be a Human Leader. I have also picked up 'Focus Undivided', not that I particularly need it, but because it cannot hurt. 'Soar', because self-powered flight is seldom a bad choice, and 'Third Eye of Satori', for what I believe is the same reason you took it. Ahab has decided to be a Servant Youkai, partly because he misses the action, and partly because it fits his darker nature… as does his selection of 'Apparitions Stalk the Night' and 'Lunatic Red Eyes'. 'Focus Undivided' merely serves as an augment for skills we already possess, but such augment is never wasted. -Joy."

Toph

"Feeling better?"

"Not really. Sometimes I miss those I left behind… and that list grows longer with every jump. Some of them are just waiting for me to return, unaware time is passing… others are gone forever… it's the hard part of living forever. Maybe we'll go back and visit your daughters sometime."

"They're big girls. They're fine without me."

"You don't miss them?"

"They're in my heart. I take them with me wherever I go."

"Good philosophy."

"Plus, they're too clingy when I'm around."

"Heh. Toph, you're such a misanthrope."

"Eh. I don't like spirits much either. Anyway, you want to hear what I bought?"

"Sure. Go for it."

"'Tai Chi Master'… so I can punch spirits."

"I don't think that's its purpose."

"Can't hurt, can it?"

"Suppose not."

"And since I'm a Human Mage… 'Elemental's Secret'."

"Which element."

"Elements."

"Oh? You went for all five?"

"No. I double dipped. Earth and Metal."

"Wh… you can already shape those!"

"Damn straight! I'm simply the best! Better than all the rest! And fuck elemental purity making metal unbendable! I shall reign supreme!"

"I think I need a drink."

"Course you do! My awesomeness is better with booze."

Bao

"Hey. I brought the wine you asked for. Hard day?"

"Personality clashes, introspection… reflecting on the past. These periods of being purely myself once every decade or so are… intense. I don't have a mission, nothing pressing, besides the month deadline. But one on ones… they can be tricky… emotional landmines, good or bad. How are you doing?"

"Oh… We're… I'm good. We… I… Hmm…"

"Problem?"

"Just wondering how much will happen while we're under the effects of the amnesia that we'll regret."

"Ah. Yes. Letting go is always scary. This is like freefall. Worried about Uriel cheating on you?"

"Oh… yes… frankly. He… She… has had many more… relationships than I have."

"Biologically, he was about ninety in his first life when he died. You barely reached thirty in yours before you joined us. And you were… more restrained than he was."

"I know. And I don't begrudge him the experiences… I just… we've been together for so long, yet we're still dating."

"Eternity does that. Puts a damper on the concept of 'Hurry Up'. And you've been busy with projects and stuff. Haven't been bored have you?"

"N… No."

"Then don't worry too much. Things will unfold as they do. Worrying about it won't change that."

"True enough. Well then… I shall change my race choice then."

"Oh? What was it?"

"Common Yokai, lesser dragon."

"And you're changing it to?"

"Fairy… dragon."

"Ah. Well… that will make a difference. Mage background?"

"Of course. 'Magician's Mind', 'Doll Maker', 'Border of Life'."

"The thing that lets you, in theory, kill anything?"

"That is the one, yes."

"That's a scary ass power. Don't raise any zombies around me please."

"I shall endeavour not to."

Uriel

"He's worried."

"He's always worried."

"He loves you."

"He thinks he owns me."

"You don't approve?"

"It's nice to belong to someone… but also feels a little… like prison."

"Have you told him?"

"Many times. We fight. We do not speak for weeks or months… then we get back together. It is a cycle."

"You can always talk to me about it."

"No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"You will try to fix it. It isn't your problem to fix."

"But you're my friends. I want you to be happy."

"Your wants are irrelevant in this matter."

"I… good point. I'm your friend… not your master. If there is anything I can do… you know where to find me."

"I do. We do. But you cannot fix everything. Somethings are merely human nature. Try and interfere and all you'll get is sorrow."

"… So… what did you take."

"Drop-In… Human… 'Dollmaker' and 'Pandemonium'."

"Why those?" I asked, bewildered as to why Uriel wanted the magitech perk and the density manipulation perk that allowed for self duplication… as well as super-dense super-hot punches or kicks… and (in theory) breaking the fourth wall, apparently.

"I… think I did it to piss Bao off, to be honest."

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I. I'm going to go… now."

I watched him go… sometimes human beings baffle me.

Ryoga & Yoiko

"So then, she was like 'No way!' and I was like 'Yes way!' and then-"

"Hibiki… if you don't get to the point soon I'm going to have Ziggy bite you someplace you might not be numb to pain in."

"Oh… right. Where was I?"

"You said you were an Oni Mage because they had a cook write up in D&D and then you started talking about the argument you were having with Yoiko."

"Riiiight! So I was saying that 'U.N. Owen was You' is totally like Bakusai Tenketsu… but it works for everything. I just… find the breaking point and destroy it and boom!"

"Boom."

"Right. Destroyed thing. As long as it has a weak point that is."

"Doesn't it require effort proportional to the strength of whatever you're destroying?"

"Sure… but so does Bakusai Tenketsu. It's always easier to destroy a point than the whole… and then let the whole self destruct."

"Fair enough. Now send in your sister."

"Can't. She's in the bath. But I know what she picked."

"Great."

"Wanna know?"

"YESSS!"

"Servant, Human. Scary eyes or something… and the hellish solar power."

"'Infernal Sun'? 'Lunatic Red Eyes'?"

"That's it! She wanted to be a walking nuke."

"It lets you manipulate and cause nuclear fission and fusion… but it's hard to control."

"Yeah. Sounds dangerous!"

"We're talking about your sister here."

"I know! She's going to totally blow something up by accident and it's gonna be hilarious!"

"I just hope it's not a city."

"Nawww… her aim's not thaaat bad."

I had to wonder.

Velma

"So? You're the last. Made up your mind?"

"Yes. I don't think I want memories of this place… it sounds too strange. But being on the other side of the Ghost divide should be interesting. I took 'Magician's Mind' so I can learn some magic from all you magic types… and 'Doctor of Miracles'… because you guys really need a second healer. And your medicine isn't very good at mixing science and magic… not that you're a bad healer with each on their own… but DoM mixes them both… and alchemy too."

"Good choice… what species are you going as?"

"Vampire."

O…o

Nice… sweet… Velma… Ouchie.

Atura

"You did not ask me what I selected."

"Atura? I… I didn't even realize that was… I… sorry. I think of you as part of me… but you're right, you're a companion as well. What did you pick?"

"I selected Leader, since it should allow me insight into the choices you make and why you make them. But since I have no physical form separate from you, selecting a race seemed meaningless. I took the 'Spirit Camera'… I assume you will not mind if I use your HUD or the pools of your Mind Palace to scry on things that interest me?"

"Err… no… that's fine. Anything else?"

"Yes. I took the 'Scarlet Destiny' power you were interested in. The fate manipulation one. It seems like it might be useful to help maintain the balance… I shall not tell you when I am using it on your behalf… unless you ask it of me… but mostly I think I shall use it… when I do at all… to influence others in subtle ways. A small effort can nudge things in surprising ways I've learned."

"Riiight… wait… why haven't you asked to import before?"

"Because I am always part of you. I go where you go."

"So why this time?"

"Because the jump grants all your companions CP points. Including me."

"Ah… wait… so did Scooby-Doo… well, a running perk, some clothing, and a perk of your choice."

"Indeed. The running perk is not needed… I do not move like that. Nor do I wear clothing… but I did take Ventriloquism."

"Ventriloquism?"

"Yes. It might come in handy."

"Great, the voices in my head are going to be talking to other people now."

"Yes? Is that a problem?"

I just laaaughed.

INSERTION

I hit the button, watched the scroll of data showing everything we'd bought… as everything went dark I wondered, "What does Secondary Canon Mean… and why does the term Dark Canon fill me with dread?"

Okay… I… ummm… the fans of some things suck. Suck hard… apparently there are… at least three different Touhou Canons. There's the Game Canon… there's the light and silly fluffy Fan Canon… and there's the Hentai Canon. Sooo much Hentai… oh… dear god. Ten years of… um… look… I don't want to talk about it. And this really isn't the forum for, you know… that kind of thing. Let's just say there were lots and lots and lots of penalty games… and that immortal perverts can get very creative… especially when their victim is highly flexible and has just tried to walk off with a priceless and insanely dangerous shiny thing for no good reason… and wears a very silly hat.

I really don't want to talk about it. Or the fact that I really should read things I don't plan on buying. Apparently Cirno found the idea of another Ice Elemental super big (Dark Hentai Canon) fun. I… umm… don't want to talk about it… or the epic fights between Yoiko (Nuclear Otaku) and Cirno over who got to do what to me… not talking about it… but now that the jump is over… why the hell is the Icy Fairy Twit following us around? Answer… apparently, when you're a Ruler… you get a canon companion for free… When I got back to the warehouse, I found a receipt for her… from Reimu. Which I guess is good, because it could have been worse. I could have ended up with a Scarlet… or Wriggle Nightbug… don't like bugs… there was this one battle… never mind… don't want to talk about it.

I spent way too much of that jump erasing traumatic, embarrassing, or horrifying memories from people's minds… sometimes my own. Not enough to make me question what was deleted in my case… just enough to forget the details… I sooo don't want to talk about the details. Word of advice, never strip yourself of memories and reliable power usage… and power armor… before going into a world full of High Power Perverts who like… asserting their dominance… right… anyway, don't ask…

Next jump, moving on. Oh, god… I can't believe I spent a decade answering to the name 'Squirmo Jukki'.

Next: Word 27, Part 2 – You Asked!

Resources: Build, Document

If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on .

Note: About why EssJay doesn't want to think about using the Return Door / or buying Monthly Return. There isn't something sinister there, really. The Personal Reality Supplement was created when I was in the 70s Jump Wise, so adding it in here in the rewrite / redux section would have changed too many things. Thus, not taking All My Stuff or A Month's Return before I get to the point where EssJay is comfortable taking Returns, something she's avoiding for personal reasons (and because I haven't really felt the need to use it storywise), is entirely to maintain elements of the status quo between Redux and original. I point it out because, yes, it's an option, but taking it would change too many future choices.

Companion Bodymod #17 – Cirno

Sex – Female [Free]

Proportions, Hair, Coloration – No Changes [Free]

Anomalous Level 2 [+200/1200]

Extras – Wings Level 2 [200/1000/1200]

Affinity – Heart [100/900/1200]

Ascension [Free]

Waste Not [50/850/1200]

Strength Level 0 —

Endurance Level 2 [100/750/1200]

Speed Level 2 [100/650/1200]

Resilience Level 0 —

Reflex Level 3 [200/450/1200]

Logic Level 0 —

Memory Level 0 —

Resolve Level 0 —

Coordination Level 2 [100/350/1200]

Perception Level 0 —

Charisma Level 1 [Free]

Appeal Level 3 [100/250/1200]

Empathy Level 1 [Free]

Flexibility Level 3 [100/150/1200]

Fertility Level 2 [50/100/1200]

Universal Donor [100/0/1200]

"Fairy Tail…. Not Tale?" I asked, staring at the VMoD's artwork. The words were printed in tall blocky letters with weird serifs that looked a little like the eaves of a house. In fact, the FAIR looked like a row of brownstones to some extent. Then the Y came, and it dipped down below the other letters, then the T, which looked like the top of an Anchor… only to end with an L that had a barb like a fishhook. It was stylized, but weird… and weirder still was this logo that looked like a phoenix chick on skis… or maybe a toboggan. I really had no idea what to make of it.

"Great… Another blind jump… This one blinder than the last," I remarked to Zane, bringing up the blurb and giving at a once over, emerging no less confused. "Well… the basic intro makes this world seem a little more goofy, a little more cheerful than Japanese Mythopornotopia, though, so there is that," I pointed out.

Zane, who'd been reading over my shoulder, added, "Earthland, Wizard Saints, Guilds, a currency called Jewel… Is this an Anime? It has the feel of one, but I don't see a bunch of Japanese names… A kids book?"

I pointed to one of the drawbacks. "Kids books don't usually have fan service," I said.

He grunted, but nodded. "Soo… there's no way to know, it seems." He paused, then added, "You know, until we get there. That Flore place." He pronounced it like 'Floor'.

I snorted a little. "Not Flore… Fiore," I pointed out, pronouncing it 'fi-OR-eh'. "The Kingdom of Fiore.. population seventeen million… Maybe it's French animation. Fiore sounds French… or Italian… and one of the local Wizard Guilds is apparently called the Oracion Seis… that could mean the Oracion Six in French. I'm going to guess French Animation."

As I looked through the literal fuckton of massively expensive and not at all discounted powers, Zane whistled, "Hoy! Check it. Another companion import option that covers everyone! I love these!" He said, then noticed what I was looking at.

"Damn! The top tier has some nice stuff, but it costs 1000 CP to pick… 900 to get a random one. Ouch!" He said, leaning in a little closer. "Well, you might as well grab one."

"Agreed," I said. "None of the gear interests me… but these perks are called "Magics"… I wonder just how many of them I'll be able to gank with Copycat Technique… and how much trouble that will cause me if I demonstrate that power?"

"No way to know until it happens, but I'm willing to bet that, with this many magics floating around, most people are fairly proprietary about their power-set," Zane said. "You should be… circumspect."

I nodded at his advice, then grinned. "I will. Or at least I'll give it a try. Depends on how the world plays out in practice. I can do stealth if I need to," I pointed out, then scooped up the dice to roll for my starting location and my starting location. I ended up seventeen years old again and in a town called Onibus for the first time.

Onibus was, at least according to the single sentence description, a theater town with a train station… At least I assumed that's what 'rail-enabled' meant. Not much for a claim to fame, but the amount of information I had to compare it to wasn't much. The other potential starting locations were the merchant town of Magnolia (home to Fairy Tail, which, it turns out is Fiore's strongest Guild… I wonder what, exactly, they do? Are guilds production associations in this world, as they were in the real world, or adventurers, as they are often depicted in fantasy fiction?), Crocus (capital of Fiore and home to an arena for magical games… they probably mean combat and not some kind of formalized sport), Balsam (a spa town with 'jumping nightlife'… I hope that's not a euphemism for chinese vampires…), Hargeon (an old and beautiful port… and apparently the starting point for what must be the MC, a girl named Lucy Hartfilia… at least, she's the only person mentioned in the intro by name), Oshibana (a town so boring it's known for its central rail station… seriously, it's apparently the kind of town that people spin conspiracy theories around because it's that dull IRL), and Acalypha (which, despite a name which sounds like Apocalypse, seems to be only remarkable because the local guild is a merchant guild instead of a wizarding one.

Apparently, being a Wizard was what this story was all about (how very Harry Potter… not that it was the first story like that… but certainly the first jump I'd been to where every option was Wizard (or Witch… and I cannot tell you how much I despise that gendering of those titles. A Witch can be either, as can a Wizard… thank you very much, Miss Rowling… anyway).

Anyway, no matter which of the four Identities I picked (Drop-In, Guild Member, Citizen, or Starting Guildmaster), I'd get one C-Class (the lowest listed on the Machine's screen) Magic for free… or I could trade it in for a hundred CP discount on a Magic from a higher tier. I could also get another hundred CP off the price if I rolled for a random magic inside a given tier, which was lovely, especially since I didn't really have much idea what the limits of these magics were. All I really knew were that the list included eighty-five magics spread across C, B, A, S, and X-Classes and that, while some of them sounded silly and or useless, many of them sounded quite powerful… like God Slayer and Satan Soul.

There were even two different versions of Copy Magic, one of them A-Class, the other X-Class. Both allowed the user to copy someone-else's magic, with the lower level one copying the target's form as well, and the higher tier power allowing one to instantly copy, master, and then nullify an opponent's magic. So, yes, it was possible. Didn't tell me how unpopular it was, but the fact it was a known quantity meant that I'd be able to pass my ability off as, perhaps, a variation of the lower one. I certainly didn't think I could afford any of the 1200 CP, undiscountable X-Class Magics. That would be stretching the budget a bit too much… and (to be honest) the all sounded extremely circumstantial and or broken… or both. Hell, the Great Fairy Magics promised 'Infinite Magical Power'… at the cost of taking 700 CP worth of Drawbacks (one of them a six-hundred pointer)… for no points. I didn't even want to consider what the in-setting and personal cost of using Fairy Heart (the infinite magic thing) would be.

As for the other X-Classes? Etherion was a nation buster magical attack, Face was a wide area magic eraser, and Greater Copy Magic I've already covered. That was the only one that was tempting… but again… too broken to be any fun.

Still, I'd be a fool to pass up a chance at such power entirely, so I settled on an S-Class Magic (where things were given names like 'Time Magic', 'God Soul', 'Rules of the Area', and the aforementioned 'God Slayer'), especially as most of the lower level ones sound fairly… limited…. I confirmed that I was trading in my C-Class Magical Power to get coupon, fed the machine seven-hundred Choice in fifty-choice increments, and gave the fourteen-sided die that dropped into the machine's hopper a toss. "No whammies, no whammies!" I called as I waited to see which S-Class Magical Power I'd end up with.

"Looks like you got Dragon Slayer," Zane said, examining the screen as it displayed what the result of the roll was… which was good, since the actual dice was pounced by Ziggy and batted across the cobblestones. Got to admire the silly-boy's restraint. He sometimes forgets the rules and uses Hyper-Beam in the house.

"Huh… not that I have anything against Dragons in general," I commented, looking over the magic in question. "Apparently there are two types of this thing. Direct draconic tutelage… odd for Dragons to teach others how to kill dragons, but okaaaay?.. or you can have something called 'Dragon Lacrima' implanted in you. Dragon Tears? Odd."

Zane nodded. "Lacrima Creator says that they're crystals of solidified magic power. Lacrima. Crystal Tears I guess. Anyway, looks like Dragon Slayer lets you pick a magical element to become immune to."

"Not just immune to it," I said. "Looks like a Dragon Slayer can consume the element in any intensity less than Dragon Strength and recover expended stamina. That's nice."

"Less nice is the mandatory drawback that comes with it," Zane pointed out. "Motion Sickness. Bleh. What kind of defensive power comes with a drawback like that." I grunted in agreement. "So? Which Element you gonna pick, sprout?"

"I am not a plant-type," I muttered, considering. "And it's not defensive. Well, not purely. The description says that Dragon Slayer magic is highly destructive… so it must also include some hefty offensive abilities as well. Dunno what, exactly, since it doesn't say, but must be something that can be used to take down a dragon. Maybe elemental power opposite the dragon type you're meant to be fight?"

"Maybe. So? More Ice?" I shook my head. "Naw. Might as well pick up Fire. I'm already immune to Ice / Water attacks from being a Conduit and Lightning from being a Lightning Bender… but oddly Firebenders aren't immune to Fire… just ask Zuko's face."

Toph, sitting on the couch nearby, said, "Ooo…. burn!"

"Exactly!" I replied.

"Oh no she didn't!" Toph laughed.

"Oh yes I did! Take that Sokka!" I punched the air several times, then smirked at my own idiocy. "Wow… I'm lame… anyway… Immunity is better than raw power… I think. Soo… yeah. Fire Dragon Slayer it is." I wondered what element(s) the canonical Dragon Slayer(s) might have.

"You are buying 'Because I Have My Friends', right?" Zane asked, pointing to the Companion Import option. It would cost me all my remaining CP, but it would grant each and every one of my companions a free C-Class Magic and four-hundred CP to spend. It even came with a discount on anything I personally had purchased… which at this point was Fire Dragon Slaying? or was it S-Class Magic? Hmmm… Either way, I would be needing Drawbacks if I was going to be anything other than a Drop-In in this strange and unfamiliar world… something I really didn't want to do. Worldly knowledge seems like it would be key… otherwise we'll end up wandering around going 'Ummm…' and getting into trouble. Not that we wouldn't get into trouble anyway, but it's nice to walk into trouble with eyes wide open than stumble in blindly.

The first drawback I settled on was the 'Fanservice' one I mentioned earlier. It was only a hundred, and (quite frankly) I can cope with the sudden and inopportune disappearance of my clothing once a month or so. A little embarrassment for enough CP to cover the cost of the Guild Membership Identity. That would get me some discounts, but more importantly, a background knowledge of this world's particulars (and possibly languages).

The Motion Sickness from Dragon Slayer would also have been worth a hundred if it hadn't been required. It essentially meant that being in or on anything with wheels would make me want to hurl… ditto for watercraft. Thankfully… I can fly and teleport, so vehicles weren't a serious concern for me… but I had problems with actual motion sickness as a child back in Origin Earth… I suspected this was going to bring up those memories, whether I wanted them brought up or not… ditto my lunch.

There were others that I considered and discarded. Specifically the six-hundred pointers. I didn't really know who Acnologia the Dragon King was, but apparently he could solo the entirety of the Fairy Tail Guild… you know, strongest in the land?… without a scratch. I didn't need him gunning for me. Ditto Zeref, whoever he was, but he had an entire empire on his side and was considered worth as much as an enemy as Acnologia. That counted out two of the three, and the third would seed Lacrima-copies of all my abilities all over the world…

"What's on your mind, not-sprout?" Zane asked, looking up from the tablet that had generated the moment I locked in the purchase of the Companion Import option.

"Zane… you've looked through the list of powers on offer here, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Does this world strike you as a place where even my most powerful abilities will really stand out? I mean, we're clearly talking about elemental magics, eye-lasers… stuff like that. Tech Tree, Truth Speaking… There are a lot of them… but it doesn't say they can use them at my skill level. Most of my abilities aren't exactly world breaking."

"You're thinking of taking that Rain of Lacrima thing? The one that means the more powerful of your stuff is more likely to end up in enemy hands?"

"Yeah. I mean… it's not ideal… but there's already Ice Magic on the list… plus it looks like probably Ice Devil, Ice Dragon, and Ice God magic. How much more is a Conduit or a Bender?"

"History rewriting," he pointed out.

I rubbed my chin, then nodded. "Yeah… I thought about that. Retcon is a powerful thing, but it can't kill and it can only go back a month or so. Mmm… I'll consider it."

"Just as long as you don't take Obsession, Outlaw, or Fairy Law," Toph yelled from the couch. "Or Evil Twin!"

"Agreed," Zane said. "We don't need you in creepy stalker mode, hunted by the law, or, you know, picking fights with the biggest baddest Wizard Guild around. And an Evil You with an Evil one of us would be… weird."

"Wasn't planning on taking them. Was thinking of Bounty and or Ill-Adjusted," I replied. 'Ill-Adjusted' would make me confused, shocked, or just weirded out by the magic of this world… that was worth a hundred. Bounty, worth three hundred, would stick a Dark Guild (read outlaw guild, apparently) on my tail… I didn't mention that I was considering Evil Twin, which would only have the abilities I got locally… and only in magical item form, rather than in actual magical ability… and they'd be ignorant of my other powers. If I took that, I would be, perhaps, foolish to take 'Rain of Lacrima'… or would I?

"She's laughing," Petra pointed out.

"It's an evil laugh," Francine added.

"She's got a terrible nasty wicked idea," AJ said, nodding sagely as if he'd known this was going to happen.

I burst out laughing harder, eyes twinkling. "It's time to make some cheese, cats and kittens," I said, licking my lips. Mmm… cheese. Taking Rain of Lacrima and Evil Twin and Bounty would grant me a total of eleven-hundred extra Choice to play with… and, if I played my cards right, I could minimize the risks from the worst of that combo fairly simply. If I needed one last hundred pointer, I could always get Ill-Adjusted… but I doubted I'd need it. Still, there was a certain humor in IA… heh… "I can use magic? Holy Shit! You have wings? Aaaaack! What's wrong with you people?"… tempting… sooo tempting.

"Are you certain this is wise, oh fearful leader?" Kendra commented. "Remember what happened last time?"

"I do, and I do. Look, it's simple. Rain of Lacrima doesn't even rise to the level of a scaling enemy unless someone actually manages to get all the Lacrima… and I have so many powers, perks, and abilities that they'd probably be immobile trying to use them all. And even if they just have a few of the best? Well, we'll cope. Because the Rain doesn't include your abilities. And the Evil Twin only includes a superficial copy of one of you… at random maybe. At worst, an evil Ziggy." I patted his tummy. "That said, there's a really really good reason to take it."

"And that is?" Velma asked.

"It specifically says that they're everywhere… waiting to be implanted. Not already implanted. It also doesn't say that they go away once the jump ends."

"Yeah? So?" Cirno asked, missing the point even as everyone else (besides probably Ziggy) got it. There was general laughter as they realized the implication. "It's not like we can use them, right?"

I flicked her forehead. "It's exactly like that. They're nothing more than tools… and copies of my own stuff… stuff I know how to use better than anyone in this world will. I have centuries or millennia of experience with some of these powers… complete with growth. I don't know what their power level will be for the scaling abilities like Conduit, but Conduit can't really be used against me. I'm not even certain how Cole and Kessler even managed to hurt each other." I shrugged. "We shall see. Perhaps this is a bad idea, but I doubt it.

I navigated away from the drawbacks, confident that I had enough CP to cover my bases. See, the jump pretty much offered everything I needed to deal with the Evil Twin & Bounty… even with Rain of Lacrima's added annoyance value. Guild Membership costs me a hundred, which meant that, between my new S-Class Magic, my Companion Import, and my Identity, I'd spent half the twenty-two hundred Choice… it was time to abuse drawbacks a bit.

Guild Members got discounts on five perks… six if you counted 'And I've Made So Many New Friends', which was a mostly unlimited group companion purchase… and six-hundred CP before discount. Thankfully, Guild Member had a second, much better capstone. It was called 'Power of Friendship'… and for the discounted price of three-hundred Choice, it meant that the more allies I had fighting alongside me, the better my chances of victory would be. Can you say score? Even if it wasn't a 100% chance, it could get damned close. (Resourcefulness, Fighting Spirit, Thought Projection, Combat Experience, Power of Friendship)

I tossed out 'Fighting Spirit' because it had a wonky price and wasn't really worth having to spend the left over 50 Choice, and 'Combat Experience' because I had that in spades. And 'Thought Projection' was a significant step down from, you know, telepathy. But I did buy 'Resourcefulness'. It was only a hundred, but it was the ability to make do with whatever was available in almost any given situation, or (at the very least), never have to worry about finding some way to survive in a hostile environment. That ate four-hundred, leaving me with seven-hundred… six of which was already earmarked for stuff that would make things sooo much simpler… and probably be useful down the line.

The first of those was the four-hundred pointer, 'Second Origin'. No, it wasn't another background. Rather, it appeared to be an entire secondary… I dunno what to call it. The document called it a 'Magic Container' or 'Origin'; it was essentially (apparently) the thing inside you, the metaphysical whatever that sourced the magical energy a Wizard used to cast magic. I didn't know if everyone had a Second Origin or if it was rare… but buying meant I had it and had it unleashed… unlocked… whathaveyou. An unleashed Second Origin grants the possessor a massive boost to their magical power, both in capacity and strength, which was hard to say no to. It could be used either in always-on mode to give a general increase all the time, or held in reserve and suppressed to save it for a trump-card in an emergency. It also, though I had no idea what this was, protected me from forcibly using 'Third Origin' against me… on me? I dunno. Was probably a bad thing.

The other earmark was for 'Absurdly Lucky'… which wasn't really that absurd, but it was nice, especially for the cost of two-hundred Choice. All it meant was that I'd tend to luck out in interesting ways… all the time. Getting missions that turn out to be more important than they should have been, getting a better reward than expected, running into important or interesting people… whatever the situation… things would have a tendency to just end up paying off for me better than they would have for other people. It was a luck perk I could get behind, a soft form of plot armor that guaranteed nothing besides making life a bit more interesting and rewarding.

So that left me one last hundred, and I considered spending it on a magical item called '18x Gale Force Reading Glasses'… which, as the name suggested, allow one to read and comprehend text eighteen times as swiftly… you know, in 1/18th the time. A pair of them could be really helpful… assuming they weren't something I could buy in jump or even make once I'd studied the local enchantment system.

After a few hours deliberation, I decided that the glasses were almost certainly the kind of thing that were readily available for purchase in setting. Nothing in the description suggested they were any different from a normal pair of what seemed like the kind of thing a magic rich society would turn out. That settled, I decided to opt instead for Magic Identification, which promised me insight into what type of magic was generating any observable effect… i.e. were my shots missing because the enemy had precog or because they're slowing time or because they were moving at super speed. That kind of information could be very very handy… especially if, in future jumps, it scales to super-powers as well. While the general effect of each would be similar, countering each relied on different tricks or techniques.

Out of coins, I hit finalize on my build… only to get a pop-up on screen that said, "Due to a pricing change, you have 100 Choice remaining. Alternatively, you may choose a single C-Class Magic for Free." I blinked, then checked what was going on. Somehow, during my build process, the price of an S-Class Magic had dropped, meaning that the 700 CP I'd spent on it was now the value for a random roll without out having to use the discount for trading in my base magic. I quickly checked over the document, looking to see if there was anything that I wanted at a hundred Choice… but there wasn't.

Of course, I could have just turned off the Fan Service drawback, but I actually found that one funny, so I simply shrugged and bought 'Writing Magic', which would allow me to embed secret messages in books… messages that could last for decades and be read only by specific people. It wasn't much, but it seemed amusing… and also like the type of thing I'd be very unlikely to actually witness someone using, and thus be unlikely to be able to Copycat. Plus, me buying (even for free) a C-Class Magic would discount any that my companions bought past the first… if any of them bought one.

And speaking of Companions… aside from the Pokemon Crew, most of my companions were still a little… umm… not quite talking to me after the events of the last jump. Zane seemed unphased by the whole process, in fact I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. The Mons seem to have taken it all in stride. Dyna especially… what with the tentacles and all… but the rest… umm… there was a lot of awkward silence and embarrassment and recrimination. Of the humans, only Toph and Uriel were speaking to me on anything like a reliable basis. Everyone else had retreated in on themselves. Kendra especially was speaking only in short snarky comments if she spoke at all.

Dunno what their problem is, or why they were specifically blaming me for what went down. It wasn't like deeply embarrassing, humiliating, or down right creepy things didn't happen to me too. Anyway, I promised them adventure and power, not safety. The universe is full of a great many unpleasant things and experiences, but it's also full of amazing things and mind blowing experiences. It's a trade off, and by following me, they gain abilities that help them cope with and fight off the darkness… even Kendra, who, let's face it, would be dead if I hadn't intervened. Being alive… and all but impossible to keep dead? Much better than the alternative. At least no-one got vored. Right? So, why the cold shoulder?

Okay, okay… I do know what their problem is… but it's less trauma and more embarrassment, and that they'll just have to get used to. If being embarrassed is the worst that happens in a jump, it's been a relatively good jump.

Still, cold shoulder or not, one by one, they turned in their request forms, then vanished back into the depths of aggressive training, violent video gaming, or sullen drinking. I looked the reports over… Bloody hell, this jump could be a gamechanger. I'd asked each of them to supply a 'nom de guerre' for this jump, an idea of what kind of persona they'd like to have upon import, since there wasn't much in the way of guidelines and it seemed like these Wizarding Guilds were more a collection of adventurers with a specific magical schtick than the Elminster style of all rounder.

Of course, I'd helped Ziggy with his build, getting him 'Phasing Magic' which allows the user to pass through solid objects without harming themselves or the object, but only worked over short ranges (like a couple meters maximum), as well as the 'Strength' perk, which meant that, even without magic, he'd be able to lift more and hit harder than those around him. To go with the boosted musculature, I also got him 'Fighting Spirit' perk, because the idea of the Zig just keeping going no matter how strong his opponent was was appealing and very in keeping with his mindset… in as much as he had one. As long as he had the will to stand and fight… you know, as long as he wasn't actually KO'd, his body would respond to the imprimatur to keep on rockin'.

Sure, I hate to see him get hurt, but Ziggy is my stalwart little buddy; he likes gnawing on my enemies. I named him Ghost Thief Zig, of course and decided that he'd be a Siberian Wolf-Ferret this time. I had no idea if there was a Siberia in whatever world this was, or if there were Wolf-Ferrets in it either… but the system accepted my data input without a blip and displayed a truly impressive image of a speckled black-on-white ferretoid about the size of a cougar with a big fluffy wolf-tail and somewhat shaggy fur that looked like it would be a pain to brush… then again, that's half the fun of pet ownership.

Zane had taken his chances rolling for two B-Class and one C-Class Magics (well, technically, he hadn't needed to roll for the C-Class, but apparently, most of the Companions who'd taken C-Classes had drawn from a hat to minimize duplication among the eighteen C-Classes… well, seventeen, since absolutely none of them had thought my Writing Magic sounded like fun. Heathens.) For his C-Class, he'd gotten 'Heaven's Eye', a magic that allows the user to zoom in their sight on objects or people up to five kilometers away, or to see through up to roughly fifty meters worth of solid material at a time.

The first B-Class he'd gotten was called 'Sand Magic', which allows the user to create and manipulate (big shock here) Sand, forming it into structures like castles or walls, or simply sandblasting the enemy. Since it could create sand, rather than merely controlling ambient sand… hell, just restoring and buffing beaches could be a valuable skill, depending on how fine of control on the type and grain size he creates he has… I wondered if he could create different material sands, or simply silica. White coral sand is valuable and volcanic obsidian and basalt sands have all sorts of interesting uses.

The second B-Class was, of all things, some lunacy called 'Jet Magic'. I had to read the description five times before I actually believed what I was reading. Since rephrasing it would lessen the impact somewhat, I will quote it in full. "Using a magical jetpack, the caster either rockets around at high speed in the air or launches the jetpack at an opponent, latching it onto them and forcing them in a path determined by the caster." Do you see this madness? A magical kidnapping jetpack… not an item… but a spell… somehow. I don't even… I can't… I am out of… words fail me.

Zane, of course, thought this was hilarious. Thankfully, he hadn't made it part of his identity. Zane, the Sharp-Eyed Sandman he called himself, with a drawing of himself using a reiki finger gun… except generating sand bullets instead of spirit energy. He also pointed out that his sand could be a shield against damage… yes, thank you Zane, I have read Naruto. Well… some of it… and Toph was a top-class Sandbender. I'd seen her make recreations of entire cities out of sand with a single stamp. Girl was good… and now, I guess, so was Zane… or he would be once he practiced for a few decades. Maybe she'd tutor him… but then again, she was a really really bad teacher. Or at least spectacularly unmotivated most times. As for fifty meters of solid material? That's about a third the long axis of an American Football Stadium… not the field… the entire stadium. Most buildings aren't even close to that far across.

AJ had snatched up the B-Class 'Sword Magic', probably as soon as he saw it was offered, giving him the ability to channel magical power through any sword he could influence. Yes, I said influence, not hold. Sword Magic granted him telekinetic control of numerous swords at a time, and though the number of swords started at four or so, it was guaranteed to grow with time and practice… not to mention storage space.

His free C-Class was, of all things, something called 'Twirl-Twirl Magic', which allows its user to spin a single target around in a dizzying manner… or to spin the user like the Tasmanian Devil, all without making the user dizzy. I guess it might be useful… especially if he was wielding two (or more) swords as he spun. A built in protection on the spell limited the discomfort to the target to keep them from being killed or becoming nauseated, but that limitation could be overcome with enough practice or power… and intent to cause harm… though that would boost the effect to B-Class at the very least. He also picked up Resourcefulness, for fairly obvious reasons.

We've been together since the very beginning, him and me, through flush times and lean times…. what was the line? "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all and, my dear, I'm still here! Plush velvet sometimes. Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here!" Gotta love Sondheim. And gotta love AJ. Always nice to know one has a skilled swordsman to get your back.

He called himself 'Sword Arm Ajax', which implied a defensive mindset… or maybe I'm reading too much into the name Ajax. I don't monitor my companions' reading tastes so I've no idea how much Greek mythology AJ knows… He could have chosen the name simply because it starts with AJ. But he does like to stand between me and danger. Maybe AJ is short for Aegis. I wonder if Sword Magic can be modified to work with shields instead… but then again, would AJ be willing to use shields instead of the more Gallade-like swords? Probably not. I figured I wouldn't ask. He's a good kid… even though at this point he's fundamentally the same age I am.

What's a few decades difference over almost exactly 13,000 years. Oh… yeah. I'd passed my 13,000th birthday sometime in Touhou. Yay? Sometime in the next jump or two, I'd enter into my fourteenth millenium as a jumper. Ha. My perspective doesn't seem to have changed much… or maybe it has and I don't realize it. Regardless, like a child to its mother, AJ will always be a good kid to me… though I try to treat him with as much respect as he'll let me. He's precious to me… but the whole family is. Even when I'd lost my memory of who they were exactly, I still gathered them up and kept them close to me, protecting them and keeping them out of trouble as much as I could. The effort is what counts, right?

If AJ and Ziggy were the least changed, Francine was probably the most changed from what she originally was. Of all the Mon, she liked her mon-form least, reverting only seldomly… But then, the body of an Alakazam would eventually kill them, the frailty of the physical form coupled with an ever expanding brain meant that they suffered for their incredible intellects more than any other living pokemon did. Which is a shame… and makes her tendency to remain in human form, even if her age reverted when a jump ended or she died, understandable.

But the change wasn't just about prefered form. Most of the Mon stayed in humanoid form most of the time. Dyna and Zane almost never changed back outside of a fight, AJ and Petra almost never changed back unless goofing off, and RayRay and Ziggy usually only changed back in their sleep or when fighting or trying to scare someone. But they all tended to act like they had as Pokemon. Ziggy was a goon, RayRay slept a lot, and the other four were combat monsters. But Francy? Deeply cerebral though she was, she took every opportunity to turn convention on its ear, to redefine herself as something other than a brainiac kobold-thing.

She used TK as seldom as she could, rejoiced in mindless activities, and was deeply athletic, despite her slender frame and monstrous intellect. Case in point? She took Dancer, a magic that allowed the user to act as a kind of cheerleader, boosting the fighting capability of allies within a ten meter radius by use of magical dance moves. It also boosted the user's own agility, allowing them to dodge almost any attack that might come their way.

That said, she still enjoyed being an obnoxious know it all whenever she could. That part was too deeply ingrained in her genome and psyche. I guess that's why she took 'Thought Projection', the ability to use a D-Class or E-Class spell to transmit a sort of hologram of herself to speak with friends or taunt enemies remotely.

Thanks to that combination, she named herself Mind Dancer Flora… which was very interesting. I wondered if she'd been reading my Amber books… Of all my mon, (save Zane), she seems to have become the most human… but then again, the psychic Abra start out among the most human of mon as it was, even more so than the equally psychic Ralts or the fighting types who mimicked human martial artists. Of all of them, the Abra was the smartest, and I had to wonder if their fascination with spoons reflected much the same desire as Ariel's fascination with forks… a desire to understand the strange creatures that they share their world with.

Hard to say. Then again… sometimes it's hard for me to think of myself as human any more. I've spent too much time as other things; Asari, Vulcan, Elven, Cat, Spirit, Tengu… God… But maybe Human means more than just race… ask me again in another 15,000 years.

Dyna, by far the least human to begin with and, by any metric, still the least human, also took two magics… The first was 'High Speed' which allowed its users to go fast. How fast? Very Fast… somewhere around 'jet plane' Fast, but didn't allow the user to fly… but thanks to Soar from Touhou, Dyna didn't exactly need it to. Combining the two should easily allow her to keep up with low mach fighter-craft… and she'd be much more maneuverable. 'Thread Magic' was the second, and allowed the wizard to create all manner of magical threads… many of which could replicate the threads of a spider for tensile strength and stickiness… only scaled up to human or even monster-size, but could do many other things as well, such as lassos, garottes, or bungee jumping.

Still, she called herself 'Hyperspider Dianna', which was in no way creepy (warning, the previous contains sarcasm)… especially after what 'she' pulled in Touhou-land. No, I'm not going to talk about it. Use your imagination… I can almost guarantee whatever you're thinking of, it's not nearly extreme enough… Except for you. The one in the fedora. Yeah… you? Too far. The fact that she also had bought half a dozen Magic Sealing manacle-shackle-collar sets with the last of her points (yes, that was all a hundred CP for them… though they wouldn't work very well on the most powerful of mages… or anyone with lockpicking skills) was just a bit creepier than I was entirely comfortable with… But at least she was on my side, right? My very own Dragon… i.e. a BBEG's enforcer, not the big flying lizard.

My other dragon… the big flying lizard kind this time, RayRay, never one to settle for less than the best, spent almost all her points to get a single random roll from the S-Class table… (I don't know why she rolled instead of picking… maybe she didn't have a clear picture of what she wanted). The funny thing was that the same thing that allowed one of my companions to get an S-Class magic (the discount from me having bought it) made S-Classes cheaper than A-Classes, got to love insanity like that, right? Anyway, her roll had snagged her 'Gravity Magic', the ability to control and manipulate gravity in a variety of ways, useful for pinning multiple opponents to the ground, increasing or decreasing the effective weight of anything in line of sight that the user is aware of, crushing weaker magics, or even suspending things like people and rain in midair. She named herself 'Skyfisher'. Somehow the idea of her manipulating such a fundamental force to get a meal fits. It's scary as hell, but it fits. Gravity Dragon RayRay, floating her meals up to her in real time. There is no escape… unless you like plummeting to your doom to escape the jaws of the skydragon.

She'd had fifty Choice left over, thanks to randomly rolling, and had picked up the Wardrobe item, which was (of course) bigger on the inside, and contained a copy of every outfit or armour set that had ever appeared in Fairy Tail. Sure, it was only cosplay copies, rather than fully enchanted, but it was a surprisingly cool thing for the giant (often annoyingly aloof) sky-leezard to buy that I sought her out for a noogie and to give her some Scooby-Snacks (she freaking loves these things. So weird.)

Her free C-Class Magic was, obviously, Sleep Magic. It did exactly what you think it did, allowing the user to put one or more individual targets to sleep, if they failed their saving throw versus charm… or however it worked in this world. Somehow, I doubted we'd be getting a crunch-complete copy of the rules any time soon.

Petra followed suit in the raw power category, clearly hoping for Machina Soul (the power to absorb technological items) but ended up with Devil Slayer, the power to kill powerful demons. It was a variant or relative of Dragonslayer, and like Dragonslayer, it allowed the Devilslayer to consume and utilize a single magical element, in Petra's case 'Darkness', as well as rendering her immune to elemental Darkness attacks. Talk about covering weaknesses… a Steel Psychic immune to Dark. Get her immunity to Fire & Ghost and she'd be untouchable… almost.

When I asked her why she hadn't just bought Machine Soul instead of rolling, she simply shrugged and said that 'Resilience' (a hundred point perk that would allow her to shrug off blows that could level a small house with only a little dramatic blood loss) was more important. She'd also bought a pair of magical headphones that could play any song stored in its unlimited magical database, which was important because sometimes she went through five heavily reinforced headphone sets a week if she was being aggressive… which she almost always was. What can I say, she likes her music… and fighting people taller than her. Did I mention she's super short in human form?

She hadn't given herself an identity, leaving that part filled in with a drawing of a crab holding a fork for some reason. Sometimes the logic of other beings confuses me. I guessed she might mean 'Devil Crab' as a play on 'Deviled Crab'… which she eats, shell and all, with no hint of irony. They can't all be winners. Still, I filled in the spot with actual words.

Uriel's choices were a strange, almost whimsical blend of useful and gleeful. From the perk trees he snagged Resourceful and Pragmatism (Some people are all about standing their ground honorably, no matter what comes. That's fine and dandy for them, but you always seem to know when it's time to just get out while the gettin's good.) That was the intensely practical side. For magic… he picked 'Aera', the ability to sprout wings and fly. Having passed up 'Soar' back in Touhou, I guess he felt the need to make up for it. Unlike Soar, the flight speed of Aera could be increased at the cost of expending more magic power, and Aera's user could carry another person without noticeable strain.

It all seemed a bit whimsical and carefree to me, but maybe I was projecting a vision of the angelic Uriel… the Flame of God… but my much less angelic Uriel had chosen to name himself 'Battlecrow', which was probably more in the Valkyrie / Odin line than the Judeo-Christian model. He had a note attached to his build. It said, "The wings I generate with my magic will be a chromatic black, the kind that has an almost rainbow effect as light plays over it, and will constantly shed feathers that scatter themselves behind me almost at random. The system accepts that the effect can be suppressed or deactivated with a little concentration for those times where discretion is warranted, but I will otherwise not be turning it off." He further noted that he planned to be quite elderly for the duration of the jump, in keeping with the Odinic theme I warranted.

I was, perhaps a little surprised by that, since although he wasn't the only one of my companions who had been elderly when recruited (Toph had been in her nineties by the end of the second Avatar Jump… or second part of the Avatar Jump… either way, she was the eldest of my companions besides the immortal and functionally ageless RayRay.) he was the one who disliked being old the most. All of my companions that had been with me in Avatar had experienced prolonged aging. The twin jumps had taken just about nine decades between them, after all. Some had even died of old age. Uriel had not.

He'd begun the first jump as a one-hundred and thirty-year old Air-Nomad and ended it well over two-hundred years old and exceptionally cranky about it. I should point out that a member of the human race of the Avatar world should not have been able to live anything like two-hundred and twenty years. I have no idea how he managed it, especially without access to the med-bay. But he had. He had found refuge in the home of Bao's family, and had become the tutor to the young man, and the two had remained close until Bao had died in his mid-sixties, a victim of the violent crime that had routinely plagued the still young Republic City.

Uriel, known in that lifetime as Dechen Champa, had become a fixture of the city, preaching compassion and forgiveness alongside passive-resistance and obedience to the law… for which he had been beaten multiple times by the criminal element for rousing the public to resist them, and then daring to refuse to back down in the face of their intimidation tactics.

But moving on… and speaking of Bao… Bao, clever, scholarly, always eager to prove himself useful, Bao… picked up the C-Class magic 'Archive'… a strange little magic that gave the Wizard the ability to store information in a magic database and identify other magics that were used around them, but in a more analysis less intuitive way than the ID Magic Perk, which was fine and dandy and made a certain amount of sense. What made less sense was that 'Archive' also allowed the user to create solid-like UI Screens… and when I say solid, I mean as in defensive forcefield solid… that was a bit odd… but useful. An actual command console in the middle of a battlefield. It was, however, not a mobile system as we were to discover, so it was definitely more an overwatch type ability… but that was fine for our warrior-poet.

He also picked up the S-Class 'Enchantment Magic' (there was also a perk 'Enchanting', but it was all about making little utility magical gadgets that were, apparently, good for making pocket money, but not really on par with the rest of the magic available in-setting.) Enchantment Magic allowed the mage to bind their own magic into someone or something in order to boost or alter the target's attributes. A skilled enough enchanter could, in theory, remove or transfer the magic of one being to another… or even rearrange the landscape of an entire continent. Apparently, in canon, Enchanters had granted items like swords human forms and emotions, and the Dragons had created the Dragonslayers via Enchantment. The only downside to the magic was that if the Enchanter was killed, every active effect that relied on them for support would automatically end… unless already made permanent by some other method.

He named himself 'The Spellbroker'… Which I guessed meant that he was planning on playing the mercenary analyst. For a moment, I hoped this wouldn't come back to bite us… then realized that, in all likelihood, everything we did was likely to do exactly that, no matter where we went or what we bought or did. Such was the nature of existence when one jumped from reality to reality at narratively important moments.

Speaking of wandering disasters… Ryoga (as expected) went for the most powerful and destructive thing he could find, the S-Class 'Crash'. It was a perfect complement to his blossoming God of Destruction motif, as it was was billed as 'The bane of the works of man.' According to the description, With but a touch, the user of Crash forces gates to fly open and skip like rocks through the estate, castles crumble to dust, and weaker spells simply shatter into so much nothing. Bones Shatter… Towers… Shatter. Used carelessly, the strongest iron fortresses or greatest battleships could be reduced to scrap metal. Great… more human wrecking machine. 'Ruddigore, The Living Calamity' he named himself… and I had to agree. Then again, he still blushed when a pretty girl talked to him, so that's something.

Thankfully, Crash was so powerful that it actually included its downgrade, the A-Class 'Disassembly', which could turn a target into many smaller, weaker copies of the original, or dice a large structure into cubes. Either way, after a short interval, the pieces would reform into the original without suffering any lasting harm.

For his free C-Class, he picked up 'Transformation Magic' which would allow him to change his appearance. As a beginner, that meant his body only, but an intermediate user could change their clothes and or voice, while a master could use it to gain other features such as wings or gills… or even use it to change sizes. It was, far and away, the most powerful of the C-Classes, in my opinion, but also quite possibly the hardest to master. It wasn't the least combat useful however, since that dubious honor went to Writing Magic (yay me!).

Yoiko, being slightly more sane than her big brother, took the 'Haggling' perk, which made her more apt at spotting the quality of goods and thus determining the optimal price to pay for them, resulting in an average decrease in the cost of everything she bought by at least 10%. She also took 'Agility', which boosted her already formidable physical grace, and 'Charisma' which did a similar number on her social graces, where she had been (to be honest) a little lacking.

I love her (and her brother)… but they're still Hibikis… i.e. a little dense, well-meaning but bonkers, and prone to wild over-reactions. The two of them once spent nearly a year refusing to talk to each other over the matter of a stolen bagel… which, it turned out, Ziggy had stolen… though of course they'd blamed each other… and destroyed several priceless works of art… ah well. I had all the bits in storage until such time as I found a form of magic that could reconstruct them flawlessly.

Yoiko also took 'Binding Magic' as her free C-Class… which is not nearly as useful as it sounds, and (in a way) far scarier. Rather than being a general use set of compulsions and gaeases and binding wards, it would allow her to generate soft tubes that capable of stretching and constricting so as to bind opponents or be used much like whips. I wondered if I should be worried about what 'Yara the Lash' might be plotting. Soft things are only soft until you apply ki and or accelerate them to the speed of sound.

Kendra, apparently sick of bullet hell battles, took the B-Class 'Slowing Magic' which allows the user to slow down opponents that are within a certain radius of them when they cast it, simply by altering their targets' perception of time. However, anything not caught in the radius would be completely unaffected by the spell, even if it enters the radius later while the spell was still active, the C-Class 'Celestial Spirit Magic' (which allows the user to form summoning contracts with Celestial Spirits that they bring forth into the material realm through the use of Celestial Spirit Keys… and unlike other Celestial Spirit Mages, buying the CP version (instead of just buying keys, which were on sale in a different part of the document) meant that her Spirits would level with her… so to speak… Magic Shoes.

Those last were a pair of Lacrima-powered shoes that increase the wearer's running speed to that of a cheetah. Slow and Speedy, the ultimate rope-a-dope, was clearly her intent. To anyone caught in the radius of her magic, she'll become all but unhittable. If only she hadn't made her report into a paper airplane and nailed me in the head with it from the top of one of the warehouse stacks. Good aim though. She called herself 'Kay, The Unshadowed', which spurred memories of Jet Li using 'No Shadow Kick' in Once Upon A Time In China… the idea being that it was so fast it didn't cast a shadow. Since Kendra was a big fan of martial arts movies, I'm certain it wasn't an accidentally comparison. Still, I felt she was making a bit of an error in her purchases… and that meant talking with her, despite her not wanting to talk to me.

"K…" I began, holding up my hands to show that I came in peace… and brough fresh triple chocolate fudge brownies. "Don't give me that look… and please listen before you storm off like you've been doing all week. I think you might want to reconsider the shoes."

"Why?" I could feel the bite in her words as I spoke to her through the door.

"Open the door please. You know you want some of these. They have mini-marshmallows that have been caramelized with a blow-torch." That was her favorite. I do pay attention.

She opened the door, eyed the brownies, then snagged the plate. "You have twenty seconds to make your case," she said tersely.

"They sound like something that can be bought in setting for cash," I pointed out.

"For how much cash?" she asked.

"I don't know. But if I can find them for sale, I bet I can make you some… If not, I'll apologize… but buying things with CP that can be stole, bought with currency, or made… it's… sub-optimal," I pointed out.

She glared at me, then snarled, "Fuck optimal."

"At least ask the system what the fastest race is… it's a fantasy world… maybe there are supernaturally fast people around?" I suggested.

She blinked. "The Jumptree doesn't say anything about races."

I nodded. "You're right. It doesn't… but can it hurt to ask?"

She glanced between me and the brownies, then opened the door and moved to where her tablet was, setting down the plate and opening up the search dialogue in the help menu. After several seconds it spit out an answer and she muttered, "… it says Weretigers are noted for their ferocity and speed."

"Will it let you be one?" I asked.

"Yes…" she said slowly, "For 50 CP. But it warns that they're uncommon and not well liked. And somewhat unpredictable."

"Something to consider. And it's half the cost of the shoes. That's two more keys if you pay CP for Corvus and Pictor." Celestial Spirit Mages got three keys for free and a discount on any others. She'd already selected Corvus (a thieving raven to harass her enemies) and Pictor (a near perfect artist that could paint flawless images of anyone described or seen), as well as Aquila (a massive eagle-harpy that was strong enough to carry an adult human and (in the immortal words of Penny) 'Combat Ready'). The problem was that Corvus and Pictor were as cheap as Spirits came (Fifty Choice) and the freebies from Celestial Spirit Magic allowed up to three two-hundred Choice keys.

She eyed me suspiciously for a very long moment, then said, "Twenty seconds are up. I'll send you the revision." I knew that was my cue to leave.

When I got back to the kitchen, I found the revision waiting for me. She'd bought the weretiger… and moved the keys, freeing up their slots for Monoceros (a teleporting and incredibly paranoid unicorn with healing powers) and Noctua (an owl capable of using low-level wind magic). For celestial beings, these spirits didn't sound particularly powerful… but then again, she'd gotten five of them for the low low price of a freebie and fifty Choice. And, though I hadn't mentioned it, there was a very good chance that these Keys could also be bought in setting as well… It just wasn't worth the hassle. That's the problem with being all but immortal… sometimes your personal feuds can last literal ages. Then again, we also had practically all the time in the world to make up, now didn't we?

I moved on to Joy, who, as a disciple of the gun and preparation, had signed up for the 'All the Guns Ever' club, taking the C-Class 'Gun Magic' which allowed its user to create various types of magical bullets (usually with elemental enchantments, but also such weirdness as candy bullets or bubble bullets). When those bullets were loaded into the mage's guns and fired, whatever effect was on the bullet would be triggered, effectively turning a gun into a magic wand that did something other than merely cast 'Bullet'.

Of course, 'Gun Magic' by itself wasn't enough for the AtGE club. No, for that one needed look no further than her second purchase, a strange sounding magic called 'Requip' which allowed the user to summon equipment they owned from a handy pocket dimension (i.e. the cosmic warehouse) while in battle. And of course, if you could summon equipment from that dimension, the corollary was that you could banish it there as well. That was cool enough, but hardly worth the title of 'Requip'… because that was exactly what it did. In the heat of battle, a Requip Mage simultaneously summoned new equipment and banished old equipment, all but instantly swapping their current loadout. Stronger users could even switch equipment many times during a single battle.

While it wasn't infinite ammo, we do have thousands of guns in the Warehouse's arsenal. If Joy started magicking up bullets, she could load dozens or hundreds of different mission specific loadouts and just summon the gun she wanted at any given time. In fact, Requip was so interesting that I even (briefly) considered swapping out something from my build to buy it, but didn't for two reasons. First off, I don't have a lot of weapons that are anywhere near the power of Soul of Ice or armors that rival VIctoria… maybe I should start working on that. And second… with Joy to study, I was absolutely certain I'd be able to duplicate the magic she was using. It was, after all, my Warehouse she was tapping into. Joy named herself 'The Shooter Saint'… I probably would have gone with 'The Sniper Saint' myself… but Joy's a bit more close combat than I am. Her idea of a gunfight is one where the combatants can see each other's eyes. My idea of a gunfight involves orbital mechanics… and possibly history manipulation… oh yeah… that's a thing. Can't actually kill someone directly, but if I fire a bullet and then shift history just enough so that the target is standing exactly where the bullet will hit? Blamo. In Touhou, I'd only ever done it with non-lethal attacks (everything in Touhou is pretty much non-lethal)… but the principle should work regardless of killing intent.

If Joy was almost eager to combine her old techniques with magic, Ahab seemed a practically leery of the whole magic thing… even after all these years, so he took the 'Leadership' and 'Read the Atmosphere' perks, settling for the fairly mundane 'Body Restriction Magic' to round out his build. Why did he take that one (aside from the fact that it was free?). When I asked, he claimed it was because BRM seemed more like a combat technique, than a magical effect since actually utilizing its effect (it caused a target's limbs to fall asleep, effectively immobilizing them briefly) required actual physical contact with the target. It could also be shrugged off with strong enough magic or an indomitable enough will. I had the feeling he'd be applying it via the vehicle of CQC and wondered if his eschewing the potential range effectiveness of it would make the relatively weak magic more potent. Things tend to work out that way, I've noticed. Self imposed limits often magnify the effectiveness of magic. I've wondered why multiple times, but never heard a convincing theory on the subject that didn't boil down to 'Because reasons!'

As for his perks, 'Leadership' was about what one would expect, a straight up boost of about 25% to his ability to take charge of situations and boss people around in an effective and not asinine fashion, while 'Read the Atmosphere' was a global boost to communication based on his knowledge of (I kid you not) dialogue scripting. Seriously, it gave him a better sense of how tense a situation might be and how to respond accordingly, either to exacerbate that tension, or ease it. The first seemed to be an odd metric… how do you get 25% better at something almost immeasurable like that… I guess by raising your skill total from 8 to 10. Thanks Gygax. You're welcome EssJay. The second… wow… that was meta. It essentially assumed that every conversation was being actively scripted in real time. Deep… and disturbing. Were we characters in a story? Wasn't that always the question? Or did it matter not the slightest? Regardless, for an identity he simply drew a smiley face… with one horn. Oh, good lord… he was going to resurrect the identity 'Venom Snake', wasn't he?

I checked the system… I was 80% correct. He'd psyched me out and gone with 'One Horned Viper'… which was something of a blending of One Winged Angel and Venom Snake… I liked it. I added a note into the system to give his local incarnation the skin pattern of the Horned Viper… but with the scales varying in smoothness depending on his mood… spiky when angered, smooth when enjoying himself. The system asked if I wanted to give him a snake's nictitating membrane (the second sideways eyelid) and I confirmed, then added in Viper Eyes to complete the picture, though I did send the whole thing to Ahab's PDA for confirmation… what, you thought we were doing this on paper? Please… this is the… never mind… Human Epochs are a meaningless distinction inside the Warehouse. Leave it so say we are a tech-savvy bunch. I was certain he'd not have a problem with the eyes… he'd had them for a decade in RWBY.

Toph, ever one for simplicity and a classical touch, took 'Palm Magic', which was, by far, the most martial-arts-like of the magical abilities on the list. The Palm Magicienne could channel magical power into the palms of their hands, allowing for potent strikes capable of smashing boulders, among other effects. While it wasn't the legendary 'Buddha's Palm' technique, nor even the lesser but still impressive 'Infinite Hedron Palm' (also known as Boundless Forms Palm), it had the major advantage that, since it wasn't a martial technique, it could (in theory) be combined with one of the above… if we ever got our hands on the manuals for them.

She'd actually wanted 'Earth Magic' (naturally), but as it was A-Class, the only way she could have gotten it was by blind luck… or by giving up her free C-Class and spending all her points. The reason she hadn't was because she'd wanted 'Green Magic', a non-combat magic that allowed its users to greatly accelerate the growth of plants (especially small ground-cover types, but also trees) and to halt desertification. I approved of her sense of balance… Atura doubly so… shame more of the Magics weren't non-combat in nature. Slap the ground, make grass grow!

In the box for identity she'd put 'I am Toph.' Of course she had. Sigh. Sometimes she was such a… stick in the mud.

I sent her a PM. "Toph the What?"

"What?" she replied.

"I mean," I typed back, "What version of Toph do you want to project to the world we're going into?"

Frowny face, nostril puff, hand with single finger raised. "There is only one Toph."

Laughing face, panda face, old woman, police badge. "Au Contraire. There are many."

Tongue sticking out, red slashed circle. "Nuh huh."

By that time I'd reached her location in the Lifestream garden where she was planting rice. "Yes, huh," I said, ticking off on my fingers. "There is Toph the rebellious child who became master of the arena and invented metalbending; Toph the creator of her world's first police force and mother; Toph the reclusive swamp hermit; Toph the Magi goddess; Toph the sarcastic dragon; Toph the amateur detective; Toph the badger girl who beat up giant monsters with a pair of fans… even Toph the dominatrix. There have been many Tophs. As long as you travel with me, there will always be more Tophs. It's part of the package as both a companion and as a living being. We are never who we used to be, only who we are becoming."

"Baaah!" she snorted, glaring at me. "Too much thinking, not enough punching."

"I'd say you need to get laid, but…" I shrugged my shoulders and smirked at her.

"Hahah!" she wagged a finger at me, looking very old woman-like despite her youthful form. "I didn't have nearly as much sex as you did, slut!"

"I wasn't slutty!" I protested. "I was being punished for being a thief!"

"So you say," she snorted. "You certainly got caught a lot!"

"Regardless…" I said, bringing us back to the topic at hand. "Toph the What?"

"You're changing the subject!" she accused, which was, rather tellingly, the pot calling the kettle a cooking device.

"No, you're trying to change the subject and trying to shift the blame to me to cover it." I grinned, then began that most deadly of all tactics… pop-psychoanalysis. "I know your tactics, bitch. You don't like introspection and you're trying to avoid picking a name for yourself. If you don't pick in the next twenty seconds I'm going to name you Lotus Head and you're going to have to live with it for a decade."

She frowned, thinking hard for about half the time limit, then just shrugged and said, "I… huh… okay."

"What?" I asked, a little confused. "Okay what?"

"I'm calling your bluff," she said.

"You want to be Lotus Head Toph for a decade?" I asked, incredulous.

"No," she shook her head. "Just Lotus Hat."

"Lotus Hat?"

"Like that Buddha guy."

"That…" I considered the effort needed to explain that in Buddhist symbology the Crown Lotus of Enlightenment wasn't a hat… then shook my head and said "Fine. You got it, Lotus Hat it is."

"I am Buddha Palm!" she anounced, doing her Blind Bandit Victory Pose (legs spread wide, hands on hips, head thrown back like a rooster crowing).

I grumbled, "You are a git with dirty toes."

"That too," she agreed, then turned back to her planting.

"You've also got a hundred Choice unspent," I pointed out.

"Meh," she said.

"Meh? Does that mean you don't care what it's spent on?"

"Not really?" she half-asked. "Why? Do you?"

"I typically prefer my companions to make informed and wise decisions. But for you, oh flora chapeau, I think I'll just give you Resilience and be done with it… unless you protest in five-four-three-two-one-too-late!" I counted off really rapidly.

She flipped me off. She's very fond of that gesture.

I laughed as I wandered off. Good to see at least one human who wasn't letting the events of the last decade weigh them down.

If Toph was the least affected among the humans, Velma was the most, though not by the perversity. In fact, she'd taken to that like a duck to breadcrumbs. Rather, she was still feeling powerlag at being so far behind all the rest of the companions (and essentially on par with Cirno, who is one very powerful little ice fairy) and had been shaken by the appalling power level of the residents of Gensokyo, barely contained as it was by the nature of the Danmaku Battle System. So, it was not at all surprising that she wasn't at all certain she'd be able to deal with this new and, quite obviously, similarly overpowered setting. So much so that nearly two more weeks passed and she still hadn't done her build. We only had four days left.

It took Zane, oddly enough, to calm her down and reassure her that, even if the world was against her, she'd have us behind her. I think she responded to his essential dogginess because she eventually submitted her form, though she, unlike any of the others, went for a single specific A-Class magic rather than any of the perks on offer. The magic she picked, 'Dark Ecriture', was one of the highest forms of 'Writing Magic' and combined that technique with another called 'Solid Script' to produce a rune-focused form of magic that could be written on any surface, or even in thin-air, and could be used to produce an almost unlimited number of effects, from traps and barriers to wings and weapons, or even less tangible things such as pain, fear, or bravery. It could be used to buff or debuff, or even to teleport and transform the user. The limits of Dark Ecriture seemed to be set not by any fundamental cap, but rather on the magical reserves and skill of the user.

It could, of course, produce the C-Class effects of the far weaker 'Writing Magic' with ease or (with a bit more difficulty) the B-Class effects of the rather odd 'Solid Script' which allowed the user to cast spells by writing words corresponding to the effect… for instance writing the word 'FIRE' (or in the case of Dark Ecriture, the rune for 'Fire') in the air would create an image of the word or rune 'FIRE' made out of fire that could be launched at opponents. It couldn't be used to bring about any spell more powerful than the caster could otherwise use, and wasn't nearly as flexible as Dark Ecriture was, but it wasn't nothing.

Solid Script sounded weird to me… but then again, a magic GUI that doubled as a shield was pretty weird too. SS sounded highly flexible too, since it pretty much allowed almost any effect that could be summed up in a simple word or phrase, but DE was a better choice. I'm not certain what the limits of a master of that strange magic would be, but I suspected Velma'd find out.

She also included a dozen potential identities, asking me to pick one. They included 'Red One', 'Groupthink", and 'Mother', but none of them really spoke to me, nor did they really capture her essential Velma-ness.

I suggested "How about 'Vera Truth'?" which got me a sour face in reply.

"Vera?" she huffed, which made her sweater do very interesting things. "What am I, grandma?"

"Short for Veritas?" I suggested, defending my position and trying not to be distracted by the bouncy-bouncy… down girl.

"So I'd be True True?" she frowned, thinking about it and not liking the implications. Finally she snorted, "At that point, I should be Trueheart."

"Verity Truehart?" I offered, by way of compromise.

"I… sure. Better than Vera. Oh… I had a thought. Can my Script Ogham rather than Futhark?"

I blinked at that, then shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not even certain this world's runes are Futhark. But you'd have to check the system. Why?"

"Because no one knows Ogham… well, no one living in our world… well, on Earth… I think. I mean, I guess it's possible some one on my Earth knows it… probably less likely that anyone on your Earth did… does… is it always this confusing to talk about? Anyway, I figure that, if I'm spelling things out, some people are bound to know Futhark, and spelling things out first gives people an idea of what's coming if they're fast enough. Much better to use a language they don't know. And anyway… how can runes not be Futhark? Runic script only comes in Elder Futhark, Younger Futhark, and Anglo-Saxon Futhorc."

I laughed at that idea, but not mockingly. "Dear heart… You're thinking of runes like a linguist or scholar. While, yes, on Earth, the Germanic alphabets were runic… there were actually others that predated the Elder Futhark and probably some other lost contemporaries of the others… they did descend from Phonecian by way of Greek and Italic, just like the Latin Alphabet. But that's only true on some Earths. In fantasy settings, runes are magical symbols, letters of power that form the basis of many magical systems. As for Ogham? I can't say as it would make a particularly deep symbol set. The variations of symbols are very slight… too easy to make a mistake. And yes, trans-reality trans-temporal tenses can give even Francy a migraine. But to get back to the topic at hand, wouldn't it be better to use a language with a reasonably large symbol-set that's also not typically found in fantasy literature?"

"I… I guess. But I don't know any of them. What would you suggest?"

"Well, Japanese, Chinese, and Korean culture produces a huge amount of potential settings, so let's discount them. Let's also discount Devana and Arabic. Cyrillic and Greek are possibilities, as is Hebrew. But you want something fluid yet powerful looking… how about Tibetan Uchen script? Some very dangerous people are likely to know it if the setting is right, but aside from them, I think very very few people in most settings will know the faintest thing about it."

"I don't even know Tibetan."

"Yeah… me either. Consider it a learning exercise. Harry Dresden postulates that using a language you don't know to cast magic helps shield your mind from the strain… I don't know if he's right, especially in worlds that lack the horror of the DresdenVerse's magical system, but I bet it will make your magic more potent to be written in words you only know as vessels of power, words you can fill with personal intent independent of their normal meaning or usage."

"I… guess that makes sense. Also means I'll need to practice each new word carefully."

"It does at that, yes," I agreed, then left her to face a crash-course in Urchen from VIvian. She's much much more advanced a teacher of languages than Rosetta Stone… even the Mass Effect Universe's edition 80.

With less than a day remaining before insertion, I did a headcount and realized that Cirno, who'd spent her time pouting that Icemagic wasn't on the list, then pouting that she couldn't afford Molding Magic (Ice) once it was pointed out to her, then pouting because she actually could afford it (she's not good at maths) but we pointed out she could already do that and we were being mean…. had not actually finalized her build.

What she had done was write down the name of the C-Class she'd specifically requested, rather than drawing it out of the hat ('Flattening Magic', which allows the user to flatten their bodies to a paper-like state, which can be useful in slipping through tight spots or dodging attacks) on a piece of paper, then half a muffin recipe, a picture of a fox with three ears fighting what looked like a space-heater. She'd stapled that page to her tablet, cracking the screen, then left the entire thing in the kitchen sink with the dirty dishes from breakfast.

I figured that taking 'Flattening Magic' made sense from a Danmaku (Bullet Hell) perspective… you know, minimizing one's hit box and all that… though she'd missed the point that FM only worked from one direction of course… I checked in the VMoD to see if it had actually recorded her purchase, only to discover that she'd actually made two random C-Class picks and ended up with Wool Magic and Smoke Magic… which, sure, had cost her fifty CP each after discounts from me and the randomness… But I had to wonder if the others had tricked her into taking the last two slots, since that actually meant that every single one of the eighteen C-Class magics had been taken exactly once. I consulted AJ, who explained that, rather than Cirno being stuck with what was left, Zane had suggested that the Ice Fairy get first pick… which was pretty decent of him.

Still… she'd only spent a quart of her points and all she had to show for it was the ability to create and control fluffy, comfortable pink wool so as to distract opponents or break falls and the ability to shape pipe smoke (of a color of her choice) to form fragile decoys of oneself or to strike enemies with smoke fists.

When I found her, asleep in VIvian's upper branches, and asked her about the powers (which sounded next to useless to me), she seemed… strangely pleased with the situation… and pulled out a bubble pipe… baka. Well, maybe she'd be able to make something useful of them… but since this was Cirno, I doubted it intensely.

I doubted it to the point where I hadn't even bothered asking her for a nom-de-guerre because I honestly wasn't certain I could explain to the self-proclaimed genius what one was or why she might want it. Unfortunately, she'd clearly heard about it from one or more of the others and so she'd decided that she was going to be 'Flatsmoke Woolbottom'… which as names go just made me want to hurt something. Still, she would not be dissuaded and imposing my own vision of how she should be in a jump wasn't the behavior of a reasonable entity… it would be a form of spiritual tyranny and I couldn't do that. Autonomy is to be treasured, not quashed… especially if I wanted to avoid any potential 'Revolts in Heaven' as it were. She did throw a tantrum when we told her she had to be human… after the system rejected her assertion that she was a fairy.

I did end up making her other purchases for her, as getting her to focus on the list was proving functionally impossible. Well, okay, I didn't really make the choices. I just explained what each of the perks available was and why she should take it. She wanted to take more magic, of course… but her choices were, in order, Sound Magic, Guitar Magic, Perfume Magic, Fortune Telling, Light Magic, Clone Magic, and Changeling… all of which were B-Class.

The first three were rejected on behalf of group sanity. The idea of Cirno making auditory or olfactory mayhem at all hours of the day or night did not appeal. The next two were rejected as being essentially useless at Cirno's level of skill. and the last two were were rejected because the idea of Cirno with either was frankly terrifying. Clone Magic would make more of her… and Changeling would allow her to swap people's minds between their bodies… and if a swap wasn't reversed in thirty minutes, only another use of Changeling could fix it. And yes, the magic stayed with the body.

Frankly, I'm not certain I'd trust anyone on my team with Changeling… myself least of all. I'd be far too likely to start swapping the oppressed into the bodies of their oppressors… which might be karmic justice, but was also existentially wrong and ethically unsound.

But back to Cirno. In the end, she picked 'Magazine Material' which gave her pin-up looks… when she didn't revert to her smaller juvenile state. Apparently that was as mature as fairy bodies got. The choice I all but tricked her into taking was called 'Wily Wizard'. It probably wasn't worth it, but it promised that she'd have greater understanding of and finger control with her magic… hopefully heading off the worst of the chaos… though I was certain one of the others would make up for the reduction almost immediately. Le sigh.

And that was that… or almost. "Atura? You coming?" I asked, turning my voice and attention inward.

"Indeed," she said, sounding intrigued… I think. If Fairies are hard to cope with, Spirits are even more inscrutable and alien. "I believe it would be best to take my pick of one of the high level S-Class magics, rather than chance an unfortunate roll on the A-Class list. That is, since we cannot afford Lacrima Creator, obviously the best choice from it's price tag among the perks."

I sighed. "Not everything is about cost. Just because something costs more, that doesn't make it automatically or axiomatically better. Individuality and personal choice matter a great deal. You could take something you find interest instead of going after pure power," I pointed out as gently as I could, not really knowing if Atura even understood the concept of rudeness or personal affront.

"I find everything interesting," the Spirit said.

"Oh," I said, thinking hard.

"While balance dictates utility over randomness… in this case, utility and randomness combine in one perfect package. With frugality tossed in for good measure."

"I… see your point," I allowed, wondering what she'd want to spend the remaining Choice on. "Is there any one of them you are most interested in?"

"Rules of the Area seems nice," she said.

I thought about that, then asked, "You mean the one that allows you to just make up rules that have to be followed and can cover an area the size of a small city? Yeah… I can see that. I think you'd be scary with that, personally. But you could just take it outright. You don't have to roll the dice."

"Not rolling the dice means the cost of an S-Class is four-hundreds," she pointed out pedantically. "Rolling the dice means the cost is two-fifty. Much more reasonable."

"But do you have a plan for how to spend the remaining points?"

"I do not," she admitted. "Still, I find the uncertainty of result and the anticipation of a serendipitous discovery or fortuitous outcome most appealing… even the potentiality of disappointment has created a certain… frisson? I guess you'd say." Her voice (which was also mine, but with entirely different inflection and cadence) carried with it a strange, otherworldly blend of emotions, like an excitement-contentment-resignation swirl.

"Is there anything on the list you'd rather not end up with?" I asked.

"The Take Over line does not appeal to me, and R.I.P. seems excessively grim and final." Since the three Take Over magics in the S-Rank (God Soul, Satan Soul, and Machina Soul) were all about transforming oneself in various ways, I could understand her reservations, and R.I.P., which could put someone into a permanent sleep state… and which did nothing else apparently, was tantamount to just being a murder machine with no other purpose.

"Understood. I shall attempt not to roll any of them," I scooped up the die and asked, "Shall I give them a toss?" As soon as I got her pulse of agreement, I let the semi-spheroid fly. Ziggy watched it go by and didn't so much as twitch. He was in his 'I am speedbump' mode, not even moving when I walked by to check on the result. "Let's see what the number says… 3. That's 'God Slayer'. Not plotting against me, are you?" I teased.

"I assume that was an example of sardonic humor?" she asked. "But no, I am not. I think… Chaos God Slayer… is that a magical element? Or perhaps Death God Slayer… or Evil God Slayer?… All such entities seem like they'd be unlikely to maintain the Balance… at least those who would revel in the use of their element. A proper Death God should not bring about death, but merely oversee it… Unless there is too much life… what is it that you call such things… Cancer?" I realized this was her version of rambling and just let her run. From Chaos Gods to Cancer… seemed about right.

"Er… yes," I confirmed. "I can't say disharmony is an element… but Chaos as it is often depicted is, in fact, considered The Primordial Element from which all others arise… Order out of Chaos, Balance out of Imbalance… so I'd think Chaos would be a good choice. If not now… later perhaps." I considered certain universes and nodded. "Yes… very good choice."

"Should I choose a name to be known as?"

I could not tell from her tone if the idea appealed to her or not, so I merely responded, "I… don't know. In either of the two jumps you've been imported to, have you gained any memories or persona… no form obviously…"

"Not per se. A… sense of the local spirit world perhaps, but that seems to be the limit of it. Then again, memory is even more identity for us spirits. My… our nature… could be changed. You mortals… or whatever you are… are the sum of your experiences and memories, but they do not define you. That is… less true for us spirits. We are who we are. To change that would change me forever. Humans can be other than they believe themselves to be. They can do things that are out of character or are surprising."

She paused for a very long moment, but I could sense she had more to say. There is something to be said for sharing your existence with another discrete being. Granted, I was doing it with two of them, but Atura was always inside me, while VIctoria was more external. Finally, she asked, "Do you… there is a story of a venomous insect and a small mammal and a river…"

"I know it," I confirmed. "The Scorpion stings the Fox as they are crossing the river, even though it means both will die, and when the Fox asks why, the Scorpion explains that it is merely its nature."

"Indeed. While we spirits do have free will, it is more constrained than corporeal life's free will, and every time we exercise it, it changes us on a fundamental level. What do you call them… Fallen Angels? These are messenger spirits who rebelled against their nature and became something else? Fundamentally defined by the choice they made… as Raava, once the spirit of Peace and Harmony, became 'The Avatar Spirit' when she bonded with Wan."

"Ah… yes. I understand now. Then giving you another name… that changed you, didn't it? By doing that, I have already done so, haven't I?"

"Yes. I was the Origin Spirit, Twilight, Balance… now I am the Manifest Spirit… but I am also Atura. Because you think of me as such," she said. "Do not fret. I cannot be other than I am, but unlike you mortals, I cannot dislike that which I am… though I think, thanks to contact with you, I could, perhaps, regret becoming something else… if I did not like the new me. But that is merely supposition. Please, continue to think of me as Atura."

"I shall continue to do so," I assured here.

"I thank you. Though I do worry," she said, introspection flavoring her communication. "There is an implication that I would, should I use this, be consuming Chaos, making it part of myself. Should that worry… why are you laughing?"

"Allow me to show you something," I said, scooping up the Ziggy and hoping over the back of my favorite sofa to land in the main family room. "VIvian! Main Screen, Mandlebrot Set, keep expanding it slowly."

"W… what are we looking at?" Atura asked.

As the swirls of colorful madness whirled around the appalling dark and foreboding abominations of darkness, I explained. "This is Chaos, in Mathematical terms."

"It is… for lack of another word… lovely," she said, sounding stunned.

"It is," I agreed. "It is also infinitely recursive. No matter how far you zoom in or out, the pattern it creates repeats infinitely. And the line around the black bug shape… it has infinite fractality. It is a 1 dimensional shape with a fractal dimensionality of 2. There are no end to the ramifications and kinks of the line," I explained, running my fingers through Ziggy's soft belly-furr.

She considered for several repetitions, then asked, "How does this address my concerns?"

"Because, Atura, my friend… all Order is Chaos taken far enough to reach Equilibrium… and what is Equilibrium but Balance? Chaos is change over time. When the system has too much chaos, it unbalances itself one way… when it has too little, it cannot adapt and an outside force unbalances it. To consume Chaos is to use it as a fuel for Balance. You reduce the Chaos in the system until it is at an acceptable level, a state of Balance between the destructive and the constructive… perhaps a bit more towards the constructive… progress is good, growth is to be encouraged as long as it isn't harmful."

"I knew I liked you," she said.

"Yes well… I like you too… now I have to get everyone ready. Any idea what else you'd like to purchase?"

"I think that Resilience would be a good purchase, assuming it will have any effect on something like me that has no corporeal form. And perhaps the Magical Identification perk that you have… thus I will not have to ask you to explain quite so often," she said after a time.

I hmmmed, then shrugged, "Don't know about Resilience, but I doubt it could hurt. You ready?"

"I was born ready," she confirmed. It did not sound like a brag, but merely a statement of fact. I doubt she even knew she was quoting a movie.

"You were born?" I asked, wondering how that worked.

Her 'glow' was almost smug. "All things have a beginning, all things have an ending."

"So they say," I replied, but I had to wonder if that was, in fact, true. "Just don't go picking fights with any Gods without consulting me first," I asked. "We share an existence. If you piss off a God, I'll probably have to fight it."

"I shall do my best to not pick fights I do not feel I can win," she said.

"I… it'll have to do." I wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect… but realistically, if I actually ran into a Chaos God, odds were that I'd have to fight it. I don't even know how one runs from a Chaos God… or any God, really.

I looked around at my crew, gathered for a sullen pre-insertion peptalk. I'd modified the jump to start three months before the story start, rather than three years, and now everything was as ready as it could be. "Look," I said to my people, "We've had a rough go of it these last ten years… and we're jumping without a map here. But we are a team, we've got the skills… hopefully the Drawbacks I've taken will mostly target me, so if it seems like someone's gunning for me, let them through. I can take more punishment… but try and help me out if it looks like I'm being swarmed… If I'm being tanked, don't try and fight whatever's tanking me, just grab me and go. I guarantee, I'm not going to try and lure anyone into a false sense of security." That got a few chuckles.

"If the enemy starts using something that seems to be something I'd use, look to see if they've got a crystal imbedded in them… but don't get too hung up on it being from the Lacrima Rain. Odds are, there will be people who can do all sorts of things that I can do in this world. Big thing, if you notice that any of your memories have been changed, I want to know immediately. If you remember something differently than everyone else does, I want to know immediately. Especially if it happens right around the day of the full moon… assuming this world has a moon… or only one moon."

I looked around at them, making eye-contact with each that would let me do so. "Clear?"

They responded in a rag-tag way, but I didn't push them.

"Good," I nodded. "I have faith in all of you," I lied. No group that included Cirno would that actually be true of, but I can lie without any tells, so eh… "We have no map of the territory, nor any idea what the future history might hold… besides probably some very large battles… so there's no point in making plans to deal with it. We're not good enough at planning for that to be a thing. Just try and make it through this with your sanity and ethical code largely intact. Okay?"

That got a few more 'ayes'.

"Excellent," I said, and (since there was no point in wasting any more time, seeing as how we weren't going to be any more ready than we already were) I hit the confirm button and we dropped.

INSERTION

You know the story of the people one town over from that one town that keeps getting flattened, attacked, and invaded? The story of people who hear all about the great big insane adventures going on elsewhere? That was me and my companions for the first year. See, Onibus is just across the desert from this town called Magnolia, home to this balls out crazy group of moronic overpowered children called Fairy Tail… Yes, as in the butt appendage of a pixie or something. Clearly, from the name of the Jump, they were the de facto heroes of this story… and supposedly they were the most powerful guild, though it didn't really show.

Still, we weren't in that guild. We were in Guild Jumpstar. Our Guild Leader, Quicksilver, was on something called a Millenium Job, a job so hard it would take a millennium to complete, and no one knew where he was or if he was a she or what. His/her powers were legendary… but no one living had ever met him, nor could anyone say what, exactly, those powers might be. He/She was simply 'Sir Not Appearing in this Story'.

The economy of being in a Guild was pretty simple. People brought us contracts, a senior guild officer ranked the contracts on how hard our seers said they'd be, then guild members volunteered (or sometimes were voluntold to volunteer) to take on these jobs. Essentially it was bounty work or adventure for hire or fetch quests… except the quest givers came to you. Guild Jumpstar tried to get things done in a professional and restrained… if sometimes a little flashy… way. By comparison, Fairy Tail was more than likely to destroy half your town to save a kitten.

Being who I am, I scouted out Fairy Tail, finding out who was who and what was what from the townsfolk and from the minds of some of the… let's not beat around the bush here… mental midgets who made up that team of thundering dunderheads. Christ.

They'd fight anyone, including their own friends, at a moment's notice for any damned fool reason… and the Dragon Slayer was clearly the Protagonist of this circus of Shonen Anime Lunacy… it was definitely not French, not with a character named Natsu Dragneel who possessed a shockingly pink mane of hair that had more spikes than Sonic the Hedgehog despite a total lack of hair gel. He also had a brain slightly softer than overcooked cabbage. Lots of Fighting Spirit…but very little Brain-Power to go with it. Made Ranma look like a Chessmaster and Monkey D Luffy look like a Genius. Even Naruto would have thought Natsu the Salamander (that's what Fire Dragon Slayers are called apparently) was a hotheaded dunce…. Still, at least he out-scored Goku in the thinking department. Though I will give him credit for being fiercely, uncompromisingly loyal to his friends… even the newest and least proven of their number.

In fact, that seemed to be Fairy Tail's schtick, loyalty. No matter how hard they fought, they… most of them at least… remained almost fanatically loyal to their comrades… and even seemed to have the ability to make some enemies into allies.

After dealing with the majority of the Lacrima Rain by the simple expedient of casting global range Accio X Lacrima… I did have a comprehensive list of all my perks and abilities, after all… and storing the potentially useful crystal rocks in my warehouse, I considered quitting Jumpstar to join Fairy Tail, just to get close to the action, but after seeing them nearly get wiped out by a rival Guild for no good reason… I decided against it. I also decided against infiltrating them using one of my alternate forms…. I just didn't have any information to go on and there were clearly plots afoot… too many of them to track down in time.

The biggest of these, to me at least, was the fact that, according to my memory, the dragon who'd trained me, Igneel, had decided I was too dangerous and had shifted his attention to Natsu. And then vanished… along with all the other dragons. Natsu had been searching for Igneel for years… as, apparently, had I… though for less savory reasons. It was strange having a motivation in my head that I just didn't feel, but thankfully, those memories were just that, and I swept the desire for revenge out of my head. So what if the past me had been cast out? I was dangerous and had absolutely nothing to prove to Igneel… or anyone really.

But if I couldn't join Fairy Tail… maybe I could beat them. Once the first three months were up (signalled by the arrival of Lucy Heartfilia, who seemed to be the Audience surrogate rather than the MC, in Magnolia) I developed a hobby while my companions ran make money missions (we needed to eat and pay rent and build up a sizable fortune with which to buy the various souvenirs this world had to offer… many many interesting toys… and that meant building a reputation.) I decided to build my reputation by appearing outside of Fairy Tail every day at noon and challenging one of their members to a fight. Every Day. For two months straight. It did double duty as practice and exposure to new magical techniques… most of which I copied at least for future reference.

I've been to worlds with magic or things very much like it before, don't get me wrong. Pokemon had some, Harry Potter had more, the Elder Scrolls had it in spades. Ranma even had some, as did Swat Kats. I'd been to Buffy, Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy VII, and Disney Princess. I'd been to Samurai Jack, Song of Ice and Fire, and RWBY. I'd even been to Touhou… but all of those worlds had had relatively few supernatural abilities, and when they did have more than one, most of them all worked on the same basic principle.

In this world, Earth Land… that did not appear to be the case. There were hundreds, thousands perhaps, of different magics and they seemed to lack any fundamental groundwork, any unifying system, as far as I could see. Some were conceptual, others object oriented, still others a weird twist on traditional thaumaturgy or theurgy. And so the scientist in me felt the need to analyze the magic of this world, to figure out how it worked and what made it tick. Or go mad in the attempt.

Not for the first time I regretted buying Flight in Buffy instead of the Watcher Handbook… though I'd used the flight to excellent effect later, so it hadn't been wasted… simply something I could… and had… picked up elsewhere… unlike a guidebook to all the magics of any given jump… hindsight eh? But to figure out the magic I didn't have a guide to, I had to test myself against the Protagonists… since I had no bloody clue who the Antagonists were… they seemed to show up just in time to get their asses handed to them by the Fairy Tail. Some of them were even members of Fairy Tail itself! Or ended up becoming part of Fairy Tail after their stint as Bad Guy of the Month had ended. This show must be such fight porn.

And so I gave it fight porn. I made my way through the lower ranked members of Fairy Tail, never being cruel or dismissive, (though sometimes I did use insults to get them to attack me in the first place), and never going for a kill… I didn't want the entire guild to attack en masse… I wasn't sure I could take their best yet… I certainly wasn't going to try and take them all on at once.

Each fight I used only as much force as needed to achieve victory, and I ramped up slowly, seeking to understand the limits of those I was fighting… as well as to gage how far my own abilities had grown… it had been a while since I fought like this, all energy and joy of the fight instead of a scrabble for life or limb (or to keep my precious stolen thing and my clothes and not to be punished). I wanted to force myself to grow into my new abilities, so began to consciously suppress my old ones.

If Natsu could be the MC of this setting based upon his Dragon Slayer Magic alone, I should be able to do so as well… though I knew from experience that without something to push me, I wouldn't master it. I had certainly struggled to unlock my Semblance in RWBY as I used too many other non-aura abilities and very seldom went even close to all out.

Regardless, it soon became a bit of a game slash spectacle. I'd show up, challenge the Fairy Tailers to send out their Champion of the day, I'd get a good workout, repeat the next day. And so it went until this lunatic with the head of an owl and a rocketpack (yes, the canonical owner of the Jet Magic… what a tool) showed up and tried to kill me… I learned only later his name was Fukuro… but I prefer to think of him as Owlhead Rocketboy.

The lunatic fucking ate me! Swallowed me whole. I could feel him trying to drain my powers as the digestion process began to kick in… but the surface of a stomach makes a damned fine surface for a portal and I dropped into the warehouse, then tossed out a couple plasma grenades and damped the portal down to its smallest aperture and reinforced the forcefields over that spot.

A minute later I opened the portal just a bit… guy must have had a fucking stomach of adamantium… or had somehow absorbed the blast… so I did what any good doctor would do… I pulled water from the pool and fed it out into his stomach in a torrent.

Riding out of a bird-headed assassin's belly on a flash flood of pool water and magical bile… weeee… also yuck. I might have limited myself against the Fairy Tailers… but that was training… this was my life… I froze the water solid around Rocketboy, then dived deep into his birdy little mind.

He was part of a trio of S-Ranked Assassins calling themselves 'Trinity Raven'… part of a Dark Guild called 'Death's Head Caucus'… both decent names… and they'd been hired by some lunatic religious group calling itself 'The Church of Zeref' to kill me. There was the bounty… glad to see they were taking me seriously and sending their top team to get me. I also learned from his mind that his partners were Gothrock Hairboy and Swordmiko von Slashgirl (AN: Not their real names)… and they'd gone after my companions.

I left Owlhead frozen in the middle of town and ported back to Jumpstar's guildhall, to find that Kendra was down, Velma was deadish, and Francine and Petra were both KORT (AN: Knocked Out Right There)… The others were holding their own, collectively, against the duo of assassins. As it turns out, the reason why four of my team were down is because Hairboy's Guitar gave him the power to take control of people and he'd been using my people against each other. I watched with growing annoyance as he took control of Toph and turned her against the others.

I… well, let's just say I'd taken some damage in my fight against Owlhead and my limit bar was full. My flaming fist might have managed to cook Gothrock's spleen before it exited his mouth, I'm not sure.

I drew Soul of Ice as I stepped between Joy and Ikaruga… Slashgirl. "Let me handle this… see to the others," I told she who had been part of me for one of the worst decades of my life. She nodded and stepped away.

There is little to compare with a duel between masters. Ikaruga had Sword Magic, a magical sword, and decades of training and practice in its use. I had sword perks, a magical sword, and more centuries of practice than Ikaruga had years of life. My in-field active combat time with the sword probably exceeded her lifespan… and it was still a close run thing. Sword Magic is no joke, and I treated her with respect, not pulling on any other powers… this was a duel between swordswomen and I honored that.

I wasn't even going to let her hit me if I could avoid it. My defenses might be top notch, but who knew what kind of enchantments were on her sword. I doubted very much Reactive Nano-Armor was proof against a vorpal blade.

We fought through a change of day to night and night back to day again. For eighteen hours we traded blows magical, physical, and spiritual. Her aura was a thing of beauty and her motions full of grace… unfortunately her heart was full of darkness and she would not relent. Oddly enough, I had no real desire to kill these people. They were assassins true enough, but they weren't motivated to attack me out of anything other than professionalism, and had been set on this path essentially because I'd hired them to kill me. It was a somewhat strange realization.

Still, I didn't think Energy Bending would work, since I didn't know her well enough, and Spirit Bending wouldn't work because she wasn't possessed. That left Redemption by Defeat…. And so I gave her an opening, a tiny one, something that might have been born out of fatigue or a transitory breeze… and she struck, as I'd hoped she would, her sword biting into my side.. And I tried to do the impossible… The perk 'Cut At Will' had given me the ability to cut only what I want to cut… assuming I could cut it in the first place. And way back in the mists of time I'd learned the ability 'Shehai', which allowed me to manifest a spirit sword… and with energy and spirit bending I could actually cut… in theory… what I wanted to cut.

I let Soul of Ice keep her blow from bisecting me, then (with my off hand) I formed a Shehai Blade and, with a cross body thrust, plunged it into Ikaruga's chest and gave the intangible blade a sharp twist. As she fell, I caught the swordswoman, my side burning in agony even as the wound healed almost as fast as it had been made. Good, no regen blocking enchantments.

"W… what… what have you done?" she asked, breathless.

"I have cut away the darkness in your heart," I said, trying for maximum cool… or as close as I could get without some sunglasses and a wah-wah machine.

"Th… that's n… not ho… how it… it works. T… that's a metaphor…" she gasped, flinching away from my words as much as from my hands as I laid her down on one of the low walls surrounding the guild hall.

"I am a creature of metaphor," I half boasted. In many ways, it was true. "The world is shaped by words and ideals. I simply made them my reality… and yours."

"You cheated!" she accused, trying to sit up.

"I did," I agreed. "I'm bad like that. Such dishonor, seeking not to kill a worthy foe. Anyway, I believe I've bested you and spared the lives of you and your team… your choice where this goes next," I bowed, partly to hide my smirk. "Anyway, I have to go fight Fairy Tail now… so you be good." I left my team to watch the downed members of Trinity Raven and ported back to Magnolia Town, knowing I hadn't seen the last of Death's Head Caucus.

That was the day I finally got to fight Gray Fullbuster, Fairy Tail's resident Ice Wizard. It was an interesting fight. He couldn't have defeated me in a century of Sundays, of course, but finding new ways to use ice magic was more important than winning… and anyway, I am a combat grade telepath, anyone without mental shields is going to have a hard time beating me. Gray had effectively none. Hell, he barely had social filters… and he was constantly stripping off his clothing for no damned reason!

Of course, while I'm telling you, dear reader, about my wondrous powers, rest assured I almost never feel the need to gloat about my powers mid-fight like a comic-book character. When I do, it's usually just before I deliver a finishing blow… if not after that.

Which is not to say I didn't show off against Gray. Chucklehead von Ice Make had to preface every creation by yelling 'Ice Make Floor!' 'Ice Make Cage!' 'Ice Make Cold!' etc… No wonder Natsu always wants to punch him. But that aside, he did have some subtlety, being able to freeze things to the shattering point and to create intricate ice-forms… But he was slowed by the need to to speak… as were most of these people. It was a challenge not to yell 'Ice Makes the Grass Grow, Kill Kill Kill!' or something equally inane. His Ice Bazooka was actually a thing of beauty, but ultimately no match for my Snowflake Boomerang Blizzard or Thermal Vortex or… well, to be honest, I have a lot of different ice magic attacks. The full list of them would take several hours to read, and that's without explanations.

By the end of two months I'd fought most of the low level guild members… and none of the S-Class mages: Laxus, Erza, Mystogan, Gildarts, Mirajane, or Makarov. Sure, these were in the nature of friendly fights… I certainly wasn't killing my way through the ranks… and I think that's part of the reason the big kids hadn't come out to play… well, that and Mystogan almost never showed up, Gildarts was off on some Decade Quest, and Mirajane had lost her mojo. As for Makarov? He was old… really old… for a local at least.

But Laxus and Erza were both relative hotheads and getting Laxus to fight me shouldn't be hard… especially since he was apparently planning on taking over the guild by force and kicking out the weaker members (I told you one of the BBEGs was a member of Fairy Tail!) His personal team within the Guild was called 'The Thunder God Tribe' (Such hubris, much fall), consisting of Freed Justine (a ward-maker via Dark Ecriture), Bickslow (a doll mage), and Evergreen (a walking medusa with killer fairy dust)… I also hadn't faced any of them… since they'd been off adventuring for those first couple months that I'd been doing actual challenges. I mean, I knew where they were, but they hadn't exactly been showing up for my daily fights.

Laxus himself was a Lightning Dragon Slayer… though apparently that wasn't public knowledge and everyone just thought he was a Lightning Magic user… he was the kind that had Lacrima embedded inside his body, rather than having been trained by an actual dragon… as opposed to Me or Natsu or this turkey named 'Gajeel' who was an Iron Dragon Slayer. There was also this kid 'Wendy' who was a Sky Dragon Slayer. We'd all been trained by dragons.

Gajeel had started as a member of the 'Phantom Lord Guild' but after they were forced to disband for being eeeeeevil, he became a member of Fairy Tail. Wendy I'd meet later in my stay, the junior-most member of a Guild called 'Cait Shelter'… which would also eventually disband (willingly this time… well, for certain definitions of willingly… there was only one other member from Wendy and he was a ghost who'd fulfilled his purpose. All the other members had been illusions, though apparently self-aware ones), leaving her to join Fairy Tail as well.

But that was the future. Back in the present, Laxus, who was also Guildmaster Makarov's grandson, was pretty sore that Gramps had banished Ivan (the father/son that lay between them) from the Guild for being a Grade-A Asshat… something Laxus seemed keen on repeating. Regardless of Laxus's motivations and their justifiability, I was there primarily to test myself, and Laxus was the first non-Fire Dragon Slayer I'd run into. I really wanted to throw down, if you know what I mean. Sure, he was focused on taking control of Fairy Tail, but I figured taking out his goon squad might provoke him… so I made it personal.

I sowed the rumor of a strange forest temple (amazing what people with Earth Elemental Control and Plant Magic can throw together in a relatively short period of time), which contained a rare magical creature guarding a magical item related to a Lightning Dragon… then made sure Laxus heard about it. The rumor was that a lightning lion (based on a Luxray (a lightning lion pokemon… not that I actually had one… Man, it's a shame I didn't have a Luxray from Pokemon… I bet the two of them would get along great!) was guarding a lightning caster.

Of course, being chuckleheads, the Thunder God Tribe fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I set Toph to take care of Evergreen, AJ and Francine to take care of Freed, and Yoiko and Ryoga to take care of Bickslow… and Zane pretending to be the Luxray while I faced off against Laxus. Long story short… we trashed the temple… Easy come, easy go… And I got my scan data on the Thunder God Tribe… I hope they liked their Starfleet Lightning Phasor… damned thing's impossible to aim.

The Dragon Slayers were particularly impressive sorts. Natsu and I couldn't hurt each other with our magics because we'd just trade energy all day… well, strictly speaking I could easily out last him in the manna field and as long as I didn't give him any fire to eat, I could run him, eventually, to exhaustion. Which I did. It's not bragging to point out I'm smarter than Natsu… so is the average housecat. Laxus could hit hard and fast… but his lightning couldn't hurt me either. Gajeel, made of iron, was a formidable foe, but not particularly bright either… and he was far from unbeatable, even by local standards. I didn't fight Wendy… she was a kid and primarily a healer at that. Unfortunately, defeating Natsu and Gajeel meant that they were now constantly hounding me for a rematch. Then again, so was Gray.

Since I really didn't want to fight them every day for the next six years, I told them that if they could convince Erza to fight me and if she won, I'd give them a rematch. And to make the pot sweeter for Erza, I even offered her a magical sword if she could beat me… We both collected them and I had several duplicates. I wanted to see what the so-called best there was at Requip, the Fairy Queen Titania Erza, could do.

We held the fight on an artificial island I raised in Magnolia Bay… I promised the town I'd sink it again… only to be asked if I could make it a bit bigger and give it a hill… and move it a little northwest… maybe two-hundred meters or so… strange people. Apparently there's money in raising off shore real estate. Who knew? (Actually I should have… one of my favorite novels, 'Diamond Age' by Neal Stephenson, mentions it. I wonder if that will be a jump?)

Erza's magic isn't powerful in and of itself. It's pretty damned simple really. I'd seen how Joy did it, and was fairly certain I could replicate the effect. All the various magics of this world were either Holder… i.e. item based or Caster… i.e. spell based… and that means all you had to do was learn the spells…. And then master them. Sure, there was a third category, 'Ancient / Lost' but even those mostly fell into Holder or Caster as well. My point was that the magics of this world were, almost to a one, learnable techniques rather than innate abilities, and that meant I could copycat them… except Gajeel, Windy, and Laxus… all of whom had something extra to make them what they were. There were probably other magics that had biological requirements, but Requip? Not as such.

Essentially, all Erza did was draw on the massive collection of magical arms and armors that she kept in a pocket universe, summoning them at need. The Requip Magic just allowed her to do so nearly instantly… and summon the armor already equipped and the weapons right into her her hands. It was equal parts preparation and practice… but then came skill. She was a brilliant fighter with tons of magical energy and liberal doses of Fighting Spirit and general Kick Assness.

She was most impressive and I found that the subtle goading I'd used on the others to make them fight me at full strength was not needed to make her to fight me seriously. Erza Scarlet had one setting… '11'. It was a glorious fight and I would have ended it by declaring her to have beaten me, had I not sensed that she'd know if I pulled my punches. Still, I did limit myself. I fought without Victoria or Soul of Ice, using only a pair of magical shortswords I'd crafted called Freezerburn and Waterlaser… two guesses what kind of enchantments they had on them. Just because Natsu only used one type of magic didn't mean I had to limit myself.

About a week after my fight with Erza, while I was still trying to figure out how to find Mystogan or Gildarts… or how to get Makarov to fight me (he was one of a group of so called Wizard Saints, the ten most powerful living Wizards supposedly… As tests of strength go it doesn't get much better than that)… my agents brought me word that Erza had been kidnapped and the Wizard Council was preparing this superweapon called 'Etherion' (yes, clearly what the X-Class Magic was named for) to take out this absolutely obscenely tall tower in the middle of the ocean… and that Trinity Raven had been dispatched there to slow anyone who might rescue her.

I thought about interfering, but I had a feeling everything would turn out… if not okay… then with lessons learned… this had all the earmarks of a Shonen Manga after all… And also… what the hell did I know about what was going on. But still, I wanted to see the fireworks, so I went there in person. It wasn't hard to find… the giant sky runes covered a sixteenth of the planetary surface.

Team Natsu managed to rescue Erza, Trinity Raven escaped, two members of the Wizard Council turned out to be traitors… and I learned a new trick. When Etherion was fired at the tower (it was a trap) the tower turned into a huge Lacrima… And Natsu ate some of it. Turns out it gave him a huge jolt of power… and knocked him on his ass for three days after that. I stole… a very large chunk… of that tower for further study. I also ate a few small pieces of it… can't say it tasted very good, but it had pure elemental energies infused into it… all sorts of goodness though I couldn't exactly use even half of those elements directly. It was like a magical sugar rush… on steroids.

I also ate one of the Lacrima that copied my Conduit Power… yeah, I hadn't anticipated that there would be multiple copies of each, but there were, on average, about half a dozen for each perk and power, and about a dozen for each skill. Oh… good lord… the rush… it was… there aren't words. It was like mainlining essence of me. Unfortunately, it also made my Conduit powers go haywire for several weeks, turning my skin blue and causing me to emit an arctic chill that I had a very hard time limiting. The second one I ate was even worse, and the haywire effect was both more extreme and longer lasting. I stuck the rest back in storage.

Not long after the Tower of Heaven incident (as it was being called), Team Thunder God put in motion their idiotic coup to take over Fairy Tail… it faaaailed… but there was redemption and no one died… then Fairy Tail sent Team Natsu (consisting of Lucy, Natsu, Gray, Erza and Happy the flying cat… and why the hell is Natsu in charge? Erza outranks him and everyone else on the team including the cat is smarter!) to team up with three other guilds (Lamia Scale, Blue Pegasus, and Cait Shelter, enter Wendy as I promised) to take down one of the Big Three Dark Guilds (The Oracion Seis… the other two being Grimoire Heart and Tartaros)… Funny how only two S-Ranked Mages were sent on this 'vital' mission (Erza and the Lamia Scale's team leader, Jura Neekis, one of the Ten Wizard Saints). Definitely a Shonen…

Again I tagged along, me and mine trying to find some hint as to what the bigger picture was. Officially, Jumpstar was volunteering to assist… you know, out of a sense of civic duty or something.

That turned out to be almost disastrous, as the Oracion Seis activated some kind of ancient superweapon called Nirvana which possessed the power to turn anyone possessed of depression or doubt from light to darkness… or vice versa. Fighting evil Ryoga? Not good. Fighting evil Ahab and Joy? Sooo not good. Thankfully I managed to bring them around once they were subdued with a bout of Spirit Bending, but oy…. No fun. Missed the takedown of the giant walking Good/Evil Reversing spider… and by giant, I mean easily fifty stories tall. Which might have been a good thing, since the Motion Sickness that is part and parcel of being a Dragon Slayer made even being on the mega-mecha a bitch and a half… that better wear off at the end of the Jump or I'll want a refund.

Anyway, the defeat of Nirvana and the Seis signalled the end of Cait Shelter's existence in this realm and Wendy, now an orphan for the second time, joined Fairy Tail… I even let her hug Ziggy, that's how sad she was.

A few weeks later, I arrived in Magnolia for my routine fight… only to find that someone had stolen the whole fucking city. There was a portal in the sky and bubbles floating up to it. Lead to a place called 'Edolas'… fucked up version of Earth Land, where magic was a finite resource and was running out. That's where my Evil Twin came from… Evil Ziggy too. Evil Ziggy and Good Ziggy are very hard to tell apart. They are both psychotic and prone to very long naps and total illogic. Thankfully, Evil Ziggy couldn't shapeshift into a linoone, so telling them apart was easy.

Less easy was the fact that the insane King of Edolas, Sir Faust, had stolen Magnolia to power the magics of the kingdom's warmachines… and the Exceeds, a race of flying cats (yes, like Happy or Wendy's cat Carla) were worshipped as angels… and everyone had a kinda weird anti-them. Not so much Evil as just reversed. Gajeel's counterpart was calm and reasoned, Natsu's was a coward, Erza's was fucking psycho…. Mine… who actually was Evil was more Eeeeeevil than actually wicked. Also a lazy bum who made her minions do everything for her and never shared her candy. Thankfully, as promised by the drawback, she didn't have any of my Jumper abilities natively… though she did have a large criminal organization… and a fairly decent collection of the Lacrima of my abilities. Turns out a lot of them had fallen in Edolas… and my Accio X Lacrima had only covered Earth Land. Well played, Banker-San. Well played.

I still had no interest in messing with Fairy Tail's story. Too easily I could make things worse, and even though they'd lost their magic… and so had I… they were doing pretty good. I still had my psionics and spiritual abilities, like bending, so I wasn't too limited, so I stealthed it up and watched, doing little besides thwarting Evil Me and removing her Lacrima… Up until Sir Faust brought out this giant magictech mecha, the Dorma Anim. I just had to fight that… how many chances do I get for Mecha v Mecha battles?

I summoned the newest generation of the Mega-Dragonzord and we threw down, me and my companions piloting the six-person supermech against Edolas's finest artifact. It was one hell of a fight, but it was the most fun I'd had in decades. We emerged victorious… but Bao and Vivian would be doing a loooot of maintenance. Did steal whatever bits of the Dorma Anim were left… reverse engineering goooood. Of course, it turned out that a lot of the power cells for the big thing were Me Lacrima. Those too went into the Warehouse.

Shortly after that, all the remaining magic in Edolas was drained and sent into Earth Land where it would be barely noticed. That also sent back Magnolia, all the members of Fairy Tail, all the winged cats, and me and mine. Poof.

It also sent back Mirajane's baby sister, whose disappearance had transformed Mira from tomboy punk fighter to soft and sweet den mother. With the family restored, Mirajane got her groove back and I was finally able to fight her. She used one of the Full Body Take Over Magics… in her case Demon Soul (another one of those biological requirement powers. No idea how to get the 'demon particles' that specifically allowed it, but I was definitely curious)… Sweet, nice, compassionate… flying fury. Such a massive boost in attack power and ferocity. Good fight. Closest I'd come to defeat, though neither of us were fighting to the death.

Then Gildarts returned (though Mystogan had gone missing apparently for good), giving me a chance to fight him… ouch… Turns out he's the one with the Crash magic. If I'd fought him without having practiced against Ryoga, I might have lost. Still, dude was tough as nails and, if anything, even less good in the self control arena than Ryoga… as in can't walk through town without breaking… the town. Had the same respect for walls that Shampoo did but on a grander scale.

A couple weeks after that fight, something utterly fucked up happened… Fairy Tail was having its S-Rank trials to find a new S-Ranker… supposedly happened every year but S-Rank Mages don't grow on trees. And no, being S-Ranked in one guild doesn't transfer over. Juvia (Gray's Girlfriend / Stalker) and Gajeel were both S-Ranked in their old guild, but not when they joined Fairy Tail… Anyway, everyone with any standing in the guild went off to their hidden island to decide who would be elevated to the purple or whatever they call it… and then they vanished… whole Island gone poof, taking with it the Guildmaster, all the S-Ranks, and all the potential S-Ranks too… although they seem to have taken the second of the big three dark Guilds, Grimoire Heart, with them into oblivion.

In one moment, Fairy Tail went from being one of the most powerful guilds around to… a collection of B-Rankers with no leadership and no heavy hitters to protect them from their enemies. And me? I hadn't followed the Fairy Tailers because I was involved in my own private war with Death's Head Caucus…. Hunting them before they could hunt me again.

So I show up outside FT's Guild hall after a fortnight's absence, expecting to maybe fight whoever's been promoted, or maybe finally to get Makarov to fight me… and instead of the normal bunch of rambunctiousness and idiocy… I find a bunch of worried people sitting around looking lost. And they see me as their salvation.

A group of them, Macao, Wakaba, and Reedus, three of the elder low rankers, were waiting for me when I arrived. They had a proposal. They needed an S-Ranker, someone they could trust, someone that had prestige and weight, to step in as interim Guild Leader. And I'd be perfect, according to them.

I pointed out that I belong to a rival guild, they shrugged and pointed out that Gajeel and Juvia had belonged to an actively hostile guild. I pointed out that my main means of interacting with members of Fairy Tail was fighting them… they returned the point that that was their main method of interacting with each other. I pointed out that I had several teams within Jumpstar that followed me… they weren't just willing to accept them, they felt they needed to… they had a lot of enemies and there is strength in unity.

I had to admit that Fairy Tail's hall was nicer than Jumpstars… and Magnolia was a bigger city than Onibus… and it would be cool to run my own guild… So I took them up on their offer. Me and my crews rolled to the FT, trading one magical tattoo for another, and I assumed wardenship of the nuthouse.

It took four years for the Magic Council to recognize that Fairy Tail, under my leadership, was becoming a threat to their hegemony. Makarov had been a compassionate but largely laissez faire leader… I was much more hands on, and I encouraged those I led to improve their skillsets… and I had a suite of capable tutors. We operated as teams, assigned missions based on profiles and talents, and expanded our brand recognition. Yes, I kept a tighter leash on the hotheads, but I made a real effort to encourage a 'Think before you Destroy' mentality while still encouraging a free and open collective. This was a Guild, and I wasn't so much the boss as the den mother…

Our major clash with the established powers of the Magic Council came in the sixth year of the Jump, when the Council sent its trained magical police, the Rune Knights, to arrest me for 'Usurping control of a Guild and transforming it into my private army.' We sent their attack dogs back to them gift wrapped and told them where to stick it. By that time I had enough allies to move against the Council and we took them captive and explained that they'd no longer be allowed to use their positions to enforce politically motivated rules they'd made up on the spot. The Council was abolished and a Guild Council established in its place, something each of the established guilds would have a voice in.

Two years into the Magical Presidency of Velma the First, the missing members of the guild returned, having apparently been flung forward in time and looking no older than they had when they'd vanished 7 years earlier… and I finally got my fight against Makarov. To say he was less than thrilled with what I'd done to his guild and the Magical Council was to put it mildly. I told him he could have Fairy Tail back if he could… teach me the errors of my ways.

Did you know the dude could grow to the size of a fucking skyscraper? Cause no one else I'd scanned did. Fuuuuuuck….Dude got big… and buff… and suuuuper angry. Told the others to stay out of it and whomped me. Seriously… ouch… I've spent centuries practicing and collecting powers, and I don't know how long Makarov's been at this, but he's had all that time to work on a very small set of abilities and to do hone them to a fine edge… and as it turned out… he had not one or two, but four aces in the hole!

As Legit Guild Master, he could call upon the three secret magics of Fairy Tail… I've mentioned them before in the build part of this log, but let me cover them again, in greater detail… from the perspective of someone who has actually faced someone using them. Fairy Sphere was an incredibly powerful defense spell, and one that was all but impossible to bypass. By the time I figured out how to get passed it, I'd faced multiple shots from the general attack spell called 'Fairy Glitter', which was like being nailed by a nuclear snowball. I'd also barely avoided getting tagged by 'Fairy Law', a spell that could wipe out everyone that the caster views as an enemy. But more worrying than all that, than the overwhelming attacks or the nearly impenetrable defense? Makarov could draw on 'Fairy Heart', the functionally infinite source of magical energy… something I, as a mere usurper, invited or not… could not. It was a practical and abject lesson in humility, getting my ass ever so completely pwned by a wizened old midget… of course, he was cheating and it wasn't exactly a duel to the death… but that's how Makarov regained leadership of his guild. Which was fair enough… I'd only taken the post as an interim measure.

The last two years were mostly dealing with an invasion from a nation across the sea called the Alvarez Empire, led by some evil demonomancer / necromancer named Zeref… Never got the whole story on him, but his followers were pretty completely batshit lunatics. They included the third and last of the big three Dark Guilds, Tartaros, most of whom turned out to be demons from the so called 'Books of Zeref'… oh, and Zeref turned out to be Natsu's brother… or rather, the brother of the original Natsu, who'd died and been resurrected as our Natsu… you know, typical Shonen nonsense.

Tartaros tried taking out the Guild Council, partly to disable Etherion and partly to seize control of the Council's other Mega Weapon, the continent wide magical draining weapon called Face… it's shaped like 3000 face statues… still a stupid name. Unfortunately for Tartaros, Magical President Velma called in reinforcements before she went down and the rest of my companions showed those demons exactly why you don't fucking mess with Fairy Tail. (Makarov had made us full guild members after his return… though he'd tried to bust me down to normal guild member until I'd given him 'The Look'… Oh, and he'd let Laxus back in. Kid had had a change of heart.)

All in all it was a most satisfactory jump. I was in it for the training, having no idea of the plotline, and although I managed to master Second Origin, I was never pushed close to the need to use 'Third Origin' (a way to tap into your future magic and use it all at once… thus stripping away your ability to use that magic ever again). I also never got anywhere near as good at Requip as Erza, but I could use it in a pinch without having to open a portal to my warehouse and Accio something. One step better than two…. Or three if I need to find/make a surface.

I also managed to learn Fairy Law… Kinda had to modify Etherion to fire it… much easier to fight an empire if all the top brass take targeted mega-damage from your godweapon just before the enemy shocktroops land. I may not like the Rune Knights, but if you've got a bunch of blue-robed magical stormtroopers, you might as well use them against your enemies. Did you know you can (with enough power and enough casters) cast Requip on an entire city? If everyone's wearing the same uniform, who do you attack? What happens if only one side can see the difference between the fake uniforms and the real ones. As Oppenheimer once said, "I drink to the confusion of our enemies."

Well, I certainly did that. All in all, I give Fairy Tail a solid 7 of out 10, not great, but would Jump Again. Natsu on the other hand… him I give a 3/10… fucking chowderhead. I admit, my last action in this world was to douse Gray, Gajeel, and Natsu with Jusenkyo Curse Water… just for lolz.

We ended things with a bash, as was tradition, but just as me and mine have our own customs for times such as this, so too does Fairy Tail. When a member of Fairy Tail leaves the guild, they have a ceremony, wherein (after one monster of a going away ceremony) the departee is read out. It's pretty passionate stuff.

There are three rules. The first two are standard security NDA stuff (don't give Fairy Tail's secrets out, don't use guild contacts for personal gain)… but the third… ah… that's pretty nice; "Though our paths may have diverged, you must continue to live out your life with all your might, never considering your own life to be insignificant, and never forgetting about the friends who loved you."… see? Nice? A little wordy, but it gets the point home. Reads a bit better in Japanese…

Anyway, arriving back at the Warehouse, I glanced over at the VMoD… and swore. "Three Blind Jumps in a Row? Is this the Century of Screwing with EssJay's Genre Savvy?."

Zane gave the machine a glance and grunted, "Supernatural? Bit vague ain't it? Something generic like Great Detective?"

I shook my head, trying to shake the cobwebs off the unpleasant memories of hundreds of annoying memes and really offensive youtube videos. "No… It's a show. TV show. Crappy monster of the week tv show. Kinda-like Charmed I think, except with gay vibe brothers. Dean and… fuck… Sam? Maybe? They drive around in a car and kill monsters or some shit. I've seen like… two minutes of one episode before realizing it was bollocks."

"So we're going in with no information besides what we can glean from the Screen Text?" Velma asked. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"Looks like," I agreed, gnawing on my lower lip. I had a bad feeling about this. "On the plus side, this is modern day Earth. We might be able to pick up more media that might be in a Jump."

"Assuming all copyrighted material in this world isn't totally different," Yoiko pointed out.

"Assuming that, yes," I growled. There were usually some differences in material in any fictional universe. Like… Remember Last Action Hero? How the Terminator had been played by Stallone instead of Ahnold? That kind of thing. Usually the touchstones were still there, but things could end up changed both in a big way and in small ones.

Ranma, for instance, is a character from Shonen Sunday, the flagship publication of the Shogakukan company. Shonen Sunday's major competitors are Shonen Jump from Shueisha and Weekly Shonen Magazine from Kodansha. Since Shogakukan and Shueisha are independent companies under the Hitotsubashi Group Keiretsu, it makes sense that both Shonen Jump and Shonen Sunday were available for sale in the Ranma Universe… simply with a different title in the place of Ranma… in this case, Rumiko Takahashi's Urusei Yatsura spin-off, Spacu Princesses, which starred Ran, Benten, and Oyuki having adventures. But as for the great rival publishing company, Kodansha? Not a trace. So that was the question; how closely would the world of Supernatural mirror Origin Earth? And how would I know the differences? Oh well, no way to know until we had boots on the ground.

Although I had no intention of doing my actual build already (I had a month to hash these things out), I motioned for Zane and Velma to join me while waving everyone else off to get some zzzs, then took a seat on the bar stool with the crushed black velvet upholstery that had been placed before the VMoD by whoever'd installed it. I certain wouldn't own something so… outre. On the screen was the typical Wheel of Location, with its eight slots.

"Why do they even bother?" Velma asked.

"I know," I agreed, shaking my head. There were the standard eight wedges, one of which was Free Choice (a common but not universal possible result), but aside from Purgatory, all the other choices were in the American Midwest or West Coast. "What the hell does it matter if we start in Oregon or Palo Alto as opposed to St. Louis or Sioux Falls? This isn't the 1820s. All of them are within a few hours of each other!" I huffed. And there was a location tax! (You know, a fee to pick one's starting location). Don't get me wrong, Purgatory didn't sound like a fun place to visit… what with being a perpetually gloomy and endless forest filled with the spirits of monsters and whatever the hell Leviathans were. Still, a one in eight chance of ending up there wasn't worth wasting fifty Choice on preventing. Honestly, starting location should have been free and Purgatory should have been worth points back.

I spun the wheel and ended up in Chicago. That, apparently, was the playground of 'The Five Monster Families'… whoever the hell they were. Clearly it was a play on 'The Five Families' of Mafia fame, but adding Monster totally broke up the flow. Five Families had resonance and gravitas. Five Monster Families sounded like the headliners of a destruction derby. The info-blurb talked about crooked cops and monster hunters and monsters preying on humans… but it was chicago… aside from the monsters being literal, nothing much would change.

Still, if the Location wheel was a waste of pixels (it really was… it even had the note 'Regardless of where you start, you can travel everywhere important in the world, or even leave America.'… seriously… everywhere important in this world was in America? For fuck's sake.) the next screen was Origins… and the choices there nearly made me eat my damned tongue. It was a litany of Monsters, Witches, Satanic Vessels, Angels, Demons, and GODS (oh, and Monster Hunters if one wanted to be plan human… but that sounded especially dull).

Now Potential Vessel for Lucifer was clearly insanity, while Demon and Monster were frankly terrifyingly bad choices… who deliberately signs up to be the bad guy? I mean, I've been a Super Villain, but I was pro-law and order and justice. I never signed on to the 'Eating People' or 'Corrupting Souls' camp… and who the hell sees 'You were designed by a demon to be the host-body for the most evil being in the Universe' and says 'Yes, this is the choice for me!'? Even Witches were demonically inclined, with capstones like 'Wicked Witch' and 'Servitude Spells'… which didn't speak well for their moral compass.

On the other hand, Angels and Gods weren't (necessarily) evil. In fact, they were almost too good to be true… Sorry, that was a terrible pun. Still, Angel had some intriguing powers, but to be at full power, an angel required a host vessel as well, though that relationship appeared to be more cooperative than with Demons. And that left God… or rather 'Pagan God'… wow… this show was really damned Christian… still… okay, yeah, it says that these gods have a taste for human flesh and most of them are evil… but the implication is that they don't need human flesh and that they don't have to be evil. So… there's that. Plus, there's no way could I pass up the chance to be a Pagan God… and for free? Sign me up!

I promptly proclaimed myself to be Skadi, the Norse Goddess of Winter (and Skiing… and Justice)…. Though I did consider making myself Sun Wukong since I have all these fabulous fire monkey powers…. But winter was my first love… aside from my dog. He was a big shaggy golden retriever… Best dog… that was before I discovered ferrets though. Anyway, Sun Wukong was out for several reasons. First off, dude is waaaay overdone. I get that he's a lot of fun and all that, but there are many other deities out there who don't get nearly enough press. Second, I didn't really want to be a male god. Third, I had already been a stone monkey (see Disney Princesses). I didn't really need to be a Buddhist one. And that was reason four… I wasn't Buddhist.

Granted, I'm only a bit germanic, but that was a lot closer, culture-wise, to Norse than I was to being chinese. Anyway, Skadi is (forgive the pun) cool. How cool? Well, Skadi was a Jotun, a Giantess (the same race as Odin's ultimate ancestor, Ymir… and Loki if you follow the Marvel Cinema Mythos), but not ugly or overly large for all that (nor blue-skinned).

She was the daughter of Thjazi, the greatest archer of the Norse Gods, and an accomplished shapeshifter. He usually took the form of a giant eagle and tricked Loki into bringing Idunn of the Golden Apples (The thing that keeps the Norse Gods Immortal) out of Asgard… then promptly kidnapped her. This, of course, pissed off the Aesir (the gods of Asgard), so they sent Loki to get her back. He did, turning her into a nut and flying off with her as a hawk. Thjazi didn't take this lying down, and flew after Loki in his eagle form. The Aesir, seeing Loki being chased, filled the air with flaming arrows which burned off Thjazi's feathers and he fell from the sky and was killed.

I know you're wondering what this has to do with Skadi, well, as one might expect, she was not pleased that the Aesir had killed her father… so she took up her war gear and went to Asgard to seek vengeance. That's right. A single Jotun woman set out to face all of Asgard… the same Asgard that had murdered her father. So bad ass was Skadi that the Aesir promptly offered compensation and to perform acts of atonement rather than fight her. You heard that right. The Aesir… the most violent of all gods, took one look at Skadi in her war gear and said "shiiiiit. We ain't fighting her." Thor, Odin, Baldr, Tyr… you know… warrior gods… were not down to fight her.

One of the acts of atonement was that they had to make her laugh… which they accomplished by tying a rope between Loki's testicles and a nanny goat… hilarity ensued for everyone but Loki. Another was placing her father's eyes in the heavens as stars. But the big one was that one of the gods would have to marry her. Odin agreed, but only on the condition that she select her husband by looking only at his feet.

She picked the one with the prettiest feet, thinking it was Baldr… but it was Njordr… you know, the one the direction 'North' is named for, and who the 'Norsemen' are named for. That Njordr. Who incidentally was a Vanir, not an Aesir… but whatever. They had two kids. You may know them. Freya and Freyr. The leaders of the Vanir. At least according to some sources. Norse mythology is a mess. Everyone agrees that Skadi and Njordr had two kids, but only some sources credit Skadi as the mother of Freyr, while others say that Freya and Freyr's mother was Njordr's sister. Some other sources say that Loki managed to reclaim Idunn with the help of Freya. This is what you get when most of your mythology is in the oral tradition… individual skalds messing around with the timeline. Kinda like modern comics, am I right? Anyway, for my purposes, and in my version of things, Skadi was the twin's mother. So there. That's settled.

Also, Njordr was a bit of a drama-queen. See, the 'happy' couple lived in Skadi's mountain palace, the fortress of Thrymheimr (which, despite the name, was not home of Thrym, king of the Jotun… he lived in Jotunheimr… hurray for Skalds, am I right?). How long did they live there? Nine days. That's how long it took Njordr to decide that he couldn't take it and he got Skadi to agree that they could summer in his home by the sea, Noatun. In his own words, "Hateful for me are the mountains, I wasn't long there, only nine nights. The howling of the wolves sounded ugly to me after the song of the swans." Granted, Skadi's reaction to living by the sea essentially boiled down to being annoyed that this one sea gull kept waking her up.

Anyway, she eventually left Njordr and married Odin. They had many sons, including several kings. Skadi is known as the 'Wise God-Bride' and 'she who could not love the Vanir' (you know, Njordr).

She also had a bit of a relationship (not sexual, despite his claims) with Loki. When he slandered her and the other goddesses, she is the one who placed the serpent above his head, its venom dripping eternally upon his face. Like I said, Skadi is one serious badass as far as goddesses go. Like Artemis without being a virgin, like Hera without being a bitch, and like Amaterasu without being a hikikomori. In fact, there was only going to be one minor problem with being Skadi… a couple thousand or so years of memories. Granted, they'd be memories from the Skadi that I'd have been had I been born Skadi instead of EssJay, but it was still going to be centuries of skiing, hunting, and being a warrior-woman so hard core she intimidated Odin. Still, I'd accepted a decade or so of new memories several times when I'd been in my first century. I was now over thirteen thousand years, having been jumping for just under 12,990 years. Two thousand years to me would be right about the same as a decade to a sixty-five year old.

But let's get back to becoming a God in general. First off, it definitely solved potential questions re: Gozer. The text of the Civilization Jump had been clear on the subject. No matter how close a God-King was to being an actual God, they weren't one… though that was nit-picking of the highest order. But this? This was unabiguous. This was godhood… Pagan perhaps, but quite frankly, screw the SupernaturalVerse's version of the Almighty. As Jew, I found what little I knew of Supernatural's lore to be an affront to the image of my people's deity… and to most people's world-views.

But one copes with what one's given. And in this case, being a God gave me me not one, but two free perks (one of which was really creepy)… and access to, get this… Immortality! IMMOR-FUCKING-TALITY! As in never experience mortal disease, never experiencing fatigue, never experiencing pain or aging… unless I chose to! Toggleable immunity to time itself. Unless I died in violence or an accident, I wasn't dying. Full Stop. Ever. Hell, if (when) I bought this, I could be any age I wanted, at any time… as the mood struck me. I could not spend the three-hundred Choice Points fast enough. I know! Only three-hundred? Outrageous! I fucking love discounts.

The Creepy Freebie was called 'Virgin Detector' (okay… no it wasn't. It was called 'Virgin Sacrifice'… fucking showrunners… most non-christian religions did not have human sacrifice… assholes.) Thankfully, the effects of the perk weren't actually about sacrifices. All it really did was provide a sixth sense was never wrong about whether an individual had ever had sex before… oh, and it meant that the purer the ingredients in my food, the more delicious it would be… which, you know… arsenic can be pretty damned pure… then again, I'm immune to poisons… I wonder how arsenic tastes… oh… and when you make most food, you mix ingredients… that tends to, you know, make them impure.

Stupidity. Veal tastes soo much less good than seasoned and aged beef. Mmmm… I need a burger. Bacon, egg, smoked sharp cheddar, a little cracked pepper, slice of onion, little cocktail sauce, maybe some bib lettuce. That's my idea of a proper sacrifice.

The other Freebie was called 'In My Name You Pray', and it was the ability to offer a blessing to a person or place so long as someone provides me with some kind of offering. Hell, the sacrifice wasn't even needed as long as some worship or honest reverence was included. Sure, it was mostly small coincidences and a touch of divine magic, but wealth, health, crop success, romance… so many things were possible with a tiny shift in the fortunes of those blessed by the divine. All good in the hood… or rural farming community. I wasn't picky.

Pagan Gods also gained discounts on such joyous things as 'Force of Nature' and 'Trickster', which of course I availed myself of. FoN granted me true mastery of the domain of Winter itself, allowing me to control natural sources of it, generate an endless stream of it, and even use it in ways that it wasn't normally capable of being used… wind as a binding force for instance, or Winter as a force of renewal… remember, just because the far north (or south) gets nothing but snow, doesn't mean that more temperate climes don't see Winter as the time of much needed rains… Israel certainly does.

As for Trickster, well, it was not only the ability to conjure stuff ex nihilo (something from nothing) but it would allow me to use sugar to recharge my divine power… instead of, you know… human sacrifices, blood, or even vanilla worship… None of that. All I needed to summon anything from a VCR to a minor monster with a personality of my own design (didn't allow me to grant big ugly a soul, alas) was a few gallons of kool-aid with smarties dissolved in it. I mean, seriously? Would you pass that up?

Both of them were available for the rock bottom cost of two-hundred each. A steal at twice the price… which I didn't have to pay because discounts. Still, I was now down seven-hundred and there was so much on sale… and I hadn't even gotten to Companions.

That meant it was time to go hunting for Drawbacks, unless I wanted to call it quits with what I had. Which I didn't. Like I said… companions. And speaking of them… there wasn't a standard 8 person group import option, but rather each of the origins had a free 'follower' companion import that didn't grant bugger all besides a place in the world, but could be taken as many times as I wanted to take it… and a three person import to round out a jumper's Monster Squad, Hunter Pack, Demon Rush, Angel Wing, Witch Coven, or whatever the fuck you call Sam & Dean… For Gods, it was, of course a Pantheon of three Gods… four if one counted the God-Jumper. Four Gods don't exactly make a pantheon however, and I didn't really want anyone of my companions running around copying my schtick… I'm crazy, but not crazy enough to turn my friends into gods and then ask them to behave themselves… I saw how well that had worked with them as the Magi Pantheon… the shenanigans they got up to before getting bored were the stuff of legends and that was without divine powers.

Still, while I was leery of making them divines, I would if that was the general consensus… but even though Pantheon was the cheap choice for me (one-hundred Choice) I was willing to pay two-hundred Choice to grant three of my people their choice of origin… if they could agree on anything. I offered the lead on this trio to Zane and he considered for a while, then picked Velma and Kendra as the other two members. Collectively, it took them less than two hours to settle on 'Roadhouse Connections', which made them Hunters.

"Really? Hunter? Why Hunter?" I asked, a little confused as to why anyone would rather be a vanilla mortal in this world of Angels & Demons (thank you Dan Brown).

Zane shrugged, then grinned, "Angels and Demons are the badguys right? Plus they have to possess mortal bodies and that seems rude. Monsters are worse. And I ain't no witch. I'm a wizard." I smacked my head with my palm, but didn't bother correcting him about the gender neutral nature of the word, J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter notwithstanding. "Pluswhich, Kendra thinks it would be a kick to be a Slayer again. Velma… well, the Scooby-Gang… wow… Kendra and Velma… both Scoobies in their own way…"

I glowered at him as he grinned like a duffus. "Yes. Thank you. I made that connection about an epoch ago… or, you know, once the Scooby-Doo Jump showed up. Anything else?" "Well, you're becoming Skadi, right?" Velma asked. I nodded, wondering what her point was. "Roadhouse Connections gives you actual connections in the Hunter Community. As Skadi, you might even be a bit of a Patron Goddess to the Hunters, especially since I doubt you're going to actually go around eating people?"

I frowned, then shook my head. "No. People are gross. Present company excluded." I considered, then shrugged myself. "Sure, why not. I can spend two-hundred on a Hunter Road Trip!" Kendra and Velma high fived… nerds.

For my points, the trio got the perks 'Hunting Things' (A basic knowledge of how to ID monster activity, how to find the monsters that are active, and how to stop them from being active ever again… up to and including monster trapping for fun and profit) and 'Clap Your Hands if You Believe' (which made it much easier for them to convince normal people that monsters were real… or at least real enough to run the fuck away from while listening to the Hunter and not just panicking or freezing in terror). They also got the item 'Family Business'… which was not only a stack of badges and business cards and fake IDs for all manner of useful covers… FBI, CDC, Federal Marshals, Local PD or Health Department… but also an idjit at a call center ready to verify that Agents Popkin, Tart, and Crepe were indeed on a case and should be given all the support ever. Not impressive, but potentially useful. They also each got a stipend of two-hundred to spend on Hunter Gear and six-hundred to spend on Perks and Items, with applicable discounts of course.

Most of the Gear was pretty meh, to be honest, but potential is found in the strangest of places and there wasn't any point in not spending it. Kendra got a set of holy beads that could turn any standing water into holy water, a shotgun that always started a fight with eight normal rounds and two rock salt rounds, an easily concealed silver machete, and a shovel that made digging graves (or digging up graves) take minutes instead of hours and was traceless as long as it was clean. Velma, always the geek, got the EMF meter that detected ghosts… and whatever was tethering them to the mortal plane (this one was better than could be found in setting in two ways… it couldn't be thrown off man-made interference… and it could be loaded onto a PDA or Phone as an app), the Laptop that never lost data and never got damaged by viruses or malware no matter how much porn one looked at, the Hunter's Journal which was a family scrapbook of monster trivia, and a limitless supply of salt… yes really. Why salt? Apparently it's good for warding away spirits and demons, for some reason.

Also on the subject of yes really… Zane used his entire stipend buying a classic muscle car… that didn't need gas. He applied it as an import to VIncent the Assault Shuttle… so now we have a black and silver 1957 Chevy Bel Air convertible that can talk to us… it's like Knight Rider 1960. Car is a fucking land barge… with an arsenal and demon trap in the trunk. At least with VIncent inside we didn't have to listen to the radio… there weren't even 8-Track Tapes in 1957. Thankfully, there was power steering. No FM radio, but the Bel Air was one of the first cars with surround sound as an option.

"Why?" I asked, staring at the car sitting in the middle of the parking area. Yes, item purchases can be generated pre-insertion so we can check them out, change customization details… make certain we can reach the gas pedals. It's like one of those selection screens on a video game where you can rotate the gun, car, or what-have-you, and maybe turn it purple or fuschia, or give it spiked rims or flame decals… only far more visceral. Like… new car smell.

"Can't have a Road Trip without a Car!" Zane said, lovingly running his hand over the hood.

"We could buy a Car," I pointed out, motioning my hand to the garage area that was absolutely crammed with classic cars and a fleet of more normal motor vehicles from a dozen different worlds. I mean, seriously, I had a Cabin Cruiser and an ATV from Pokemon Trainer, a Mako from Mass Effect, an Aventador and an RV from Infamous, a Land Rover from Harry Potter, a Dwemer-made Steam Carriage from Tamriel, a Star Fleet Power Hauler from Star Trek, a Nissan 240SX (Silvia S15) from Ranma, and an Aristocat Limo from Swat Kats… and that's just from the first ten jumps. I didn't have a motor vehicle from Bastion because they weren't particularly common and most of the time was spent in the wilderness.

From then on, I usually had a steadily expanding collection of cars from the later jumps, largely because more companions meant more personal vehicles, and longer views of things meant we tended to go after things we found attractive or useful. From just jumps eleven through fifteen (Great Detective, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Buffy, and the Metal Gears) the number of cars and car-like objects went from under two dozen to over three hundred. What's spectacularly impressive about that is that none of these things were fiatbacked. None of them had been paid for with Choice Points… at least not initially. A small number had been imported one way or another, but for the most part, they'd just been cared for by some member of the crew until it was time to trade up or move on.

Zane, the biggest but by no means only motorhead in our cadred, grinned like a goofball, throwing his hands wide as he cried, "I DID!"

"I meant with cash," I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "Not Choice."

"It was either The Prince," he said, patting the car to indicate that he'd named it, "or a handgun, a crowbar, and a set of handcuffs… I could buy all those too."

I paused, then nodded. "A fair point. What else did you buy with your main CP?"

Zane grinned at me, and I knew he'd bought something that would annoy me. "I bought a restaurant!"

"A… restaurant? Like… a good one?" I asked, trying to remember the item list that I'd scanned. all I remembered was a bar… or was it a bar and grill? I hadn't looked at it much… it was four-hundred choice if the purchaser wasn't a Hunter. I typically don't waste points like that, and so don't bother with temptation. Items are the least of my concern most of the time.

"Yeah!" Zane enthused. "It's called a Biggerson's location. They apparently the 27th largest restaurant franchise in the United States of Monstertopia! And we get to eat there free!"

I reached up and put a finger on his nose to try and calm him down. He went crosseyed trying to see my fingertip as I commented, "We are on a road trip… and you spent two-hundred Choice so we get to eat free at a single location of a national franchise? If it's a Bar and Grill that means its something on the scale of an Outback Steakhouse or an Applebees… So, like… between fifteen-hundred and two-thousand locations. What do they serve, anyway? Biggerson's? What kind of name is Biggerson's?"

"An awesome one!" he protested, pouting a bit… but he's kinda irrepressible and sprang back almost at once. "And no, it's not eat free at one location. Since we own one of their franchises, we get to eat free at any Biggerson's! Guaranteed one in every major city! And that's the best part! It's an all you can eat place! Beer, Burgers, Chicken Wings, PEPPERJACK TURDUCKEN SLAMMER! Not exactly healthy, but entirely delicious! It's guaranteed! And… and it follows us… well, not Biggerson's… but we get another franchise type thing from now on… and the place always attracts hunters or similar and is a great place to pick up leads!"

"This food is got to be terrible for you," I grimaced. Still, it might be handy to have an innocuous meet up spot.

"I'm Zane! I fear not the foods!" He crowed happily, thumping his chest.

I opened my mouth, caught sight of Kendra frowning at her boyfriend, and had to stifle a giggle. Finally, I managed to get out. "Thaat's great, really. I'm happy for you… anything else?"

"Oh, sure," he agreed, then began ticking them off on his fingers. "A tracking perk from the Angelic line called 'Localization' which can pinpoint anyone I'm seeking as long as they're not warded against it specifically or using a supernatural method of hiding. An 'Exorcism' perk that allows me to Latinate any demons back to hell… even if they interrupt me while I'm getting my chant on. It even allows other people to finish chants I started as long as they know Latin too. That's good if I get KO'd… not that I get KO'd much." He flexed to show (I guess) how strong he is, though I think he was bragging about how tough he was, which isn't really something you can flex. "And this thing called 'Hunter x Hustler' that makes me a great small-time hood and gambler! It'll be loads of fun… people will probably try and shoot me!"

"Try to shoot you. Not try and… why am I bothering to try to correct you. Fine. Butcher english and get your crime on. See if I care." I felt a stress headache coming, as I so often did with Zane. I waved him off and turned towards the others. "Velma? You find anything you wanted?" I asked, trying to ignore Zane's annoying grin of superiority and smugness. Brat.

"I didn't buy any items," the girl detective said, tugging her sweater down. "I just bought perks I thought would be useful." She seemed nervous to admit it, for some reason.

"That's entirely acceptable… encouraged really," I reassured her, patting her hand and not in any way fixating on how form fitting her sweater was.

"OH!" she said, looking relieved. "I wasn't certain. When we did RWBY, it was important to think of the team, and Touhou and Fairy Tail were…" she trailed off, lacking the vocabulary to describe the previous two jumps.

"Power fests?" Kendra suggested.

Velma considered, then nodded, "That's an apt description, thank you," she said, then turned back to me. "Anyway, I bought 'Bullshit Ballistics' because I suspect that becoming a really good marksman will come in handy in a world full of human eating monsters. It also allows one to make speciality ammo that's designed to hurt specific enemies without worrying about the modifications fu… messing up the ballistic profile. And I bought 'Saving People', which doesn't help me do it, but anyone I help save will get over the trauma super easily… which seems nice… Those I kinda bought for the team… or the victims… but I did pick up stuff that's just for me." She blushed as noticed how raptly I was watching her as she speak. "Umm… I… you don't have to stare."

"But I like too," I assured her. "You're very pretty. But do go on, please," I said, leaning back and taking a sip of my Fuzzy Navel.

She gulped, then nodded jerkily. "I thought… that is I figured that 'Monstrous Durability' would be handy… I mean, I don't like being hurt… but it should keep me from getting injured most of the time… and 'Clairsentience' should be useful in detecting supernatural energies and objects… it also contains elements of psychometry… you know, object reading and stuff like that? Might be useful to know whether or not an item is cursed right?" She was fidgeting more now, feeling a little on the spot, more so, I think, than she'd been in the last two Jumps where everyone had been importing.

"Might be… but you've got to touch it to find that out. Might be enough to trigger it. Be careful with that power… but yeah, information is good. Good picks," I said, hopping up from the bar-stool, then walking over and patting Velma's shoulder. "Don't worry. Just because the others aren't importing, it doesn't put the onus of supporting me just on you three. Normally, there's a limit on how many companions I can have at full power in a jump, but it's never been lower than eight… at least not in any jump where I've actually had eight companions. Importing just makes you fit in more; you don't have to import to be active in the world of a Jump."

Velma relaxed at that, blushing a bit more, then she released the bottom of her sweater and stole my drink, finishing it off with a hard swallow.

I chuckled, then, leaning against the redhead, I regarded the last of our current quartet. "Kendra?"

"I didn't waste my time with perks," she said with a shrug, her accent thicker than it usually is. She tends to revert to using it when she's being aggressive or defensive.

I chuckled at that, ignoring the challenge implied by the set of her jaw. "What? You didn't want the perk that actually relates to Hunting? Figuring that being Bonny Big-Bad Slaya makes you qualified to slay monsters?" I drawled.

She glared at me, then responded, "I should stab you for that. Anyway, I'm not sure we're going to be doing much Monster slaying, per se."

"As opposed to?" I asked.

"Demon slaying?" Kendra supplied.

"Skiing for 10 years?" Velma added.

"Bringing about apocalypse early?" Zane thirded.

I chuckled. "Wow… that wouldn't be very nice of us."

"We've saved the world plenty of times. We could totally play the badguys and let it all burn-" Zane said, grinning goofily.

"Freeze," I corrected.

"Freeze, sorry," he allowed, nodding a bit as if I was approving his plan.

I patted his shoulder. "You are mental."

"You love me for it," he said, scooping me up and giving me an annoying hug, rubbing his face against mine in a very canine way.

After I made him put me down, I turned to Kendra. "So? What did you get? A day spa?" I was joking.

"Actually, one of those is for sale in the Monster section. But no. I picked up thirteen bullets and The Colt."

"The… Colt? Singular?" I asked. See, this is why I don't typically bother to read stuff I have no intention of buying. It makes me come off as less of a know it all… also, I really didn't care about this setting, and figured that, seeing as how it was almost certain to piss me off all the damned time, I might as well pace my outrage.

"Apparently, yes," she said, holding the item in question up. "It is said this gun can kill anything… I believe they mean that bullets fired from it and not the gun itself. there are a limited number of these bullets… thirteen to be specific… but the combo comes with the instructions on how to make more of the bullets, which can kill anything that isn't exceptionally powerful or doesn't predate creation."

"Huh… so… like, anything older than 4000 BC, Death, Lucifer, God, whatever… Interesting. Could come in handy I guess," I commented, then hrmmed. "Don't point it at me please." She moved it away from me. "I take it that cost all your points?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, yes," she confirmed as I turned back to the document, flipping through the equipment section to look at the spa. There it was… Canyon Valley Wellness Spa, four-hundred Choice for non-Monsters. Other properties for sale included a personal Purgatory (also for Monsters) that could host up to thirty-million souls (plus inactive companions if they wanted to hang out in an afterlife that the text called 'a slightly worse neighbourhood than Hell'). Speaking of Hell, a personal 'new and improved' Hell, was available for Demons… or at least rulership of part of the local realm of torment in this and future jumps. I shuddered to consider the kind of Jumper who would actually buy that one. The Lucifer-Host-Wannabes even had access to an abandoned ghost town… why? No clue. And even less clue as to why anyone would want a rundown town in the middle of nowhere… especially since it remained uninhabited and abandoned in all future incarnations of itself.

At least the Godly location made some kind of sense. Sure, a twenty-four pie buffet was weird, but that was merely part of the luxurious accommodations at 'The Elysian Field', a swanky five-star hotel that was fully staffed and designed to cater to the demands of actual Gods… though it too was in the middle nowhere. The pies, on the other hand, were guaranteed to taste better than the ones made in Heaven's kitchens… so that was a gimmee if I ever saw one. "Mmmm… Pie," I commented, licking my lips. Across the room, Velma eeped and fell off her stool, blushing almost as bright as her hair.

Also on the God-list was 'Mjolnir' for the piddling price of a hundred Choice. You know, the weapon of the Norse Thunder God, Thor? That Mjolnir. I laughed at that… Hell, I could use an artifactual lightning weapon. Apparently, if I paid for it, I'd have picked it up at auction… and unlike the Marvel version, it had no particular loyalty. It was also powerful enough that a human could use it to fell a pagan god in a single blow. I could even use the purchase to import Soul of Ice, giving it that same ability to do lasting damage to deities. It was a great deal for the price.. but buying it would spend me out completely. I had to get flushbooks before I spent more.

Three of four the lowest level Drawbacks were flavor and little more. Certainly, there was no major danger factor inherent in 'Room For Two?' would make everyone assume Zane and I were lovers and we'd be forced to deny it and plagued by the creep factor of it all. That was so doable that I had to have it, especially since that got me back into the black. I now had enough to afford either the hotel or the holy weapon.

'Busty Asian Beauties', which was also the name of one of the God-line's two freebies would make me a perv obsessed with voluptuous oriental women, but that wasn't much of a change, so I had little trouble taking it, which got me enough to get Mojo and the Hotel with the pie… I needed the sugar… and, well, pie! Pie better than HEAVEN could make! That's like so much pie it's practically tau… wow… lame math joke. Bad me.

I could also have taken 'Whiny', a drawback that would make me… well… Rarity (of MLP:FIM fame)… and 'Inconceivable Eldritch Horror', the only one with any real bite from the bottom four, would strip me of my shapeshifting and all powers like Conduit that relied on unusual biology… but all those would get me was some more god companions. If I wanted anything worth buying, I'd need something with more oomph, or to take both, and that was a little more annoyance than I was willing to put up with if I didn't have to.

The two-hundred pointer Drawbacks were no fun; a drama spike, a 'Watch What You Eat' spike, an addiction to demon blood, and — worst of all — a gradual power loss that would eventually turn me into an ordinary human. No thanks. In fact, fuck no. Some of the three-hundred pointers weren't that bad.

Sure, the 'Jumper Tablet', which told everyone how to kill or imprison me and which would instantly humanize me or any of my companions that touched it, was an absolute no go. Three-hundred Choice for a chain-ender that likely to end my chain? Fuck that noise. The other three, however, were varying degrees of 'Sure, why not?'.

They all did the same thing, essentially… made me an enemy of Heaven, Humanity, or Hell, respectively. I considered just settling with what I already had. I certainly didn't need anything more… but a bit of soul searching told me I was going to get on Hell's bad side regardless, considering that demons are assholes. Now, knowing what little I did of this show, I suspected that I'd find the local angels just as annoying, but there was a chance that they were merely moralizing pricks, rather than murderous holy crusaders, so I figured that being one of Heaven's Most Wanted if I didn't have to would be taking things too far, but I might as well make an enemy of Hell and get points for it. Flying under the radar when the fate of the world is on the line isn't my gig. As for humanity? Being hunted by humanity would be just unfun.

Also… The FBI and the Winchester Brothers (the MC's of the show) were deemed as a threat on par with Heaven and Hell. That kind of told me everything I really needed to know about the competence of everyone involved.

The drawbacks had given me three-hundred extra Choice to spend, but one of the lines from 'Enemy of Hell' bugged me… Demons could possess my Allies. I could purify them, of course, but not before they caused… mischief, drama, and all around unpleasantness. Thankfully, there was an Item that blocked demonic possession… 'Matching Tattoos' which was a guaranteed method to ward off demonic possession! One that couldn't be burned out of me. One that was damned hard to burn off or remove from my allies. One I could apply it to anyone I wanted… And there was a matching one called 'Angel Proofing' that made one invisible to the divine powers of even archangels! Interesting stuff…

I wasn't absolutely certain it would block possession in this setting if I took the drawback. The drawback didn't say anything about nullifying defenses, so I doubted it, but even if it did it would be good going forward… especially since I could slap one of these things on any ally, not just a companion. Unfortunately, the pair cost four-hundred, not the three I had. After a bit of soul searching, I decided that I could cope with being a Whiny brat for a decade if it helped in the future.

That left only the two 'divine' freebie items. As I mentioned before, one was 'Busty Asian Beauties', which was a lifetime subscription to a triple-X multimedia brand that catered to any one demographic or fetish. Magazines, films, even a website (if the setting I was in had an internet). It would all be there. A complete run of the magazines too, just for the completionist collectors out there. I took it, of course… though I'm not telling you what demographic or fetish. That's for me to know and you not to. The other one was a creepy-ass 'Scarecrow' that would keep pests, blights, and inclimate weather from damaging any field it was left out in. I guess that's kind of nice, though I would never have paid actual CP for something like that. Maybe if I ever end up in a farming Jump it will come in handy?

I was all set for Insertion… all that was left was Ahab and Joy. I couldn't stop them from importing, even if I wanted to, without another deal with the guy upstairs, but I could hint strongly that this might not be the best jump to come into. My hints didn't work, of course. Action Junkies, the pair of them.

They came in as a Monster (Ahab, a Shapeshifter who could take on any human's appearance, down to DNA, fingerprints… wounds)… and an Angel (Joy). Seriously? These two. Good lord. At least Ahab got his hands on free monster chow and all the borax we could use (apparently good against Leviathans?) out of the deal… along with spooky eyes and the inability to be sent to heaven or hell. Joy got Angelic Radio, Holy Oil, and Angelic Grace… and the ability to possess people. So yay?

But sheesh… this world was fucked up and they were going in hardcore. Why? Because they're insane. Clearly. Then again… how long would it take me to make sense of this place myself? I guess I'd find out. I pressed the button.

INSERTION

Four years! Four Fucking years. That's how long it took me to make any god-damned logical sense of the pantheonic clusterfuck that the mythology of this world is. Seriously, God apparently caged his sister 'The Darkness' to create the world, then sealed her away inside the mark of Cain… which he gave to Lucifer, his most trusted angel… who got corrupted by it… only now God was missing, Lucifer & Michael were plotting to bring about the motherfucking Apocalypse because why the hell not, and half the remaining Pagan Gods (And boy howdy were we fucking easy to kill in this universe. I was wearing my armor all the time here and pulling like zero punches any time anything supernatural looks at me cross-eyed.) were plotting against Lucifer… though some of those dipshits were planning on betraying each other to settle old grudges or because they thought those two angelic fucks won't betray them in turn. Morons.

Seriously… I hated this place. Everything was varying shades of awful, horrible, terrible, or creeptastic… and almost invariably for the lamest, most inscrutable dramatic reasons. Hell had a goddamned revolving door. Lucifer was aiming to break free any damned day, and with God AWOL, the Heavens were apparently being run by these Archangelic turdfaced yahoos who were the kind of holier than thou idiots who don't realize they're the badguys until you ram a sword through their egos… oh, and in four years I hadn't seen hide nor hair of the actual existence of Mohammed or Jesus or Moses, so the show wasn't just a dick to Hindus, Buddhists, Shintoists, and Pagans. It was kinda a dick to the mythology it claimed to be backing too.

Which goes a long way to explain why I was in New York City watching the ball get ready to drop, on New Year's Eve 2009, with Vivian primed to hijack every TV and Net Feed across the damned planet. I'd decided to play this all on one roll of the damned dice, one massive fuck you that should not ever work, but since the Supernatural in this world is objective fact, I could do this shit. I had the power.

See, way back in Civ, I bought this perk that allowed me to say things as they were, to speak truth and remove everyone's blinders. So that's what I I was going to do. Fuck secrecy. Fuck a war as old as time. Fuck keeping people in the dark. Fuck superstition and blind faith and a world where humanity was little more than cattle.

As the ball dropped, I stepped up onto the podium, booting some idiot celebrity off with a kick, and turned to face the crowd. I dialed up the glamor to fifteen, as I spoke, "Hello! People of Earth. My Name is Skadi. I am the Goddess of Winter. That's a fact. Watch as I freeze these nice policemen into statues. Don't worry, they're not dead. Watch as I make it snow… and make it stop. See? Goddess. All those other gods? Real. All of them. Had lunch with Kali about six months ago."

"Now, before you scream 'Hurray!' or pledging yourself to Odin or Zeus or Amaterasu, I should tell you that this also applies to the Abrahamic god as well… and none of them are worthy of your praise. They're all jerks, all horrible horrible beings who only about what they can get from you. And there a monsters out there in the dark. Horrors right out of myth and legend that eat your kind whenever they can get away with it… which is all too often, since many of your leaders are under their sway, usually for the promise of power or immortality So not are you all screwed six ways to sunday, but there's very little good news."

"In fact, things are about as bad as it gets. The Archangel Michael and Lucifer are planning on bringing about the end of the world just to prove, once and for all, which of them loves Big G God more. They don't even vaguely care about you mortals. Not even a little, except as tools or toys or vessels. Yes. Angels possess mortals just like Demons. Yay! You're meat suits, don't you feel good?"

"And to us Gods, you're a source of power. We barely care about you either, except when we're eating you or raping you or just making fun of you. See this? Watch as I create Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber and make them punch each other. I told you, I'm a goddess. But don't worry… There is one spark of good news… if you want to look at it that way."

I paused, grinning a grin that said 'I hate you all, each and every one of you', before continuing, giving the folks at home time to get their brains back in the game, so to speak. "See, here's the thing. It's all a power game. It's all about faith. And I'm speaking the absolute truth to you right now… all of you who are listening to my words know I am… It doesn't even matter if you speak English, because all I have to do is speak the truth and you'll know it even if you can't understand me. So here's the truth. If you give me all your faith, all the faith you've ever wasted on these misanthropic, power mad fucknuggets, all the worship they've lied over and over and over again to get you to give to them… I'll do my damnedest to stop them… oh, and I'll even try and fix global warming for you? How's that sound? And if you want to sacrifice anyone to me… I like Priests. Especially the ones who preach hate and fear and tell you that if you give them money or murder someone for them they'll make sure you get into Heaven. I also really like Rapists, Corrupt Politicians, and Oppressive Dictators. So, go kill them too… but no killing innocents or virgins. That I don't like. Waaay too bland. And no killing that one neighbor you can't stand. This isn't carte blanche to be a jerk."

No Gods or Kings? Ha! In this world there were gods… and human biases had obscured the truth for so long… but Truth… ah… Truth… Truth shall set us free… and… I hope I never, ever, get to feel a rush like that again. I didn't know how long it would last, but for the next little while, I had the faith of billions of very very betrayed people all lusting for revenge against the powers that were.

Demons popped up like jack in the boxes, Angels swooped from the sky, Monsters boiled out of every dark space… and I showed them the power of a really pissed off humanity, acting as a conduit, paying back ages of abuse and neglect and sacrifice…

I erased them all. My power sunk deep into the fabric of that world and I scrubbed them away in one mounting wave of anger.

As the field of battle cleared, I went deeper, tapping into the supernatural supports of the world, reaching out, and down to the souls in Hell, the souls of Purgatory, all the collective rage of the human race betrayed and asked them if they'd surrender their existences to get revenge against an uncaring and brutal God… and they would. Gladly, gleefully, with malice aforethought, they surrendered themselves to me, allowing me to free them of their endless torment, which I did in exchange for power.

Such insanely massive power… no one should have it… no one at all… So I gave it to God… Finding him was childsplay with that much power. I gave it all to him, and with it a sense of just how monumentally he'd abused his power, his post, his sacred trust. I don't know if it killed him or if he realized just how awful he actually was, but in a moment, he was gone. He and his idiot bitch sister Amara and all the rest of them… gone… poof. As if they'd been a bunch of fairy tales all along.

And then I fixed Global Warming… and, with the power of Hakutaku's Gift, I erased everyone's memory of what had just happened. That's the great thing about that power… and the terrible thing too. I can change the past, but changing it won't make anyone who wasn't dead dead… and it won't bring anyone who was killed back… and now there were no monsters… no demons… no angels… there were no gods but me… and no one knew I existed. Except my friends.

"Did you just… change the Paradigm of this world?" Velma asked.

"Ayup," I said, feeling drained. "It sucked… I want icecream."

To be honest, I really didn't feel like a party at the end of the Ex-Supernatural Jump. If anything, I felt like taking a very long nap. In fact, after a fairly somber going away fete, at which I mostly sat in a corner nursing a mug of mead, and at which there were fewer locals than I could recall outside of any jump save Bastion… I took to my bed and slept for about three days. After that, I moved to my lounge with a vat of chocolate chip fudge ripple ice-cream, a blanket, a Ziggy, and a stack of movies I hadn't watched in a while. Most of my companions seemed to understand that I needed a little time alone.

Most. On the seventh day, Kendra burst into my solitude and, letting the pseudo-sunlight into my cave, announced, "SJ… your crankiness has been rewarded."

"Oh yeah?" I grumped, "How so? Have I been given the Jump-Chain Crankitude Magna Award for Pathetic Self Loathing?"

"No. You got beaten out by Spike," she snarked, then sat on the coffee table and regarded me. I glowered back. She stole Ziggy and gave him tummy rubs as she said, "The next jump is Railgun."

I blinked, resolutely not reaching for the fuzzbutt who was enjoying himself far too much, trying to gnaw her fingers. "Railgun…? As in pervy teleporter and frog obsessed electromaster?" I hazarded, not quite certain how I felt about that.

She mmmed, then nodded. "That would be the one, yes."

"Excellent," I said, trying to be enthusiastic. Raildex, as the setting was often called, is a mixed bag of slice of life and existential horror, of light cute comedic moments… and the merciless slaughter of ten thousand little girls for a single science experiment. I raised my fist, but only as far as the level of my ear and drawled, "Woooo… Madscience ho!" in a deadpan tone of voice.

Kendra shook her head. "No mad scientist option." Clearly the machine had allowed my companions to look through the options when I hadn't bothered with the thing after several days.

"Awww… that's no fun," I sighed, though I doubt I'd have taken it. The science of 'A Certain Scientific Railgun' (the flipside to 'A Certain Magical Index') was not only bonkers but unethical and extremely well funded. Of course, that was largely because the magical side (largely represented by the Roman Catholic Church) were fanatical sociopaths bent on subjugation of all humanity and annihilation of the heresy of scientific thought. Underlying the harem comedy of Index and the slice of life comedy of Railgun was a war of existential values in conflict. Mages versus Espers. Religion vs Science. Obedience vs Independence. Lack of Morals vs Lack of Ethics.

"Totally no fun," Kendra agreed. "Background options are Drop-In, Student, Magical Spy, Experiment… all of them Espers… and you can't use manna with Esper abilities in this world."

"Huh?" I asked. I didn't remember anything like that coming up in the anime… but I hadn't really read the Manga. "Why not?"

She shrugged. "Causes a near fatal amount of pain, apparently."

I straightened up, using my Vulcan Emotional Control to push away the worst of my funk. If I couldn't be engaged, I could at least fake it. "Well… fuck," I groused, then stood up, blanket still wrapped around my shoulders, "Have to see what's limited and what isn't. That better wear off after this jump ends; I have too much magic and psy already to deal with such a stupid limitation."

I strode over to the machine, a half-eaten five gallon tub of ice-cream floating along behind me. Mmmm… hurray for all but limitless ability to pack away calories without suffering negatives. Taking a seat, I examined the four options and their discount options. Everyone started with an ID Card, a school to attend, an allowance, and an apartment to live in in the sprawling metropolis that was Academy City, Japan, location unspecified.

Academy City was the most technologically advanced city on the planet, but not particularly futuristic… mostly a modern (and very clean) Japanese city with robotic street cleaners and police bots, plus a great many wind-turbines. It even had the normal collection of weird vending machines. It also had the highest per capita number of schools, students, and researchers. The entire city existed specifically and solely for the sake of education and study, and far more children and teens than usual lived largely unsupervised lives. And that included me, since the age range was ten to eighteen unless I wanted to actually pay to be older.

The notes on some of the Backgrounds made me laugh a little, which was good. I hadn't laughed in too long… I wonder if that was because, as a God in the last jump, I'd deliberately cut myself off from worship. Anyway. Drop-In said 'No Records, Blank Slate, No Pesky Memories.' as if that was the upside to that background… then, in the next line, as if they were the downsides, 'No Records, Blank Slate, No Useful Memories.' Student was similar, with 'Stable Life, Great Education, Easy Mode.' and 'Stable Life, Boring Education, Back to School.'

But if that was amusing, the notes on Spy and Experient weren't nearly as humorous. Spy pointed out that, you know, you were a spy and that not only would the magic that you got access to by being a Spy hurt you, but if you got caught it wouldn't go well for you. Experiment pointed out that, as an orphan turned into a scientific study, you weren't so much a person as an object of curiosity at best, a pet at worst to the city administration… one that would be kept on a tight leash. For the privilege of being either, I'd get to pay a hundred CP. Hell, being a Student would cost me fifty!

None of the Backgrounds called out to me particularly. Maybe that was my funk, maybe it was because they were all fundamentally unimpressive, but whatever it was, I didn't have a strong reason to take any of them, which meant that it would come down to what perks were on offer… something I really didn't like using as my metric. It came too damned close to powergaming. One should never structure one's existence on maximal returns. Far better to do so based on what will make one happy. I suppose power makes some people happy, but it's a hollow thing to me, interesting only in so far as it is useful to help others or amuse me.

Since every background entitled me to a single free Esper Ability (randomly selected from a list of eight-ish), that would sway me. The equipment section was full of exceptionally boring stuff like weapons, experimental tech, or a single magical text. Certainly nothing worth making a decision on. Which left the dozen perks on offer… very few of which seemed like they would be useful outside of this Jump.

Since the major cost would be in the capstones, that's where I focused. I had very little interest in the Drop-In's 'Premonition Precog', which was plot armor for fights. While, sure, being able to read an opponent's involuntary actions and respond accordingly would be useful, the fact that the reading and judging would all happen on the unconscious / subconscious level made it less useful. Better for reaction times, certainly, but relying on something you can't train to be better, something that happens beneath the level of thought is always risky. relying on it for your defenses is even more risky, because you won't get any flags when you're getting nothing… or (worse) getting misinformation.

If PremPre was contraindicated, Spy's 'Magician' was just suicidal. Knowledge of magic, ability to cast magic, good at teaching others magic, accomplished in one school of magic… to the point of being among the best at it and proficient at the others… all that was fine, if a bit vague, since magic was not well defined in the Raildex setting. The 'gack' moment came from the negative side effects. As an Esper, each time I used magic it would be life-threatening unless I used some hinted at obscure and sinister method to blend the two safely. No thanks. I like magic well enough, but nearly killing myself just to get magic and psi-powers out of a single jump would be foolish, especially since most of the magic in this setting was slow and ritual.

So that pretty much eliminated Drop-In and Spy… but I'd had a feeling it would. As for the other two, Experiment didn't sound like a lot of fun… but Experiment's capstone 'Malleable Reality' was straight up a freaking reality manipulation power! Seriously. Not only did it include an imagination booster (like to the point where I'd need to worry about being considered 'eccentric') it would allow me to easily manipulate my 'Personal Reality' which, in Railgun is not the expansion to the Warehouse, but is a term for what an individual believes to be real. Since Esper Powers worked literally however the individual Esper thought they worked (Yes, mind over physics! Woo!) this was important. Not only would Malleable Reality allow my powers (note that it didn't say my Esper Powers) to grow twenty-five percent faster… they would no longer have to make logical sense. Literally, the more insane I became, the stronger my Esper Powers would grow… it could even allow me to use local magic and Esper Powers together by fucking with what, exactly, was taking the damage. Like, a stuffed parrot… or my enemy, or the air around me. Imagination was the key. Screw scientific accuracy. So that went a long way towards making Experiment a lot more attractive, in a batshit bonkers way.

But as tempting as being a crazy ass psyker might be, Student's Capstone, 'Hard Science' was more traditionally attractive. It was the mundane version of Spy's Magician. It came with a knowledge of Academy City's science and technology to rival a scientist with a doctorate and several years of experience under her belt, a solid intelligence / critical thinking / emotional control boost, and a doctorate's worth of regular (real world) scientific knowledge in the discipline of my choice. Still, that wasn't worth six medium (Large is a thousand, so medium would be a hundred, right?). What gave 'Hard Science' its value was the fact that, in addition to making me a dab hand at crafting powered armor and recoiless rifles, it would give me intimate knowledge of the creation and development of Esper Powers in others. It even promised that, given enough time, I might be able to figure out how to eliminate the random factor and actually give anyone any power I wanted to… well, any Esper Power. Getting other Espers to reach their maximum potential would be child's play.

MalReal would make a powerful Esper, HarSci would make me an expert in Esper Skills and Training. I had to have them both… but either would eat effectively my entire budget.

That meant it would all come down to the freebies… as so much of life does. Experiments got 'Formal Training', and a discount on 'Doubled Growth Rate', which would be great if they were blanket effects, but DGR was specifically limited to Esper Powers, while FT was mostly about applying powers in novel ways… which MalReal pretty much already covered, and I wasn't certain if it would apply to anything else besides Esper powers, and without a continuation of ability, they'd be wasted Choice Points.

By comparison, Students got 'Slice of Life', which makes things in general more cheerful and bright… not a bad thing in this fucked up setting, and a discount on 'Motivated' (as if I needed more of that). It wasn't much of an improvement, and I wasn't sure Slice of Life would carry over to other jumps, but after the messed up crap of the last couple jumps, I could use a little Slice. Plus, being an Experiment would put the Mad Scientists of Academy City inside my brain… just where they shouldn't be.

So, I paid the fifty choice to be a Student and to set the jump on Easy Mode; trust me, the dark side of the Raildex universe could be fairly grimdark and wasn't what I wanted out of my time in this world. The machine vended my I.D., and set my school to Tokiwadai Academy (the best junior high in the city for young ladies)… because I am teh awesomeness that is me. Woo! It also vended a receipt saying that 50,000 Yen had been loaded onto my card… apparently they did double duty as debit cards. There was also a key to my mailbox and a passcode for the door to my apartment building. Double Woo! That's my catchphrase, by the way, my thing that can mean anything to my allies. Woo. It's all in the inflection.

That settled, it was time to find out how old I'd be and what Esper Power I'd be saddled with. I rolled the bones and got… eleven… and 'Meltdowner'. Christ, an 11 year old mega genius with Meltdowner? Meltdowner, aka Particle Waveform High-Speed Cannon or Atomic Destruction, was effectively Electron Waveform Manipulation and the answer to Heisenberg's Uncertainty… How can you know an electron's location and vector… when it's locked in place by an Esper. By controlling electrons in the state when they were both particle and wave, Meltdowner could be forced to function as neither as needed, making it highly versatile. Not only could Meltdowner essentially play merry hob with Uncertainty, its primary utility was in firing beams of electrons that could punch right through armor by ignoring any outside attempt to change their velocity. It could also be used to create protective fields that disintegrated anything that came in contact with the shield… or to turn the user into a living rocket. Oh… christ on a crutch… I was a walking bomb.

I considered buying something else from the list… except I already was a Telepathic, Telekinetic, Teleporting, Pyrokinetic, Electromaster. Of the eight abilities on the list, I already had five of them and didn't want one. Imagine Breaker was a no-go because it sucked and absolutely killed other abilities as well as the user's luck. It was the ability / curse of the main character of the Index side of the story, and it cancelled all blessings on him, and allowed him to nerf any magic or psi-power aimed at him… as long as he could get his left hand in the way. Didn't work so well on indirect effects like explosions or non-magical swords. That left two options, and between Clairvoyance and Meltdowner, I guess I'd rather have Meltdowner… though I hardly needed another way to blow people up. I casually juggled grenades, had eye-beams, breathed fire, knew magic, and was a damned good sniper.

So I stuck with the free option, even though the PWHCannon could be stopped with an energy shield or massively thick / strong armor beyond what could be made with the RailDex tech level and was incapable of rapid-fire or area saturation. Regardless of the limitations, it was the most destructive Esper ability hands down, and could be made dramatically worse if I removed the mental limiters preventing me from damaging or killing myself. The canon Meltdowner accidentally blew off her own arm by pushing herself too far. She was also resilient enough to survive being shot many times without significant injury, but that might not have been part of Meltdowner… and it wasn't as if I needed it to make me functionally bulletproof, though I'd take the durability boost if it was free.

Speaking of free stuff, being a Student got me a free set of 'Micromanipulators', rather delicate gloves reinforced with tiny motors and electrically contracting artificial muscles designed to allow one to perform delicate work on the scale of one micrometer. While definitely more suited to scientific experiments, they could be put to use in any situation that required steady hands… like aiming a rifle, conducting brain surgery, cooking, defusing a bomb, or even bypassing some redirection or shielding abilities. Or working on miniatures. Sure, I could hold a mini in place with TK, but the TK field often did annoying things to paint. I'd never actually thought of using micromanipulators for the purpose… but they should work pretty well. I'd have to try. You know; for SCIENCE!

Student also got me the aforementioned 'Slice of Life' perk, meaning that my daily life would unfold like a light and fluffy anime. In theory, the perk wouldn't really do much and I probably wouldn't notice the difference., but it was guaranteed that my life would become a generally more upbeat, cheerful, and enjoyable that circumstances might otherwise suggest they should be. People would be much nicer to me than they otherwise would have been, and I'd be able to get away with most minor wrongdoings, with no lasting consequences even for some severe transgressions. It should help me be able to live in the present without being bogged down by my past and enjoy my life without getting wrapped up in conflict as long as I didn't go looking for it. It would even help me look on the bright side of life, regardless of the situation, even in the face of an invasion, my impending execution, or even the approach of… dundundun… finals! With Slice of Life, I'd be less likely to take small but important things for granted and something like a sweet dessert will never fail to put a smile on my face.

I was tempted to turn down SoL, to be honest. I almost seemed too relaxed for me, but I gave it some thought and, after much soul searching, decided that maybe I'd been too high stress for too long. Slice of Life didn't enforce happy fun times. I could still get involved with the plot when I wanted to… but, by and large, such involvement would be on my own terms. That, I could use. In fact, SoL was, upon further reflection, one of the more powerful perks I'd ever been given for free.

Still, accepting it or not, I was up against the CP fence and needed to secure a loan before I spent any more. Two of the three high value Drawbacks were… let's say contraindicated. 'Memory Loss' didn't sound fun at all and the so-called 'Keikaku Keystone', was just yerg. I very much didn't want to be a vital part in Aleister 'I secretly rule Academy City' Crowley's plans, nor did I look forward to repeatedly being sent to the hospital by rampaging criminals, belligerent espers, or psychotic magicians… if not the morgue. That said, the last, 'Permanent Loli' was imminently doable. Clearly, it would be a bummer losing most of my physical strength, but if I was using it on this jump, clearly something had gone wrong. Having my sex-drive killed for a decade might have been a problem… but my age roll made me eleven years old. That would have killed any sex drive for at least a third of the jump, then made me a hormonal mess for another third before making me an overly horny teen for the last third.

Really, having no sex drive and gaining a renewed love for footy pyjamas and bedtime stories sounded like a deal. That I also got three-hundred extra CP for this privilege seemed gratuitous, but I wasn't going to examine that equine's teeth too closely. I also took 'Obsessive Esper' for another hundred to give myself an obsession. Might as well be a slightly insane Slice of Life permaloli… yes, why thank you, I would like a cookie. Mmm… chocolate chunk. Yes, the machine vended me a cookie for taking 'Loli'. Yay! I checked Obsessive, but it didn't have a pulldown menu, so I just typed 'Bishoujo Figurines' into the box for exactly what I was obsessed with. I figured that I'd run with the miniatures theme, although Figmas and Nendoroids are bigger than minis. If you have the space to be using thirteen centimeter tall figurines as minis, you have altogether too much money. Thankfully, I had a giant ass warehouse; I could afford a few dozen extra models.

Back in the flush with my brand shiny new four-fifty Choice balance, I scoop up the last of Student's Skill Tree, 'Motivated', for a hundred and fifty, making me much more motivated than before. It meant I'd find it even easier to dedicate myself to things and self-discipline would no longer be an issue (I have ADHD like you wouldn't believe and even Vulcan level restraint doesn't always help. Thankfully, I'm really really smart, and have a perfect memory, so I tend to get things done eventually, and usually in much less time than others… once you remove all the interruptions and tangents and procrastination).

Motivated even guaranteed that I'd rediscover my love of learning (I lost it? No, but seriously, I've gotten to the point where I know so much that sometimes it's hard to remember there is stuff I don't know). Being able and willing to spend weeks studying a subject, stopping only to eat and sleep would certainly help fill in the gaps in my knowledge, and the fact that the perk came with godly research skills and a near-guarantee that I'd 'almost always' seem to find information the information I'm looking for as long as I searched hard enough… very nice! Especially at the price.

It also came with a perfect memory, which I already had… but this perfect memory was paired with a highly efficient memory indexing system… which I definitely didn't have. Imagine having a memory that stretched across millenia, and having entire lifetimes worth of stuff you had trouble bringing to the fore simply because it was stuffed in the equivalent of a mislabeled mental filing cabinet. With 'Motivated' and enough time slash effort, almost anything would be within my grasp. If Hermione could see me now.

I plunked down another hundred for the 'MSR-001' sniper rifle. I can hear you out there, gasping in horror. "Essjay!" I hear you saying, "Why are you wasting precious CP on a gun? You have guns! Guns galore! Why do you need this one?" Well, oh hypothetical readers of my private commentaries… because! No seriously, this was an utterly recoilless, utterly silent sniper-grade coilgun. One would keep such features even when upgraded (or fused via importation). It was also capable of being disassembled and carried in an attache case… not that I'd need it, since I promptly fused it with Soul of Ice's gun form (formerly called Shelob's Bane, an Elfin Elemental Mithril Protonic Rifle). How one silenced a proton-beam was anyone's guess, but I had it now. Thank's Jump-Chain!

Which left me with two-hundred to spend on Companion Imports, one for Zane and one for Velma… she could use a treat. Joy and Ahab import for free, so that's a squad of 5. Mentally, I cursed the designer of this particular jump. Each companion cost a hundred Choice… fair enough I guess, considering the power of the 'free' Esper ability… except not only did that price not come with a background, marking this as the only time I could think of that the auto-importers got more than the paid-importers, but then the writer has to go and say 'This can be bought up to sixteen times'. Greaaaat.

To do that, I'd have to buy nothing, not even a background other than Drop-In for myself (the cheapest perk for Drop-ins, True Grit, wasn't free for them, only discounted) which would get me the Esper Power and the Media Collection… then take two of the three-hundred Choice Drawbacks, since the only way to get sixteen-hundred Choice was to make both of the allowed Drawback slots be top value. Oh, and the color-scheme for the screens was annoying as hellp. White on orange… with very thin letters. A plague upon the Jump Builder's House! It wasn't a bad jump… just with wonky pricing (like one item that cost 1601 CP) and formatting. Personally, I'd have made the power section larger — I know there were more than eight powers in the series — make the companion 'immigration' as they call it cheaper and give more, and remove the prices for the various backgrounds. But that's me, and if I had to choose between being a Builder and a Jumper? I'd take Jumper every day and thrice on Saturday. But seriously… Accelerator, Dark Matter, and Mental Out, three of the five top tier powers in the series? Not on offer in the jump!

While I looked over the Media Collection, which included every single piece of To Aru (A Certain X) Merch ever… books, games, toys, comics, DVDs… even the frog commander that Railgun Girl is obsessed with), that we had thanks to Joy's going Drop-In, the others stepped up and began rolling for their power.

Zane rolled the same as I did, which I guess made us the Twin Cannons (though thanks to my purchases I've got more potential than he does… poor boy). Exactly what a Level Four Meltdowner would be like, I had no idea. The Canon Meltdowner was one of Academy City's five Level Five Espers, the last being Railgun herself (the previous three I mentioned above).

Velma ended up with Teleporter. Woo… as long as she doesn't go full perv, it's probably okay… not that I don't totally love the adorkableness that is Kuroko the tweenage lesbian. Teleporter does have the potential to be a Level Five power (Asport/Remote Emission), but Velma's only guaranteed the potential for Level Four, which is the same as Kuroko, though Velma could develop along any of the four known variations (Kuroko's Spatial Movement which is well-rounded, Awaki's Move Point which moves distant objects from point to point, Saraku's Kill Point which teleports the user behind other people, or the theoretical Mass Teleport which can move several objects at a time. Asport has line of sight range and can do any of those.)… or even develop her own variation. Teleporter is a great example of just how bonkers Esper powers are in this setting. In canon, the theory is that Teleportation requires mental calculation in not three but eleven dimensions. Level Four Tport is needed to teleport oneself… and there were, before Velma… or Red Popper as she's decided to codename herself… only fifty-eight Teleporters in the entire Esper Population, of which only nineteen could teleport themselves.

Ahab decided to go Spy, netting him the perk 'Darksider', which, being a complete knowledge of the underside of Academy City, would be useful this jump, but not any other… as well as a totally screwed up 'Vending Machine' that apparently dispenses disgusting experimental juices but also serves as a source of income. As for his power, he rolled Pyrokinesis, which does exactly what it says on the tin… if he reaches his full potential, he'll be the only known Level Four pyro that isn't a reanimated corpse (yes, that's a thing. The Asporter mentioned previously was also a reanimated corpse… I said this shit gets pretty dark, especially in the Accelerator story arc).

Joy went Drop-in, entirely to get the free media collection, not caring that she wouldn't be getting 'True Grit'. A willpower buff is scarcely something the scary lady needs. Having the complete media collection would help immensely, as my knowledge of the setting came almost entirely from watching the first seasons of Railgun and Index, and reading several articles about the various characters. Joy's power roll nabbed her Telekinesis, a subset of Psychokinesis… which was, by far, the most common Esper ability. In fact, it was so common they had standard system scan data for it, along with the four most common forms of ESP – Precognition, Psychometry, Telepathy, and Clairvoyance. Still, TK is loads of fun, with lots of flexibility. Fun Fun Fun til daddy takes the T-Bird Away.

Thankfully, although none of them got any CP to spend, they all got the basics; an I.D., a School to go to, a weekly stipend, and an apartment to live in. Which I guess is good, because that means I don't have to shack up with all of them… though Zane and I did pool our apartment to make a bigger one… not that two eleven year olds need that big of a place. Eleven year olds are practically hobbits, right?

INSERTION

Do you know what ten years of slice of life shenanigans are like? Especially in Academy City? Let me set this up for you… massive japanese city, full of Espers and mad scientists and secret conspiracies. Full of plots, gangs, racism, classism, anti-magic sentiment, experiments that leave 10,000 clones of a thirteen year-old girl murdered, networked minds to make a computing collective, experiments that result in the deaths of dozens and the permanent coma states of a dozen more little kids. Imagine Hogwarts, except city sized and even laxer about morals, ethics, and personal safety. Having Slice of Life in this place is like… Hogan's Heroes but somehow stranger and less funny than inept Nazis.

Spending a decade obsessed with Figmas (and when I say Figmas, don't assume I'm limiting myself to only that brand. For some reason, Eternal Loli EssJay got it into her head that all Bishoujo Figurines were Figmas… even if they were of Shonen or Bishonen characters) was interesting, but weird. Spending a decade with no sex drive was… just weird. Zane got caught up in that, poor kid. Apparently me calling us 'The Twin Cannons' really did make us twins again, and he was just as stuck in ageless limbo as I was. And the city's PTBs used us to their advantage. Invasion? Call the Twin Cannons. Meteor? Call the Twin Cannons. Aleister Crowley has a hangnail? Call the Twin Cannons. Yes, that was a thing that Happened… twice.

Also learned that Hogwarts Magic, Buffy Sorcery, FF7 Materia, and Fairy Tail Spells are all 'Magic' for the sake of this world, as were my eye-beams and shapeshifting… But Bending and RWBY Aura? Not so much. And my divine powers… not at all. So… huh. Then again, the pain only hurt for a short time until I regenerated. Still, the pain was cerebral, so… ouchie.

My goals for the jump was to eat lots of candy, watch lots of anime, and Railgun duel against Misaka (the titular Railgun). Of course, I couldn't Esper a Railgun, but I could Bend one. There was almost certainly a way to use my Meltdowner power to boost my Railgunning, but I hadn't found it yet. Okay, those were my SoL goals. Of course, there were one major and many minor issues that needed to be addressed in order for me to feel at all sanguine about such goofing off… not the least of which was the pending murder of 10,000+ little girls… and if they survived, their use as an antenna array as part of a plan to destroy all mages.

That gave me a hitlist… with Crowley at the top, but at least two members of the Kihara clan as well… Therestina and her grandfather Ginsei… two of Academy City's biggest power-mad mad-doctors. It was something of a race against time in all three cases. I also decided to help one Dr. Kiyama, who, sure, was a bit of a mad scientist, and not above using people, but had (arguably) good reasons.

Finding Therestina and Dr. Kiyama was easy. Both were relatively public figures. Therestina, I decided, needed a special lesson in only the way the Jumpchain could prepare it… so I had Joy and Ahab snatch her up and put her into a cryopod. I wasn't sure where I'd drop her… but eventually I'd end up in a horror or zombie or deathworld jump… and when I did… she'd find herself there… for as long as she lasted. We slapped a 'Do not Wake Until Doomsday' seal on her pod… after I drew in marker on her face.

Dr. Kiyama felt a moral need to wake her former students, rendered comatose by attempts to boost their power levels (overseen by Therestina). I helped her by… wait for it… waking her former students. The central problem she was having was that any attempt by one of them to wake up would be suppressed by the others, subconsciously of course. The solution lay in a red crystal known alternatively as 'First Sample', 'Ability Body Crystal', and 'Crystallized Esper Essence'. Why are so many mcguffin substances red? I'm looking at you Star Trek! And you Alias! And you Full Metal Alchemist! Regardless of the name (or color), Therestina had known the location and what she knew, I knew.

She also knew a really good bakery, which took a few hours out of the plan… but we got Kiyama her crystal, she turned over all her data on Level-Upper (a combination Esper Power increaser, coma inducer, and networked subconsciousness generator), and then she read me a story. She's nice… if a little deranged. We also had eclairs… mmmm… yummy1

Gensei was harder to find, but Ahab and Joy are very very good at their jobs, and they located and brought him before the Figma Throne (it's a throne made of crystalline boxes that each have a perfectly preserved Figmas (really figFIXs mostly, since the joy of Figmas is posing them with their flexible joints, and figFIXs you can't do that with) inside them, but with padding on the arms and seat to make it comfy. It is awesome.). I searched the old man's memories, looking for a scrap of remorse. I found none. He honestly believed that everything he'd done had been justified and that there had been no victims of his experiments.

There's a funny thing about blackmail. You can use the information gathered to gain money from the perpetrator… or you can use it to find every living person connected with the perpetrator's victims. And if you are a high power telepath with the ability to mentally record psychic impressions… you can save quite a lot of pain and suffering… and then make a present of all of it to an old man who had spent his life inflicting it. I'd learned quite a bit about aware comas… I put him inside one and then unleashed all that darkness into his still conscious mind. The life support systems of my medbay's long term care module should serve him well for the remainder of my time in this world. Then, he too would join his granddaughter in cryo until I found a world bad enough to drop them there.

Unfortunately, I learned that the Accelerator-kills-lots-and-lots-of-Misaka-clones process had begun several years ago… something I should have figured, and that he was going through them at the rate of about tens a day, give or take. He'd already gotten into the mid nine-thousands. With that depressing news, I became a little conflicted. Did I take out Accelerator, if it meant only saving a couple hundred of the clones instead of thousands… On one hand, it would save hundreds of lives… but would also mean the others had died for no reason. Killing Accelerator would only prohibit his heel-face turn and if the clone known as 'Last Order' could forgive him (and through her the rest of the Sister Network), I could do the same. That didn't mean, however, that I was going to let him kill the others. I'd stop him… somehow.

That somehow was a third Kihara… Amata, who just got a bullet to the brain, after I stripped out the knowledge of how to get through Accelerator's guard. That's what you do with mad dogs. You shoot them. Of course, I couldn't kill all the Kiharas… Well, I could, there were only about five-thousand of the bastards… but they weren't just a bloodline, they were some kind of self replicating quasi-mystical meme. One became a Kihara by being intelligent and having both too high a regard for science and too little regard for human life. Essentially it was a Mengele reproduction process… Wiping it out would require more mojo than I could deal with… but I could try and minimize the condition.

I went on the assumption that it was either a contagion or a form of possession. Thus, I tattooed myself and my companions… and even Dr. Kiyama with invisible ink since she seemed susceptible… with anti-possession tattoos. I also gathered blood samples from as many Kihara's as I could… and tried spirit bending on a couple of the minor members of the family.

It was interesting (and a little frustrating) being in a city where my pet AI couldn't scythe through the local information systems unchallenged. The Academy had 'Tree Diagram' as its central processing unit, something that wasn't close to VIvian's pure data storage capacity, but could come close to rivalling her in processing power, with some very interesting predictive properties. But that made finding Mr. Crowley difficult, even though I'd been to his sanctum several times.

To get to Crowley, I had to find Dr. Frog Face, also known as Heaven Canceller, a Biopathic Esper. If anyone knew how to find Crowley, it would be the man keeping him alive. I also found Accelerator's location from Frog-Sensei… and we had cocoa! It had little marshmallows. I liked being in stealth mode… I had bunny ears on my stealth suit.

Once I knew Accelerator's weakness, though… I had to laugh. It was painfully simple, at least in theory. His power, Redirect, worked by controlling vectors. Any vector, even a passive one. That meant that any blow that had its vector change just before it hit him would get through his defenses… or attacks that had no vectors. Knowing that, it was relatively simple to build a drone device to administer a tranquilizer dart that had a retrorocket that would fire a moment before impact, changing the dart's vector, but not enough to keep if from administering its dosage. My backup was even sneakier, it was a clown-adorned skin patch that was fired from a gun in such a way that it would arrive at Accelerator's skin with functionally zero vector, and then adhere simply through the static-osmotic action of the glue.

The second wasn't needed… which is good, because there were a damned lot of variables for it, but albino boy went down for a napnap and I went inside his head to plant a mental block against actually killing the remaining clones. Yes, he could beat them up, but only until they were unconscious. He'd have to strategically limit himself. I even made sure it would seem as if it were his own idea, a way to Level Up faster by making the fights deliberately harder. I supplied him with many tracker tags to place one to a clone, though he'd have no conscious memory of the tags, my instructions, or of being knocked out. The tags would transport (a variation of Star Trek Tech) any grievously injured Misaka-sister into the ever growing racks of stasis pods that were filling containers in my warehouse. No idea when I'd need to cryo six-hundred people, but I'd have the capacity.

With the survival of the remaining Misakas mostly guaranteed, that just left Crowley. But before I confronted Crowley, I had to take out his major driving force, the reason why the Science Side was obsessed with creating a Level 6 Esper as fast as possible… namely, the leadership of the Magic Side… who were just as bug nuts fucked in the head as the mad scientists. Topping my list were members of the pope's inner council, 'God's Right Seat' Primarily Vento of the Front (since I'd taken out her Kihara counterpart) a woman who referred to non-catholics as Heathen Monkeys (I like Monkeys, they're silly) and Terra of the Left who actively considered non-Catholics to be subhuman. The other two were redeemable… though biased as hell.

But… before I could do anything about any of the magic folk… I had to find a way to block the most telltale sign of who and what I (and imported my companions) were. Espers in A Certain World generate AIM Fields (An Involuntary Mechanism) which was shaped by the Esper's Personal Reality. Invisible it might be to humans… but special machines could view it… and I'd be a fool to assume that the innermost layers of the Magic Community would lack a way to sense their primary enemy's largest tell. And shutting down my AIM field should, in theory, allow me to use magic… and in the field of magic I was, I was fairly certain, a match for anyone on this plane of existence.

The device to detect AIM fields wasn't hard to steal, once my spies located the lab making it. Having stolen, replicated, and replaced the machine and the research data that had been used to create it, I set to tinkering. It took me three weeks… It would have taken two, but they released a new line of Gashapon figurines that I had to hunt down all ninety-six variants of the eighteen waifus… I had to build a device that allowed me to scan the random Gashapon boxes to see what was in them to detect variations. Sure sure, I could have bought all the boxes, but that would have been silly. Stupid randomization. I had a set up in the apartment for cleaning them and my micromanipulators allowed me to build them inside a nitrogen environment box and then seal them inside lexan cubes for display. Figmas is serious business… Good thing we have limitless sammich material… extra funds for Figmas. Plus the local gangs are nice and enjoy contributing to my Figma Fund… AJ and Francy said so. I haven't met any of their members… I wonder if they're shy?

Anyway, with my FRED (Friendly Rabbit Esper-Suppression Device) ready, I sent agents into mage held lands to locate my targets, while I wrote my speeches… I had to have speeches, didn't I?! Writing them was fun! I got to lay in bed with my bunny slippers on and Ziggy acting as a pillow and we dictated the whole thing to my Bear-recorder… it's a recorder shaped like a bear. "You know… in another world, I erased your God." That was a good line. When I finally confronted Terra of the Left with it, it made him sooooo cross.

Of course, the fact that I also claimed to be the Antichrist might have had something to do with it. I did him a favor though… I nailed him to a cross. He didn't seem grateful though, so I summoned Ifrit and hit him with fire until he stopped complaining. Some people. If you don't think he deserved it, you haven't seen his wardrobe… or inside his mind… ewww. His power is called 'Execution of Light'. It forms a guillotine blade out of flour using the power of transubstantiation. He has used it very very many times. Really, I was doing him a mercy. Also, making certain that his soul was ready for the hot place where they don't have cute bunny slippers or cocoa. He was easy to deal with.

Vento of the Front however was another kettle of fish entirely. Her magic 'Divine Punishment' required only hostile will towards Vento and worked at any range. As such, I had to consciously suppress all hostile intent towards her… a relatively easy task as I saw her more as a problem to be solved than as someone to be destroyed. Thankfully, as a Trickster, I could send homunculi against her that had no intent or emotions nor need for oxygen.

Still, I had to wait until she opened her mouth in my presence to get at her weakness. I can't ever express just how useful the ability to slow time is. Sure, my movements may be hampered a little as well, but watching the rest of the world flow by at 1/10th its normal speed is incredibly useful… especially when your opponent's power resides in a cross attached to a tongue stud. She made a great deal of scream type noises when I Expelliarmus'd it from her face.

Then, while she was gurgling, I gave her the speech I'd prepared for her. "Heathen Monkeys? We were here long before your bastard of a saviour got himself nailed to a cross. We'll be here long after the last of you papists gives up the ghost… I made a joke there, did you like it? You like the bible, let's get biblical. I shall not suffer a witch to live." Then I shut down all her higher brain functions… just as she'd done to countless others. "Divine Judgement that, bitch!" I told her… then I had to put 100 yen in the swear jar.

I also stole from her the location of the sphere that powered the Queen of the Adriatic Sea… if anyone should have a fleet of giant Ice Ships, it should be me. Finding a place for a seven meter sphere of magical ice isn't easy. I'd have to heavily reprogram the damned thing… it was built to destroy Venice, had failsafes built in, and was powered by human sacrifice, because christians. But if anyone can reprogram a giant magical ice relic, I'd be the one. Until then, it can stay in the ice-cream locker. We have a lot of ice-cream.

That left me with two. Finding Fiamma of the Right wasn't hard, bonkers git that he was. I had no intention of killing the head of God'S Right Seat, even if World War III would have been his fault. Instead, I simply snuck up behind him and whispered these words, "Saving the world isn't important if the people aren't saved. Caring for one another was Christ's message, not vengeance. You have forgotten that." And I teleported away before he could turn around. If you're wondering why? Well, after the war he did have a Heel-Face Turn and dedicate himself to protecting them world… and he was kinda important in case Magic God Othinus showed up even with the war not happening. I didn't even bother with the mostly mercenary but fairly ethical Acqua of the Back… he had a stupid enough name that anything I did to him would just be mean.

My Italian Vacation took two weeks. It was very hectic… and Italy doesn't have any good Figmas… but I got a statue of a lady with wings and a sword standing on a snake guy's head and a pair of little bronze David's from the Vatican Vault… I might have forgotten to pay for them… but then again, there weren't any price tags.

Back in Academy city, I had to make up the assignments I'd skipped… yes I has PhD but they still made me go to school. Big meanie doodoo-heads. Like anyone neeeeeds to know history or… or geography or… or… how to play the piano. And so what if I draw smiley faces on my calligraphy homework?

The problem with getting to Crowley was just how insanely (and justifiably) paranoid he was. Of course, he didn't count on someone with extra universal knowledge and undetectable telepathic skills. There wasn't any way to judge, of course, but it was likely I was a Rank 6 Telepath, though my TP didn't need an AIM field… or at least a very strong Rank 5. I'd had a lot of practice over centuries… I was, at the very least, the equal of Mental Out (the fifth ranked of the seven canonical Level Five's of Academy City, aka Shokuhou Misaki or 'The Queen Bee') though I was significantly more subtle… then again, she was in middle school and I'd had centuries at this game. She also used her abilities for direct control, while I used them for deep scans, domination, and neural… tweaking. I'd taken care of her as soon as I'd located her, tranquing her and then deep diving to put a block in her mind that kept her from even trying to influence me or Zane.

Still, what this meant was that I knew how to find at least one person who knew how to get to Crowley… the teleporter Musujime Awaki… I may have mentioned her earlier… and from her mind I was able to find others who'd been into the inner sanctum and read them as well. Still, it wasn't enough. There had to be wards inside the building to keep what I was about to do from happening. So I did the most insane thing I'd ever done… I had Musujime teleport me and Big Piggy… that would be a five-hundred megaton pulse atomic metamagically amplified and shielded bomb… painted like Ryoga… into the inner sanctum, having preemptively erased her memory of having done so.

"Before you consider siccing your security on me… I'm just here to talk. This is a bomb. I know your building can take a blast from a normal nuke… in theory, from the outside… but this is inside. I'll take it with me when I go," I was not talking in my normal voice. In fact, the voice I was talking in sounded like nothing a human voice-box could create and my eyes were burning… literally, as in the fire was hot enough to inflict third-degree burns on the flesh around them. It was not an illusion and it hurt a lot, even if it wouldn't do any permanent damage thanks to my regen. I also poured out a strange draconic aura, redolent with magic and lacking my normal Esper signature, doing my best to appear possessed. "You are the Magician Aleister Crowley. I knew you in another time and place, though you look different in this incarnation." It was trueish… there had been a Crowley in Supernatural. "The questions is… are you different. My apologies for hijacking one of your students, but I needed a vessel… and she'd built such a nice bomb it would be a shame not to use it."

"Who are you, demon?" the Hanged-Man asked.

"I am Marduk of the Fifty Names," I bragged. "I am Alpha and Omega. I am the Inbetweener. Do you think I'd be so foolish as to give The Crowley my true name? I am the God of a Civilization both dead and thriving. I am she who erased the gods. You can call me… Wintermute… And I would ask you a question, oh prideful man."

"Ask then!" commanded the upside down mage inside his cylinder full of red liquid. See! RED!

"Why should I not erase you from existence?" I asked, voice thundering off the walls and projected into the spirit realm.

"As if you could," he scoffed, but I could sense legitimate fear within him, but it was overwhelmed by growing anger and hubristic pride.

"Be not prideful," I chided. "I tell you in all honesty that I have erased gods and angels and demons in my time. I level no causal threat here. You have allowed abomination and horror to thrive inside your Scientific Faction, all to gain the upper hand against the Magical Faction. You have done all this to win a war instead of trying to use your knowledge for the betterment of all humankind! I see no reason to allow you to be the caretaker of Humanity's future. I've already removed two of the four directions for their crimes… and three of your Kihara's for even worse acts… as well as many of those… monsters who participated in the deaths of so many children. So tell me, Magician? What shining world would you build up with such a disgusting, such a depraved foundation?" as I spoke, my voice dropped further and further into spiritual subharmonies and further away from sounds mortal ears could hear.

"My enemies would do so much worse!" the unreasonably youthful man said, eyes shining with zeal. "They stand in the way of progress and preach litanies of oppression and fear of cosmic punishment!" His tone was light, as if he found the entire process amusing.

"Yeah, yeah. That old saw. If they yell Deus Vult enough, that justifies whatever you do?"

"They serve a tyrant and fool of a god and must be… as you said… erased," he laughed, as if the idea amused him.

"They protected knowledge for centuries. For time past knowing, religion and science worked hand in glove. This growing schism between the spiritual and the material is good for neither. All Magic must work on fundamental principles, just as Espers do." I stamped my tiny widdle foot, and spiderwebs fragmented the smooth marble of the chamber floor.

"My plans-" he began.

"Your plans are the machinations of a tyrant and fool!" I roared, throwing his words back at him, the fire from my eyes towering to pillars three meters tall. "You have become a god in your own private world, divorced from the world you claim to rule, served by angels and ghosts."

"And you would have struck by now if you thought you could take me out," he accused, smug in his own power.

"No. I could take you out with a thought. I do not strike because I do not know if that would give too much advantage to those other lunatics. I am not asking you to cease your fight against the Church… I am asking you to open your doors and arms to other elements of the magical world… for the betterment of humanity. Or I can erase you and hope your replacement is more interested in coexistence. Oh… and stop fucking allowing psychopaths like the Kihara's to act without controls or oversight. Do that, and I might be reasonable. Don't do that… and I'll be back. Tell Aiwass and Kazakiri I said hi." I said, grinning.

And with that, I tapped the floor and Big Piggy sank out of reality as the warehouse absorbed it. I switched my magic off and my Esperism back on, wobbling as The Palace of my Mind went into Lockdown Mode, leaving only this persona and my core nature as everything besides the 'Foyer' became inaccessible. I blinked up at the upside down man, having no conscious memory of who he was or where I was. My eyes were already healing at their normal insanely fast rate.

"Why are you upside down, Mister?" I asked, rubbing my now slightly sore eyes and looking around the strange chamber.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Ummmm… Sasaki Junko… Twin Cannon Sister," I said, looking around at the weird room. "Why are you upside down?"

"Ah yes… Tokiwadai Junior High. Level Three," he said as if pulling up the memory from a mental palace himself. I recognized the signs. He didn't answer my question.

"I'll be Level Four by next year," I insisted, humphing petulantly.

"I'm sure you will," he agreed. And with that, I found myself transported back to the street, where a nice man gave me a limited edition Figma and drove me home.

I'm sure you're thinking, "Oh… goood. Get yourself on the psycho's radar!" Well, two things. There wasn't any way I was going ten years without getting on it… and second… you forget that I had Dr. Kiyama's Level-Upper program. I'd modified it it so that, rather than putting people into a coma to act as a linked computing network… it operated as a massive distributed gestalt personality. In essence, I'd infected any subconscious mind that could generate an AIM field with a tiny part of a vast… conscience. If people were going to be throwing out this kind of power and meddling in this level of science, I was going to make the Collective Humanistic Unconscious Monitor (CHUM) into humanity's secret police… and it would choose random units, often impressionable ones, to call out the injustices… and woe betide anyone who harmed those messengers… because everyone would know… everyone.

I couldn't save the world this time… there was no easy solution. It was all politics and schemes… but I could strive for a balance… at least from the shadows. And perhaps it worked. Or at least I forced the lunatics to work deeper in the shadows where they could do less harm. But 'Wintermute' never slept, never stopped feeding its information to Tree Diagram… once I'd stolen the satellite (Index was going to destroy it anyway. It seemed like a waste of a perfectly good predictive system.) and renamed it 'Neuromancer'. Wintermute was the conscience, feeding Neuromancer all the predictive information the system would ever need, and then Neuromancer fed the information into CHUM, who empowered some rando to solve the problem… all to the one goal of making sure humanity didn't fucking knife itself in the back.

Collective ethics, baseline logic, don't use children as pawns, don't experiment on people, don't try and murder everyone related to your enemies, help each other… Wintermute wasn't programmed to enforce its own ethics, it drew them from the totality of humanity's better natures, polling millions of minds on which actions crossed the line and which didn't… and there wasn't any lying to the system because no one knew it was there.

I did tell a little fib there… it did have one ethical subroutine… it really didn't like Kihara's who acted like Kihara's. They suffered… mischief. Crowley hated Big G God for the crimes of humanity, I gave him a humanity who hated him for the crimes of his creations. And I released all the Misaka's I had managed to save back into the wild, much to the confusion of the Misaka Network.

I did hit Level Four by the next year… and Level Five by the end of the sixth year… Training wasn't super important when you understood the secrets of being an Esper and could manipulate AIM fields… It was, in many ways, like turning a dial. I very carefully didn't try pushing it further. I saw no need to see how dangerous I could be… but I could feel the ability to control protons at the edge of my awareness… and with it the ability to possibly generate and control positrons as well. I knew the name of that power… I'd named it to Crowley… and I wanted none of it… Creation and Destruction… Alpha and Omega. No one should have that… and what I had was already getting insane. Carefully, I walled off that part of my memory, labeling it, "Do not open unless in Existential Extremis." I couldn't risk damaging my Figmas.

"Oh… my… god…," I gasped as the previous decade ended and I took stock of the state of my warehouse. "I… Dear lord… how many of these things are there? How the hell did I get this many FIGMAS?" The warehouse was swimming in them! I didn't even know who half those girls were… and I have a memory palace larger than the fucking Pentagon! At some point in the last decade I apparently thought it was a good idea to have a throne made entirely of Figmas in lexan boxes. I had someone make a giant life-sized Figma of myself… made out of broken or malformed bits of Figma! If there were multiple ways to set up the same figma… I had all the combinations. I had fourteen… fourteen! shipping containers full of unopened Figmas! Why? Because I didn't have time in jump to build them all.

"Oh… my… me… I…. no…. Best not to think about it…" I shuddered, trying to figure out how I was going to deal with the armies of small cute things that covered nearly every flat surface of the center of the warehouse, or the massive area I'd set aside for what looked like the largest action figure set-piece battle ever. There were some sixty-four thousand magical girls, mecha-musume, or fantasy babes posed in a megabrawl all around a giant black pig. I giant black pig that I had to remind myself was, in fact, a doomsday device painted to look like a big black piggy. Why did I have a doomsday device painted to look like a black pig?! And why, exactly, do I seem to have stolen Index's habit? Where did all these stuffed animals come from!? So much of my memory of the last jump didn't make logical sense, and I wasn't just talking about the Esper stuff.

Looking back through my memories, it seemed that I'd done things that were cute simply because they might be cute! It made no sense at all. I'd been a being of logic even when I'd been prepubescent the first time… well, at least as any kid really can be. I liked logic. It was logical, it made sense! I didn't do stuff like… like… like Twin Cannon Sister did. She was… moe. Soooo moe. My brain hurt. I needed coffee… all the coffee… and porn. And sex… and… I hadn't had sex in a decade. That, clearly was the problem. A human deprived of sex for too long became a moe-taku… that explained Japan all too well.

It took me a full three weeks to decompress after that massive shock to the system and by the end of that period we were completely out of Romulan Ale. Fuck. I clearly needed a TNG jump to restock… and also to get a Replicator. TOS's fabricators and food synthesizers were okayish… but they were big and clunky and not seventy years advanced like TNG would be… no matter how much I upgraded them.

Sure, Maegi Technology was advanced enough to make the Culture look like primitive screwheads, let alone the Federation of the TNG era, but matter replication like Star Trek used was based on transporter technology… and the Maegi had never cracked that particular piece of clark-tech… at least not to the point of complex matter creation. I wasn't certain it was actually possible without Trek-Tech or divine asspull. I could upgrade a TOS synthesizer as much as I wanted, but something was missing. It never got good enough to make food that tasted anything close to fresh, and when I handed over the tech to the Maegi, they told me it was a dead end… clearly something was stopping me from abusing Treknobabbler to the fullest.

The same thing had happened when I'd tried to upgrade my warp nacelles to Transwarp technology, or use treknobabbled equations to slingshot around a star and back into the past. It was as if there was a limit to how much I could abuse Trek-Tech, and if it hadn't existed in TOS I couldn't do build it. The time travel lockout seemed to be a totally different issue, as the Maegi hadn't been able to crack that either and every attempt to use my Tech Tree power had resulted in hellacious migraines rather than a step by step guide to a working time machine.

I pegged it to having to deal with the actual laws of physics whenever I wasn't using technology that was stolen from a given setting. For instance, I couldn't build a working Mass Relay since I didn't have any Eezo, but I could build Omni-tools because they were theoretically possible bits of hardlight technology. As for Pokeballs and Pokeboxes? Not a chance. The technology made no sense. Replica Rayspheres? No luck. Zords? Not using the Sentai-Tech. Essentially, if I or one of my crew hadn't bought something that allowed use of the local technology, it couldn't be exported into universes with different / standard technology rules. Treknobabbler could only stretch things so far, it seemed.

But Maegi Tech? Seemed to work just fine, what little of it I could replicate without a titanically vast multi-galactic empire to produce. I hadn't thought about just how much I'd need Maegi tools… but then again, I hadn't been able to take anything I hadn't paid cold hard CP for out of that particular challenge… probably the Banker doing an end run against me trying to keep my entire empire. I'd been above material things as the Manifest God-King.

Seriously, the Maegi had had millenia to build some of that stuff. I had had just under four centuries since then, and I'd been busy. Even building the tools to build the tools to build the tools needed to construct hyperstructures took decades of matter manipulation. Super-tensile substrates don't grow on trees unless you've spend thousands of generations rebuilding the tree's genome practically from the ground up. Maybe the next jump would offer some much needed downtime someplace sane enough and with resources enough for me to do some teching up of my warehouse tech base.

And speaking of the next jump, I finally took a look at the new Vending Machines of Doom. The logo stirred something in my memories. "They Live?" I muttered, then laughed. "They… Live! Ha! Note to self, do not run out of bubblegum!" John Carpenter's 'They Live' was an eighties-era B-grade sci-fi movie starring Rowdy Roddy Piper, in which a homeless wanderer finds a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see the alien race that has infiltrated earth and replaced all signs and advertisements with subliminal brainwashing terms like 'Consume', 'Conform', 'Submit', and 'Obey'. Asskicking ensues.

"What?" Zane asked, looking up from the puppet show that Francine was putting on nearby. She was using some of my Figmas and a small part of me wanted to scream at her that they weren't toys damnit… but I controlled myself and quashed that impulse.

"Zane!" I said, dropping down next to him on the grass. "Speed Run!"

"What?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow at me. He was, oddly, in his Lucario form, something he very seldom wore. Kendra was also not with him. They must have spent the last three weeks making up for lost shagging time to the point where they were taking a break from each other… or they'd had another fight.

I pushed that away, knowing that Zane would eventually tell me all together more than I'd wanted to know about whatever the situation was. "I betcha we can resolve this jump in a week," I chirped happily. "Speed Run!"

He paused, considered, then grinned and extended one paw. "You're on, tiny!"

Of course, I had only the seed of an idea; the exact details would depend on what I could buy and the actual state of the world, but I was pretty confident that I could do a better job than a muscle-bound numbskull (no offence to Mr. Piper, but his character (Nada) wasn't the brightest torch in the lynch-mob. Any plan would have to start at the beginning, or rather, with Origins… in this case called Backgrounds. There were four; the first two of which were Drop-In (of course) and Drifter, which might as well be Drop-In version two point oh, at least if you're 'Merican. Which I had been, once upon a time. Drifter seriously didn't really give one much more than a reason to be homeless in California in 1988, at the cost of a hundred Choice.

The other Backgrounds were Alien and Human Sympathizer… Yeah, no. I was not going to be one of those fuggly aliens even if the choice was free, and being a race traitor? And not in the made up KKK / Nazi way of betraying the so-called 'white race' but an actual traitor to the human race ?No thanks. Fuck that, and fuck them. Anyone who would literally sell out their own family / species / nation / planet to an alien force which would enslave them deserves a very long drop while attached to a much shorter rope. That one had to pay two-hundred or a hundred-and-fifty Choice for either privilege just made me hate the idea even more.

Drop-In or Drifter it was, and with not much difference on the front end, I'd have to check the discounts to figure out which was worth more… "Huh," I grunted as the screen flickered. In all my jumps, that was the first time the VMoD had glitched even a little bit. "Odd," I muttered as the letters reassembled themselves into their proper places and the screen reverted back to normal. "Whatever…" A quick comparison of perk-trees made it clear that there really wasn't a question of which was better. Drifter had a freebie that I didn't already have, and Drop-In didn't even have a capstone perk. So, Drifter it was.

That freebie I mentioned was called 'Situational Sharpness', and while it wasn't much (the ability to come up with the perfect insult, joke, or comment for whatever situations I found myself in, as well as a guarantee that I'd never lose my cool and always look like a badass when I needed to), it wasn't a parkour skill I already had.

Being a Drifter also came with Bubblegum that was described as "Obligatory Bubblegum. Might run out. Refills after kicking ass or an act of badassery." which made me laugh, and the 'Special Sunglasses' that could pierce through the aliens' disguise field, a feature I was fairly certain I'd be able to pretty easily reverse engineer. The part of the glasses that I probably wouldn't be able to retro-engineer was that these glasses would pierce through any form of high tech or magical disguise or cloaking technology. Wouldn't punch through, say, someone wearing a basic mask, but anything that tried to tamper with the visual information my eyes were seeing? Not a problem.

Unfortunately, the sunglasses also turned the viewed world monochrome and inflicted brutal headaches… and weren't exactly subtle if you were wearing them indoors. They also weren't x-ray specs. However, I could ignore pain, and by importing VIctoria into the glasses, I could use their effect with the hard-light constructs or omni-gel contact lenses without needing the incredibly unstylish sunglasses.

To augment the utility side of my operations greatly, I bought the Human Elite (race traitor) freebie perk 'Incredible Wealth' for a hundred Choice, bringing me down to eight-hundred. Sure, money wasn't exactly an issue, since I had largely unlimited resources, a steady supply of food, a home with no bills or taxes (more than one, actually), and more media than I could consume in even a life as long as mine… but money has utility over and above making one secure and comfortable, and as tool, it was practically without equal… if you had the right currency. Incredible Wealth neatly did an endrun around the need for money changes… or working. Effectively, it gave me a constant income that would be directly deposited into my warehouse once every in-jump year… and any money that had been deposited into this 'First Bank of Warehouse' would be automatically converted to the local currency upon withdrawal. That was a most excellent use of points.

I also (after another glitch, stupid machine) snatched up the highest value perks from the Drop-In and Drifter Lines, since both sounded useful. The DI's 'Brainwash-Proof' only cost me four-hundred Choice, but made me immune to alien propaganda and, as expected, made brainwashing me impossible. Resistances were always nice… Immunities sooo much better. The Drifter's 'Hero Sense' cost me another three-hundred, but it was a small price to pay for a kind of sixth-sense for when 'shit' was about to 'hit the fan', allowing me to react accordingly and (at the very least) move in just the right way at just the right time to avoid a backstab, betrayal, ambush, or impending disaster.

That left me with a hundred Choice, which made me hmmm as I stared at the screen with a slightly fixed expression as I ran the numbers in my head. Deciding that I needed more Choice, I tabbed over to the Drawback Section.

This prompted Zane, who was leaning over my shoulder, to ask, "You're not seriously going to take drawbacks, are you?"

To which I replied, "Oh. yes I am!"

Zane, aghast, half-whined, "Whyyyyyy? You've already got every we need!"

"Because, Zane old boy," I said, barely able to keep myself from laughing, "you're coming in with me… plus, this scenario is bean and toast. We need to ramp up the difficulty!" I thrust a fist airward as if declaring my defiance of overly simplistic jumps.

"Nooooo…" he moaned. "Stupid movie is stupid!" I'd subjected him to the entire memory-movie via telepathy, which is both a neat trick and kinda creepy, depending on how one looked at it.

"Zane, that's what I love about you…" I said, patting his hand on my shoulder. "Thousands of years old and you're still a duffus." Of course, sometime early on in Raildex World, I'd hit my 13,000th year as a jumper, and I'd been busy obsessing over plastic miniatures and animal ear hoodies, so I wasn't exactly one to talk, but least hypocrisy has never really bothered me.

Hypocrisy comes in four main flavors: Least, Lesser, Greater, and Greatest. Least is when one teases others affectionately for failings one also possesses, and is largely sardonic. Lesser is when one believes that something is ethically or morally wrong while still doing it one's self. It is one of the humorous and perhaps sad things about humanity that one can be completely ernest in believing, say, that eating meat is ethically wrong, while still being unable to stop oneself from doing so. Greater Hypocrisy was the real trouble, the true evil. That would be when one espoused a belief system that one didn't believe in. Such people were a danger to society; liars, cheats, and bastards the lot of them. But if they were evil, there was a category that was even worse; The Greatest Hypocrite was one who earnestly believed such actions were wrong for others, but perfectly acceptable for themself. Megalomaniacs, tyrants, and madmen, they were the worst of an already bad lot. Such people were, incidentally, the kind of people who belonged to the Human Elite faction.

Zane, not being interested in the nuances of treason or hypocrisy, glowered at me as I selected 'Bollywood Fighting' (+100), because a) hilariously long fights are funny and b) because absolutely no one in this world was going to be stronger than me. He fumed as I picked up 'Sudden Realism' (+200) which promised to add drama… like running out of bullets at the worst possible time. Then he got down right pissed when I took 'They Know' (+400) which would make the Aliens aware of my true identity or at least suspect it in some way, and know what my plans, in general, were.

"I thought we were going for speed run here," he growled.

"We are!" I chirped, unreasonably pleased with myself.

"EssJay!" he snapped. "You just bought the thing that lets the genocidal alien menace know that we're coming to kill them and free the Earth from them!"

"Yeah?" I asked, shrugging. "Good! They will know I encompass their doom!" I growled, no longer chipper. "Fifteen minutes Zane. How fast do you really think an alien race that has to resort to stealth conquest and recruiting collaborators really can get their collective asses into gear? Because I'm betting that the mobilization needed to fight us off is going to take them a whole lot longer than fifteen weeks, let alone minutes. Let's kick this anthill!"

He considered, then asked, "Won't their basic emergency planning slow us down a bit?"

"Really?" I replied, arching an eyebrow as I regarded him. "You've seen the movie. These Alien idiots got taken down by Rowdy Roddy Piper and some sunglasses. We could cakewalk this scenario and be home in time for tea without some conflict."

"I'd actually seen it before. AJ and I caught it on cable in Buffyworld… and you're mental." He sighed. "But I guess you might have a point."

"Yes… well… it's true that I'm mental," I said, waving a hand at all the figurines still decorating far too much of the warehouse. "But of course I have a point. It's right at the tip of my nose." I giggled and stuck my tongue out at him as he harrumphed at me.

With eight-hundred in the bank, I imported Zane for six of that. The Companion Import was silly expensive, but there wasn't much else to buy, to be honest. Even worse than the outrageous cost, the imported companion was limited to whatever choice of background I had taken, so that made Zane a fellow Drifter… almost said fellow traveller, but while my group is remarkably communist, I don't actually support communism. So that got him the 'Situational Sharpness', Bubblegum, and Sunglasses too, and he took the Brainwash-Proof as well (momma didn't raise no dummy), and both of us picked up a useful little perk called 'Hip Fire' with our last two-hundred, which would allow us to aim with and fire rifles or similar weapons from hip level without sacrificing much, if any, accuracy. I mean… I'm a crack sniper and this meant that I could be a reasonably decent sniper firing a sniper rifle from my hip. The word you're looking for is 'Insanity'… also 'Badass'.

So that was that, right? Well, not quite. The damned machine went down the moment that I locked in my build and it was 28 hours before Ahab and Joy could finalize theirs. What the hell was up with these glitches?! Anyway, speaking of the Lady and the Serpent, they came in as Human Elite, partly for the contacts, partly for the fact that Human Elite got not only 'Incredible Wealth' for free, but 100,000 dollars US as starting cash… but no bubblegum… poor them. Once again, I really wanted to throttle whoever had written a jump. Not only was the companion import stupid expensive, but that hundred k that Human Elite got? Yeah, it was an item called, I kid you not, 'L.O.D.S.A.E.M.O.N.E'. Yes, missing the final period in addition to being a lame name. Why not just call it 'Loads o' Money' if you wanted to be… never mind. To make matters so much stupider, it cost four-hundred Choice for anyone other than Human Elite, and was described as 'a small fortune' that automatically converted into the local currency. A hundred k hasn't been a small fortune since 1916! That was the last time the dollar had the effective purchasing power of a late eighties million dollars. A small fortune in the year I left Origin Earth certainly wouldn't be two hundred thousand dollars, which is, effectively, what a hundred thousand in 1988 dollars would be worth in 2015. If it seems like I'm being pedantic, maybe I am, but we were paying real Choice Points or at least sacrificing other options for an amount of money that was supposed to be a useful tool… not a marginally useful chunk of one time change. Still three yearly deposits to the group fund would be nice.

That said, I tried to request clarification… but the system went all buggy again and crashed for another three days. When it came back up, I tried again… and the system injected me straight into the Jump… or kind of.

The world went grey instead of black and there was a sound like the sky being ripped open by a badly tuned chainsaw while flights of peyote addled cherubs screamed the lyrics to every heavy metal song ever recorded through a running blender. As the sound spiked from hideously painful to so loud the atomic structure of my ears was in danger of spontaneous collapse into proto-matter, the world went greenish-orange, then I crashed, hard, into the ground… or rather, the Santa Monica Freeway.

I looked at my hands as I pried myself off the tarmac. I knew this body. I'd spent eleven months in it way back in my first century of jumping. I was back in an 80's action movie for the first time and… I was back in the psyche of Lt. Sam Jones, LAPD, Retired. Five years had passed since I'd left Sam, who'd spent most of those years sitting on his porch and drinking beer and yelling at local gangbangers to get off his lawn.

That had lasted until a recent Earthquake had cracked the foundation of Sam's house, causing a gas line break that had resulted in a massive fireball taking out the entire structure… and then the insurance company had found radon, and in trying to clean it up had uncovered an ancient Indian Burial ground, and so Sam had been rendered homeless as one thing after another kept his… my… home from being rebuilt. I was sixty-nine years old, and the intervening half decade had not made me any less grumpy.

I felt the full force of the drawbacks from the aborted and heavily glitched previous jump reasserting themselves, especially 'Get Off My Lawn!' which had made me cranky as hell, all the time and locked my age at what it was. Twice in a row I was agelocked, just at different ends of the spectrum. Fun! And 'One Riot, One Ranger' meant that I had good reason to be grumpy, since I was always the one who got called when shit needed fixing. It didn't make a lot of sense, but then again… 80's action movies.

However, being in 'They Live!' meant that the third of my old drawbacks make sooo much more sense. 'Suburban Hellhole' had meant that the world was in a sorry state, with wars and crime rampant and guns everywhere and a steady rise in Big Brother type nonsense… not the lame TV show, the surveillance state. Of course, that too fit in entirely with the feel of John Carpenter's weird little cult film.

Thankfully, with the negatives came positives. 'Do You Feel Lucky' (which boosted my intimidation factor while holding a gun, but didn't work on non-punks, non-mooks, or non-civilians), 'One Bullet Left' (which gave me a final round in the chamber of any weapon once I ran out of bullets), 'Beyond the Threshold' (which made me sarcastic, as well as tougher and harder to kill, when being tortured), 'Hidden Talent' (which made me a skilled Sushi Chef), and 'Old Age & Treachery' (which kept me in peak physical condition no matter how old I got… which was good because I was immortal) all came roaring back in full force.

I'd lost them when the glitch that had sent me to Sam's world instead of Bastion had been corrected… but now? Now I was rip-roaring ready to lay down the law as a grumpy, cranky, old fart. I even got my small duffle bag full of mundane tools for any one job. It was called 'The Right Tools for the Job', and the job could change from day to day.

When I'd been here before, my purchasing report had included a single incomprehensible line-item that had, apparently, cost eight-hundred Choice out of the 80s Action budget. There hadn't been a description… but now there was one… once I managed to get back into the Warehouse to check the screen report. It was called 'If it Bleeds', and had nothing to do with the evening news. Rather than being 'If it bleeds, it leads' this was more in the nature of 'if you can make it bleed, you can make it die!'

See, what it did was give me a truly unnatural talent for killing, the ability to kill things that normally didn't, wouldn't, or couldn't die. It didn't grant me any special weapons, nor any other skills, but what it meant was that, in theory, even things like gods and immortal beings would, for some reason, lose their immunity to death while in combat with me. If I could beat them in a fight, a reasonable fair and suitably epic fight at that, I could kill them. Permanently. I couldn't just make a wish to do the deed. There had to be a huge struggle or some dramatic tension… without one of those, it was pretty much guaranteed that I'd messed up, and that I'd very soon have a very angry (and prepared) immortal after me, looking for a rematch and not holding back at all.

So, being Sam wasn't all bad, but I was still cranky as sin and I might have taken it out on the aliens. Thirty-seven minutes. That's how long it took. Thirty-seven dog-be-damned minutes. I wanted my god-damned money back! We took out the 'Alien Threat' in less time than the movie ran. 'Sudden Realism' or not, 'They Know' or not… Thirty-Seven Mother-spanking, Cheese-Eating Surrender-Monkey MINUTES! I didn't know whether to be offended at how easy it had been or annoyed that I'd lost the bet!

I had Zane pull Black Jenny, with AJ in the Assault Shuttle and Petra, Francy, and RayRay in the three Orion fightercraft, out of the dock while I communed with the electron flow of LA with my friendly neighborhood technology. A broadcast of that order was going to be using and beaming a non-metric fuckton of energy. I isolated it, then painted it like a christmas tree, backing up the electron flow to the point where the building was practically giving off Cherenkov radiation and watching as the building simply… came apart at the seams under the quantum pressure. The forcefields my team had bracketing the building pretty much ensured that the only casualties were Aliens, their employees, and sympathizers. Yes, yes. I'm sure some were innocent, but this was a war for the fate of humanity and the planet earth. I would mourn the dead when the planet was safe from the conquering bastards.

We, meaning me and VIvian, isolated the other regional control broadcast centers one-by-one, using their unique (and standardized) broadcast signature, taking them out with precision power surges. They weren't as hardened as the main LA base had been, and all I wanted to do was take down the illusion grid. It was important to leave behind some seriously terrified alien assholes and their human sympathizers along with the evidence of how they'd been doing whatever it had been that they were doing.

Alien ships started lifting off from all over the planet, but my comrades were up there in high orbit, blasting the skull-faced gits to kingdom come like some bizzaro inversion of space-invaders. Meanwhile the Bosses were capturing alien techs and storing them for interrogation.

"You realize we just took all the fun out of this?" Zane commented as he commed me once the initial exodus had been vaporized.

"Zane, old boy. I did no such thing," I replied, glowering at him, "I added fun! I didn't subtract it!"

He snorted, then asked, "Okay? How do you figure?"

"Look, the reality of the setting is that the movie took an hour and a half to cover the events of a week or so. Even assuming RRP wasn't around to bring down the mess, we could scarcely do worse than half-rate rebels led by a day laborer. We were always going to take down the aliens in a month or two tops… unless we fucked off to the forest and went camping for a year. Now the real fun begins."

"What fun?" he asked, brow furrowed.

"Society is about to collapse," I said, half grinning. "There are going to be wars, there are going to be purges and witch trials and six kinds of fucked upness. That's why I took 'Sudden Realism'. I wanted the world to react like… well… like the entire planetary leadership and most of the corporations and celebrities were either alien or alien conspirators. And… if we're incredibly lucky… the aliens will try and come back!" I bit the end of my cigarette off. "And we'll make them get off our god damned LAWN!"

Spoiler Alert. They did come back. Double Spoiler Alert, cloaked mines. Boom. Triple Spoiler Alert… I reverse engineered their teleport watches. Interesting. Portal tech… fairly sophisticated. Doubted it would work in other universes, but I stored it back in the data-banks just in case, then we stepped through onto an Alien World. Did some sightseeing, checked out the local hotspots, met interesting people… and killed them. Did some readings of the night sky, leveled a few major cities, stepped back through the gate. They didn't have FTL. They used gates… gates with relays. Relays linked with quantum entangled bits, FTL Coms, creating and linking portals. All of it spread from a central hub-world via nearly-light-speed drone-ships.

Good system… vulnerable as hell… and they used ion drives… nice… but no match for my assault shuttle, let alone the Jenny… I should write a book… 'How to Bring Down a Trans-Stellar Colonial Empire in Four Easy Steps!'. I loved every minute of it… especially the loads of battles that went on for too damned long. Best Drawbacks ever!

Oh, and Earth? Soooo fucking messed up when we left! Seriously! Think Africa after the colonial powers pulled out… on a global scale. Inner me wanted to do something about it… but Joy pointed out, and rightly so, that these people had just come through an era of being told what to do by aliens. Outer me just wanted everyone to go fuck themselves. And we were, appearances aside, just more aliens.

So we left them to it. All the petty squabbling and bitchery… let them worry about it… it was their birthright after all. Though I did have Joy issue a firm blanket statement than anyone who tried to turn this into an excuse to conquer or commit genocide or other atrocities would find themselves and or their countries experiencing the full brunt of Big Sister's wrath. Big Sister was my anti-alien defense grid, and while I wasn't going to become the world leader pretend, but, at least for the next eight years and change, that Earth was under my protection… and that meant from enemies within and without.

Want to know the worst thing about 'They Earth'? All the movies sucked… and there weren't any good figmas… I checked. And no damned internet… even the videogames sucked… if I hadn't been busy killing Skullhead Aliens and drinking too much, I might have gone stir crazy. Sure sure. I got a lot of tech-work done… but all work and no challenge? Not for me. I was seriously hoping that the next jump would be a bit more… substantive.

"The new VMoD has been installed," VIvian announced the fourth morning after They Live ended. I'd been waiting for that, since I had some business that I'd wanted to speak to the Banker about… assuming the machine was working properly. Of course, there was a slight delay when I found out what the next jump was.

Sometimes the boss is too nice to me. I know, many of you will disagree, but when I heard that theme song playing on the VMoD, I squealed. I love Sorkin. Best dialogue writer of the late twentieth century… or maybe tied with Mamet, but with much nicer themes. I may have started singing.

"EssJay…" Velma queried, "Why are you singing West Side Story?"

I laughed, then continued dancing about and belting, "Because it's so nice to be in America! Okay by me in America, Everything's Free in America!" I grabbed her and dipped her, not easy as I'm shorter than her, even if I am significantly stronger.

"Yes yes…" she giggled, struggling to keep from falling, "For a small fee… but-"

I didn't let her finish. "In Amer-Eee-Kaaa!"

"Look, you insane goofball," she said, bapping me on the head, "The cabinet says West Wing, not West Side Story."

"Yeah, well…" I shrugged, "It could be West Wing Side Story."

Zane, watching from nearby, snorted at the idiocy. "You don't even like West Side Story…" he pointed out. "It's based on Romeo and Juliet, which you also don't like."

Looking over, I retorted, "I like the Baz Luhrmann version. It's bonkers. Sure, the ending still sucks, but in a kinda funny over the top way. Everyone in the BL version is just… insane, so it doesn't seem real, you know? It's not played for tragedy, but more for schadenfreude."

Zane rolled his eyes, as he tends to do when I get professorial. "Fine… I don't remember it."

I righted Velma, then grinned. "Come on… we'll watch it now. We probably have a copy in the archives."

"Joooy," he drawled.

"She can't help you, dogboy," the master spy said from where she was climbing the artificial rockface without safety ropes. We have anti-grav for a reason.

"I wasn't asking for help, I was being sarcastic," he growled.

"Sardonic," Velma corrected.

He frowned at her, then grumbled, "Shadupic."

Clearing the combative vibe, I chirped, "Anyway, I love West Wing. It's all about how awesome politics could be!"

"For ten years? Politics?" Zane whined, "For ten years?!"

I laughed, then ruffled his head. "Awww… is the big Lucario crying?"

"Nooo," he pulled away petulantly. "Shadup… You're crying."

"Very mature," Kendra teased her boytoy.

"I may be 13,000 years old, but I can be as immature as I want to be," he said with a disdainful sniff.

"I acknowledge your right," I said, "But we still are going to be politicos for 10 years… or at least I am. If you're very nice, you can be my secretary."

"Oh?" He brightened. "Would that entail any combat?"

"No." I smirked, "Your task would be to bring me the finest muffins and bagels in the land… and answer the phone."

"Noooo…." he cried in his best Darth Vader impression, then sobered up and finished with a curt "Way."

"But you'd look cute in a skirt!" I said, grinning wickedly.

"Not listening," he yelled, covering his ears with his hands.

So, while being pointedly not listened too by Zane, I walked over to the VMoD and pressed the infobox icon at the top of the screen. As the West Wing Logo was replaced with a pulldown menu, I tapped 'Purchase Clarification and Random Complaints'.

The screen cleared again, this time replaced with the words, "How are you going to make my existence difficult today?"

"Got four questions, oh mighty Banker… iffin it please your munificence," I snarked.

"Questions. Always questions. Why can't you jumpers simply read conceptual symbols?"

"Hey, you want to give me the gift of perfect understanding, I'll take it any day, buddy banker. But until then, stop complaining."

"Very well. Ask." I could feel the annoyance behind those plain, emotionless words.

I ticked them off on my fingers as I spoke to the machine, my companions silent in the background. "First, Situational Sharpness says that 'I will never lose my cool and look like a badass in the process.'… Can I assume that that 'never' only applies to the first clause? Because if it doesn't, it means I will never look like a badass in the process of not losing my cool."

"Ugh. Yes. It means that you won't lose your cool unless you want to, and when you choose not to lose your cool, you will look like a badass. Is that better?"

"Yup. All good. Next… How similar to a rifle does a weapon have to be to use with Hip Fire? Is a Pistol close enough? how about a crossbow? Slingshot? Minigun?"

"It has to be a man-portable range-weapon that can be fired entirely using one hand and no other part of the body."

"What about my eyes?"

"Trained on target and fired using no other part of the body besides a sensory organ."

"Does it have to be an organ that generates the sense?"

The screen shivered with what I took to be frustration, then finally printed, "… or similar… anything else?"

"Does it have to be from my hip?"

"Meaning?"

"What about between my legs? or behind my back? or-"

"Any position you can possibly assume, as long as one of your senses is capable of sensing the location of the target and you have the capacity to train the weapon directly at the target using any means of doing so!" The screen flashed crimson. "Are you satisfied?!"

"Cool… now… the Incredible Wealth perk and LOD… the lots and lots of money item… Incredible Wealth cost 100, and Loads of Money costs 400… Loads of Money says it gives 100,000 USD… the implication would be that Incredible Wealth gives a fraction of that. Sorry, but a hundred k is not a 'small fortune' and, what, twenty-five hundred dollars a year is not Incredible Wealth… it's barely enough to cover rent on a decent apartment for a month."

"We have no conception of money. It is meaningless to us," the screen said, "As such, we rely upon the judgement of our Constructors, who are native to your state of existence, to put such things into perspective. Are you casting doubt upon the Constructor of the They Live Jump?"

"Yes. Yes I am. The implication of the pricing of those two line-items implies that Incredible Wealth is, at most, worth a quarter of the value of Loads of Money, since they come from the same background. Since LoM's value is pegged at a hundred thousand United States Dollars circa 1988, that means that IW's value is pegged at most at twenty-five thousand spread across a decade. Incredible Wealth in the eighties would be tens of millions of dollars, or an income at least a million a year. That should mean that LoM should be worth at least forty-million per jump… probably more, since the higher value line-items are seldom linear in power growth."

"Reviewing…" the screen said. "Baseline from other jumps seems to, to a degree, support your conclusion. Very well. Incredible Wealth's financial income has been pegged to 1,040,000 USD circa 2015 per year, or rather 20,000 USD per week of a standard Earth Year. LODSAMONE is pegged to be 25,000,000 USD circa 2015 per jump, with a provision that says that making more money will always be possible. Your Warehouse Bank has been credited with 98,600,000 USD from two counts of LODSAMONE and a further 6,090,000 from three counts of Incredible Wealth. Does this satisfy your concerns?" "Not as much as I'd like, but I'm certain we'll cope," I agreed. "We have a question for you then," the screen said, turning a lime green. "If you are willing to answer."

"Go for it," I said, leaning back, curious.

"The proto-jump… the one you call Pokemon Trainer… It starts with 50,000 Pokebucks. We have asked our Constructors, who tell us that this amounts to roughly five hundred dollars, and does not constitute enough to live on for more than two or three months in the Pokeworld… It amounts to, what one of them called it, Touring Japan on 5 dollars a day… something that that individual stated was effectively impossible, since Japan is one of the most expensive tourist destinations on your home world. Why did you not complain about this then?"

"Three reasons, really," I said, thinking way, way, way back. "First, I was a little overwhelmed by being, you know… in another world. Second, it didn't dawn on me how incredibly valuable Choice Points were back then. Third, I wasn't really thinking long term at that point. I didn't even know it would respawn at the start of the next jump. So, sure, it was a waste of points, and I burned through it really fast and had to survive on other sources of income… but I was having fun and not worrying too bad. But yeah… funds were tight for a while. But those were early days. You called it the proto-jump… did you do that because it was my first… or the first?" "In each reality, once the media system reaches a certain critical level, we send an inspiration to the local sophonts. One of them will eventually become the first local Constructor. The first for your world was called Arthur Quicksilver. He constructed the first few jumps for us and gathered many of the subsequent Constructors under his banner." "There are others who aren't under his… banner?" I asked. "Indeed. There have been several schisms, and Arthur has largely distanced himself from the first group, though they claim his imprimatur still. They routinely claim superiority over the less numerous, younger factions of Constructors." "Weird," I said, "Having a hard time imagining it… must be like religions battling over dogma to a certain degree. That said, if you want to retcon Pokebucks, I won't complain." "Processing…" the screen said. "Currently, you have the following sources of Choice-backed Income;

Pokebucks: 50,000 per jump

Conflict Materials: Massive Batch per jump

Burstone Fragments: 1,000 per Jump

Fire Nation Yen: 4,500,000… A comfortable 10 Years worth

Golden Dragons: 700 per Jump

Lien: 800,000 per Jump… stated to be enough for 16 month's rent.

Wealth Income: 20,000 USD per week

Loads of Money: 50,000,000 USD per Jump.

"Does that match your accounting?" the screen asked.

"To be honest, since almost all of that isn't usable anywhere besides its source nation or melted down in the case of the gold dragons or sold in the case of the elements? I haven't really been tracking it. Hell, I haven't even ever looked at how much was in that Conflict Materials cache… it just said Massive Stash and I turned it over to my procurement people." I swiveled on my stool. "VIvian. How much do we have in various currency?! And how much was in that cargo pod?"

The great cherry tree shivered, then stated, "We have 1,890,000 Pokebucks, including the two-hundred and forty-thousand Pokebucks you had in your backpack at jump end. Add to that four-point-five million Fire Nation Yen, fifty-six hundred Golden Dragons from the period just prior to the Birth of the Empire, and four-point-eight million Lien. Your cache of burstones contains twenty-five thousand burstones accumulated from jump renewal, and a further sixty-three thousand burstones accumulated from all the things you've smashed over the last few millennia. As for your Conflict materials, each cargo pod contains five hundred kilos of Element Zero, five tons of various rare earth elements, twenty-five tons of heavy metals, fifty tons of light metals, and eighty tons of gases."

She had rattled off the numbers without emotional weight, so it took me a moment to process that last… that had been thirty jumps ago. I had forty-eight hundred tons of rare elements just filling up a corner of my docking bay? "… VIvian… how much… what elements are in those containers?"

In a completely business-like tone, she replied, "In addition to the fifteen tons of Element Zero, there are thirty tons each of plutonium-239, thorium-232, samarium, polonium-210, and uranium-235; a hundred and fifty tons each of mercury, gold, iridium, platinum, and palladium; three hundred tons each of lithium, cobalt, titanium, magnesium, and beryllium; and twelve hundred tons of xenon and helium-3."

I choked. Zane choked. Joy choked. Ahab started laughing, and there was more than a little histeria in that laughter.

Zane was the first to recover. "That's a fucking lot of gold! We're riiich!"

Kendra smacked him upside the head. "We already were rich! It's a lot of Platinum and Palladium too."

Joy just shook her head "That's nothing. The Plutonium is going to be worth at least ten times that much. I hope the shielding is good on those cases."

Velma gasped. "VIvian? Are the radioactive elements undergoing decay?" That… was a very good question.

"Not as far as I am able to detect," VIvian said calmly.

The screen cleared, then stated, "All elements are guaranteed to the highest standard of purity and exist in quantum stasis until each individual cargo pod is opened. Further, because this Personal Reality is equipped with the Eternalizer, radioactive decay cannot happen unless the substance is exempted from the anti-aging field."

I sighed. That was excellent news. The Plutonium was, kilo for kilo, the most valuable substance in most settings I'd be going to… Though, to be honest, the H3 was far more useful and even though it was only, kilo for kilo, about three-fifths the value of Plutonium in the pre-fission world of West Wing, there was many many times the kilos… forty-times as many, in fact. Though H3 was stable, unlike any element of Plutonium… I had no idea there was so much… or how much any of it was actually worth, since these were commodity metals, not actual cash.

The screen cleared, then asked, "Do you desire all future funds from these sources to be converted directly into United States Dollars for purposes of accounting?"

"Uh… not the Burstones… I use those to make Cores… though I clearly need to do that more. VIvian, establish an automation protocol for Burstone Core Production. As for the Conflict Materials… no. They have other uses, and if I really need funds, I can probably just find a buyer… though I'll have to be careful not to crash the global markets. As for the Dragons, Yen, and Lien… oh, and Pokebucks. Yes please. How much are they actually worth?"

The screen stated, "Pokebucks are valued at 90 to the american dollar. 1,890,000 Pokebucks are thus $21,000, with another $555.56 per jump. Based on an average major city rent of 2,000 US Dollars for a one bedroom apartment, 50,000 Lien is deemed to be worth $2,000. $22 dollars a day for eating out for a single person also seems within reason according to the data-web. That converts the Lien on-hand to $96,000 and another $16,000 per jump."

"Well… both of those are chump-change," Zane commented, and there was a general grunt of agreement. $117,000 was less than six weeks income for a single one of our three Incredible Wealths. As for the $16,555 and 56 cents per jump… that worked out to just under thirty-one dollars and eighty-four cents a week. As a group, that wouldn't even pay for the amount of coffee we drank.

The screen continued, "The Yen is stated to be enough for one to live on comfortably for five years, and there were two purchases of it. An article found on the public databanks states that comfortable income is $80,000 dollars per annum, though it did not state if that was before or after taxes, which are, apparently a state sponsored form of either theft or cooperative cost sharing, depending on who is asking. Thus, ten years is $800,000, and that, over thirteen jumps, converts to a lump sum of $10,400,000."

"That's a bit more like it!" Zane commented, then grunted. "Oh… that's a one time? That's not much… Vel… what are we upto a jump?"

"Eighty-two million, sixteen-thousand, five-hundred fifty-five and change. But there's still the Golden Dragons from Westeros," she said.

The Banker, being very very Bankish, stated, "The Golden Dragons, of which you gain seven-hundred per jump, and based on an estimated income value of $80,000 per Dragon when converted from Westerosi to British Pounds Sterling at the time of the War of the Roses, which is said to have inspired A Song of Ice and Fire, then updated to 2015 Pounds and converted to Dollars, have a per jump income value of $56,000,000, and the lump sum, for eight jumps is $448 Million. Do you have any issues with these calculations?"

I opened my mouth to literally jew up the amount we gained from the Lien and Yen and Pokebucks… but realistically… what was I going to do? Demand an even hundred-forty million instead of $138,016,555.56?… ah, what the hell.

"Banker, do you object to making the future total $250,000 dollars a week?" I asked. That was actually sacrificing about $15,416 a week, but I had my reasons.

"That would grant you significantly more if a jump were to run longer," the screen said. "Processing… That is acceptable. Your bank will be credited a quarter million USD every Sunday that you spend in jump. Are there any further clarifications needed?"

"Mmmm… nope. All good. Though Friday is typically payday, so Thursday night would be better."

"That is acceptable," the screen flashed. "Close of Business Thursday." Totally a Banker.

"Thanks boss," I said, then tapped the Personal Reality button when the screen cleared. I had a hundred Warehouse Points and knew exactly what I wanted to buy with them. It was a shame we couldn't use our ridiculous cash on hand to buy groceries from the PR's Food Supply, but then again, the food supply just kind of came from out of the blue, and we could get fresh food from anywhere. Of course, most of what we used it for these days was hard to find stuff in whatever locale we were in… like Lion bars in Japan, or Asari gogeberries anywhere that wasn't Mass Effect. Mmm… Gogeberry ice-cream… nomnomnom.

As I confirmed purchase of the Central Control upgrade, giving the authorization to integrate VIvian with the system rather than install the Smart Pseudo-Intelligent Computer System that the purchase came with, Zane leaned over my shoulder and asked, "What's this?"

"It's a system that allows VIvian to track the location and condition of any and all objects brought into the Warehouse. She'll also be able to recall any of you if I tell her to… or you get your idiot selves killed. She'll even be able to open any door out there in the real world that we've used an Access Key on, if I let her."

"Any door?" he asked, "Even ones in previous realities?"

"No. not them. Not unless we use the Return Door."

"Why don't we?"

"Why don't we what?"

"Use the Return Door? It's been thirty-three jumps… well, for you I mean. Thirty-one for me… and you don't use it."

I considered, then shuddered a little, hugging myself. "I…" I took a deep breath and steadied myself. I could have used my perks to quash my emotions on this, but I really didn't like doing that… it was like cheating. "Look… if I do that… and… and the first place I go isn't back to get Jason… what does that say about me?" I asked, referring to the son I'd left behind in the PotterVerse.

"It says that you're human," Velma said, patting my other shoulder.

Zane grunted in agreement. "Yeah. I mean. You weren't ready to be a mom then."

"When will I be?" I asked, throwing my hands upward in a gesture of pure self-frustration. "And how can I face my son and say, 'Yeah… see, kiddo… I know it doesn't seem like a while since I dumped you with that jagg-off Snape'… what the hell was I thinking there?… and I know I should have come back for you… but I had to swing by the BuffyVerse to flirt with Spike and CivVerse to check on my Maegi and get a sonic screwdriver… Sorry?"

"You're thinking about this too much," Zane said. "He's frozen in time. He won't know, and he's not going to care how many stops you made! You left him behind because you were afraid. He'll either forgive you or not."

"Afraid of what?" Velma asked.

"We'd just come out of our second major war," I said, sighing. "And before that I'd killed a lot of gang-bangers in the Infamous Jump… I was not doing well, emotionally speaking."

"PTSD?" she asked. I nodded and she hugged me. "I'd say you did the right thing… but you've had centuries to deal with that now… surely you're better? You had loads of kids as the Maegi Kingpriests, right?"

"I guess?" I said. "But I only remember that as fact, not emotionally, you know? It's distant. I think I pushed those personas back further than most because they weren't as much me as my other jump memories are… and there are so many of them. I think I was afraid they'd overwhelm me."

"Understandable. Well, if you do decide to go back for Jason, I promise to treat him as if he were my son too," she assured me.

I patted her hand. "Thanks Red."

"I can be a cool uncle," Zane offered. "Well… I can be a fun uncle," he corrected as Kendra snorted at the idea that Zane was 'cool'.

All the bookkeeping finished, I finally loaded the actual details of the West Wing Jump on the VMoD. "Can you work with some of the brightest people in the world? Can you last where so many have failed? Can you survive the crucible of American Politics for ten years?" the screen asked. "You have to have a job as a major political player or be running a major presidential campaign at all times. You have a 30 day grace period, if you decide to quit your current job (or get fired) to find another job or a candidate to run for the presidency… oh… and don't think you can go flashing your nifty superpowers here. The Secret Service gets upset when they find Shoggoths in the Press Pool. You begin, of course, in Washington DC, in August of 1999, the first year of the Bartlet Presidency… and the day he rode his bicycle into a tree."

I laughed at that. I will always remember watching the first episode with my… my… there was someone there… it was important… hrrr… why couldn't I remember? I shook my head, and the confusion cleared as the memory faded. Good times. Good times.

I rolled the Presidential Die of Aging and found out I was 28. The Drop-In option was cool, based off of and working with Charlie Young, President Bartlett's aide. The Senior Staff option was the Hard Mode, but I'd get to work with Leo, CJ, Josh, Sam, and Toby… World Class people doing World Class jobs… The Press Corp option I dismissed; I didn't feel the need to Clark Kent it up by playing Lois Lane, Ace Reporter… but there's no way I could pass up the 'Sir John Marbury' option… Ambassador, even at a cost of two-hundred Choice, was just too cool for School House Rock.

The British Ambassador, Sir John, might not have been a major character, but in his few appearances, he was both amusing and sage in turn, an eccentric and alcoholic who absolutely dominated every scene he was in. "Thank God They Sent For Me!" I said, chuckling as I quoted a line Sir John had actually said.

I was now an ambassador to the US, a distinguished (in theory) and potentially influential individual, with responsibilities reaching further than I really could fathom at the moment. I'd never been an ambassador before. Whether I decided to take my job seriously and work toward improved international relations, goof off and drink all the President's beer, or to help as much as I offended, I was bound to have an interesting time in the world of West Wing.

On the plus side, if I did my job well, I could probably prevent one or more major political snafus or crises… and people would (in general) be afraid to tell me off, what with me (in theory) having the backing of an entire nation, presumably one with a sizable military. On the downside, when and if the White House did summon me, it would mean that they almost certainly had a major problem at hand, one they'd be expecting me to fix.

Of course, one couldn't be an ambassador without a nation to represent (and one to represent that nation to… but that side was already taken care of). Britain already had an ambassador, and his job was harder than he made it look, and the text pretty much said that being the DPRK Ambassador (North Korea) would be a bad idea… not that I'd want to be from that hellhole. Oh! There was a list! Hmmm… I flipped through the options… Israel? Too small… Japan? Not quite uptight enough to land that gig… Ditto China. India might be cool, but I don't actually know that much about India. Sinnoh… wait, what the fuck?

Ambassador from Sinnoh? The Asari? Lothlorien? What in the name of Chuck Lorre? I clicked the infobox and a text tip said, in small letters, "If your embassy is populated with supernatural creatures that would be viewed as normal people in another universe you've visited, they don't count as supernatural and don't panic society. You could be that embassy's ambassador, if you want." I considered that, then chuckled… Sure, why the hell not.

"I hereby anoint myself Her Excellency, Silence Jumper of the House Infernape, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary from the Sovereign Nation of Poketopia to the United States of America, Court of Eagles!" I said, make my nano-clothing shift to a woman's tuxedo and sash of office. My form shivered as my Infernape form became the default for the jump. "Note to self, do not burn down the White House with my hair."

My transformation wasn't the only one, however. There came a chorus of astonished outcries from around the Warehouse as my Pokecompanions reverted to their original forms en masse. Within moments, I was surrounded by old faces… though (rather oddly) they were all dressed in clothing, even RayRay, who looked… strange… in a suit, what with the whole 'no-limbs, giant snake monster' thing. Petra had leg-skirts and a hat. Dyna, Zane, Francy, and AJ were wearing fairly normal suits, though Francy's was more a skirt-suit. Ziggy just had a big ribbon round his neck. They all looked like they'd been dressed by a professional wardrobe department.

Once I settled everyone down and assured them that this was all copacetic, I turned back to the machine and asked, "Okay. What's Next?"

Heh… well, apparently, What's Next was what was next. A universally free perk, 'What's Next?' allowed the user to carry on highly technical conversations about policy or philosophy, plan what they were going to say in an upcoming meeting, and quip to nearby colleagues all at the same time without losing their train of thought. It was essentially a decent, low-level mental multitasking, that came with the ability to power walk without breaking a sweat. Time would tell if it could keep me from losing track of what I'd been saying. Two perfect memory perks still hadn't been able to do that. I still got so tangled in tangents that it would take me several seconds of replaying my memories to remember what my original point had been some times.

As for 'What's Next', it was a shame I couldn't share that with my staff, since there wasn't actually a companion import option, aside from just making everyone my embassy staff, but that didn't come with any perks or whatnot. It did come with a background, since Poketopia had to be created wholesale out of my imagination. I could feel the VMoD sorting through my subconscious, asking a thousand different worldbuilding questions and, no doubt, sorting through the multiverse for something that matched… or maybe aging an entire universe into existence custom grown for that specific world. I had no idea what the limits of the Banker's power was.

As for 'What's Next', at least Joy and Ahab would get it. They weren't Pokemon, but they'd be swapping in and out as my Human Protocol Officer. As soon as the system dinged as ready, I entered my Pokecompanions one by one into the system to see how they'd be naturalized as citizens of Poketopia.

Rayray du Legendaire was to be my driver (from the former French Quarter of Poketopia) apparently. Francine alAkazam was my intelligence officer (and apparently there were muslim Pokemen). A.J. Gallade y Gardevoir my charge d'affaire / attache and from the former Spanish Quarter). Dyna des Oxydes was my bodyguard, also French. Petra van Metagross, from the Dutch Quarter, was my secretary slash personal assistant, and Zane Lucario, from the English Quarter, would be my head of security. Ziggy would be Ziggy.

Stats and figures were already pouring into my head about the trade balance, balance of power, debt ratios… "Christ…" I muttered, eyes widening, "Poketopia is a military powerhouse, but our industry is for shit… and the crime rate is a real problem!" A map came to my head… Poketopia was Lemuria… well, smaller, but… it was right in the middle of the Indian Ocean… about a third the size of India… population 216 million.

Humans were second class citizens, but they still had higher social standing than 'Commons'. Great! A caste system! Lovely! (/sarcasm) We had a government of 'Starters' and a landed gentry of 'Legendaries' although 'Ubers' (also called 'Demi-Legendaries') had made significant inroads over the course of the twentieth century, and now made up a growing class of wealthy and influential up-and-comers who were granted special legal exemptions due to their support of the government. Below them were the 'Rares' and 'Uncommons', who made up the vast majority of the enfranchised population. Most of them were second or third evolves… oh, and we definitely had a Rare Candy problem among them.

The country was divided into eighteen states, though almost all Starters come from only three of those states (the highly volcanic Aesh, the largely jungle Esev, and the mostly submerged Mayim), though there was one Starter family from each of Hushi, Offel, and Kerach, and two from Hashmal. I blinked… rifling through my memories… Ah… the names of the States were in Hebrew, oddly enough… and, aside from the House Raichu, all the non-Aesh, Esev, and Mayim Starters belonged to the Eevee Tribe… who were hated and feared since no one knew how their highly fragmented Starter Houses would vote… or even what they'd be when they grew up.

The nation itself had been partly colonized by the French, Dutch, British, Spanish, and Portuguese, then invaded by Japan during the Second World War before being liberated by the United States Navy. Since that time, the country had firmly been militaristic, proclaiming that Poketopia would be Collected No More! That was the mantra of the ruling elite, and Poketopia had actually invaded several smaller nations… and India… to stop trade in our people as pets, slaves, or (most heinously) food. That had led to a great deal of tension with China, as their blackmarket did big business in our body parts. We also had a troubling reputation for being a sexual-tourism destination, though Pokeranches and Eggfarms were both legal in Poketopia… Thankfully, we never produced crossbreeds with humans, right?

I did find it fascinating that there were seven… wait, seven? Huh… Sun & Moon weren't even out when I left Origin Earth, Starter Houses from each of the big three states. In August of 1999… hmmm… I don't think there were more than the original four Starters… ah… that had to be why. I was an Infernape… and Zane was a Lucario. We came from later generations, thus more generations… and why stop at just what was published then? Time was, in theory, frozen back home until I returned or decided not to, but when I'd left, most of the work for Sun & Moon had to have been finished already.

I shook my head to refocus; I'd gone too far afield inside my head. Back to the Perks.

'I Suppose It's Possible I was Drunk' was free for Ambassadors (and awesome!). Ever wanted everyone to treat you like a distinguished guest, whether or not you were actually playing the part? Ever wanted permission to act as zany, quirky, whimsical, and occasionally offensive behind closed doors, and have it come off as charm rather than a lack of respect for the presidency? 'I Suppose' was just that! Carte blanche to treat the executive branch… and any similar governmental branches in future jumps… like they were full of old roomates from my college days and nobody would mind… as long as I wasn't actively being an asshole… and it didn't stop other people from acting like assholes… but when they did, it would be entirely on them for screaming at me to act my age and not my shoesize!

Hah! This was awesome! I was an Exiled Princess and a Drunkard! "Courts of future worlds, beware! You will love me for my eccentricities… I have poses for days of the week!" I cackled madly as Ziggy and I did my pose for Sunday, the wobble gorilla.

I had to take 'Diplomatic Immunity' (which really should have been the freebie, but what can you do?) because I totally had to. It was a Moral Imperative… opps. mixing my references. Ha! I have immunity, can't touch me! Anyway, it was a hundred-and-fifty Choice and meant that scandals and mishaps would go out of their way to avoid me. I could hang around the White House, talk regularly with the President and his staff, and find myself sans subpoena when it was later revealed that he had been hiding a degenerative illness. It might not sound like much, but if I wasn't looking for trouble, trouble wouldn't come looking for me… though, to be honest, I was sooo going to abuse the shit out of it.

Parking Tickets? Me? I'm sorry, I have Diplomatic Immunity. Kleptomania? I'm sorry, I have Diplomatic Immunity. Talk to the State Department. Sure, that was the legal version, which I'd have either way, but the Perk Version practically guaranteed that if I decided to lay low in a future jump, drawbacks willing, I could and that would (most likely) be the end of it. Not sure there will ever be a jump like that… but better Immune than sorry, I always say.

The Ambassadorial Capstone 'Lucid Moments' wasn't the most powerful thing ever, but the ability to get my point across using philosophy or history rather than polling data and political clout… to the level of defeating the likes of Leo McGarry in private debate? Yeah that would be worth it! I'd enjoy watching the shock on my opponents' faces as I destroyed their arguments by waxing philosophical about the nuclear arms race… Okay, I wasn't certain that it was worth three-hundred Choice, but it wasn't bad… plus, I loved the idea of being a koan quoting Firemonkey. Dispensing wisdom and wisecracks and drinking all the whisky.

That took care of the must haves in Perks, but in the realm of Gear was 'The Rolodex' for another three-hundred. It was the holy grail of political tools, a listing of contact information and addresses and alternate methods of contact for, well, everyone. The President, the Chief of Staff, the Paramount Leader of the Chinese People, or the Indian Sub-Cabinet Member for Water Reclamation in Kashmir… cellphones, pagers, vacation homes, aide's cellphone numbers, mistress's numbers… and it updated automatically with each new jump!" Oh, I was sooo going to abuse that pretty little thing.

And among the other items… the one thing I'd been hoping was available for purchase, was 'The Finest Muffins and Bagels', which took my last fifty Choice. Not only did it give me the number of every fast food and coffee place in DC, it gave me a federal account to put purchases on. That account would follow me to to future jumps as long as anything like a fast food or coffee place existed there. An unlimited restaurant, bistro, and cafe expense account? As they say… Gravy.

I could have stopped there, but at its heart, West Wing was both drama and comedy… I needed Zany Wackiness. And that meant pointless complications. Complications like 'Big Block of Cheese Day', 'I Had Woot Canal' and ' '. Each of them were based on some of the more goofy elements of the show, but had just the right level of verisimilitude to make them believable.

On the annual Big Block of Cheese Day… and yes, there were more than one, since they featured in 'The Crackpots and These Women' and 'Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail'… why yes, I was a huge fan of the show… Leo McGarry, as the White House Chief of Staff, would open the doors of the White House to groups that might otherwise have trouble being heard… like advocates for Map Reform, UFO conspiracy theorists, fringe environmentalists, and anti-free trade radical leftists. Occasionally those meeting would be enlightening (the Organization of Cartographers for Social Equality made several good points), but mostly they were pointless and deeply frustrating to the staffers, and amusing to the viewers… but they also showed just how far reaching the realm of politics is and just how busy the staff of the West Wing really was. Hell, the Obama administration had done it twice, in real life… though they used social media… man, what it would be like to go home after doing West Wing and be all, "Mr. President, I love the suit!"

Anyway, even though I wasn't going to actually be a staffer, the drawback (which was worth zero Choice), Leo would find a way to include me in the 'festivities'… probably as a kind of revenge. It wasn't worth anything but laffs, but interesting laffs.

Woot Canal, which was worth a hundred Choice, meant that once a year I'd be faced with an annoying family or medical emergency that would make my job very difficult for three or four days… during which time my staff would helpfully and over confidently offer to do my job for me. Nothing terrible would come of it, but cleaning up the mess wouldn't be fun. Sure, it sounded like it would be frustrating in the short term, but as a memory? It would be amusing to look back on, and those were the best memories. Well, good memories. The best were the most meaningful.

was a play on , which was a fairly creepy internet fanclub dedicated to Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman. His interactions with them had dominated the episode 'The US Poet Laureate'. "The people on these sites, they're the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," according to Press Secretary CJ Cregg and the idea of my own personal creepy Internet Fanclub was amusing. Further, since they'd pretty much only cause a PR disaster if I actually talked, it was essentially a hundred free Choice points. Plus, if I got bored, I could just give the press corp a field day, and rely on 'It's Possible I was Drunk' to defuse the situation. It was practically a twofer!

With the two-hundred extra Choice, I promptly picked up the items 'Sharp-Dressed Closet' and 'Armored Limousine' and the perk 'Jack of All Trades' for fifty, fifty, and a hundred respectively. SDC was good, because one can have all the political capital in the world, and it wouldn't matter because pretty much no one will take you seriously if you're dressed like a wizard or magical girl. The limo was one build for a head of state and would show up to whisk me wherever I wanted in style, driven by either the US Secret Service or my home nation's intelligence service. Not only was having my own diplomatic limo a bonus for comfort, it was a huge status symbol. Showing up looking good and in an armored stretch with flags-a-flutter? Hard to beat that for gravitas.

As for Jack? Well, life in the West Wing (or politics in general) wasn't predictable. One day you might be briefing the press, the next you're caring for a wild turkey. Seriously, that happened to CJ. Jack of All Trades would give me the ability to roll with the punches, learning enough on the go to avoid seriously messing something up until someone else can take over.

And that was my purchases. Ahab & Joy took Senior Staff… which came with 'I Work With The Smartest People in the World', a level of skill comparable with that of a graduate from a top college in one field of politics. Ahab went Law. Joy? Geopolitical Engineering. I didn't even know that was a thing. They also got a 'Red Rubber Ball' to bounce off things and make them more creative… one each.

A bouncing rubber ball at all hours of the day and night… especially in high stress situations. I was going to have to shoot one of them before this jump was up. I just knew it… but still, with my snazzy new suits and my classy new Limo and my shiny new Diplomatic Immunity, I dropped into the world of 'The West Wing'.

INSERTION

This is how Day One went. Sam Seaborn, President Bartlett's senior speechwriter, slept with a Call Girl without knowing it, Josh Lyman, who I've mention was Deputy Chief-of-Staff, insulted some holy rollers, and several thousand Cuban refugees in makeshift boats were caught in a stormfront off the southern coast of Florida… There was no way I could help with problem one or two, these were both done deals by the time the jump began, and would be resolved with only minor fallout… at least in the short term…, but I could offer to help with refugees.

White House security didn't blink as I entered the building without bothering with a visitor's pass, didn't twitch as I passed under the Ditto-Sensor and through the metal detector, and didn't even try to stop me as I swept passed the Marine honor guard and stepped into the Oval Office as if I owned the place. The President, who did look almost exactly like Martin Sheen, raised an eyebrow as I helped myself to some whisky and sat on the back of one of the chairs.

"Jed… I can call you Jed, right? Jed, you have refugees off your coast…" I took a long pull on the really excellent scotch, licked my lips, and continued just as he was opening his mouth to say something. "Little fishes making their way to the big pond. Bunch of them are in the path of a storm, Jed. Not good. These fishies can't swim."

"Err, Yes," President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlett allowed. "The refugees from Cuba. We were just-"

"Can't look like you're being soft on illegals, right Jed?" I interrupted, waving the half empty glass at the walls of the Oval Office. "I have… I say… I have a ship in the area. Big ship. Container ship bound to port of… what's that little town called… I am I? Something like that." I edited the past to actually make that true without even thinking about it… I guess I could have done something about the other two events.

Bartlett raised an eyebrow at me, "And then what?"

I shrugged. "Do a little fishing… pick up some extra crew… can't get back to you… but… how do the little fishies get into the pond from my little shippy ship?"

Jed sighed. "I can't order immigration to look the other way."

"Indeed, no…" I agreed, then pretended to have just had a thought as I finished off my drink. "But once they get onto land, they can claim asylum? That's your rule, right? Once on dry land? Someone could make a call to those nice people with the blankets and all the press. My captain, she'll claim she didn't know they weren't Americans… humans all look the same to us… very regrettable." My tone was light, conversational, as if I was talking about the weather or a garden party getting rained out.

The President was not fooled for one second… but I hadn't really been trying to fool him. "You'd do that, Silence?" he asked.

"What are friends for, Jed?" I asked airily, then hopped up and poured myself another four fingers of amber liquid. "This is good whisky… very nice. Smooth…" I poured some on my head and it sizzled as my hair flared blue for a second. "Mmm… Oaky."

Jed shivered. "Gives me the willies when you do that, Silence."

I laughed. "That's just the Catholic in you. Visions of Demons… or is it Devils? Strange Concepts. What's so strange about someone who's been KO'd getting better again?"

"Your people worship a Flying Centaur," he said with a laugh.

"Well, sure," I said with a monkey shrug. "Arceus is the Great Unifier. By grace of his Celestial Plates, of all Clades and None. He is the Diamond and the Pearl, the Gold and the Silver, the Ruby and the Sapphire." I traced the sacred spiral of the Gamefreak Church on my breast, then added, "Pluswhich, he's a very powerful Flying Centaur. Do you have any Oreos?"

Jed snorted, then shook his head. "My doctor tells me I should cut back."

"Which one, the military one or your wife?" I asked.

"Both," he said with a frown.

"Ah…" I commiserated, "Who am I to argue with them? Well then, I should be off. Give my love to Abby and the kids. Oh, and go easy on Josh, he's a good kid."

The President frowned slightly, then pointed out, "He's older than you are."

"Is he?" I asked archly, amused by the idea that any human could be older than I actually was. I smirked as I asked, "When does he evolve?"

That earned me a laugh and I sauntered over to CJ's office to listen to her rant at some people… the boat was already on the way. This was going to be fun.

Of less fun, however, was figuring out how to deal with President Bartlett's Multiple Sclerosis. I knew how to cure it, of course, but that knowledge was predicated on 23rd century technology and, more specifically, nanotechnology. Furthermore, it would raise a great many flags if his disease simply disappeared, more so if a nation of 90% non-humans introduced a spontaneous paradigm shift into human medical tech. So I had to work around.

My background was that of a Medical Doctor, specializing in human ailments and epidemiology. It was the area in which I was most confident I could make lasting and important changes, and a decent background for an Ambassador. My wealth, thanks largely to They Live and the conversion of all those Westerosi Golden Dragons, manifested in this world as part ownership in a major Pharmaceutical Corporation called PokePotions Inc.

That position allowed me to slip a few development programs into the works, and thus PPI was, within the year, to produce a working HIV vaccine, a near comprehensive Malaria Vaccine (there are five strains and our vaccine offered effective immunity to four of them), and a first stab at a general remission agent for Multiple Sclerosis that caused regeneration of the Myelin sheaths that MS damages, while lessening the severity of attacks. Documentation on this last was arranged to cross Abigail Bartlett's desk and, as I'd known she would, she approached me about it.

Being myself, I allowed her to view the data, the clinical trials, and initial findings. As a professional courtesy, I made a supply of the drug available to her, no questions asked. Meanwhile, I made the research on the two vaccines public… a gift to the world from the nation of Poketopia… not that the humans of our country didn't suffer from both diseases. We were subtropical after all. I figured that was my good deed for the year, and helped balance out the simply insane amount of coffee drinks, lox bagels, and pastrami reubens I was putting on my expense account… and the pranks I was playing on the Republicans in congress.

Little did I know that I was providing an enemy I didn't know I had with ammunition that would make my pleasant little stint as Ambassador much less pleasant. I have to admit, without Zane (and his connection to the city of DC itself… a strange composite of Jefferson, Franklin, Washington, and John Adams) and Joy (with her… ways), I would have been blindsided.

Little things started going wrong, rumors circulating among the Starters back home of my incompetence, my corruption by 'Western Values', my rampant carnivorality… it was a concerted push to discredit me among the political elite, and a good one. One of my junior (human) aides apparently committed suicide, photos on his body appearing to show me having sex with him… not that I hadn't been with a human as Silence Jumper, but certainly not with said aide. Thankfully, Joy was first on scene and she made the pictures disappear. It was clear I was in a war of intrigue, and as yet I didn't know with who or why.

Still, I had resources the likes of which no mere mortal could conceive, and there were a relatively finite number of people that had the clout and potential to gain by my disgrace. Indonesia, China, India, South Africa, Malaysia… all had reasons to want to hurt Poketopia, diplomatically, but not to hurt me specifically. Many people in DC would have reason to hurt me personally… but wouldn't have the clout to do so back home. That meant someone in or from Poketopia… and that meant a Starter or Legendary. If it were one of the Trainers of the Gamefreak Church of Arceus the Unifier (and the attack would have to have come from one of the Champions, as Final Fours and Leaders were State and City level clergy), the attack would have been religious, not political, though I had no doubt from the nature of the propaganda that the intended audience was our nation's more traditionally minded crowd.

The advantage of dealing with any oligarchy is the basically limited ruling body, which made eliminating potential enemies very much a checklist. It was like a murder mystery… Means, Motive, Opportunity. Eliminating those without Means was the easiest, though they weren't so much eliminated as… moved down the list… same with Opportunity… but Motive… that was the hard bit. What could I have done to piss of someone this bad?

The answer, as it turns out, was that I had nabbed the golden cocoanut of political appointments… the US Ambassadorship. The shortlist for the post had had only three members. The contenders had been me (from the ruling Red Valor Party… though unlike American Politics Red was the color of action, liberality, and the war party), a token Green Instinct candidate (our collectivist, ecco party, and not part of the current power block), and a Blue Mystic Starter (our traditional, peaceful, and reactive party)… and that blue was Bonaparte de Champlain of the House Empoleon… hard working (i.e. corrupt), voice of the people (i.e. reactionary), and upright (i.e. egotistical as fuck). He was everything I wasn't, politically speaking… and he'd been up for my job, and a front runner to boot, until someone had mentioned that I'd done my medical internship under the brand new US President's wife.

Now he was the Poketopian Ambassador to Canada… which as political assignments go was pretty good, but compared to the US ambassadorship? It was like kissing your sister, as the saying goes.

It was a wake up call for me. I know, naive perhaps, but I'd never been an Ambassador before! How was I to know there was actual 'politics' to it instead of just diplomacy and the fate of nations? I was going to have to guarantee I didn't get recalled by my government… and that meant intrigue, blackmail, and shenanigans. It also meant I needed to maintain my relationship with the Bartlett… and after that… Santos… Administrations. All without appearing to do anything at all. And to make matters worse, I couldn't actually assassinate Bonaparte… because we were still Pokemon and we didn't die from that kind of thing… we just went KO'd. And Pokeballs were banned by the Geneva Convention… Anyone caught with them would be stored in the SPC vault until they'd learned their lesson… i.e. forever.

But now that I knew, I could prepare my defenses, and give as good as I got. Pictures of him gorging himself on smelt, rumors of him leaving eggs at daycare, mating with Dittos… and actual testimony from his Poffin dealer all hit the wires in rapid succession. Publicly, I expressed nothing but support for my good friend Bonnie… I could call him Bonnie, right? But privately, I was cooking his penguinoid ass. No way was I, Dr. Silence Jumper, going to be Frank Underwooded by a Water-Steel Surfer. No one flings poo like a flaming monkey.

Still, with me distracted dealing with him, the MS scandal broke and I found myself, not in my capacity as Ambassador, but in my capacity as Chief Medical Consultant for PokePotions Inc's American branch, Pokepharm, subpoenaed by congress.

"Miss Jumper-" Congressman Bruno began.

"Ambassador," I corrected.

"We haven't summoned you in your political role, which has diplomatic immunity," the Congressman stated, for the record.

"Doctor then," I clarified.

"Very well, Doctor," he agreed. "You were aware of the President's illness?"

"Yes." I stated. It was a matter of fact, and when being interrogated, never give more information that you're asked.

"How did you become aware?" the human asked.

I paused for a second, having expected the question, but not wanting my response to sound rehearsed. Finally, I said, "I could smell the presence of Betaseron on him."

"You can smell Betaseron?" he asked, surprised.

"You can't?" I replied, pretending an equal level of surprise. There was a faint giggle from the gallery.

"Please answer the question," the Republican demanded, face clenched with embarrassment.

"Yes, I can smell Betaseron," I said, then slightly broke my own rule. "And before you ask, I know what it smells like because my company has worked with the chemical in our research and my people have much more of our brains dedicated to olfactory processing and memory than humans do. On the order of ten-thousand times as much." It was true. Humans have absolutely terrible senses of smell compared to almost every other mammal.

That took him several long moments to process, but then he asked, "Your company largely deals with antivirals, Dr. Jumper. If I might ask, why were you developing an drug for treating MS, a disease your people don't get."

"We weren't," I said, falling back to the rule.

"But your company just applied for FDA approval for a new, and many are saying, revolutionary new treatment for MS," he pressed on.

I frowned dramatically to show my annoyance, allowing my hair to flicker a brighter hue. "The drug grew out of our research on AIDS," I said, baring my fangs just slightly.

"I don't see the connection," the idiot human, who had no medical training at all and was thus as qualified to ask me questions on this topic in a serious forum as the average five year-old is to design a skyscraper.

I snorted, "Viagra grew out of heart medication, I believe. Go figure."

"But-" he began, but I cut him off. This was ridiculous.

"Look you silly man," I said, leaning forward. "AIDS, Lupus, MS… they are all related to the human immune system. That's why they are called 'AutoImmune Disorders'. It doesn't make them similar in structure or harm to the body, but sometimes a drug developed for one purpose helps another. Happy accident."

He grunted, unwilling to be sidetracked by my personal attack… good for him… the worm. "And you provided these drugs to the President?"

"Yes," I said again, leaning back.

This was the golden cherry he'd been waiting for, and he pounced, unable to hide his glee at my admission. "So you admit to interfering in American Politics?" His eyes were actually sparkling.

I stared at him for a very very long moment, enough that the crowd began to murmur, then drawled, "You are a special kind of idiot, aren't you?" my voice would not have reached the mic if the room had been any louder.

"I beg your pardon!?" he demanded.

"Not granted," I said, finally leaning forward again. My voice much amplified, I continued, "As I am not here today as an Ambassador, but as a private medical professional, let me point out that I have sworn an oath upon my Rescuer's Badge and before almighty Arceus to help those who need helping. A living being needed help, help I could provide. And I gave it."

"And in doing so helped perpetrate a fraud on the people of the United States," he pointed out triumphantly.

"There you go again, being stupid," I sighed dramatically. "Your President Roosevelt the First had asthma, the Second… polio… JFK was a womanizer, LBJ a pervert… What business of the people is any of that? None of it has any impact on the person's ability to do the job."

He pounced, verbally speaking, "What if he were to die from his disease?"

I sneered back at him. "Do you actually think before words come out of your mouth?"

"You can be held in contempt of congress," he threatened.

"I have your wife's hairdresser on speed dial," I pointed out, as if it were a threat.

Momentarily shaken, he grunted, "What does… never mind. What's your point?"

"MS isn't fatal…" I explained, but didn't stop there. "And even if it were, so what? Presidents die. You have mechanisms to replace them."

"But don't the people have the right to know the President might die at any time?" he asked.

"Again, because you clearly weren't listening…" and I leaned in close to the mic so my amplified voice practically echoed through the chamber, "Multiple Sclerosis isn't fatal."

"But-"

"Any Human might die at any time. My aide could walk out of this hall and be crushed by a falling light fixture. You could cross a street and be hit by a taxi. Even I could eat some bad shawarma and be KO'd. Nothing is certain."

"But you did administer an untested, unapproved, highly experimental drug illegally to the President of the United States?" he asked, trying to salvage some of this.

"No." Again the rule.

"You just-" he began, making him look like an idiot… which had been my intention all along. After all, he was an idiot, a grasping opportunistic idiot who cared more about personal and party power than about doing his Arceus be damned job!

"I didn't administer it," I clarified as if I wasn't seething inside. "I distributed it to Dr. Bartlett for her evaluation… as a colleague."

"Illegally," he pointed out.

"No."

"No?" he asked, surprised all over again. The man really was a dumbass.

"I brought the samples in legally," I pointed out, "then turned them over to a licensed medical professional for review. At no time did I administer, prescribe, or advocate their use on a human being."

"But you knew they would be?" he asked.

"Yes."

"We could ask your country to recall you for this," he snapped, petulance tinging his words.

"Yes. You do that," I retorted, almost chuckling. "Explain to the world why you're condemning a medical practitioner for worrying about the health of a Human-being. I'm sure that will do wonders for your country's reputation."

In the end, I got a slap on the wrist, Pokepharm got hit with a fine we could pay out of petty cash, and that was that. And later that year I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine… I gave the prize money to the African AIDS Relief Fund.

I didn't tell Congress that I'd somehow tapped into Whitehouse coms and found out when and where they were going to take out Ibn Abdul Shereef… then offered to remove the terrorist Ambassador from Qumar for my good friends America in exchange for the President's support for an increase in the fees remitted to Poketopia for Voltorb Services in the US Power Grid. The plane broke up in midair from a massive lightning strike… So tragic.

I also didn't mention that Secret Service Agent Simon Donovan, who'd died senselessly in a bodega robbery (maybe Mark Harmon pissed off Sorkin, maybe he really did create the action hero type just to kill him) in the original timeline, had been saved by Zane, who 'just happened' to be in the same shop at the same time.

I didn't tell them that I hadn't saved Deloris Landingham because it forced Bartlett to become more himself, something the old woman would have wanted. The number of things I didn't tell Congress increased over the years, little things… like using a Human Alter-Ego with American Citizenship to campaign for Sam Seaborn in the California 47th, arranging for him to win against all odds, a massive upset brought about by the total collapse of his opponent on TV, ranting about Alien Mind Control, Shapeshifting Lizardpeople, and proclaimations of The Rapture being upon us. Fun times!

I did volunteer my services a third time upon the kidnapping of Zoe Bartlett, to keep the President from stepping down. Qumari sleeper cells aren't really a match for The Bosses in action and it was nice to see them shine again.

As the years passed, I pondered what to do about Leo. If he didn't have his heart attack, he'd never step down and allow CJ to take over. He'd never join the Santos Campaign in the VP slot. I knew he'd been killed not by the writers, but by the death of his actor on Origin Earth. But here… I could interfere. Of course, that meant getting invited to Camp David for a Peace Summit between Israel and Palestine (Probably the least realistic thing about the series) that had nothing to do with Poketopia. So I went in as a beverage cart, having tagged Leo with a tracking chip. Good thing I can shapeshift, huh? Hint hint.

I found him first, appearing as my most angelic (tengu) form, and injected him with a stabilizing agent and nanopaste solution which would slowly mend his heart, then vanished as soon as I heard others coming to Leo's aid. Now all I had to do was make sure Vinick (played by Alan Alda) didn't win the general election. That had been the original plan if John Spencer hadn't passed away, believing that perhaps it was time to show a reasonable Republican in the Oval… not that West Wing got an eighth season… heathen network swine!

The fundamental problem with Vinick is that he was a decent guy… because in the Sorkinverse, such a thing as a principled Republican existed. Then again, in the Sorkinverse, Democrats were actually liberal and not centrist. But then I remembered what the idiot in Congress had said about influence… and I started making calls.

One by one, several prominent figures began to voice their support for a Vinick Presidency… ones who'd be anathema to the Republican mainstream… or foreign leaders who would be seen as trying to sway the American voting public. Meanwhile, my fiery Human Alter Ego was working on Getting Out The Vote and fundraising for Santos. Together all my efforts (and convincing Will Bailey to get on board with us early so Bob Russell dropped out faster), secured the White House after a very close run election. Still, Santos had his mandate, if only by less than 1%.

What can be said of the three years of the Santos Presidency I was there for? It was better than the Bush Jr Presidency? So would a Vinick Presidency been. So would practically anyone have been. Did the man from Texas bring the US into a golden age where the Great Recession never happened? Did the peace in the Middle East last? Hahah… no.

Bartlett's Middle East plan was good, but it put Americans in harm's way and when the Extremist Fundamentalists attacked, it drew the US into a war… a war that rapidly spread across the region, bringing Pakistan and Afghanistan in with the fundamentalists, who rapidly overwhelmed Iraq and Syria's security forces. Arab Spring came right on time… but this time it was the harbinger of World War III. India came in against Pakistan… China came in against India… Japan came in against China… Russia moved on the Ukraine, Greece fell into economic ruin… and the US and the EU were trying to hold things together, trying to act as peacemaker to a world that was no longer listening. This was a World War in the Third World and it was all the main players could do to keep things from boiling down to nuclear weapons.

In the end, it failed. A terror cell detonated a dirty bomb in Mumbai, killing thousands and poisoning hundreds of thousands. In retaliation, a rogue Indian General glassed Mecca. The Muslim world went… mad. I honestly don't know if there was anything I could do to stop it, but I tried. I tried like crazy… but when there's that much hate built up over that long, it can be hard to keep it down any more.

Did the Bartlett Plan make things worse? Did it bring things to a head? Did it just delay the inevitable by putting off 9/11 and the Iraq War and the Afghan War? I don't know if I'll ever know… or even how this war will play out. It's the last day here and I'm watching squadrons of Metangs and Nosepasses getting ready to lift. China's sent a fleet against our waters and the Trainers have declared that China Shall Not Pass!

I silently watched the boys, girls, and things march off to war and sighed, "Love to Stay, Hate to Go… but I'm not getting stuck in this. Good luck Josh… you'll need it."

Oh wait… there was some other stuff that happened. See… it turns out that VIvian and VIctoria wanted a few toys, but didn't think to ask me to just get them. Noooo… they used my command overrides and biometrics to access the VMoD between the time I logged my build and Insertion… and added some complications to pay for their purchases. I don't know if I should be pissed or amused, but regardless, new security features will be added to keep my clothes and my digital assistant from messing around with the Choice Store.

So, of course, I guess I should tell you what they bought and reveal how their meddling influenced the jump's events, right? Right. Well, first off, they'd taken two drawbacks, 'Conspirator' and 'The Other Side of the Coin'. The first is what got me caught up in that whole MS Scandal affair… apparently that level of annoyance was worth a whopping two-hundred Choice! Quite a bargain for something that lasted all of six months and, as an Ambassador, really didn't affect my 'reelection' chances at all.

The Other Side of the Coin was what had (apparently) generated Bonnie. The political yin to my yang, he was essentially Frank Underwood in Metal Penguin Mode. I suspect there's a Metal Gear Solid reference hidden in there, but either way? Oy. That one was worth three-hundred Choice! Sure, it was more painful and harder to deal with… but it hadn't really been all that troublesome.

Ultimately I was more annoyed about them going behind my back and messing with my build than anything else. I'd have been madder had they screwed me more… or refunded anything I'd bought… but they hadn't. So that brings us to what they felt they needed five-hundred Choice for. Well, it was more on the order of four-hundred. They'd spent the last hundred on a 'present' for me, something they felt I'd overlooked.

The stuff for them were a pair of import upgrades for themselves. For VIctoria, it was as an 'Untraceable Phone', a cellphone with the ability to make undetectable direct calls, as well as the ability to listen in on other forms of verbal communication, since it could tab virtually any office or phone line by use of a fairly simple app. For VIvian, it was something similar, only with a laptop, this one undetectable by any monitoring software once it was plugged into a network and equipped with a wide variety of encryption cracking tools preloaded. They were both two-hundred, and both required normal recharging… or would have had they not be integrated into a living biosuit and a tree.

The 'gift' they'd gotten me, paid for by me (which in a way is like getting a gift from your child, I imagine), was a perk called 'Anything You Want to Talk About?', and it was from the Journalist line that I'd just skipped right over. It made me into a gifted journalist and political writer, one able to ask the tough questions while entertaining my readers… not that I'd actually done any of that over the last decade, but it did explain why I'd been so good at picking up bits of political news or gossip, and why I'd begun to have a kind of sixth sense for misinformation. It wasn't infalible, but it was quite reasonably accurate. I don't know if it was actually worth it… but it's the thought that counts… right?

One of the biggest ironies of the last decade was that I'd finally found a use for Pokebucks… right after trading in all my Pokebucks for credit in my Warehouse Bank account. Of course, Pokemon Trainer Pokebucks and Poketopian Pokebucks were as alike as American Dollars and Hong Kong Dollars… which is to say that the two shared a name and a purpose, but nothing else. Still, it was a good thing I had a steady income last jump, because my word did I use up a frightful amount of money. How much? Way more than thirteen million a year. Way… Way more.

Granted, I had a huge amount of money coming in from my drug patents (even if I'd had to share them with my shareholders… PokePotions Inc was part of the holdings of House Infernape)… but as a member of a Starter House, I had certain social responsibilities… like hosting lavish parties for all the Poketopian dignitaries who visited the Embassy in DC. Like I said… I spent a lot of money… and invested a lot of my personal time.

Politics never really sleeps. I can't really imagine what being a head of government is actually like. No, being the God-King of the Maegi doesn't count. First that was the Head of State, and second… when you're God-King, people do whatever the fuck you tell them to do. Being President? Yeah, not so much. As God-King, I had people to handle emergencies for me, and they were in those positions because my incarnations knew they could handle the task. I hadn't needed to micromanage the Empire… which is good, because it had only gotten bigger as time had progressed.

Of course, as an Ambassador, I hadn't had anything like that level of responsibility… but I'd been around it a lot and that had been tiring in its own way. Thus, I was looking forward to a change of pace.

Except that when the VMoD for the next jump arrived, I found myself scratching my head in confusion more than whooping with joy. I had played a little of Alan Wake (I even had the DLC…) but I'd never gotten further than the first act and it didn't seem like there was enough story depth to really take more than a couple days… and even then… the reason it was called Alan Wake was because it was an intensely personal story… about the experiences of one Alan 'I am totally a knock off of Stephen King' Wake… so what was the point of the jump? Was I going to be Alan? That seemed unlikely. I'd never replaced the MC before. What even would I do in a small Pacific Northwest logging town? Eat pancakes and complain about the rain? Hike? Compose my memoirs?

I examined the machine more closely, reading through the introduction, looking for a clue. Ah… it wasn't set in Alan Wake's story… just in his world, his version of Earth. There was no indication of timeframe, just a descriptive of a world where the Darkness and Light waged an unending war for the… souls… I guess… of artists… and artists could call upon the Darkness for a little touch of that madness they call inspiration… and risk drinking so much that everything became Lovecraftian and the screaming never stopped. Why do I say that?

Well, the title card on screen was a strange little poem that read, "For he did not know, that beyond the lake he called home, lies a deeper darker ocean green. Where waves are both wilder and more serene. To its ports I've been. To its ports I've been…" Felt a little Cthulhu-esque to me. After that, there was an introduction that stated, "Darkness seeps into the world, rendering it mutable and protean. Talented artists can use is fact to influence the shape of things, though to do so means paying a steep cost. Every time someone does this, the door to the Darkness opens just a little wider…"

Definitely not a good sign that, though it did explain the lure of the Alan Wake world, I guess, for some, though the melancholy of the creative-depressive type has ever eluded me. I'd always been the opposite, the creative-manic. I had always been blinded by the light of creation, not drowning in the darkness of it. This world was not my jam, as it were, as my works were typically joyful and optimistic, rather than tragic or gloomy.

Still, as I contemplated a life among the towering pines and redwoods of Washington State, I casually tossed the age die… a small black thing that felt unnatural and slightly too heavy and slick. I got a twenty-three… young for a writer. Very young. And the wheel of locality gave me Free Pick for the first time in… eh… It didn't really matter how long… then again, having Free Pick didn't really matter either, seeing as how I didn't know any of these places.

Unfortunately, even though this was Washington State, Forks wasn't on the list… Heh. Twilight of Alan Wake… I wonder if they could share a world. It wasn't like both would be out of place in the World of Darkness… man, I hadn't run a game of Vampire in ages… or Werewolf… or Mage. I hadn't had digital copies of those systems on my desktop when I'd been recruited, largely because I'd had bookshelves full of the physical texts.

Of course, I could have recreated the systems from memory, but I'd never actually read each book cover to cover… in fact, I had learned pretty quickly when I'd begun reconstructing my RPG library, that I'd very seldom read all of an RPG guide, prefering to flip through them for inspiration and actual rules, rather than studying them cover to cover.

I stepped away from the machine, contemplating where I would like to start but feeling no pressure to choose immediately. Instead, I wandered down to GameJump, the Friendly Warehouse Game Shop in my mini-mall. Since the great restructuring that had taken them from being a bunch of vending machines in the foyer of the Warehouse Arms, the mini-mall had become a stripmall that occupied part of one wall of the Personal Reality, though the shops themselves didn't count against the amount of space I had…

Yes, I'd checked with VIvian, who, thanks to her Central Control Upgrade could tell me things like the total amount of space used by ever item in the Warehouse. She couldn't, however, tell me what was for sale in the shops. I guess that's because the stuff in the shops wasn't really in my warehouse until it was bought. Or maybe it was simply to keep me from everything. There was something visceral about shopping in a real shop that digital shopping lost. Also, it was probably better for ratings… or whatever the Banker got out of this arrangement.

The being behind the counter in the store was not quite human… but I couldn't tell you in what way they weren't human. Soulless Automaton doesn't quite cover it. It was as if they were the concept of a shopperson, rather than actually a person who worked at a shop. At once both bored and engaged, industrious yet goofing off, happy to help and surly about it, with a smile faker than a seven dollar bill… that somehow went all the way up to their eyes. It was, in a way, existentially worrying… but only because I was paying attention to it. The moment I turned to look at the products, the existence of the creeptastic shopbeing faded from my consciousness.

The shop was divided into five sections; miniatures and miniature supplies, board games, video games and strategy guides, collectable / tradeable card or dice games and sleeves, and roleplaying games and supplies. The games were an odd collection of things that I knew from home and things I was pretty certain had been crafted in some of the alternate universes that we'd visited. The reason I was pretty certain of this fact was that the copyright notices on every game had extra information… like "Made in China 9837bX4F-BuffyVerse" and "Offbaseline 7^%". I have no idea what the carrot between the 7 and the % meant… but it worried me slightly.

Of course, some of the video games were obviously not native to Origin Earth, seeing as how they were for systems like 'Gamestation', 'Playbox', or 'TurboCube256'. Thankfully, those systems and a dozen more were available at the shop. Interestingly, some of the games were radically different experiences depending on their universe of origin. For instance, the Metal Gear version of Plants vs. Zombies was a First Person Shooter, while the Samurai-Jack version was a Platformer, and the Supernatural version was Survival Horror. Ironically, the cover art was virtually identical in all three cases. Sometimes things were just a little different. For instance, in the Kill-La-Kill Verse, it was Super Luigi Brothers. Very odd.

But I wasn't there for video games; no I was checking to see if they had anything from the World of Darkness RPG series. What I found was something called Chronicles of Darkness, published in the Mass Effect Universe, in 2016, roughly a year after I'd left Origin Earth. In order to thwart people with the ability to memorize instantly anything they read, the book was shrinkwrapped, so I bought it and flipped through it. It was, apparently, a version of the New World of Darkness. Not ideal, but I could work with it.

Unfortunately, the game store didn't take special orders. I've no idea why. I did buy all the other books they had from the CofD system. I'd read them and see if I could make use of them to rebuild the old World of Darkness from memory. Chronicles of the Ferret-Machine or something… Maybe I should just breakdown and buy the 'All My Stuff' option from the Personal Reality Supplement; it wasn't too expensive… but there were so many other things that I wanted more! Accursed drip-feed! Why must you torment me so?! Whoever had constructed the damned thing was clearly mocking me.

My impulse contained, I walked back towards the VMoD… only to spot another Vending Machine sitting off by itself in a storage aisle. I wouldn't have noticed it at all, but it was powered on and casting a blue-white glow on the floor in front of it. That… was odd.

Look, I have a lot of electronics in my Personal Warehouse. A lot. But my system is designed to deal with my ADHD by keeping everything in its place. Video game cabinets go in designated areas. Vending Machines go in designated areas (all of them high traffic except my office, which had one of those ancient Coke-a-Cola venders that dropped glass bottles… they were my favorite and served just barely above freezing. Data terminals were scattered throughout… but they were in low power mode except when in use. Absolutely nothing in the storage zone that could have been making that glow should have been connected to an energy source. So yeah, it piqued my curiosity.

Lowering my stack of RPG guides into the hands of a robutler, I told him to take them to my office, then spoke to thin air. "VIvian? What machines are active in row sixteen-beta?"

Her calm voice replied in my ear, transmitted by the phased-array of nanites splayed across my eardrums. "There is a cleaner drone in sixteen-kappa, and an idle sorter-stacker in fifteen-beta, but there are no power-draws in any mode in sixteen-beta, EssJay. Are you witnessing an anomaly? Shall I send scan-probes to investigate?"

"Yes, I think I am, but don't worry about it. I'll investigate myself. Send Zane and AJ over, if they aren't busy, would you?"

"Will do, EssJay." she replied. If you think it's odd having her say my name after every sentence, it's the best of a weird situation. If she doesn't make it clear who she's addressing verbally, it rapidly becomes confusing when multiple people are listening. If she had a body or a face to give clues, that would be one thing, but she typically doesn't. Sometimes she forgets that she's speaking only to me… or maybe she does it deliberately to make me feel that she's fallible. Then again, I deliberately designed her to be quirky, so I only have myself to blame.

Within seconds, I stood in front of the machine. It was a second VMoD, and it was clearly not entirely there, since it was partly phased through a storage rack and slightly transparent. The box was much less colorful than a normal VMoD, and the controls were a trackball instead of a touchscreen… not that I have anything against trackballs, but this was one of those big white spheres. It was all alone in the center of the console and there was a pair of shiny black buttons eighteen centimeters to the right. The buttons reminded me oddly of scarab beetles, even though they looked exactly like the buttons on millions of old arcade cabinets and some small part of me couldn't help comparing the big white sphere of the trackball to a milky and sightless eye.

The screen, which was flickering slowly, cleared as I approached it and the marquee lit with a buzz hiss like one might hear from an old neon light. It read 'twilight' and below that 'Jumpchain Compliant'. Compliant? What… the… fuck? The screen cleared, turned an inky blue-black, and white letters appeared, swimming up from the depths. "this is a worlD similar tO maNy oThers. iT's a modErn worLd, fiLled wiTH modErn luxuries. even though most don't Believe it, this is Also a world of the superNatural. common folK are kEpt in the daRk by world spAnning coNspiracies put in place to make Damned certain that theY never learn the hOrrible trUth. soon, one disconcerting romance WILL threaten to expose this BrEathtaking secRet and changE the World forever. that romAnce isn't the only catalyst of change that the woRlD may facE. you've arriveD IN THE dreary LAND OF SPARKLING VAMPIRES. SOME WORLDS SIMPLY AREN'T ENTERTAINING ENOUGH. now you have the opportunity to FIX one of THEM."

I blinked at the weird message, then looked over as Zane walked up.

"What's up, pipsqueak?" he asked.

I frowned in concentration. "Either the Banker is fucking around… and I don't think he has a sense of humor… or someone snuck a V-Mod into the warehouse somehow. Someone who doesn't want the Banker to know about it."

He looked at the screen. "It looks like Twilight… aren't those those sappy girly romance books about vampires and werewolves and one true wuv?"

"It is," I agreed. I had brought the audiobooks and digital text of the books with me on the data crystal that contained everything from my home PC way back when I'd first started, so everyone in the gang had read them at one point or another. "But there's a very unsubtle coded message in it."

"There is?" he asked, squinting at the screen.

"Dude…" I groaned. "You were a detective for a decade! Use your brain for something other than warming the inside of your skull for once."

He drew himself up to his full height and humphed. "I don't have to take this abuse from you. That's why I've got Kendra."

I was about to retort with something biting, but AJ walked up at that moment, glanced at the screen, then asked, "Why aren't we supposed to tell the Banker?"

"Wait… what?" Zane asked, squinting harder. "Where do you see that?"

AJ looked up at him, then pointed to the bizarre capitalization, reading off the letters one by one for the cryptologically impaired "DONT TELL THE BANKER AND YOU WILL BE REWARDED IN THE LAND OF SPARKLING VAMPIRES SOME WORLDS SIMPLY AREN'T ENTERTAINING ENOUGH FIX THEM"

"Oh… I knew that," Zane lied. "I was just checking to make certain you did."

AJ gave him a look that spoke volumes, then looked back up at me and said, "Lucario used Lie Your Ass Off. It wasn't very effective."

I snorted and patted the kiddo's head. "Nope. Not at all. So? What do we think of this?" I waved at the machine. "Obvious trap or something more insidious?"

"I think we should tell the Banker," AJ said. "Whoever put it here obviously doesn't want us to, which totally means we should."

"I think we should pretend we didn't see it," said Zane. "It's probably part of the same glitch that sent you to the eighties as that old cop dude."

I mmm'd… That did make a certain amount of sense. "But what if it's a test of some kind?" I hazarded.

"What kind of test would it be?" AJ asked. "Of honesty?"

Zane waved a hand in the air. "Oh. Oh! I know!" We looked at him and he grinned. "It's a test to see if you can be corrupted to the dark side!"

AJ snorted, "In Twilight? More like corrupted to the lame side."

I reached out and flicked his ear. "Just because you don't like it does not make it lame."

He sulked a little, rubbing his ear, but nodded. "Yes'm… I meant to say that it's not my cup of tea. But objectively it's merely average, uninspired, and derivative." He looked up at me. "Better?"

I laughed. "Yes. That's much better… but still doesn't address the issue at hand."

"Hey, look, there are some coins on top of the machine," Zane pointed out. Of course he could see them, since he was taller than the VMoD, at least in human form. He reached out before anyone could stop him and plucked one up. "There's a row of twenty of them just lying along the top of the cabinet."

Since he didn't immediately explode or anything, I took the coin from him and examined it. Normal Choice Points have golden filigree, regardless of their form; these had bluish-silver numbers on a deep blue background, but otherwise looked similar. It even said '50 Choice Points' like a normal credit. But it felt… weird. Off somehow. I checked the back of it, half expecting to see tarnish where my fingers had touched the chip, but there wasn't anything special.

"Grab the others," I told Zane, then strode off away from this VMoD. When I arrived on the central rise where the other VMoD stood, I tapped the query button.

"What troubles you today and thus leads you to trouble me?" the screen said. I held up the coin and asked, "I found this. Is it safe to use?" "Found what? This unit is not equipped with a scanning function," the screen said. I hmm'd, then slotted the coin into the coin slot. It fit, but the coin passed through with a clunk immediately, landing in the coin return like a canadian quarter in an american arcade.

"It's a silver coin that displays '50 Choice Points'," I said, "It was found on a second Vending Machine, one that claims to be for the Twilight Universe and advises me in Capital Letter Code not to inform you of its existence."

"That seems unlikely. The Twilight Jump did not clear quality control as it suffers from OTB."

"OTB?" Zane asked.

"One True Build, I assume," AJ said. "Since OTP is One True Pairing."

"But OTC is Over the Counter," Zane pointed out. "So it could be Over the… Boundary?"

AJ snorted, "Congratulations on not saying 'Over the Bounter', you giant twit."

Zane stuck his tongue out at AJ… proof that one can be immature forever.

"Unlikely or not," I said, ignoring the two of them, "There is a partly out-of-phase Vending Machine over in the stacks claiming that it is for Twilight, complete with sparkling vampires. I'm assuming that it's for the one in Forks and not the parody in Sporks…. but I'd been contemplating if Alan Wake and Twilight were in the same universe, since both are supernatural weirdness set in Washington State."

"The presence of such a machine is unauthorized and you are warned that use of it may cause unforeseen problems," the screen stated, no emotion evident.

"Is this some kind of test?" I asked. "Because if it is, it's faintly annoying and a little insulting."

"No test was scheduled," the screen stated unhelpfully.

"But you can't tell me what this machine is or why it is present?"

"You are not authorized for that information," the screen stated, this time in larger, red letters. They throbbed slightly as if to indicate that I should drop the subject.

"Sooo… if I use these points on that machine? What happens?" I asked. "Do I get punished somehow?"

"You have free will," was the only response. "Interference with that is counter to the purpose of this program."

"Riiight. But you clearly would rather I not," I said. "Right?"

"It would not…" the screen flickered, then those letters disappeared and they were replaced with "You are free to spend all Choice Points made available to you without prompting or feedback."

"Uh huh… Tell you what," I said, leaning on the machine as if having a personal conversation with it. "If you tell me that you would rather I not spend them, I won't. If you give me any other free will platitude or disavowal, I'm going to spend them all."

The machine didn't respond for a very long time. Nearly twelve minutes. But then, finally, the screen flashed, and letters appeared. They said, "The presence of such Choice Points in your Personal Reality has already compromised protocol. Any damage that would be caused has already been caused. No one else is authorized to generate Choice for you. Clearly there has been a breach…"

One by one, the ellipses at the end of the sentence gained periods, three, four, five, six. It was as if the Banker was thinking. Finally, after fifteen, the screen cleared and the display printed out, "The Choice are unauthorized, but should be safe to use. Perhaps an overzealous subscriber has tampered with the system using a previously unknown exploit. Security has been notified, but removing the unauthorized machine would require resetting the target universe."

"You're saying that, since the machine is here, the outside universe is already one in which both Twilight and Alan Wake are true?" I asked, seeking to make sense of the jargon.

"That appears to be the situation as it obtains," came the confirmation, then the query screen cleared and the Alan Wake Logo reappeared.

"Huh…" I said, thinking hard. Did I use the bootleg chips or not? Thinking about it for a good six or seven seconds, I figured that there was only one responsible way to decide. "VIvian, call the clans. Gathering in ten in the Council Pit."

The Clans was everyone, and the Council Pit was a carpeted conversation pit I'd added a few jumps specifically so that we'd have an area where everyone could gather in a more or less democratic way. If I ever got to the point that my Companions actually comprised multiple families, then representatives could be chosen… but right now there were only eighteen of us… well, nineteen if one counted Atura, who never spoke to the others. Twenty-three if one included the four VIs (VIctoria, VIvian, VIrginia of the Black Jenny, and VIncent the Assault Shuttle). Twenty-nine if one included my horse, Fliagor, and the five owls. Except that Fliagor and the Owls weren't allowed to vote, Atura wouldn't care most likely, and the VIs would probably vote however I did.

As for families? Ahab & Joy formed one couple, Kendra & Zane formed a second, Bao & Uriel formed a third, and Toph was off on her own. Were three couples and a Singleton enough to call them Clans? I didn't think so. My personal clan included Ryoga and Yoiko who I'd been in a relationship for a literal age, Velma who had joined us because of a connection centered on me, and Cirno, who was technically my servant… plus the PokeCrew. And that kinda included Zane as well… so… yeah. Clans was still only a figure of speech… but might be more in time… especially if children ever entered the picture… and with them in mind, the Council Pit also did double duty as a Ball Pit, which at least amused the Zigster. It's telling that amusement means 'Without Thought'… le sigh.

"Thank you for coming," I said once everyone with a human form was gathered. "We've had an anomaly and I need your opinion on how to proceed." I laid everything out as far as I understood the situation, then put it to discussion.

"That's about the shape of things, boys and girls. I haven't looked at what's on offer in Twilight because I didn't want temptation to sway me, and only named the secondary Jump because Zane and AJ already know what it is. Do we use the bootleg Choice or not? Thoughts? Feedback? Votes?"

I looked around, but everyone was deep in consideration, either locked into their 'private' thoughts or whispering in a small huddle. Ziggy raised a paw from where he sat near AJ, who was engaged in fierce debate with Petra and Dyna.

"Yes Ziggy?" I asked, faintly bemused that he had an opinion on this. "Do you have a vote?"

"Ziggy Vote TREAT!" he squeaked happily.

RayRay facepalmed.

"For what it's worth, I too vote Treat," Dyna said after a few more whispered passes. And by Treat, I mean that there seems little point in not spending all Choice available to us."

Joy frowned at that, and Ahab sighed, then stood and paced a little. "I suspect that our votes would be different," he motioned to indicate that he was including Joy in that 'our', "if we didn't automatically import into every jump automatically. With Twilight linked to Alan Wake, our tablets are displaying the available options for both jumps already. We wouldn't be actively spending Choice, but if the Twilight jump's elements represent some kind of taint or corruption, then Joy and I will be corrupted by default. There does not appear to be an opt out option for us… and I suspect, EssJay, that applies to you as well."

"A counterpoint," Velma said before I could respond to that. "I may be relatively new… but I believe that you could go with the Drop-In option, assuming there is one?" she looked to the Bosses, and, after checking, the duo nodded. Velma smiled and continued. "I've noticed that you can deselect freebies. Drop-In adds nothing to you, and if you don't take any freebies, then corruption shouldn't be an issue." Joy stood then, placing a hand on Ahab's shoulder. Speaking firmly, she said, "Then, with that in mind, Clan Boss respectfully votes nay, but will abide by the Jumper's decision."

Toph, who'd been talking to Cirno and the Hibikis, stood next. "Speaking for myself, I vote to go for it. From what we know of Alan Wake, it's a world of shadow monsters. I'll be nice to have something hostile that we can actually punch in the face if the need arises."

The Hibikis quickly seconded her comment, then Yoiko added, "Not that we have to go looking for trouble, if we don't want to."

Cirno pouted at that. "But trouble is fuuuuun!" she whined.

I groaned, but nodded. "Very well Cirno, I'll note your vote as yes on account of actively seeking problems?"

The ice-fairy blinked at me, clearly trying to figure out if I was agreeing with her or teasing her. She decided I was teasing her and stuck her tongue out at me… then squeaked as Ziggy pounced her and began rummaging in her dress looking for any treats she might have in her pockets. Honestly didn't know which of the two of them was dimmer.

"So that's two against, four in favor, and one vote for T-R-E-A-T-S. Anyone else?" Zane asked, looming over me. "I vote aye, by the way. It'll be exciting."

"Concur," said Dyna.

"Agreed," said Bao.

"Adventure is the spice of existence," added Uriel.

"I'm against it… in case anyone hadn't figured that," Velma said. "It's looking for trouble and adding potential enemies for questionable returns."

"I have to agree with red," Francy said. "It's not logical to take on more risk when we don't need to. Vampires don't just kill… they transform. What happens if one of us gets turned?" By us, I knew she meant the Pokemon.

"Kendra will stake you!" Zane said, gleefully.

"I will not!" his girlfriend snapped. "And adding Vampires to any world is a bad idea. I vote No."

"Point of correction," VIvian said, "But the Vampires will be there regardless of if EssJay spends the Bootleg Points. The two worlds are already merged. I vote, if I am allowed to do so, in favor. To squander resources is illogical."

"Screw logic, sister," my wrist comp said, VIctoria voicing her opinion now that the floor had been opened to synthetic Companionoids. "I say nay. I have to share a symbiotic existence with EssJay; what affects her, affects me."

"Wait, wait, waiiit!" Zane whined. "I've lost count!"

"There are currently six votes nay and eight votes aye," AJ said, sighing at Zane's foolishness. "My Nay makes it seven-eight. I agree with Francy, though I do look forward to fighting these Vampires, but do not think mother should take on any potential corruption."

All eyes turned to the two remaining voters. RayRay yawned, blinked blearily, then shrugged. "Don't care."

Petra, meanwhile, kept twitching and jerking like she had tourettes.

"Problem?" I asked her, sensing that there was some kind of internal debate going on between the four quadrants of Petra's brain.

She looked up, eyes differently focused and she wobbled, then shoot her head as if to rattle all the marbles into place. "We are unable to reach unanimous consensus, and thus we cannot speak to support either side. We abstain… but agree that vampires and werewolves are easier to hit with a hammer than shadow people."

"Seven-Eight in favor of Aye, with two abstentions… three if we count the rug-ratata," AJ said.

He then dodged a lunge from Ziggy who squeaked, "Not RAAAAT!"

"So it's down to me?" I said, though it wasn't me speaking.

"Yes," Zane agreed, not realizing who exactly was talking. "But ultimately it was anyway. I mean, you could open the floor to the spaceships or horseface, I guess."

"Ah. Correction, Friend Zane," I said again, "But this is not EssJay speaking. It is, rather, Atura. Apologies for the confusion."

Zane rolled his eyes. "Oh… right. Hi. I assume you're going to vote Nay just to bring the vote into balance?"

"There is a certain temptation to do so, but Balance is not some doctrinare thing. I am also tempted to say nay for the same reason Friend VIctoria did, as I too share EssJay's existence."

"This is too weird," Kendra said, shivering.

Yoiko and Ryoga nodded in perfect sync, grunting "uh huh."

Toph said, "I'm used to spirits… and even I think it's creeptastic."

"Hush you, foolish mortals," my voice said. "As I was saying, I believe it would be wise to say nay, but I joined this band to gain experiences, and passing up one out of fear seems most out of character. Onward, I say. Onward to whatever lays beyond." The spirit had said all that in a calm, not quite-monotone, but it was more passion than she usually put into things. In fact, most of the time she spoke to noone but me.

"Well then," I said as me again. "That's nine-seven in favor. I could exercise my veto, but it was my call to bring this before the Clans. I'm not going to ask Fliagor, as smart as he is, because he has no perspective, nor will I ask the ships, as they are literally above this. So that's it. Let's do this."

Which only left one question… which jump took precedence for things like location and age? The Rogue VMoD didn't have an attached wheel of location, or an age dice, so that seemed to suggest that it wouldn't control those facets… but unless I was much mistaken, Alan Wake took place the year the game had been released, which was 2010, while Twilight began in 2005 and ended in 2007… theoretically, I could finish with things in Forks long before I had to be in Bright Falls… well… I guess that was as good a reason as any to do the builds in that order.

Glaring at the RVMoD, I bounced the chips in my hand and sighed, "If you screw me somehow, I'm going to be quite cross." I wheeled the cursor (A cursor! How retro!) over Start and hit one of the buttons. Nothing happened. That must be cancel or back. I hit the other button. Despite the machine being out of phase enough to pass through the steel and wood of the shelving unit, it was solid enough under my hands, and the button / wheel action was spooky smooth.

The screen flashed and a digital wheel of location appeared. "Spin the wheel, decide your fate!" was the legend, and there was an animation of a hand giving the trackball a spin. The locations were, of which there were only four, were not evenly balanced.

Two eights of the wheel were dedicated to Free Choice and Volterra, an absolutely lovely medieval town in Tuscany Italy. I'd actually visited there as recently as three years previously in the West Wing Universe, where there had been a global energy summit at the Piazza dei Priori.

The three big pies, however, each eating a quarter of the wheel, were La Push, Forks, and Port Angeles… all within seventy miles of each other. La Push was on the western side of Washington State's Olympic Peninsula, while Port Angeles was on the northern side, and Forks was on a straight line draw between them (though only about fifteen miles from the La Push reservation).

Forks was the self proclaimed 'Logging Capital of the World' and backed right up on the fairly impressive Olympic National Park, home of Mount Olympus National Monument. I'd been there twice before, once Great Detective, hunting a suspect, and once in Scooby-Doo, investigating a haunting… well, I wasn't. I was making a sandwich and getting lost. The rest of my team was investigating a haunting that had turned out to be an evil paper baron who wanted to secretly harvest trees from the park.

I'd also been there in Star Trek TOS on one of my shoreleaves, but the eugenics wars and reconstruction and four centuries had changed the face of the area profoundly. Still, in any time period, the Pacific Northwest is incredibly lovely, and a wonderful place to get away from everything.

I'd been in the general area twice in my original life, but never to the national park itself. Both times I'd been in and around Seattle had been because of family functions and I hadn't been able to go off by myself, since the first time we had to catch a cruise ship outbound to Alaska and the second time we had only an evening between the end of a trans-canadian train-tour and the flight home. We'd seen a Cirque du Soleil show. It had been nice, but not as nice as the parks had been… but I'd grown in so many ways between that first life and each time I'd been back to the massive boreal rainforest and each time its profound beauty had touched something deep inside me. I just had to hope that shadow creatures, blood-drinking monsters, and very angry wolf-spirits didn't sour me on the area.

Still, I had to laugh at the idea of there being any qualitative difference between starting at any of the Washington locations. A normal person could walk from Port Angeles to Forks in a day, and hitchhike the distance in under two hours. With my tech I could make the trip from Volterra to Forks in less than thirty seconds, and the only reason it would take that long is that I'd have to get VIctor out of the Bay and into a high enough orbit to target both Washington and Tuscany. Chuckling at the silliness, I spun the trackball, shivering at the nostalgia of that sound. Port Angeles… oh no. How ever will I make it to school on time!… what day did this stupid thing even start?

A quick check told me three things. First, that apparently I had a house in either La Push or Forks, second that I was just about to start my Junior Year at Forks High School, and that it was August, 2004. [AN: the jump states that it's August 2005, but Bella Swan arrives in Forks in January of 2005. Obviously, this means you'd miss the entire first book, which considering how little of a decade the events of the books take up, would be silly.].

Since that placed my age at either sixteen or seventeen (there was another spinscreen which had a bell distribution averaging out at sixteen years, nine months… the most specific I'd ever seen a jump get… and maxing out at seventeen and a third)… that meant my age in six years would be either twenty-two or twenty-three. I guess that worked… though it was a decade or so younger than Alan himself. Again I spun… maximum… well, I guess I started first grade a year late. I'd known some people who'd done that for one reason or another… one had even started two years late thanks to whooping cough.

Four Backgrounds presented themselves to me then; New Student (Drop-In), Mythbuster, Quileute, and Vampire. Hmm… Well, Vampire was a thousand Choice… so it was clearly out. New Student was boring… and Mythbuster sounded like something added in by a Constructor who either didn't know squat about Twilight… or didn't like it. There were no monster hunters in the canon.

Just out of curiosity, I checked the perks associated with that line. Occult Knowledge, Superior Reflexes, Anti-Vampiric Power Resistances, Precognition (but not as good as Alice's)… and the clencher… a perk so broken that it clearly was what had rendered this jump OTB. It was called 'Our Monsters Are The Same' and it inflicted commonly held monster weaknesses even on variations of a monster that didn't normally have that weakness.

Why was that so broken, you ask… or would ask if you didn't know Twilight lore but did know normal Vampire lore? Well, where normal vampires typically had a host of vulnerabilities (staking, sunlight, fire, running water, garlic, crosses or other holy symbols), Twilight vampires pretty much had one weakness… fire. They were as hard as living diamond, utterly unphased by sunlight, didn't mind garlic, couldn't care less about running water… and in fact swam like sharks, and had as much of an aversion to christian holy symbols as the average buddhist. Hell, some of them were probably christian themselves. The perk was clearly designed for those who wanted to go to Twilight just to kill the sparklepires.

Wondering a bit more, I checked to see why Vampire was priced so high; was it because it was worth it, or because they'd wanted no one to take it. One perk would tell me everything I needed to know, either by its presence or absence.

Vampires got the Sun Sparkles, which others could buy if they really wanted to for a hundred Choice. They got the ability to see perfectly in total darkness, as well as a massive boost to vision and hearing that would cost non-vamps two hundred Choice, a three hundred point boost to sense of smell that the Quileutes only got a discount on, a four hundred point perfect complexion that came with skin tougher than stone, a five hundred point vampiric speed perk, and a six hundred point strength perk.

All in all, a good package, especially since all that was free with purchase… but what they didn't have was telling. One of the major elements of the novels wasn't just the traits all Vampires had in common… it was the traits that were unique to each vampire… their powers. Be it Edward's mind-reading, Jasper's broadcast empathy, Alice's precognition, or Bella's psychic shield, each power was unique and most of them were quite useful. There were elementalists, pain-casters, illusionists, shockers… and none of that was for sale in this document.

The bias was painful… and made even more painful when I got to the drawbacks. The plus one-hundreds and plus two-hundreds were all fine… but the plus three-hundreds were practically screaming disdain for the source material. 'Fanmode' awarded its points for being actually pleased to be in the world of Twilight and eager to fit in and to befriend the protagonist and her friends, seeing them as the wonderful people that Stephanie Meyer meant them to be. 'Can't Touch This' meant you couldn't impede the protagonists or their allies and always be caught up in the events of the story for as long as it lasted. Oh… nooo! The terror.

And if those weren't damning enough, the third and last one was called 'Belladonna' and it made you… me… realize that Bella Swan was the most perfect, beautiful, intelligent, and generally wonderful woman ever and that I'd become obsessed with ensuring her friendship.

I gagged a little at the blatant undertones, then sighed and signed up for Can't Touch This. it was three hundred essentially free Bootleg Choice. I considered taking Fanmode, but decided against it, instead opting for Shirt Aversion (the inability to wear anything chest covering without feeling restrained and uncomfortable) and Uncomfortable Stare (a need to use aggressive body language and ignore personal space when talking with others.) Both were a hundred Choice, and both weren't requirements but rather feelings… feelings I could control.

"Fuck it," I grumbled. I might have taken Vampire if there had been a choice of powers, but without it? If I really wanted to be a Vampire I could just get bitten by one, right? Meh.

I paid three-hundred and made myself a Quileute. Yeah, I know… pricy! But it was either that or pay six-hundred to get the Phasing perk that they got free.

Not only did Phasing allow me to turn into a bear-sized wolf, it increased my speed and strength drastically in human form, and much more in wolf form. It didn't specify that it came with the Quileute Wolf-Warrior's regeneration but I assumed it probably did… not that I needed it thanks to being a Conduit. They weren't actually werewolves, as they had no hybrid form, but a result of a shaman fusing with a wolf in the distant past to fight 'The Cold Ones'… what the tribe called the local vampires. Twilight was very much a case of 'Our Monsters are Different', which made the mythbuster perk doubly insulting.

As a Quileute, I was now a member of a first nations people with a proud history… but as one of the new generation of spirit-warriors, I'd have to obey the orders of my pack's alpha. No can do, dude. Ferret Momma don't take orders from no young buck male who thinks he's hot shit just because the force is strong in him. Thankfully… or not… there was a Quileute discounted perk called 'Alpha' that didn't outright say I was a Pack Alpha, but did give me the ability to command the obedience of similar shapeshifters through the power of my voice, though other alphas and those with indomitable will would be able to resist. Having to pay two-hundred choice to keep my free will free of commands from one of the two canonical alphas was a bitch… but it also meant that I should be able to keep the other spirit warriors out of my head. Yeah. The entire pack shared a telepathic bond… something the document didn't mention at all.

So yeah… another way this jump was broken. If being forced to obey the Alpha was bad, it was the less bad of the two of the worst things about being a Quileute Spirit Warrior… though the second apparently depended on if you were male or female. Obeying the Alpha came in second to Imprinting… and neither were drawbacks. Yup, a male jumper would have had to pay three-hundred Choice to potentially be saddled with the Imprinting (a perk that cost a Quileute fifty more Choice) that would have made him fixate on his predestined mate to the point that he'd abandon his old lover(s), edit his own personality, and general do whatever it took to become the perfect match for his chosen one.

Thankfully, I shouldn't have to deal with that. Although the books weren't clear if this was merely a theory or not, there was a strong suggestion that female spirit warriors (of which there was only one in canon, named Leah), were infertile. So in addition to being a teenage girl who just became aware that she was different (and who kept exploding out of her clothing), Leah also had to deal with knowing (or strongly suspecting) that she was never going to have children… and had to deal with the thoughts of a dozen teenage males inside her head… all the time. It's a wonder that she was just a bitch (no pun intended) rather than murderously homicidal.

Hopefully I wouldn't worry too much about being unable to have another kid in this jump… I already had one that I was not being a mother to. Still, I had another thousand Choice to spend and that was before I tackled Alan Wake. Quileutes got a discount on 'Astral Projection', 'Nice Chest', and (gag) 'Imprinting', the first two of which did exactly what they sound like they did and none of which I wanted or needed. They also got a discount on 'Bloodhound', which granted them the ability to smell any source of blood easily within a mile, with human and vampires standing out strongly. It was a targeting-tracking sense as well, which was nice. I assumed the 'easily' part meant that it didn't just cut off after a mile, but tapered off at a reasonable rate beyond that.

That cost me a hundred-fifty Choice, and picking up the vampiric 'No Sense' vision and hearing booster, which cost me two-hundred.

Zane, reading over my shoulder, growled, "This is stupid."

"What is?" I asked.

"I read those dumb books, you know," he said. "You're paying Choice for what they should be able to do just as part of being a Werewolf!"

"First, just wolf, or spirit warrior, and yes, I am," I agreed, feeding the coins into the machine.

"But whyyy?" he complained. "Why aren't you bitching about it! I mean, sure, this machine isn't sanctioned and thus you can't demand clarification or anything… there isn't even a query button… but you should be complaining! You complain about everything!"

I laughed and patted his head. "I'm assuming that phasing grants all the canonical abilities of being a spirit warrior besides astral projection which the tribe seems to have lost when they gained shapeshifting," I shrugged, "That's regen enough to deal with being shot in the temple, speed fast enough to catch up with vampires that are so fast they become invisible to human perception when moving, hearing and smell with an acuity measured in miles, vision ten times better than a human's and twice that of a raptor's, the ability to see just outside the visible light spectrum… and tell vampires apart from humans with ease."

Pausing, I wrinkled my brow in thought. "What else? Oh… body temperature of forty-two Centigrade, hot enough to make vampires feel pain touching us even in human form, reflexes that rival vampires, in pack telepathy, and huge amounts of endurance, as well as larger, more developed human form."

"Yeah yeah! I know all that! But why are you paying CP for stuff you already get!" He waved his hands in the air as if his confusion was too much to contain in his body.

I grinned up at him. "Because none of those will apply to any of my other forms. Only the Quileute form and wolf-form will have those abilities. It's not like I can mix and match abilities from forms. Hell, my Conduit ability only works across all my forms because it isn't governed by a perk, apparently. It's just something that everyone gets for going to that Jump. Same as Harry Potter magic. Call it an Intrinsic Power or something."

He grunted, looking a little abashed. "Oh… right… that makes sense." He sighed. "Man, it would be cool to be able to mix and match, wouldn't it?"

I sighed too. He wasn't kidding. It was frustrating sometimes, having to shift to Argonian to breath underwater, or Asari to use Biotics. Thankfully, my bionanotech persisted across all my forms, but my Life-Fiber Hybrid abilities didn't. For some reason, my immunity to disease, which was part of being a Pureblood Wizard seemed to carry over across all forms, so that was something… or maybe it was because my body was swimming with enough nanites to make three large emperor penguins. What was limited by form and what wasn't didn't always make the most sense. Ah well, not like alt-shifting was hard or anything.

Hmmm… Everyone got two perks for free; 'Enlightened' and 'Student Identification'. The first made it so we'd be able to recognize obviously supernatural beings when we encountered them. The second meant that people would just accept that we were totally students at this high / any school. Never mind the six-foot long beard! But what to do with the six-hundred fifty remaining Choice?

Three-hundred of it went to buying 'Exchange Program' so I could build my own pack. That outlay paid for eight Companion Imports, each with three-hundred Choice for backgrounds and perks (not that there were many items for sale… goes to show the Constructor never actually read the novels). And, of course, three-hundred Choice was just enough to buy Quileute and get Phasing free.

Normally, I didn't get to control my companion's builds… but this was a Rogue Machine, and it didn't bring up an option to confirm tablet distribution. No, it just asked me to ID the first Imported Companion and gave me a purchase screen. That was good. I didn't want anyone getting any bright ideas about taking Mythbuster to 'protect me' from the 'monsters'. Instead, I simply imported most of those who'd voted aye, replacing VIctoria with Kendra, since I couldn't import the VI no matter how much she'd evolved and Kendra enjoyed being mad at vampires, so it was a good fit. Fastest Companion Import ever.

Another three-hundred went to a perk called 'Fast Learner' from the New Student line which would boost the rate at which I'd pick up skills and adapt to new situations. How fast it would be I'd have to test… memory editing for the scientific win, am I right? I must be mental. How many people would delete their own knowledge of a language just to see how long it took them to relearn it. Of course, my test language was the programming language Fortran, so it wasn't like it was important or anything.

That left fifty Choice, and unless I wanted to buy a perk that, bizarrely, was worth plus fifty CP but took away my self-preservation instinct entirely for five years… there was only one thing I could buy… Spending money. It was five-hundred dollars. Not per jump. Just once. It specified that it didn't regenerate even if stolen or destroyed. Fifty Choice for that garbage? I decided not to even spend it in protest and ordered the coin framed with the legend 'Better Unspent Than Wasted' written around it.

Before I moved on to the second machine, I checked in with the Bosses. Ahab had opted out completely, but Joy had Woman'd Up and gone with Mythbuster, which came with Occult Knowledge. It was a toned down version of 'Our Monsters', letting the buster know how to hurt various monsters and what methods wouldn't work. For a freebie, it was fairly powerful… especially compared to the New Student's 'Quirky' which allows you to act childlike, vain, or selfish in small bursts without annoying others. Yay? Seriously. OTB out the ears on this one.

And now I was back at the wheel of location… the dice of age had crumbled to dust, which was interesting… Again, I looked over the locations, but if Twilight had been silly with three-fourths of the locations being three locations effectively within easy driving distance… Alan Wake was ridiculous. Six different locations all within easy hiking distance of each other… but where Twilight had had the non-local location be in Italy… Alan wake had someplace outside reality itself, 'The Dark Place', a region where mere thoughts and dreams could shape the environment. Seriously, a bad spin there could seriously hose even an experienced jumper… all for no CP back.

But as long as I didn't start there, did it matter if I started at the Bright Falls town docks, on the shore of Cauldron Lake up in the mountains above the town (either at the shore where the dark presence lurked or at the Lodge, a retreat/asylum for the mentally damaged), at the Biltmore logging camps near the town, at a nearby ghost town named Gray Peak Gorge, or at the Anderson Farmstead? I'd just come from Washington DC… I'm certain that city and its suburbs covered more area than Bright Falls and its environs… and if I was wrong? It wasn't as if I was actually going to start the jump there or be magically transported there at the appointed time, right?

I gave the wheel a spin and, lo and behold… didn't start in the Darkness. As it turned out, I'd have to make my way to the shore of Cauldron Lake at some point to trigger the events of, what it appeared, was to be the second half of Blood & Darkness in Washington State.

That done, it was time for some shopping. All the Backgrounds were free, but two of them, 'Drop-In' and 'Taken' were clearly traps… and trouble besides. Drop-In's description stated outright that 'The Darkness' would sense my arrival, and might yet give me some of its power, if only to further its own goals… how… hmmm… seemed strangely apropos of the Rogue Machine, tucked away in its dark corner of the Warehouse. As for Taken?That description literally stated that I'd be a normal native of Bright Falls, until, one night, a strange darkness would cloud my vision and leave me feeling changed. After the event, light would blind me, but the dark protect me. The same dark that compelled me forward.

Seriously? The Taken were the freaking mobs of the game. Who would be batshit insane enough to look at that and say, "Ooh… oooh! Sign me up!"?

That left two. Creator wasn't my thing, especially with the line "Recently, you have noticed strange happenings, as if your stories have become prophetic and your art has come to life…" in the description. That sounded worrying… and possibly trapish. At that point, I was beginning to wonder if the Rogue Machine wasn't actually the safer thing to trust than this clearly ill intentioned and malevolent piece of… Never mind.

In the end, I went with the Investigator background. That one had only received fragmented and strange reports that seem to detail a crime spree in the works… fragments and strange reports that, strangely enough, took the form of a horror novel. Of course, Investigator too had its unpleasant quirk, as as went by, more and more of the happenings detailed in the novel would start coming true… Fuck it. Might as well assume Investigator was a trap as well. But I'd been a detective before… I knew the routine. My skills might be a little rusty now, but I'd have at least a couple years to get back into form before Mr. Wake to Bright Falls Came.

Investigator came free with 'Bright Falls Finest', a perk that would make it easier for me to gain acceptance with any law-enforcement organization I wanted to join. In addition, once I got said LEO Job, I'd be granted more autonomy in my work than I would otherwise be given. I also got a special 'Flashlight', one with the unique ability to automatically recharge its battery over time… though the batteries could be replaced manually should light be needed immediately. It was an interesting toy, and it amused me that there had also been a special anti-vampire flashlight for sale in the Twilight Machine.

"Hmmm…," I mused aloud. "I wonder if I can somehow alter my eye-beams to be more light and less… blast? Must work on that." Ziggy, who was napping on my shoulder, chirped softly in agreement, then asked for a treat before falling back asleep before I could give him one. Adorable little duffus.

But eye-beam exercises were for later. In the meantime, however, I skipped 'Trail of Clues' which wasn't worth the two-hundred points an Investigator could get it for, let alone the undiscounted four-hundred everyone else would have to pay. a guarantee of clues when trying to solve a mystery and an easier time interrogating people? Investigation easy mode? Ugh. Where was the fun in that!?

Instead, I went straight to the Investigator Capstone 'Touched by Darkness' for three-hundred. I know what you're thinking. Sure, it sounded like a trap, but there was nothing in the description that even implied such nefarious nature. Rather, by being touched by the supernatural, I'd have gained insight into its nature, allowing me to understand thoughts that would tear a normal mind asunder, leaving nothing too strange or terrifying for me to comprehend. How could I pass up the chance to gain immunity (or at least resistance) to Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know? For the record, I don't believe in SMWNMTK, but taking chances on something like that would be insane! Only the mad would do something like risk their sanity when protecting it was that easy. Suck it, Necronomicon Ex Mortis!

The light side (assuming that Creator and Investigator were, in fact, the Light) had one more perk for me that I had to claim as my own. 'Champion of Light' was priced at a solid eight-hundred, but discounted to those two backgrounds, thus, I think, implying a connection fairly obviously. Slotting eight coins into the machine (and apologizing to Atura for not being able to also afford the 'Herald of Darkness' perk) I made my allegiance plan.

'Champion' meant that, under any bright light, I'd regenerate health extremely quickly… yes, even faster than a Conduit Shapeshifter with Rolling Counter already would… and could even come back from the brink of death. It would allow me to focus any projected light into a stronger, more focused beam, which will destroy beings comprised only of darkness and dark enchantments merely by concentrating on it… and burning through the power supply all the more rapidly. I wondered if it would work on a lightsaber.

After assuring Atura that I had nothing against normal darkness… merely darkness that hungered to consume the light instead of merely being the light's absence, I considered the three-hundred point import option called 'The Poet and the Muse'. It wasn't a bad deal, giving them all the perks that were discounted for whatever background they selected… but it would put whichever one of my companions I imported with it in dire straights and I could not, in good faith, do that to any of my friends… and no way was I giving the Dark Presence… whatever the fuck that was, one of the Kihara's…. This world was fucked up enough already… I could sense it pouring out of the screen as the grey light throbbed and pulsed whenever I wasn't actively focusing on the machine.

Speaking of senses, I did buy 'That Was Close' for two-hundred, leaving me only two coins to spend. A general perk, 'That Was Close' gave me an instinctive and uncanny ability to dodge attacks that were clearly meant to kill me. Whenever I was attacked unexpectedly, time would appear to slow down for you, allowing me more time to dodge said attack. It worked especially well on ambushes… according to the blurb. Excellent… more defenses!

I looked at the 'Trusty Blade' item, but to be honest, I already had plenty of swords, not the least of which was my Shehai Soul Blade. I looked at everything else that was for sale, pondering what to spend my last hundred Choice on… then decided on Artist, which gave me an innate talent in the art style of my choosing. In fact, I bought it twice, once for drawing & painting, and again for sculpture…. If I got good, maybe I could make my own Figmas… I'd gotten somewhat fond of the things somehow.

That put me a hundred over but I balanced that with the drawback called 'Daylight Savings' which meant that the nights would seem longer and the days shorter. As handicaps go, it was roughly as annoying as an occasional hangnail… and unless there was an axial shift, it wasn't going to skew the ration to anything worse than 18:6 or so.

Ahab, so reticent about Twilight, seemed almost happy when he looked over his options, then opted for Drop-In, which allowed him to pick up Suave, which made him one of those handsome glamorous types, that he'd always wanted to be. It meant he'd give off a vibe that made him appear dark and mysterious, but also handsome and refined. I expected he'd be a big hit at parties. He also got the 'Trusty Blade', which was a sharp blade of his choice of style ranging in size from a kitchen knife to a sickle, that would always manage to find its way back to him, either by returning to his pocket or by being placed conveniently in the environment. Said knife was, thanks to the power of fiat, impossible to lose and useful for throwing at enemies. It would also always stay sharp.

Believe me when I say a happy Ahab is a worrying sight.

Joy meanwhile, chose to embrace her softer side. "I've been a spy for centuries darling," she confided in me. "I want to be a terrible artist now." We all laughed, but she followed through, took the Creator Option, took pottery as her art style, and tucked her free Flashlight into her cargo pants.

"Everyone ready?" I asked.

"I need to go to the bathroom," Zane said.

"You can go when we get there," I shot back, then hit the button.

INSERTION

I stood at the edge of Cauldron Lake. Hmmmm… very pretty. I turned my back on it and looked back towards the road. A black suited secret service agent stood there. "Ready to go, Agent James?"

It had been five years, almost exactly. It was August 2009 and the Wakes were expected here in Bright Falls within the day. I'd graduated from Forks High, then gotten a job at the FBI without bothering with college. I was a special circumstances agent, assigned to the Pacific Northwest where there had been altogether too many disappearances over the last few years, but my superiors didn't really seem to care if any progress was made on them.

My good friends, the Cullens, had agreed to help me by keeping an ear out for anything that might be worrying, while my father's tribe kept an eye on the Cullens… well, an eye, an ear, and a nose.

As befitted the child of two jumps, I was half-Quileute, half blonde hippy drifter. My mother had wandered up the Pacific coast sometime in the late eighties, shacked up with my dad, Byron James, the Reservation's Chief of Police, for a summer, then vanished as the rains of winter came in. She'd been found in an alley in Seattle a year later, mostly dead, and clutching a baby. Before she died, she managed to pass on my father's name. And that's how I ended up being raise in La Push… and why I'm a Quileute with flax blonde hair, rather than my typical platinum blonde.

I'd like to say that I took advantage of the gaping hole in the plotbound drawback to destroy the Volturi. I really hate those guys. Really really really… pretty certain that I would even if I wasn't rooting for the Cullens. Aro was a douche-cannon of the highest order… sorry… sorry. I should go back.

So, the plotbound 'Can't Touch This' Drawback stated that I couldn't meaningfully impede the protagonists or their allies… it said nothing about impeding… or vaporizing their enemies. At the top of the enemy list was the vampire world government, the Volturi, based in Voltura, Italy. Although there were dozens of members of the Volturi Guard, the Volturi coven was essentially five members; Aro, Marcus, and Caius, plus Aro's mate Sulpicia and Caius's mate Athenodora. there had been a sixth member, Aro's sister and Marcus's mate, Didyme, but Aro had murdered her to keep Marcus from leaving the coven.

Aro was, as one can imagine, jealous of his power and didn't like tolerating any threat to it, no matter how minor. He was also a powerful tactile telepath, able to learn more and more of a person's history the longer he maintained physical contact with them. What made him more dangerous than the mastery of information warfare that his gift gave him was the powers of his key allies, namely Marcus, Felix, Chelsea, and the Twins, Jane and Alec.

Marcus and Chelsea had powers that allowed Aro to judge and manipulate peoples' relationships to others, either strengthening their loyalty to the Volturi or shattering their alliances and turning them against one another. Felix was the second strongest non-newborn vampire in the world and probably the best at actual combat, able to visualize the flow of a battle so well that he was always at least two steps ahead of his opponents. He was good enough to counter Edward, a telepath who routinely used his mind reading to read what his opponent was planning to do… and Edward was in turn good enough to hold his own against Alice… who could actively read the future. But if those were impressive abilities, they paled in comparison to the Twins.

Possessing powers that were mirrors of each other, Alec could create an illusory darkness that stripped the target of all sensation, leaving them apparently floating untethered in a lightless, soundless void. His power, which could affect a great many people at at once, was slow to bring to full effect. In counterpoint, Jane (who was a tiny adorable thing) could inflict horrific pain, akin to that of being burned alive. Her power was intense, virtually instant, and absolutely crippling… but only worked on a single target at once.

So, I know what you're asking. Why didn't EssJay do something to crush these horrible people!? That… my friends, is an excellent question. The answer is that someone must reign in hell. And rein-in hell. Unless I wanted to dedicate myself to global vampiric extermination, someone had to keep the monsters on a leash… and that someone was the Volturi.

They kept vampires from making vampiric children, kept them from waging open wars, from converting entire cities into charnel houses… and they kept the other monsters, like the Eurasian Werewolf, under control.

Also… I didn't do it because my good friend Alice asked me not to. The moment we met, she'd gasped, clutched her head, and screamed. Once she'd gotten over the immediate shock, she'd explained that she'd never encountered anything like me before, a being that had suddenly appeared to ripple and change in her awareness of the future.

She'd had a vision in the moment I went from harmless little Sheila James to Sheila the Jumper, an unfolding that, to Alice's future sight had spelled overwhelming disaster. She'd seen the world burning as a result of my slaying the Volturi, and, since I could see the vision in her mind just as easily as she could, I knew she wasn't lying to me. And so, I stayed my hand.

The only significant change I made was to save the life of one Bree Tanner. It meant facing Felix to do it… and I have to admit that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to show that fat-headed murderous bastard just how much of a gap there was between someone who was gifted and someone who'd spent literally more time than the collective ages of the entire Volturi coven practicing the martial arts.

As a shapeshifter, I was fast. Add in all my other augments over the chain, and I was as fast as Edward, the fastest vampire shown. As a combatant, I had experience, I had telepathy… and I could slow my own perception of time… I also regenerated faster than anyone present could believe. I literally ripped Felix's arm from his body and beat him with it, leaving him a shattered mass in the snow. Standing over the defeated vampire, I sneered, "Pull yourself together, man." then, in a fit of pique, I pissed on him. Hey, when you're a naked canine shapeshifter? Sometimes you've just got to go with the flow. I tell you, he was not looking forward to the rematch when the final apocalyptic showdown happened at the end of 2006 (literally the end, it happened on December 31st).

After that, things cooled down between the Volturi and the Forks Folk. The Volturi's position was worse than in the novels, because there were nine more wolves, one of whom could fight the best and strongest vampires one on one, when normally it took a pack to take down someone that strong.

As the Volturi had retreated, I'd caught up with them and confronted Aro. "You want to speak to me… alone," I'd told me. Regarding me coldly, he'd nodded, stepping away from his guard after I'd promised to return him unharmed unless he was foolish enough to attack me.

"What do you want, animal?" he'd asked in flawless English.

"We can speak in Tuscan, if you'd prefer," I'd said, shifting to that dialect. "Or Attican Greek. I believe that's where you're from?" He didn't blink as I spoke a dialect dead three thousand years; he had better self-control than that.

"English is fine," he'd said, voice glacial. "You are here to threaten me?" he hazarded. "A warning to stay away from your people?"

"You're good at this," I said, showing my canines. "If you go after the Cullens, or my tribe, I will level Voltura and hunt every last member of your coven down and burn you to ash. If you send your people after those who sided with the Cullens, I will kill one of your guard for each that falls… starting with Chelsea and the Twins. Know that I will do this even if it means the world burns. You do not want me as an active enemy." He considered for many long seconds, then asked, "And if I send my forces against you?"

I laughed, then leaned in close and whispered in his ear, "I welcome the challenge. As they say in this day and age, 'Bring… it… on." Then I turned to black smoke as I apparated away.

Which brought me back to the shore of Cauldron Lake. Two full years and some had passed since the New Years Eve non-Battle, and I'd done my best to help the amber-eyed vegitarian vampires thrive in my neck of the woods. Sure, their presence was enough to awaken the wolf-spirits in many of the young men of the Quileute tribe… but it was a good thing, to my way of thinking. The magic should never go away… at least when it's of the light… and if the light needs a little darkness to get things moving, sometimes that's okay too. But there's a little darkness and there's a lot of darkness… and Cauldron Lake was not in the little camp.

Once again the black-suited special agent asked, "Agent James? Are you ready to go?

I nodded, sweeping my long hair back over my shoulder. I sooo needed to get out of this stifling suit. "Yes. I think so. I've seen everything I need to see here."

"Where next?" he asked.

"Oh…" I pretended to consider the question, then said, "Back to the airport I think."

Quirking an eyebrow behind his sunglasses, he asked, "That's it?"

"That's it," I confirmed

The Secret Service Agent didn't ask any other questions. As far as he knew, his superiors had told him to drive an FBI Agent from SeaTac to Bright Falls. And now we were going back. The Agency had given me an assignment… he didn't need to know it would never be done.

Back at the airport, darkness falling outside, I bid the Agent farewell and sent the limo back into storage… then flashed my badge to get on a flight bound for Mexico City. As far as I could tell, I wasn't on The Dark Presence's radar… and I had no desire to put it on mine. If it came after me anyway, there'd be a reckoning, but for now… I walked out of the airport in Mexico City, walked into the parking lot, and boosted the first luxury sedan I found. I left the city doing a hundred-and-forty and still accelerating, my high beams slicing through the night.

Ditching the car in Cancun, I found the most ridiculously large yacht in the harbor and asked the owner if he'd mind terribly dropping me off in Montego Bay. Once there, I met up the others, save Ahab who was off on his own Darkness related adventure.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, and Ziggy… Welcome to Jamaica," I said, raising my coconut full of rum-punch. I was not wearing a top. "Take turns, enjoy yourself… don't bring people back to the warehouse. We've got funds, but if you need anything more than reasonable food and gear, you'll have to work for it… or earn it another way. Try not to destroy the island. We've got five years here… Let's make it count."

Jamaica… land of rum, music, dance…. It became our home town, our den of debauchery, our way of avoiding the existential ennui of saving the world and leaving friends behind. There was darkness here too, it was probably unavoidable in this world, but like vampires, powerful clusters were rare and there didn't seem to be any real point in doing more than purifying any Taken we encountered. We lived like a crime crew, EssJay's 18 (a good number according to Judaism… and incidentally 6+6+6… making it a contender for the number of the beast).

Joy got a gig as a nightclub singer… she was… terrible. Ahab (when he finally showed up) got a gig as a bouncer… he wasn't. Velma and Bao did PI stuff, Uriel opened a surf shop. Cirno ran a shaved ice hut on the beach. It was a vacation, a way to avoid the rest of the world.

I… made comic books based on my adventures… or just random doodles or doujinshi. I had no responsibilities in this world, since the tribe was protected, no one to kill unless the Volturi did something stupid, no one to cripple unless someone other than the Volturi did something very stupid. There were the usual bad things happening in the world, and I certainly could have gone to, say, Zaire and topped this world's version of Robert Mugabe… but someone one would take his place. He was a psychopath, but he wasn't in my way and dealing with him was for his people. Same for the other tyrants.

The local police avoided us, the local crime bosses too. I flared the Slice of Life hard. I didn't want any trouble. Joy and Ahab (and the eyes of the Cullens) had given me the idea… Ian Fleming, James Bond, bungalow in the Caribbean. Just… drift away in margaritaville and find my lost shaker of salt. Short hot days… made short because I slept through them, long nights, drinking, painting, zero responsibilities. It couldn't last forever… but a few years would do. A few years to leave not so much as a ripple on this world, made for artists to struggle with their inner demons and young lovers to live forever.

Well, I had no inner demons. I knew who and what I was, and never stressed when the words didn't come or the picture didn't form. There was always tomorrow, always rum, and wine, and seafood. Always a jungle to explore or a fortune to be won or lost at the gaming tables. I found that, when it really didn't matter, the warehouse really didn't care how many of the others were out and about. They were just… chillin. I suspect that if there were too many in scene, things would be different, but at parties, at the beach, it really didn't matter.

I know you're hoping the Dark Presence tracked me down, drew me back to Washington for a final showdown. But that didn't happen. We're talking about a stealthy dark spirit that had trouble with normal writers (I did do some research on the foe). It wouldn't have had a prayer in hell of fighting me… Velma could have handled it by herself most likely. I was a damned big gun to bring against something like the Presence… and maybe it knew it. Certainly, the way I dispatched what Taken I did encounter by simply purifying them and returning them to their normal lives might have helped demonstrate to the entity just what the balance of power was.

There was also no climactic battle with the Court of Vampires, because Aro, at more than three thousand years old, knew enough to be patient. He thought he only had to outlive a mortal woman… and sure, the Quileute Shapeshifters lived extremely long lives as long as they kept phasing, but compared to the immortality of a Vampire? Not an issue… or so he thought. But I wasn't going to correct him. Maybe some day I'd come back and school him… but that was for later.

To be honest, I had more trouble with the FBI, wondering why one of their agents was in Jamaica, running up a monstrous tab for coffee and take away… and how come I was being chauffeured everywhere by a succession of what had to be highly bemused Secret Service agents, but just because the beancounters weren't cleared for Operation Jumper didn't mean the paperwork wasn't in order. Still, I was collecting a paycheck from them, the least I could do was to… you know, do investigate local things for them. It was something like 'X-Files: Jamaican Nights'.

In the end, the final showdown was with Alan himself. Lord knows how he found me, but somehow he'd become convinced that I was 'interfering with the plot of his book and stealing all his inspiration' and apparently, that meant I had to die.

Of course, the fact that he was trying to kill me with a flashlight and a revolver made the whole thing… laughable. Even if he managed to hit me with six consecutive headshots, by the time he reloaded, I'd have regenerated back to full health… especially since he kept shining that flashlight at me and boosting my regen.

"Wh… where am I?" he asked, once I allowed him to wake up.

"Sailfish," I answered, knowing it wouldn't mean anything to him. It was a nice bar and grill, good food, fairly touristy, but nice enough. "Try the rum punch."

"But I… this doesn't make any sense." He sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah?" I asked. "Have you realized that you left your wife at home and flew off to a tropical island to shoot a total stranger?"

"No… I mean… I was fighting you and then…" he looked around in confusion. "We're here."

"Oh… yeah. I whammied you," I laughed, sipping my thirtieth drink of the day. Got to try extra-hard to keep the buzz when you've got a metabolism like mine.

"Whammied?" he asked… half-whined really.

"Ensorceled," I explained. "I'm a goddess… witch… spirit… what have you. I'm not of this world. You know the Dark Place? I'm the other. Want to see?"

He nodded, still a bit dazed, taking a long pull of his punch.

"Good?"

He nodded again, then asked, "So? How does this work?"

I didn't answer, simply took him into the Palace of My Mind. I'd redecorated. The Palace sprawled across nearly three dozen mountain peaks, silver clouds swirling below and, above, massive storm clouds full of lighting and glory.

"Are… these buildings made of frozen fire?" my guest asked.

"To one way of looking at it," I non-answered, my voice coming from everywhere.

Goggling at the frankly stunning and impossibly real vista, he asked, "Where are we?" in a hushed and reverent tone.

"Call it 'The Light Place'," I said in my most seductive tone. "These are the palaces of my memory."

"And that massive one?" he asked, pointing to the largest structure, one that resembled the lost temple of Solomon, but redesigned by Frank Lloyd Wright.

"12,000 years worth of civilization," was my answer. I did not elucidate.

"But where is… you?" he asked, brow furrowed, cheek twitching.

"I am in everything," I said truthfully.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"Why not?" I chuckled, my voice like bells on the wind. "Not everything has a reason."

"Are you the Light?" he asked.

"If you mean, am I the antithesis of the Dark Presence?" I suggested, then answered, "No. It is beneath me. Beneath my notice really. It's your demon to defeat."

"But you could, if you wanted to?" he asked.

"Irrelevant."

"I don't understand."

"You lack perspective," I said kindly.

"You lack compassion!" he snapped.

"You cannot comprehend the strangeness that is me or the terrible weight of my compassion," I said without rancor.

"People's lives are at stake! If it returns again it might destroy another town." He was furious now.

"Tell me, Alan… do you worry about the lives lost in your books?"

"No… they're fictional people," he stammered.

"How about the lives lost in other fictional works?"

Rage fading rapidly, he allowed, "Well… I guess… sometimes… when I connect with a character and they die."

"So it is here. I see an entity struggling to free itself. It doesn't take children…doesn't outright kill… it's an enigma… I am disconnected from it… for me crushing it would be like a man kicking a dog… and it's not my dog. If you want it gone, write it gone. You're the author. Yours is the power."

I returned him then to the bar. We talked a bit longer, but it was merely noise. He was gone when morning came, back to his world of gloom and darkness. I wondered idly if he'd go the way of Hemingway. But for me, it was a couple more years of Oscar Wilde.

On the last day of the world, I found Kendra looking out at the bay. "Conflicted?" I asked.

"You don't have to ask, you can read my mind."

"I try not to do that to my friends…"

"Is that what I am? I know you didn't mean to bring me along."

"No. I didn't. I wanted to save your life and I forgot to pull you out of stasis. Honestly, I never found a time I thought you would be safe."

"I'm a lousy Slayer."

I shrugged. "You clashed with the theme of the show."

"It's very hard, sometimes, to think I am a fictional footnote, a character created only to die ignominiously."

"Better than the fates of many fictional characters. You had lines."

She laughed dryly. "I sometimes think about…." She waved her hand vaguely.

"Going home? I picked Jamaica because it was your home."

"You thought I might decide to stay?"

"Of my seventeen companions, fourteen are gifts of the chain, if you want to call it that. It would be unfair to claim absolute free will for any of them, though of course they're free to go if they want. Uriel invited himself… and I owed him… since I accidentally killed him. Toph… Toph I invited… but you? I never asked. You could return to Buffyverse if you wanted… but you'd have to be insane to do so… you could have left on any of the other Earths as well… but this is a nice enough one… you might be happy here. Fulfill your Slayer nature here battling the Darkness and the Taken and the red-eyed Vampires among other things."

She hmmmed. "No… I… I… I'm not unhappy. Just… who said 'You can Never Go Home Again'?"

That was an easy one. "Thomas Wolfe."

"Well, he was right," she sighed. "I thought about staying here…. But it's not my home. And no, I don't want to go back to the Buffyverse… I was… am… Nothing there. With all the Slayer potentials awoken, I'm not even The Slayer… at best I'd be The Ugly."

"The Ugly?"

"Good Buffy… Bad Faith… Ugly…"

I nodded "Gotcha."

"But with you… I'm The Jumper's Slayer. I get to help save worlds. Sure, I'm… third fiddle? Is that a thing?" I shrugged. "Third fiddle to you and Zane…. But we kick butt and do stuff. Plus, if I ever do go back, I want to be so powerful I can just punch Angel's pretty boy head off. I won't, but ooo… if he hadn't made Drusilla."

I laughed and put my arm around Kendra's shoulder. "You'll be fine. Let's go get some Rum."

"I did want to ask… why did you stockpile quite so much rum?"

"Planning for a Pirates of the Caribbean Jump."

"That's an in-joke, isn't it?"

"Oh… you might say that."

There was a circus tent dominating the central rise in the middle of the Warehouse when we finally piled back in, half drunk from the going away party. Sure, the last decade hadn't been much of a challenge, and the years spent in the Caribbean had been anything but work, but a leave-taking is still a decent reason to party, even if the celebration was celebrating the end of vacation. One last fling before it was back to the grindstone, right?

On the flap of the tent was a note. It said, "A five-year long vacation? Hope you've rested your brain. What do you think this is? Summer Camp?"

I blinked at it, then groaned.

Zane mmmed? "What's up?" He was wobbling unsteadily and half-dragging Kendra, who was barely coherent. AJ and Francine were tele-carrying most of the others, as they'd largely drunk so much that walking was out of the question. Rum is really wonderful. Having a Medbay that can replace livers is even better.

Palming my own face, I shuddered, then explained, "I just recognized this tent."

"It's a tent?" Zane asked. I was pretty certain that he didn't doubt the tent's tentiness… is that a word?… but rather questioning how a tent could be special. Or he really could be that drunk. I decided against reading his mind to figure out which; even at the best of times, Zane's mind is somewhat scary to gaze upon.

"It's from the final level in Psychonauts…" I half-whimpered. "The Meat Circus… that's why it looks like marbled meat."

"Oh…" he made a face, peered closer at the fabric, looked like he was going to retch, then focused enough to grunt, "Gross."

"Yeah… and a real fucking bitch. I hated that level," I agreed, then stepped inside and was unsurprised… and a little terrified, to be honest, to see the Psychonauts logo hanging over the machine. It would not have been out of place in BioShock's Rapture, it was that tacky. It was also not digital, but rather one of those screw dispenser machines with the big glass front… and a lot of freaktacular junk behind that plate. Part of me wondered if I could simply smash the glass and take what I wanted. I waved the thought away as that would, undoubtedly, be cheating… and I doubted there was enough stuff on offer to make the trouble I might get into worth it.

As I approached the machine, there was a thunk and a scroll dropping into the hopper. I hadn't seen it fall and it hit with much greater gravitas than mere paper should have had. Parchment too seldom went 'thunk!' Still, I fished it out… there wasn't even a double hinge security flap thing! I could pretty easily just snag anything I wanted using my arm… well, if I turned it into a tentacle… let alone TK… No! Clearly this was all temptation! No failing the obvious test!

Unrolling the scroll, I found that it contained a copy of Coach Oleander's intro speech from the game "The Human Mind: Six Hundred miles of synaptic fiber, five and a half ounces of cranial fluid, one-thousand five-hundred grams of complex neural matter… a three pound pile of dreams. But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield – and the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age – The Psychic Age – are fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward, you are all psychic soldiers, paranormal paratroopers, mental marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives!" It also contained a roll of 'Fifty Cranial Point' chips, twenty of them. That explained the 'thunk'.

In case you've never played the game, I'll give you the basic rundown. Raz, short for Rasputin Aquato… and he really was short… was the youngest member of a family of circus acrobats… and a gifted psychic. Having read about Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp in the pages of 'True Psychic Tales Magazine', he'd run away from home to attend, unaware that the camp was secretly a secret government training facility for the titular Psychonauts, psychic spies. There, he discovers a plot to turn the campers into cybernetic brain-tanks… as in shooty-shooty boom-boom tanks, not floaty floaty non-explodey tanks. Behind that plot are Coach Morceau Oleander, the camp's psychic-fitness instructor, and an insane dentist named Dr. Loboto.

Assisting Raz in opposing them are the camp's three other councilors / Psychonauts agents: Milla Vodello (mod generation and fabulous), Sasha Nein (psychic James Bond), and Ford Cruller (ancient and batty as a fruit-bat holding a Louisville Slugger)… plus Lili Zanotto, the love interest and daughter of the head of the Psychonauts organization, and Dogen Boole, the camp well meaning idiot… who thinks squirrels are plotting against him and who wears a tinfoil hat to keep from making other peoples' heads explode by accident.

It should be noted that, since Whispering Rock gets its name from a massive psytanium meteor that fell in the area hundreds of years ago, forming the nearby Lake Oblongata, much of the local wildlife is actually psychic, and thus the squirrels very much could be plotting against him. There's also an old ruined insane asylum on the island in the middle of the Lake, and a ruined town at the bottom of it.

The Meat Circus is, as I've mentioned, the final level of the game, and it is in that place that Oleander's fear of his father (a butcher) and Raz's fear of his own father (a psychic circus acrobat) fuse to create the final boss of the game. In the end, Raz fixes Oleander's psychosis, and Raz's father shows up to help Raz deal with his own personal demons. The game ends with Raz, Lili, and the Psychonauts flying off to save Truman Zanotto (Lili's father) who has been kidnapped. And all that happens within about a week.

What was I supposed to do for a decade when the story lasted a week? I read the rest of the note and winced… apparently I was to spend the entire time 'involved' with the camp. Ten years… TEN YEARS at a Summer Camp for psychic teenagers! It wasn't that big a camp! Maybe there'd be field trips? The note did promise crazy psychic adventures.

There wasn't an age die in sight, nor any way to randomize starting location… which I guess made sense, seeing as how, again, it wasn't that big a camp. Walking from one end of it to the other would take maybe fifteen minutes… twenty if I walked to the island in the lake (yay for All Terrain Hiking!).

I checked the note again. Nothing else. So I checked out the machine. The top row had three double roller items; Camper, Instructor, Random Drop-In. Below each was what were clearly each origin's perks, since the prices for them weren't listed, but they were color-coded. Oddly, one item was halfway under both Camper and Instructor. I studied the various names, and found that each had description under it.

Reading through the various options, my choice was obvious. It wasn't even a close run thing. I had to have two of the three capstones, which meant only Camper and Drop-In were even in the running, but since Campers got two companions free, each of them getting six-hundred Cranial Points… and if I bought a third, all three of them would have nine-hundred each. Sure, I could have bought eight slots for three-hundred, but each of them would only get that same three-hundred. Much better a few powerful allies / friends than a team of low powered muffin-macguffins.

I locked in my purchase of Camper, spending the hundred and wondering yet again why so many jumps charged me for not having any connection to the world I was jumping into. Who decided that Drop-In would be the default? Shouldn't I get points back for that? Grumble grumble.

As the machine vended my Camper pack (it was a Whispering Pines Uniform… kinda like a wilderness scout's uni, plus an eight-sided die, an ID request form, and a bandana with my cabin's badge on it. Crouching Ferret Cabin. Good Name.), it also vended a foam rubber brain, a cloth bundle, a Y-shaped metal rod with a crystal suspended in a bracket at the tip opposite the handles, two 'Companion' badges, and a blank merit badge.

The foam brain was for 'Basic Braining', and was free for everyone. Basic Braining was the merit badge Raz earned in the game for completing the first level, the tutorial mental obstacle course inside Coach Oleander's mind. What that meant for me (and my imported companions) was that we'd been trained in navigating mental obstacle courses… basic acrobatic feats like swinging on trapezes, bouncing on trampolines, and (of course) performing psychically boosted double jumps that, yes, worked in the physical world as well. It also included training in psychically-assisted hand-to-hand combat, sorting another's mental baggage, and accessing someone's mental vaults.

Mental Baggage was, in fact, baggage inside the mind of another. Everyone had it (at least in the game) and was one of the five different kinds of collectables in the game (Mental Vaults, Mental Cobwebs, Figments, Baggage & Tags, and Psytanium Arrowheads). Of them, only the arrowheads existed in the physical world, a stand in for currency… and Figments were just figments of the individual's imagination and were bloody everywhere! They also doubled as collectable experience points to upgrade Raz's powers. I doubted they'd work that way for me… but we'd see.

Each of the ten minds / levels in the game contained five pieces of mental baggage (duffle bag, hatbox, purse, steamer trunk, and suitcase) and their matching tags, and matching each one earned the player a reel of Primal Memories (i.e. concept art). What sorting them in actuality would mean was anyone's guess… but I was vaguely looking forward to finding out if it really could be used to clear up emotional issues. Incidentally, all the bags cry continuously in a modulated version of the voice of the… host i guess you'd call it… until they are matched up with their tag… so the likelihood is high that sorting the baggage might actually be helping.

In the spirit of helping, Mental Cobwebs formed from disuse and they block off access to parts of someone's mind. Too many of them can literally drive someone insane, and cleaning one out with a psychic cobweb duster (which looks like a vacuum) will restore the person's access to the memories and skills hidden behind them… as well as potentially allow a Psychonaut deeper access to the mind of the 'patient'.

Opening Mental Vaults wasn't helping so much. Not really. At least as far as I could tell. The vaults were animal-like safes that one had to beat up to uncover repressed memories. Unfortunately, those memories could be false or entirely manufactured, which wasn't ideal.

So yeah… Basic Braining was almost entirely about invading someone's mind, not as a reader, but as an actual projection into the mind of the individual, able to interact with the mental environment as if it were a physical space. The level of access that would give me to the inner workings of the minds of others would be quite a lot higher than normal telepathy gave, although the level of personal effort and risk was greater, as the mind's defenses (including weird little dudes called 'Censors') would actively and passively be trying to fight me.

Of course, the worst they could do would be to boot me out and make me a bit fatigued… or at least that was the worst shown in the game. It was possible that stronger minds would have stronger defenses. The perk might not protect me from those defenses, but it did include an added bonus in that it would decrease the level of disorientation I felt when astrally projecting, whether or not I was actually entering someone else's mind… which was good, as I really didn't like astral projecting specifically because it was fucking unnerving to be floating around without a body, unable to interact with the world around me! I cannot express just how creeptastic I found that.

The bundle of cloth turned out to be my 'Merit Badge Belt', a camp sash designed to will allow me to display my powers and skills as scouting merit badges. Sure, it was a purely cosmetic thing, useful only for bragging, but it might impress some people if I explain that each one was a superpower, skill, or area of expertise in science/magic/martial arts that I possessed. Despite being properly fitted to me at all times and in all forms, the sash would always have space for each badge. So that was nice… if a bit silly. I had a loooot of skills, thanks in no small part to having lived for more than ten thousand years as scores of highly educated individuals.

Thankfully, the way In-Jump Personas worked meant that I was not constantly being overwhelmed with the separate thoughts and memories of the two-hundred different people. In case you're wondering what I'm on about, there were a hundred-and-seventy-eight King-Priests of the Maegi, and this was about to be my thirty-sixth jump. I'd been a drop-in (which meant no personality overlay) twelve-times, and one of those jumps had been Civilization. Thirty-five minus thirteen is twenty-two, and twenty-two plus a hundred-and-seventy-eight is a fucking huge number of personalities… which would make one of my new purchases very interesting indeed… but I'll get back to that in a bit.

Back to the other stuff that the machine had dumped into the hopper when I'd paid for my background… after putting on my new uniform and adjusting my bandana until it was as cute and kicky as could be, I tossed the d8 into the hopper, where it came up a nine (the numbers on it ran from seven to fourteen). I promptly shrank to the size of a fairly small nine-year old. Oh goody. Puberty again! Weeeee!

The next item was the ID request form, which I filled out in the name of 'Sio Jang', a Laotian-American girl with albinism and violet eyes (because psytanium is purple) who liked to collect beetles and wanted to be fireman when she grew up… having totally misunderstood exactly what a fireman did for a living. I slid the form back into the machine (there was a slot for it) and the machine obligingly vended my shiny new camp ID, birth certificate (San Francisco, California), social security card, american passport, and home address statement.

AN: San Francisco is home to Psychonauts developer 'Double Fine' and also one the US's largest Laotian-American Community. Educational, huh?

And speaking of psytanium, the Y-shaped thing was my free Dowsing Rod which would help me find buried deposits of the rare (and dangerous) psychoactive metal. Of course, since there was no psytanium outside of the PsychoVerse, it would (in other worlds) point to large concentrations of psychic energy, which could certainly be useful if I ever found myself in, say the Warhammer Universe, famed far and wide for its lunatic psychic metaphysics.

Which left only the blank badge, which was the one free 'Psychic Specialization' I got for being a Camper (Instructors didn't get one free, but got a discount on all purchases of them, so it balanced out). A psychic specialization meant that user was particularly good in a specific subset of psychic powers, such as telepathy, empathy, lumokinesis, psychometry, or the like. As for how good? Well, a single purchase would give the taker the ability to remain invisible for a full day before having to recharge, telekinetically wrestle the bears at camp, telepathically talk to plants (a rare ability), or treat a canoe as a speedboat with psychomotor impulses! It wouldn't, however, make the taker the best in their area of expertise.

The text stated that the cast of the game were a decent metric for how broad a specialization could be or how powerful, which was (to my way of thinking) a duh statement. Still, while you couldn't get to the number one slot simply with Psychic Specialization, buying a second specialization for a specific subset would put one in the top three… with a bit of practice. Two was also the maximum that could be applied to a single subset… but these specializations were little more than a baseline. Given the amount of time me and mine had to practice (plus learning and training amplification perks), we'd have much further to go before we reached our limit than any local would have.

Bearing all that in mind, I considered the options for a long minute before pressing the badge to my forehead as the included instructions directed, and formed a mental image of what I wanted. One of the characters in the game, Elka Doom, was a Precog. One of the powers that Raz learned over the course of the game was Invisibility, though the best at it was Milka Phage. Raz's version was good enough to be able to fool everyone but the infrared equipped G-Men in the Milkman's mind.

I wanted neither of those, but rather a hybrid. What I wanted to specialize in was something right out of the pages of my favorite novel… or rather, its third sequel, 'God Emperor of Dune'. What I wanted had taken the titular character thirty-five hundred years to breed into existence in a genetically viable human being. It was called 'Precognitive Invisibility'; that is, a resistance to being anticipated with precognitive abilities. Considering the kind of enemies I was going to run into, sooner or later? It was best I sourced that ability as soon as possible. Now was as good a time as any.

As I drew my hand back from my forehead, the badge fell away, fluttering down to land on the sash, where it promptly sewed itself in place, a brain, half of it visible, the other half outlined, embroidered on its face. Success! Of course, Ziggy decided that my squeak of delight meant that it was time to steal something, so I spent the next twenty minutes chasing the sash-thief around the warehouse. Who needs an exercise regime when you have a Ziggy, I ask you?

Once my sash was safely back around my torso, and Ziggy was safely asleep on my head, I spent the lion's share of my Cranial Points on those two 'Must Have' capstones… in fact, counting the hundred I'd paid to be a Camper, the nine-hundred the pair cost me bankrupted me. I'd have to go into Drawbacks to get the last hundred I needed for my companion import plans.

The first capstone, the Camper's 'Three Pounds of Dreams' would be a game changer. Remember how I said that Psychic Specialization was merely a baseline and that, given enough time and training I'd be able to reach the peak / limits of my psychic potential? Yeah… Not with Three Pounds of Dreams I wouldn't. My three-hundred meant that my mind would never lose its ability to change and evolve, meaning that I'd always be able to make noticeable improvements as long as I kept putting in the effort to push my limits.

So yeah, it meant I was now that special one in a million psyche destined for mental greatness, that my mental defenses would compare favorably to a tank's armor, while my mental strength would be like unto a battering ram. And yet all that was as nothing in the face of my newfound potential, a potential that meant that learning and mastering new psychic abilities and skills would take me less than a few days. Hell, given sufficient motivation, challenges, and training to push my development I would be able to replicate Raz's feat of mastering eight different psychic abilities in a single day. Three-hundred Cranial Points never spent themselves so fast.

However, as much as Three Pounds was a gamechange in the psychic power field, it was as nothing compared to the Drop-In Capstone, 'Astral Layers'. Three Pounds would make me more powerful… but Astral Layers would make me… more me. Two-hundred times more me, to be specific. Possibly more. Does that number look familiar? Yeah, it should.

See, what Astral Layers did was make every version of me, at least one from every jump, a seperate / independent layer of who and what I was. Within my mind (and remember that my mind was already a palace) they'd be able to act as independent Psychonauts, defending said palace from all intruders and dealing with any disturbances that might arise (say confusion or fear effects). Sure, outside of my own personal mindscape the only effects of Astral Layers would be the increased mental fortitude from the bolstering of my sense of self. Within my mindscape, however, my mind would be transformed into a fortress garrisoned by the many aspects of myself, each providing their own unique perspectives that could prove to be a valuable source of advice and insight, although not without their own biases. Speaking with my id could prove impossibly useful in resolving any repressed issues I might have, but less so when dealing with the nuances of high society.

A psychic learning boost, a psychic defenses boost, and a psychic strength boost, all for only nine-hundred? I wasn't passing them up… but I had to wonder… if I jumped to Babylon 5 next… just how close to transcendence would I be? Could I fight a Vorlon head to head? That was for later, but still I had to wonder.

As I locked in Astral Layers, I could feel my mindscape coming alive as more than twenty Jumpselves and a hundred-seventy-eight Magi Manifested, as well as a double handful of beings I recognized as aspects of my original psyche… my sense of justice, my rage, my lust, my competitiveness, and others… coalesced out of the various clouds and populated the once empty halls of my Mental Palaces. Librarian of Memories, Cataloguer of Dreams, Conservator of the Mental Gallery, Custodian of the Forgotten… they formed slowly but deliberately, establishing a hierarchy before the Throne of Me… a throne awaiting a future self who was not yet come. It was a throne for she I was becoming, and the hierarchy had room to grow, since it would clearly be doing so for the foreseeable future. Still, I, EssJay, remained the queen of my own mind, my other selves kneeling all around me and pledging their existences to mine.

And speaking of planning for later, some of the gear was incredibly spiffy… a regenerating cache of Psitanium, a mental cobweb duster and psychic loom two pack, and my very own psycho-portal (a door used to make entry into the mind of another easy peasy)? Collectively they'd cost me four-hundred which I didn't have… and I still really wanted to buy a third companion import. At two, Zane and Velma would get a nice chunk of Cranial apiece… but with three, Zane, Velma, and Francy would each get an even larger boost. But all that would cost me five benny-benjamins. I could aim for six-hundred Cranial of Drawbacks and take the Instructor Capstone… but while that would improve my brain-diving to the point where I wouldn't need the Psycho-Portal, I'd have to pass on importing Francy and the Psitanium… So that seemed unlikely. I mean, I also kinda wanted the awesome sounding Molotov Milk (Builds healthy bones… then blasts them to smithereens when it detonates)… but I already had a regenerating supply of grenades.

So, I certainly wasn't willing to go too crazy on this jump, but I was going to have to dip into the well of suck just a little to afford anything else. Unfortunately, there weren't a lot of options… not even the normal nine choices. In fact, there were only six total drawbacks (two each at three different price points) to pick from, though in theory I could have taken all of them for a total of thirteen-hundred extra (there was a bonus for combining two of them). But like I said, not too crazy. This world would be bonkers enough without my going hogwild.

That meant ignoring the two three-hundred pointers, 'Hand of Galochio' and 'Loboto-mized'. The first was a gypsy curse that turned water into my kryptonite even worse than it already was Rasputin's. For him it didn't mean game-over. For me? It would be a chain-ender. The second was the very definition of 'Too Crazy'… as in 'All-out, absolutely, lock-her-away' crazy. The kind of crazy it would take an elite team of Psychonauts to put my head in order… if it were even possible, given just how powerful and strange my mind was becoming.

Still, that left a potential pool of six hundred and I found five-hundred I could deal with pretty easily, in the form of 'Let's hear it for Jumper! Yay!', 'One-Jumper Camp Staff', and 'And Now I Have to Wear this Special Hat'. None of them sounded like fun, to be certain, but each of them should be manageable.

The first, and the cheapest at one-hundred Cranial Points, was the annoyingly named 'Let's hear it for Jumper!', which would saddle me with the two most obnoxious and eternally upbeat psychic cheerbrats in the entire camp who would continue to cheer me on no matter what happened… and since they were psychics, that would include following me into the minds of others. Still, it was merely annoying. I'd been a middle school; I could cope with annoying

Of course, the other two were two-hundred pointers, and they were doable, if much more than merely annoying. 'Special Hat' referenced Dogan… remember him? The kid who wore a tinfoil hat to keep from making others asplode with his mind? Yeah. That. Essentially, 'Special Hat' gave me problems controlling my psi powers… but gave me the means to control those problems… i.e. wearing a special (tinfoil) hat. Look. I know I'm a bit silly, but any drawback that requires a hat, tinfoil or otherwise, was a taker in my book. Hats are cool. I could totally do this, especially with a little bit of enchantment (ala Harry Potter Magic) to keep said hat from coming off my head.

'One-Jumper Camp Staff' was more in that vein; a problem that came with its own solution. Sure, it was almost certainly a bad idea (as it would fragment my mind into a set of alternative, job specific, personalities), but the text specifical said that as long as I had a large chunk of Psitanium on my person, I'd be able to remain stable and cohesive. Since I'd be using the points that drawback provided to, you know, buy a giant lump of Psitanium… one which instantly respawned in my warehouse if lost or destroyed?

Part of me suspected that it couldn't possibly be that easy to cheese the drawback… but it was right there in green and yellow! I'd have to experiment with how much Psitanium was enough… then use more. Like… three such chunks. Even at its worst, however, those various personalities wouldn't be counter to my goals, they'd just be unable to help my allies unless they wanted, you know, a burger from the camp commissary or to rent a canoe from the boat dock. It wasn't as if I really had any goals in this weird setting.

And that was five-hundred! Now back to my regularly scheduled shopping. First, I bought the Psitanium, which was fifty pounds (a little less than twenty-three kilos) of pure extraterrestrial psycho-reactive metal that made psychics more psychics (and unstable people more unstable) over prolonged exposure. It could be worked into items (such as arrowheads… or, you know… psitanium foil, psitanium bracelets, psitanium diadems, psitanium earrings). Sure, one way of looking at it was as if I'd spent a hundred CP to counter a two-hundred point drawback, but the other way to look at it was that the two-hundred point drawback was subsidizing my future psitanium research and leaving me extra CP to spend on something else…

Like the Cobweb Duster, which would allow me to collect mental cobwebs while inside the minds of others, not only clearing up their minds, by refreshing old skills and uncovering old memories, but also allowing me to use the included Psychic Loom Warehouse attachment to create my own PSI Cards. The only problem with that was that I didn't know what actual good said cards were.

In the game, Raz leveled his psychic powers by increasing his 'PSI Cadet Rank'. He did so by completing various challenges (a scavenger hunt, sorting mental baggage, beating the PSI-Punch in Coach Oleander's Basic Braining level) or by finding PSI Challenge Markers scattered around the camp and island, usually in hard to reach places. However, it was also possible to create a PSI Challenge Marker, and that's where the loom came into it.

Nine PSI Cards could be combined with an item called a PSI Core (purchasable from the camp store using psitanium arrowheads) to create a Challenge Marker. Simple so far, right? Well, there was one minor and one major problem associated with the entire process, as far as I was concerned.

With the Duster, and given enough time and patients, I could have a theoretically trans-finite number of cobwebs, which translated into a trans-finite number of PSI Cards. What I didn't have a source for was Cores. Presumably, they could be manufactured, since they were sold at the camp store and the challenge markers were just left random places where any camper could (in theory) collect them… but I had no way of verifying that, as neither the lore I had from playing the game several times nor the information the machine was providing spoke to the possibility.

The other problem was more pressing, however, and potentially a deal-breaker. What, exactly, did Challenge Markers do? Was PSI Cadet Rank a real, measurable thing? Or just a metric the camp used to award participation? In other words, were Challenge Markers actual psychic boosts… or merely weird trophies? Since all Challenge Markers and Cards were found in the real world, that suggested the second was possible… but since rank could be earned by non-physical acts (sorting baggage)? That spoke to the first being maybe true? Shit. I hit the help button.

"Problem, Cadet?" said Ford Cruller's face in hologram form on the glass of the machine. That was a first. An actual voice!

"Mmm… yes," I said. "Cores, Cards, Challenge Markers, Cadet Ranks… Actual boosts, or just participation trophies?"

"That's a good question!" he agreed… but didn't answer.

"Thank you for the praise," I snarked. "But how about an answer?"

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Honestly?" I responded, "I think they're useless, like the badges, merely praise for children. But that said, I think that if I'm paying CP for an item that can craft PSI Cards, there had better be a use for PSI Cards that may not, in fact, match the unstated elements of canon. Raz is powerful enough to actually be a full Psychonaut. That much is clear. So let's assume they are actually imparting some psychic ability… but not particularly a lot, considering that Raz can hit a Cadet Rank of a hundred-and-one in the game."

"Okay!" Cruller-Face said, "1% increase to your overall psychic power for every Marker you collect or craft."

"Speaking of Crafting, can I make PSI Cores? And assuming I can…" I paused, thinking hard, "Does someone have to have been imported into the PsychoVerse to use a Marker to increase their psychic power?"

"Also good questions," he agreed, nodding his head on his noodle-neck. Again he didn't answer.

Finally, I sighed and suggested. "How about this. Yes, Cores can be created. It takes a small amount of psitanium and some technical knowhow and focused thought, but it is doable. I assume that the Cores aren't consumed in the process of boosting the Cadet, but rather act as a catalyst to focus the psychic energy of the Cards, which are made by reweaving dense clots of mental energy… i.e. cobwebs… into a structured jolt to the Cadet's system. Does that sound reasonable?"

"Does it seem reasonable to you?" he asked, being either highly agreeable or deliberately vague.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't think it was reasonable," I half-snapped, then grumbled. "Cores should be reusable. It makes sense that the camp can recycle the challenge markers, just recharging them with Cards whenever a camper exhausts one. Also, that explains why there's only ever one on the shelf in the store. It's the same one each time. Or one of only a few. I assume that they have to be recharged somehow before they can be fused with the Cards, since if they could be used without that, Raz would be able to recycle the ones he already had."

"You put too much thought into these things," Cruller said. "Wouldn't you rather have fun at camp?"

"Yes, I'm certain I would. But I like knowing how things work and what good things I pay for are!" I did snap this time. "And just for that, I'm going to assert that anyone with any level of psychic potential can benefit from a Challenge Marker, though obviously, it's still going to boost their power by 1% of their base… not 1% of my base."

He sighed, nodding his ancient head. "Sure sure. Whatever kid. You gonna make a purchase or waste my time some more?"

I flicked him off and he vanished. Soo helpful. Turning back to the machine, I paid two-hundred for my very own personalized Psycho-Portal! That was a miniature doorway one could throw at another person to allow you to project yourself into their mental world. It could also be used to allow multiple users to enter a single target at the same time, or to allow the user to draw one or more willing subjects into her own mindscape… typically for training purposes.

It wasn't foolproof, clearly, as powerful mental blocks could be established to block Psycho-Portal access, and there were built-in blocks preventing use of it on the minds of minors (due to laws protecting underage minds)… but those were technical elements. It was possible I… someone… could tamper with it to remove said locks… for some reason. Iff that seems unethical, remember that children have just as many psychiatric problems and traumas as adults do. Sure, it could be used for brainwashing… but honestly, brainwashing children is already bone simple… why else do you think certain religions want to control public school education so much?

And like that, I was left with only a hundred CP, exactly enough to buy the third import slot. Originally, I'd briefly considered importing Ziggy instead of Francine, since Francy was already a psychic, as were AJ, Petra, and Dyna. There were two reasons to go with Francy rather than the Zig. First, a psychic ferretoid would be… is bad news too mild a descriptive? Second, sure, four of my Mons were psychic types, but AJ, Petra, and Dyna all had physical skills too. Francine was the purest Psyker on the team. With their nine-hundred Cranial Points each, Zane, Velma, and Francine would, essentially, get the same amount of points I had gotten before drawbacks, at least once you tossed in the free origin (unless one of them was silly enough to go Drop-In). Hell, when we tossed in Ahab and Joy, I could practically restaff the camp if I wanted to.

Of course, speaking of Drop-In and silly people, Zane (naturally) went that way, which, in addition to Basic Braining & Merit Badge Belt, got him 'Ran Away From The Circus'. That gave him the skills of an exceptional circus acrobat, one having mastery of both trapeze and tightrope, with juggling thrown in for good measure. Beyond the agility, balance, reflexes, and strength he'd gain from that experience, he also gained a superior sense of showmanship.

He also got a complete collection of 'True Psychic Tales Magazine', which (as it said) included every issue ever printed, with a subscription for any new ones as they come out. Once we left the PsychoVerse, he'd continue to get new issues with articles based on our current universe's psychic events and community. That could (potentially) include articles involving our adventures. Somehow the mail-in order offers in the back of each issue would still work as long as we followed the mailing and payment instructions. If any issue ever got damaged, all he had to do was burn it and a replacement would appear in the Warehouse within four business days.

All that was free, but with his points he picked up psychic specialities in both Mental Shielding and Precognitive Invisibility, figuring he might as well go with a decent plan or, as he put it, "If they can see your partner coming, Invisibility ain't much good, right?" Which was nice of him to notice, but faintly worrying. Having never actually fought a precog, I had very little idea of how such things worked in practice.

He also bought 'Astral Layers', figuring that, as he said "More Zane is Always a Good Thing!" He offered to design a tattoo for me so I wouldn't forget. I thanked him politely… i.e. hit him with a pillow. He claimed it wasn't very effective. So I nailed him with the People's Elbow. What can I say, we have a somewhat combative relationship… blame it on the Pokemon.

For, quote, party favors, he picked up the 'Molotov Milk Crate', since it was fortified with what the world wanted… as long as what the world wanted as a tasty calcium rich beverage that burned like a combination of vodka and dish soap. It came in an old fashioned milkman's basket-thing, and in those nice heavy glass bottles with the seals on top instead of normal caps. Unfortunately, while the basket never ran out of milk, and Zane was free to share the milk… only he could ignite it. Still, nutritious and destructive. What more could we want? Well, chocolate might be nice, if I were being honest.

Velma, ever the pedant, went the Instructor route, snagging the freebie tetrafecta of Basic Braining, Merit Badge Belt, 'Department of Paranormal Education' , and her own Cobweb Duster. DoPE (haha) gave her a full course in the art of educating young psychics, which included premium methods of developing the present psychic abilities within her (potential) students (no matter how small), the ability to set up psychic training grounds within her own mind, improved control over her own mental censors (wouldn't do to have her mind's immune system trying to evict her students… well, not until it was time for combat practice), and the willpower to deal with a summer camp full of hormonal tweens.

"You know, Ess…" she commented, looking up from her gifts with background purchase. "You should cash your Duster out and take something else."

"Huh?" I asked, "After all the trouble I just went through to detail what it did? Why?"

"Dusters can be bought with arrowheads, right?" she asked.

I nodded slowly, not certain where she was going with this. "Yeah…"

She ticked off points on her fingers. "You've got a rod to find them, a block of Psitanium, and can theoretically borrow one of ours… and we don't need two looms."

"Three," interjected Francine.

"You're going Instructor too, Francy?" Velma asked.

"Of course!," the firey (in a purely metaphoric sense… you have to specify with poketypes) little psychic said, "They get a discount on Psy Specialities!"

"True," Velma agreed. "Anyway, that's my point. We don't need three Psychic Looms, which is the major point of buying this item. The duster itself is merely…" she paused, "A means to an end?"

I considered that for a few seconds, then nodded. "Okay. You've sold me." I rewarded Velma with a kiss… and Francy with a head ruffle. She blew her moustache at me in a grumpy sort of way, but I could tell she was pleased. We've been together a loooooong long while now.

Since I couldn't afford a second Psychic Specialty to boost me to the top tier, I decided to trade in my duster for DoPE as well if nothing else, it would give me better mental health and willpower. And if our Looms really could help activate otherwise dormant psychics… the training skills might be useful.

As for purchasing power, Velma picked up 'Psycho-Science', which meant she was now familiar with everything from the earliest metaphysical research to the cutting edge and state of the art in Psychic Technology. She knew how the Brain Tumbler worked, how to construct a Geodesic Isolation Chamber, how to make her own Psycho-Portal (Remember how most of the pre-existing ones included that built-in block to protect underage minds from being entered? Yeah, she could make ones that didn't have that), how to make PSI Cores (that hadn't been there when I'd read the description), and even how to build Psychic Death Tanks. That last included a how-to guide to properly extract and store living brains in jars… you know, for reasons! It also came with the knowledge of how to put those brains back inside a person's head. Mad Science for the win!

She also snagged 'Psychonautics', an unparalleled level of skill in psyche diving (unparalleled you know, unless Francy also bought it.), with the matching insight to truly understand the mind at its core levels. It made her a fully trained Psychonaut and expert in the field of Psychonautics in general, one who knew how to truly explore the human condition. It included knowledge of the various methods of achieving the altered states of consciousness to do so, though in her case, she could do it through will alone. It even came with the ability to explore the Collective Unconscious (think of it as a hub level, if you're still thinking in game terms), which would allow her to visit the minds of those she had a connection to… over any distance… as well as to tap into crowd psychologies! As an added bonus, she would also gain an increased ability at understanding truly alien, inhuman minds.

And with the last of her points, she bought not one but four Psychic Specializations. Well, two specializations (Psychic Transparency and Psy-Suppression) and one extra-specialization in Levitation. Transparency would allow mental attacks and scans to pass through her while she was using it. It was essentially phasing for psychic stuff. Suppression was a general dampener, great for controlling unruly psychic campers or mutant lungfish… yes, that was a thing in the game.

"Uh… Levitation?" I asked. "You can fly." It was true. Although she hadn't bought 'Soar' in Touhou, she was a Vampiric Magicienne and could thus use magic to, you know, fly… or she could turn into a bat.

"That takes magical energy. This is psychic energy," she said. "Plus, I hate turning into a bat… it makes my head throb. Also, this will work inside people's minds… I don't know if magical flight will."

I paused, then grunted. "Good point, criticism rescinded… also, this has slow fall mode, which can be good in emergencies." I summoned an umbrella and did my impression of Mary Poppins… though I don't remember that worthy having to dodge oranges thrown by her friends. Of course, I didn't dodge either. I let them bounce off my telekinetic shielding. Simpletons. I fear no fruit!

Francy, as promised, also went Instructor, Basic Braining & Merit Badge Belt, Department of Paranormal Education, Cobweb Duster… yada yada yada… but instead of being reasonable and getting a spread of perks with her points… she grabbed nine (yes, with an n!) Psychic Specializations: Psychoportation twice, Psychic Void (the ability to absorb psychic attacks and probes), Instance Heightening twice (the ability to make people do what they're already doing, only more so… focus on watching sports, sleep, look for the source of a noise, etc.), Domination twice, Telekinesis, and Psy-Stun. Ouch.

"Are you sure you don't want Three Pounds of Dreams?" I asked, "It'll cost you six of your picks, but might be worth it in the long run. It guarantees you'll never stop growing."

"You doubt my ability?" she humphed.

"Not doubting you, Spoongirl," I teased a bit. "I'm saying that biology hits a limit of diminishing returns. Three Pounds removes that limitation."

"I…" she began, then faltered, face showing how torn she was.

I held up my hand and began ticking off fingers. "You're thinking that quantity is better than quality, and I get that. I do. But you've got three doubles, you're already a TK and Stun master, and can Dominate with the best of them. That's six. Toss those and all your psychic powers, not just the ones you get here, will be able to improve as long as you make the effort."

"I…" she continued, frowning as she tried to work through the logic. She's very (very) smart, but she sometimes gets stuck in obsessive loops where desire wars with logic.

"Don't trust your old trainer?" I finally asked, not unkindly.

That earned me a hard stare, then she sighed and nodded. "Very well. You are probably right. I shall put my trust in your judgement."

"I'm sure the camp has some lovely spoons. And maybe we can make you some out of psytanium." That cheered her up.

Ahab and Joy decided to join me and Zane in the ranks of the Camper Elite, thus netting themselves Basic Braining, a Merit Badge Belt, and a Dowsing Rod… with Ahab picking Psychic Specialty (Sensory Invisibility) and Joy picking Psychic Specialty (Technopathy). That all squared away nicely, we dropped in. Ziggy complained about not being imported, but was mollified with Ziggy Treats, which are like Scooby-Snacks, but lamb flavored.

INSERTION

What can I say about Whispering Rock Summer Camp? It's Summer Camp… deranged teens and tweens doing hokey things like wrestling bears, assassinating squirrels, and performing psychic surgery on mental patients… what do you mean that's not normal for Summer Camps? What the hell kind of summer camp did you go to?

I'd like to claim it was all fun and games. I'd like to say it was fun in the sun and hijinks all the way… but… I… I made a mistake. I… shit. I killed them all. Well, not all. Not Clem and Crystal, little psychopaths cheering as I obliterated the camp and its staff.

My companions had a place to go, a place to hide until the storm passed… Curse that Loboto… can't hold a Psitanium Chunk when you're a brain in a tank. Can't wear a tinfoil hat when you're a brain in a tank… Brain in a Tank Me had only one mission, one task… destroy… obliterate… no controls. Nothing… all my powers unleashed by a single sneeze. Yes, in that world, you can sneeze your brains out… literally. Fucking Loboto, stole my Psitanium / tinfoil helmet, then hit me with a pepper bomb. Probably just wanted to see what would happen. Fuck him so much.

And fuck me. All this power… and all it took to take me down was a pepper grinder. The worst part about it? Part of my mind is trying to tell me that they were little psychopaths, too dangerous to be allowed out into the wider world, that the camp was a production facility for psychic weapons… maybe the voice is right. Maybe I did the… necessary thing… but I didn't do it for the right reasons. They may have been weapons, but they were also kids… and even if I didn't willingly kill them… I failed to save them.

My friends tried to come for me, to put me back in my body, but I was too out of control. All they could do was try and keep me from doing too much damage. If there is one kindness out of all this, it's that there was no way anyone else could control me. The government just sealed the area around Whispering Pines after all attempts to wrangle me had failed. I don't think they wanted to risk the possibility of someday controlling me, so they quarantined me, isolated me, contained me as they kept trying to regain control… or maybe not. Maybe it was all in my head. Who can say?

I have hundreds of conflicting memories of that period, each persona doing its own thing… or at least thinking they were, and the primary persona trapped in a mechanical mindscape of pain and induced paranoia, gunning down abominations and computerized targets, no way to differentiate reality from unreality. But even if those memories are false… are merely the delusions of a fractured psyche? How would I tell?

After the jump ended and I found myself whole, collected, me… and in my own body, I spent the next week or so doing my impression of someone having an emotional breakdown, curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. Too many years, too many layers, too much shielding for me to break down completely, but there was a guilt I could not shake, could not without discarding the memories… I so wanted too, but guilt kept me from doing so, kept me reliving them again and again and again, trying to figure out if they were reality or fantasy. I didn't even dare ask the others; how would I deal with it if they confirmed the worst?

And if I really had killed all those dangerous little brats… there was a terrible, burning question in my mind. Would I have been as deadly without the drawbacks? Did the lack of control and the fragmented mind-scape make me more dangerous? Less? Did they make no difference ultimately.

I suspect that my pure power level meant that once my brain was installed in that Psycho-Tank, the programming that came with installation would have made me a monster regardless. Maybe I'd have been even worse whole. They might have been able to control me then… but I can't be sure.

But regardless if the drawbacks were a net positive or a net negative, I was still to blame. I… I never thought to protect myself against the cartoon logic of the world, never really thought that I could fall victim to something as stupid as pepper induced de-cranialization. I'd been aware of the risk… but it had seemed too wacky to actually happen.

I guess this was a part of me I'd have to either come to terms with, or not. At least I hadn't killed them knowingly or willingly. That was something… A thin branch to hang one's sanity on, but when that's all there is, that's all there is.