This was not supposed to happen. This was not supposed to be the outcome. Everything was a haze. It was as if time had stopped for me. I tried to prepare myself like Ben told me to, but I never could; I always thought with a new venue and new judge someone would believe him. Nothing was worse than this.
"Ciara honey, let's go baby."
I looked around the room and it was just us who remained. Stefan sitting quietly behind me.
"No Mom. I need time, I'm not ready."
Walking out of that door would only make it real, cement his fate. Somehow if I stayed here, I felt close to Ben. As fucked up as that was, I couldn't face the reality of the world, the reality of the situation.
Everyone had doubts about Ben. No one listened or believed me besides the four people in this room with me. I was not ready to hear the "I told you so's" or hear all the whispers when I walked into a room, how I was wrong and made a fool of.
"Okay honey, I'll wait right here with you until you're ready." She took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.
"No Mom. Really- I just…" my voice cracked and I continued to cry. I didn't want to be alone but I needed some time to myself. To try and process it all.
I cleared my throat before I spoke again,
"Mom it's okay, you don't have to wait for me."
"Ciara honey, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be driving."
That was one thing I didn't stop to think about. I was not ready to drive, but I wanted to drive us home today. Ben and I. I fought my mom on the issue this morning. I guess I truly didn't prepare myself enough, somehow my mom was.
"Mama, this is not what I thought would happen." I said through the tears I kept trying my hardest to hold back.
"Oh baby, I know. This is not fair for Ben. I know I was not fair to him in the beginning Ciara, but he has kept true to every word he's promised you." I nodded slightly.
She took me in her arms and held me tight.
"Ciara, I am going to be with you every step of the way." She took my face in her hands and wiped my eyes. I hugged her back in return and turned to face everyone.
"Thank you guys so much for being here today. Ben really needed this support."
"Don't thank us Ciara, we're all here for him because we care. But I am going to head out, this is a lot for me to process and I want to make sure I get on the list for a las-" Will said as he stopped himself before finishing his sentence.
"For a visit with Ben." He stood up and bent down to give me a hug.
"Ciara, if you need anything at all please call me."
I nodded back to him as he turned to walk away.
I knew what Will stopped himself to say. He has to get on Ben's list for final visits. My heart sped up at the thought of a 'final visit'. How could I do it?
The thought of having to do that sent a shockwave of panic through me. I could not do that. I could not sign my name on that paper.
"I can't…" my voice trailed off as my tears fell faster my throat was dry and words were not coming out.
"Ciara, don't worry about that. I will take care of that for you." Marlena replied as she took my other hand and continued,
"In fact because I am one of Ben's doctors, I've already arranged with Justin and the judge a visit with Ben. I had to plan a negative outcome to this and unfortunately prepare this so Ben wouldn't be alone. I'm very worried about him."
I wiped my eyes again and took a deep breath before I spoke,
"I am too. I don't want him to be alone." Tears continued to spill. I don't think I will ever stop crying. This felt as if I was dying a thousand deaths over and over again.
"Ciara, I will make sure he is okay."
"Marlena... thank you. Please, tell him I love him so much and give him a hug if your able to for me."
Marlena smiled the slightest of smiles knowing the pain I was feeling. "Of course I will, Ciara. Hang in there."
She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she stood to leave.
Stefan made his way up to the seat next to me and sat down.
"Hope, would it be alright if I had a moment with Ciara?"
She looked up at Stefan and said,
"Of course. Ciara, I'm going to wait outside the door for you alright?"
All I could manage was a slight nod. She stood from her seat and kissed my forehead.
"Stefan, how did this happen?" I asked through a shaky breath. I continued to sob and put my head down.
"Ciara, come here. Let it out."
He took me into his arms and held me as I cried. He didn't speak a word as my loud sobs echoed throughout the courtroom. Every emotion, every feeling I was holding in came pouring out. I tried to be strong for as long as I could, not just for me but for Ben, but in this moment, I finally broke and the floodgates opened.
I was trying so hard to hold myself together but I couldn't do it. My heart wouldn't allow it. It was breaking and could never be placed back together. Ben once fixed my shattered heart but this time, there was no way he or anybody else could do it. I would be like this forever, I would be like this without Ben. The thought of living a life without Ben sent a shudder down my spine.
Stefan not saying anything was the silent support I needed. No judgements, none of the "it's okay, It'll be alright" because it wasn't okay and it wasn't alright. I didn't want to hear those things, I could not accept this. It was exactly what Ben would do if he could comfort me right now. Ben always knew just what I needed, whether it was to talk to or just to listen. It was almost as if Ben had given Stefan instructions or at least bullet points as to what to do. I sighed heavily, Ben was always looking out for me, protecting me. Those were just a few of the ways that he always showed me how much he loves me.
I lifted my head off of Stefan's tear-soaked jacket as I took a few deep breaths.
"I'm sorry." I said to him as I wiped my burning eyes. He reached into his coat pocket to hand me a handkerchief.
The coolness of the soft fabric felt nice against my skin. My eyes hurt so badly from crying.
"Don't you dare apologize, Ciara."
"You asked me how could this happen?" He continued on.
"The truth is Ciara, no one wants to believe the good in Ben. No one wants to listen to all the things we all have to say about the man he's become. Unfortunate as it is Ciara, Ben's fate was sealed the day the police showed up at the gatehouse." I sighed, partially kicking myself. It was my idea to call the cops as soon as we found Jordan's body. This was Ben's fear, that the police would blame him and wouldn't believe him-believe us and that he would lose me and the life we had worked so hard to build.
I put my head down and as I realized the reality of what Stefan said was right.
"I didn't mean to upset you by that Ciara, but I know how the law is for men like Ben and myself. When your past controls your future. People don't give us second chances It's hard for them to look past it even though the law also tells everyone they're innocent until proven guilty. I don't believe it; they made their mind up long before that judge today."
"I never would have thought it would come to this. I never could've ever imagined this would be the outcome. I'm feeling so many emotions. all at once but what hurts the most is that I'm not able to be there for Ben the way I want, the way I need too. It's killing me." I said as I put my head down again.
"Ciara, no. It's killing him more than you could even imagine. Do you know why I'm here today?"
The question puzzled me for a second; of course I knew why Stefan was here. I lifted my head to speak looking at Stefan confused.
"Of course I know why your here: for Ben. You're a close friend to him and he needed your support."
"Yeah it's that too but that's not the main reason, Ciara." Confusion washed over me as I felt like Stefan was talking like a fortune cookie. 'Fortune cookie', that made me think of Ben and my heart broke further than I believed to be possible. I didn't know what it was he was trying to tell me.
"I don't understand Stefan, I thought you wanted to be here."
"Ciara, there is nowhere else I would rather be than here for the support of my closest-and my pretty much only friend. But that is not the main reason why."
Confusion mixed with all of my emotions was not helping me think. Let alone have the energy to figure out what he was saying.
"Stefan, I'm confused. Please tell me what you're talking about."
He took my hand in his as he spoke,
"Ciara. I'm here for you."
A chill ran down my spine as Stefan's words sunk in.