What could he possibly mean by that, I asked myself. Ben is the one who is in need of support, not me.

"For me? What do you mean you are here for me?"

Stefan let out a half-laugh followed by what seemed to be an almost-nervous smile. "Well, not in the way that you think Ciara. Let me explain." He shifted in his seat and turned his body to face me as he unfolded his hands and draped his arm across the back of my seat.

"Okay…?" I turned in my seat to face him while rolling the damp handkerchief that was in my hand between my index fingers.

"It's actually something Ben wanted to be prepared for, Ciara; if this didn't go the way that you and he had hoped."

I put my head down and spoke softly replaying the events over and over in my head. Would it ever end? I was doubtful it would. The nightmare was truly just beginning, only this time there was no way out. My heart broke further, as if that was even possible.

"Nothing ever could have prepared me for this." I said.

"I know, and Ben knew that as well. That's where I come in."

"I don't understand what you're saying, Stefan. Ben and I were so hopeful that this was going to go in his favor. With Justin as his attorney and what Grandfather and Xander did to Will. Stefan, this is not supposed to be happening. This is not how this is supposed to end. This is a nightmare that I can't wake up from..." I let out a shaky sigh, "...that I will never wake up from." I put my head down again.

"Ciara, I know. Ben was hopeful that this would go in his favor because you were so confident. He fed off of that; your confidence caused his. He didn't want you to see how afraid he truly was. Ben wanted to be your rock and your anchor but in actuality, he was terrified, terrified of what the decision going the way that it ended up going would do to you. So, let me explain."

I looked up at Stefan, none of what he was saying was making any sense. Ben was so positive every time I saw him. We were so hopeful.

"About two weeks ago, I received a phone call from Ben, he asked me if I could make the time to visit, to talk. He said that I was the only person he could trust to help him with this."

"Besides Will and myself, he's right. Of course, he has Marlena as his doctor but as a friend you and Will are it."

"Yes, he explained that to me countless times. So I arranged my visit with him after he asked. He told me that the reason for the visit with me was that he had some concerns about you. He was scared, Ciara; scared that what happened today was going to be the outcome, but even more terrified than facing death was the thought of what it would do to you."

I put my head down again as more tears started to form. Of course Ben was worried about me. It wouldn't be Ben if he was concerned with himself, even when facing his own mortality. His number one concern has always been me. No one was able to comfort me and make me feel better or more loved than the way he had. I feel like I've told him that more times than I could count, but I hope he knows. Even now, Ben finds ways to make me fall more and more in love with him.

"I was so positive Stefan, so optimistic that everything was going to be okay and so was Ben. He never expressed any worry when I would come to visit. I told him of all the plans that I had for us when all of this was over, all of the things we would do an-and experience, and now…" my voice trailed off unable to finish the sentence. I still can't wrap my head around it, the thought of going through life without Ben by my side.

"I know Ciara, he told me how optimistic you were. How hopeful and sure you were that everything was going to be okay. Ben was too, you gave him hope. He told me he prayed like he'd never prayed before that you were right. He prayed for God to listen to him so He wouldn't take him away from you. Prayed for the truth to come out and for the nightmare to be over. But, there was a small piece of him Ciara, that was frightened, terrified, and just plain old scared. Very scared in fact, but he never had the heart to make you worry. He didn't want to pull you down and for you to feel the way he was feeling. He needed your light because all of this was darkness for him. You gave him hope. You've always given him hope. You've always been his light and he didn't want to become your darkness."

He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze and continued,

"So he expressed to me all of his worries and fears for what could happen. He asked me to be here today for you. That if it didn't go in his favor he knew how you would react. He knew how you'd handle it and it was killing him to know that he wouldn't be able to say or do anything to make it better for you. He couldn't wrap you in his arms and as he tugged on your hair tell you that it would be okay, that you would figure it out. He asked me if I could be that person for you, Ciara, a substitute anchor if you will; to make sure you were okay because he knew you weren't going to be and there wasn't anything he could do to fix it."

Of course, Ben put my feelings first. I turned again to face him,

"Stefan, I know I keep saying it as if it would change somehow or some way but I was so sure it was going to be okay. I didn't prepare myself for this because I couldn't. I couldn't face or think about this as a possibility… and now I'm forced to. Of course he sent you to be here for me. Of course, he's more worried about me that he is for himself. That's just who Ben is. He's the only person I know who could be facing his own mortality and still be more concerned about me than himself. I wouldn't blame him if he went into a selfish mode or blamed me, since I was the one who told him to call the cops when we found Jordan. But of course he's not. He's still more concerned about me. He held his word to me from our first date."

"That you're always going to come first." Stefan said finishing my sentence.

I nodded and cocked my head to the side slightly in surprised. A part of me couldn't believe that Stefan knew those little details but it made me happy that Ben had someone to confide in, someone besides me. More tears sprung from my eyes as I shook my head slightly and said,

"It's just one of the reasons why I love him so much."

I looked up for a moment thinking of how I could do this. How could I get up and walk out of this courtroom? It may of sounded silly but walking out of this room felt like it sealed Ben's fate. I just wanted to wake up in Ben's arms and all of this wouldwould be nothing but a bad nightmare, but the harsh reality reminded me that it wouldn't. I looked back down at Stefan.

"I cannot picture my life without him."

My voice cracked as he took me in his arms again as I shook as I sobbed. It was never going to end. The pain that I felt would never go away. I would live with this pain for the rest of my life, this broken heart and empty hole that is Ben Weston.

It comforted me to have Stefan here for me. I didn't feel comfort because Stefan wasn't telling me that it was going to be okay but because he knew how I felt. Ben must have prepared him for that because of how much I hated being told that at my dad's funeral that it was 'going to be okay'. That at the time was the hardest thing I had ever been through. Being told I was okay when I wasn't angered me like nothing else.

Everyone would just move on and forget kind of like how they did with my dad. Of course his memory lives on through Salem, but no one will ever miss him as much as my mom and I do. We are never okay when it comes to my dad. That ache will never go away and now Ben will be added to that emptiness feeling.

Now everyone would move on and forget about Ben, how hard he fought to be a better person, be a good man and someone deserving of love and a second chance, all the good he was doing. That was all erased and Ben would only be remembered for his crimes and the reason he died. Ben Weston: The Necktie Killer and executed for murder, a murder he did not commit. No one would care about that though. People didn't know the man I knew, so no it wasn't okay. It would never be okay. I was never going to be okay, not once Ben's heart is stopped and I would have to watch the life literally be drained out of the man that I love more than anything and I know loves me more than anything. They were taking away the best thing that ever happened to me. Taking away my future. Cementing his fate by taking his life away for something he didn't do.

Stefan let me cry and yell during these moments with him. Knowing he was here for me because of Ben helped, but it made me so sad that no one was there for Ben. He was going through the same emotions I was, only there was no one to hold him while he cried and yelled. If anything, he would probably be restrained. He was going to a cold, dark place; a place where people treated him so horribly. He was going to be alone with no support or comfort. He had to be so scared. I knew he was because I was just as scared myself.

"Stefan, I'm so scared. " I said out loud.

"I know you are, Ciara. I know that it is not okay, I know how you are feeling and the pain that you're in but, I want you to know I'm going to be here for you. Not just because Ben asked me but because I care about you. I'm not going to tell you it'll be okay. I know that that's the last thing you want to hear, but I hope my support shows that I care and am here."

"Ben must have told you about that didn't he?"

"Oh yes. He told me the story about your dad's funeral, about his death and how much you hated being told 'it was going to be okay' when it wasn't. You're a realist Ciara, he loves that about you. The whole time he told me that story, he smiled. He smiled through the tears he fought and he told me do not tell you it's going to be okay, that you always thought it was a fake sentiment because people say it because they don't know what else to say to try to make you feel better but it doesn't make you feel better. If anything, it made you feel worse because nothing will make you feel better but him and he won't be there to make you feel better. He knew that the only thing you would want was him."

It made me smile through the tears myself that Ben had shared that with him because no one else knew that besides Ben.

"I never told anyone else that, before and besides Ben."

"It makes sense to me when you think about it though," Stefan said.

"I thought nothing could ever be worse than that. Going through the death of my father was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced… until today."

I put my head down again. I sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke.

I picked my head up and turned around slightly, pointing my index finger to the courtroom door. "Once I walk out that door, I feel it makes it official, makes all of this real. If I walk out the door, it's like I'm saying I accept this, I accept this as our fate." I shook my head slightly. "I know that sounds silly. This is his fate where I stay here until I'm kicked out or leave now. But, I can't help it; I feel so close to him here, as dumb as that sounds. I wish I could give him a hug, I so badly wish I could."

"I get that Ciara this is not fair, this is cruel."

"Very Cruel." Just as I spoke, I looked up to the sound of my mom's voice.

"Baby, I'm sorry to interrupt but I just got a call from the station, they need me. I don't mean to rush you, if you need more time I can call Rafe in."

"Hope, if you okay with it I don't mind giving Ciara a ride."

My mom looked between me and Stefan. "Ciara, is that alright?"

"Yeah Mom, I just need a few more minutes."

"Take all the time you need baby and call me if you need anything. I love you Ciara Alice, and it's going to be okay."

I shuddered as she said that, but I love her so much and she is always here for me especially lately. Stefan eyed me knowing just what I was thinking as I gave my mom a tight hug and said

"Thank you, Mama."

She kissed the top of my head before thanking Stefan as she turned and walked away.

"Thank you for your offer, Stefan."

"I knew you weren't ready yet, so take your time. I'm in no rush."

Asking Stefan my next question took me a minute but, I finally got enough strength built up without breaking down,

"Stefan?" I asked as I cleared my throat.

"Tomorrow will you be arranging a visit with Ben?"

"Yes, of course, I will. Is there something you need?"

"Yes, actually I was wondering if it would be alright if I could come with you. I just-I don't know how I would do this alone. I don't know how I'm going to say… say good-"

Tears sprung instantly from my eyes, I couldn't even finish my sentence. I have never been able to say the 'e' word. Even now that it is our confirmed reality, I still couldn't. How will I look at him tomorrow and say goodbye?

"Ciara, of course. I will go with you." He took my hand again. I could not wrap my head around any of this at all, but I also couldn't even think about tomorrow. Nothing would ever prepare me for that.

I shook my head as my mind went to the terrified look on Ben's face today.

"Ughhhh!" I yelled "I can't, I can't do this. I can't." I wiped my eyes with the damp handkerchief.

"I'll be there. You won't be alone, Ciara."

"Thank you so much, Stefan, for everything."

"Don't thank me. It's what friends do."

I sat thinking about Ben for a few minutes, trying to give myself the strength to get up. As much as I wanted to say here and curl up in a ball, I knew I couldn't.

"Well, I guess I can't sit here all day. Right?" I let out a half-chuckle.

I stood up from my seat and Stefan followed suit. I felt shaky as I stood, so I grabbed the seat in front of me for balance.

"Here, let me help," he said to me as he anchored his arm out for me to hold on to. As we began to walk out of the courtroom.

"I can give you a ride home or somewhere else if you'd rather."

I took a deep breath as we exited the courtroom, I looked back for a quick second and remembered how excited I was this morning at the prospect of leaving here today with Ben in my arms and getting to go home with him. For the first time in over a year, everything would be right.

Now, I had no idea where I was going to go, where was home now? Since I met Ben, home wasn't a place, but was a person. Ben had become my home, Ben was where I felt safest and most secure. With Ben, I could take the armor off that my past trauma and pain forced me to put on to face the world. And now… now I can't even go home because I don't have a home anymore. My home is locked away in some hellhole on death row.

"Stefan, I don't even know what home is."