Sorry that most of these chapters will be pretty short. The length of the chapter will depend on the length of the episode(obviously).

So, in case you haven't read the books(I know I fucking haven't), I'm gonna give you guys legit recaps of the Thomas and Friends series.

In the first episode, we meet this little blue asshole named Thomas. He's a special kind of steam engine, but I don't care enough to actually tell you what he is. If you're really that curious, just look it up on Wikipedia or something. Anyway, Thomas is described as a cheeky engine, which is just a roundabout way of saying he's a self-centered little cunt most of the time.

But I guess he's gotta have a big attitude since he doesn't have a big dick, unlike this next guy. This next guy is Gordon and he's a bigger tender engine, which just means he(like a bunch of other future characters) is whiny and gayer than a twelve dollar bill.

But Gordon tends to hide his queerness and pretend to be some macho man, so Thomas fucks with him a lot to bring out his feminine side…no, not like that, you pervert…but I like the way you think.

Anyway, since larger engines are normally supreme to smaller ones, Thomas was born into slavery and has to serve them or else he gets sacrificed to the train gods. He usually just pulls coaches and trailers out for them, and takes them away when they're done.

But whenever Thomas gets a chance to catch Gordon sleeping, he'll sneak up and scare the shit out of him with an MLG air horn.

And Thomas is like, "Yo, what's up, ya big blue slut with the big queer butt?!"

And Gordon's like, "Goddamn it, Thomas! I was havin' a very nice wet dream!"

"Was it about cocks?"

"No! And for the last time, I'm not gay!"

"Ya know, the harder you deny it, the more it sounds like you're lying. You shouldn't lie, Gordon, especially not to yourself. You're gonna wake up one day and regret that you didn't live life to the fullest, and suck as much dick as you could while still in your youth. And it's not just you, Gordon, it's every poor soul hiding in the closet. They feel trapped when they really aren't, and they sometimes don't realize that until it's too late."

"Wow, Thomas…I'm still mad at you, but that was pretty fuckin' deep, dude."

"Yeah, you might even say it was—balls deep."

So, like any sane person, Gordon forms a plan to get back at Thomas by stuffing shrooms into his funnel in his sleep, which causes him to trip acid the next morning. And when he brings Gordon's coaches out, he's too blasted to notice that he's still coupled up and gets dragged along.

Now, the idea here is that Gordon wants to teach Thomas a lesson and show him who works harder, which makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is that Gordon's plan actually works.

Lemme explain. See, when you put a car in neutral, it'll still roll forward or backward easily. I'm guessing this is the same with trains, but what the fuck do I know? Point is, getting dragged behind Gordon wouldn't affect Thomas because he's not on legs, he's on fucking wheels. There's no energy to exert here!

*sigh*Fuck this show's logic, man.

Anyway, when Gordon finally stops, Thomas is set free and wishes that he hadn't been born into slavery.

And Gordon's like, "Who's the slut now?"

And Tom is all, "You…bastard…my wheels…could've broken into little pieces…"

"Relax, you twat, this isn't fanfiction."