So, Thomas is just dickin' around one day, and this bus named Bertie(real original, I know) pulls up, and…I honestly don't know anything about him because I really don't care.

Anyway, Bertie's like, "Oh, heyyy! You're that engine that was inhaled by a pile of cocaine, and then got his assed molested by a tractor!"

And Tommy's like, "Hey, whatever you heard isn't true! I wasn't fucked in the ass, I was just…saved from the cocaine pile."

"Ya know, the longer you stick to the subject, the weirder and less practical you make your case sound. And that's why I've come to take your passengers. You're obviously pretty fuckin' insane, and you should be sent to a mental hospital."

"Dude, if anyone cared how crazy I was, I, along with literally the rest of the cast, would've been sent away since the first episode."

"True, but you're dangerously stupid nonetheless, which means we're obligated to race each other in order to see who's more competent."

So then, these two start arguing like a couple of five years olds, and that makes me wonder…how old are these characters? I mean, they have their own jobs and they don't seem to live with any parents(if they even have any), but does that mean they're considered adults in this world? If they were, I'd take Gordon for someone in his mid-to-late twenties, and Thomas might be in his late teens. And even if they are adults, they certainly don't act like it.

Seriously, these guys fight over the stupidest shit sometimes, ranging from who's the fastest to who's the biggest and strongest. What's worse is that I can't tell if the way they turned out meant they had normal childhoods, or if it meant they had a childhood as fucked up as Henry's…and no, I'm not saying a child should live with some sexually-charged man in a brothel, I'm just saying…that…ya know what, fuck you!

Anyway, Thomas and Bertie start their race, and they finally apply some actual train physics in this show when Thomas has a slow start since trains are like hurricanes…they're slow to respond, and they don't have a lot of satisfying results(yes, that was a Jeff Dunham reference and if you don't like it, you can blow me).

Thomas eventually gets ahead at the engine crossing, and he's like, "Suck my dick, you long, red prick!"

So then, this shit goes back and forth and I lost track of it at some point because I'm fat and lazy, and watching these two is making me tired and sweaty.

But Thomas wins anyway, and he's like, "I may have won, but you did pretty good, too, Dude! And I'm not saying that 'cause I care about your feelings, it's actually because this is a kids' how and we don't want the targeted demographic to know that trying and losing means you fucked up in life, and that you should just give up."