Chapter Three

Dr. Carolyn Lam looked over the notes of a session with Vala from the SGC's resident psychiatrist, Dr. Hutchinson. Vala had mentioned that she was having trouble sleeping and that her nightmares had started again. She'd made an appointment to see the doctor and so Carolyn was just refreshing her memory as to what Vala had discussed with him after the traumatic incident last year.

As always, Dr. Hutchinson had found it very difficult to find a way to encourage Vala to let down her defences, honed from years of necessity, and share her true feelings. The only slight break in her hard-as-nails facade had been when he'd asked her if the experience of being a captive had in anyway reminded her of being a host.

'Why should it have? I mean being strapped to a chair physically is not the same thing as feeling like a prisoner in your own mind.

'What is the difference exactly?'

'Imagine drowning…no, being held down under water by someone stronger than you. You kick and fight to break through to the surface, get back in control of your life, your body, your thoughts…but she's holding you there, holding you down, watching you struggle and enjoying it…'

'They sound pretty similar experiences to me. Surely this experience had raised some old memories for you.'

'Maybe.'

'Did you struggle to come to terms with what had been done to you by Qetesh after you were freed by the Tok'ra?'

'I don't want to talk about that. It was a long time ago. Water under the bridge.'

'All right, we'll move on. Can you describe any of your nightmares to me?'

'I dream I'm Qetesh again.'

'And how does that make you feel in your dream?'

'Guilty.'

'Oh, why guilty?'

'For being too weak to fight her. For what I'd let her do. For living…when I'd let so many die.'

Dr. Hutchinson had tried to pursue this revelation further but Vala had clammed up at this point.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Vala arrived and was shown into Carolyn's office. Concerned that Vala had a lot of old hurts bottled up inside, she tried to get to the bottom of what had triggered Vala's nightmares this time and had led to her sleepwalking. Vala described the mission to Banyk'tel and was clearly distressed when she spoke about the bodies in the temple. Carolyn suggested that Vala needed to have another chat with Dr Hutchinson or with another professional.

"Really, I don't see how looking at ink-blots will help. Talking about things with him will just stir everything up. I've talked enough. Really, if you just give me something to help me sleep, I'll be fine."

Vala tossed her head and eyed the female doctor with what she hoped was the right amount of conviction. She knew if she looked as if she had it all under control, they'd leave her alone. Carolyn considered the woman before her and wondered how best to help her. It was true, she could give her something to help her sleep but in the long run this was just going to keep happening if Vala didn't deal with the feelings she'd been quashing all these years. What was the best way to get her to move forward? She'd have to do some research. Cognitive therapy might help in this case but finding someone with the necessary clearance might be tricky.

Vala suddenly found herself talking again, filling in the silence in the room. She didn't like silence: it made her thoughts too loud in her head. "No. Looking at blobs on paper, talking about my feelings…it's all…it's all…Well…honestly, seeing those bodies…wasn't that bad…I've seen worse."

Vala ran a hand over her face and was surprised when it came away damp with sweat. Carolyn handed her a cotton towel and said gently, "Vala, it was a bad experience on top of all the other bad experiences you've been through. Maybe this time, it's just one too many reminders of what Qetesh made you do."

"Maybe."

"I can patch up the damage on the outside: I can give you pills to help you relax and sleep but this is just going to keep happening…You've never talked out what you went through emotionally and found a way to leave it behind and move on. You're carrying it round with you."

Vala twisted the cloth in her hands. "Okay, yes, maybe seeing those ch…people in Qetesh's temple has unsettled me. Having nightmares about Qetesh…is a bit upsetting, I'll admit that…and seeing horrible memories of things Qetesh…seeing all that again is…but I don't need to talk about it. I need to learn to forget about it again."

Vala was vaguely aware that she was still rambling but she couldn't seem to stop the words from tumbling from her mouth. "Nobody in their right mind would want to hear what it was really like to be a host…I mean would you? Would Daniel? I wouldn't."

Carolyn noticed the anguished mention of Daniel but didn't comment. Was Vala afraid of talking this through with Daniel? Had he asked her? Was she worried about souring their newly emerging relationship somehow?

Vala was still talking: "I suppose if the Tok'ra had asked me how I felt when they rescued me…" she choked on the words. "That's when I should have had someone talk to me."

"Yes, I agree with you, Vala. You'd been through something horrific and you didn't receive any of the help I would have recommended. I'm surprised the Tok'ra didn't realise what trauma it had been for you."

Vala laughed. It was a brittle laugh that made Carolyn very anxious. "Why would they? They love having a symbiote inside them."

Carolyn said gently, "I'd like you to talk to someone, Vala."

"I don't want to talk about it…I can't talk about it…please don't make me!"

This last cry was so genuinely anguished, Carolyn struggled to stay professional. She wanted to give Vala a huge hug but that wasn't going to help her long-term. She also wanted to talk to her about cognitive therapy but it would be useless to try when she was so obviously distressed at the thought of talking to anyone. She'd try again when Vala was calmer.

She spoke gently: "I'm going to give you something to help you relax. Just enough for the next few days so that hopefully you can get some sleep. Then I want to see you again."

"All right."

As they walked out of her office, Carolyn spotted Daniel coming towards them. Vala wiped an arm across her damp eyes but, as soon as she saw Daniel, her face lit up with a smile.

"Hey, how are you doing, Vala?"

Vala nodded. "I'm okay, thanks. Still a bit crazy probably but better for seeing your luscious face, darling."

Daniel turned to Carolyn. "Is Vala well enough to come to the briefing?...We've got some information about the planet she dialled up last night."

Vala started walking away. "Oh goody, let's go. I am quite interested to find out what's so important about that particular Stargate address that it made me sleepwalk."

As the woman sauntered away, Carolyn caught hold of Daniel's arm before he could follow her. "I'm worried about what connection this planet might have to Vala's past. If she starts getting distressed, call me."

Daniel nodded and hurried after Vala. "Hey, wait up. What's the rush?"

Vala slowed her pace enough for Daniel to catch up. She linked an arm through his. "Sorry, just couldn't bear being scrutinised any longer…I just need to get back to work, keep busy."

"Dr Lam's just doing her job. She's worried about you…so am I." He stopped walking, forcing her to stop too. "You don't need to hide anything from me, Vala. You do know that, don't you?"

"Of course, Daniel." She swallowed down the feeling of sadness that was threatening to engulf her and crossed her arms over her chest. "Could we just talk about this later?"

Daniel recognised the body language was telling him to back off but the sadness in her eyes was begging him to help. He stepped closer, trying to close the emotional distance between them. "There's a saying on Earth 'a trouble shared is a trouble halved'…let me help you."

Vala looked away from the intensity of his gaze, swallowing down a wave of differing emotions. "I'll think about, Daniel…I promise."

She turned away from him but then turned back and hooked one arm through his. It was enough for now. Daniel touched her arm gently then gestured towards the stairs leading to the briefing room. "Come on then. I expect the General's waiting for us."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Vala flicked her gaze between the Stargate symbols on the briefing notes in front of her and the pictures on the screen that the MALP had taken of the planet she had dialled up. She now knew where she had been trying to go, she just didn't know why. Unless it had been to seek out some comfort from the family there who a long time ago had been good to her. She couldn't think of any other reason. Trenellin was a pretty average backwater of a place: small enough not to be of interest to the Goa'uld in the past, large enough for the few smugglers who operated out of it to be safely hidden away from any authority that might take an interest. She debated how much to say in answer to the question that was inevitably going to be asked.

"So does the place look familiar to you, Vala? Any reason you can think of that you might have dialled up their gate?" General Landry was giving her his best quizzical look.

"It's called Trenellin," Vala answered. "I used to work there…lived there for a bit…but I can't think why I dialled up their gate. There's not much there really. Nothing of interest to the SGC anyway. I guess I must have been dreaming about the old days and…I'm sorry to have been such a nuisance."

General Landry looked at her kindly. "You're not a nuisance. We're just worried about you."

Vala looked uncomfortable. "…I guess our last mission upset me more than I realised," she conceded.

General Landry stood up. "Well, I guess that's that…Vala, if you need to take some time off, just ask. We'd all understand."

"Thank you, sir…but I'm fine…really."

As the General left the room, Daniel took Vala's hand and said, "That might not be such a bad idea, you know. Maybe you should take a few days off…have a break from this place and all the crazy that goes on around here."

"I'll think about it, Daniel," Vala said as she stood up. "But right now, I'd just like to get back to work. I promised I'd help Sam with some experiments. See you later for dinner?"

"Yes, meet you in the commissary about seven?"

"Great," Vala said a little too brightly then bounced away in the direction of the offices.

Daniel watched her go with worried eyes.