CHAPTER 5
The hounds barked, closing in. torchlight lit up the dense forest metal glinted in the torchlight. an unruly mob ran through the forest. angrily screaming. a man stood against a cliff. certain death awaited below.
"yer not gunna escape this time boy." the most redneck sounding man said pitchforks raised. the mob moved in. preparing to kill the man. with a roar the man jumped off the cliff.
he screamed as he fell. wondering what happened to make this happen.
the body fell. eyes wipe open. he looks over at the camera.
"hey, you may be wondering how i ended up in this situation. and frankly it's pretty ridiculous. it all started about 2 hours ago"
flashback time
*gobble gobble grunt gobble snarf scarf.* the innkeep stood. stiff as a statue, stuck in awe of this man. who came in. and ordered everything. who knew that
"MOOOOOOOAR" luka snarled. whole turkey shoved in his mouth, "NO SALADS, MORE MEAT" he bellowed
hundreds of lbs or meat disappearing like only a starved barbarian could. "luka full," he burped. the innkeeper and other patrons stared. just how much could this absolute unit eat. luka stood, insides sloshing with ale, meat, and more ale. he stumbled upstairs and entered his room. being careful not to mess up anything as he flopped onto the bed. his empty scabbard dug into his back. "luka manly not dairy log 24, still can't find weapon manly and strong like me. only puny weapons for babys and womenfolk. will go check other towns meat good, man tried giving luka salad so luka killed him with fists. was good day.
luka sighed, dropping his not so womanly diary journal onto the floor, the pink unicorns only accenting its manliness. he drifted away. sleepy from ale and meat.
*urgh...huff...uhh...hmmm*
Luka heard noises. he awoke to see men tying him to the bed. "I, Luka, the barbarian, demand to know what the barbafuck is going on."
"damnit jimbo i told you we shoulda spiked it harder"
3 men stood staring at luka.
the second man slapped the first GAWD DAMN IT LEEROY. now he knows my name dumbass.
ignoring his companions the third man leaned down into Lukas face.
"ya see boy, this here village you have stumbled in. it's not a village. its a township. a township of family. my family, and all my cousin uncles. and my uncle cousins live here. my sister mom told us you were a threat and so we decided to get rid of you. no hard feelings"
luka was perplexed. what was an uncle cousin. why was it different than a cousin uncle. . . no focus luka
"release luka and you live, dont. and luka kill you all"
"aww shut up boy" a fourth voice from out of view, and suddenly luka saw stare and fell asleep.
once again luka woke up. but this time he felt different. his head hurt. and he felt chilly.
luka felt cold
WHERE WAS LUKAS LOINCLOTH
"uh oh, goooood morning princess."
luka wiggled, he was thrown over a log, hands tied, legs tied, but he maneuvered. he saw the three naked men from before.
wait
"Why you naked, put clothes on you savages" luka snorted "you get cold that way, Luka know"
the men looked at him, giggling like hyenas.
"well we cant toss your salad with clothes on right?"
"luka...luka no like salad"
"no no, you see. we're gonna pack some fudge"
"luka dont want chocolate"
"we're gonna dance the chocolate cha cha"
"luka dont wanna dance"
"we're gonna take turns riding down the Hershey highway"
"but luka dont want chocolate roads?"
"wow this boys dense...ya see boy imma take my womb broom, and flesh out your corn hole by having sweet dookie sex with ya"
"...luka...confused"
"well god fucking damnit christ almighty fuck me in the ass and call me a queer...im gonna fuck your asshole boy and make you squeeeeal like a pig."
Luka stared
the men stared
the forest was quiet
Luka opened his mouth
"you...want to sheathe yourself into Lukas scabbard??"
"now the boys getting it"
one of the men reached out, pouring something cold on Lukas tightening barbarian ass. gently caressing it.
Luka started to sweat. cold liquid dripping off his ass.
it was time to make like Lukas dad, abd never come back
luka flexed, his muscles bulged, the ropes were ripped to pieces like a black kids dream to meet his dad.
Luka jumped up, naked rednecks knocked back from his sheer power.
luka located his loincloth, and put his clothes on. the naked redneck got up, each dousing themselves in lube.
"alright guys, let's show this boy how to loosen up"
luka dodged the punches thrown, countering with his own. they slipped off. the lube making everything slippy
Luka tried to grapple, but they slipped out, naked bodies mocking him.
"LUKA HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU"
luka roared. his rage empowering his body, he started to pummel a lube covered man. and at first the lube resisted, but eventually the friction from his fists wore the lube out, and luka finally grabbed the man, gripping his throat with both hands and he twisted. turning the naked man into a beyblade as his dead body spun into his friends.
"HE KILLED JIMBO CALL MOMA AND GET THE GUNS"
luka took the hint, and like an altar boy being stared at by a priest, he got the fuck out of there.
he ran through the forest. and he could hear the voices. redneck twangs echoes. banjos. the sounds of banjos meant they were coming. he heard dogs barking. tracking the strawberry lube that luka was covered in. he darted past search parties, and thought he was safe. luka came across a sign
turn left for safety, turn right for devil's inflamed asshole attraction
*luka thought hard, why would this sign tell the truth, it must be a trick. and luka didnt want to get in the devils butthole, not today anyway.*
Luka turned right, knowing the left was a trap. the sound of banjos faded. and luka cheered, junping over a gate and stopping abruptly. oh
oh no
THAT SIGN LIED TO LUKA
LUKA MAD
LUKA SO MAAAAAD
Luka stood on a cliff, peering down a pit, seemingly endless. a foul stench came out of it. it faintly glowed red.
*the sounds of banjos suddenly appears*
"hahaha we got him slim jim"
"thats right jim slim"
luka turned. he was surrounded by rednecks. mostly naked ones. with clubs and guns
"you aint gonna escape this time...boy"
luka took a deep breath. luka aint gonna be defiled by rednecks, luka saving himself for his queen. once luka finds queen..
luka turned to the rednecks
"LUKA GONNA GO IN DEVILS ASSHOLE AND WILL BE BACK TO KILL REDNECKS"
Luka jumped into the hole, into its red moist depths below.