It felt like ages before Balto came back. I was sitting there, at home, in the dark, waiting for him. The wind bit into my skin and I buried myself deeper into the leaves, hoping they would keep me warm.
I heard a twig snap, and I looked up to where I had heard the noise. However, I saw no one. Dark, empty shrubbery stared back at me. I was starting to get worried; he'd been gone for a while. When was he coming back? Had he been caught in the dark? Had the bear come back and finished him off? Was he lying in a ditch somewhere? My heart started beating out of my chest. Oh God, where was Balto?
I tried moving around a bit, hoping to ease some of the tension in my body, but the tension kept building. I felt sick; I felt like I was going to throw up. I heard another twig snap, this time much closer to me, and I gasped. That had scared the hell out of me. Who was there? Was that Balto… or was it something else? Something bigger? Something stronger? Something evil?
I sat there, paralyzed with fear, unable to move. I heard another twig snap, this time right outside the cave, and I felt my heart leap into my throat. I tried to speak but I felt my throat ache. I heard footsteps approach the cave, and I felt panic set in. I tried to bury myself deeper into the leaves, hoping to hide myself.
I heard footsteps enter the cave and I nearly shrieked in fear. This was it! I was done for! This predator was going to find me and eat me or worse, kill me and leave me to be found by Balto. I whimpered at the thought of Balto finding my body. Suddenly I heard a voice break through my thoughts.
"Tod?'' My breath caught in my throat. It was Balto!? Oh thank the Lord. I thought it was someone who was going to kill me in my sleep. I breathed a sigh of relief as Balto stepped into the cave and I met those gorgeous brown eyes of his. My heart calmed down and I stopped shivering. Balto was here. He was safe. He was here in the cave with me. Everything was alright. Balto stepped further into the cave, entering my line of vision.
Even though the attack was hours ago, Balto still looked damaged; the bare skin that had been exposed due to the tufts of fur being ripped out was scarred and red; his nose was cut beyond recognition, and he winced every time he limped.
Balto gave me a weak smile as he set down the piece of meat he was holding. Upon further inspection, I realized it wasn't meat at all, but a carcass of a dear. I didn't have much experience with eating dear, but I was hungry and I was up for eating anything. Balto walked off, sitting down on the ground next to me. I didn't move, waiting for him to make the first step.
"Aren't you going to eat?'' I asked Balto, my tone light. I didn't want to push him or anything; I just wanted to make sure he ate.
Balto shook his head.
"I'm not hungry,'' he said, his voice barely a whisper. He obviously didn't feel like talking.
"Well, just eat a little bit,'' I said. "You have to eat something after what happened earlier. Get your strength back.'' I gestured to the dear carcass with my head. Balto laid there in silence, a lost look in his eye. He looked…sad. Broken. It tore at my heart to see him like this so I decided to speak up.
"Hey babe, you ok?'' Balto looked over at me, his expression dull. I immediately regretted what I had said, and began tearing off bits and pieces of the carcass. I looked at Balto, and, seeing his sad face, decided to cheer him up.
"Come on. You should eat something.'' I suggested, before sinking my teeth into a leg. I moaned. So good.
"I don't want to,'' Balto said quietly, looking out towards the cave. I swallowed the leg, feeling the piece of meat go down my throat.
"You have to eat something.'' I said, putting emphasis on the last word. He had to eat; he hadn't eaten all day with the exception of this morning.
"Tod, I don't want to,'' Balto said, now sounding slightly aggravated. I sighed. I had to tread carefully now. He was in a bad mood.
"If you just eat a little something… I'm sure you'll feel better.'' I said, trying to sound reassuring. However, I knew my tone was anything but reassuring.
It was Balto's turn to sigh now.
"Tod, I'm fine, really. I'll eat when I'm hungry. '' Balto said, trying his best not to sound angry. I nodded. I understood.
"Ok. Well, when you do, do you want me to help you?'' I said, trying to sound neutral but failing. I was horrible at hiding my emotions around him. I knew he could feed himself, but I couldn't help wanting to reach out. Though I hated to say this, I felt bad for him.
"I'm not a victim Tod,'' Balto said gently but firmly. He always spoke this way to me when he wanted to really talk to me, when he wanted to hammer a point home.
I immediately shut up, realizing I had crossed a line. I had offended him. I had treated Balto like he was less than, like he was incompetent. I had treated Balto, the great dog who had saved Nome, like a loser. A failure. A victim.
Shame immediately warped its way into my heart. I was always doing the wrong thing. I tried to be nice, but I ended up treating him like shit. I tried to be compassionate, but I came off as condescending. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. My husband was in pain, and I couldn't help him.
I wanted to speak up, say something, but my mouth wouldn't let me. It was being pressed together by invisible glue, preventing me from speaking. Balto continued staring off into space, looking bored.
I shook my head. This was all wrong. Balto never closed himself off to me like this. Being careful to not disturb him, I broke the silence between us.
"You know, you can talk to me about anything, right?'' Balto looked up from where he was staring and cocked his head at me.
"Yeah,'' he breathed, his voice huskier than usual. He always spoke in a lower tone when he was sad.
"I know I can.''
I furrowed my eyebrows at him. What was he upset about? Did he still feel like he had failed in protecting me? It wasn't his fault; it was no one's fault, really. Sometimes things just happen. And anyway, that was over now. He didn't have to hold on to it anymore.
"Do you have something on your mind?'' I asked, taking another piece for myself. He wasn't getting away that easy; I was going to get to the bottom of this. Balto twisted his mouth into a frown, something he always did when he was agitated, and turned to me.
"Look Tod, I just- as your husband, I feel like it's my job to protect you.'' Balto explained, his eyes momentarily drifting towards the ground before shooting back up at me. He always did this when he was trying to get some big announcement off his chest. I sat there, waiting for him to finish his thought. Where was this going to go?
I nodded, urging him to go on. Balto drew in a large breath before releasing it, the sound filling the quiet silence of our home. I stood there, watching him.
"I just- it saddens me to think that I can't always be there to protect you,'' Balto stated, looking down.
"I don't need protection,'' I said quietly, hoping to soothe Balto's uneasiness. Balto looked me in the eye, dead serious.
"You did today,'' he reminded me, the truth hitting me in waves. He was right. I couldn't defend myself today. That was over though. Let's move on.
"I know. And that's over. I don't want to talk about this anymore.'' I said quickly, darting to get another piece of meat.
"You're the one who wanted to talk,'' Balto said, exasperated. I shot him a quick glance, seeing the fire behind those brilliant mahogany eyes. He looked upset. I sighed. He just called me out on my bullshit and I couldn't even defend myself. Damn I thought Just when I thought I could get away with that one.
Balto was still looking at me, his gaze settled on me. He wanted to be honest? Fine, I was going to be honest.
"I didn't appreciate what you did back there,'' I said, a fierce indignation in my voice. I wanted to let him know how I really felt. Balto's face went from one of confusion to one of shock.
"What?'' he asked, his voice barely a whisper. I realized immediately how bad that sounded, and decided to explain myself.
"No, that's-that's not what I meant.'' I said, trying to compartmentalize my thoughts. Even as I said it, I knew I was lying. What Balto did was inherently selfish. He put himself in danger, not even thinking about how I would feel.
"I think that's exactly what you meant,'' Balto spat, his anger rising. Now he was pissed. I had truly woken up the wolf in him.
"How can you say that Tod?'' Balto asked, disgust in his voice.
"No please, I- let me explain,'' I said. I could feel my heart break all over again. No, no, no. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go. I was supposed to talk to him, tell him how I was feeling, not make him angry.
"Oh, you've done enough explaining already, trust me, '' Balto growled, his tone sounding much harsher than before. He began pacing back and forth, trying to control his temper.
"No I, I can't. I can't lose you,'' I said, tears streaming down my face. Balto stopped in his tracks and looked up at me. I was a hot mess; my eyes were red from crying. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks in waves. I tried to speak again, but my throat clogged up. I began to shake uncontrollably, unable to control my emotions. I let a small whimper escape my lips, and I looked downward, completely breaking down. This was awful. It was my worst nightmare come to life. Balto had almost died, and he had shrugged it off so casually.
I heard footsteps approach me and I looked up to see Balto less than a foot away from me, a sad, sympathetic look glowing in his eyes. Balto wrapped his arm around me, and pulled me into his chest. I sobbed as soon as my face made contact with his fur, not even bothering to hide my emotions. Today hurt. It hurt to know he had almost died today.
"I almost lost you,'' I gasped, my voice sounding foreign even to me. "In a split second, my whole life was almost over. I thought I was going to wake up all alone. I'd wake up and you'd be gone. When I asked you about your injuries and you just shrugged it off like it was no big deal, it hurt. I thought you were going to die, and the fact that you dismissed my feelings really hurt.''
I felt Balto's grip on me slacken and I tried to take in a deep breath but my lungs wouldn't open. I sputtered some more, allowing snot and tears to fall. Balto held me close to him, allowing me to cry. I tried to stop the tears from falling, but they kept coming.
"It's just- I was so scared,'' I said, refusing to look up at Balto. "I was afraid something might've happened to you. I wasn't sure.''
"Oh Tod,'' Balto said, his voice cracking "It's ok. I'll be alright.''
"I know I just-I can't stop thinking about it,'' I said, my throat swelling up. "It's just-when I saw you run towards the bear, it took my breath away. I thought I'd never see you again. I can't have you leave me. Not like my mom.'' I heard Balto suck in a breath. I knew what he was thinking; he was in shock. I had never told anyone how I felt after my mom died, with the exception of Vixie and Copper.
Most of the time it was too hard to say aloud. For some reason though, it felt like the right time. I felt like I had to get this off my chest, like it was a physical weight holding me down. Now that I had told him I felt free. I felt like I could move again, like I could breathe again.
I heard Balto clear his throat and I felt his chest rise before falling. I looked up at him, expecting for him to say something. Balto smiled weakly at me, then reached over and kissed me.
"I'm sorry Tod,'' he apologized. "I really am.'' I shook my head. No need to apologize. It was all said and done.
"For the record, I was scared too,'' Balto admitted. I looked back up at him; now it was my chance to furrow my eyebrows at him.
Balto saw my confused look, and nodded, understanding my confusion.
"I didn't grow up with my parents,'' Balto explained. "And growing up, I -I was always used to having to defend what was mine. When I saw you, I jumped in to save you.'' I could feel my heart warm as he mentioned this. Oh Balto. I reached over and kissed him.
"Come on,'' I breathed. "Let's go eat.'' We turned to the food in front of us and began eating.