Welcome to the revised version of my 2014 story, new writing style and new content will be added, plus many changes ahead! I hope you enjoy and just remember I do not own AOT or any of their characters nor do I own the wonderfully google-found image associated. Thank you all for reading and please enjoy the revisions!
Love isn't something Ahna was ever one to look forward to. Love was a waste of time, and honestly with the titans roaming around and the fact that life seemed like it could be cut short any minute, it seemed pointless. Living long was a luxury for many people, especially soldiers as they had given their lives countless times for the 'sake of humanity' yet Ahna still didn't quite understand why anyone would put themselves through that level of heartache. Not for nothing, she felt that heartache once before and it was that heartache that made her not want to experience love a second time around. She had no problem caring for people, enjoying the spoils of relationships, however, love wasn't going to be anything she gave freely anymore, not if she was going to be broken into a million pieces from it.
The Garrison was buzzing with news of the recent titan attacks. The colossal titan had breached their walls and titans were now a face level threat for 2/3 of the military population. Not like 1/3 of them would really do much. The Military Police kept to the innermost walls making these newest threats the work of the Survey Corps and any Garrison soldiers that were close by. Where Ahna was stationed, it was quiet and boring and nothing like when she was in the Survey Corps. A small smile appeared on her face as she thought about the thrilling feelings she had soaring through the trees outside the walls. It was a freedom she sorely missed.
That freedom came with so much enjoyment and excitement almost daily, yet with the Survey Corps, uncertainty was right up there on the list of feelings. Heartbreak and loss were far too common with the Survey Corps, making each bit of the enjoyment and excitement almost a selfish feeling. Ahna closed her eyes and sighed loudly, remembering her dear friends Isabel and Furlan. Their deaths hit Ahna to the core and shook one other person just as bad. Back then they were all close, leaning on each other for support every time those closest to them died. Ahna's thoughts were thankfully interrupted as a familiar voice teased her.
"Ahna, if you fall asleep against the wall, I won't help you off the floor this time." Ahna let out a small giggle, staring up at the chocolate brown eyes of Captain Damien Montgomery, the Garrison's finest and most honorable captain. Not just that, her current boyfriend of almost a year. She relished in the sight of his tall stature, addictive bright smile and that sun kissed skin that made her look like a ghost next to him. He crossed his strong arms over his chest and smiled down at Ahna as she forced herself to her feet.
"Is bending over to pick my short ass up that much of a chore for you?" She teased. He chuckled, grabbing Ahna and hugging her close. She absolutely returned it, finding the warmth of his body comforting.
"I'd only do it 'cause you're just so cute." Ahna rolled her eyes and laughed, pulling away from the hug, not really wanting to linger for long.
"What's on the agenda for today?" Ahna asked, making her way into the headquarters towards the living room and plopping down on the couch. Damien slid next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
"Just on call as usual. You know how it is." Ahna whined and rolled her eyes, about ready to die of boredom.
"There's never any action here…" Ahna hated not being out and being useful. It wasn't fair that everyone else risked their lives and she was stuck in the Garrison, not by her own choice.
"Well miss Survey Corps, sorry we can't live up to your expectations here." She smirked at his sarcasm. "Isn't it better though, you're away from all that danger, able to live your life with more safety and actually enjoy things life has to offer?" It was nice to an extent, that was for sure, but the problem was the constant gnawing urge to run outside of the walls and kill titans. She had a need to be helpful, to make herself useful and the best way was to kill titans and help save her friends. Yet for years, she'd been locked behind the walls, safely away from all she knew and once loved. It built a resentment in her that she didn't want to admit. The Garrison soldiers never understood her love for the Survey Corps, even when they had returned with significantly less in their ranks and solemn faces, she wanted to go back to at least putting in a real effort for humanity, regardless of what anyone else thought.
"I miss it Damien, I miss the action and being constantly on my toes. It helped me look forward everyday with a purpose. I'm just so restless here." She sighed, leaning against Damien's shoulder.
"So…that's a no to becoming a cute little housewife?" She laughed loudly at his statement.
"That's a hard no." Ahna closed her eyes and sighed, though Damien shifted uncomfortably. He knew Ahna was not a fairy-tale love story believer. He knew where she stood, avidly, with regards to love and relationships and anything else in between. She still refused to even utter the words 'I love you' to him, though he had said them rather frequently; all Ahna could do was say thank you or smile. She didn't feel in love with him even though she cared deeply for the man at her side; she couldn't say the words she'd said to another with every fiber in her being.
"Well that's a shame, but I can work with it I guess…" Ahna sat up now, staring at Damien confused. Before she could utter a word, Damien held a stunning diamond ring in her face. Panic ensued and filled every part of her body as she began to stutter nervously. He stopped her, the increasingly large knot in her stomach wrenching as he spoke. "I love you Ahna, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You don't have to be some housewife, we don't have to have kids, I just know I want you in my life as my partner and wife."
"Damien…" He smiled his hopeful smile, making every fiber in Ahna's body flare wildly as everything was screeching to a stop. He had no idea of why Ahna felt the way she did about love, solely that she didn't care for the idea of it. She never explained the reasoning as to why she would rather be eaten by a titan than go through the level of heartbreak she did I the past. Every past thought in the last six years was flooding her brain, the sadness, the happiness, the anger and utter loss. The thoughts were overwhelming her as she could barely focus on the sweet face in front of her. "No Damien, I can't do it, I'm sorry."
"But why?" His face contorted into confusion and shock as Ahna stood up nervously, pacing slightly as she did her best to avoid the stare of her boyfriend.
"Damien, I have thought this through on so many occasions in the last six years, I can't marry you. I do care for you and I'm so, so sorry, but this it's too much…I just…" His head shook as he stared down at his lap.
"You just don't love me." Ahna bit her lip as he finished her sentence. It was horrible but it was the truth and she didn't want to break his heart, but she was open from the beginning that she did not want to be at this level of love. "I knew you didn't like to say it, but I didn't think you really actually felt that way. Why even keep this up if you didn't love me?"
"I wanted to love you Damien, truly, I have tried. It was selfish of me to keep trying and fill you with hope, but I just can't…I can't get past my past issues…" His eyes caught Ahnas, sending a jolt of nerves through her.
"What issues Ahna? You never talk about them…" She shook her head, but he insisted. "Ahna, open up to me please. We've been together for nearly a year; I think I deserve some sort of explanation. What is stopping you?" Ahna fidgeted nervously, sitting on the couch across from Damien now, completely unsure of how to word anything she needed to say.
"I transferred from the Survey Corps six years ago…you know that. When I was a part of the Corps, I was in love with someone…and I still haven't been able to get over those feelings." Damien's changed almost in an instant, from hopeful to cold. It broke Ahna's heart slightly to see him so upset but he wanted the truth.
"Who is it?" His voice was calm and quiet, almost unnerving. "Why can't you get over him?" Silence consumed her for more than a moment, Damien's patience wearing a bit thin. It was hard to explain her love for the person in question and only two living people knew of her love for him. "God damnit Ahna answer me! You at least owe me that!" She fidgeted with her fingers, staring down at her hands as she spoke words, she never thought she'd say out loud again.
"Captain Levi Ackerman…" His stare was so intense, almost on the level of Levi's type of stares.
"Really? Him? When the hell…"
"About 8 years ago…" Damien's eyes travelled over Ahna's guilty looking frame as she continued. "We dated 8 years ago but we kept it quiet. Almost no one knew." The gut wrenching feeling in Ahna's stomach made her unsure of how much she wanted to explain.
"You transferred to the Garrison six years ago…I'm assuming you were with him for the two years then? What happened? Did he hurt you?" Ahna gulped slightly but shook her head.
"Not physically no. It's just…" Ahna sighed feeling the stinging of the tears pushing forward in her eyes. "I was pregnant." Damien's jaw dropped and Ahna couldn't bear to even glance up at him. "I was around 8 weeks pregnant and had no idea until I miscarried when a titan had grabbed hold of me. It squeezed so hard…." Her voice cracked and trailed for a moment as she wiped the tear from her face. "Levi cut the titan's hand and I fell nearly two stories. The doctors weren't sure if it was the titan or the fall that caused the miscarry but after that Levi was so cold and just…. gone. It was like I didn't know who he was…how could I stay in the Survey Corps after that? I couldn't face hm day to day after that. You were my second chance at a hopefully normal life…"
"Yet you still love him, and this was still a waste of my fucking time…" Damien stood up, completely livid.
"I really did want a normal life with you…"
"What you did want and what you do want are two clearly different things. Get your shit straight, seriously." The frown on Ahna's face deepened as she watched Damien walk towards the window and stare outside. He was doing what Levi had done, he was shutting down and giving her the cold shoulder. As she spoke his name, he held his hand up to shush her.
"My title from now on is Captain Damien, start getting used to it since there's no relationship here anymore." Her heart ached at the sound of his cold voice. Nevertheless, she stood up, saluting him before turning towards the door. "Your transfer papers back to the Survey Corps will be ready by tomorrow morning. Pack your shit; you can go back to that 'exciting life' you miss so much. Go back to him." Ahna's lip quivered a bit, though she pushed the feelings back as hard as she could. He turned and glanced at her, as if to look for a response but she just nodded and left without so much as a word, heading to her room.
Ahna sat quietly on her bed, staring down at her feet as she thought about what was to come. Her feelings were numb, though every time her thoughts reached Levi, her stomach dropped. She didn't want to face Levi again, hell, she had avoided Levi, Hange and Erwin for the last six years completely. Not even so much as a letter to her other friends. Tomorrow was going to be hell…she knew she wasn't going to get any sort of welcome back ceremony that was for sure.
The next morning came quicker than Ahna had anticipated and before she knew it, she was standing outside the Survey Corps headquarters, staring up at the ominous looking building. She never remembered it being so intimidating, or if it was the fact that those inside were more intimidating, she couldn't figure the reason. Her legs were practically shaking as she just stood gawking at the building.
"Can I help you?" The random voice broke Ahna's thoughts finally, causing her to look over at the young brown-haired boy with the turquoise eyes. She'd recognized him immediately, Eren Jaeger the half titan boy that Levi kicked the shit out of apparently. Ahna was adamant about not attending that meeting, making it a point to be busy that day just so she didn't have to accidently cross paths with Levi.
"Oh, um, hi…" Ahna was acting all shy and wimpy and it was driving her crazy. "I need to speak with Commander Erwin, or Captain Levi…if they're around." She half regretted even mentioning Levi's name.
"Oh yea, we're having a meeting here shortly in the chow hall, follow me, I'll show you where it's at." Ahna nodded, fighting back the nerves that started to fill every fiber in her being. "I'm Eren by the way, what's your name?"
"Ahna, nice to meet you…" He nodded and smiled. His kindness was relatively surprising, considering the rumors about him and his abilities made him seem significantly scarier. As soon as they got to the door Ahna froze. She was really not ready to cross the threshold and face any of the faces beyond the door.
"You alright?" Eren had noticed Ahna's behavior, making her rub the back of her head slightly and laughing.
"Yea, sorry…I just was lost in thought." In the door he pushed, giving her almost no time to gather her bearings. The chow hall was relatively noisy with all the soldiers chatting and waiting for their meeting to start. Ahna glanced around, taking in the significant amount of new faces that had joined their ranks. There were so many, she couldn't even find faces she recognized. It took a few moments before Ahna realized the entire chow hall had quieted and were staring at Ahna confused. A small blush crossed her face as she felt naked in a sea of people.
"You've got to be fucking kidding…" Ahna's eyes met Levi's and her heart leapt into her throat. Everything in her told her to make a run for it, run away and never return.
"AHNA?!" Another gut wrenching feeling at another familiar voice and Ahna braced for impact. She was brought to the floor hard in an excited hug from the screaming mad scientist. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? HOW ARE YOU? WHY HAVEN'T YOU COME TO SEE ME? YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST WRITTIN ME DAMNIT!"
"You know if you let her get up, she might be able to communicate without being suffocated to death." Erwin's voice was a massive reprieve for Ahna as she giggled a bit. This is what she had missed, the feeling of her friends acting almost as if time had never elapsed between them. "So Ahna, why have you decided to grace us with your presence today after…what six years?" Ahna let out a nervous laugh, forcing herself back to her feet.
"Well…I have some um…paperwork…" She mumbled walking towards the two men. Levi sat in his seat, glaring at her with an intensity that made her want to shrivel and die where she stood. Erwin just smiled, taking the paperwork and glancing over it.
"After six years…you hand me paperwork. And here I thought you loved me enough to hug me at first." Ahna giggled at the blonde giant who in all her years of being with the Survey Corps was like a big brother to her. She hugged him without any hesitation, missing immediately the familiarity of her surroundings. Erwin handed Levi the paperwork as well, before giving Ahna the biggest bear hug she'd had in ages.
"So, you want to come back? Now? Why?" Levi's mono-tone voice made it hard for Ahna to tell how he was feeling.
"I was sort of … forced back. But I did miss all of you I promise." Ahna more so directed her statement at Hange and Erwin, though she'd be lying if she didn't miss Levi too.
"Forced back huh? What'd you do…" Hange made Ahna laugh nervously.
"I'd rather not talk about it right now." Erwin understood immediately, shushing Hange and nodding at Ahna.
"It's a lot to ask right away. We can chat later." Ahna didn't want the entire Survey Corps hearing the drama spilled as of yet. If she could keep some of her issues quiet, she would much rather do that. Ahna was more focused on Erwin in that moment, she barely noticed Levi's actions before he threw the papers back onto the table. He stood up; his face stuck in that expressionless tone as always as he made his way from the chow hall. There were a ton of whispers lighting up in the chow hall, as everyone took note of Levi's apparent distaste for Ahna and the familiarity this strange new girl had with all the higher ups. All of it caused her to fidget nervously. "Well I'll accept you back under one condition. Go out that door and go find Levi and talk to him, otherwise I refuse to sign." Ahna hung her head in defeat, hearing the curious whispers grow at Erwin's request.
"Does it have to be today?" She whined, though Erwin stood stubborn with his demands forcing a groan out of Ahna. "Fine…And here you were worried about my love for you faltering." Erwin chuckled, staring down at her mischievously.
"If he doesn't agree to you coming back, you're stuck in the Garrison." Ahna's heart dropped and rolled her eyes. "Now go away, I have a meeting to hold and you're disrupting the peace." Ahna let out a playful scoff, turning in the direction of where Levi had left. Erwin picked up the stack of papers staring out at Ahna as she left, a playful smirk stuck to his face.
The Survey Corps HQ was far different from the Garrison in many ways, though her familiarity with it made it easy to navigate. Levi was always one of two places, and so the hunt began to find the cranky captain. She pushed through the back door of the HQ, glancing around and catching the familiar quiet form leaning against the back wall to the HQ, his tired eyes staring out at the stables. The way this moment felt was deeper than she had initially thought. Alone, with Levi, taking in his features and everything that hadn't changed. For a brief moment, that feeling of nostalgia broke through and everything in her wanted to walk up to him and hug him. She knew better though, for herself and for him, that was off limits.
"Levi…" He stayed silent; his eyes unwavering from their fixed stare as she approached. "I want to apologize. It probably won't fix anything, but…I really am sorry for all the hurt that I've caused. I screwed up by leaving when we both had so much on our minds. It shouldn't have ended the way it did and I am not asking for anything to go back to how it was but…I do really want to be back with the Survey Corps and I'd like to start fresh with you…if that's even possible." His arms were crossed over his chest as he listened to her words. He was a master at suspense, forcing the silence to drag on until she was about ready to pop.
"Nothing will ever be the same again, not after the way you left." Ahna knew that, though her heart sunk deep in her chest as he spoke the words. "You coming back means that you need to know your place. We're not friends, I am your superior and you will not act all familiar with me like you do with the other two. There's still plenty of hurt that you left gaping open by leaving the way you did; I didn't deal with the situation any better but at least I didn't literally leave you high and dry." Ahna shifted slightly, the thought of Levi hurting and her attempt to run from all of it made her feel even worse. It took a few more moments before she spoke again.
"Does this mean you approve?" Levi sighed, staring down at the ground for a moment.
"Against my better judgement." Ahna couldn't stop the smirk that hit her face at his sarcasm.
"I'll let Erwin know you approve then…" Before she could turn, Levi let out his usual 'tch' causing her to stop.
"He already knows, I signed the paper." Ahna arched an eyebrow, thinking about punching Erwin for his little deviousness.
"That damn mischievous bastard…" Ahna grumbled, finally catching a glance from Levi.
"He forced you out here didn't he?"
"Doesn't he always stir the pot? I mean really…" Ahna sighed putting her hand to her face. "Well at least I was able to apologize even though it was somewhat forced." She smiled at Levi, giving into her inner feelings for a moment. "Thank you for going against your better judgement. I appreciate it." Levi let out a grunt but said nothing, indicating it was time to leave him be. She turned on her heel quickly, heading towards Erwin's office to wait for his meeting to end.
It wasn't long before the man himself finally came through the door, a little surprised to find Ahna sitting in one of the chairs glaring at him.
"Oh, you caught me." A smirk played against his lips.
"Yea you cheeky bastard." Erwin chuckled and shook his head.
"So, are you finally going to tell me why you're here?"
"Well, my ex proposed and forced me to transfer back since I turned him down." Erwin's eyebrow arched, chuckling slightly.
"Your ex isn't very bright, is he?" Ahna laughed slightly as she leaned against Erwin's desk slightly. "Did you tell him about you and Levi at all?" Ahna nodded and sighed.
"That's what forced the transfer back. It was his way of saying 'well if you don't love me go back to the person you did love.'" Erwin nodded, watching the emotions wash over Ahna's face as she tried not to cry. "I don't know why he tried to propose, I didn't ever even say I love you to him, proposing just didn't make sense when the other person doesn't voice their love, you know?"
"So why are you about to cry if you didn't love him?" Ahna sat up straight for a moment, a little shocked by the sudden question.
"I don't know. I care for him I do, but…I don't love him. When I told him, what happened between me and Levi, he did exactly what Levi did. He got so cold and heartless…I guess just reliving those feelings is what's doing me in." Erwin's face washed over with empathy though Ahna just wiped the tear from her eye and laughed quietly.
"Do you blame him though? You told him you still loved Levi and you had miscarried Levi's kid…I mean did you expect him to hug the woman he loves and tell her it'd be okay after hearing something like that? Not very many men could do that." Ahna glanced down at her fingers in her lap, fidgeting slightly. "I mean, I don't know how everything went down or when you told him about Levi, but just form the sounds of it, he was with you for however long and had no idea until he proposed. That's a pretty large pill to swallow." Ahna nodded, biting her lip and trying desperately to force anymore tears from pouring from her eyes.
"I just feel so awful. I didn't want to hurt him; I don't like hurting people." Erwin sighed, sitting forward in his chair, his seriousness quite apparent now.
"You hurt Levi more than you probably understand, you know that right?" Ahna's tears fell full force now, the truth biting hard. "I get you were hurt and shaken up too, but you both found out after the miscarriage that you were even pregnant and neither of you knew how to handle the situation. Rather than leaning on each other for support and being there while the other was hurting, you both just turned your backs on each other as if you were hurting alone. When you up and left, you broke him in a way he'll never admit, but I've known both of you long enough that it doesn't take a genius to understand that level of hurt." Ahna was full blown crying now, her face in her hands as she took in the harsh but honest words from Erwin. She could always count on him never to pull punches with her, but still hearing it only tore open every wound she had worked on closing over the last six years. Clearly her attempts at fixing herself were poorly done as everything ripped open almost in an instant. "I hate seeing you cry Ahna but you both need to understand the level of hurt you caused each other and really need to reflect on your actions. You both are like family to me; I want you to be happy and move forward no matter how hard it is for you to admit your own mistakes."
"I love him Erwin, I love him so fucking much and it's killing me to even look at him. How do I move forward and move past any of this? I thought I had done it the last six years but clearly, I was mistaken. I just feel like my heart is going to explode and even just standing next to him is fucking overwhelming. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this." Erwin just chuckled and smiled warmly.
"You'll be just fine. Go drink some tea and just take everything one day at a time. I'll always be here for you if you want to talk, you know that. Unpack your things and get some sleep, you've been through enough for one day."
"God, I hope so…thank you Erwin. I really missed you, I'm sorry I didn't write you guys." He shrugged and laughed, sitting back in his chair as she stood up to leave.
"I knew you'd come back eventually." She made her way around the desk, giving Erwin a long hug before leaving the room and heading to her own. The day had been far too much to handle and now she had to unpack and clean and wind down before starting her actual work tomorrow.
Erwin still sat in his chair for a moment after Ahna had left. Levi slowly entered, leaning up against the wall, not bothering to sit down. His arms were crossed over his chest as he looked up at Erwin with a rather annoyed look on his face. Erwin chuckled slightly, knowing Levi had been listening in.
"Stop meddling and trying to play cupid. My love life is none of your concern."
"I don't need to play cupid to know you both still love each other, and I know it'll all work out. Quit making it harder on yourself by shutting her out." Levi narrowed his eyes at the man behind the desk. Friend or not, he was not dealing well with the meddling.
"I know how I still feel, and whether it will work out or not, who really knows. I'm not going to play pretend and give myself false hope for something I don't see happening again. I bet if her ex didn't propose, she wouldn't even be back here. If she really cared at all, don't you think she'd have at least written you or Hange at the very least?" Erwin sighed staring at Levi for a long moment, processing the thought.
"Either way, don't be so hard on her. She had her reasons and the only thing that should matter is that she's here now signing yet another death certificate by joining back up with us. Holding a grudge really needs to be what you want to do considering any one of us could be gone tomorrow." Levi growled and rolled his eyes. He wasn't stupid or oblivious to the death that followed them daily.
"You know better than anyone I understand our time limits here. There's only so much bullshit I can take, even if you refuse to believe that. Don't keep trying to push us back together, otherwise your meddling is going to end up in resentment."
"Resentment only because you're too stubborn to jus talk to her and move forward with her. Regardless, she's here now and you've got a golden opportunity to not fuck this royally, why not just take it?"
"Stop mediating between us. I'm not going to tell you again; you're playing with a fucking fire you have no idea how to control. I'll handle my own life, focus on your own." Levi stepped from Erwin's office angrily, heading to his room. He sat on the bed that he rarely ever slept in anymore, opening his nightstand and staring down at the photo of him and Ahna. His face in the photo was emotionless, but she was smiling and hugging his neck from behind while he was sitting on the ground. He remembered that day fondly, Hange snapping the photo before Levi threw Ahna over his shoulder playfully, smacking her forehead for being so forward out in the open. It was his favorite photo, and even in the span of six years, comparing this photo to her smiling face in person was impossible. He tossed the photo back into the nightstand, sighing loudly as he laid back in the bed and stared up at the ceiling for most of the night, losing himself to the many thoughts he'd hoped to forget but never had.